After doing this so many times in the past, I'm surprised that Joey's tight, quivering, hole can still offer up so much resistance when I slowly push myself inside of him these days.

My body, draped over his back, I feel the constricted muscle slowly parting to allow my sexual invasion to continue. The penetration bathes me in a warm glow, my elbows on the mattress on either side of him, my chin on the back of his shoulder blades, my nose and lips nuzzled deeply in the soft strands of his hair. I almost feel like some kind of ungrateful brat to not fully enjoy and appreciate having such a hot boy underneath me on a random day after school. I mean...I should be rejoicing over the luck of having a sexy boy like Joey in my bed, right? He's sooooo damn cute! His ass is AMAZING! Shapely, and erotic, and tight beyond belief. The kind of ass that only comes from high school sports and climbing trees as a youngster. The kind of ass that any porn star twink would be proud to have so he could up his price another few thousand dollars per film. Joey was...he was the pure definition of a gay boy's wet dream in the flesh. I was fortunate to have access to such a sensual treasure whenever I wanted it. Whenever I called for it. I was 'hot', you know? At least, according to Joey, I was. So getting a piece of energetic bottom boys like this was pretty much my birthright. I mean...isn't it?

But even as I felt my throbbing shaft sinking deeper and deeper into Joey's snug and brightly blushed asshole, the ring trembling around my thrusting inches...I couldn't help but to realize the pointlessness of it all. Is that weird? To just...not feel connected to the act of 'getting off' itself, and wishing that I had something more during sex? Some mental stimulation? A sense of humor? A few moments of witty banter, back and forth, that would justify me shoving my hard phallus into Joey's most intimate hole?

Don't get me wrong...I wanted to cum. Oh GOD, did I want to cum! Super hard in Joey's tight little ass, while he whimpered out loud and breathlessly said my name as we shared another mind-blowing orgasm together. But...what then?

I 'got off', sure. But...then I'm just waiting for him to leave again. I'll be honest, I don't have any fun talking to Joey. I never did. He can be so boring. Anything outside of us being naked and horny...Joey just doesn't cross my mind on an average day. Like...ever. He's like the personification of the random boners that I used to get in Middle School. No point to them, no real reason for them to be there...but it's an incentive to spend some time alone with it, regardless. That's it. I just want to squirt, and then...he's fulfilled his purpose for the moment. What the heck am I supposed to do with him when I DON'T have to force my way towards a sticky explosion of boy fluids?

I thought about Colin while I was thrusting into Joey. I felt kind of dirty for doing it, but...I was in danger of losing my erection if I didn't try to fantasize about someone else. Ugh...that sounds really bad to say, but...even with my six inches plugging away at Joey's perfectly shaped globes, my ears ringing with the erotic sounds of him loving every moment of my deep penetration...I couldn't get emotionally involved in the act itself. I tried...but I just...I couldn't!

How can you have your DICK lodged deeply in a cute boy's hole and not feel what you want to feel? Seriously!

Is there something wrong with me? Joey was on his knees in front of me, with his sexy tush up in the air...and I could see my length sliding in and out of him while he begged me for more. I could even see his cute face as he looked back at me over his shoulder. Shouldn't that be enough? How many boys would CRAVE an opportunity like this! Joey's ass was Heaven to me! And yet...I got the feeling that I only lasted as long as I did because my brain wasn't truly receiving the message that told it, 'This is what you want, Russ! Take it! And be happy!' When I started slamming into him, eager to cum hard inside of his narrow tunnel...I was almost glad that this romp was about t come to an end. I just wanted to climax and satisfy my hard shaft so I could start thinking of ways to fucking get rid of Joey once we both got what we wanted out of this fiasco.

I pumped my hips harder, and Joey's cries got a bit louder from the increase in my already frenzied pace. Come on! Concentrate! This is hot, right! He feels so good! Shit...his ass is so tight! Faster! Harder! Mmmm...I'm getting close! I can feel it! Yeah...

"Whoah! Yeah, baby! Fuck me! Stick that hot beef in me!" Joey said, breathlessly.

NO! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!! You're ruining it! I pushed his head down into the pillow to press forward with my mad dash to a shattering orgasm! But...when I closed my eyes, all I could see was Colin reading comic book stuff in the library, or dropping his school books in the hallway, or...the look of shock on his face as he was covered in my vanilla milkshake. Nothing that would come off as very erotic to most people...but to me? Those were the images that sent me over the edge. Delivering the final blow with the image of his slightly blushed face...giving me a sweet an innocent smile.

"Ahhh, FUCK!!!" I slammed myself as deeply into Joey as I possibly could, the powerful pulses of an intense ejaculation forcing its way into his willing cavity while I gripped his slender hips with both hands and felt the passionate 'smoosh' of his ample cheeks being pressed against the front of my groin. I had to switch between holding my breath and panting wildly as I basically used Joey's body as a random dump for my afternoon masturbation. And it felt good. It felt soooo GOOD!

For a minute or two...

And then it was over. Just...over.

It's like having a sobering moment after a rash bout of total insanity. A comic book villain's, 'what have I done?' moment in real life. Because I know that every sexual romp that Joey and I share together is just prolonging this...this brazen lie that our false flag idea of a 'relationship' is ever going to go any further than the temporary stains on these sheets. I hate to say that I found the idea depressing...but...

...I really found the idea depressing!

I was laying next to Joey in bed, completely limp...the tingles from my current orgasm evaporating into thin air like the few remaining bubbles of a flat soda...and found that I had absolutely nothing to say to him. I actually tried to think about something to talk about, and found myself coming up short on every level. I mean, do I even find him attractive anymore?

At one point, Joey reached over to start playing with my manhood...but instead of getting excited, I just got annoyed with his touch. I wasn't interested in having any more sex today, and I was still a bit sensitive down there, so I ended up brushing his hand away. Then he snickers to himself and leans in to start sucking at the side of my neck. I wondered if he could see me physically rolling my eyes.

"Joey...give me a minute, ok?" I groaned.

"Alright." He said. "You pounded me good this time. I liked it a lot. Tell me when you get hard again, k? I wanna get one more good one in before I have to go home." Ugh...I hope I stay soft. Please stay soft.

Feeling this swelling need to question the point of all this, I asked him, "Joey? What would you say we were to each other?"

"What we...what? I don't get what you mean."

"I mean...I guess I'm asking...are you happy with this situation? Coming over here just to do it every now and then...is that what you dreamed of?"

"Fuck yeah!" He said with a goofy grin, and started kissing my neck again before I lightly pushed him back to arms length.

"I'm serious, Joey. Do you feel...swept up in any of this?"

"Of course, I do. This whole deal is awesome, don't ya think? I mean, I'm hot. You're definitely hot! We belong together. Sometimes I think about you when you're not even around. I end up having to jack off in a dirty sock. Hehehe!"

Believe it or not, I think that was Joey's inadequate way of being 'sweet'.

That's when he rolls onto his side, facing me, and he says, "Is this about coming out of the closet or something? Because I'd totally be down for something like that."

"No. That's not what I was..."

"Can you imagine it? The two hottest boys in our grade? Doing it, and strutting through the halls, holding hands. You know, like...'power couple', right? We'd run that place. Can you imagine the gossip? We can get a joint Snapchat account and upload pictures and stuff. Like, I could take a pic of us right now, laying next to each other in bed, like...'Just finished fucking! And it was HOT!' Everybody would go nuts, dude! Can you imagine it? Can you? They'd be so damn jealous!"

I looked away from Joey's excited face and mumbled, "No. I think I'd rather stay in the closet for now." I honestly wouldn't have a problem coming out if it meant expressing my love for someone special in an open and honest manner. But...the whole power couple, gossip train, thing doesn't appeal to me in the least. This is my heart were talking about here, not the latest twist on some second rate reality show.

"That's cool. But if you change your mind, you'll let me know, right?" I sort of nodded, and that gave Joey the green light to keep babbling. I found it hard to even remember what he was droning on about. I just...I was looking for a reason to make this the very last time that I lowered myself to this level. I was trying to put the words together to simply tell Joey that this wasn't working out, and that maybe it would be better if we were just friends from now on. Even though...without the sucking tightness of his gyrating ass...I can't imagine that we could be friends either. I mean, like...why? You know? "...And that's why I stopped watching that show. It just got too complicated after a while. I couldn't follow it anymore. Sucks. One of the actors was really cute though. So that was a plus. I still watch clips on Youtube sometimes. Only if he's in them though. Say, are you hard again yet? Wanna fuck me one more time? I have to go soon."

"No. Not yet. Sorry." I said, silently canceling the automatic signal being sent to my penis as thoughts of penetrating Joey's athletically sculpted ass one more time triggered the typical teen hormone response. I sat up to hide it from him and pulled my boxer briefs back on before he got an ideas. "I guess you've gotta get going, huh?"

Joey paused for a moment, and then he sat up as well. "Oh...well, yeah. I suppose." Was I being mean? I didn't want to be. "Maybe we can get together again this weekend?" He asked.

"Yeah. Maybe..." I said, not looking him in the eye for fear he'd see the insincerity reflected in my gaze.

"Okay then." Joey got dressed and looked in my bedroom mirror to fix his hair and get back to looking 'TV beautiful' before leaving. He moved forward, I thought, to give me a kiss on the cheek or maybe a peck on the lips. Instead, he grabbed the back of my head and tried to lustfully push his tongue into my mouth. I didn't exactly recoil from his assault on me, but I couldn't help but to think about how gross it felt to be doing this, and how I just wanted it to be over so he could leave. "I love you, Russ..."

With a gentle sigh, I gave him the typical pre-rehearsed response. "Love you too, Joey..."

After Joey left that afternoon...I felt like...like I needed a shower. It had to be something that I made up in my head, but I felt so 'used'. Which is weird, because...wasn't I the one who using Joey? Do I even have a right to feel this way right now? I tried to ignore it, but it was like I could still taste him. I could smell the scent of him on my skin. I could feel his touch molesting me in places that I should have been protecting...not giving away to someone who was practically a stranger in my bed. No matter how hot I turned up the water, I couldn't seem to scrub Joey's essence off of me. I hated to admit it, but I was almost nauseous from the idea of ever doing anything with him again. I might as well go down to the local gas station and service men through a glory hole in the bathroom. What would be the difference...if this is all I can expect from a 'relationship' like this?

I barely spoke a word to my parents at the dinner table. I watched TV, but didn't really pay attention to the moving pictures on the screen. I just...I felt ashamed of myself. I felt like I had cheapened my self worth to the point where it was barely worth anything at all. Why did I do it? Because I was so horny? Because Joey was so cute? There's more to love than...than this.

When I went to bed for the night, assuring my parents that I was ok after having them ask me why I was moping around the house and not being myself...I covered up and immediately starting thinking about Colin. I thought about how he made me laugh. I thought about he brought the life out of me with hardly any effort at all. More than anything...I thought about how this guilty feeling wasn't going to leave me until I saw him again. I craved his presence in my life. And I'd much rather sit here and dream about being in love with the fantasy version of Colin than spend one more sweaty moment thrusting my shaft into Joey's open hole in this bed.

I can't believe that I actually wished to experience this kind of confusing torture. This is insane.

Waking up the next morning, my mind went right back to thoughts of Colin without missing a beat. Did I dream about him? Who knows? But at least I was a few hours closer to seeing him again. I was anxious for it. It was the one thing that gave me the appropriate spring in my step to get out of bed and get myself ready. Thoughts of Colin's cute little grin made me try on two or three different shirts before I found the right one. It made me spend a few extra minutes fixing my hair. It made me double check to make sure my teeth were white, and that my scented bath gel could still be detected on the surface of my skin. I used a cloth to wipe a little smudge that I saw on my sneakers, and I found myself staring at my reflection...but not through my own eyes. I wanted to see myself the way Colin would see me. Would he be impressed? I hope so.

Out of all of the stares and flirtatious comments I've gotten...Colin is the first person I've ever known with the power to make me feel truly 'beautiful'.

It's a feeling that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Getting to school seemed to take forever today. I don't know why I expected to just get off of public transportation and just see Colin standing there waiting for me, but my heart forced me to be hopeful, regardless. I looked for him on the front lawn. My eyes searched for him by the bike racks. I stared up and down every hallway, hoping to just catch a glimpse of him. Just a hint of his rare aura so this Cupid's arrow in my heart could finally be pushed the rest of the way through my chest. The anticipation was killing me.

It took me nearly three periods of emotional torment before I actually found myself crossing his path again. Strange thing is, I had been disappointed so many times beforehand that I was actively trying to ignore the compulsion to seek him out. And then...there he was. Halfway down the school hall, trying to get into his locker with an arm full of books. I don't know why I thought that was so cute, Colin never having a backpack to carry things in...but something about him juggling his stuff while trying to keep balance and get a hand free to open his combination lock all at the same time was comical in the most adorable way. It was like watching a puppy trying to find his way out of a pillow case. Hehehe!

My heart began to beat faster, and this sensation of tingles began to crawl up over my shoulders and up both sides of my neck. What is it about him that makes me swoon the way I do? How can he charm me from a distance without even knowing I was there? This whole thing was getting to be downright ridiculous. What's even crazier is the fact that I like it so much.

Ok...I've got to go over and talk to him. I just have to. I've got plenty of time to get to class...he obviously needs a hand with his books, which totally gives me an innocent motive to strike up a conversation...it's perfect. Right?

I need to stop letting this jittery feeling in my gut keep me from making a go for him. I mean, what if he likes me as much as I think he does? What if I don't say anything and I end up regretting it for the rest of my life? No way. Unh unh! Maybe I need to turn up the heat a little bit. Make it known, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I'm, you know...'interested'. Couldn't hurt, right?

Actually...it could hurt. It could hurt a LOT! This is the prime example of putting all of your eggs in one basket. Because if I approach Colin with my heart exposed, and he says 'no thank you'...where do I go from there?

Seriously...what faith do I have in ever finding someone like this again?

I might lose him if I ask him out. I might lose him if I don't ask him out. I guess there's only one way to figure out which one is more terrifying...