It was almost as if I had ceased to pay attention to anything else in existence...except for the soothing sensation of having Brody lovingly run his fingertips through the strands of my air. Over and over again.
I had hugged myself around his right leg, my pants still slippery with the explosion I had just released from putting my mouth on Brody for the first time. My heart still beating hard inside of my chest. My body still spasming with the tingles and aftershocks of orgasm. It was quite possibly the most relaxing...most unselfish...feeling in the world. It was as if I had finally become a part of something infinitely larger than myself. And I'd never be complete without it ever again. Not ever.
Brody's eyes were closed, his sweet lips slightly parted as his breathing became steady again. His flat stomach rising and falling with the most delicate of rhythms. He petted me slowly. Softly. Like a sleeping kitten in his lap, I purred from the contact. I loved the feel of his bare skin against my cheek...resting my head on the inside of his thigh as his half hard penis bent slightly towards my moist lips. Just looking at it, the tip blushed a dark pink from my passionate suction, made my soul practically melt into the sheets around me.
I didn't move at first, almost afraid that I'd ruin the moment...crash the silence...but the temptation in front of me was just too much for me to resist. Especially with the aroma of his heated arousal wafting into my nostrils with every inhalation. God he smelled good. And the heat between his legs was almost enough to make me break a sweat...but not quite. I pressed myself against Brody's leg, feeling my member still stiff, even after the climax, and I moaned softly as I rolled into him and places a tender, lingering, kiss on his balls. Then giving them a few puppy licks, making Brody squirm a bit before spreading his legs wider to give me better access.
I took his cue, and moved complete between his legs as he drew his knees up slightly, spreading them out as I smashed my nose and lips against him. I kissed and licked and sucked on his tender sack, feeling the texture of the tight little wrinkles and a few sparse hairs as they slid across the surface of my tongue. He kept his hand on my head, still playing in my frazzled locks as he tried to stay still for me. I licked the insides of his thighs, up and down his shaft, and then sucked a few remaining sticky droplets out of his sensitive head before returning to nurse at his scrotum again. Brody wiggled as his hardness returned to its full glory right in front of my eyes.
My mouth literally watered for him. Salivating in buckets for his sweet flavor. And when I moved up to put my elbows on either side of his slender waist...he gasped with anticipation. Waiting to be bathed in my warmth again.
I lowered my wet lips on him, and sucked him slow and deep. God, I swear, he tasted even better the second time around.
Brody's other hand joined his first, and he held onto my head as his hips bucked in time with my motions. I could tell that he was still extremely 'touchy' from the way he would squirm involuntarily every time my tongue dragged across the rim of his circumcised tip. It would twitch and throb in my mouth...attempting to release more nectar when it was already spent. But I loved his little spasms. I loved his whimpers. And just knowing that I was able to bring joy to a boy who had practically saved what was left of my pathetic LIFE...it made the whole world seem 'good' again.
I remember my heart practically bursting as I suddenly found myself in a 'fever', sucking Brody harder as my emotions pushed me to flood him with as much love and worship as I could possibly give him. Brody's trembling body responded by nearly twisting itself away from my hungry lips, but I followed him no matter which way he turned, and I kept going. Locking my elbows around him to hold him steady. And then...with a strained squeal, Brody's hips thrust upward and lifted his adorable ass off of the mattress as he experienced his second orgasm of the day. Less than five minutes after his last one. It was a considerably smaller offering than last time, but it seemed much sweeter to the taste. Only a squirt or two before the rest dribbled out and was sucked down my throat with an excited whimper of my own.
Brody was holding his breath at first, and when he finally was forced to exhale, his butt collapsed back down to the mattress, and his whole body seemed to release all of its tension at once. His heavy breathing was music to my ears, and I would have continued to suckle at his delicious length, but his poor body had literally been overwhelmed from the stimulation. Worn out. Now entering a level of blissful sensitivity that was almost painful for him to endure. I felt him trying to gather enough strength in his arms to pull me off of him, and I let his deflating muscle slip from my sucking lips with a gentle slurp. I watched as it softened, and fell limp to the side to rest on his thigh. I placed a sweet kiss on his stomach, just above his silken patch of pubic hairs, and Brody breathlessly whispered my name.
He made an effort to pull me up, and I got to my knees to crawl up and lay at his side. He never opened his eyes. His lips simply reached out to find my own, and he kissed me hungrily as our tongues wrestled with one another in the most intimate way imaginable. My baby. My boyfriend. My life. My breath. He was all that and more. It was frightening. Because I suddenly realized that I, now, had sooooo much to lose. Just by being....
I don't know how much time had passed, as our connection had become timeless with every simple touch and every sensational kiss shared between us. But when our eyes opened again...staring at one another with a smile...I knew that the time didn't really matter. Not at all. As long as we got to spend it together...it didn't even exist! So why does it matter?
After a while, Brody gave me a sheepish look, and he said, "I'm sorry. God, you didn't even take your pants off yet."
I was confused at first. I have to admit that I didn't really expect any reciprocation at all from him. To be totally honest, I was kinda 'satisfied' with just making him happy. That was enough to truly fill my heart with enough unrestricted joy to last me for WEEKS at a time! But once he connected his moist lips to mine once again...I suddenly realized that there was MORE to this sex thing than just him getting pleasured by the boy who worshipped the ground he stood on. Even if he wasn't....um...standing.
I felt him begin to fumble with the button on my pants as he tried to concentrate on his handiwork and kissing me at the same time. Having him touch me anywhere CLOSE to my privates was almost enough to make me shoot off again. But it was at that moment that I realized that I had kinda made a 'sexy mess' of myself...and I just....I didn't want that to be a part of the first time he 'saw' me, you know?
All kinds of extremely naughty thoughts ran through my head, and some of them were really fun! Honestly, they were! Hehehe...
...As he actually got the button open, and the mess was just kinda 'there'....I found myself pulling away from his seductively kissable lips! I was really wet and sticky down there now, and it was actually kinda 'cold' to the touch. I scooted my hips back, and Brody looked me in the eyes. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"I....I uhhh..." I said, a mild panic rushing into me as I fought for an excuse that wouldn't embarrass the shit out of me. "...Can you just...give me a second? Just...um...just a....yeah..." I quickly got up from his bed, still hard as a rock, and feeling a bit of a 'squish' I quickly walked out of his room and to the bathroom.
Shit....shit shit shit! I closed the door behind me and looked around for a moment, unsure of what the hell to do. Ok...think Zack. THINK! Don't be such a dumbass all the time! Stupid! So STUPID! Why did I even come over here? I'm gonna ruin EVERYTHING! And he's gonna HATE me! He deserves to hate me! I suck! EVERYTHING about me sucks! I just...I can't believe I...
I don't know what it was that changed inside of me at that moment. Perhaps it was me catching sight of myself in the mirror, looking into my reflection's eyes for what felt like the first time. But whatever it was, a revelation had hit me all of a sudden like a lightning bolt from the sky. I could just...feel the downward spiral happening again. The hopelessness, the pain, the anger. That worthless feeling was beginning to swallow me up all over again...telling me that I was ugly. Telling me that I was no good. Telling me that everything I ever did was bound to fail miserably. And all because of the simple fact that I was this complete waste of space, unworthy of even basic respect...much less something as grand as true love. My inner voice was determined to snatch that happiness away from me before I ever laid hands on it, along with anything else that dared to make me smile.
But...for those few seconds...looking at myself in that mirror, my hair still a bit chaotic from having Brody's loving fingers running through it over and over again...I realized that it wasn't MY inner voice talking to me at all. It was my father's. It was more than just the constant beatings and the threats and daily intimidation that he brought to my world. It was this self destructive 'seed' that he had planted inside of me that was doing the most damage. So deeply that I hardly recognized the source of my misery anymore. The pain was always so overwhelming, the insecurities so corrosive to my confidence and spirit...that I never thought to question its orders before. Instead...much like with the beatings themselves...I just curled up in a tight little ball, and I accepted it as a part of who I am. I invited it in...and allowed it to stay.
Brody was the first person who ever provided me a glimpse of an alternative. Brody was the only one who made me feel...'beautiful'. And 'special'. And 'worthy' of ANYTHING. And right now...he's in that other room, completely naked...and WAITING for me to come back so that he can prove it to me. Without being asked. I think Brody's the first person that I didn't have to exhaust myself trying to 'impress' before. No matter what I do wrong...no matter how fucked up I am...he just KEEPS on encouraging me to stay at his side. He just loves me more and more with every minute that passes us by. And I just....I CAN'T understand it!!!!
Because I never did anything to earn this kind of luck in my life. This level of beauty is reserved for someone who really matters in this world. And Brody...sighhhh....he's the only one who can transform me into that chosen boy. He's the only one that makes my every breath worthwhile. Despite all my MANY wounds in this life...he loves me anyway. God....what am I going to do with the 'gift' you've given me? How am I EVER going to say 'thank you' in a way that isn't insulting? This is more than I can handle. I wish I was ready....I wish I could handle this.
"Zack?" Came a voice from the other side of the door.
"Yeah?" I said quietly, my breath almost caught in my throat from the fear of disappointing him, yet again.
"Are you ok?" He asked. "I mean...if I did something wrong...? If this was too fast or anything...?"
I JUMPED for the bathroom door, and yanked it open! It surprised the shit out of him, and his eyes widened as I lunged forward and quickly crushed my lips up against his! I let it linger for a second or two, and then pulled back...leaving the poor boy staring at me in shock and amazement. "No! You're perfect! I love you!" I said, and then backed up and practically slammed the bathroom door in his face!
I had to stare at the door myself for a second....as did Brody, because I didn't hear him move at all. Then I realized what I had just done...and while I might have cursed myself a thousand times for being such a NERD before...this time all I could do was....laugh.
I tried to picture the look on Brody's face, and the whole action of me jumping on him the way I just did, and then both of us staring confused at both sides of this stupid door...and I started to giggle to myself uncontrollably. I put my hand over my mouth, but I couldn't hold it back. Hahaha....what the hell am I DOING??? "Hehehe...ummmm....Brody? I'll be out in a sec. K? Promise."
"Oh.....k...." He said. Hahaha! He must have been so LOST at that moment! And that only made me laugh harder. Thank goodness, he heard me snickering under my breath, and I heard him giggle a bit too. "You're so...WEIRD! Hurry up!" And that's when I heard him walk away from the door.
You see? I'm being a total SPAZ...and he loves me regardless. He's, like....the 'one', you know? The one person that I can actually...allow access to what was left of my true heart. He didn't expect anything at all. Ever. Just...me, and the comfort of my virginal kisses against his lips.
Oh wait...actually...I'm not really a total 'virgin' anymore, am I? OMIGOD!!! We're like...having....*SEX* right now! How did I not really...'notice' that before??? No...I mean, I noticed, but I didn't pay any attention to the significance of it! I mean....I just....oh God...he wants MORE! He's waiting! And I'm a mess! Arrrgh, I've been in here daydreaming like an idiot while he's been all....hard and....UGH!!!! Ok, I gotta go back in there! Gotta go now!
WAIT!!! NOT NOW! First, I've gotta clean up!
I opened my pants all the way and let them drop to my ankles. Then I 'peeled' my boxers open, and saw the big sticky splash inside. I think I made a face for a second while staring at it, feeling helpless as to what to do with myself. I tried to force my brain to concentrate on the matter at hand, and it seemed to untangle itself as I reached for the toilet paper roll and got a decent handful of it. I began to wipe my penis off as quickly as I could without, you know...'hurting' anything. Then I tried to wipe out the inside of my boxers, but that was just...um...dumb. Like he's not gonna know what happened. DUH! I thought for a second, and then took my pants off all the way, and stepped out of my boxer shorts. Wait...he's gonna think I came over here with no underwear on or something. Does that make me look, like....freaky or something? No. No, what am I talking about? Hehehe, that's dumb! Ok, forget what I was just thinking. I'm...I'm going back in.
No WAIT!!! Wait....
I went over to the sink, and I ran some warm water over my hands, then lathered it up with the bar of soap in the dish next to the faucet. Then I made sure to wash myself off really good. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here, but if he wants to like....'suck' on me...I don't want him tasting old cold sperm. Hahaha, God! I'm being a dork, aren't I? Hehehe, so what? This is my Brody! He's worth a little madness!
I stood there, naked in Brody's bathroom, for another two or three minutes, soaping up my boner and balls and all surrounding areas. Then I rinsed it off, and dried it with the clean side of my boxer shorts. I wasn't really sure what to do with my underwear once I was done...but after looking around me for a bit, I just shoved them into my pocket, fixed my hair in the mirror, and prepared to go see my.....
Sighhhhh....God, I love saying that.
I went back to Brody's room, peeking my head around the door. Omigod, he was still naked! He was like...laying on his back on top of his covers, his smooth creamy legs spread, and sorta looking at a magazine. I think I'm gonna remember that vision for the rest of my LIFE!
"Hey..." I said softly, and Brody practically 'tossed' the magazine to the side as he saw me come back in. I had my boxers wadded up in my back pocket, hoping that he wouldn't see.
He immediately sat up and gave me a little grin. "You're back. Cool." He said. "I didn't know if I should...or if we were, like...'done' or whatever."
"Oh..." I said. "I mean, if you wanna stop..."
"I don't wanna stop!" He blurted out, and then said, "Unless...you wanna stop...?"
I blushed a bit, feeling a ferocious series of bone rattling quakes building up in my chest...and I sat down on the bed next to him. I silently shook my head, and even though I was PARALYZED with fear at the moment...I managed to awkwardly place my hand on his leg. I smiled a him, more from nervousness than anything else...and I slowly let my hand travel, palm down, along the soft milky warmth of his skin. I could see him growing hard as I got closer to my goal. Then I wrapped my fingers around it, feeling its heat, reveling in its silky texture. God....it was soooo cool.
I made the mistake of looking up into Brody's eyes, and when he grinned at me, I trembled and burst out with a few unrestricted giggles. "Hehehe...it's uhh...warm."
"I think it likes you." He said. I gave it a stroke or two, and I was SO eager to taste it again. But when I started leaning forward, Brody stopped me. "Unh unh...no way. It's your turn."
I froze for a second. "M-M-My turn?"
Brody nodded, and he touched the front of my pants. "I wanna see you." He said, just above a whisper. "Is that ok?"
"Ummm...yeah." I said, my voice shaking. "Yeah...of course. I just...yeah.." I said, and after a short pause, I stood up on shaky legs to unfasten the front of my pants.
A million thoughts began to spin around in my head at the speed of light, almost making me dizzy from head to toe. I almost lost balance when I first got to my feet...and I struggled with the mind boggling variety of fearful questions that had suddenly all came crushing down on me at once. What if he doesn't like me 'down there'? What if he thinks I'm ugly? What if I'm not big enough? What if he has more hair than me? I think he's bigger than me. No....no maybe we're the same size. I don't know. Did I wash it enough? Maybe I should go back and do it again. What may have been only a few seconds of hesitation was like an eternity of self torture for me. But my need to make Brody happy overpowered the need to hide behind this one little layer of fabric.
I was facing him at first, and he was watching me sooooo intently. He was staring right at my hands as they lowered the zipper, and it made me even MORE self conscious. My whole body was taken over by a virginal shiver, and I sorta turned around to lower my pants to the floor...and step out of them. I knew that he could see my bare ass, but for some reason, that didn't seem as bad. I sat back down on the covers, and took a deep breath before I laid back and rolled towards him to show him what he had been waiting to see.
I KNOW that I was blushing deeply, because my whole face felt hot. I almost wanted to close my eyes so I didn't have to see the expression on his face. Just in case it was bad. I think he could see my discomfort, because he scooted closer to me, and he lifted my chin slightly to kiss me on the lips. His kiss was so soft. So tender. So meaningful. And as I sat there breathless, his hand sliding down my naked side to land on the cheek of my ass...he whispered, "You're beautiful."
I opened my eyes as he scooted even closer, his body touching mine, our legs sliding forward to wrap around each other. And he kissed me again. "Really?" I said, still shaking.
"Uh huh..." He smiled, and kissed me even deeper this time, his tender fingertips finding my hardness, and giving it a few slow strokes. I gasped so hard that it broke our kiss, and my stomach sucked itself inward as the feeling of his hand on me created a powerful tremor in me that made it hard to breathe. He stopped, and looked into my eyes. "Is this ok?" He asked.
"Yes. It's...it's awesome. I'm sorry. I'm so...stupid, I just..."
"Shhhh...hehehe!" He said, and kissed me again. My hardness jumped, and began to leak a little in his palm. He looked down at it, then back up at me with a smile. "I think yours likes me too." All I could do was blush and giggle...and I felt GOOFY for it, but...Brody made it soooo easy to accept myself. It was hard to feel ugly with a boy of his beauty kissing me this way. And at one point he said, "Wow...it's gone."
I was a bit confused. "What's gone?"
"All that...pain. That sadness and misery that you're always trying to hide from the rest of us. Heh...for the first time, I'm looking into your eyes...and it's gone."
"Oh..." I said. "Is that, like...bad, or...?"
"No way. It's beautiful. It's soooo beautiful." He said with another kiss on the lips. I hope so. He's probably the only person to ever see me with my guard completely down since the first time my father wrapped his hands around my throat and squeezed. And I'll be honest, it's the scariest experience of my life, trying to open up wide enough to let a feeling THIS big inside. But...for Brody, I'm gonna try. For him...I'll try.
I felt the pressure of Brody's lips increase, and my body naturally did what it could to keep up. The taste of him. Wow. His hands had such a delicate touch. My skin was practically vibrating with the feel of his flesh against mine. And as our kissing became more passionate, we began to slowly roll back and forth on his bed. I couldn't believe how good it felt to just 'let go'. Stripped down to my bare necessities, helpless against the merciless rush of emotion, I was forced to give up the mask. Forced to give up the pain. Forced out of hiding to present myself as I truly am. And it was like being born again. Expressing a side of me that was lost a long time ago, even to me.
Brody sucked at my neck as he laid on top of me, his naked hips humping me slowly as I wrapped my legs around him and whimpered from the sensation. I could barely catch my breath. My hands holding onto his smooth backside, feeling it flex as his warm breath tickled the nape of my neck. I was free. Totally free.
I didn't tense up until I felt his angel soft kisses beginning to slide lower. Down to my collar bone. Landing gently on my nipples. Down my abdomen, and just over my navel. And then....lower still.
My mind wanted to stop it. My body ACHED for it. But my soul was playing the unbiased mediator, and tried to quiet the chaos in my head just long enough to enjoy what was to come next.
Brody wasted no time...and as I closed my eyes, feeling them roll back in my head, I felt this extremely warm, wet, sensation slide sensually over the head of my throbbing length...and slide further and further down my shaft. My hips lifted themselves off of the bed while I tried not to cry out in passion. I sucked in a deep breath, and held it for as long as I could...as Brody dragged his sweet lips back up to the top again. I felt his unimaginably soft tongue slithering ever so slightly around me, and as he went down for a second suck...I found my legs squirming involuntarily from the feel of it. I gripped the sheets tightly with both fists, afraid that I was going to do something to ruin this feeling. Afraid that I was somehow going to screw up this moment if I did so much as breathe. So I just...'held on for dear life'.
It was sooooo wet. My GOD! His tongue made me feel so slippery. I thought I was gonna slide right out of my own skin. And even though I tried really REALLY hard to hold it...Brody's mouth just felt too good on me to keep from cumming almost instantly. He felt me tense up, and actually began to suck harder. My legs kicked out in both directions, and my stomach became rock hard as I tried to keep the fluids from rushing up for as long as I possibly could! Just ONE more second! PLEASE? Just one more! Just....just one...
I came hard, my whole body twisting in orgasmic bliss. Seeing stars as my heartbeat raced and Brody eagerly swallowed my second explosion of the day. For this one moment, everything felt right. Everything felt sane. I've never known a feeling like this. Not ever.
Brody kissed his way back up my body, and then laid next to me with a smile as he waited for me to open my eyes again. I heard a little laugh escape those pretty lips of his, and I gave him a weird look. "Dude...hehehe, did you wash your dick in my bathroom sink?" He asked, laughing again.
"Wha...? NO!" I said, but he just kept staring at me, giggling. "What?" His laughs got worse. "Ok...so? I mean...I didn't WASH it. I just kinda...I mean it was just a little water. And a little...soap..."
"Yeah, that's called washing it, you dork! Hehehehe!" He said, and I have to admit, when I thought about it, it did seem kinda silly. So it made me chuckle a bit myself.
"Sorry. That was stupid, huh? I just...I wanted to be...'good' for you. I didn't want this day to go wrong..."
"This day COULDN'T have gone wrong." He said, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "And it couldn't have gone any better either." I looked away from him and began to feel a little...I don't know, embarrassed. But Brody sad, "It's ok. I think it's adorable that you worry about...well, just about EVERYTHING! Hehehe! But it's a part of who you are. And I love EVERY part of who you are. Ok?" He waited for me to smile and nod my head, and before another breath was taken between us, our lips were connected again. And our bodies slid back into a locked position. It was heaven. Heaven on Earth.
I could tell you that Brody and I spent the rest of the day having hot passionate sex again and again...but that wouldn't be the truth. In fact, he spent a lot of time just holding me in his arms. Telling me how soft my skin was, and how happy he was that we had a chance to be together like this. He told me that he couldn't get over how beautiful I was. He told me how much he liked me from the first time he saw me at Adam's house. I never felt so wanted before. All I could do was wiggle in closer and whine playfully into his shoulder. God, I hope I wasn't being too weird for him. I just didn't know what else to do. I'm not really use to compliments. They're kind of a strange thing to deal with when said with such sincerity. Makes me feel...'selfish' or something. Ugh! I need my head examined.
It was a depressing experience, having to get dressed again. I just wanted to be close to Brody for the rest of my life. I didn't want to let him go. The world seemed ooooo cold without his body heat to help keep me warm. But it might have been hard to explain to his mom why her son was curled up naked next to another boy in bed. I just couldn't stop kissing him. Every chance I got. When it came time to actually walk towards the front door, I felt myself almost being on the verge of tears. I actually began to sniffle a bit, and turned away from the door to hug Brody tightly around the neck. Please don't let me go. Please? Don't send me back home. I HATE it there. I hate EVERYTHING that exists outside of this embrace. After today...I don't know if I'll be able to stand it anymore. I had accepted it before. I felt I was worth no more than the dismal existence that my continuous abuse could provide. But now...I know there's more! There's soooo much more! And it's here....with the boy I love.
When the first tears began to fall, Brody noticed a change in the feel of my hug, and as I began to cling to him desperately, he asked me, "Zack? Zack, what's wrong? What happened?"
He tried to pull away, but I only held on tighter, keeping my crying eyes over his shoulder where I hoped he wouldn't see. "Don't let me go. O-o-ok?" I sniffled. "Please...just hold me for a little while? I'm sorry. I'm soooo sorry, just...just..." I began to break down, and instead of pushing me off of him like he probably should have...I felt his loving arms slide around my waist and give me a tight squeeze. "I'm sorry, Brody..." I repeated as I tried to stop the waterworks on my own. Where was my mask? Why couldn't I get it back? I had been protecting my secrets for soooo long....why am I suddenly so 'broken'?
"It's ok, baby. It's ok." He whispered, and he held me in his arms until I felt guilty and silly enough to let him go. "Are you ok?" He said, holding my face in his hands, and using his thumbs to wipe the tears from my eyes.
I could have told him. I could have said something. But as the reality of it all set in, I reached up to take his hands down and took a step backwards. I couldn't stay forever. I'd have to go home eventually. And 'Daddy' would be waiting. "I love you, Brody."
He seemed a bit stunned by the words, but he came forward to kiss me on the lips before saying, "I love you too, Zack! Oh GOD, I love you too!" But...I didn't let it last. I pulled away. The sooner I get back to my life, the easier it'll be to take. Today was amazing, and I wouldn't change a thing about it. But if I was going to survive, I needed to rebuild the walls that Brody could so easily tear down. And I needed to start now.
"I'll see you soon." I said, fixing myself up enough to go back outside.
Brody ran to the door. "Call me tonight! Ok? Please? Just...let me know you're ok!"
"I'll...I'll try." I said sadly, not knowing if my father would even allow that. Or if I'd even be in good enough 'shape' to call once he got a hold of me for what I did with the basement.
"Do you want me to come with you? Hold on, I'll get my shoes..."
"No, really. I'm fine. K? I'll see you Monday. And I'll try to call. Promise." Distance. That's what I need now. Distance.
But for what it's worth, Brody...you've become my cure for life itself. And no matter what happens to me in the end, I'm forever grateful for having known a love soooo real. Thank you. With all my heart...