I suppose I could have followed him through the halls that day. I suppose I could have waited for him outside after school. Who knows? But there was was this tiny bolt of lightning inside of me, this razor sharp dagger of doubt sticking out of my chest, that kept me from persuing the issue at all that day. Something made me freeze up, and scared me away from finding out what I could have done to make Colin change his mood around me all so suddenly. Everything was going great, what happened?
That night, I remember tossing and turning in bed, doing everything that I could to memorize every single word and action that had taken place the day before. From the conversations in the hallway, to the walk after school, to the library, to the tickle fight at the bus stop. I retraced my every step, trying my best to pick myself apart to find out what I did wrong. Maybe I touched him in an uncomfortable way. Maybe I said something that offended him or hurt his feelings. Maybe I flirted too much. I shouldn't have flirted so damn much! No wonder he's scared of me. Maybe I should just slow down a bit. You know...back off a little. I could try. I mean, he doesn't really know me all that well, and he's new to school, and I HAVE been kinda 'stalking' him lately. I guess it would be unfair to make him suffer or crowd him just because I'm falling in love. Just because...no other boy has ever made me so hungry to be with them before. Just because the light in a single one of his smiles makes the sun itself look dull and uninteresting in comparison. Sigh...yeah...it's not his fault that I've become a slave to his very existence in my life.
I have NO clue how I'm going to 'program' myself to leave him alone. I can already rule out the possibility of 'not thinking about him' all day long. That would be literally impossible. He's as much a part of me as the breaths I take to stay alive. And I can rule out trying to shut off my affections. Because they've already surfaced, and they are quite possibly the most beautiful and addictive feelings that I've ever experienced in my life. The kind of feelings that tell you, "Hey! Guess what? Remember what you thought love was all about? Well you don't know shit! How do ya like THEM apples?" So that's pretty much out of the question. My answer...to just hang back and hopefully get enough space between me and him to slow things down. Maybe then he'll think it's safe after a while and I can try again later. But there's no way I'm ever going to get a chance to talk to Colin with him shutting everything down on me whenever I try to get closer to him. I'll just have to let him come to me. It'll be harder than a 50 year old chain smoker giving up cigarettes cold turkey...but I'll give it a shot.
I'd be surprised if I made it through the day.
Torture is what it is. To have your mind and your heart compete for attention when it's a matter of whether to think about him or not. With every neurotic tap of my pencil on my desk in class, with every heartbroken sigh, with every quiet moment away from my concentraed focus on tedious schoolwork...I was haunted with more thoughts of Colin and how badly I wanted to hold him close to me. The more I pushed it out of my mind, the harder it pushed back. The more I pressed down on the feelings inside, the more they pushed their way back to the surface. There were times when I found myself uncomfortably shifting in my seat to keep my affections from taking over. What the hell was this kid DOING to me?
Well...that was ONE class down! Only seven more and a lunch period to go. Arrrrgh! What the hell did I do wrong? Couldn't he at least TELL me? How is this fair? All I did was basically give him a few hints to let him know that he doesn't have to be scared of me...you know...in case he wanted to make a 'move' or something. It's not like I grabbed two handfuls of his ass and asked him to put on a leather 'gimp' costume! I just...I just want...I want him to notice me. I want him to know that he can have me...if he wants to. I dunno...maybe he doesn't. I mean, geez, he might be straight as an arrow for all I know. I've been so spoiled by having boys like Joey throw themselves at my feet that I'm not sure what to do when it comes to being...rejected. I never had to do much more than smile or gently touch their arm or just invite them inside. WHY DIDN'T COLIN WANT TO COME INSIDE??? That first day would have been perfect. Now I'm stuck playing this STUPID game that I don't want to play and I HATE it!!! I'm so frustrated and angry and confused and........and I've never felt better about it.
Sigh...it's true. It's like a dog chasing his tail, knowing that he'll never catch it, but having a load of fun spinning in circles anyway. All this time I've been whining about finding love...I guess this is a big part of it. The longing. The miserable sensation. The doubt. The fear. And the unbelievable joy of knowing that every MINUTE of it is more than worth it. Still...that aside...if I don't see Colin's smile again soon I'm going to start experiencing some heavy withdrawal symptons for certain. "Hi lover..." Came a loud whisper in my ear from behind.
"Joey...hey..." I said. He was bouncing around me again, clueless. Totally clueless.
"Did you get that stuff done yesterday?" He asked.
"Remember? After school? You said you were going out to..."
"Oh, yeah yeah yeah...I got it. Thanks." I said, my eyes looking over his shoulder to see if I could see Colin somewhere in the hallway. The sight of that boy right now, juggling his usual handfull of school books, would be a total beacon of light for me in this fog of confusion.
"So....?" Joey asked...waiting for my attention to be centered back on him.
"What?" I was trying to hide my annoyance, but he was obviously not going to go anywhere.
"Can I come over? For a little bit?" I don't think I was listening at first, but after a short pause, I gave in.
"Oh...yeah. Sure. After school?" I said, still seeking out my dream boy.
"Sweet! Can't wait! I'll see you then, pumpkin!" He's damn LUCKY that my attention was buried too deeply in the crowd of kids passing by to hear him use that foul word in my presence again. I would have slugged him!
He practically skipped away from me to go be with his friends, and I was left standing there in the hallway...wondering what I had just done. I just set up another fucking 'date' with Joey! Why do I keep doing this? Oh yeah...because sex feels good. That's why. And since Colin didn't seem to be dishing out even the least bit of attention today...Joey will have to do. For now.
More classes, more torture, more waiting. My body was beginning to feel so hollow on the inside. Every bit of energy that Colin's presence had given me was suddenly gone, drained from me and leaving a dull echo in the shell left behind. Every breath I took was labored and pointless. Everything was. When lunch had rolled around, I was well on the way to becoming a total basket case. I hardly talked to much of anybody that day, didn't feel like it. I just wanted to wait until the sun set below the horizon a few more hundred times so I could begin to feel 'ok' about all of this again. Dammit...screw the whole falling in love thing and him being so damned cute...I missed my FRIEND too! He was cool, and he made me laugh, and I felt like I was...'better'...when he was around. Something about Colin challenged me to be at my best every second that we were together. Let's see my guidance couselor top that one. Whatever. I just want to eat my lunch in silence and finish my 'sentence' here in this scholastic prison of mine.
I was maybe halfway through a bag of Fritos, eating them one at a time in slow motion as my thoughts kept me pretty much numb to life in general, when I saw Colin's best friend Missy walking out of the lunch line with a tray of food. I watched her for a second or two before anything really registered in my brain, and I got up to talk to her. "Missy?"
"Oh, hi!" She grinned, bubbly as ever.
"I don't know if you remember me..."
"Of COURSE I remember you, Russ. Don't be silly. What's up?"
"Well...actually, I was kinda looking for Colin. He hasn't been around at all today. I thought, maybe..."
She stopped me, and leaned closer to softly say, "Look, you didn't hear this from me, ok?" She looked around, "He's hiding out in shop class. He's got a senior friend on the inside that gave him a fake pass to stay all morning. He's pretending to work on an extra credit project." She smiled at me.
"Why is he 'hiding out'? I mean...is he feeling ok? I don't wanna barge in if..."
"He's hiding out because he's being a DORK! That's why. Don't sweat it, just go."
I looked at her confused for a second, "Are...are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Go ahead." She repled. "He hides it well when he's being weird, but he'll be happy to see ya. I promise you." And she sent me off. If Colin wasn't being, as she so nicely put it...a DORK, I might take this as a good sign. But the fact of the matter is that normal logic didn't seem to work for me right now. Not in the sad state that I'm in. Still, I found my way to the woods worksop downstairs and saw Colin sitting in a corner of the room, scribbling in a notebook and probably pretending to be working on this top secret project of his. So I walked over and caught him by surprise.
"I never thought you for the scruffy 'Mr. Fix It' type." I said, and his eyes looked up at me. Both glistening with hope and clouding over with doubt simultaneously. He was almost happy to see me....I think. But Missy was absolutely right, he DOES hide it well.
"What are you doing here?" He asked. Even when he's being distant, he's cute.
"I just thought...you know...I'd come down here to see a friend of mine. But...he's not here. Then I saw you sitting in the corner..."
"Missy told you I was here, didn't she?" He frowned, closing up his notebook.
"She TOLD you! I can't believe this, I'm going to KILL her!" He was actually getting upset, and I began to wonder if my being there was making things worse.
"Colin...dude, look, if you want me to leave..." I started, and unfortunately he ddn't stop me. "You want me to leave. Ok, I got ya. I'll...see you around sometime, k?"
Colin's eyes didn't leave his desk, but as I stood up he forced himself to speak. "Russ...sigh...you don't have to leave. I just...I've got a lot of stuff to...think about. You know?"
I say back down and moved my chair closer to him. FOR some reason that made him a bit nervous. "Dude, if I did anything wrong yesterday, you can tell me. I mean it. I don't want you to think that I'm forcing myself on you or anything."
"You're not. You're fine, Russ."
"Then what is it? Why the sudden change?"
He paused for a moment, and with an almost hurt look in his dazzling green eyes, he muttered, "Can we not talk about this?"
"Do you want me to go?" I asked.
"No, I don't want you to go."
"So you want me to stay?"
"No...I mean...well yeah...but..."
I looked him dead in the eye, and raised an eyebrow, forcing a slight grin to cut through his confusion over what to say. "I...can't do both, you know?" I smiled.
He didn't want to smile back, I could tell, but even HE knew that him being 'this' lost in one of our conversations was just plain funny. His smile grew a little bigger, despite his attempts to control it. "Stop...I mean it." He said, looking away from me to keep from grinning.
"You freshmen are extremely confusing, you know this, right?" I said.
"Shut up already." His smile was almost in full bloom, I could hear it in the lift of that cute little voice of his. "Why don't you just GO somewhere?"
"Why don't you come with me?" I smiled, hoping to give him a little inspiration to stop being weird. At this point, during that one particular moment in time, I didn't even care about love and sex and the goal of me being happy. Right now, the only purpose I had in life was to bring that delicate smile on Colin's face to it's full glory and brightness again. "I can get you a vanilla shake? Whaddya say?" I asked.
"Sigh...." He said in mock frustration, blowing up some of the sandy light brown locks of hair on his forehead.
"I know, I know...BIG hassle! So what? Come with me."
"You suck. You know that?"
"So I suck, so what? Come on...it's a free milkshake." I coaxed him a bit more to get him to turn back around and look me in the eye. Even if he only did so briefly.
Then he giggled bashfully to himself and that sweet rosey blush returned to his face. I had made contact! "I dunno...I can't ditch class."
"Can't ditch class? What do you call THIS, 'hardware boy'?" I said.
His blush got even deeper when he realized that he WAS in fact already 'hiding out'. "You're buying..." He said, his voice just slightly above a whisper.
"Is that a yes?"
"C'mon, just say yes and I'll leave you alone."
Colin rolled his eyes. "Alright already. Yes, yes, a billion times yes." He said, and then looked over at me with a softened grin. This comfortable vibe seemed to emanate from his body like the gentle heat of a late autumn furnace, and it took a hold of me again. I had my friend back, and there was a definite genuine smile on his face. But the second he said yes...I stared into his bright eyes again and...the love came speeding back to the surface. I felt my body becoming weightless again, and he must have seen those nervous jitters returning to me again because he straightened up and looked away from me. "So...we should go now. You know....if...we're still going." He said, distracting our intimate eye contact by collecting his books and stuff. He couldn't even bring himself to look at me....grrrr...but that's ok. Just...chill out, Russ. Take it easy, take it slow. We can be just friends for a while. And later on, if he wants more...then great. And if not...? Well, let's just assume he does for right now. I don't think I'm quite ready to deal with the other half of the equation just yet.
The walk over to the hang out was a bit more restrained than before. I could feel it. He didn't look at me as much, he didn't talk as much, his charming wit was dulled down to a minimum, he didn't even walk as close to me as he did before. He was literally cutting off any and all emotional involvement and keeping me at arm's length. WHY? That's what I don't understand! Unless....unless...
...He's not gay.
Could that be it? Could it be that he just isn't interested in guys at all? Not even bisexual, just...strictly put here on this Earth to act as both a magnet for women and a cruel divine joke on me? What else can it be? He isn't gay...God help me...Colin isn't gay. But I'm betting he's getting the idea that I am, and it's probably driving him nuts inside. He doesn't WANT me to be attracted to him. He doesn't want my love. He's probably creeped out something awful and ready to bolt whenever I make goo goo eyes at him. Geez...I must look so stupid. My heart begin to swell and tighten, like a full balloon that was only one breath away from bursting open. And a pinch of heartbreak began to move into all the right positions, as the theory of 'wasted time' crept into my rose colored reality. It's the kind of pain that destroys you peacefully from the inside, lulling you to sleep forever. If Colin was really this untouchable, if he wasn't made just for me, then who was? Certainly not Joey. Certainly not some stranger that I catch staring at me in the hallways. Certainly not some hotel bound orgy with someone I meet in some online personal. If it isn't Colin...I'm scared that it might not be...anybody.
"You're not spacing out on me, are ya?" He asked me, his bright and impish smile hurting me more than he could ever know. It's the cool ones that hurt the most when you lose them.
"Anything overly profound?"
He wasn't going to get me to smile with his 'cautious' joking around. "No. Not really." We got to the corner hang out and I bought him the milkshake like I promised, and one for me, and we sat down in the corner where we had basically adopted the table by the window. I think my silence got to him, because Colin began to get a bit more uncomfortable.
"You...you're not...mad at me, or anything...are you?" He asked.
"Mad at you? No. Why would I be?"
"You know...for hiding out and being so snotty this morning and all. It's not you, really. It's me." He looked down for a second, then continued with, "If you're angry, you can tell me, you know. I mean, there's no point in being nice to me if you don't want to be."
I looked up into his eyes so he'd believe me, "Colin...I'm not mad at you. Ok? I promise." But the honest truth was, I don't know if I was mad at him or not. Not for anything that he did, just for everything that he was. I felt like he had lured me into this painful trap by being so damn amazing. From his boyish and energetic aura, to his natural physical beauty, to the sexual explosion of his subtle sensuality...they were the bear trap around my ankles, holding me close to him without any means of pulling myself away. What was I going to do? Gnaw off my foot? It seemed like the only solution...no matter what I did, I was going to be crippled for life if I found a way to escape...and I'd die for sure if I stayed. Well THIS is a particularly 'fun' situation, isn't it?
"You really ARE spacing out on me." He grinned. Cute as it was...I was really starting to fucking HATE that grin.
"Sorry. I guess I've got a lot of stuff on my mind too." I grumbled.
"Oh, I see..." He said in a low voice. "...let me help you out then." And while I wasn't looking, or paying much attention...he dipped up a healthy dose of cream from his shake onto his spoon, and held it up in a catapault fashion with his finger.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"What does it look like?" He said with a completely serious face.
"You wouldn't da..." But before the words left my mouth, he launched the entire spoonful of ice cold vanilla directly at my face, the biggest part of it splashing over my right eye! DAMN it was cold!!! I sat there for a moment in utter shock at the unprovoked attack, my mouth wide open in surprise! Colin sat there in silence, wondering what I was going to do next, trying his HARDEST not to laugh at me. "I...I CANNOT fucking believe....that you just did that!" I said, still too paralyzed to even wipe my face clean yet.
"Hehehe...but it got your attention, didn't it?" He giggled. Finally, I got control of my hands again, and used a napkin to wipe my face clean. Some of the ice cream had fixed itself to my hair, and some had dribbled down my cheek and over the corner of my lips.
"Got my attention, huh?" I said, getting up and taking a hold of my shake. "How's THIS for attention, you bastard?!?!"
And I swiftly slid into the booth next to him, trapping him inside as I tilted the glass threateningly over his head. "NO!!! No no no no no no no!!!" His hands went up to struggle with me as he laughed hysterically, cringing from the arctic shower that was ready to rain down on him at any minute. Not that I REALLY had any intention of covering him with my vanilla milkshake, but it was fun to tease him with the idea of it. However, suddenly as both of his hands reached up to stop me in a playful fit, I saw an opening to gently tickle him under the arm closest to me. NOT a good idea! His whole body jerked involuntarily from his ticklish frenzy and his movements brought the whole 'house of cards' tumbling down. He screamed out loud as my hand slipped and the thick cold liquid came splashing down on the side of his neck! Then more drenched the side of his face, and I pulled it back as quickly as I could...both of us staring at each other in amazment. Shit! He was literally COVERED in it!
Colin just sat there for a second, the frosty ice cream running into his collar and down the front of his chest underneath his shirt. His arms floated up to be parallel with his shoulders as he felt the chill run through him all at once. I was sooo sorry! "I...I didn't mean to.."
"No way...no fucking WAY..." He said, his eyes still wide as his body tried to make sense out of what just happened. I couldn't tell if he was upset, or just in shock.
"YOU did it! I wasn't really gonna pour it over your head! You hit my arm!" I shouted in my defense.
"Russ...I SOOOOOO owe you for this one! This is what 'revenge' was invented for." I handed him a single napkin to clean up with, and he just looked at me...a crooked smile spreading across his face. He snatched the single napkin away from me, and I had to laugh outloud, Colin covered with milk.
"Hehehe...yeah...I guess I should get you more than one napkin, huh?" I giggled.
"YEAH, GENIUS! I think you might need a couple more to help clean me up! That's a pretty good idea!" He pouted, and that only made me laugh even harder! One side of that beautiful face was simply enveloped in cold ice cream, and his neck was just as bad. "It's NOT funny! LOOK at me! I have to go back to school like this!" He said a bit louder...but even though he tried to look serious, his thin red lips just would not cooperate. He was trying so hard, but he kept giggling just as badly as I was. "C'mon..." He whined. "...it's not funny."
"Hahahahaha!!!" I could hardly breathe at this point.
Colin punched me in the shoulder. "You SUCK!" He grinned. "Slide over, I've gotta clean up in the bathroom. Bastard!" God, he was so cute when he was trying to be angry. Might have worked if his laughter hadn't given him away.
"Don't worry, I'll help you. Go ahead, I'll meet you in there. Hehehehe!"
"Stop it! Don't laugh at me!"
"Because...you'll make ME laugh, and I'm trying to be mad at you!" Colin was so easily lovable, even when he didn't mean to be.
"Aw dude, let it go. You started it anyways."
"I tossed, like, ONE little spoonful of milkshake at you!" He said a bit louder in his defense.
"Yeah well, that was more than enough to get you drenched. You'll think twice next time, won't ya?" He tried to straighten his face again, but the giggles took hold of him again once he looked into my eyes. And I started laughing again when I saw some of the milky liquid start running down his arm too, from up under his sleeve all the way down to his wrist. He was dripping all over the place. "Hehehe! GO! I'm coming in a second."
"You better..." He said, and walked into the bathroom as I went to the counter to ask for a roll of paper towels and maybe a dish rag or something. What the hell possessed that boy to splash milkshake in my eye anyway??? Hehehe, just the unpredictable silliness of it made me snicker to myself on my way back to the bathroom. And I'm supposed to NOT be in love with this boy? How do I work THAT out? Hehehe!
Then...I opened the bathroom door. I wasn't prepared for what I saw at all. It took a powerful hold of me instantly, and I froze in my tracks. Colin was facing the sink, standing in front of the huge, counter-long bathroom mirror...and he had his shirt off. The shirt was laying on the counter next to him, and as he splashed water in his face, I took the opportunity to truly examine his semi exposed body for all it was worth. I was motionless. It was the most I had ever seen of Colin before...and it seemed as though I honestly had forgotten how to breathe. His skin was practically alive with its smooth and creamy texture. The muscles moving underneath it with such ease and perfection. His waist was smaller than I had thought it would be, such a 'huggable' size, and he had the cutest little tufts of light brown hair under each arm. Just enough to be noticeable. There wasn't a mark on him anywhere, and when he stood up, I could see the tiny dots that he had for nipples...pointed and erect. Probably from the ice cold sensation of a vanilla shake being poured over your head. His neck and shoulders looked like the most lickable surfaces on the planet, and wet strands of his hair were sticking to his forehead as he dryed his face off. He had this barely visible, almost non-existant, six pack abdomen, and the softest looking teenage pecs. His collar bone stuck out a bit under his chin, and since his pants were hanging pretty low, I could see the beginning of the subtle rise of his pert globes...although covered with a pair of boxer shorts. And in the mirrored reflection, I could see his front, a 'V' shape that was surely guiding my gaze towards something much more magical than anything that I had seen on his body so far. Needless to say...my giggles left me pretty quick.
Colin finished drying his face, and looked at me in the reflection. It's funny, his eyes looked even greener when they were wet. "You suck SO much, dude! Hehehe!" He said with that elfin grin of his. Did he not know? Had he honestly gotten so used to seeing his reflection in the mirror that he had lost all concept of how utterly beautiful he was?
"I...I...um...brought you some paper towels and...a dish cloth. I thought it might help." My mouth must have been hanging open. There was no way that I was EVER going to be able to wipe this image from my memory. It was impossible for me not to stare. I was trying to be cool about the whole thing, but my eyes were locked to him. And when I looked in the mirror and saw the sweetest, most adorable, little dime sized belly button that I've ever seen in my life...I nearly shouted out the words 'I love you' before I had the chance to get control of myself again! My erection went to half mast immediately, and my body heat increased enough for my forehead to bead up with sweat. Oh wow...THIS...I was not ready for.
Colin took some of the paper towels off of the roll, while running the hot water in front of him, and began wiping the ice cream from his shoulders. His slim...shapely...sexy...shoulders. I took a few glances to make sure that he wasn't watchng me...watching him. But I doubt I could have kept my eyes off of him, even if I wanted to. My fingers itched, longing to glide safely over his skin and revel in the gentle heat that his body could provide. My tongue went dry, my lungs seemed to shrink, only providing enough air to keep me conscious, and my erection went from half mast to a position that was beginning to strain against the fabric of my jeans. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to blink, I didn't want to breathe. This...is the feeling I had been living without. For oh so long.
Unable to resist being this close to him without some kind of contact, I nervously stepped forward and reached a nervously trembling hand out to his shoulder. It's funny how moving forward, even an inch, can seem like a mile when it's towards the one that you both love and fear more than anything in the world. But my hand inched forward, slowly, shaking, timid beyond words, and finally came into contact with the sensual body heat of this boy who had me so engaged. I used my fingertips to wipe away a few streams of milk that had run down his back, and let me tell you...the softness of his skin was enough to inspire tears. I only prayed that he couldn't hear me sighing outloud.
"I got some on my BACK too? Geez!" He said, and he got some paper towels off of the roll. I jumped at his sudden movements, and hearing his voice reminded me that he was aware of my presence there. So I jerked my hand back slightly...as though touching him wasn't a pleasure that I was worthy of. But my body was aching to make contact again. ANY kind of contact. I watched as Colin tried to clean the stuff off of his back, missing the spot every time as he craned his neck around in an attempt to see it.
"I-I-I'll get it..." I whispered. And I took the wad of paper towels from him to connect with his smooth skin once again. I could feel my bottom lip begin to quiver as I tenderly wiped the cloth across the back of his shoulders. So beautiful. So damn beautiful. My breaths were short and labored, getting caught in my throat as I tried to contain my excitement. And my six inches had grown to full size, painfully tenting out my pants at this point. I could feel my pulse running through it, the muscles of my member tightening and expanding with every small circle that I made over his untouched flesh. I swallowed hard, and finally couldn't take it anymore. I was more in love that I had ever been in my life. It had hit me out of nowhere, and nt from some primadonna hot boy that I happened to see in the hallways and schemed to get him into bed with me. But from this freshman boy, this unbelievable surprise, that bumped into me one day and charmed me to the point where all of the world's problems could be solved ith the beauty of his smile. That's how he made me feel....and I HAD to tell him. I HAD to!
It might have only been a few seconds, but the inner monologue that I had with myself seemed to go on for a century. What to do, what to say, how to say it...the discussion went frantically from one extreme to the other...but it had to be done. If I held it in one moment longer, I'd die. I'd simply die. So...I closed my eyes, and breathed out slowly...getting ready for a confession that would bear my soul to Colin for the first time. God...I hope I'm doing this right. "Colin...listen..." Ok, I've started. I've actually STARTED! Now, just finish this sentence, and let it snowball into an expression of love so profound that he can't HELP but to accept it! "...I know that we've only known each other for a little while...but...I feel like I know you so well already..."
I saw Colin look at my face briefly in the mirror, and the muscles in his shoulders tensed up. He took in a deep breath, and didn't let it out. He was obviously terrified...but I kept going anyway. "...Colin...?"
"Yeah?" He said, his voice shaking almost as badly as the hand that I had now laid against his bare skin, on his shoulder, at the base of his soft, warm, neck.
My thumb began to make slow circles on his shoulder, thrilling me with every fiber of him that it touched, and then it slid a bit up his neck...tracing the curve. "I just...I wanted you to know...I think..."
The door to the bathroom opened and startled the both of us. Someone walked in and went straight to the urinal, never once giving us a second look, really. He must have had to go pretty bad. I hid my hardness by leaning against the counter next to Colin, my hand silently weeping for having to disconnect from the most thrilling experience of its existence, and we waited for him to leave. However, just like always, the mood was broken. And the second the other guy left, Colin retreated safely back into his defensive emotional fortress. Much like a turtle who withdraws out of sight the second you tap its shell. DAMMIT! "You know...I think I should get back. I've already ditched half the day away anyway, I don't want to become a TOTAL villain of the academic system." He said, trying to put on a smile while reaching for his shirt. It was at that moment that his uncomfortable awkwardness with the situation really began to shine.
"Colin, dude...I really need to talk to you. Just for a minute?" I said.
"Sorry. Maybe some other time, ok? I mean if you want to. And if you don't want to, then that's fine too. It'll be sometime. Maybe not today, maybe not this week, even...but sometime. Right? It's not that important..." He was talking fast, babbling, incoherently slipping from one conversational segue to another in the hopes that he'd keep me from speaking until he got his shirt back on. I don't think he knew what I was getting ready to tell him...but I DID know that he wasn't in the mood to hear it right then and there. He called his formal retreat, and there just wasn't any way for me to get up enough courage to chase him. I was TRYING! Trying so hard to say what I feel, to expose my heart to him in a way that no one else in the universe was worthy of. But I just couldn't do it. I didn't WANT to do it. Not like this. I wanted it to work and be happy and fulfilled and romantic...but all I got was Colin running away from my affections and me feeling like I'm trying to force him into something that he doesn't want to be a part of. Ever. Geez, if love is so wonderful, then why does it take so much agaony to find it and have someone return it the way you need them to?
"I think we got it all." I said sadly, not even cracking a smile.
"Got all of what?"
"The milkshake..." I lowered my eyes to the floor.
"Oh...yeah. Thanks." Colin threw the paper towels in the trash and was ready to go. But when he saw the look on my face, he said, "I'm not really mad, you know?"
"Yeah, I know."
"I mean...if you thought I was mad...I'm not."
"Whatever." I said, and there was a slight pause before he walked out of the bathroom, me closely behind him. This was not working out the way I had planned.
We took a few quick minutes to clean p the booth where we were sitting, and Colin swiftly made his excuse of getting back to school so he could leave me behind again. What else could I do except to walk back with him. It was beginning to look like a lost cause, but my heart wouldn't let Colin's spirit rest. It kept reaching out for him, and making me a very miserable boy in the process. Honestly, as of right now...I don't think this is 'fun' anymore.
The school day went by pretty fast after that. Mostly because I was too wrapped up in my own despair to really pay much attention to the minutes as they ticked by. What good is time if you spend it alone, you know? Anyway, not only was Colin's RECENT rejection on my mind, but my body was still lusting after him with more determination than ever. That moment, that beautfiul moment, when I placed my hand on the tenderness of his flawless skin...had blossomed into an addiction of unprecedented proportions. My thoughts were entirely surrounding it, and visions of that same five minutes flashed in front of me over and over again with every blink of my eyes. It's like being insane...but in a good way. The best way possible.
I was walking home from school, still lost, still reeling from the events of the day and feeling like shit inside. How his repulsion of me made me want him ten times worse was a complete mystery to me. And I won't lie...it hurt. It hurt like a bitch, and I couldn't understand exactly what I was gonna DO with that pain! It washed over me like the annoying heat and humidity on a 'too hot' summer day. You couldn't really do anything about it, except sit there and take it. Trying not to move and make it worse. I was moping my way through the streets when Joey suddenly caught up to me. "Russ! What's up man? You didn't forget about me, did ya?" He said.
I looked at him...and he was so cute. Big, and dumb, and cute. "No...I didn't forget." I said, doing all I could to switch my mind off and just let my sex driven body take over. He's HOT, Russ...just look at him! Joey is freakin' GORGEOUS!!! Look at those eyes, and those lips, and that ass! He knows what he's doing, his suction is something of a phenomenon, and there are girls and guys alike who would gladly line up around the block to get the opportunity to screw him like I do! How much easier can it get, you know? He's mine. This big, dumb, pretty piece of meat is all mine to do with as I please. So I should just stop being a spoiled brat and appreciate a little of what I've got. Right? I thought so. And with that in mind, I smiled at Joey and said, "Come on babe...I need you."
It wasn't easy hiding my boner the rest of the way home, especially watching Joey bounce around like that. So happy, so anxious. I couldn't wait to taste him again, to let his blessed flavor fill me up inside and bring a smile to this pretty face of mine. Mmmmm...today, I was gonna make it so good that his eyes are gonna roll back in his skull. He wants me, well he's GOT me today! You can believe that. We burst through the back door of my house, and Joey began to speak, "I wanted this all day. I want you. You are so hot, Russ..."
"Shhhhh..." I said, shutting him up with a kiss. We moved blindly back through the house to my bedroom, dropping clothes along the way whle french kissing madly. My passion bubbled over and I gripped Joey supple ass cheeks hard as he slid his pants to his ankles. His cotton boxers were the perfect covering for those tight round globes of his, and I was kneading them roughly as his moans filled my mouth through our struggled lip lock. I don't think I've enjoyed sex with him this much with Joey since the first time.
He pushed me back on the bed, and we both stripped down to our socks, nothing else. He climbed on top of me, and our lips mashed together, our embrace keeping us tightly clenched together. My hands ran all over his back, sliding across the surface of his skin, much like it had over Colin's earlier, and then went straight back to his naked butt cheeks. I loved Joey's ass...I mean, I LOVED Joey's ass! It was perfect, round, taut and balloon like in its softness and shape. It was heaven for anyone who even got a chance to SEE it, much less bury their hands in it like I was. Or their FACE, for that matter. I felt Joey's kisses move to my neck, and then over my nipples and belly button...moving further south towards what he wanted most. He wasted no time at all, and I felt the weightless sensation of entering the wet, sultry, insides of Joey's mouth in full suction. I threw my head back, and arched upwards enthusiastically as his pursed lips milked me hungrily like a baby sheep. I moved my hands down to dig deeply into Joey's hair, messing it up something awful and feeling my stomach flutter with the joy of a sexual encounter that most boys my age would die for. It had only been minutes into it, when I felt myself coming close to the end of our...'realtionship' for the day. I didn't want to let it go just yet. Not yet. I needed more, so much more. I needed enough time to accept this....this....activity as a form of love. As a means of being wanted instead of rejected, loved instead of feared, held close instead of pushed away. Today I need to feel sexy again. Like I could turn the head of the most perfect boy ever if I really wanted to. Like my body and my heart go go chasing after the same person for once in my life. Today...I needed to be worshipped and adored. It was the only thing that was going to make this doubt, this PAIN, go away right now.
I pulled Joey off of me, and held both of his cheeks tightly as I pulled his face up to kiss me deeply again. Then I whispered in his ear, softly, sexily..."Turn over. Lay on your stomach, baby." And he did just what I asked him to, without question. He always did. I slid further down in the bed, and stradled his legs as I looked down at the nude buns in front of me. His tan line was incredibly sexy, and on such a perfect curve, such a sensually round bulbous set of twins...it highlighted the most delicious piece of Joey's body. And I have the nerve to not be in love? What-ever! If this is what he's offering me, I'd be a FOOL not to take it! I put both of my hands on his cheeks, and began to massage and squeeze them, hearing his soft whimpers being muffled by the pillow his head was nuzzling into. I leaned forward, and licked him right between the shoulder blades, sending a shiver throughout his whole body. I leaned further forward, and began to lick him on the base of his neck...right there...where my hand had touched Colin only hours earlier. I licked it, sucked at it, nibbled on that same spot on Joey's body...and he got a huge jolt of sexual satisfaction from me being so 'active' this time around. As I leaned deeper into his soft neck, my hardness, brushed up against him, across the skin of that beautiful little teen butt of his, and I slid it in between the two mounds as I explored the lust that rushed through me at that moment. He felt sooooo good, and when he pushed his hips off of the bed to press into my hardness with a seductive moan, I whimpered desperately for release.
Again, I slid down the bed, and wet one of my fingers...teasing the overly anxious rosebud that was beggine and pleading to be invaded as SOON as possible. My finger ran circles around the opening as it winked and flexed in front of me, and I stuck my tongue out to lick that tender spot behind his balls. Joey gasped and raised his hips even higher, impossibly hard and ready to shoot at any moment. I slowl slid my moistened finger into his opening, and he clamped down instinctively...but loosened up quickly as I sucked one of his delicate marbles into my mouth and ran my tongue back and forth across the wrinkled skin. He was breathing hard and speechless, his hips making big sexually frustrated circles in the air as I gave him a thrill that fell JUST short of what he needed to release. Then, it was time. I moved over him on my knees, the spongy softness of the mattress creaking under my movements and Joey taking a deep breath in preparation for the enjoyment he was about to receive. And I positioned my length at his hole, knowing that it would be hot enough to scald me on the inside. Knowing that it would be tight enough to strangle me on the inside. Knowing that I would be loving every minute of both circumstances. I pressed forward with little success. Joey was tight. Even relaxed, he was tight. But I wanted this, I needed this...NOW! I pressed again, and Joey tried to help out by pushing back, but it took a few tries to get it just right. It was that first initial pop, followed by the long, warm, slide into his slippery tunnel...that made it all worthwhile. I held my breath as he bathed me in a heat that covered my whole body, and slid deeper, and deepr, and deeper still, until those bubbled cheeks were squished and pushed down by the front of my thighs. GOD it felt good! I laid down on his back, buried inside him to the hilt, and just took a moment to breathe. I let my gentle weight trap Joey underneath me as he got used to having me inside him, and I could feel his heartbeating through our sexual connection. Feeling his warm body grasp me, his chest rising and falling as he breathed beneath me, the smell of his hair as I lay my chin on his shoulder...all these things were my replacement for the unrquited love that Colin so easily threw away this morning. This could have been you, Colin. This could have been you.
I wish ths was you.
I shook myself free from the pity that got me into this position in the first place, and took my first slide out of Joey's constricted space. His tightness stimulated every inch of me on its way out, making it tingle and throb with a lustful hysteria that I couldn't control. I pulled it out more than half way, and then began to push back into the gelatin mass of his hot muscled walls. The sensations tingled even MORE on the way back in, and it made me thirsty to feel that again. So I pulled back out, and back in, and back out...the rhythm picking up, the sensations getting stronger, my body taking over where my mind left off. Joey couldn't have been happier, and cooed boyishly under me. Soooo cute. So hot! Joey was this beautiful angel that I just never gave a chance. Never once. Look at him....he's gorgeous. Gorgeous. I sped up in my thrusts, now powering up the locomotive to drive home an orgasm that would overwhelm me mercilessly once it was underway. Cute...so cute! This ass....this fucking BEAUTIFUL ass! So hot, so tight....ungh....I love it. I love HIM! Push, push, push! Ahhh...I love you!
I pushed even harder, and felt the climax of a lifetime curling up my toes. I whined and mumbled and moaned as I began to pump Joey for all he was worth. And when he erupted onto my sheets, his already tight asshole rhythmically pulsing and spasming around my hardness like a heart valve...I released a huge load into him. HUGE! I cried out, pushing my hips down into his love as hard as my muscles would allow, and came what felt like a gallon with every splash. I was breathless...my eyes clenched tightly together, my every muscle coming alive in an orgasmic high beyond my wildest dreams. By the time my body had relaxed, I had lost a few minutes of time...ignoring them to extend my focus on the only thing that existed for me right then. Another orgasm...used up on Joey.
I let my heartbeat get back to normal, and almost felt hurt that my inches were beginning to deflate again. I never wanted to leave the warmth of Joey's flesh. I wanted to rest my thighs on the pillow soft bubbles of his ass for the rest of the day. But I guess it couldn't last forever, could it. Not hardly. I rolled off of him, and laid on my back next to him in the bed. I was breathing hard and trying to hold on to the leftover tremors of a climax that was HIGHLY needed after the day that I've had. It was then that Joey rose up on his elbows, and kissed me deeply on the lips again. "That was intense! Whoah...you are SO good!" He said, that big dumb doe-like quality trying to pass for romance again. "I love you Russ!" He said.
"Mmm-hmm...thanks." I said. But this time...I didn't return the phrase. Not this time. It would have sounded blasphemous to me after being with Colin, and trying to compare Joey to his magnificence. So I left it at that. I tried to love Joey, and I can't fake it. I tried to love Colin, and he won't let me. I'm starting to wonder if I can even love MYSELF at this point.
But at least Joey was THERE. In my arms, smothering me with kisses and licks and nibbles as we lay naked side by side. I won't deny that it felt good. I even coaxed Joey to roll over and lay on top of me while I guided my hands right back down to those buns that had just given me so much pleasure. I kissed his full lips and tasted a little bit of what I was looking for. It was awesome to be in love with someone, but unless you're loved back...there was something missing. SO much was missing. It was like trying to play catch in the park by yourself. I guess I needed Joey to throw the ball back once in a while, and for now that was all I had.
We didn't talk much for the rest of the afternoon. In fact, whenever Joey started telling me how hot I was and how much he loved me and how he could do it with me all day long...I used more kissing to shut him up. And we kept ourselves emotionally attached as long as we were having sex. Outside of that, there wasn't much left to build on. So we just kept having sex...two or three times in a row, until I was exhausted from exploding more times than I could count. And when it was over...
I found myself still whispering Colin's name...asking why I couldn't be the apple of his eye, the way he was in mine.