I kiss him. Sure. All the time. I like his lips. The way his tongue is still so afraid to enter my mouth when he knows I'd be more than happy to have it there. The way he gently sucks at me during every adored embrace of our lips. I love the way his hands tremble nervously as they slide up and down my backside. I love the way he becomes breathless every time I smile in his direction. I love the excitement that I inspire inside of him with little to no effort. It makes me feel like a young playboy to so easily cause another boy this cute to shake and stutter with harsh insecurity in my presence. It's heaven for me. Afterall I have everything I want, right? I'm recognized as being extremely cute, I'm gay, but well hidden, and I have even the most beautiful of all the boys in school falling to their knees to get the opportunity to sleep with me. Even the ones I've had big crushes on in the past have been eager to have me in their beds...just once. To know that any gay teen boy, and every straight teen girl that I look at...is looking right back at me...can be quite rewarding. Even if my supposed good looks make me a bit shy at times. So what's missing? What is it that keeps me from floating on air over my wonderful position in life? I'll tell you what...I am not now, nor have I ever been, in love.
I long for it, I hunt for it, and I wish on every falling star that I'll someday find someone who can make me shake and shiver the way other people do when I'm around. That would be SO incredible! To feel that wonder, that mystery, that rush of terror that makes me wonder if I had a chance in hell of ever making it work. But even the ones who capture my eye, basically turn out to be another form of ritual masturbation. Another cute boy that would be happy to 'service' me whenever I ask him to, like some unemotional rubber blow up doll. That's NOT what I want. There's no love in that. There's no guessing games, or subtle hints, or whispered words. Where's the emotion? It's gotten too easy to get sex. EVERYONE wants sex, and they don't have to be intelligent or particularly sweet to get it. It's just a penis attached to another cute face. This isn't emotion, this is picking up a prostitute without having to pay a fee. Nothing more. Take Joey here, for example. He's one of the sexiest stars on the high school track team. I thought he was cute, and my first instincts told me that it would be awesome to be with him. My hormones seem to intensify that feeling by 50%, and it might make me a little nervous at first, but it's not quite love, just lust mixed with instant infatuation. A HOPE for something miraculous. I didn't know anything about him when I met him in the library that one afternoon. Actually it was Joey who approached me for the first time. We had only been talking for about a half hour, and he was a cool kid and all, just not awe inspiring. Nothing about him really made me desire anything more than his body. Nothing made me smile. Nothing intrigued me, or even gave me the slightest reason to want to be close to him. And it sucked. Then he began to drop little hints, about video games that he had, and movies he had collected on tape, and what his basement looked like. Evidently he had taken notes from one of those internet teen love stories where you mention that you have a unique bottle of aspirin or something at home, and the other kid perks up and says, "Really? Wow! Maybe I can come over and see it while your parents are both out of town on a fishing trip in the Bahamas for the next six weeks." And the next thing you know they're kissing and grinding on each other and falling in love. Somehow, I didn't see that happening with us...the 'love' part that is. But I was horny at the time, and he was looking so damn fine at the moment, so I played along with the game. We went back to his house, he got a bit lovey dovey, in an awkward way, and I got exactly what I expected to get...another cute closeted teenage homosexual who is basically just tired of jacking off alone and wants someone else to do it for him. Sure, after the first time, we decided to say 'I love you' to each other, and have gotten together a few other times for sex. But that's all it was. Don't get me wrong...it felt GOOD. Actually, it felt AWESOME! He did things with his mouth and tongue that drove me wild. I didn't think that a mouth could get that wet. That hot. That skilled when it came to sucking and massaging my hardness until I was breathless with the physical sensations he inspired inside of me. But, honestly, how long could sex last for us? Ten minutes? Maybe fifteen with foreplay? And when it was finished, there I was laying next to someone that I had absolutely nothing in common with. Nothing to make me want to know more about him. Nothing to talk about, except how great it was, when we could get together to do it again, and the casually rehearsed 'I love you' when we were done. It may sound selfish, but I wanted more. Just once I wish I could say those three words, 'I-love-you', and actually mean it with all my heart. To have it uncontrolably burst forth from my lips in a fit of unbelievable joy every five minutes, instead of saying it as a common courtesy to my 'partner.'
My name is Russ, but they used to call me 'Goldie' when I was younger because of my light blond hair. It's grown a bit darker these days, and, what can I say, I outgrew the title. I try to keep my hair cut short because I have somewhat feminine features, and when I had it shoulder length, people had trouble telling if I was a boy or a girl from far away when I was younger. I don't think they knew whether to hit on me or not. Hell, for some of the guys in this school, they'd probably think I was cute either way. In the gym locker rooms, while I'm getting dressed, even the straight jocks look over at my sleek teenage frame and try not to stare. A couple of the bold ones might make jokes about me 'looking so sweet' and being a 'nice piece of ass' for a guy, but most shy away from even thinking it. I often wondered how many of them would actually go through with it. If they would just 'experiment' with the idea of making good on their comments to me. Some of them just say it to find some weird sense of security in their manhood, but I know they look, and it's uncomfortable sometimes. It always has been for me.
At 15 years of age, I've had sex a total of 18 times with five different people. And you know what? Once the whole mystery and initial wonder of sex is gone...it really is highly overrated. It doesn't take long to realize that after the first few times. That's when you begin to search for something more than just a warm body to snuggle with. You go looking for something that can change, that can grow, that can surprise you once in a while and make you feel whole and complete inside. Basically...something that has the ability to make you feel good for longer than 'fifteen minutes with foreplay'. And as cute as he was, and a nice guy to boot, Joey was not it.
I felt my orgasm approaching as Joey did that thing with his fingertips on my stomach, tickling me gently under my ribs. His tongue was wet and warm, swirling in slow erotic circles around my tip as he bobbed up and down slowly. He moaned softly as he seemed to be enjoying it even more than I was. He was salivating so much, overwhelmed by the feeling he got from getting to sexually please the boy of his dreams, and the vibrations from his soft purring send a wave of pleasure down to the base of my root, and tingling sensations to my thighs. I let out a soft breath, and wriggled a little under his movements. The tip of my shaft was soooo sensitive that it almost hurt, but in that good way. He carressed my balls with an angel's touch, and I spread my legs as far apart as they would go, giving him full access to my body. God, he was good. He looked up into my eyes and when he saw me looking back, he nearly had an orgasm without even touching himself. He whimpered lustfully and began to work on me double time. Sigh, he must think I'm so beautiful. I feel bad for not seeing that same level of beauty in him. I began to tense up a little bit, trying to enjoy the feeling as much as possible so that I could justify the time he put into an expert blowjob. But the moment of truth was here, and I felt the shivers and quakes rush throughout my entire body like white lightning. I came hard into his sucking mouth, and Joey swallowed it like a good little soldier. He didn't seem to want to stop, and nursed at my organ until it went soft and fell from between those beautiful pursed lips of his. He crawled up the bed, kissing my stomach and chest softly all the way, to kiss me on the lips, and I did all that I could to try to give in to what he was feeling. To maybe have it rub off on me so that I could feel it too. But no matter how passionately I kissed him, no matter how close I held him against me, squeezing lustfully at those full sexy round cheeks until they 'blushed' beneath my fingertips...my heart just wasn't excited about it. At least not as excited as it could have been with someon else. I wasn't making love, I was getting off. And whether he knew it or not, so was he. He didn't really know me at all. And he didn't care to. I guess it's hard to distinguish between hormones and emotions sometimes. Once our lips parted from one another, Joey leaned back and sighed outloud to himself, dreamily looking up at the ceiling. He was beyond happy, but where was my satisfaction, my fulfillment? Once I had my orgasm, all the affection that I had for this gorgeous kid was gone. And it wouldn't be back for at least another fifteen minutes or so when I was ready to go at it again. The feeling left me so quickly. In the few minutes it took me to come down from my blissful high, I had already begun thinking of excuses as to why he should leave. I mean, why would he stay? We didn't have anything to say to each other really. We couldn't talk, we couldn't relate to one another, and I certainlty couldn't lean on his shoulder for my problems. So what good was he? I mean, it simply isn't in my nature to be cruel, but what did he have to offer me? Maybe I was the one who was being shallow. He was cute. So physically, he was adorable and lovable and blah blah blah. But mentally, spiritually, emotionally, we were completely incompatible. I would settle for someone with three eyes and a hump in his back, if only he could be 'cool'. You know? Somebody I could talk to and laugh with. Someone who would be there when I'm feeling down. Someone who would be happy to hold me and cuddle me because of who I am....NOT just because I'm pretty to look at. If I could only scrape this 'pretty' face off of my skull and have people treat me like a PERSON once in a while, I might have a shot at being happy. Don't they understand? I don't WANT to be some teeny bopper pin up doll. I don't want them to tell me I'm cute, or beautiful, or have a pretty this or pretty those or a pretty that. That makes me nervous. I just want them to talk to me like I actually have something to say. I don't want a lot of people to just fall in love, or become infatuated, or lust after me while I'm trying to talk to them about something that's important to me. I simply can't love everybody who claims to feel that way about me. It just isn't possible. Believe me, I WANT to find the real thing, but it doesn't seem to want to be found. I can GET sex! Sex is easy. But love? Love is something that seems to always be out of my reach.
I don't get it. I'm sure that most people look at me and just figure 'Oh, he's extremely cute. He can get anybody he wants. All he has to do is smile, and they'll fall into his arms.' It's like other people never expect me to get nervous in the presence of someone I really like. They never expect me to feel insecure the same way that they do. As though my reputation and image don't matter to me as much because they see me as someone who's 'got it made' on looks alone. HELLO? I have a life too! I get just as bashful and weird as anybody else. Why can't they ever see that? Why don't they understand? Love is just as scary for me as it is for other people. But I want to find out for myself. The problem is...I just don't 'feel' it for anyone. Am I 'broken' or something? I can't control it, and I don't want to pretend that the emotion is there. I want it to be real. I've never felt the same things that I read about. The beautiful things that they show in the movies. THAT'S what I want. Someone to fall asleep next to. Someone who will make me feel invinceable and special and wanted. Someone who will make me walk around in a daze, with a goofy smile on my face, never knowing whether I'm coming or going. It may sound weird, but I want to be lost in something that I don't even understand. Sex I understand, but I know that there's more out there for me. Believe it or not, I don't even feel 'sexy' anymore. I feel used. I'm the piece of eye candy that people chase after and dream about, mentally making me into this perfect person and molding me into the image that they want me to be. A jack off fantasy in the flesh. They see me as some great physical conquest, someone to brag to their friends about, someone to fulfill their deepest desires with. Then, once they're done with me, they go looking for somebody they can really be 'happy' with. Someone that they see as being more than a pretty face. The person that I could be if they ever bothered to look past it. Geez...thanks for giving me a chance.
"Mmmmm...I love you Russ. I really do." Joey said, as he licked his lips and lay his head on my chest. I had almost forgotten that he was down there while being lost in my thoughtful state.
"Sigh...I love you too, man." What? The kid just sucked me off. What was I supposed to say? It's not that I hated him, or didn't care for him, but Joey wasn't what I thought he would be. He wasn't as sweet and as sensitive and as funny as I had pictured him to be in my mind. Like I said, maybe I was the shallow one. Because there were so many people that I felt closer to, and just never approached them because they physically weren't my 'type'. Because I was too damn stupid to know how much we could have had together. And now they're just gone. Vanished. Opportunities lost. Happiness that I threw away because they weren't pretty enough, or thin enough, or the right height, or because they didn't fit the image of the perfect boyfriend. You know, the guys that the teen magazines tell you are super beautiful? Those are the best ones to have...right? Whatever. I miss my best friends. The people who actually made a difference in my life. The ones who weren't afraid to tell me when I looked stupid or that I was being a jerk. People who would laugh at me if I slipped on some ice. People who knew my heart and soul and could actually help me to feel better when I was down. I miss those people. At least I could depend on them for more than a quick blowjob and a pre-rehearsed 'I love you'. In the end, those are the people I would rather spend the rest of my life with. Screw a pretty boy, I want something that's going to bring me a constant adrenaline rush! Something that's going to change my perspective of everything that I've ever known. Something that a pretty boy can't concentrate on while being obsessed with his perfect hair and cleaning the lint out of his nails.
"I've gotta go, baby. But I'll try to come back over soon, k pumpkin? God I love you! I just can't stop saying it! I love you! You are just so hot!" Joey grinned, pulling up his pants and kissing me hard on the lips. Ouch...take it easy there cassanova, lips DO bruise, you know? Then he winked at me, giving me a cheesy thumbs up, and left. A part of me wanted to love him, but it would be no use trying to force it. In the end, the only joy I would be able to get out of it was the pleasure of knowing that he was endlessly happy when he was with me. The fact that I could so easily make him smile the way he did. He had gained confidence, self esteem, self respect, and it made him feel like he was on top of the world. It made him feel like the luckiest boy in the world to be rubbing his smooth naked body against the boy that everybody wanted. Unfortunately, the pleasure was all his. And I still felt empty when the sex was over.
The very next day, I went to school feeling a little more down than usual. I can't explain why really. It was just this feeling of being...a 'robot' in a sense. Just moving through my day with no real feeling or ambition at all. Doing what I do, for the simple reason that it's what I'm supposed to do. I ran into Joey once or twice in the halls, and his whole face brightened up each time, coming over to be close to me and gazing deeply into my eyes as he spoke. He looked like he was ready to kiss me more and more with every sentence, and I still felt guilty for not feeling the same level of excitement in my heart. As he rambled on, I kept looking for something in his conversation that I could fall in love with. But....nothing. He was just...Joey. He was gorgeous, INCREDIBLY gorgeous, and that was the beginning and the end of it. He was hollow inside as far as I was concerned. Evidently expecting his looks to carry him the way people expect them to do for me. There had to be more. Otherwise, he was just a pretty gift wrapping over an empty box, and that's not going to cut it. So why was I silently wishing to find more inside of him? Why was I TRYING so hard? Trying to 'make' him into the person I wanted him to be. Why can't I just find someone who will surprise me? Maybe I can. Maybe I will. And maybe...they'll already have somebody else in their lives. Still, I would prefer to pine away for someone I can't have, then screw somebody I don't love. No matter HOW good the sex feels...it doesn't compare to something real.
I turned a corner in the hallway, with Joey continuously yapping at my side, and we suddenly found ourselves knee deep in a big group of freshmen coming from lunch. They were everywhere, scampering frantically in every direction like a giant swarm of bees. We tried to manuever a bit through the hall, but there was no dodging them all, and I was bumping into half of them while moving against the current. Then, just as we had almost reached the end of the hall, Joey practically knocked one of them down, sending the kid's armfull of books spilling over onto the floor. "Watch it fucker!" Joey scolded, ready to keep walking.
"Joey! Geez dude, have a heart, will ya?" I said, getting down on one knee to help the poor kid with his stuff before it got trampled. How he was holding so much in his hands at once was a miracle to begin with.
"Yeah...I...I was just fooling around kid. Here, let me help you with these." Joey changed his mind on a dime and got down to help me pick up the kid's stuff. Not because he was a nice guy, but because he would do anything to look good in my eyes. As though I could be fooled so easily.
"Thanks. I'm sorry. I just worry about being late, you know? I'll look where I'm going from now on." the kid said with a nervous smile. The freshman skillfully stacked the books back into his arms and balanced them as he rose to his feet again.
"Hey, accidents happen. We're sorry about that." I said.
Joey chimed in with, "VERY sorry." Which made me secretly roll my eyes.
"Um...thanks." He said, basically giving Joey the same crazy look that I would have. "The day that I can get that damn gravity to stop working, I'll be just fine." He grinned. He was a sweet looking kid, with really light brown hair and pretty green eyes. And a cute little turned up nose that just brought this little boyish appeal to his face. There wasn't anything really gorgeous about him, if anything, he was kinda plain. Not in a bad way, just normal. Ordinary. Not dressed up in fancy name brand clothes or possessed by 'N'Sync-Wannabe' syndrome like so many of the others. I guess you can say that he stood out by not trying to stand out. It was weird.
"Actually concerned about getting to class on time? MUST be a freshman." I smiled.
"Hehehe, yeah, I know. It's just a habit, I s'pose."
"So what's your name?"
"Oh...sorry. I'm...ugh..I'm Colin." He said, trying to juggle his books and shift around to reach out a hand for me to shake.
"Don't worry about it dude. You've got your hands full. I'm Russ."
"Kewl. And you are?" He said, turning to Joey and extending the same greeting.
"Huh?" Oh great, was Joey even paying attention anymore?
Colin put his hand back on his armload and gave Joey a silly look that almost made me laugh. "Okaaaay...well whatever." It's nice to know that I wasn't the only one who saw a few obvious faults with my...boyfriend. Oh man, it seemed like poison to even think of him and use that word at the same time. "It was nice meeting you guys."
"You too, Colin. Say, are you sure you don't need any help with those?" I asked.
"Nah, I'm cool. Really. Thanks. I've gotta run." He said, a little smile spreading across his thin lips, and he started to speed off to his next class.
"You know, you should try a backpack one of these days! They're pretty good at holding stuff, you know?" I shouted after him.
"Nah...too easy!" He smiled as he kept walking. "Makes me look like a klutz!" I thought about it for a second and grinned a little to myself. For a freshman, he seemed to take the whole thing rather well. Most of them would have either exploded into instant attitude, or had a nervous breakdown, grovelling at the feet of an upperclassman. It actually made me smile to know that they all weren't so predictable.
"I should get to class too. Listen, I wrote this for you. Read it when you get a chance, ok? I hope you like it." Joey said, handing me a piece of paper folded into triangles. What are we, 5th graders?
"Yeah, thanks. I'll see you later." I said.
"I'll see YOU later! Like all of you. If you know what I mean." And he gave me this goofy grin, mouthing the words 'I love you'. Just then, some guy and his girlfriend walked by and gave us both a weird look. Great. I think his 'puppy love' just pissed on my rug.
I opened the piece of paper he gave me. It said, and I quote, "...I love you a whole bunch. Love Joey." Yeah...that's clever. It's a good thing I read it right away. The suspense of waiting for such a profound message might have been too much for me to take. And that's exactly the kind of sarcasm that ran through me as I tossed it in the trashcan next to me. I swear, me and Joey will have to have a 'talk' sometime soon.
I made it through another day and decided to stop by the local hang out around the corner to get one of their famous milkshakes. Expertly blended, served in a chilled ice cream glass, with all the trimmings, two straws. It was Heaven in the form of an ice cream treat. I walked in and already knew what I had a taste for. But they must have had a new girl working behind the counter that day, because she was fumbling around something awful with the order for the people in front of me. I finally moved up to the front of the line to order, and she stopped completely. I ordered my shake, but I think she was a bit too distracted to let my words register in her mind. I didn't recognize her infatuated stare yet, and reached into my pocket for some cash. I was already counting my money out when I realized that she wasn't even moving. I looked up, and she was staring at me like I had a third eye. "Um...a vanilla milkshake...please?" I said softly for the second time.
"Oh...yeah. Um...what flavor..would you like sir?" She said nervously.
"OH! Yeah, sorry...hehehe." She giggled to herself, blushing furiously, her fingers trembling as she hit the cash register buttons. I moved away from the counter and leaned against a nearby wall while she made my shake. I couldn't help but notice her sneaking glances over at me the whole time. Well...I'm sure in HER mind she was sneaking glances, but she was actually staring a burning hole right through me. I started to get nervous myself, and just pretended not to notice. I could feel her eyes on me, and I kept my gaze down to the floor, afrad that eye contact would inspire her to say something to me. I'm not exactly sure what it is that makes me so shy about things like that, but whatever it is...it sucks. Please, oh please, don't flirt with me. That's just gonna make me feel weird and awkward and rude and uncomfortable. I don't need to go through that right now, I just want a shake. "Your shake should be ready soon." She said, basically trying to find a reason to make conversation.
"Thanks...no hurry, though." I said just above a whisper. She smiled at me, and I looked away before she said anything else. Don't look, Russ...just don't look at her. I was silently praying for another customer to walk in so that she could be distracted somehow. I felt like I was being sized up to be devoured alive or something. I looked back quickly to see if she was still watching, and she smiled at me again. I just nodded a bit and waited impatiently for her to finish my shake so I could take it to some dark corner of the place and pretend to be too involved with my homework to look up again. You know, if I were straight, I might be able to use my good looks for 'evil'. Why was she still STARING at me??? She doesn't even know me, and she's acting like she's in love already! Arrrgh!!! Next time I come in, I'm wearing a stocking mask!
"Hi! Russ, right?" I heard from one of the tables. I turned around, and there was Colin, sitting with some freshman girl and splitting a plateful of chilli cheese fries. He had that same elf-like grin on his face, and the same bright twinkle in his green specs. There was something about his smile that just made you feel good.
"Colin? Hey bud! You caught me by surprise. I see you've already found out where the cool kids come to play." I said, and he excused himself from his friend to come talk to me.
"Yeah well, I used my best 'cool kid' disguise to get in. So don't blow my cover." He replied. It was a relief to have a reason to avoid the teenage flirt machine behind the counter. Especially since it was for somebody so friendly after only one encounter. "Actually, I overheard some people talking about this place in the hall, and I figured I'd check it out. Not bad. Good chilli fries." His eyes were just a reflection of how sweet this kid's personality was. He felt like a kid brother already.
"Well if you really don't want your cover blown, you should try one of these milkshakes. You can't be a cool kid without one."
"Are they really that good? I mean, they're like $3.50 and that's a bit much for a shake."
"I'll tell you what, I'll let you taste mine. And if you're not completely blown away, I'll buy you whatever you want from the menu. Provided I have the cash for it. Deal?" I said, and his face lit up a bit.
"You're on." He said, his voice that delightful pitch of a happy teenage boy. The sound of it was so expressive, so carefree when you heard it. It had energy behind every word, and that energy was laced with a sweetness that was downright irresistable.
Finally, the girl brought my milkshake over to the counter. I gave her the money, but she said, "It's...it's free." And she smiled, turnng red in the cheeks.
"Oh...I couldn't...I couldn't do that."
"No, really...it's fine. Ok? I hope you like it." Now I was the one blushing. And I whispered a thank you and moved away from her. But I at least smiled to thank her. I should be flattered, but all I felt was...uncomfortable. Sigh, I've really gotta stop being such a dork about these kinds of things. That was nice of her. She's still not getting my number or anyhing, but it was nice.
I gave Colin one of the straws and he dipped it into the vanilla shake, taking a healthy sip. I looked on anxiously, waiting to see his reaction. Then he tasted it, and with a straight face he said, "Eh...it's ok."
I was amazed. Almost hurt by the idea of him not doing backflips over this shake like I was the first time I tasted one. "OK??? Are you KIDDING me?"
"What? It's ok. It's cool. Very good...just...you know...it's not like the best I've ever had." He said, shrugging his shoulders and handing the glass back to me.
"Unbelievable. You'd be the first person in history to ever say THAT. Alright, well...a deal's a deal. What do you want off of the menu? At least the shake was free, so I've got some extra loot." I said, hoping that he wouldn't be too harsh in making me keep up my end of the bargain.
"Hmmm...well...a vanilla shake sounds good. I'll get that." He tried to keep a straight face, but he broke out into a small fit of giggles uncontrollably.
I looked at him with a half smile, half surprised look on my face, before mumbling, "Hehehe! Cheater!"
"Hehehe, you looked so hurt. Geez, it's just a shake." He laughed.
"It's THE shake, and I actually thought you were serious." I said, and then repeated, "...Cheater."
I went back up and asked for another shake, and since I was still holding the first one, the girl at the counter took this as a sign. It took me another 7 minutes of question dodging and batting away her flirtatious comments before I could get away with my shake. She got my name and not much else. Although she kept dropping hints that she was going to the school soccer game this weekend, and I kinda told her that I MIGHT meet her there. It was the only way for me to gnaw my lef off and get away from her before I ended up dragging her home with me against my will. Mental note, avoid even walking PAST the soccer game this weekend!
I set the shake down in front of Colin, two straws, and told him to enjoy it. But as I started off to sit somewhere else, the girl at the table stopped me. "Hey, why don't you sit with us?"
I looked over at Colin and he said, "Sure, we've got room for one more. Have some fries if you want."
The two of them exchanged a look or two, and I asked, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, come on, sit." She scooted over and brushed off the set for me. I sat down and they exchanged another hidden look. Then Colin giggled a little, a slight pinkish color coming to his face, and she tried to keep from smiling by taking a drink of water.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing." Colin smiled, his eyes going down to the plate of fries as he played with one of them in the cutest way.
"We were just discussing something earlier, that's all." The girl said.
"Shut up!" Colin kept his smile up, and then said, "Oh...I'm sorry. This is Missy. Missy, this is Russ."
"Hi Missy." I said.
"Glad to meet you. We're both glad." And her face winced a bit as a sharp kick hit her square in the shin from under the table. "Ow! Hehehe, jerk! What did I say?"
Colin looked a bit more serious this time, and she stopped after that. But I've seen this kind of stuff happen before, and it made me wonder if she thought I was cute or something. Or maybe...he did. It made blush just as much as they did, but I giggled right along with them. We spent the next hour or so just chit chatting away. Even though it took Colin a few minutes of 'adjustment' before he got brave enough to speak normally again without grinning, he turned out to be even cooler than I expected. He was wildly funny and witty, his mind was working at a mile a minute. He loved music and movies and just had this ability to keep a conversation going on and on forever. His friend Missy was practically a mirror image of him, and I can see why they would hang out together so much. They must have known one another since kindergarten. Nobody forms a friendship that close overnight. They were practically brother and sister. And by the time we were ready to head home, I was thinking about him differently.
What if? What if he could possibly be gay, and he likes me? I mean...this isn't like the other times, where he was just cute and I wanted his body. I mean...I did...but this was different. I actually wanted to take him home and TALK to him! Hehehe! Just keep him right in the next room so that I could have him come over in the middle of the night and chit chat until the sun came up. If he hadn't kept me laughing, I probably would have spent the whole hour just staring at him. I thought of him as 'plain' before, but his personality brought this delicate shine to him that put him in a whole new category. He just radiated this pleasant vibe that was so damn attractive, so confusingly beautiful. It made his green eyes glow, it made his smile more seductive, it made his hair soft as silk, it made his skin smooth and tight. He became a heartthrob the likes that I have never seen right before my eyes. He was interesting, he was bright and fun and cheerful. I never knew what he was going to say next, and I was glued to him just to find out. Colin captivated me with a charm that couldn't be seen on the surface. You actually had to 'talk' to him, you actually had to 'experience' his beauty from all angles. And that stayed with me for so much longer. Oh wow...what if he likes me? What if I'm as appealing to him as he is to me? Oh that would be TOO cool!
When we got up to leave, I saw Missy nudge Colin out of the corner of my eye. A nudge that he returned with twice as much force. "So...I'll see you guys tomorrow?" I asked, ignoring their little game.
"Yeah...sure.." Colin replied.
"Sounds like a date to me. Say, Colin...why don't you walk Russ HOME...and I'll see you later?" Missy said. Oh my God...ok, this was just...obvious at this point. Omigod, omigod...he likes me. He HAS to! And she KNOWS he does!
"Missy...geez..." He blushed, almost angry at being so embarassed.
My heart was beating fast enough to break some kind of record. Oh wow, he's so cute! Sooo cute! What do I do? What do I say? Ok..ok...I'll just, I'll offer to show him my room. That's it! He'll walk me home, and I'll offer to show him my room, and then I'll sit next to him on the bed or something. And then...um...I'll kiss him. I'll kiss him right on those delicate lips of his, and I'll make out with him until he just can't take anymore. It will be so cool, so special. Oh God I can't WAIT! He is going to feel sooooo good in my arms. "I'd like that." I said, and the decision was made. He was walking me home.
Missy went her own way, and we all said our goodbyes. But as we started walking, Colin clammed up again. He wasn't being 'anti-social' by any means, but he didn't answer any questions that weren't asked. He was holding back, as though he were suddenly self conscious of everything that he said and did at that moment. And it was STILL cute! I tried to get him to relax a bit. "So...you and Missy are pretty close, huh?"
"Yeah, we've been friends since 6th grade. We tell each other everything, pretty much."
"That's cool, that you guys are so close."
"Yeah..." Then he thought about it a second and said, "...but she's NOT like...my girlfriend or anything. She's just a friend."
"Hehehe, I wasn't implying that she was."
"I know...I just, wanted to make that clear." He was so adorable that I just wanted to squeeze him right then and there. Thank God for self-restraint. Then he asked, in the cutest way possible, "So...do you have a girlfriend? If I may ask."
Oh sweet! This is just too cool! "Um...no. Never had one, actually." I said, trying to give him all the hints he needed to make a move. Please do...I'm waiting on it. Being with him would be pure bliss. The equivalent of everything that I've been looking for in life! Just ask me! ASK me!
"Oh...cool." He said, and we kept up a simple everyday conversation all the way until we got to my house. It looked like he was trembling at that point, but he wouldn't say it. And what's worse...I actually began to tremble myself. The moment of truth was here, and I wanted to do something about it. I was nervous...actually NERVOUS! Wow, it felt wonderful! The jitters, the tension. I CARED what he thought about the whole thing, and in just one day, he made me realize a little bit of what I had been missing out on all this time. I gently bit my bottom lip, and we stood out in front of my house for another ten minutes talking. Neither one of us wanting to say goodbye. Then, when the butterflies in my stomach were too excited to be contained a moment longer, I asked him, "So...you want to come in? Just for a few minutes or something?"
The look on Colin's face changed completely. I couldn't tell if it was fear or worry or just and inquisitve look that he gave me, but it was a huge 180 degree turn from the comfortability that we had just a minute ago. "You know....I've actually...I've gotta get home." He said shyly.
"No, really. I don't mind. I can show you my room or something, it'll be fun."
But Colin was way too nervous to take me up on my offer. "Um...th-th-that's ok. Honestly. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll...thanks...this was fun."
No...don't walk away! Not yet. Argh! Think of something! I walked up to him and gave him a hug. A long, tight, hug. And I said, almost in a whisper, "Are you sure? I'd really love for you to come in. Just for a little bit." I put as much sex into my voice as I could without being too slutty about it. But...unfortunately, he either didn't get it, didn't want it, or was just too afraid to accept it.
"I....I can't. I'll see you later Russ, k? Promise." He said, backing away from me.
"Um...ok. Later! Maybe next time?" I said, trying to keep up with him as he walked away.
"Maybe. Seeya!" He walked even faster, and I decided that I was either going to chase him down the street at top speed, or let him go. I let him go.
I walked into my house, closing the door behind me, and went straight to my room. I leaned up against my bedroom door, closed my eyes, and let out one of the most passionate sighs that I have ever released. A smile spread accross my face, and I was enveloped in this warm feeling of infatuation. Wow...WOW! Whether my eyes were opened or closed, I still could see his smile in my mind. I could still hear his voice. I could steel feel his aura sending this thermal heat throughout my entire body. Mmmmm...I WISH he had come in. I wish he could have said something. That *I* could have said something. Imagine if I were to actually be able to kiss him. To just lean in, and let my lips touch his. That would be magic. That would be sooooo beautiful. God, I wanted to know everything about him. His likes, his dislikes, his hobbies, his fears, his problems, his achievements, his faults. I wanted to drink him in and just have him open himself to me completely. I wanted to drench him in more love and sex that he could possibly handle. He made me feel like more than just a pretty face...he made me feel beautiful on the inside. He noticed ME, not just my looks. If he's gay, if he likes me, then I'm going to have him. I HAVE to have him!
I was able to open my dreamy eyes long enough to wander over to my bed, and I laid on my back, just trying to imagine what a kiss from that wonderful boy would feel like. What his weight would feel like being pressed down gently on my chest. What his tongue would taste like, pulsating against mine as we french kissed erotically for hours on end. It was like I could 'feel' him there with me. And this was only the FIRST day! THIS is it! THIS is what I want! Geez, I'm sooo lost and I LOVE it!
Just then, the phone rang, and I was almost so enamored with the thought of Colin that I was too weak to get up to answer it. But I did, and it was Joey. "Hey cutie! What are you doing right now?"
Joey was walking a thin line at that moment. Not quite special enough to break the dreamy moment that I was having, not quite annoying enough to keep me from thinking about how horny I was at the time. Joey was a 'replacement', and I knew that, but the felings inside of me were screaming. Screaming for affection. Screaming to be sexually satisfied. And even though it was Colin's charm and grace that brought it on, Joey was going to be a beautiful substitute for the time being. "Nothing baby. Nothing at all." I said. And after a few more exchanged words, he was on his way over. Maybe it was wrong, maybe it was a lie, but it was either that, or masturbation. And Joey's lips were much better than masturbation any day.
I kissed him the moment he entered the house, breaking only to lift the shirt over his head. He was gorgeous! Beyond a great deal of people that I had ever known. His skin was like velvet, long swimmer's muscles pocketed in all the right places. Joey's ass was a delight in itself, bouncing gleefully despite it's tight bubbled surface. His legs and thighs were like ice, smooth and cool, frictionless with the slightest dusting of silky fine hairs. The taste of him was incredible. By the time we were both completely naked, my head was spinning. He would gasp as I removed my clothes...every time. He loved my body, he loved my skin, he loved my eyes, my lips, my hair...he loved everything about me to the point where it hurt him to look and hurt him to look away. My kiss would make him whimper with sexual desperation, his lips trembling with the explosive sensations travelling through his body. He could hardly contain himself. The entire encounter was one long orgasm for him. He wasn't Colin, not by a long shot, but my memories and my longing for him, made me put forth more of an effort. It finally gave me the passion to enjoy Joey to his fullest potential. It allowed me to return the feelings that overwhelmed his soft slim teen body. We writhed around in the nude for what seemed like forever, and his moans let me know that he noticed the difference in the amount of sensual joy that I was giving him this time around. Sex never felt so good. So alive. So free.
I closed my eyes and pictured Colin in Joey's place, wrapping my legs around him tightly and pulling him up against me. I imagined that it was Colin kissing and sucking at my neck. That it was Colin lowering his kisses down y chest, only to let his tongue tickle the sensitive belly button area before going further south. I saw Colin take my throbbing hardness into his mouth in my mind's eye, and take me all the way to the base. Ohhh God...mmmm....I can't old out much longer. I felt our warm bodies slide seductively into a 69 position and I kept my eyes closed as I fulfilled the ultimate wet dream by virtually transforming Joey into a boy that I could love...not just fuck. The pressure in my loins was unbearable, and I came faster and harder than I ever had before, my legs clasping tightly to Joey's head as I squirmed and spasmed helplessly. I was lost in my thoughts, and Colin possessed them all! Joey's legs tangled up around my head, and I knew he was close. I sucked harder, and harder, and faster, my tongue sliding up and down his shaft. The texture of it driving him wild. And I thought to myself..."I want you Colin. I need you Colin. I...I...I LOVE you Colin!!!" I couldn't stop. It was like I was possessed. Joey's clean flavor filled my mouth and when he began to squirt, I lapped at it hungrily. Oh God, oh God...Colin? Mmmmm....Colin. I kept imagining him the whole time. His face slightly screwed up in the throws of passion, his little turned up nose wiggling back and forth, his cute little ass tight and tensing up hard so as to force the shots deeper into my throat. I was almost blinded by the powerful orgasm that took me over, and we were breathless when we were finished. It was possibly the best sex that I had ever had...and I wasted it on Joey.
I felt Joey finally let my softening member slip out of his steamy mouth, and crawl up the bed to kiss me on the lips again. "Mmmmm...I love you Russ. I really do." Joey said, as he licked his lips and lay his head on my chest.
"Sigh...I love you too, man." What? The kid just sucked me off. What was I supposed to say? It was the same thing all over again. And when the sex was over...he was just Joey. Sigh...if it had been Colin in my arms, I would be happy. Actually happy. And laughing. And talking. And kissing. Is it even possible that I miss him already? Or is it just that he's a sexual conquest that I haven't won yet? I don't even know WHAT I'm feeling right now. All I know is that the person layng next to me, panting and caressing my testicles softly with his hand while kissing my neck, isn't supposed to be there. There was someone out there who deserved this spot a lot more, and he didn't even want to come in. I don't know if I should respect that, or be afraid that I've got it all wrong. All I know is that I finally have proof that there IS something more than the typical teen bubble butt, and now it has a name. Colin. Something tells me that I'm not going to look at love the same way. Not for a long long time.