Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2002 16:24:13 -0800 (PST) From: Jay Subject: on the flip side part 8 Chapter 8 I just had my cock sucked by my best friend. How many people say that? Probably more than I think, but to me, it was a big deal. I had just opened the floodgates to things I could hardly imagine. So much had been erased now. What about all that stuff I told Brian about "just being friends" or "love but not in love". I got up from bed very quietly and got my things together. By now just the thought of what I had done felt wrong. I was in deep this time. And DAMN, I knew it. I picked up my cell phone and looked at the screen. 3 missed calls. Wow. Someone's been trying to get in touch with me badly. But who-- ...Matt... No No NO! I had forgotten all about Matt! I quickly got my clothes on and ran out the front door as quietly as possible. I ran over to my house to see a figure asleep on the front steps. Oh Jeebus. It was Matt. He looked like he was freezing. My first thought was to run; somewhere. No. I couldn't. No more running. I walked up to him and took a close look. His face was amazing; so tranquil, so calm. I leaned in and kissed his cheek to wake him. My cheeks were still wet from tears, leaving an imprint on his face as I stood up straight. His eyes opened, groggily. Then, he seemed to awaken all at once as he saw me. He reached for my face and cupped my head in his hands. "Jacob! Oh God, Jake. I thought something happened--" "Matt..." "--I mean, you didn't answer your cell phone; you weren't home--" "Matt..." "--I'm just happy you're alright, don't get me wrong, but you really can get a guy scared." It was silent. "Jake... What's the matter?" "We need to go inside. And talk." "...Talk?" I nodded. So, with a solemn face, we both walked into the house. I slid the key back under the doormat as he walked in and we sat on the couch. How was I going to get this out? I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my throat. "Matt..." It became silent again as words failed to come out of my mouth. My parents were no doubt asleep, the house was pitch black. I left all the lights off as I looked into his eyes by the moonlight. His face gave a sense of concern, but also a sense of hurt. AHH!! I'm the world's BIGGEST idiot. "You can tell me anything, Jake. I promise." He had to try and make things easier for me, right? That just makes it harder. "I'm an asshole." "No, you're not, Jacob." "Yes, I am." "Why?" "Because..." "Becaaause...?" "Matt... today... Lex and I... we talked." "I thought you and Lex hated each other." "No. That was a rumor. It's... hard to explain." "Ok, you talked. So?" This was NOT getting easier. "We had a very intense talk. And he told me some things." "Oh?" "He was the guy that made me cry the other night." "Oh." "And... we kissed." Oh no. Dead silence. He just stared at me with eyes so sad they'd make Hitler cry. I saw him sigh and regroup and braced myself for the worse. "Did you... want to?" "What? No. Not really. I mean... it's hard to explain." "And..." "And...?" "Well, how do you feel about him." "I don't know. I know that I had wanted him. But, that was before I met you." His eyes sparkled for a second. Oh God, this was it, the decision. "Jake, I understand." "You do?" "Of course. I mean, you were confused. You thought you still liked him. I've been there myself but... never so fortunate in my situations..." "Matt. I really like you. I mean really. So I have to tell you something else..." "More?" Oh God. I can't do this. I can't I just can't. What would he say? What kind of a disgusting human being am I? Two different incidents in one day? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm pathetic. "Brian and I... We... I mean..." The tears started coming back. They gently slid down my face but I didn't sob; I couldn't. "Brian too? Wow... there are alot more gay kids in school than I knew..." That's what he was thinking about? I wonder what he'd say if I told him WHAT I did with Brian. I couldn't; not yet. "Yeah... guess so... I'm so sorry but he was confused too and... it's all so much I have all these feelings." "That's not important, Jake. What's important is... at the end of the day..." Silence... "...Who's the one person you think of...?" I didn't know what to say. I couldn't be sure at all. I ran my head through my hands and looked back up, tearless for once, as brave and calm as possible. "I... I honestly..." He looked right into my eyes... "..I don't know..." We sat there for a while. The night coming close to dawn. The weekend almost completely obliterated. I couldn't believe I fucked up so badly. I was usually so in control. Damnit my life was sinking. He finally spoke up. "I really like you too, Jake... But... until that person is me... I can't pretend that my person isn't you. Because it is. And it hurts... that you don't feel exactly the same..." "But--" "No. I can't. I'll be here when you're ready. But until then." He looked down at the floor as he got up. "Goodbye, Jake." He took out a package from his pocket and dropped it on the couch as he walked out. I took it in my hands and cradled it for a while, thinking, staring. Where do I go from here? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TBC Sorry this installment took so long. School hit like a ton of bricks. Email me comments or suggestions @ jjjyyhotbod99@yahoo.com!