Breathless. That's what I felt the night Drew and I kissed for the first time. Well...intentionally, anyway. Do you know what it's like to be taken to a level of joy so intense...so incredible...that you can't even sleep? I was overflowing with this inexhaustible energy that refused to quiet itself down. It bounced around inside of me, forcing my smile to almost split me in half. I laid in my bed that night, so eagerly looking forward to the next time that I would see Drew again, not wanting to close my eyes, not wanting to keep them open...and just enjoyed letting myself be totally swept away by my emotions. I was tempted to call him. To just hear his voice. To ride my bike over to his house and see him again. Just...hold him. My cheeks began to hurt from grinning to myself for so long, and I rolled over onto my side, hugging my pillow as tightly as possible. Sigh...I couldn't even stop moving long enough to get sleepy. It meant that much to me. I've never been so in love.
Despite a lack of sleep, which I was sure was going to take its toll on me in a BAD way, I woke up just energized as I was when I went to sleep. Maybe even MORE so. I hopped out of bed in a way that I haven't done since I was ten, and practically danced around the room while picking out what I was going to wear for the day. Wow...so exactly what did it all mean? I mean...does that mean he's in love too? I mean...does this mean I have a boyfriend??? Omigod...a BOYFRIEND! Hehehe! Can you imagine it? "Hi, this is Drew....he's my boyfriend." Or what about, "This is my boyfriend, Drew. Isn't he cute?" Ooh, I know..."Sorry that you caught us kissing again, Mr. Simmons. But don't worry, Drew here is my boyfriend." You know, the air tastes just a little bit sweeter when you're in love. And when it's returned to you...the whole damn essence of your life experience becomes a 24 hour long sugar high! I wouldn't trade it in for anything. Not anything.
I giggled all the way through my shower, I giggled all the way through breakfast, I giggled all the way to school. Every time the memory of Drew's delicate kiss crossed my mind, my entire body became alive with a sensation of true bliss. One so powerful that I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath to keep myself from popping like a balloon. I looked for Drew outside of class before going in, getting there about ten minutes before class started, and was surprised to see him waiting for me already inside. He was more than just on time....he was EARLY! That's not like him at all. He was doing that cute 'twirl of the pencil' thing at his desk, so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't even see me at first. I waved to get his attention, and when his eyes met mine, he looked extremely nervous. EXTREMELY nervous. And even THAT was cute!
"Come here!" I whispered, waving for him to come join me. He left his books open on his desk and got up to walk over to the door to meet me. He stumbled a step or two on the way, but tried to calm himself enough to say hello.
"Um...yeah?....I mean...hi...Ethan." He mumbled, clearing his throat and trying soooo hard to lift his eyes to meet mine. His soft brown curls were in an even bigger disarray than usual. How he did that, and still made it look like he 'fixed' it that way to pefection...I'll never know. His eyes fluttered around to every corner of the hallway except in my direction, his very breath caught up in his throat.
"Hey. I wanted to talk to you for a second before class." I said, and led him over to a corner of the hall where we could talk, up against a set of empty lockers. Drew was trembling at this point, and his fingers timidly fidgeted with the door on the locker next to him. He swallowed hard, too afraid to speak. "Listen...about...about last night..." I started, and suddenly it looked as though Drew was going into convulsions. His breath got heavy, and he hid his face from me in an instant display of heartbreaking shame. He was almost ready to cry on the spot without warning.
"Oh God! I knew it. I just fucking KNEW it! Look...Ethan...it was...it was all such a stupid mistake! I never meant to...I mean...it was just some stupid, STUPID..."
"I'm SO fucking sorry! It didn't happen, ok? It just...it didn't happen. I don't even think of you like that, seriously! I know you're not really into that kind of thing. It was just...sigh...it was so SO damn stupid of me to..."
"Drew!" I said, covering his mouth to stop him from rambling. "I...I LIKED it."
Drew stopped, his pouty lips had already blossomed into the saddest puppy dog frown imaginable. The lovable shade of blushed pink matching the 'shy guy' color of his cheeks. But when I told him that I liked it...his lips transformed into a blank expressionless line. He looked me in the eyes with a slight hint of confusion. "You...." He started, but didn't know what to say at all. "Wait...you mean...you..." The glimmer in his big brown eyes brightened up adorably. "...Really?..."
I must have blushed a little myself as a smile broke out on my face, and I looked down at my shoes to keep from letting my gaze collide with his. The sheer beauty of him would have caused me to blow my cool in an instant. "Yeah. Really." Then I got the courage to peek into his eyes for a split second, "I liked it a lot."
He didn't know what to say. He paused for a long time, completely floored by the realization that I actually enjoyed the kiss as much as he did. He didn't want to let the smile appear on his lips. His caution and withdrawal were the last defenses he had against being hurt again, and a smile would have allowed him to fall deeper in love than he was willing to go without being sure. But...I could see his will giving way, as he finally began to comprehend what I was saying to him.
I almost felt bad. Because his initial reaction meant that while I was awake all night smothered with feelings of love and desire...he was at home filled with confusion and doubt and worrying about whether or not I was going to reject him again. Whether or not this conversation was going to rip him to shreds and I was gonna tell him to get lost once and for all. But, despite his mind's attempt to get rid of the risk involved, despite his heart's fear of being broken in two...Drew let the idea of us being together invade his thoughts fully at long last. And that's when the cutest, most bashful, grin spread across his lips unrestricted, and his cheeks turned a deep shade of red. "Oh...oh....ok.." He started, "Oh God, hehehe...wow....Thank you...I think. Hehehe, no...I...I KNOW. Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you..." He started repeating out of nowhere, and he gave me a big warm hug around the neck, combination of a giggle and a sob leaving his mouth! He was unable to hold back much of the feeling that washed over him, but only held the hug for a second though before he realized that his burst of emotion had gotten the best of him. Then he quickly jumped back as though I had burned him. "Oh shit! I'm sorry! I didn't mean...well...I DID mean it...but, I didn't...hehehe...sorry..."
The only way to keep him from getting even more worked up was to say, "Yeah...me too." And we began giggling together in that corner until the bell rang a few minutes later. "Ok...look, I'll meet you at the park for lunch, ok? And you better be there." I smiled.
"Ok. I'll be there! I promise!" He said excitedly, his bright eyes glistening with the all the charm of a baby's first smile. "I..." He almost seemed ashamed to say it, as though it were maybe too early to say it, but he did it anyway. "I can't wait."
"Me either. I'll see you then. And we can talk some more."
"K..." Then, Drew leaned in a little and whispered, "I love you, Ethan." And he walked into class, his small thin frame literally shaking and rattling from the admission that had just left him, and the joy it left behind in his heart. Hearing those words spill over his soft lips made me tremble inside too, and it excited me beyond what I was already feeling. It was almost too much to handle. I could only walk behind him and follow him back to class. With a smile. Trying my best not to suddenly float away.
This was it, the complete and total abandonment of the 'master plan'. The dive into something that I didn't understand yet, nor did I know if I was ready for it. I had given myself the rules and regulations that would keep me from being gay. The official blueprint for getting back to normal and leading a happy life without that awful word ever crossing my path again. 'Homosexual'. Arrrgh! But when Drew came along, one thing became crystal clear. That there was nothing 'gay' about it. Suddenly there WAS no sexual preference, no race, no religion, no financial bracket, no politics...none of that existed at all. There was Drew and how I felt about him. Everything else got washed away somehow. The feeling didn't consist of anything other than love. Just pure love. For who he was, and what he was, and how he made me feel every minute that I spent at his side. That alone was able to fill me up with a substance strong enough, vital enough, to let me live the rest of my days without food or water or air. Easily. And Drew was more than worth the sudden change of plans to be 'normal' again. Right now...'normal' seems way too boring and predictable. I'd settle for the chaos of love any day.
To say that it was 'difficult' to go thirty seconds in that class without looking at Drew or him looking at me, would be an understatement. In fact, the whole classroom had to know that something was wrong. We couldn't keep our eyes off of each other. Or our minds, or our hearts, and soon...I hope we wouldn't be able to keep our hands off of each other either. Sweet Lord above....I've got a boyfriend! A BOYFRIEND!!! Not JUST a boyfriend, but the most beautiful, sweetest, prize winning, boyfriend in existence! I didn't know what to DO with myself! I mean...I can't even IMAGINE being able to touch him and have him accept it. To have him know that I love him, and reciprocate with a unique and mindblowing love of his own. The feeling almost made me burst out into a fit of giggles right there in class, and looking over at Drew, I knew he was on the verge of the same disruption. But we kept it together for the sake of each other. We knew that the second one of us starting busting up, the other one wouldn't be able to hold it in, and the two of us would laugh forever. Wow...a boyfriend...God, that sounds SOOOOO cool, bouncing around in my thoughts.
By the end of class, the warm sensation inside had raised my body temperature seemingly 100 degrees hotter than it had ever been. And when that final bell rang, I needed to make extra sure that my bag was in front of me as I walked....hiding my apparent enjoyment of a few thoughts that I had been suppressing and fighting since the first day we met. I could feel my restraint uncurling itself at last, and with every loosened knot, my love for him intensified. Sweeping through me like a wild fire out of control. It was SUCH a pleasantly helpless feeling.
We walked to the door together, now feeling the reeling effects of an infatuated collision that came as unexpectedly as our first kiss. And we walked towards Drew's next class, led more by habit and instinct than our own conscious thought. We were surprisingly silent 90% of the way there, but you would have THOUGHT that we were engaged in a witty conversation the way we acted. We'd walk a few steps, and I'd try to think of something to say to him, something worthy of saying to him, but the second I looked over at him he'd look back at me, and all I could do was giggle. Then we'd go back to walking in silence again. Then he'd try to say something to me, and giggle just as bad. Somehow, the involuntary chuckles became an entire conversation between us, bashfully joining us in a nervous moment that we enjoyed like nothing else we had ever experienced in our lives before. I don't think I've ever had so much fun without saying a single word.
We got to Drew's next class and remained still except for the growing smirks on our faces, and I made an attempt to speak, "Well...?"
"Well...?" He repeated, then giggled nervously.
"I'll, uh...I'll see you at lunch. Ok?"
"Ok. We'll meet at the back gate, right?" His eyes softened and intensified simultaneously.
I paused for a second or two, wanting to kiss him so bad that my teeth were itching. "...yeah. I'll see you soon." I didn't want to leave. He reached out an affectionate hand and gently rubbed it over my arm, just above the elbow. It wasn't a kiss, if anything it was awkward for the both of us. But at least it was his way of saying, 'I know you want to kiss me, I can see it in your eyes'. And my attraction for him got even stronger, almost pulling me into his arms and him into mine. A timeless moment passed between us before he took a step backwards to go into class. I didn't know whether to be sad that he was leaving or let the happiness linger from the fact that he was still there at all. Either way, my life, from this day forward, was going to be the satelite that revolved around Drew and the pure love in his heart. It feels good to know that I didn't miss out on something special this time around.
He went into his class, still looking back out at me through the doorway, and my heart began to pump harder than usual, not knowing what to do with the extra juices running through it all of the sudden. And I slowly moved away from the door, starting the countdown until the moment that I'd get to have him next to me again. Nothing makes a school day longer than the anticipation of something special.
Every class period seemed longer than the one before it, but I was well entertained by the rush of affection coursing through my veins, and that kept me smiling through an agonizing two and half hours. Then...with an exhalation of relief, I rose to my feet at the lunch bell, and walked swiftly to rendezvous with the rest of my life. Drew showed up at the back gate at almost the same time as I did, and we began walking towards the park. With the same silence, occassionally interrupted by a snicker here and there, we made our way out to the center of the secluded park where we instinctually made way for the tree we were accostomed to sitting under. The difference? This was no ordinary lunch. We had LOTS to talk about! Even if we didn't know exactly how to start or end that particular conversation. I mean, admitting feelings of love was an entirely new thing for me. For him too, I'll bet. And even though the supposed 'hard part' was out of the way...knowing that the feeling is genuine and mutual...we still didn't neccessarily know how to take it from there to what we were hoping we both wanted. However, even this piece of confusing emotional turmoil was a blessing, and a stimulating part of the experience. My first love...I can't believe that I actually have a first love. Hahaha! This is GREAT!
We sat down on the grass underneath the tree, a little closer than usual, touching even...and proceeded to open our lunch bags up. Just as we had done many times before, only this time my fingers were shaking from the nervous energy inside. Silence...dreadful silence. I don't think either one of us wanted to be the first to give in. But we were sitting shoulder to shoulder, and I could feel his muscles contract every time his arm moved. I leaned my leg over to touch his, and he leaned his over to push back against it. The contact, such a simple and childish action, caused us to look over at one another in unison, and we smiled at each other. Finally...I couldn't take anymore.
"Alone at last..." I said, wondering where that would lead to.
"Hehehe...yeah." Drew blushed and his fingers began to wrap themselves up in his hair again. Just like they always did when he was being shy and cute and just plain adorable! "Hehehe..." He giggled again, without anything else to say, and we gave way to another moment of soundless acknowledgement of our naive emotions.
"You know...I've been thinking about you since first class this morning." I said with a grin.
Drew's blush rushed back to his cheeks as he turned to hide his smile from me. "I've been thinking about you too. Since...since last night actually." He looked at me briefly, then snapped his head back down to his lunch. Figuring that he could avoid me by focusing on his bologna sandwich.
I waited until the courage built up enough inside of me to speak again, "I never really kissed a boy before. It was kinda..." He looked over to see what I would say, "...kinda neat. It felt so right, you know?"
Drew's fingertips were now madly working through the curled locks with a fever, and he bit his bottom lip in the sexiest way. "It felt right for me too...I guess..." He was being so 'careful'. So timid of what he might say in front of me. But I could feel the pressure building up inside of me, ready to explode in a huge confession of exactly what he had been doing to me ever since he appeared in my life. I was using just enough restraint to not look like a complete dork...but, like I said, the pressure was building.
Then, I just HAD to ask him, "Are you as nervous as I am right now?"
"Oh GOD, yes!" Drew snapped back, with a breathless sigh. It was as though he was waiting for me to ask that. Hehehe! We laughed at each other and agreed to calm down just a little bit before we got even goofier than we already were.
"As long as it's not just me." I said, relieved. We had another brief break in our conversation before we both looked up at the same time as though we were going to speak.
"I'm sorry. Go ahead." Drew said.
"No, that's ok. You first."
"I...I still can't believe that you liked it. The kiss, I mean. I couldn't help myself anymore. I was afraid you'd hate me."
I grinned a little to myself. "Not a chance. To be honest, I was trying to find a way to kiss you for a long time, I just didn't know how. I seriously enjoy everything about you, Drew. Especially the kissing part." I grinned. It was hard for me to not giggle between each and every word I said. But it settled down on its own momentarily, and I said, "I don't...I don't want it to stop either. I mean...I thought...you know...maybe we could do it again sometime. Maybe even...'regularly'...?" It might have only been a fraction of a second between the time I said it and the time when he answered, but it still felt like an eternity to me.
Drew turned to me, and his eyes absorbed my attention like a sponge, "I knew, from the first time that I kissed you, that you were the only one who would ever be able to make me feel so...so weightless. It really terrifed me to think that maybe you were straight and that..." He stopped, as though I'd think it was silly.
"That you were my 'destiny' and I missed out on it because I just so happened to be born a boy. Hehehe!"
"I know life is cruel, but I don't think it's THAT cruel."
"Yeah, well...you don't know my luck in this department. Or lack thereof."
We sat there for another minute or so, just eating our lunch, sipping a little soda, but there was still so much more for us to talk about and think about and dream about together...if only we could get through this confusing little stumbling block of knowing exactly what to say! Then, as we were both looking in opposite directions, trying to avoid anything that could be considered corny or embarassing, I said...
"I love you, Drew."
He looked back over at me, and his eyes glimmered with a bit of moisture as he said, "I love you too, Ethan." He paused to try to organize his feelings into words, and continued, "I wondered, so many times, what it would sound like to hear you say that. 'I love you, Drew'...heh...I used to pretend that you were lying next to me on the front lawn, whispering it into my ear." He stopped to keep from being overly emotional, a sniff keeping his tears from forming completely. "Funny thing.......I don't think I was actually prepared for the real thing, just now." His eyes watered a bit, but not a single tear dropped. "I think...I think it's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Ever." He sniffed again, and I put my arm around his shoulder. I didn't know whether to pull him into a full hug or just leave my arm over his shoulder, but Drew melted when I touched him, and the first tear rolled down his cheek. "God...this is so unbelievable. So...damn unbelievable." He took the hand that I had placed on hs shoulder and blessed it with the sweetest kiss, his soft lips applying the most angelic pressure to it. "Thank you, Ethan. Thank you.."
I pulled him in closer, and even though he resisted a little at first...we both sighed contentedly as he allowed his head to lean forward and lay peacefully on my shoulder. And that was it, our first mutual contact, sprouting from a love that both of us wanted, and neither one of us ever expected to have. I could feel the softness of his curls brushing lightly on the nape of my neck, I could feel his breathing as his chest swelled and deflated with every breath, and his hand fell gracefully on my knee as he leaned in closer to snuggle up to me. I couldn't speak, I couldn't think of anything to say at all. My hand did all the work as it lovingly rubbed back and forth on his shoulder. And then, with a slight tremble in my stomach as to what it would mean, I bowed my head slightly to kiss the top of Drew's head. Just a peck, a mother's kiss, to comfort him. He didn't say anything, in fact, it was almost as if he had stopped breathing. And in a brief silent moment, I felt his fingers slowly and tenderly circle my knee, ever so slowly. Each completed circle leading to another with growing pressure. The contact felt good. Not sexual really, but bordering on it fast. I felt my breathing getting heavy beyond my control, and I held Drew even tighter, leaning forward to kiss the top of his head again. This time, I let my lips linger there in the forest of his silken brown curls, the fresh aroma filling my senses. I inhaled deeply, and felt Drew's hand move further up my thigh. Maybe just a few inches or so, daring not to go any further, but I felt it. And the moment we were having produced a new level of tension. Enjoyably so, but tension nonetheless. It lingered there for a second, working up the nerve to squeeze gently at the softness of my leg, and I felt myself being stimulated to a point of arousal that no fantasy, no porn flick, no wet dream, had ever taken me to.
I loosened my grip on Drew a little, and he slowly lookd up into my eyes, so afraid of leaning in and making another mistake. Still not believing the truth, even when I assured him that it was ok. But this time, I met him more than half way, and let myself be willingly pulled into his gravitational beauty for the first time. I kept my eyes open until the moment our lips touched, and then I closed them slowly...shutting out every other piece of reality, every sight, every sound, every emotion. Nothing existed except for the smooth texture of Drew's lips as they slid romantically across mine, and the feeling of his warm breath as it blew gently against my cheek. The vey taste of him was magic. Even with the bologna and the soda mixed, his mouth had a taste all its own. His tongue barely touched mine as the two met in between the airtight seal of our kiss, and I became weak inside. As though every fiber of my being was focused on this one brief moment of perfection. This expression of a love realized after an eternity's worth of denial. My hand went up to the back of his head, his hair so soft, so unexplainably soft, and I pulled him in even closer. The once innocent smooch no longer being enough for my heart to display the explosion of love I was feeling at that moment. We both began to feel more comfortable now, lost in our tender lip lock, and I whimpered quietly as the kiss became more feverish. Our hunger increasing with the connection. That's when Drew put his hand on my chest, and lightly pushed himself away from me.
He looked at me, his eyes hazy and dreamlike, and I was left breathless again. I asked, "What? What's wrong?"
Drew smiled, "Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I just...we're...this is a bit 'public', don't you think? Somebody could see us here." He said, his hand brushing against my cheek.
"Oh...oh right." I looked around the park a bit. "Do you wanna go over there? Underneath the slide, or something?" I didn't want to get caught kissing another boy in the middle of the park...but I didn't want to STOP kissing him either.
"Um..." He looked around a bit, licking the taste of me off of his lips and savoring it for just a few minutes more. "...yeah...yeah that sounds cool. We can try it over there."
We both picked up our stuff, and noticed a pair of sizeable lumps in each other's pants from our excitement, and giggled a bit more as we made our way to the slide. Ohhhh...if only I could describe the feeling attacking me from all angles at that very moment. My chest was completely surrounded with this jittery sensation that kept me breathing hard enough to make me light headed, and my whole body tingled with anticipation. The short trip from where we were sitting to the slide was like a mile to the two of us. We made sure that we'd be able to see anyone if they were coming, and brushed away a nice spot for us to sit on the ground underneath the slide. I was almost sure that we'd be able to hear someone way before they were close enough to see either one of us under there. But to be honest, I didn't really care. Once Drew sat down next to me, all I could think of was connecting myself to him again through anothr passionate kiss. The second we put our stuff down and were sitting next to one another, I whispered, "Ok..." And we snaked our arms around each other, kissing again and drinking in the desirable reality of being one with the boy that I love. GOD, he was a good kisser! Maybe it was the spongy cushions of his pouty lips, or the way his fingers would travel lightly up and down my back, or maybe it was the way his mouth fit to mine so easily...who knows? Whatever it was, he set off fireworks in my mind, and I never wanted the kissing to stop, not even to come up for air.
And that's how we stayed for the rest of the lunch period...joined at the lips like a pair of Siamese twins. I don't think we stopped for more than a few seconds, and that was to look in each other's eyes long enough to be pulled back into another kiss. His lips tasted like the sweetest thing on Earth, his breath would blow out of his mouth into mine, and even that was spiked with a sugary sweet flavor. I never...and I mean NEVER...thought kissing would be like this! One nibble of it was all you needed to become an addict for life. It was such an unspoken demonstration of attraction that no word in the English language or any other could ever hope to match. We actually sat there, enjoying the furious sensuality of a lover's kiss, for almost an hour. And when Drew's watch alarm went off to tell him that we needed to start heading back, neither one of us could believe that the time had passed so quickly. We broke our kiss, our lips red and wet from the constant pressure, and smiled lazily at each other.
"That's my watch...we..we should get going..." Drew said.
"Yeah...you're probably right..." I agreed. But before we could leave, I leaned in again to give him another sweet peck on the lips. And that led to a second peck...and before we knew it, we were locked up again. I just...I couldn't stop. I couldn't let him go. His body was so warm, so delicate, it belonged here...cuddled up next to me. From head to toe, Drew was beautiful beyond compare.
He stopped again. "Hehehe, c'mon now. Seriously, we've gotta stop."
"I don't want to." I whined playfully.
"Well me neither..."
He kissed me again on the lips, and I was looking forward to being totally lost in another brief moment of bliss, but he didn't allow me to get that far into it. "Sigh...I'm serious. I've gotta go to class. Ok?"
I smiled, and so desperately wanted him to stay. "I could do this all day, you know?"
"Yeah...me too." His timid grin blossomed so beautifully that I had to lean forward and steal a few more kisses before he left me, making him laugh as I sucked tenderly at his neck. "Hehehe...quit it, that tickles." But then he pushed me back, "I love you. Ok?" He said. "And I'll see you later."
"Scout's honor." He replied, holding up his hand.
"K...later then." I leaned back on my elbows, waiting for my erection to go down a bit before rushing back to class myself. "I love you, Drew." Wow...just hearing myself say that outloud was a rush in itself.
"Love you too, Ethan." And Drew picked up his stuff, kissing me on the cheek one last time before taking off. He's amazing. Absolutely amazing.
I was late going to my next class, without question. Almost missed HALF of it. But I couldn't move. I was sitting there under the slide still, just...dreaming with my eyes open. By the time I got up to get back to class, my mind had converted itself over to some new way of thinking. Something that included Drew in every electrical charge that my brain could create. He was a part of me now. Forever.
I got home that afternoon and was still dizzy from the events of the day. A boyfriend. A boyfriend. A boyfriend. I don't even know what to DO with a boyfriend! I never had to think about it before. I was SO happy, and I wanted to TELL somebody! My mom, my dad, my friends...somebody, ANYBODY! I was so packed with adrenaline that my sides were bound to split open from the overload. I was literally ITCHING to see or hear from him again! And when he called that night, even though we kept the conversation 'in the closet'...you never know when a parent is going to walk into the room or pick up the phone by mistake...I could feel the passion in it anyway. I could hear it in the heavy breaths of his hazy voice, I could hear his shy smile over the phone. How cool is THAT? And we made an 'appointment' to meet again for lunch tomorrow. To pick up where we left off. It was awesome. And before I hung up for the night...I got a chance to very lightly whisper to him, "I love you so much, Drew. It makes me feel good just to say it."
"Sighhh....I never get tired of hearing that, you know? You're too good for me, Ethan. I love you too, ok? So much it hurts."
"It hurts me too. Can I see you before school tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure. I'll leave early. Maybe we can talk in private for a little while or something." A tremble was added to Drew's voice. A cute vibrato that drove me wild with the eagerness for the next morning.
"Ok, I'll leave early too then. Love you."
"You already said that...hehehe..."
"I know. It wasn't enough." I answered, and his heart kept him from speaking for a minute.
Then...he whispered, "You're right...it wasn't." Then, with a hint of sex creeping into his voice, he followed it with, "I'm gonna think about you tonight. ALL night. Love you." And he quickly hung up afterwards, slightly frightened by what I might have to say about that in response. A ticklish pulse ran through me, and it took my breath away for a moment before I hung up the phone. I laid back on the bed, staying still but feeling like I was still falling. And tried to drift off thinking of Drew, thinking of me. No matter of tossing and turning would let me go to sleep, or even stop me from grinning maniacally to myself. I'm turning into such a weirdo, hehehe, but I LOVE it! I had sweet dreams of my hazel eyed lover ahead of me, but who needed them. My whole LIFE was a dream now.
I floated to school the next day, almost 20 minutes early, and Drew came around the same time. The sad thing is, we didn't have anywhere to go to be alone. To really talk openly about much of anything. The constantly moving background of other kids coming and going suffocated any expression that we had beyond being two students in the same class. Not only that, but it was hard to look at him. I mean...without staring into his eyes so deeply that it would be obvious to anyone looking that I was totally in love. So we kept up this mechanical formula for displaying what we felt for each other and hiding it from everyone else. It's SUCH a difficult balance to keep. But, every once in a while, I could sneak in a whisper or two.
"So, did you think about me last night." I smiled.
He giggled a little to himself. "Yeah..at least twice. And once this morning." I was confused for a second, but when he wiggled his eyebrows, I caught on.
"OH! Oh....hehehe..." Now it was my turn to blush first. "Talk dirty to me, playboy."
"Damn straight." Drew's face got serious, and he cleared his throat, "I...I am so in love with you..you have no idea."
"Shhh...wait..." Somebody walked by with his girlfriend in tow, the two of them hand in hand. They got to their classroom across the hall from us, and kissed at the door before splitting up. Drew and I looked, a part of us seeing their clear advantage over what we had, almost jealous of the freedom they got to express in front of everyone watching. But...I suppose the world is a long way from understanding what is and isn't their business. A LONG long way.
Our mood was a bit cracked, but not broken, and I smiled at Drew and said, "Showoffs." It brought his smile back, but it was already clear that we were going to have to be somewhere private before being able to really be ourselves, "Lunchtime? The park?"
"Yeah." He agreed.
"Under the slide?"
He had such an awesome smile, especially when he was trying to hold it back. "Hehehe, yeah..." We went to class and figured we could talk when we had some peace and quiet at the park. Hehehe, sure, like we were actually going to do any talking during THAT forty minute stretch!
I met up with Jermaine in the hallway sometime during the morning and gave him the usual friendly hi-five. "Sup man?"
"I should be asking YOU that question. Where the heck have you been, Ethan?" He said.
"I've just been busy with a million things at once, you know? Nothing major."
"Well can you at least eat lunch with us once in a while? We miss ya, bud."
"Oh...you know, I can't. Not today." It wasn't my intention to abandon my friends. I just got so enchanted with Drew and this new experience that everything else kinda fell to second place.
"You got something going on today?" Jermaine asked.
"Yeah..." I only paused for a second to contemplate whether I should say anything or not. But knowing Jermaine, he was going to ask anyway. "...me and Drew are gonna get together." He looked over at me, and I quickly added, "Just to talk about some things for our presentation for class. It's due this week."
"Drew again, huh?" Maybe I had imagined it, maybe my paranoia had switched itself on automatically, but I could have sworn that I felt the strangest hint of suspicion in Jermaine's voice when he said it. A tone that worried me at first, and then almost made me angry for some reason. It was like this built up frustration from having to hide anything at all. This fury that made me want shout, 'YEAH! Drew! What ABOUT it??? Is there a PROLEM with that?' But what good would it do? None.
"Yeah. Why?" I asked, feeling my defenses rush to possibly protect me from a series of questions that I seriously didn't want to answer.
"Nothing. I was just asking. You two have been spending an awful lot of time together these days."
"Yeah, so what? He's my friend."
"I know, I'm not saying anything. It's just...you disappeared, you know? We wondered what happened to you. And everytime we ask, it's always Drew this, and Drew that..."
"What are you trying to say? Huh? We're friends. That's it."
"Don't get weird, dude. Geez, you're touchy. You know what? If it's gonna be such a 'taboo' subject for you, just forget I said anything."
My defense took a step back, and I think that maybe I was overreacting a bit for such a simple question. "Jermaine...look..."
"No, really. Forget it. Go. Go be with your friend and have fun." And he walked away. Sigh...I didn't want a friendly squabble, I just...I wanted to be left alone. I wanted people to understand and be happy for me and listen to hours of me rambling about how in love I was. But that's not gonna happen, and that sucks. It sucks so much that it alienates me from any and every other person in the world except for me and Drew. I just don't know how I ever expect Jermaine to understand that without coming right out and telling him exactly what was going on. I saw him turn a corner, still angry, and I didn't go after him. I'll let him cool down, and we'll talk. I don't know what I'm going to tell him, but...we'll talk.
I walked over to the park with Drew at lunch, and we swiftly made our way past the tree, and straight to the slide. We only looked around for a quick second before climbing underneath and sitting down on the ground. Our butts had barely touched the dirt before we were reaching for one another, our lips coming together in another passionate embrace, our eyes closing to shut out anything that would claim that anything about our love was wrong...and we made out like crazy. My tongue was hungry for his, and the feeling of my fingers being wrapped up in his soft brown curls thrilled me once again. So cute, so tender, so sweet. We didn't have to say a single word to each other. Not one. However, after sucking face for about five minutes, something inside of me changed. Something was different.
I loved Drew, that was without a doubt. And I was still hungry for more kisses, starving for them in fact, and THAT was without a doubt too. But...today...my love wasn't enough. Today my hunger went beyond a french kiss and my fingers in his hair. I felt myself kissing him even harder, a soft whimper escaping his lips. I wanted my tongue to go deeper, I wanted my fingers to slide deeper into his silken locks of hair, I wanted to get closer, to BE closer. My heart was beating so fast, my breath was getting heavier and heavier, and I could feel our kissing getting more and more intense by the second, my erection now standing at full attention and straining, pulsing, throbbing...it wouldn't be tamed. The smacking of our lips could be heard by anyone if they were to walk by, and our hastened breaths were slowly turning into low moans of approval.
My body reacted all on its own, it didn't even feel like my own anymore. I got even more excited as I felt my hand slide down to Drew's shoulder, then under his arm to delicately rub his side. Up and down, up and down, slowly, carfully. Just at the bottom of his ribcage, and then an inch lower. My mind was racing, too busy being ditracted by the mindblowing kiss, too busy being scared of what it was doing to increase the sensation I was feeling with my hand's journey. Then, with a nervous rush of adrenaline shooting through me, my hand slipped further down to Drew's hip, now holding him lovingly above his belt. Drew's breathing increased, and he kissed me even deeper, his hand contracting and squeezing my back, trying to pull me closer. The first night I was amazed, the second day I was breathless...now...I was ready to explode. Literally explode.
I whimpered, still wanting more, still looking for a level of satisfaction that would bring tears of joy to my eyes and express my soul's desire to be one with him, joined forever. My hand slipped lower, over his side pants pocket, and with a short burst of courage, I let it wrap around him a bit further, placing it on the ripened curve of his cheek, squeezing it, pulling it closer to me, making him gasp. Drew whimpered even louder, and he pushed his hips forward, the two of us now sliding to a position where we were laying on our sides. His chest touched mine, and his arms wormed their way around me. I rubbed my hand back and forth across his ass with more confidence now, and I began to knead and massage it while pulling him even closer. I could now feel his hardness as it pressed itself into mine, causing both of us to sigh loudly, now grinding into one another. We were both laying down on the dirt now, and I rolled over to kiss Drew with even greater need. We continued to roll until I was on top of him, propping myself up on my elbows and him wth both hands entangled in my hair. We were breathing so loud, smacking so loud, whimpering so loud...geez, we should have been more careful. But pulling back now wasn't even possible at this point. Drew began pushing himself up into me, and I pushed back lustfully. This wasn't kissing anymore. This wasn't even making out, really. This was actual 'humping', and when Drew's watch alarm went off this time...we both nearly jumped out of our skins! It was disorienting, our heads were left spinning, and we were locked in an intense state of love's hypnosis...only to be yanked out of it faster than we had expected.
It took a few seconds to catch our breath, our hair a complete mess, our lips almost crimson, our hearts still beating frantically enough to make our whole body shake. I was litterally on the verge of having a high powered orgasm, and it made me weak in the knees. I doubt I'd be able to stand for another few minutes. I was so hard that I could feel it in my stomach. Still unable to get our pulse back to normal, Drew and I sat on the ground looking at each other. We had evidently lost a bit of our self control. Given in to some kind of deeper urge that had been trying to claw its way out of us from day one.
I tried to speak, but was huffing and puffing a bit too hard, so Drew got the first words out, "That...t-t-that was intense. Wow...I mean...wow..."
"Yeah..." I was almost scared to get another kiss in before we had to go, because even though I loved every minute of that...whatever it was...it was kinda scary too. I didn't think I even had it in me, to be honest. The butterflies in my stomach were swirling around to the point of exhaustion, and I didn't know what to do with myself. Drew stood up on shakey legs, and my quiet spell was broken by seeing the dirt, leaves, and grass all over the back of his shirt. I giggled a little bit, and pointed to his back. "You've got dirt all over you, dude."
"Well it's your fault. Next time let ME get on top." He grinned, and a little of that initial tension melted away. But one thing remained, I was not as in control as I thought I was. I didn't know whether to be scared of that, or extremely happy. I brushed the dirt off of his back, and while standing behind him, I leaned forward to kiss him gently on the neck. Drew took a hold of my arms and pulled them over his shoulders while my lips lingered there.
"I love it when you touch me, Ethan." We stood there in silence for a second or two before hearing the engine of a car coming up the alley. I let go and waited for the car to pass before adjusting myself in the front, then we gathered up our 'uneaten' lunches and started to walk back to class. "Hehehe, fix your hair, dude! You look like you spent the whole lunch hour making out or something." He said, and I leaned over to gently butt him with my shoulder. And that was that, the beginning of something special. We now knew that it was ok, that we weren't alone, and that there was such a thing as true love out there for us. The only questions now...
Where do we go next, and how do we get there?