Date: Tue, 27 May 2003 19:11:16 -0700 (PDT) From: Jay Subject: on the flip side part 9 It's really funny, I think; how this all works out. Being gay; being in the closet; we hide this part of us that shouldn't be big at all. But the fact that we hide it just makes it grow; as if it was a monster feeding off of darkness. Finally, we let that monster out, and we are free. But... in some prospects ...we're just back to the begginning. Coming out to Matt, Lex, and Brian I found three amazing guys I could have! Three I've wanted for so long; to hold, to touch. And... now it's all crumbling. Oh jeez, enough of feeling sorry for myself. I fucked up. And what did I have to show for it? A package. I kept looking at it. The paper looked as if it came off a grocery bag, but it had this sophisticated touch to it. I didn't even know if I wanted to open it or not. The tears had stopped... whatever little consolation that was. And here I was; sitting there; feeling sorry for myself when I fucked up. Wow... this package is tempting. Maybe I should...-- "HOWIE!!" Who the hell was that... it was five in the morning... I looked outside my window... oh, crap. Not now. "Howie! You--... where did you go?" "Brian... hey." I walked out the front door to meet him as dawn crept up on us. "Jacob... why did you leave?" "I don't know... I can't talk about this now." "About this? THIS? What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing--" "This isn't-- it's not just a... THIS..." "Brian, don't do this right now, PLEASE!" "DO WHAT? DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID!?" "NO!" "SO TELL ME THE TRUTH! TELL ME WHY I SEE IT IN YOUR EYES..." "WHAT?!" "YOU THINK THIS WAS A MISTAKE!!!!" His face was beat red; tears were gushing out of his face. "Howie... Howie, please, tell me that's not true..." "Brian... I don't know." "You don't know? Oh that's great! PLEASE, Jacob, I love you! I love you so much!" "Brian... we..." His eyes were working overtime... that made this ten times harder to say. "...that word, B... love, what meaning does it truly have any more..." "BULLSHIT!" "B..." "Jacob... PLEASE. Please please PLEASE please.... Oh God please..." Brian was on his knees now, grasping at my clothing, his head hung low and crying as loud as an animal caught in a trap. I started to tear. I didn't want to do this to him. Why did I have to? I had to set this straight, that's why. I was disgusted with myself. I looked down and I couldn't bear it anymore. I was crying just as hard at this point. God, I hadn't cried so much since I was six. I had to get away. So I ran... I ran as far as I could. I ran until my heart was beating so loudly I'm sure Matt, Brian, and Lex all heard it no matter how far away I was. I delved deep into the woods on the outskirts of town and fell onto my knees. I couldn't take it anymore. It felt like a thousand needles were being shot into my body at once. I wanted to throw up. I started to scream at the sky. "IS THIS MY REWARD? MY PUNISHMENT?! YOU GIVE ME THIS LIFE; YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY; AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?!" I lost it. I picked up a branch that had fell off an old oak during a storm and started swinging it against the trunk of the tree that it came from. I chipped away the bark and just kept swinging as hard as I could. My hands where chapped and bleeding from the rough touch of the tree; I was holding it so tightly that the bark was actually in my skin. It eventually broke into too many pieces to keep swinging it. That didn't matter. I grabbed whatever I could and threw it against the tree. This was so pointless... but for some reason I continued. Stones; twigs; branches; dead plants; I threw it all. Until finally I reached into my pocket and grabbed the package. "THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH, OH GREAT POWERS THAT BE! FOR THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU GAVE ME I ONCE CALLED A LIFE!!" I threw the package with all my might against the tree. It ricocheted off the trunk and into the brook behind me. I started bawling again and just sat in the leaves that covered the forest ground. I sat there crying for six hours. Crying... sobbing... almost on the verge of sickness. My cell phone was ringing non stop. Lex was calling, so was Brian. I couldn't take it. I threw the phone against the tree too and it broke into a hundred pieces. It wasn't until dark that I realized what I was doing was detrimental. That these problems stemmed from one major source to begin with: Lex. I picked myself up and left the woods. It was almost four in the afternoon. I regained my composure and went onto the street to start my walk to Lex's house. It was farther than I expected from the woods. I would have stopped home to wrap my hands in gauze but I was too afraid Brian would still be there, waiting. So I cleaned off the blood myself and kept walking. I finally got to Lex's at dusk. The lights were off, all except his bedroom's. I rang the doorbell and waited. He didn't come. I was tired and drained and I needed him for once and he didn't come. I rang again and again. I needed to see him! I needed peace of mind! I finally just sat on his doorstep. This was great. Here I was, the emotional train wreck, and the one person that could help me clear out everything isn't even there to help. I was about to leave before I heard a call from his window. "Howie...!" "Lex...? Lex where were you?" I see Lex's head pop back into his room and finally find him emerging from his front door. "Lex, we really need to talk." "Yeah..." "About the other day... the kiss..." "Uh... about that." "Well I wanted to--" "Yeah... Jake I was confused... about my... uh... sexuality... I don't think I'm gay anymore." ...what... "...What..." "I just... had feelings. But I needed to test them... and you know... it was nothing..." "WHAT?" "I'm...I'm sorry but... Kate and I are back together. Ykno... cuz I missed her... and stuff." The whole time he was looking down. Who the hell was he kidding? "Who the hell are you KIDDING?" "What?" "W--What happened to all that stuff... about... your feelings... and how you thought it was love?" I was starting to cry again. I was more shocked and I choked back my tears until... "We throw that word around so much now or days... what could it possibly mean any more?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TBC Sorry that was my LONGEST break. Got me some inspiration though. Thanks to David (who I DO love) for pushing me to get this done ;-) Send as many comments or suggestions as you want to jjjyyhotbod99@yahoo.com Tell me what you wanna see; feedback people!!