Never Regret Yesterday
This is a story of friendship, commitment, love and trust. It is not a sex story. However, this story deals with love between two male teenagers. If you are offended by stories involving love between two teenage boys, please do not read this story. There will be some sex scenes in this story; however, sex is not the main theme.
If you are under age 18 or 21 or it is illegal to read this story where you live, don't read it. tlc_TLC_uk-Stories:Trust retains copyright to this story. Reproducing this story for distribution without the owner's permission is a violation of that copyright.
Yo, peeps! Well, perhaps most of you will think that I'm an ass. I guess I probably am. But you need to know the truth.
I hope this change in writing style doesn't irk you guys too much. Sam's the real writer, he's the one with the real talent of expressing himself with words. I've learned so much from him these last two years plus.
I want to thank all of you who have written to us telling us how much you enjoyed our story.
I want to thank Old JW - John is the most awesome dude.
The last chapter was at first really bad, but because of him we changed it to a really beautiful story. Despite his busy schedule he takes the time to help. Not just us, but lots of other people. He is the epitome of a real friend. I know John you will be disappointed in me, but I also know that if I ever need help you'll be the first to volunteer. And I know that you will never make me wrong for what I do even though you may seriously disapprove of the way I have done this.
To those who are disappointed in this story please know that John's own life though I don't know it fully is a true real life love story (he and Albert have been together for forty years! And their love is still going strong!).
So to those who are still searching for that special person and wonder if it is possible know that it is! John has proven that to me.
To all those people who read our story and did not write us but still enjoyed the story - Thanks. Thanks for being there; thanks listening two wild teens that are madly in love. Thanks for letting me express my most inner feelings and fears.
The rest of this chapter of my life I have written as a letter to Sam…
My Dearest Sam,
First of all, I love you and I always will.
You are and will always be a part of me. You've only been good for me and my life has been made better. I am a better person for having known and loved you. You have touched my life like no one else has.
Please forgive me for using a public form to tell you all this stuff, but it was your idea to write this story and you who encouraged me to use this forum to express those things I felt and wanted to express openly to everyone. It has helped. It has helped me to sort out some of my confusions.
I know you love me. I know I love you, but I still can't deal with being gay. I still deep down inside of me don't want to be this way. I feel torn in two or more directions. It's hard to explain; something is just not right with me.
It's like, as an analogy, you have a bugged program; it's working almost right, but there's something wrong. It's not computing correctly, the answers are almost correct but they are still wrong.
You try to find the problem to fix it and you just can't quite find the right piece of code that makes sense and makes everything work correctly and in harmony.
I feel like that program.
I've tried saying "Well, I'm gay and that's just the way things are. I didn't choose to be this way. It's just the way God made me."
It doesn't help.
I still down deep inside me feel that I'm not supposed to be this way. Being gay is not something I want to be. I find it hard to believe that if there is a God that he could be so hateful as to make me like this.
I've thought it might have been because of Brooker, but then I realized that I felt this way before going to school here. I felt it every since I first realized I was attracted to boys.
I've tried writing some of my feelings, especially how I feel about you hence this story.
And yet I'm still bugged.
Reading the emails people wrote us although I really appreciated the compliments on our writing skills made me feel like such a liar. Not because of the love we shared but because they seemed to have dealt with their homosexuality and I haven't.
You see I want to be a parent someday. I want to have my own kids. I want to be accepted by society in general not looked upon as being some freak of nature which I feel right now I am. I'm tired of running around pretending to be normal and I'm tired of not being normal.
I know from our talks that you seem to have accepted your sexuality and you seem to be quite happy to live your life as a gay person. You are so much stronger than I.
I find myself wishing I were you because you are such a fantastic person, who is so easy to love, respect and admire.
I've decided to drop out of school. Yeah, I know, it's a stupid thing to do. I think breaking up with you is hard enough for me and will be for you, but I know you will find somebody else (maybe Tommy - you always said he's a hottie). It would tear me up to see you with someone else. Am I nuts? I guess I am …sort of a 'gotta-have-you-but-can't-have-you' feeling… Well, I'm not going to college so what the heck.
I'm going to the UK and Europe for a while. Maybe go to India.
I was chatting to someone the other day and they recommended a self-help book about the mind and it sounded like it might help. I read the first chapter and it sounds like it may help me. Well, I'm going to read it while I travel.
Of course, I'm taking my laptop so I can keep in touch (if you want) and continue to work. I've got a new email address (firstname.lastname@example.org). If you want to keep in touch please do. I'm always willing to hear from you or anybody who reads this.
Life is in me today and I have to make my own tomorrows.