Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 14:26:29 -0800 (PST)
From: DE
Subject: Nothing Worth Having Is Ever Easy/Chapter 5 Bring Me to Life

Disclaimer - Everything here in is complete fiction. Any
resemblance to persons, living or dead is entirely
coincidental. All situations are a product of the authors
mind, and is not intended for those who do not like gay
fiction, nor is it intended for those under age or where
such material is not legal. Other wise, have fun and enjoy.

Author's Note at the Bottom

Nothing Worth Having is Ever Easy


Chapter 5 ~ Bring Me To Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping
somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become

now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become

(Bring me to life)
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

"Bring Me To Life ~ Evanescence (feat. Paul McCoy)

For the last week Ash had been hanging out with me, Mandy,
Adam and Taylor, and he actually fits in pretty well with
us. If he wasn't so painfully shy even around us, I have no
doubt he could have been the class clown. His sense of
humor is campy and definitely off the wall, and maybe even
a little crude at times, but it's just such a part of who
he is that I can't picture him in any other way and its
shocking to me because I would never have guessed he was
like this.

Getting him to hang out with us has been a chore in itself,
and only in the last day or so has he accepted our
invitations to go out to lunch. He's so timid and looks
like he's afraid to be seen with me and the others, and
there are times I catch him studying me, which he always
averts his gaze quickly, but I get the weirdest feeling
about it. Like on the one hand my heart leaps into my chest
and I get so excited because my dreams come back to me all
over again when I see him. I have this feeling towards him
that I seriously cannot explain while on the other hand I
feel almost like he feels the same way that I am.

Which is completely ridiculous because the whole "Ash is
Gay" thing was just Bobby Ray being a dick . . . right?

Oh speaking of the devil, the asshole was so pissed at us
he spent a week getting revenge on all of us. I WATCHED
Bobby Ray as he tripped Kyle after practice, making him
bust his arm, and I saw Bobby Ray steal Adam's homework for
Chemistry, so Adam got an F on the assignment. For Adam
that was awful because even though he's a football Jock,
the guy is as smart as any of the so-called "nerds" and his
grades are more important to him except playing ball. I
won't even go into the things he's done to the others
because I have no way to prove it, but I know the slippery
bastard is behind it.

Bobby Ray hasn't said a thing to me (not that I cared at
this point because I was generally ignoring him) and so far
as I know nothing to Mandy or Ash, though I doubt Ash would
tell us anything right now given how shy he is. But Bobby
Ray loves to glare at me now and I could have sworn the
other day he looked like he wanted to beat my ass when he
saw my arm around Ash's shoulders. It looked like he was
seriously pissed because I was paying attention to Ash.

It hadn't been my intention to get Bobby Ray knocked off
the team, that was the Coach's call, but I can't say I was
really sad about it. I mean don't get me wrong, being 1st
Quarter back kicks ass (and by extension I'm now the
Captain) but it wasn't what I was going after. I simply
asked the coach to talk to Bobby Ray about his attitude. I
would have loved to tell him about Bobby Ray tripping Kyle
but I didn't think I'd be believed, so I kept that little
tid-bit to myself.

So one day after practice the two of them were talking in
the office while the rest of us was in the showers. At
first none of us paid it any attention, but then we heard
raised voices and the next thing we know, Bobby Ray stomped
out screaming "FUCK YOU COACH!" and then he was storming
out of the locker room. You could have heard a pin drop
from the silence that followed, but slowly every one went
back to rinsing off.

Now something I gotta mention here. Before this whole thing
with Ash, and especially the dreams about him (which by the
way, were all the same as before, only there was a lot more
kissing and cuddling afterwards with me holding him as he
falls asleep) I never took a second glance at my teammates.
But now I found myself noticing them and I mean in a
serious sexual way. It was uncanny the way I was noticing
the different shapes and sizes, the different body types,
but none of them made me hard.

When I thought about Ash, damn now that was a whole other
story. I got so hard it hurt when I saw him and I ended up
wearing my Jock strap instead of boxers, that way it
couldn't be noticed. The problem with the other guys was
that none of them were Ash; with his lithe frame and
adorable face, those eyes you could just stare into for
hours and his whole demeanor made you want to hold him and
never let go.

All these thoughts only helped confuse me, because I found
myself wanting to just be around him. He was so funny when
we were off at lunch and he was only around me, Mandy,
Taylor and Adam. The guy has got a wicked -- if not off beat --
sense of humor and the way he says things is too funny to
try and explain. The way I felt about him, and more
importantly around him, was unlike anything I'd ever felt
for Mandy and that only confused me more because I didn't
know what to do.

And to make matters worse, Mandy truly took a liking to
him. They shared several classes and were doing projects in
both their English and Math class together, so now they
were also talking almost every night on the phone. One
night I called Mandy and she told me she'd call me back
later because she was on the phone with Ash. But she never
called did. I wasn't to disturbed by it until the next
morning when she explained she and Ash had been on the
phone until almost midnight talking about so many different
things.

You cannot believe how jealous I was then. I wanted to
scream and punch walls because she got to talk to him and
for so long at that. But I kept my cool as best as I could,
and asked her about what they talked about, which led to me
learning a lot more about Ash than I ever could have
dreamed getting from him on his own. He was a Scorpio and
his birthday was creeping up here in the next week. His
favorite color was every kind of Blue and he loved Chinese
food. He was an avid reader and could read about a book a
day if he didn't have to go to school. I also found out his
favorite author's included Stephen King, Ann Rice, Dean
Koontz, Piers Anthony, JK Rowling and J.R.R Tolkien. I
found out he loves all kinds of music, but mostly Metal and
Hard Rock, like Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, Korn,
Evanescence and Linkin Park. But he also had a thing for
World and New Age music, so he liked Delerium (his
favorite) Enigma, Deep Forest, Enya, Loreena McKennitt and
Sarah Brightman.

What's funny is I love Chinese food, my favorite color is
Navy Blue, I like to read but not as much as he does, and
I've read most of the authors he has, and we like most of
the same music, except I'm more into Metal and Rap. I'm a
Cancer, and according to my mom, Scorpio is supposed to be
my "perfect" match. She really knows a lot about that kind
of stuff cause when she was younger she had been very into
it. Now it's against her religious beliefs to put any faith
in it. She said it had something to do with Witch Craft,
but I think it was only because my dad was in the room. His
family is almost cult-ish in their beliefs. Anything that
went against his way of thinking was basically not right,
and there for could not be done.

Mandy also told me he was an only child (like me) but his
parents both had to work a lot just to keep a roof over
their heads, so he was alone a lot. That made me feel bad
because my parents were doing really well in their lives
and did everything they could to take part in my life;
going to my games and meets, ragging on me to keep my
grades good, making me go to church every Sunday, you know,
that general parent thing.

The most important thing about Ash though, was that he
liked to write and wanted to be a published author. The
only problem he has was that he was so self conscious about
his writing he'd never let anyone read anything he'd done,
though Mandy was doing her best to try and get him to let
her read some of it. From what she said, he had some
fantastic ideas and she was blown away by just how
incredible he was -- a feeling I was beginning to feel as
well.

But again it confused me. The things I was feeling for him
where against everything I had been taught. It was against
my parent's beliefs and against my religion. How could I be
thinking these things about him? How could I want him the
way I did? If God hated it so much then why would he let
the devil put thoughts like that in my head? It made me
start questioning a lot of what I had been taught. I mean,
wasn't the devil supposed to be evil, spreading hate and
discontent? Why would he bother making me (or a gay guy or
a lesbian for that matter) fall in love with another guy?
Wasn't love the opposite of hate? Wasn't Love supposed to
be associated with God, as he's supposed to be this being
of Love and Light?

The implications of the whole thing were mind-boggling. It
made me think back to something the pastor had said a few
years ago about God making Man in his own image, and that
we were all his children. There were a lot of gays out
there who said they were born this way, that this was how
they had always felt. I couldn't say that was true for me,
because until Ash, I had never felt this way towards any
girl, let alone a guy. But then that wasn't really true. I
could remember watching porn with Bobby Ray and while
watching the woman suck off the guys was hot, now that I
thought about it more, I liked watching that more than the
guy fucking the girl -- unless it showed his ass from behind
as his cock moved in and out of her. I never thought what
that could mean until now, and when I jerked off, all of my
fantasies were about sucking Ash, or him fucking me. It was
becoming even more baffling than I had originally thought.

I just didn't understand any of it. I wanted him more and
more and yet he seemed so far away at the same time.
Because there was something else that Mandy had told me,
something that made me burry my feelings even deeper. Ash
wasn't even gay. Not that he told her, but she didn't think
so, because he didn't act like her cousin Danny is, though
I've never met him, and she said there was no way he could
ever hide it. She loved him, just like the rest of her
family, but they had a more liberal point of view than my
family, so I knew that if it came to it, telling her what I
was feeling probably wouldn't be to bad of a thing. They
were more like friends than a real couple anyway. Most
couples who had been together as long as they had usually
said "I Love You" and could be seen making out around
school during lunch, or kissing each other good bye before
classes.

But not us.

The more I thought about it, the more confused I got, and
by the next time I saw Ash I felt like I was dying inside.
There was just no way it could ever happen between us.
Because even if I really was gay, there was no way I could
risk anyone finding out about it, and the point was mute
because I was sure now, more than ever that Ash was
straight, and that made me cry my self to sleep the last
two nights.

But then again, just to be around him, to see him smile and
to hear his soft laughter, it made me feel so alive, it was
like until he came into my life, I had been hidden away
from the world and he was the one who found me and brought
me back to the world.

What am I going to do?


Author's Note:

Thank you again to everyone who has read so far. I know I
thank everyone who has emailed me two or three times, but I
can't help but feel you deserve it. The kind of support you
all have given me has been wonderful and I appreciate it so
much! (Especially Maddy {Sorry girl, I had to say it
again!}) Chapter 6 will be up tomorrow as I've been working
on this none stop for a week now. I'm almost done with
Chapter 10, but I still have to put it into the computer.

I'm going to be taking a break soon, probably after chapter
13 or 14, because I really, really, really need to finish
another project. I'm four chapters from being done with it,
andwhere chapters for this story are about 4 pages with the
song lyrics and the formatting, the chapter's for my actual
books are 10 pages of single spaced solid writing, and they
take some serious time to write. This story is going to be
my break from "reality" and I promise there will be a
chapter a week. If not its because something unforeseen has
come up as these kinds of things always do.

Copyright 2005