Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2015 21:26:37 +0000 (UTC)
From: Aaron Hull <wah.stories@yahoo.com>
Subject: My Name is Connor: Chapter 04

- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -

	I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I
haven't had time to write something like this in forever so it was pretty
fun. Other stories by me include One or the Other, Gavin's Got Game,
Hayden's Story, Shawn's Turn, Teddy Bear, and the After Party. The first
five are found here in the gay highschool section and the latter two are in
the gay college section. If you do enjoy reading this, you can contact me
at wah.stories@yahoo.com.

- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -

	I woke up the next morning with a pair of arms wrapped around me. I
rolled over and saw that Troye really was laying there. I couldn't believe
it. Troye Sharp kissed me and stayed over. The fact that he was drooling on
my pillow should have disgusted me but somehow it made him that much cuter.

	Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, I slithered my way
out of his arms and went into the bathroom to freshen up. Troye may have
that sexy bed-head look when he wakes up but I look like something out of a
horror movie.

	For the first few minutes, I just stared back at my reflection. I
couldn't see what Troye saw last night. I would try to point some flaws out
but I thought everything about me was a flaw. I may have been able to step
out onto a stage and perform, but that's all it was, performing. Whenever I
was alone with my thoughts, like I was at that moment, my insecurities took
over and just looking at myself could make me cry.

	"You look so cute." I was startled by his voice. I looked over from
the mirror in front of my sink and Troye was standing in the
doorway. Somewhere between making out and falling asleep, Troye had lost
his shirt so he was standing there in just his sweat pants; I finally got
to see what my hands had explored all night.

	I had to recompose myself. I couldn't do this to him now. Things
were finally looking good, I couldn't risk ruining it by
being...well...me. "I don't know what you're talking about." I turned back
to the mirror and started to fix my hair.

	Troye came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "You
have no idea how long I've wanted to kiss you." His voice was still groggy
from just waking up. He then proceeded to kiss my neck lightly. What I was
feeling in that moment was nothing less than bliss.

	I couldn't help but let a small sigh out. "How long have you wanted
me?" I really wanted to know how long had we been star-crossed lovers.

	"I've always known something was up, even when we were kids. I
could never pinpoint what it was. All I knew is that it involved you. Last
Friday, when I saw you soaking wet, I realized what I had been craving all
along. I wanted to kiss you that day but I didn't want to freak you out."

	"You know you could have told me." I leaned back and melted into
his bare skin. I was never a genius but I knew that was exactly where I was
supposed to be.

	"You have a girlfriend. I don't know many guys who would risk
something like that for someone like me."

	I turned around to gaze into his eyes, the reflection in the mirror
wasn't enough anymore. "Someone like you? What does that mean?"

	His face turned sour. "I already told you last night. I'm not
me. I'm who everyone wants me to be. Why would someone want to be with a
person like that?"

	"You are real with me, aren't you?"

	He looked down towards the ground. "Yeah."

	"So don't feel that way. You are amazing. Everything about you is
perfect. From the way you smile to the way my briefs somehow make your abs
look even sexier, I can't get enough of you, Troye Sharp."

	That made him smile. He then leaned in and kissed me. It was still
so surreal. I couldn't believe any of it. I was so sure that I was
dreaming. "You are so amazing, Connor. I don't know what I'd do without you
in my life."

	"I don't know either."

	Troye lifted me up and sat me on the edge of my sink, keeping his
hands to my sides. I wrapped my legs around his waist and we just staid
like that for a while. He was staring into my eyes and I was staring right
back into his. This was something so new to me. All of it. But it seemed so
right. I didn't need to do this with anything guy to know that Troye is the
one who makes me feel complete. "Do you want pizza? I'm starving."

	I rolled my eyes. "Of course you'd be thinking about food right
now."

	"Well I'm really craving some sausage right now. So much that my
mouth is watering." Troye winked as he said this.

	Last night we didn't have sex. Our hands did roam and there may or
may not have been some fondling. But when that fondling may or may not have
happened, Troye could tell I was a little reluctant so that's as far as we
may or may not have went.

	"I'm sure you would." I stared into his eyes some more and I
couldn't help but smile. He was so fucking cute that it hurt.

	"Why are you smiling?" He started to smile too.

	"It's nothing. I just like staring at you and all your sexiness."

	"Well it's all yours, baby." He then leaned in and kissed me
again. No matter how often he kissed me, I felt myself melt every single
time.

	"Can I ask you something?" I didn't want to talk about it but it
had to be talked about.

	"Are you a virgin?"

	The look he gave me told me everything. "I'm not. I'm so sorry,
Connor. If I knew this would happen, I would have definitely waited for
you."

	"I'm not mad at you. You are a very attractive jock, I would be
shocked if you were a virgin." I kissed him again, reassuring him that I
didn't care. "What was it like? Having sex?"

	"It wasn't as amazing as I thought it was. Having another person
touch you is amazing, but not as mind blowing as I've always imagined it."

	"Was it with a guy or a girl?"

	"Well my first time doing anything sexual was with a guy but my
first time having intercourse was with a chick."

	I giggled. "Did you really just say intercourse?"

	"What? I can't sound intellectual?"

	"It's not that. It's just...everything you say is really cute. Is
it a crime to think that?"

	"I'd like to think of myself as sexy, not cute. But as long as you
are the one saying it to me, I don't mind a bit."

	Obviously we had to kiss again. This time the kiss lasted a little
longer than it normally did. It was nice having him there.

	"So, what was it like? I want to hear every detail about your sex
life." I finally said when out lips separated.

	"So you know Chad?" I nodded. "Well in middle school, he and I were
chilling and the topic of sex came up. Well, after a bit, he and I said we
had no idea what to do and we decided we'd help each other out so we
wouldn't be too unexperienced. We swapped head a couple times but that was
the most we did. The idea of anal came up once, I was going to let him fuck
me and then get my turn the next time, but Chad got a date with some chick
and decided we should probably stop doing stuff."

	I was turned on at this point. I knew I had to behave, though,
because I was not in the emotional state to go that far with him. "That
sounds really hot."

	"It wasn't. It was really awkward the first few times. He was
obviously not into giving and only liked receiving. The only reason he
sucked me was because I refused to do anything without reciprocation."

	"What about your first time having `intercourse?'"

	Troye rolled his eyes. "That was actually not too long ago, which
is the main reason why I wish it didn't happen. Jada, one of the girls on
the cheerleading squad, and I were kinda dating. I was only with her to
make people think I was straight and she was only dating me so that she
could have a basketball player as a boyfriend. One night while I was
drinking, she decided it was time to go all the way. I wasn't really sure
but she told me that people would think I was gay if we didn't fuck
soon. We ended up doing it, she did most of the work, I didn't know what to
do and there were parts of her I really didn't want to touch. The next day
when I had sobered up, I was pissed. I wasn't plastered that night but she
had taken advantage of me and I told her that we were through."

	"When you say recent, how recent do you mean?"

	"Less than two months ago." That kinda hurt. I wanted to think he
had done this a long time ago. But I shouldn't care. A little over a week
ago, he and I thought we'd never talk again. "I promise you I didn't enjoy
it, I'm surprised she even got me hard."

	I couldn't help but smile, he was trying so hard to make sure I was
okay. "The only thing that pisses me off about what you told me is that she
took advantage of you."

	"Look on the bright side. If we ever do get together like that, you
will be my first sober partner."

	"That is definitely something I would be proud of. And just so you
know, I'm a virgin. So you would be my first everything."

	"So you and Spencer have never done anything?" I forgot that he
wasn't in the circle that knew Spencer and I weren't actually dating.

	"I would never touch her like that. We're just friends. People
assumed we were dating and we just went along with it. I didn't want people
to know I was gay and she didn't want people hitting on her all the time so
it's worked out. It was kinda like your arrangement with Jada but Spencer
knows I don't like chicks."

	"Wait? Why does Spencer hate me then? I thought she hated me
because she could tell I wanted her boyfriend."

	"Spencer isn't very forgiving. When she found out what you did to
me all those years ago, she cut you out completely. It'll take us a while
to show her that you aren't the same person you were back then." I leaned
in to kiss him. He didn't kiss back. "Is everything okay?"

	Troye gripped onto me a little tighter. I could tell something was
wrong. "You're going to hate me."

	"What? What is it?" Was he going to end things now? Has he really
changed?

	"I don't want you to tell your friends about us. You can tell them
we're friends. I don't want them to know we're more than that."

	"More than that?"

	"Connor." He looked up and his eyes seemed to be full of tears. "I
want you to be my boyfriend. I...I don't know how I feel about you but I
know it's a good feeling. It's the kind that makes me feel warm inside and
the kind that gets me through the day. I'm just not ready for the world to
know. I don't know if I could handle the looks we'd get out in public. I
don't want my paranoia to ruin us so I feel like that's the only way I can
do this without freaking. If your friends have kept your secret this long
then I know they're trustworthy, but like you said, Spencer hates me. What
if we get into a fight and before I am able to apologize for whatever
stupid thing I've done, she confronts me in front of everyone?"

	I didn't want to believe Spencer would do that, she loves me too
much and she knows that I would never forgive her myself if that
happened. But I can see where he's coming from. I don't want him to always
worry about everyone around us. "I don't think I can take you up on being
boyfriends." Troye started to move his hands away from my waist. I quickly
grabbed his hands and moved them back. "But that doesn't mean that I can't
think about it. My heart says I feel the same way but my head says that I
bring people in way too quickly. I need some time before we can label what
we have. Okay?"

	He slightly grinned. "I guess that's the best I can get."

	I kissed him again and this time he kissed back. "Now since we're
going to be a secret, you might want to get your sexy ass out of
here. Patrick stays over every Sunday night and he can smell jock a mile
away."

	"I'll see you Monday? After school?" He went back into my room to
collect his things.

	"Yeah. And just so you know, since we don't have any musical or
play going on, I'll only be staying after school on Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays so you don't have to wait on me Tuesday and Thursday."

	"What a coincidence. I don't have that one thing on Tuesdays and
Thursdays anymore."

	"Did you ever have anything on those days?"

	He just smiled. "You're right, I gotta go." He grabbed his shirt
off the floor and was gone. Last night was something I would never
forget. Even though it started off not so great, Troye made it a thousand
times better.

	I then decided it was time for me to actually get ready for the day
because Patrick would be there any minute to take me to go get celebratory
ice cream.

	Once I finished getting dressed, I grabbed my phone. I saw I had
three messages. One was from Spencer, saying that if I needed anything
she'd be over to help. Another was from Patrick, asking me what in the
world had happened and where I had gone. The last one was from Micah. Shit!
I had forgotten all about Micah. This sudden feeling of remorse and fear
overcame me.

	Micah and I. We were just starting our thing. I can't believe I
forgot about him. How could I do that to him?  Not even 24 hours ago he and
I had our lips jammed together and I was thinking that was the most amazing
thing in my life. What was I going to do? I couldn't just end things with
Troye, he and I have a connection and there is definitely a lot of pent up
desire that I really want to explore. But then I can't just end things with
Micah either, he hasn't done anything to make me question his intentions
and I know he's right for me.

	"Connor! You down here?" Patrick.

	"Yeah, man. I was just finishing up." I had to push those thoughts
aside for now. Patrick can't know about me and Troye and I can't think of
any logical reason as to why I would suddenly have second thoughts about me
and Micah without telling him.

	Patrick appeared at the bottom of my stairs and his eyes were
extremely red. "Where were you last night? One minute we were dancing and
the next Spencer told me you had left because you weren't feeling well."

	"Sorry. Like she told you, I needed to get home, I already threw up
at the party and I knew it would happen again. Were you crying?"

	"No. After you left I got a little sad so I drank some more. Let's
just say this hangover is killer. Hopefully ice cream will hit the spot."

	Like he always did, Patrick gave me a reason to smile. Hopefully
this smile could last until after school tomorrow when he's not near me.

	The two of us left and we went to some ice cream parlor that one of
Patrick's uncles owned. It was a nice little place and Patrick's uncle
allowed us to eat for free so it made it that much better. Patrick and I
were able to leave last night off the table completely and we talked as if
it never happened. Most of what we talked about was the musical and how
excited we were to hear some of the locals' opinions on it, Ms. Dennis
always had a comment box outside the auditorium so people could say how
they felt about the show. The next time she would see all of us, she'd read
the reviews.

	"Do you think Olivia Benson is cute?" Patrick asked me out of the
blue. He was twirling his fingers and wasn't looking me in the eyes. His
face was also almost as red as his eyes.

	I grinned. I could immediately tell he was into her but I wanted to
be an ass. "Do you know who you're talking to?"

	He rolled his eyes. "Shut up and answer the question. You're the
one with a hot girlfriend and all."

	"I think she's cute. And just so you know, she goes by Liv."

	He rolled his eyes again. "Thanks. Anything else?" He asked
sarcastically.

	"She loves the outdoors, her dog's name is Buttercream, she is a
fan of the Baltimore Ravens, and she loves to wear the color teal because
she thinks it matches her eyes and makes the highlights in her hair more
noticeable."

	Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see his fingers stop
twirling. I looked up from my bowl of ice cream and saw the look of
confusion on his face. "How do you know all of this?"

	I knew I shouldn't tell him anything without Spencer but I had to,
if I tried to wait he'd just bother me and we'd eventually
fight. "Spencer. The two were close back in middle school but now they are
kinda estranged because Liv's ex-boyfriend came in-between the two. He
didn't like Spencer and told Liv she had to choose between the two of
them."

	"Damn." He looked a little more confused than he was before I told
him. "Wait, why would Spencer tell you all of this and not say anything to
me?"

	"As a last resort for saving the friendship, she wanted me to
befriend Liv so then we could be a group or something. Her boyfriend got
even more pissed when I started talking to her. He actually confronted me
and told me that I already had Spencer and that I should back off of
Liv. All this happened before you and Spencer had become friends."

	Now he was full blown confused. "Why am I just now finding out
about this? I feel like this should have come up a long time ago. Liv's
name has come up in conversations before. You would think Spencer would
remember that the two of them used to be friends."

	"Liv knows Spencer's secret. After I told Spencer about Liv's
boyfriend confronting me, Spencer told me to leave everything alone. She
was scared that if either she or I rocked the boat some more, Liv's
boyfriend would convince her to hate us. That could possibly lead to Liv or
her boyfriend telling everyone Spencer's secret to ruin her."

	"And why are you telling me this?" Patrick had all but stopped
eating his ice cream, he was more interested in our best friend and her
ex-friend.

	"Because if you are interested in Liv, you have to know everything
going into it. If I didn't tell you know and then Liv mentioned something
about me and Spencer, you would be pissed at us and who knows what would
have happened."

	I was sure he would be pissed, I knew I would if I were in his
shoes. To my surprise, Patrick smiled. "You are just like her, you know
that right?"

	"Like who?" Was he referring to Liv? She and I only talked a few
times and I never noticed any similarities in our personalities.

	"Spencer."

	It was now my turn to be confused. "How so?"

	"The two of you are always full of secrets and you know how to keep
them all in line. I don't know how you guys do it."

	"Our entire lives are based on secrets, Patrick. If it weren't for
them, Spencer and I wouldn't exist."

	"I have no idea how I'm friends with the two of you," He was
smiling so I knew he wasn't serious. "You make everything so
complicated. There's always a simple answer and it seems like you guys
always think it's the wrong one."

	"The life of a gay teenager is complicated so it makes sense to go
with the options that could possibly present further complications."
Although I was trying to be funny, I knew it was true. What I should have
done when I remember that Micah and I were kinda seeing each other was tell
the both of them. I knew it wasn't going to happen though.

	Our conversation switched from Liv to Pretty Little Liars. I was in
love with the show and when they had a marathon on TV, I forced Patrick to
watch it with me. He won't admit it, but he loved it just as much as I did.

	We eventually decided we had enough ice cream and returned to my
place. For the rest of the afternoon, we just watched movies and played
video games. At one point, the two of us went upstairs for dinner. All my
mom wanted to talk about at the dinner table was how great the musical
was. Elle had also gone and all she could talk about was how awesome of a
dancer Patrick was, she never once uttered my name. I was pretty sure she
had a crush on him, but since she's five and he's sixteen, I don't think
it'd really work out right now.

	Since I'm not allowed to ever be happy, I got a call during dinner,
it was Micah. I excused myself from the table and went into the living
room.

	"Hey!" I tried to sound like nothing was wrong, even though there
was a lot wrong with this situation.

	"Hey. I texted you this morning and you never replied. Are you
okay?" He sounded really concerned and that made me hurt even more
considering what I was doing that morning.

	"Yeah. I slept in this morning and completely forgot that I was
going to be hanging out with Patrick today. I forgot my phone in the rush
and I never thought about checking it when I got back. How are you?" Lying
really is a part of me.

	"I'm good. I wanted to explain to you what you saw last night." I
was confused at first, but then I remembered seeing Kevin flirting with
Micah in front of everyone.

	"You don't have to explain anything, Micah. I've known Kevin for a
while and it was harmless flirting."

	"I still feel really bad. I wanted to let you know you're the only
guy I have eyes for right now. I don't want you to think I'm some kind of
tramp or something." Although that was supposed to make me feel better, I
could help but feel like someone had twisted a corkscrew into my throat and
just tanked it out.

	"I don't think that. I promise." I really wanted to hang up and go
cry but I couldn't let on that things weren't alright. I had to be
strong. If I wasn't, things would fall apart. Why should I drag everyone
else down with me?

	"Good." He sounded so relieved and so happy. If only he knew the
truth. He'd hate me. That happiness wouldn't exist. "So, what's up?"

	"Oh. I was just eating dinner with my family."

	"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to drag you away from them. I'll go."

	"It's not your fault I answered so don't worry." Really. Don't. I
should be the one worrying since I'm the one who royally fucked everything
up before it every started.

	"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then?"

	"Yeah. See ya." I hung up before he could try or say anything cute,
I really was on the verge of crying.

	"You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but know I'm here for you
sweetie." I looked over and my mom was standing there.

	When I couldn't hold it in anymore, she immediately came over and
held me. Ever since Dad left, the two of us being in the other's arms was
nothing new. I just cried as she held me, giving me something to absorb my
tears.

	I was good at holding things together, but every now and then, the
foundation cracks and I can't hold anything back, everything I could think
about that had hurt me in the past few months began to haunt me again.

	After about five minutes, I got to the point where I could put a
flimsy piece of duct tape over the whole in the foundation and I stopped
crying. "Go ahead downstairs." My mom told me. "I'll go change and when I
go back into the dining room, I'll tell Elle and Patrick that Dad had
called and you just needed some time. Okay?"

	I just nodded. It had happened before; dad calling. The second I
heard his voice, I hung up and broke down immediately. Patrick knew about
that incident so he'd believe my mom. I just wished I could tell her what
was actually happening. But if I told my mom I was essentially cheating on
Micah, would she just see me as Dad? I didn't want to risk that. I couldn't
lose both of my parents like this. It's one thing when they die, unless
they committed suicide, they couldn't control leaving you. But when your
mother or father chooses to leave you, you can't help but feel responsible
and feel like everything about you is a mistake. I knew I wasn't good
enough for my dad, I couldn't give my mom the chance to realize I wasn't
good enough for her either.

	I went downstairs and immediately put my earbuds in and listened to
music. I wanted to leave this world for as long as I could and music gave
me that escape I needed. When Patrick finally came down, I had actually
fixed the foundation with something better than duct tape and I was no
longer on the verge of breaking down.

	Patrick didn't say anything to me, he just came over to where I was
laying down and wrapped his arms around me, even though I was smiling when
I saw him. He just held me and told me that everything would be okay. I
wanted to believe him, but only if he knew what was really going on, he
would know that there is no okay in this situation.

	Patrick eventually turned the TV on and we watched some comedy, I
wasn't really sure what it was. It did lift my spirits and the fact that
Patrick never once let go of me made everything that much better.

	The next day, Patrick and I met Spencer outside the school. "You
really need to learn how to use your phone." Spencer complained to me. "You
never responded to anything I sent you yesterday. If it weren't for
Patrick, I would have been sure you were kidnapped."

	"I'm sorry, your highness." I curtsied. "I was feeling like a
technophobe yesterday. Haven't you had those days before?"

	She looked at me as though I was stupid. "I live on my phone,
Connor. I have a second battery in my bag because I can run one down before
school ends and I can't go that long to get to a charger."

	I rolled my eyes. "You are definitely a rare breed, you know?" I
looked at her and smiled.

	She obviously didn't think it was funny. "And what's that supposed
to mean?"

	"Anyways," Patrick interrupted. "Dusty told me that Mr. Lewman is
giving a pop quiz on photosynthesis."

	"That's not a pop quiz." Spencer snapped back at him. "It was in
the syllabus he gave us at the beginning of the year."

	"You are so anal." Patrick said with a laugh. I couldn't help but
smile with him.

	Spencer scoffed at the idea and made a dramatic exit stage right. I
would never understand the mechanics of Spencer and Patrick's
friendship. She really is anal and he's so laid back, they rarely ever
existed on the same plane.

	The day went on and nothing eventful occurred during school. I got
through all my classes, I even passed the quiz Mr. Lewman gave us. After
school, I talked to Ms. Porter about the advanced class, letting her know I
would definitely take it. Everything was going bad and I didn't want to
wait any longer and allow something bad to happen to this opportunity.

	At the drama club meeting, Ms. Dennis read the reviews. Most of
them were positive but there were some very rude ones. The review that
stuck out to me the most was "The guy who played Marco could get it
whenever." Ms. Dennis didn't understand what the person was saying and this
made it that much funnier for everyone in the room besides me, who was more
than embarrassed.

	After she dismissed us for the day, I basically ran out of the
room. I could face Micah and I knew he'd want to talk after the meeting
ended. Troye was sitting in his car outside and I got into the passenger
seat and kinda ducked, Micah didn't know Troye and I were friends so I was
hoping he wouldn't look over here if he came looking, but I had to be sure.

	"Everything okay, James Bond?" Troye asked.

	"Everything's perfect." I had focused my eyes on the auditorium
doors, waiting for everyone else to come out.

	"Good." I then felt his hand on my thigh. "You know I meant it,
right?"

	"Meant what?" I remained vigilant, people started to come out and I
was now watching for Micah.

	"You can get it whenever you want."

	It took me a second but I made the connection. Suddenly Micah
catching me no longer mattered. My heard spun so fast to look at him. "That
was you?!"

	He smiled. "Yeah. I didn't know that I would be kissing you later
that night so I thought I'd tell you what I wanted anonymously."

	"You embarrassed me in front of everyone." I was actually slightly
upset with him.

	"I'm sorry." He actually looked hurt.

	Everything inside me that made me upset with him suddenly
evaporated. "It's okay. Just don't do it again. Okay?"

	"I'll try. It's hard not writing you adorable messages."

	"What's so adorable about you saying I could get it whenever."

	He sat there for a second. "I don't know. But I was thinking of you
when I was writing it and you're adorable."

	I leaned in to kiss him but it didn't happen. Troye leaned back and
kinda pushed me away. He nodded towards the groups of people outside his
car and I remembered we weren't in a private place.

	After that, we were eventually on our way to my place. Troye was
going to be staying for dinner. I knew it probably wasn't the best idea
since I had a breakdown last dinner, but I texted him and invited him while
Patrick and I were out the other day. I knew dinner would be interesting,
but my life had been nothing but interesting the past week so I was ready
for it.

- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -

	Every time I read a story of Nifty, I never read the top part, so
just in case you are like me and only read the bottom portion if you liked
the story, here is my email again: wah.stories@yahoo.com. If you email me,
please state what story you're referring to. Thanks for reading and I hope
you have a fantastic day. :)

	I have decided to restart an e-mail list to let you all know when a
new chapter is released. Please let me know my e-mail if you are interested
in this. If there aren't many, I may not do it.

	Please donate to Nifty.org! Your donations keep this amazingwebsite
running and gives us a place to escape from reality every now andthen. If
you donate, the likelihood of me falling in love with you increases tenfold
so please consider it.

- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -