Chapter Nine: The Final Chapter


            I woke up with my head pounding. “Where am I?” I thought. My vision was still blurry and I tried to feel around; trying to remember where I was. I expected to find Chase sleeping next to me, but the bed was empty. Feeling the cold sensation of something soaking the side of my shirt, I slid my hand down my side to discover an open bottle of Jack Daniels. “What the fuck?” I thought. My head felt as if it where being repeatedly struck with a jackhammer. I took a deep breathe and tried hard not to focus on the pounding sensation in my head as I sat up. After what seemed like an eternity of trying to regain enough composure and strength to actually get up, I looked around to see where I was. Then it hit me; I was in my hotel room in Louisiana. “Where was Chase?”


Closing my eyes, I tried to rack my brain for answers until I was able to recall what really happened. It was all a dream. Chase and I never made up.


After Chase walked away at the Westmoore Hotel, I drove to Lydia’s house. When I got there she told me that Chase did not want to see me and that perhaps it is best that I just went and tried to move on. On the way back to the hotel, I stopped at a gas station I bought a bottle of Jack and drank in my hotel room until I blacked out.


The thoughts of last night brought back a deep sadness in me and I could feel my eyes start to water.  As I tried to get up off the bed, I grabbed the half empty bottle of Jack and stumbled to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw a broken man. I clenched my fist. “Fuck!” I yelled as anger and depression coursed through my veins. Adrenaline pumping through my entire body, I curled my hand in a fist and punched the image of myself. I could feel little shards of glass cut my knuckle as chunks of glass fell into the sink. I looked down at my knuckles and saw little dots of red form. Within seconds, blood trickled down my hand and onto the white sink, leaving a growing pool of blood. The scene was almost surreal, all I could do was stare at the white sink became red with a sea of blood. For some reason, it did not hurt at all; all I could think about is how I lost Chase. After a few moments, I came back to reality and looked for a towel. Wrapping the towel around my wound, I watched as the white towel turned red with blood.

I stumbled back to the bed and sat on the edge. Grabbing the bottle, I took a swig of Jack and fell back resting my head on the pillow. Everything started to spin, so I closed my eyes. Within a minute I blacked out.

I opened my eyes and it was pitch black except for the faint green glow of the nightstand clock, which read “2:37 AM”. My head was throbbing and my hand felt like it was on fire. I tried to make a fist, but that only sent splinters of pain up my nerves. Slowly I moved off the bed, using my free hand to feel where I was going. Running my hand along the cold wall, I found the door to the bathroom. Once inside, I felt around looking for the light switch. I stumbled upon something that felt like a switch and flipped it. The intense light that engulfed the darkness forced me to shield my eyes. It took a moment for my pupils to adjust to the sudden change of light.

The light revealed nothing short of a scene from a horror movie. Shards of broken glass lay in pools of dried blood in the sink. Droplets of blood littered the floor leading back into the other room. I looked up at the mirror and through the cracks I saw myself. My eyes were red and swollen. Dried blood droplets were on my cheeks.

Suddenly the throbbing in my head worsened and I frantically searched for a bottle of aspirin. I found it in the corner under a shard of mirror glass. I took two and than slowly unwrapped the towel, which clung to my fist like glue. The dried blood cracked and crumbled as I slowly removed the fabric over my wounds. Once fully getting the towel off, I examined the damage. A piece of glass was imbedded in my knuckle. After a bit of struggling I was able to dislodge it from the depth of my hand. I cleaned the wound best I could in cold water; but in doing so I reopened my wound. I looked down at the water mixing with the blood. I dried my hand and wrapped a clean towel over it. “This will be a bitch to explain during checkout.” I thought, as I started to pick up the pieces of glass.

I finished an hour later. My stomach growled but it was too early to eat so I trudged back to bed. I lay down in the scratchy hotel bedspread; alone. I so longed for Chase. I thought back to all the times I shared a warm bed with him. My fingers intertwined with his, our bodies close together. Or the times I shared a moment of complete silence in the morning watching him sleep. All the things I took for granted, because I had them. But now, now they were gone; nothing more than memories. Part of my past. Something that I lost forever. I had to accept it: Chase was gone. I could feel the tears start again. Trying to hold back the tears, I shut my eyes so tightly that I could see white light. But it was too late. I cried until I could not anymore. By the time it was over, I was too tired to sleep and just lay in the darkness silently.

I must have eventually dosed off because I awoke the next day to the sun shinning brightly in my eyes. I rolled over onto my side and stared at the clock. “6:45” I closed my eyes and my mind filled with memories of Chase. I opened my eyes again. The clock read “7:00”. I sighed and got out of bed. I trudged over to the bathroom, took a shower and left my little hotel room to eat breakfast in the café across the street. I called the airline and got my ticket booked for later this afternoon.

I walked back to my room and got my belongings packed and headed for the lobby.

“Good Morning, Sir.” The concierge attendant said as I walked up to him after breakfast.

“Morning.” I said “I would like to check out please.”


“Very well. How was your stay, Sir?”


“It was good thank you. Listen I broke the mirror in the bathroom. You have my credit card number, please bill me for it.”


“You…broke it, Sir?”


“Yes. Sorry.”


“May I ask how?”


“I punched it. Relationship issues.”


“Oh. I am sorry Sir. I know what it feels like. I recently divorced. We will bill you.”


“Thank you. Have a good day.” I said, leaving.


I took my rent-a-car to the rental station at the airport and an hour later I was on a flight back to California. I looked out the window; watching Louisiana get smaller and smaller. Knowing what I was leaving behind. Chase was a part of my life. A part of me. It would take a long time to get over him.  I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.


The voice of the captain announcing that we would be arriving at John Wayne shortly woke me.  After we landed, I waited for my bag at the baggage claim then walked to the parking lot to find my car. After searching for a few minutes I finally found it. I threw my bag in the back and got in. As I was pulling out, the radio station switched it to a new song.


Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I’m doin’ Id say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you
After all this time you’re still with me its true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by


            “Fuck!” I yelled, hitting the steering wheel hard. Tears flowing from my eyes. “Why does everything remind me of him?” I thought. Looking down at the speedometer, I realized that through my anger I pushed down harder on the gas pedal. Quickly, I slowed down; not wanting a speeding ticket.

The song ended right as I pulled up my driveway. As soon as the parked I could not hold back the tears. Clutching the steering wheel so hard, my knuckles turned white and the healing wound split open again. Blood started to flow out of the fresh wound, but I did not care. All I wanted was Chase back.

After a few minutes, I regained composure and looked down at my bleeding hand. It did not hurt at all from all the adrenaline rushing through my body. I watched as blood trickled down my knuckle and than dripping off onto my lap. I quickly yanked the key out of the ignition and rushed up the front steps of my house. Once inside, I ran to the bathroom and cleaned up my wound in the sink.

Once that was taken care of, I turned on the shower and slowly undressed. Steam fogged the mirrors as I pushed back the curtain and stepped in the shower. Closing my eyes, I let the hot water cascade down my body. Sliding a hand down over my chest and stomach, I could feel the sexual sensation Chase gave me so many times before. I could feel his hands on me as I imagined looking back at the face I kissed so many times before.  I remember the feeling of his tongue slowly entering my mouth, softly sliding over mine. My hand became his as it traveled down towards my throbbing cock. Wrapping my hand around it, I slowly started pumping in a rhythmic motion. Slowly gaining speed, I imagined my time with Chase. Sliding my other hand over my nipple and grabbing it I started stroking as hard as I could. My breath grew faster as I came close and closer to orgasming. I bit my lip and held my breath as cum started to shot out of my balls. After my orgasm subsided, I came back to reality and instantly felt a sense of loneliness and loss.

I quickly finished showering and after getting dried off I stepped into the kitchen naked. Opening the refrigerator door, I felt a gust of cold air rush over my naked body; turning my nipples hard. I stared at the fridge for a bit, signed and closed the door. Somehow I just was not hungry. My stomach growled, but somehow I just could not eat. I turned and walked out of the kitchen and upstairs to my room.

Once inside my room, I looked around and memories of Chase came back. I could feel my breathing get heavy as my heart started to beat faster. I sat down on the edge of my bed and looked around. To the left of me, my closet door was open. Half of it was empty, where Chase’s stuff used to hang. I thought back of the first night he had moved in. How it took us a while to get all his clothes hung because we would stop every few minutes to explore each others mouths with our tongues.

Sighing I leaned back and fell on the bed. “God. How lonely the bed feels.”  I thought as I turned to look at the empty side Chase used to sleep on. I crawled on the bed, so that my head was on my pillow facing Chase’s side. I closed my eyes and memories flooded my mind. I looked over and saw Chase sleeping next to me naked like he always did. I moved my hand over his waist, resting it right above his belly button. Groggily opening his eyes, he looked over at me and smiled. “Morning baby.” I said, before pulling him in to gently kiss his neck.  Chase rolled on top of me and started to press his lips to mine ever so gently. “Morning Peanut.” He said, adding a little more pressure. Biting my lower lip, he started to pull on it, stretching it a bit before sliding his tongue towards my mouth. I parted my lips, allowing him to enter my mouth. I wrapped my tongue around his; sliding my hands up and down his back. Running my fingertips over the side of his body, I felt him moan in my mouth.

Suddenly I opened my eyes and realized that I was alone in my bed. I had somehow in my trance cuddled with my pillow. Throwing the pillow off me, I looked up at the ceiling. “God I miss him.” I thought. I tried to close my eyes and eventually I drifted to sleep.

I woke up two hours later, just as the sun was going down. My stomach growling, I got out of bed and walked downstairs. Opening the fridge, I found that it was empty, so I moved on to the pantry. After a few minutes of exploring, I found some bread that wasn’t stale and peanut butter. I smiled as I thought of Chase. “I can make a killer peanut butter and jelly sandwich.” He really did make good sandwiches.

Taking my sandwich into the living room, I slumped down on the couch and turned on the TV.  After flipping the channels for a bit, I stopped on a familiar face. The face of James Lafferty. I smiled and thought back to all the times Chase and I had cuddled on this couch watching One Tree Hill. Ironically the episode related to Chase and me. Nate was caught with the psycho babysitter in the shower by his wife Haley. It was totally not his fault. She was nuts. Similar to how Peter was nuts.

Suddenly a rush of sadness came over me. Like a demonic spirit, the loneliness swept through my whole body; leaving me cold and hollow inside. I missed watching One Tree Hill with Chase. Missed his random comments; his reactions to the show. Being sucked into the show was all because of Chase and now it just wasn’t the same. I needed something to take away the emptiness I felt.

Walking back to the kitchen I found my answer. I grabbed a bottle of wine from the shelf and searched for a corkscrew. Rummaging through the drawers, I finally found one and opened the bottle. Not bothering to get a glass, I put the bottle to my lips. The tangy taste of wine filled my mouth as I drank more and more. Slowly I could feel the numbing effects as the alcohol filled my bloodstream coursing through my body.

I shut my eyes as hard as I could, trying to keep the tears from forming. It didn’t help; soon tears escaped their clutches and fell down my cheeks. Crying, I fell on my knees. All I wanted was Chase back.



“Hi. You have reached the home of Ryan and Chase. Please leave a message.” Went the answering machine. I just stared at it from the couch. “Wow. I really need to change that.” I thought.


“Hey. Ryan? This is Jamie. Are you there? No one has seen you for a week. Ryan? Please answer.”


Staring at the phone, I took another swig of Jack. “I don’t want to talk to anyone.” I said to myself. Laying my head back on the edge of the couch, I closed my eyes.


I had barely drifted off to sleep, when I was startled awake by a loud noise. At first I thought there was a storm outside and it was the roaring sound of thunder. However, once the door bell rang I knew it was the front door.

“Who could that be I wondered?” As I slowly rose off the couch. Immediately the effects of all the alcohol in my system took effect and things started to get dizzy. Trying to catch my balance, I leaned over the couch. Slowly I stumbled my way over to the front door. I was halfway there when suddenly my balance gave way as I started falling forward. Quickly I held my hands out and leaned against the wall, catching myself at the last moment. The doorbell rang again and the banging continued.

“Coming.” I yelled, pushing off the wall and continuing down the wall. After much effort I reached the door. Pulling it open, light from the porch light shone into my dimly lit hall. The light revealed the faces of my best friends: Matt, Nate, Brett, and Troy.

“Dude we waited for like ten minutes, asshole.” Matt said, stepping in my doorway to hug me.


“Yeah. God you reek of alcohol!” Nate said, stepping back after giving me a hug.


“Dude. You do.” Troy and Brett agreed.


“Yeah. Maybe I had a shot or so.” I defended.


“One shot?” Troy laughed.


“Dude you look like shit.” Nate said.


“Thanks? I am fine.” I said.


We all walked back towards my living room; clearly they knew I was not sober as I stumbled along the wall behind them.


“Dude. Why are you drunk? No one hears from you for over a week. And this is what you do?” Nate asked sternly.


“I am not drunk.” I said, slightly slurring.


“Yeah? Is that why almost all your alcohol is gone? That’s like five handles.” Matt said, looking at the empty handles on my kitchen countertop.


“What the fuck man? I’m fine. Mind your own business.” I said.


“Look man. We are just worried. No one has seen you since you came back.”


“I’m fine.” I lied. I wanted to tell them the truth, but I just couldn’t. Part of me still hoped Chase would come back to me.


“Good. Cuz were going out.” Brett said.


“What? Where? I don’t wanna go!” I protested.


“The Dresden. Come on. You barely left for over a week.” Troy interjected.


“No. Really. I don’t feel like it.” I said starting to get a little irate.


“Too bad. We are going man. Get changed.” Brett said.


Looking at my friends I knew they were serious for wanting to take me out, so admitting defeat I went upstairs to get changed. A few minutes later, dressed in Diesel jeans and a black button down, I am sitting in Brett’s car.

The whole car ride, I just sat and watched the lights of Los Angeles and Hollywood get brighter and closer. Pulling off the 101 freeway we made our way down the streets of Hollywood. Soon after exiting, we were in front of an old building with a sign saying: “The Dresden Room”.  Brett pulled into an alleyway behind the place and stopped in front of the valet guy. Exiting the car, we walked down the steps to the entrance. We greeted the bouncer, who after checking our IDs told us to have a nice night. 

Once we opened the doors, we could hear the sounds of people talking and smooth jazz playing in the background. We walked inside to the lounge and saw the whole room was packed with people. There were all sorts of people; wearing elegant dresses, business suits, and some dressed casually. The Dresden was a known spot for all the different Hollywood types; from the actors and actresses to the writers and producers.

Making our way through the crowd, Brett told a waitress we had reserved a table. Smiling, she showed us to a small white booth at the corner of the room right by the stage. As we took a seat, Marty and Elayne came back on to perform their signature “Stayin’ Alive” cover.

“Welcome to the Dresden. I am Nancy.” She said warmly, “What would you like to drink?”


“Five rum and cokes please.” Matt said.


“Make mine a double.” I said, barely looking up at her.


“So Ryan. How are you feeling?” Nate asked.


“Great.” I said sarcastically, as Nancy came back with our drinks.


“No really, what’s up?” Brett asked.


“What’s up?” I said, starting to get a little annoyed and taking a hearty swig of my drink. “What’s up is the guy I fell in love with. The guy that meant the world to me is gone. All because I fucked up.”


“Ryan. What happened. Peter. He-” Nate began.


“It is all my fault. I never should have let him stay.” I interrupted. “I wasn’t thinking and I fucked it all up. I lost the one thing that made me truly happy. I lost Chase.”


“Look. Time will heal things. You just need to forget and move on.” Troy said.


“Move on? How can I move on? I love him. I still love him.”


“Just try, ok?” Brett said.




“But let’s talk about something else.” Matt said.


The five of us started talking about what I missed since I was gone. After a while I had put the thoughts of Chase in the back of my head; or at least tried to. It was the least I can do for my friends since they were trying to help me out.


“Hey Ryan. Do you notice the guy in the corner there?” Brett said suddenly.


“Yeah. What about him?” I asked.


“I swear he has been looking at you the whole night.”


“Whatever.” I said looking over at him, who as soon as we made eye contact looked away.


“Go talk to him.” Nate said, glancing over at him.


“Yeah. Or not.” I said.


“Seriously man, do it.” Matt said.


“I am not going to just--” I began.


“Hi there.” Came a shy voice from behind me. I turned around to look up to see the boy from across the table standing over me. “I am James.” He said, with a hint of nervousness.


I looked up at him and the first thing I noticed were his eyes. They were baby blue and shone like two pools of water in contrast to his short black hair and tan skin. His baby face made him look like he was only twenty or younger; but I knew that this was not the case since we were in a bar.


“Hi. I’m Ryan.” I answered offering a hand that he quickly shook. He gripped my hand tightly causing his muscles to ripple slightly, stretching against his tight white polo shirt. After introducing himself to all my friends James turns to me and asks, “How are you doing tonight?”


“Ok. I guess.” I answer. “And you?”


“Good. Just enjoying the night with my two friends.”


“Oh. Cool Cool.” Matt said. “Did they ditch you or something?”


“No, they are right over there.” He answered pointing to two guys talking amongst themselves.


“Well, invite them over. This table is big enough for the three of you.” Nate said, getting up. “Here sit down next to Ryan.” I shot Nate a “what-the-fuck-are-you-doing?” look.

“Ok. One second.” James said walking back to the other table.


“What the fuck?” I hissed at Nate.


“Dude. He totally likes you.” He defended.




“So. Talk to him. Get over Chase.”


“Nate, this is--”


“Guys, this is John and Ryan.” James said, introducing the two guys from the table. “They are here on vacation from Canada.”


Once everyone was introduced and seated, Matt asked “So what brings you down here?”


“Well, James is a friend of ours we met a long time ago and we finally got around to visiting him.” John said.


“Oh that’s cool. Are you guys having a lot of fun?” Troy asked.


“Yeah. California really is beautiful. And there is a lot to do.” Ryan said.


“Yeah. I love it here. There is so much to do. Hollywood. The beach. The mountains. Although I am sure you guys have better mountains up in Canada.” I said.


“Haha yeah.” John said.  “It’s really nice up there too. But it’s different here.”


“So how do you guys know each other?” James asked us.


“We all went to the same high school together.” Brett said. “And you guys?”


“We met a long time ago. Online actually. Ryan and I were going through some rough times together and we met him on a gay help website.” John answered.


“Oh. You two are dating? What happened if I may ask?” Matt asked.


“Yeah we are. For almost two years. Well it is a long story and we still hurt talking about it. But basically we started dating the end of high school and kept it a secret. Until one day my parent’s found out via an email and told Ryan’s parents. Next thing we knew we were kicked out of the house. We eventually moved in together. James helped us get through it. He stuck with us even when no one would. Not even our own parents.”


“Wow. I am so sorry.” Brett said.


Hearing this made me angry, “Wow that is so fucked up. How could someone’s parents ever through someone out for something they cannot change? I was so lucky when I came out.”


“Yeah. It is great to have supportive friends.” Ryan said.


“I know what you mean.”


“I’ll drink to that. How about another round?” Matt said jokingly.


We all agreed and got the waitress attention and ordered.


“So, Ryan. Are you seeing anyone?” James said looking at me.


“No. I am not. You?” I said. This question made me think of Chase again and a sudden surge of loneliness rushed through my body.


“Same here.” James said.


“Oh cool.” I said, smiling. I had no idea what to say to that. “Does he want to date?” I thought to myself. “Am I even ready to move on?” Nate seemed to notice what I was thinking and asked Ryan and John about Canada to change the subject.


“Hey James. You know you look familiar.” I asked suddenly. He did look familiar I had seen him before. But where?




“Yeah. I could have sworn I say you before.”


“Oh that’s because he is on--” John said, but was quickly interrupted by James, “Nowhere. I guess I just have a familiar face. Now who wants another round?”


“I guess. Sure.” I said, not fully buying James’ explanation. I had seen him before.


“Hey we’re gonna go out to the smoking balcony for a bit.” Nate said, as he and the guys got up.  “Why don’t you stay with James as he orders.”


“Ok sure.” I said giving Nate another evil eye. I knew he was trying to set me up, but somehow I still wanted Chase.


“Yeah. I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” John said, catching Nate’s hint.


“I’m…I’ll be back in a bit.” Ryan added and left.


“Hmm. Just you and me.” James said smiling at me and scooted a littler closer.


“Yeah. Just us two.” I said, laughing a little.


“You know. I really love your smile. Especially when you laugh.”


“Thanks.” I said, blushing slightly. “I like your eyes. It is such an intense blue.”


“Thanks.” James said smiling. At this point we were only centimeters away. We stared into each others eyes for a few moments, then James leaned forward and our lips met. He brushed his fingertips over my cheek as he pressed his lips into mine. A spark of electricity flickered through my body as he kissed me. It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. “Shit. I am so sorry.” James said, suddenly realizing what he had done. “I...I was--” I interrupted him by putting my lips to his again. He moaned as I slipped my tongue into his warm mouth. He slid his hand up, gently caressing the side of my face with his fingertips, before slowly running his hands over my hair. I slid my hand down the back of his body, gently tracing his spine. Then it hit me; Chase. I quickly pulled back and James looked shocked.


“Did…Did I do something wrong?” he said, with hurt in his eyes.


“No. No. It were amazing. Look I just can’t.” I said, looking down to avoid seeing the hurt in his eyes.


“Fuck! This is typical. I screw things up again. I better go.” He said, slowly getting up.


“No.” I said grabbing his arm. “It’s not you. Please stay.”


“Why? I already fucked up. I met a great guy and I fuck it up going too fast. I bet you don’t even like me.”


“James. That’s not it. You are a great guy. And this..the kiss…it was amazing. I just…fuck. I’m still not over Chase.”




“Yeah. My ex. We broke up a bit ago and well I guess I’m still not over him. You really are a great guy, but I don’t want to hurt you.”


“No. I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”


“It’s ok. I am sorry too. I mean I kissed you back.”


“It’s all ok.”


“Look James. I really do like you. You seem like such a great guy. I enjoyed just talking to you. I just cannot do a relationship. Not right now anyway.”


“Fine then. We’re friends. I wanna be there for you. You’re a great guy too.”


“Thanks, but you don’t have too.”


“I know. But I want to. And maybe someday when you are ready, something more can happen between us. Who knows. I just want to be there for you.”


“Thanks.” I said kissing him on the cheek. “So we better order those drinks, before the guys come back from giving us alone time.”


“Haha. Yeah. Really I could tell they were trying to hook us up.”


“Yeah. Gotta love them for trying.”


The waitress came around to our table and we ordered a round for everyone. Just as the waitress came back with our drinks, the rest of our group came back.


“Perfect timing.” Brett said, being the last one to slide into the booth.


“Haha yeah.” James said, looking at me and smiling.


“What was that?” Ryan asked, looking between us.


“That smile. You two. Is there something going on?” He asked, smirking.


“Huh. What? We…I?” James started.


“We kissed. Ok. I know y’all wanna know.”


“Yeah.” James said confidently.


The eight of us spent the rest of the night talking and enjoying the laid back atmosphere until one when we all decided to head home. James and I exchanged numbers and he reminded me that he wanted me to remember that he was there for me. I started to walk back when I realized I forgot something and walked back to James and gave him another kiss and thanked him for a good time.


I woke the next day to the buzzing noise of the cell phone. Groggily I looked at the clock which read “10:30 AM” and then pushed the covers off me. Stretching, I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed my cell phone. I had one new text message from Lydia asking me how I was and if I could go online. I replied saying that I would sign on in a few. Getting out of bed, I found a clean pair of boxers and walked across the hall to the computer room. Sitting down, I signed on AIM and IMed Lydia.


Me: Hi Lydia.


Lydia: Heyy! How are you :]]


Me: Good. You?


Lydia: Greattt


Me: That’s good. How is Chasey?


Lydia: Goodd. He misses you. He will never admit it but he does.


Me: Oh. I miss him a lot too. I love him


Lydia: I kno you do. Despite everything that’s happened I kno you do. Y’all had something special.


Me: I love him so much and miss him. It’s been so hard without him. I miss him every second. Everything reminds me of him.


Lydia: I kno. He feels the same way. I would give anything to make him smile the way you did.


Me: I would do anything to make him smile again. I wish I could smile. Since I we broke up there really hasn’t been a day that I was really happy or smiled unless I forced it. I wish I could go to bed and not cry myself to sleep. Or not fall asleep of fear of seeing him in my dreams and knowing I hurt him.


Lydia: Aww. I know he would not want you to feel that. He wants you to be happy.


Me: And I want him to be happy. I love him so much. All I want is for him to be happy.


Lydia: He is getting better. Slowly he is becoming his old self again. And I know he wants you to be happy too. He still cares about you. He wants you to be ok.


Me: Well hopefully one day I will be.


Lydia: Don’t worry it will come. Both of you will get through this.


Me: Thanks Lydia.


Lydia and I talked for a bit more then she had to go. I thought about what she said. Chase wanted me to be happy. Should I go with James? Would it be fair?




A few weeks later, I was at Starbucks waiting for my friend Jamie to arrive. I promised to meet her because she was getting worried about me and the breakup with Chase. I was still deep in thought about my relationship with him, what Lydia said, and what I should do about James that I did not even see her walk up to me.


“Hello. Earth to Ryan!” She said, taking a seat.


“Oh. Sorry.” I said, snapping back to reality. “I was just thinking.”


“About what?”




“You need to let it go. It’s been almost two months.”


“I can’t. I miss everything about him. I miss the way that we used to talk for hours on end. We would talk about nothing and to me it was the most important conversation I had. Even if we just sat there in complete silence, it was still one of the best conversations I’ve had. I miss the way he made me feel. Whenever I was with him, nothing else matters. It was like all my troubles and all my stresses were gone when I was with him. I felt loved just being around him. I mean he made my heart smile. I miss how he was a complete dork. The way he would look at me and then look away and act like he was never looking. The way he would turn red the second he got even remotely embarrassed. The way that he would do the goofiest things and that when I called him cute, how much he would deny it. How he would put up this big scene whenever I called him cute. I miss his crooked smile. It was just perfect. I miss how just by looking at me, he could make me smile. I miss everything about him. I miss his gentle touch; I miss the way he kissed me. The way he made love to me. The way he would gently stroke my side with his fingertips in the morning. I miss waking up to him. I miss his voice; that adorable slight Southern accent he had. I miss having him as my boyfriend. As my boo boo.


“Aww Ryan. I--”


“I miss him Jamie. I really do. My world has come to a crashing halt without him.” I said, trying hard to keep back the tears.


“I know you do. But really, you need to move on. I mean I know you love him and he still loves you. But I know he does not want to see you like this. He wants you to be happy. It’s not fair for either of you to be this upset.”


“I know. I just…I miss him.”


“In time things will be easier. Now what about this James guy? When were you going to tell me about him?”


“What? How did you know?”


“Nate told me.”


“Well what is there to tell?”


“I don’t know. You tell me.”


“Well I met him at the Dresden a few weeks back. We hit it off well.”


“So what does that mean? Did you two kiss?”


“We did. Once.”




“Whatever. It did not mean anything.”


“Have you seen him since then?”


“Well, yeah. He called me the day after and we met up a few times. Nothing happened. I mean we are just friends. He knows about Chase and he understands.”


“Well do you want something more with him?”


“See. I don’t know. I love Chase and I cannot get him out of my mind. But James is nice and caring and funny and just a great guy. I just feel like I cannot give up on Chase. Like part of me still thinks he is going to come back.”


“He might. But you need to let him go for now. If you two are meant to be, then in time it will happen. Right now you cannot just give up part of your life for something that may or may not happen.”


“I guess you’re right. But I still feel bad.”


“Don’t. What’s meant to be will take its course when the time is right. Just enjoy all the time you have in life.”


“Yeah. That makes sense. I guess you’re right.”


“Good. I hope you feel somewhat better.”


“I do. I just need to think over everything.”


Jamie and I talked for a bit more about Chase, James and I before just catching up on things that happened. After an hour of talking, she had to go and I drove to the beach and walked around thinking about what Jamie said. She was right: Chase did love me and wanted me to be happy. Just like I love him and want the best for him. After a bit of walking, I realized I was in the spot that Chase and I first had sex on the beach. A sudden wave of sadness surged through my body and I felt my stomach feel sick. Falling upon my knees, I could no longer hold back the tears and started bawling. After a few moments, I was able to recover and I sat there watching the waves crash upon the white sand. Life was definitely different without Chase; without my Chasey. Feeling in my pocket I pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, unfolded it and read it.


I sit here and think

Think of all that I lost

Think of all the pain

Pain I caused you

I wish it was not so

But wishing won’t solve a thing

I am sorry for all

All I did

I lied to you

To the person I needed

The person I loved most

I will never give up

Never stop loving you

If there was anything I could do

If there ever was

I would in a heartbeat

I will wait for you

No matter how long

You are worth everything

Every tear I shed

All the pain I feel

You are worth it

I want you back

Back in my life

I will always love you, Chase

No matter what happens

I will always


            Looking down at the poem I wrote, a tear slides off my cheek and onto the paper. Sighing, I wipe my eyes and look out to sea. The setting sun casts its reflection on the blue green ocean. “What should I do? I do love Chase. What about James?” I thought. I watched the sun inch toward the slight ripples of the ocean, almost as if it didn’t want to face the inevitable. As dusk turned to night, the final rays of light attempted at escape, to no avail, just before the horizon swallowed them entirely. Another day has ended. Another day of my life. Another day without Chase. A new day will come tomorrow, but what it holds; I cannot say for sure.  





-The End-


As I wrote in the beginning of this story, this is dedicated to Chase. I know that I was not always the best boyfriend a guy could have. I know I made mistakes in our relationship and for that I am sorry. I just want you to know that you are the best boyfriend I ever had. The way you made me feel; made me feel loved, no other person has ever done. I know I promised you things, a lot which I did not keep; but there is one promise I will always keep. I promised you that I will love you, now and forever. I will always keep that and keep you close to my heart. No matter what happens, where life brings us; know that I will ALWAYS love you with all my heart and soul. I will keep my memories of you close to my heart.




Author’s Notes: First off, I know a lot of you are probably disappointed by the ending. It is a very ambiguous ending, but it is this way for a reason. Life is not like a book; there are no definite answers. It is all an unknown, and this is what I wanted to reflect in this story. Everything happens for a reason, and what happens next, we will never know until it happens.


Second, in this chapter I mentioned Ryan and John and their struggle of coming out and keeping their love for each other. Soon, I will start writing their story. It will be a true story, taken from countless emails of these two brave men, that despite all odds stayed together and fought for their love. John once mentioned an idea that I am proud to finally see come to fruition. I have decided to start a yahoo group for all you readers out there. There you can post your stories of coming out, advice for anyone coming out. Advice on being gay, thoughts on the world and life in general. I encourage you to join, and I encourage any straight supporters to join as well. We live in a “crappy” world at times, but at least we can make a small change in it.

So please join at


Finally, please Email me at: ryrywntsu@yahoo for any comments, suggestions, etc. Also check out “Discovering Love” my other story on here under the High School section.