Date: Mon, 21 Feb 2000 13:11:51 -0500 (EST)
From: landgrave@iname.com
Subject: Now-1 (t/t)

Disclaimer:

You should know that this story may contain scenes depicting teenagers
of the same sex involved in consensual sexual relations.  Some of the
characters would be minors, if they even existed.  It may be illegal
where you live/read/think for these imaginary minors to have imaginary
sex, and it may be illegal for you as a living being to read about it.
If the sick pricks who rule your particular household, city, county,
province, nation-state, whatever, choose to define you as a child without
rights even in the solitude of your own head/pc/room/house, then you could
get nailed for even thinking about this stuff, in the event you are
careless enough to get caught.  God only knows what they will do to you.
You could be dealing with some badly fucked-up, misguided souls.  Just
pretend to cooperate.  Don't even try to understand them.

1.

Standing on the curb, waiting for Eric to pick me up, I made my
decision.  It might as well be today as any day.  If I crashed and burned,
at least there would be no witnesses.  Maybe he would say yes, or at
least not say no right away.  For the last three months, I had been
looking for a way to spend some time alone with him.  He would pick
me up on the way to school, walk in with me, and head upstairs to his
locker.  He would wait for me by his motorcycle in the parking lot, and
take me home.  Sometimes we stopped for a shake and fries on the way
back.  On Fridays I usually made him stop at the Lackluster so I could
pick up some flicks for the weekend.

I couldn't exactly ask him to sleep over.  He was a Senior; it would be
like asking him to wear a T-shirt announcing that he had no life.  It
wasn't like he had a life (as far as I could tell), but I knew he couldn't
agree to something like that anyway.  At school he hung out with a few
of his tennis buddies and their girlfriends.  I often said hi to him at
lunch, and he never shot me down in front of his friends.  He always
said 'Yo, Kevin' and gave me a big grin.  Occasionally he waved me
over to sit with them.  His friend Mark hated that.  Mark's girlfriend
Julie always gave me a hug and drooled on my shirt.  She called me
'stud', which obviously made Mark jealous.  I was pretty sure that was
why she did it.  I heard Mark refer to me once as 'Eric's mascot', which I
didn't take as a complement.

That was pretty much the extent of my relationship with Eric.  I had
manipulated him into taking me to a few R-movies since he had turned
18, but the movies usually sucked.  He never asked me why I wanted to
see whatever shitty movie the idiots who censor movies had happened to
give an R to that week, so maybe he was just as glad as I was to have an
excuse to hang out.  Or maybe he was just being nice.  Either way, I was
happy.

Of course the obvious question was, was he gay, or bi, or at all flexible?
I figured if he was, I had a pretty good shot.   He liked me.  I could tell.
And I was better looking than he was, if that mattered.  The  year before,
I had to scrape a series of clingy girls off my ass like barnacles.  I used
my 'long-distance girlfriend' card until it was just about worn out.
Naturally, I had thought about coming out, but the truth was that I was
just too lazy.  Why should I deal with all that shit when I wasn't even
getting any?  Only a couple of very ugly (yeah, they were nice) guys
were out at my school, so the incentive wasn't really there.  I knew about
the domino theory, but I wasn't sure it applied here.

My friend Jake knew about me.  I told him in a moment of weakness, or
stupidity, or inspiration, and he surprised me by being ok with it.  He
didn't reciprocate, though.  I think I was secretly hoping he would.  Not
that I would have jumped him anyway.  He was pretty fine, in the 'boy-
next-door' way, but he didn't turn me on.  Even in my horniest moments,
I couldn't imagine doing anything with Jake.  Sure, he smelled great, but
that was about as far as the attraction went.  Even though he was just
fine, great body, nice face, classic smile, everything, I had never
thought of him that way, so I guess there must have been some kind of
taboo.

Eric was late.  I could usually set my clock by him, which was one of
the things I loved about him.  He never made me wait.  He never left me
hanging.  He always called when something came up.  A couple of times
when he had to leave school early he came and pulled me out of class to
let me know what was up.  I loved that.  He made my parents look bad.
Nobody else treated me that way.

When he pulled up and took off his helmet, I could see his hair was a
mess.  His T-shirt looked like it had been slept in.  He flashed me his
trademark grin and gave me a fairly lame high-five.

'Sorry I'm late.  I overslept bigtime.'

'Yeah I can see that.  You look like shit.'

It wasn't true.  He looked the same, whatever he did with himself.
Everything fit.  He wasn't a movie star, but somehow whatever angle I
looked at him from, he looked great.  The better I got to know him, the
more his looks just killed me in a way I couldn't begin to explain.  He
was a couple of inches taller than me, with a medium build, like mine,
and a v-shaped back which totally turned me on, especially on the bike.
I could see his tan through his T-shirt.

Before I got on the bike, he always made me wear his helmet.  Now I
could take that several different ways.  Maybe he didn't like to wear the
damn thing anyway, and just wore it to please his mother.  Maybe he
was trying to look out for me.  Maybe he figured it was better for both
of us if no one could see my face while I had my hands all over him.
And no matter how blatantly I groped him, he never said a word about
it.  Still, it wasn't like I was going to rape him right there on the
bike, in the middle of traffic.  But at least I got a cheap thrill.

'I gotta stop and get some coffee, d'you mind?'

'Yeah, first you keep me waiting, then you make me follow your sorry
ass into Starfuck's.  What's with that?'

'I need a caffeine hit, like, yesterday, or I'm gonna fall over.'

'Whatever.  Like caffeine could do anything for you.'

'Hey, I take what I can get.'

'Sure you do.'

I was still in the 'up' phase of the infatuation.  It was still a rush
for me to be around him.  I almost convinced myself that I could sense
the blood making its way through the maze of my bloodstream.  It was like
a phantom-limb thing.  I was totally aware of the space around my body,
and of his space, which wasn't quite mine.  Whatever curve was coming
at me, I was ready for it.  I just wanted to lean into the curve with him,
and feel our shared center of gravity heel the bike over in the wind.

When we got to Starfuck's, both registers were lined up back to the
fashion magazines, and the snitty girl at the counter was drawing lates
off like she had all the time in the world, which she probably did.  The
lines were full of balding twenty-something med students in pastel lab-
coats and bitchy-looking middle-aged male nurses dressed in white
battle fatigues.  The guy in front of us, though, didn't fit into either
category.  He was dressed to run, and literally dripping with sweat.  He
looked about 6'3, at least 4 inches taller than Eric, and had short blonde
hair buzzed in back.  While he was waiting to order, he glanced over his
shoulder at Eric, winked at him, and said hey.

Eric smiled and said hey back, and then looked away.  At this point my
early-warning systems were lighting up all over the board, and I was
hanging somewhere between very pissed-off and totally focused on
what was or wasn't happening right in front of me.  Supposedly Eric had
broken up with his girlfriend over the summer, and rumor had it that she
had no idea why.  Could this be why?  Why hadn't he told me?  I did
everything but dry-hump him every day on his bike, and he couldn't
even confide in me.

I was so dazed I couldn't even order my half-assed coffee right, and the
snitty bitch glared at me like she was about to crawl over the counter
and shove a straw up my nose.  Eric appeared slightly amused by this,
and said that he was paying for Mr. I-don't-know-what-I-want, too.  The
girl just about wet herself laughing at his lame joke, like she'd finally
met the good-humor man, and he was hers.  Then she put her evil
everyday face back on to help the next customer.

We sat down and waited for our coffee to materialize, but didn't talk
much.  I was still trying to evaluate my chances of sidetracking the
blonde god long enough to trick Eric into sleeping with me, and Eric
was apparently preoccupied too.  I asked myself if I really wanted to
know what he was thinking, and looked away.  I felt that I had been
pretty blatant about what I wanted from him, and I had conned myself
into thinking that since he didn't outright reject my sleazy advances
at least a part of him must have wanted that too.  Now I wasn't sure.

I admitted to myself that I was conceited, but I couldn't believe that he
liked guys and yet wasn't attracted to me.  I had always done whatever I
wanted with the girls who were supposed to be hot, until last year when
they stopped saying no at the critical moment.  Then I fucked some very
nice girls and beat myself to pieces because it didn't mean anything to
me.  I enjoyed myself, but that was about all.  I didn't fall in.  I knew I
was playing with fire, so I walked away.  It was better to tell them a
story they'd have to be stupid to believe, and let it go at that.  No one
had ever turned me away.

So maybe he had a thing for tall blonde gods.  Who doesn't?  I wasn't
done growing yet, and I was a *real* blonde.  We obviously worshipped
at the same shrine, but he wasn't paying attention.  I tried to
remember a time when he had actually come on to me as opposed to just
being extra nice, and I couldn't think of anything he had done that could
have led me on like this.  Who was I kidding, if he had come on to me I
would have got us both off before he finished the sentence.  The whole
thing was just a sick fantasy I had been clinging to for way too long
already.

'Kev, what's with you?  Drink up.  We're gonna miss second period.'

'Who gives a shit.'

I couldn't look at him.  I had no idea where the fucking coffee had come
from, it just appeared out of thin air.  As the sweaty blonde guy was
heading for the door he tipped an imaginary hat at Eric, who nodded
back at him.  When I saw that out of the corner of my eye, I just
crumbled inside.  What was the point?  It wasn't failure weighing down
on me, because I was used to that.  Even when my fist was pressing into
the small of Eric's back, on the bike, my thumb hooked through his belt-
loop, failure was never very far away.  What crushed me was how much
I still needed this shit.  Even the pathetic hope I had to lie to myself
to halfway believe in wasn't mine anymore, and I wanted it back.

'Kev, what's going on?  You're scaring me now.'

I just fixed him with a glare right between his eyes and said, 'No, you're
scaring me.'

'Let's go, we have to talk.  Now.'  He stood up and looked down at me
expectantly.

I didn't move.  Out in the street, the traffic was lazily making its way
toward the empty-headed freeway that would take the poor fools back to
work or to school.  The sun was out, but it wasn't miserably hot yet.
You could still breathe out there, if it wasn't for the smog.  I knew
I had made a big mistake.  Now I would have to give up something.  I would
have to give him something, or make something up and then give him that.
I had to think quick, but I just couldn't focus.  I didn't love him.  It
was a crush.  He was a nice guy, so I liked him a lot.  We touched each
other a hell of a lot more than we had to, and that had confused me.  I
was still confused, but not about that.  What could I say or do now that
wouldn't fuck everything up?

Then he jerked me to my feet and started to drag me out the door.  I
didn't have the heart to fight it.  He knew where he was taking me, but I
didn't care.  I just wanted it to finish before I hurled.  The snitty bitch
obviously poisoned my coffee.  I had it coming to me.  I didn't know the
first thing about Starfuck's.  I avoided the places like the plague, but
they just kept erupting like fresh boils all over town.  He got on the bike,
and I climbed on behind him.  I kept my hands on his shoulders, but I
wasn't really holding on.  A gust of wind could have knocked me off at
any moment.

When we stopped at the stop-light next to the park across from school,
I slid off and crept over onto the grass and knelt down and heaved.
Absolutely nothing.  I really wanted to hurl, but I couldn't.  My
stomach was sending me some contradictory signals, and I was trying
to comply, but nothing came out.  I felt Eric's hand on the back of my
neck, and heard him tell me to just let it out.  And then I did.  It still
bore a strong resemblance to the shit I had eaten for breakfast.  Just
looking at it made me want to puke again.

He managed to get me to my feet and steer me over to a bench, and I sat
down on it with my head between my knees.  He put his hand on my
back.  I paid no attention to it.  I was begging myself not to get sucked
back in.

'Dude, if you think this is gonna get you out of our little talk, you're
way wrong.'

'Yeah, well.'

'Feel better?'

'Sure, it's all relative.'

'So spill it.'

'Already did.'

'Yeah, so you're clever.  But maybe not as clever as you think.'

'I don't even know what you're talking about.'

'You know exactly what I'm talking about.  And I know exactly what
you're thinking about, I just don't know what you're thinking about it.'

That surprised me.  I looked up at him.  'What's that supposed to
mean?'

'Look, I saw the way you reacted to Keith, and I want to know why.'

'Who the fuck is Keith?  Do I know Keith?  What the fuck has Keith got
to do with anything?'

'Don't play dumb, Kev.  I'm never gonna buy that.  Just come clean.  It
won't kill you.'

'You don't know the first thing about it.'

He looked away really quickly, and I examined his face.  It looked
hurt now, and pretty angry.  He was losing patience fast.

'So you want to leave it like that, huh?'  He sounded disappointed.  I
tried not to look at him, but I couldn't help it.  He was working one of
the muscles in his jaw, which for some reason turned me on.

'No.  That's not what I want.'

'Then what is it?'

'What the fuck do you think I want?', I said, looking him straight in the
eye, pleading with him.  I started tearing up really bad, I just couldn't
help it.  'What do *you* want?  What are you doing here?'

His angry expression just melted away, and he looked really sad.  He
reached out and pulled me toward him, and I let him.  I wanted to pull
away, but I was too drained to try.  I knew I was fooling myself, but I
didn't care about that.  I preferred that anyway.  Sometimes it's better
not to know.  I didn't even want to ask.  He cared about me, and I kept
trying to fuck that up.  He didn't love me, but I wanted to sleep with
him, and this would have to do.  He could hold me for a few minutes,
and then I'd go.  Maybe that was enough.  It was way more than I had a
few minutes ago.  I was grasping at straws.

'I'm here 'cause I want to be here.  Now just ask me what you really
want to ask me, so we can deal with it.'

I pulled away and sat up.  'Well, first off, who the fuck is Keith?'

'The guy at Starfuck's.'

'You tell me.'

'I met him last summer.  He asked me out, and I said no, I wasn't gay.
He said that's ok and gave me his number.  I never called him.  But I
kept the number, so how do I explain that to myself?  That's what got to
me.  I still had the number.  So after a few weeks of staring at the
number, I broke up with Kerry.  I didn't even try to lie to her.  I just
said it didn't feel right anymore, and I didn't say why.  I saw Keith a few
weeks later and we went out a couple of times.  Nothing happened.  He
kissed me.  It felt pretty weird, and I backed out.  Then I met you at the
club.'

'Oh.'

'That's it?  I tell you that shit, and you say 'oh'.'

'Well what can I say.  I wasn't expecting that.  I don't know what I was
expecting.  I was afraid he was your boyfriend or something.'  He didn't
say anything, so I decided to take a stab at it.  It didn't seem so
hopeless anymore.  'Don't you wanna know why that bothered me so much?'

'Yeah, I do.'

'Why do you think I practically feel you up every chance I get?  Why
am I all over you the minute I sit my butt down on your bike?  Could I
be any more obvious?'

'Kev, that's just it.  I'm eighteen and I'm totally mixed up about this.
Now I've dragged you into it.  You're a kid.  Shit.  You don't know what
you want.'

'Don't tell me what I want.  You're the one that's confused.  I'm fifteen,
and I know exactly what I want.  I want you, only you're too chickenshit
to deal with it.  If you don't like me just say so.  I don't need a ride
that bad.'

He looked like he was in shock.  His eyes were searching mine for
something, and then it looked like he found it.  'You're right.  And I like
you a lot.  So I guess it's not just my little problem anymore, is it?'

'It's about time.'

'Fuck school, let's go back to my place.'

'Yeah.'

As we got back on the bike, he asked where the helmet was.  'Oh shit.  I
left it at Starfuck's.'

As we rode out of there, my heart was pounding against my ribcage.  I
wasn't sure where we were going, back to Starfuck's or to his house, but
I had my answer.  He had showed me some of his cards, and I had
showed him mine.  There was a whole lot of open road out ahead of us.
The sun was glowing through the haze on the horizon.  My hands were
on his hips.  I honestly didn't give a shit how things turned out,
at least this much was mine.  Now.

***************************************************************************

There's more of this on my pc and in my head.  I'll probably put it out
there if anybody shows interest.  The other characters will come into play
once E and K have something to show/hide.  Comments, criticisms, suggestions
are welcome.  Please let me know what you think.  Don't make me beg.
If you want to flame somebody, flame yourself.  You know you need it.