Opening of a Closet Heart
Chapter / Part 1
By Robert B (

This is my first story. I hope everyone enjoys it and I hope that you give lots of comments / feedback (esspecially any grammar / spelling errors you find that I didnt... sorry in advance for those). If it's illegal for you to read this material, then dont read it. Otherwise, please enjoy.

Every day I come home and I sit down in my comfy chair. I look at the ceiling, the walls, and then the computer screen. I open a few games, and play a few rounds of... pretty much anything that will keep me entertained. I open my books, and do my 3-4 hours of homework. I then open up AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) and chat with my friends. I talk with men, women, guys, girls, it makes no difference. I talk to some... over voice or over text... and the words that we communicate with each other grab my soul. I can't help but talk with them until late in the night. I go to bed feeling very warm and welcome. I go to bed and think "god I think I love that person". But, sadly, I can never express to them in words how I feel. No matter how much it tugs at my heart and how much I crave it. My mind is so... shy but my body and my actions are always spontaneous and loud... until those warm feelings hit me.

This story starts in 5th grade. I was only 10 years old. It was about half way through the year and my best friend and another friend of mine started to "go out". In 5th grade, you can't really "go out"... so I guess it was more of them just holding hands at school. My best friend Jack was the cool guy of the school, and I was his friend, so of course I was cool. The other friend was Amy; she was such a sweet and innocent girl. I would look at Amy and Jack... and these jealous feelings would hit me. I wanted to feel that love, I wanted to be like them. I wanted to feel someone's hand in mine.

Across the yard at school, I looked everyday for someone whose hand I could hold. I never took much notice of anyone, until I saw her. Her name was Carol; she was playing football with the guys. I was so shy I never said anything, but I slipped her a note while we were moving from the history/English class to the science/math class. Our school started doing class transfers in 5th grade to allow students to get prepared for middle school.

The next day, she gave me a note. I read it. I smiled. She said she wanted to be my girlfriend. The last half of the school year was so great. I would hold her hand during movies, during recess, anytime I could. The last day of school, she gave me a kiss on the lips. I was so shocked and surprised but I liked it. It made me so happy... but then it fell apart. Her parents were shipping her to private school; I was staying in public school. The young romance was gone... and like a rock my heart sunk.

The next few years of middle school were the hardest days of my life. My parents were going through a slow horrible divorce. The entire time I skipped school, didn't do homework, nearly failed most subjects. Somehow I made it through, however. Finally high school hit and I was ready for anything.

My freshman year I met a girl named Sarah. She was really cute... she said she liked me. She hung out with me, she let me walk places with her, take her to movies. I held her hands a couple of times... but nothing came of it. She started "going out" with someone right when we were getting really close. I never figured it out, why would she do it?

She came back to me after he broke up with her for another girl... but just as soon as we got close again she went out with someone else. I was devastated, AGAIN. I ignored her for a few months, but when I saw she was crying one day I approached her again. Once AGAIN she came back to me, and left me AGAIN. She was using me as her crutch. She was using me for a cheap movie ticket. I was like a play toy!

I finally decided to break it off with her. The best phrase I could have used, I used as soon as she logged onto AIM.

"Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me."

I haven't spoken with her since then.

The parents divorce accelerated to the point that it was becoming impossible to even look at either of them. I wanted out of it all, I wanted away from it.

One day, my mother said she knew that my father had cheated on her during the marriage. She dragged me along with her so she could go find out where this "whore" lived. She drove me there and found the "whore" getting into her car and driving down the street. We followed her, the entire time I was forced to take pictures of her. I thought nothing of it, I thought it was funny. I was so stupid. It was mean, it was hateful, and it was ridiculous. The next day would be the day that my life would change forever.

My friend Jason went to the library with me as just a thing to do on a Monday afternoon. We walked around the library looking at the movies. We picked up two we liked and started heading out. As we headed out to the front of the library and checked out, a black SUV pulled into the parking lot. I never even thought about it, Jason and I started heading out of the library and walking down the side of the library toward the street. I looked at my right and saw him.

"Hey, Ryan!" my father said with a deep, angry, voice. I turned and looked at him; he was walking directly toward me.

"Hi..." I said brushing it off and continuing to walk with Jason, only slightly faster. Jason stopped and looked at us.

"Don't make me tackle you!" my father said starting to run towards me.

I took off full speed, but I was short and slow, and he caught me within a few seconds. He had me by the shirt and was pulling me backwards. The tears were rolling out of eyes. I was screaming. I was crying. I couldn't do anything. I was helpless.

"Jason, call the police!" I screamed, kicking and screaming with my father dragging me toward the car. Jason stood there with like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck. He wasn't budging. "PLEASE!" I screamed at full blast. He instantly started moving and ran inside.

My father dragged me into his car and threw me into the back. He slammed the door and I tried to open it and run, but he had child protection on. He soon jumped into the driver's seat of the car and I sat back in defeat. There was nothing I could do. I was crying, I was in pain, I was angry. All of my emotions were surging around me.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing last night, huh?!" he screamed at me. I sat there and just listened. My body felt weak. I saw Jason come out of the front of the building and I saw my father reach into the box next to his seat, it acted as an armrest but had a compartment. He kept a Colt .45 inside that box. Jason started heading toward the street.

"He's going to call the police you know..." I said to my father.

"He's not gonna do a fucking thing!" my father retorted at me.

I decided to stay quiet.

Once Jason was out of view, my father started the car and pulled off. He started driving and kept saying "you need to have a good chat". He took me to the last place I expected, our church. We walked inside the church and he pushed me into the pastor's office. The pastor, who was middle aged, well shaved, and very intelligent, looked almost shocked when he saw us. He was more shocked at my condition, and my father's anger.

"Pastor Tim, please call the police, he's trying to kidnap me!" I cried out to him.

"I'm not trying to kidnap him, Tim." My father's mood had completely changed. He seemed to be calmer, like a chameleon. It was like he just blended into someone else. It was if he hadn't just snatched me up in public, and thrown me against my will into a car for no reason. I was shocked and disturbed. Pastor Tim looked at both of us and began to talk to us about what had happened.

When it was over, my father told me "you need to just walk home now" and left. I wasn't that far from home, so it wasn't a big deal. My body and mind were weak, however. I was drained. Everything that had just happened was the scariest and most disturbing thing in my life. I couldn't believe that my father had just done that to me. I walked toward the church parking lot and sat down against the building and cried. There was nothing else to do at this point but cry.

It wasn't long before I felt a warm hand against my back, and I felt an arm go around my neck, and I was pulled into a tight hug. My eyes were closed, I didn't know if it was god, the pastor, a creep. I didn't care. I needed a hug and this gave me that hug and so much more. I opened my eyes and looked down at the legs in front of me. It was a guy in black jeans... I could tell just from the jeans and shoes. I could tell from the feel of the muscles on his arms. I picked my head up and looked at the baggy black shirt. He was skinny, very skinny, but muscular. I finally pulled my head back and looked at this person.

I saw two of the most gorgeous green and brown eyes looking back at me. I had never seen this person before, but I was in love. I couldn't believe how gorgeous this guy was. I was shocked! All the warm feelings that I had from elementary and middle school flooded back into my body. He pulled me tighter as my head hit his chest and I began to cry again.

"Its ok buddy, its ok..." he quietly whispered to me as he held my head with his hand against him. I could smell his cologne and his deodorant now; it was strong, like old spice. I loved it!

I looked up at him and he rattled my hair with his hand, the he softly looked down into my eyes. "Come on, lets take a walk." He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me up, but he did something I didn't expect... he wrapped his fingers in between mind and held my hand in his.

I never realized until we were standing that he was older than me, but it was apparent he was. I was only 14, but he was at least 17 or 18. He was really cute, for a guy. I felt weird holding his hand, I admit. I never thought I would ever do anything like that, but it was what I needed. We walked down the street toward my house, but he pulled me off to this side street. It was the road he lived on. We walked in almost total silence. I looked at our hands, and he was slowly rubbing my thumb with his. I walked a little bit closer to him and leaned my head against his shoulder just slightly.

He finally pulled me toward a house on the road. It was dark and quiet from the outside. No one seemed to be home. He let go of my hand as he grabbed the key on his necklace and opened the door. As soon as the door was open, he grabbed my hand and pulled me inside.

"Welcome to my house!" he said with a smile as he threw his key onto the table. "Are you hungry?"

I looked at the ground, the ceiling, the walls, the table, the shelves, the clock, everything. This house was decorated nicely; it almost looked like a professional designer did it or something.

"Are you hungry?" he asked me again.

My eyes instantly hit the floor and I looked at my shoes. In fact, I kept staring at my shoes. I didn't know what to look at.

I saw his hand and arm approach me and then I saw his entire body appear under me. He had dropped to his knees and put his hands on my sides. He looked up at me, forcing me to look into his eyes. "Hi" he said casually. "Do you want something to eat, drink?"

"N-a-o" I almost squeaked to get the word "No" out. He grabbed my sides and pulled me toward him and he laid his head on my chest. My stomach growled just as he did it.

"Let's get you some food." He looked up and smiled at me. I looked down him and I could see down his shirt, he had a clearly defined chest. I felt my cock growing in my pants. I was confused, but I felt so close to him.

"Ok." I replied with a sigh.

The boy stood up and walked over to the cabinets, pulling out a box of macaroni and cheese. He turned around and lifted it up at me. "Sorry, this is like the only thing I know how to make." He blushed and grabbed a pot and put some water in it.

"That's ok." I said as I walked over to him and watched. "I'm Ryan..." I said shyly.

"I'm Ben; you probably haven't seen me before. I sit in the back on the way to school." He laughed as he looked at me. I stared down again, but he quickly put his hand under my chin and pulled my head up. "Don't ever look down again. I want to look at you, not your hair."

I looked at him and blushed, I felt so warm near him. I felt safe near him. I felt, everything and more.

"I always sit in the front..." I said sheepishly. "I don't really know many people in the back.

"Well you know me now, so you can sit with me tomorrow." He smiled and dumped the macaroni in the water. "Go sit down, turn on the TV, relax!"

I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. The walls were a chocolate brown and the sofas were brown leather to match. I plopped down on the longest couch and turned on the TV. The sofa was really comfy but the leather was really cold. I noticed a little blanket rolled up on top of the sofa but I didn't touch it. I didn't want to upset anybody.

The TV was blank, commercials here, commercials there, nothing interesting. I looked back toward the kitchen. From the front door, there was a small hall with two arches cut into the walls. On one side of the arch was the kitchen; on the other side of the arch was the living room. You could look from the living room to the kitchen, and if anyone came in the front door, you could see them from either the living room or the kitchen through the arches.

`It must be nice during holiday parties' I thought. `God what the hell am I doing? I just had a guy take me to his house, he's a lot older than me, and he could rape me for all I know. God I should be home calling the police!'

My thoughts were interrupted as he walked through the hall into the living room with a bowl of macaroni. "Hot soup! Hot soup! Watch it watch it!" he screamed out as he jumped back and forth then finally almost on top of me. "Here ya go buddy, eat up!"

I looked up at him and smiled and took a small bite of it. It was actually pretty good; he had put some other kind of seasoning in it that doesn't normally come in the Kraft Mac & Cheese box. I took a bigger bite the next time and watched him as he got on his hands and knees in front of the sofa and put his chin on the cushion, so just his head was looking at me. I couldn't help but giggle.

He sat up on just his knees and pulled his shirt off and threw it in the corner, before plopping down on the recliner next to me. "What's this crap you're watching?" he laughed as he switched it to Fuse Music TV.

"Hey, I like that song!" I replied, swallowing noodles whole just to get it out. The music video was just going off and there was no title listing for the song name. "Damn, what's it called?"

"I don't know, I just watch this for the little request messages." He laughed and threw the remote at the ground. "Hey, what are you staring at anyway?"

It was totally obvious. I had just spent the last two or three minutes staring directly at his chest, his neck, his eyes. I quickly looked down at the bowl of macaroni, it was almost gone. "Nothing..." I said stupidly.

"Hmm... do you mean nothing as in `I know what I was staring at, but I will feel embarrassed if I tell you' or nothing as in `I was staring off blankly'?"

"Umm... I don't know..."

"I don't know as in `I don't want to tell you' or honestly you don't know?"

I was beginning to feel what he was getting at. He wanted me to be honest with him. It was exactly what I didn't want to do. I didn't know why, but I felt attracted to him. He was just a normal guy; I was just a normal guy. I liked girls, not guys. But why couldn't I stop staring at him. I caught myself looking again and quickly pushed my head down.

I turned onto my back and looked up at the ceiling. I closed my eyes but then felt something really heavy jump behind me. Ben had jumped onto the arm of the sofa and his legs were on my sides, I opened my eyes and found I was staring right up at his crotch. I blushed and sat up quickly, but then he plopped down right behind me and grabbed my shoulders, pulling me back against him. I felt his cock against my back which gave me an instant boner. I felt his chest against my back as well; my head was resting just between his nipples.

"Hi..." he whispered to me softly.

"Hi..." I said back sounding confused. I pulled my head back to look at his. Just as I did he gave me a kiss on the forehead.

"Wow!" I said, jumping forward and off the couch.

"What?" he said smiling at me.

"I'm, I'm not gay or anything like that..." I started to say... but then I saw where he was looking. It was dreadfully obvious that I had a tent pole.

"Sit down" he giggled at me. "Your totally gay, admit it."

"No, I'm not! I've never even been with a guy!" I protested and my cock started to shrivel very slowly. "I've only ever been with girls! I don't want to be with a guy! That's sick!"

My `freshman being picked on' systems went into overdrive. I felt like he was insulting me, calling me a fag. I wasnt gay, what was I doing here with him? Why did I let him hold my hand? Why did I ever lean up against him? Why? Why? Why?! I thought he was going to hit me or something. I didn't know what to think. I was confused! Everything that had just happened, it wasnt like me. IM NOT GAY!

"I think I should go..." I said as I started leaping toward the door. I felt him grab my hand and he pulled me back against him. He put his arms around me and rubbed his cheek against mine then kissed my neck. He pulled back and kissed me on the lips. I was just sitting there letting him fondle me and touch me. I wanted him to stop, but I didn't want him to stop. I started to breathe heavy, my cock was growing again. I put my hands on his sides and pulled at him, and suddenly I felt his tongue enter into my mouth. I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop, and I kissed him with inexperience that would make a dog laugh at me.

I had spit and sweat rolling down my chin, I was hot and I was making out with a really cute... GUY! My systems jumped back into overdrive and I pushed him away from me. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! This is NOT happening!" I made for the door again but he pulled at me again, but this time he stopped when I was looking right at him.

"Listen... tomorrow... sit by me on the bus... ok?" His eyes looked so... vulnerable. It was like he was weak or loosing his strength. It was like he was about to cry, but he had a small fire in his eyes too. He looked... cute.

"O...ok." I said with a small smile. I opened the door and stepped outside. "Thanks... for everything." I said sheepishly as I turned around and started heading home. I heard the door shut behind me. I softly took my fingers and touched my lips just slightly. I bit my bottom lip and smiled. That was so cool... but wait, I'm NOT gay...

Inside the house, Ben rested his forehead against the door and bit his bottom lip. He sucked in a deep breath of air. `God... I'm so stupid' he thought to himself. He put his hands on the sides of his head and rubbed the hair on the back of his head. `So, so stupid.'

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