Date: Sat, 25 Feb 2012 19:52:33 -0500 From: Ace Spades Subject: My Complicated Life (Chapter 2) I sat there, stunned as I watched him walk off the bus. Then, when the doors closed and he disappeared behind the trees, I looked down at my arm, and my heart sank. He had written his number directly over some of my scars.. Did he see them? Did it bother him? Did he not care? Or had he just not noticed?? I hated not knowing and I was driving myself crazy just thinking about it. I just kept telling myself to breathe, and eventually, I calmed down enough. I mean, he told me to text him after he wrote it, right? So that was after he saw them.. meaning that he didn't care, right?! *** I finally got home, about 15 minutes after Matt got off. That was kinda nice, knowing that we were so close to each other. Maybe my dreams finally can be true.. I got dizzy just thinking about the two of us sneaking out in the middle of the night and then making out in the moonlight. It would be sooo romantic, and so easy to do. I mean, it's just me and my father. My mother died a few years ago from cancer, and my father's now, well, kinda an alcoholic. It's okay though, I mean he doesn't beat me, well, he's thrown stuff at me, but for the most part he's not home. I don't know where he goes, I don't even know how he pays the bills for the damn house, but I don't really care anymore. I just hate him. He never really cared about me or my mother, and the entire time she was sick he was too busy screwing around with other girls to fucking care. Oh well, maybe one day his liver will fail. I can only hope right? Maybe even one day Matt and I can make out on his grave, I fantasized, giggling at the thought. *** It only took me about five minutes to walk from my bus stop to my house. The walks kinda boring, I guess. I mean, all around here is mostly woods, so it's just an old road with a bunch of oak trees and white pines on either side. I have neighbors, but they're never out, and everyone's house is far from the road anyways. We all have pretty long driveways, which are nice for privacy, but a pain in the ass to shovel.. oh sorry, I guess I'm kinda getting off topic. So anyways, I walked up my driveway, staring at my house as I did so. It's not a big house at all, but it's not wicked small either. The outside is white vinyl, getting kinda dirty due from lack of care, but still looks respectable, ya know? The inside of the house is kinda the same. Not in the best shape, but not in the worst. There's the kitchen/dining room/living room, all in one big room. Haha, don't worry, we're not poor, that's just the way the house is set up. It's like there could have been walls separating the rooms when the house was built, but they decided to rip them out or something. So yeah, connected to that `room' is a hallway, which leads to my room, my father's room, and the bathroom. Really that bathroom's mine, considering my father has one in his room, and he's never really home anyways. If he went in there he would probably kill me, I mean there's always makeup out on the counter, and my hair brushes, and files for my nails. No way would he want to see any of that, but I don't hide it, because he never goes in there. So yeah, I got inside, finding that I had the house all to myself.. big surprise. There was an empty beer can on the kitchen table, which I just ignored. I mean, come on, I'm not his maid, he can pick up after himself. So, I just walked past it and went straight for my room. Once I got there, I threw my backpack on the floor (screw you homework), and jumped up on my bed, taking out my phone. This is breaking one of my rules. You see, no one is allowed on my bed, and no shoes are allowed on it, and even I'm not allowed on it unless I have taken a shower first, but Matt came before my rules. If he wanted me to text him, I'd break every damn rule I had. I would even swallow twenty razor blades just to see him smile again. So yeah, I typed and his number and shot him a text: `Hey this is Chris, you wanted me to text you, right?' After I clicked send, I just stared at my phone. Shouldn't he respond more quickly?? Maybe he did notice my scars, maybe he was just trying to be nice in the moment, but really thought I was a freak. Maybe he hates me now! Omigod, this sucks so much. Why did I have to be a fucking idiot in the past and ruin my body?? Why couldn't I have been normal?? Why— `Hey Chris, what's up? :)' I couldn't believe it. He actually texted me back?? But why did he take so long? I mean it's been.. two minute.. Damn me! Why must I always overreact? Ugh, anyways, i didn't waste another minute and texted him back. `Oh, I'm just lying on my bed, you?' `That kinda cool, I'm doin my algebra, I can't believe you fell asleep in class! Lol' `Oh god, I was sooo embarrassed x.x' `Hey, don't worry about it, I'm just glad he didn't catch me ^^' `Well.. if he did, we could have had a party in the hall together!' `Hell yeah :D' `So.. I'm glad you sat with me today :)' `Yeah, listen, I gtg' My heart sank.. Does that mean he's uncomfortable?? `Oh ok, when will you be back?' I waited, and this time I kept track of the time. First five minutes went by, then fifteen, then an hour, and finally, after an hour and thirty minutes, I gave up. I shut off my phone, and I cried.. I wish I could have been stronger than that, but it's just not fair! Why does the world play games like that on me?? I really liked him, and just when it seemed like he liked me to, he left.. I don't know why I even put up with this shit any more; nothing's ever going to get better.