It was exactly 12 midnight when the thunder came crashing down on my house, the windows rattling with it's terrifying blast. The lights blinked only slightly, and the flash of lightning had illuminated his face with it's spiritual flare, making him oh so beautifl to me. I could hear the rain pelting my house from the outside, and saw him approaching me. A nervous vibe in his walk, so scared at what he was about to do. And so was I. It was afterall, my first time even touching another boy.
As his lips sensually connected with mine, I felt weak inside, almost numb. I never knew kissing another person could be this...this...breathtaking. I never thought I would be kissing him, never thought I would share this moment with another boy. Least of all this one. But here I was...actually pressing my lips against his, and feeling the soft muscles of his back with my hands. I was so excited, so much so that I was screaming inside. Screaming out of the pure joy that I had the opportunity to be filled with such wonder and magic. He pulled me closer to him, and I gave in, unable to control my attraction any longer. Whatever flaws he had, whatever problems I had with him before, they vanished the moment his tongue entered the moist insides of my mouth. Slowly at first, but then with more passion. God...he was so warm, so soft, so utterly beautiful to me at that moment. He was all I could ask for and more. I couldn't have dreamed up a better first kiss if I tried.
I began to run my hands up and down his sides slowly, and he mirrored my motions, his kissing becoming more forceful. But pleasantly so. My hands found their way to his delectible ass cheeks, gently grabbing a handful of each soft globe and squeezing it lovingly. Wow...it was even more tender than I had dreamed. His kissing began to get more passionate, and I did all I could to keep up, regretfully pulling one of my hands up from his ass and placing it tenderly at the back of his head. I was dizzy, enchanted, completely lost in him. It was beyond wonderful. I felt my heartbeat challenging itself to reach all new speeds, and it was hard to breathe without his soft embrace assisting me. I now had both of my hands entangled in his hair, and moaned softly into his mouth as he fulfilled my every need. My every desire. This was it, this was the boy I wanted to spend forever with above all others. As he laid me down onto the bed, his gentle teenage frame placing its weight on top of me, I sighed outloud, overjoyed to have finally found my missing piece. He tasted soooo good. And I wondered if I should go even further. Maybe we would, if he made the first move. Or maybe I should make the first move. Who knew? I was about to explode just KISSING him! Lord knows what would happen if I were to go any further. But it's been so long, that I guess I have been subconsciously doing this to him for as long as I can remember. I simply never thought I'd get my chance. Wow! But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Perhaps I should start from the beginning. My name is Craig, and I'm 15 years old. I won't beat around the bush when I say this, but I'm bisexual. Got it? No mistakes, no maybes, no strange 'phases' that I'm living through. I'm bi, that's it. Well...at least I think I am. I've fallen in love with girls before, and still turn my head to watch a nice ass pass me by in the halls every once in a while. So the attraction to girls is still very much there. But over the last few months, I've really been boy crazy. I mean EXTREMELY so! I don't know what it is. Maybe because I can hang out with the boys and not have people suspect that there's some kind of romantic attachment. Maybe because in gym class I get to see them naked. Maybe because I can relate to them on so many different levels, and do...'guy stuff'...without worrying about how some girl is going to react to a dirty joke that I tell, or the way my shirt doesn't match my shoes. Maybe because there isn't a single girl at my school who likes video games, basketball, and kung fu movies on Sunday afternoon. Whatever. But there was one thing that definitely opened my eyes and made me realize that this whole 'gay' thing would never go away. And he has a name.
Stephen.....wow...if I could go one day without saying his name, I might be free of whatever spell he had cast over me. But that just didn't seem at all possible. Even though I didn't know a thing about him other than his first name, he was beauty personified to me. I would often watch him in the halls, sneaking as many peeks as I could as I passed his locker. There was something soooo sexy about the way he rummaged around in there, switching his books and digging in his jacket pockets. Sigh...I couldn't explain it to you if I tried. He had this golden, windswept hair that always fell into place like the sculpted sand dunes of the Sahara. And talk about pretty green eyes...omigod! They entranced me with even the swiftest gaze as we passed each other throughout the day. Oh...Stephen, Stephen, Stephen! Geez...if there is one chance in hell that he's gay, I'll take it! I'm not bad looking either. I'm no Stephen by any means, but I'm not struggling in the looks department. I've got brown hair with light blond streaks, kinda of a cute touch if I do say so myself. And although I'm a bit scrawny, I can admit to having a little bit of muscle to speak of. I'm not trying to be one of those classic teenage cases who is worried about every little thing and down on himself. I LIKE to look good, and I try to do just that, whenever I can. And Stephen was one of those guys who just made you work hard at being your best, simply because you knew he'd be there watching. There were some days where I walked by him in my favorite outfit, hoping that he would take notice. I'd pretend not to notice him at all, trying to play it cool, like I didn't care. Even though my heart was exploding over and over again at the thought of being close to him, of being in his line of sight. And for the few seconds that it took to walk past him...I felt like a king. Like a supermodel, tempting him with the seductive step of my walk, with the smell of my aftershower spray, with the ice blue splendor of my eyes. For that one moment each day, I imagined him feeling about me, the way I felt about him. And it was great. There was just one problem. One big 120 pound problem...and he had a name too.
Aaron!!! I swear...if hell were to try to combine all of the assholes in the world into one body...it would probably be scared to death of Aaron! What a loser! What sucks is, he and I used to actually be friends at one time. Way back in the fourth and fifth grade, we used to hang out all the time. Then came junior high. What happened? I'll tell you what happened! Mr. Popular decided he was too good to talk to me anymore. He figured his new friends were more important than me, that he would rather eat lunch with them instead of me, and I told him to fuck off. By the 8th grade, I had my new set of friends, and he had his. And that's the way it stayed until freshman year. However, to his good luck, and my misfortune, Aaron got to be in one of Stephen's classes, and the two of them seemed to hit it off rather well. The lucky little prick! I'd gladly run him down with my mom's car and put him in the hospital for a few weeks, just to get the chance to talk to Stephen alone for a while. But alas...I knew it wouldn't be that easy. If Stephen had ever even mentioned me to anybody, it would probably be to Aaron, and Aaron would tell him how stupid and 'uncool' I was in an attempt to keep him all for himself. Why him? Why couldn't Aaron have made friends with somebody ELSE? Like an edgy axe murderer or something?
The bad thing is, I'm not sure if Stephen was ever really apart from him. So any contact with him, meant contact with Aaron. And if I was going to ever take a chance, I'd have to seperate them long enough for me to be myself. I thought about coming up with a strategy over and over again, but there simply wasn't one outside of just coming out and telling him how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. Even more subtle approaches would lead to that one moment eventually. They were just all connected. 'Be his friend, hang out with him, get to know him, get close to him...get really close to him...wait for the right moment...and...and...tell him I love him.' Grrrr! See what I mean? It was unavoidable. I was going to HAVE to tell him eventually, or throw away the chance that he might feel the same altogether. Why does this have to be so damn difficult?
I had been struggling with this for months now, and I had hardly ever gotten past hello when I saw him. It's not that he wasn't a nice guy, because he was. Always a smile on his face, always polite...sigh...and so beautiful. It's just that I never really had any time to approach him before. It was always a passing conversation in the hall, a joke in the lunch line, or saying 'see ya later' as I ran for the school bus. Never a chance to just sit down and talk. I wanted to know everything. His secrets, his dreams, his desires, his ambitions. I wanted so badly to hear it all. It would create such an absolute feeling of 'completion' inside of me...just to hear his voice and know that he was directing it towards me. It would be such a wonderful dream come true. But that wasn't MEANT for me...it was meant for Aaron! Arrrgh! Bastard!
It was getting close to summer break, and I knew that I had to tell Stephen how I felt, or at least become his friend, in the next month. Otherwise I'd be aching for him all summer long, and that would be unbearable. All I needed was a chance, just a brief one. Maybe today will be the day. I walked down the hallway as usual to see if I could catch him at his locker. Sure, it was on the wrong floor and waaaay on the other side of the school from my next class, making me eternally late for my math period on a daily basis...but hey, I've got Stephen, and I've got MATH...which one do YOU think I'm going to choose? As I approached slowly, I caught a glimpse of his soft blond hair, and my heart raced. There he is! Omigod omigod omigod! Ok...chill out Craig...you can do this. You don't have to profess your love or anything. Just say hello. Strike up a conversation, that's all. How hard can it be. Ohhhh...he's rummaging in his jacket again. That is SO CUTE! I just love the way his hair moves when he does that. I love the way he can just...be so gorgeous and not know it. 'He's so hot...' I whined to myself, trying to get my breathing back to normal so I could speak. I nervously walked over to him, and stood almost two feet away, for fear that he'd be able to feel my love for him if I were any closer. I didn't say anything at first, I was too scared. So I just watched him for a few seconds as he filled up his bag with papers and folders, and that's when he saw me.
"Dude, I didn't see you there. What's up?" He said. God his voice was cool. And that sexy smile. And his hair. And his hands had the most suckable fingers I had ever seen, so long and slender and smooth. I was losing my mind here.
"Hey...how are you...uh...dude?" I think that sounded natural, didn't it? I don't KNOW! I was so nervous that my stomach was rattling and shaking like mad, and I could feel my breath being stolen away by my own fear. How can someone I want to be so close to, make me want to run so far away in the opposite direction?
"Okay I guess. I've got some homework to finish up in study hall before this afternoon, but it's not too hard." He said 'too hard'. Oh wow...I wonder if he could tell what he's doing to me.
"Oh...yeah? That sucks." I said. I think he was waiting for me to say some more, but I didn't know what else to start off with. The only thing running through my mind was "I love you" and "I want you" and "I need you" and "I want to have hours and hours of mindblowing gay sex with you"! And I wasn't ABOUT to say any of those things out loud. So I rocked back and forth on my feet and twiddled my thumbs nervously as I waited for some kind of divine intervention to come along and keep me from feeling stupid.
"What's up bro?" Came a voice from behind me. And there was Aaron, sliding up to Stephen's locker and angering me with his very presence. "You ready to go?" He said. He pretended to not even notice me.
"Yeah, sure! Let me borrow some of your notes so I can finish this up quickly, ok?" Stephen and Aaron were talking, so openly, so easily. It hurt me to even see it.
"Hey...um...Craig, right? Look, I'll seeya later. Cool?" Stephen said, that pattented smile making my heart jump up into my throat.
"Yeah...sure. Seeya." Great, I sound about as intelligent and interesting as a plate of roast beef.
"Later." Aaron said, but I could tell he didn't mean it. We just have this love/hate relationship is all. He loves to hate me, and I love to hate him. I honestly used to think he was cute at one time. Not as cute as Stephen, he couldn't manage that if he tried. But brown hair and green eyes was a cool combination too. And a nice ass. I'll give him that. I always thought he had a nice ass. It was the only good thing about him as far as I was concerned. It's too bad I fucking hate him! Get past that, and he's a nice looking boy.
Our friendship ending was almost instantaneous. One day we were playing around, wrestling on the floor playfully over a stupid G.I. Joe figure, and suddenly I was on top and looking at him. He was cute back then, and we were like the best of friends. Then, he told me to get off of him. And he pushed me onto the floor. I couldn't help what I was feeling at the time! I was TWELVE for God's sake! I didn't understand it either, but I think I began to get hard or something, and maybe he felt it. Anyway, he said he was leaving and I was feeling a combination of hurt and anger at the time, so I told him "Fine! Get the hell out then!" After that, our conversations weren't the same. And I never heard him say it, but he's probably been calling me a fag behind my back ever since. Then, for whatever reason, he decided to hate me. He never called, he never spoke to me in the halls, and he found his own group of friends to hang out with. He did everything he could to avoid and ignore me. Ever since that day, I stopped being a friend, and became that homo that probably wanted to get in his pants. As much as I hated him for that, the first few weeks I really felt his absence. And it hurt..a lot. I'm so glad to be over that. It's weird, but nowadays, not only do I NOT miss him, I don't know why I was ever with him in the first place. Too bad, because if we were still friends, he'd be my ticket in to meet Stephen and hang out. If Aaron didn't already tell him that I was a fag or something.
That day at lunch, I decided to just sneak a candy bar into the library and draw a little bit. Besides, I had been working on something to take to the Comic Book convention when it came to town this weekend. The last one I went to, I displayed my work and got a very unenthusiastic reply to it. From my favorite artist no less. I don't know what I was expecting, I'm not THAT good, but I guess it was a dream of mine to have him say 'wow, that's fantastic' and evaluate my work with a little excitement. I remember Aaron being there with his own artwork and laughing his ass off at the artist's reaction, until he got one of his own. Suddenly he didn't find it so funny. Hahaha, serves you right you bitch! You see, Aaron and I used to draw together. He would do the character designs, since I suck. And I would do the actual drawings, since HE sucked. And somehow, together we could come up with something fantastic. But we weren't going to spend any more time together than we had to. So that had to stop.
I had been practicing every waking moment for this coming Saturday, and I was going to at least get my artwork signed whether the artist hated it or not. There was a big storm predicted for Friday night though, so I was hoping that all the artists would be able to get into town without the airport shutting down on us. But I was determined to make them take notice this year. I sat in that library, trying to draw every line to perfection. I had practically cramped up my fingers in the last few weeks, trying to get a decent portfolio together, and frustration swept over me every time I got a mark out of place. Believe me, art is a LOT more stressful when you know you have to actually show it to somebody you admire. Then...as if I was suddenly transported into a dream world of my own making, I saw Stephen walk into the library!
I don't think he saw me, but he sat just on the other side of the room, and took out some books and papers to study with. There he is! Right there! Oh...cool. I sat and watched him dreamily, observing his every movement, every gentle curve of his seductive teenage body, the shine and sparkle of his eyes as they met mine. His EYES!!! MET MINE??? Oh no! I've been caught! He saw me staring and then he waved at me. Omigod! What do I do??? Um...I know! I waved back, and then I saw him stand up and get his bag. WHAT'S HE DOING??? Is he leaving? No...wait...he's not leaving. He's coming over HERE!!! I panicked! I couldn't just run away or anything, but I couldn't just sit here either. What would I say? What would I do with myself. Oh no, he's almost here. I felt this nervous growl rumbling deep inside of me, and my body went cold with terror.
"What's up?" He said, and he put his bag down on the table next to me. Then he sat down to join me, and nothing could have scared me more. I had to fight just to keep from being nauseous!
"H-h-hi..." Oh great...here we go again with the 'Rain Man' routine. "What are you doing here?"
"Actually, I'm just killing some time. Nothing else to do, you know? Say...that's cool. Let me see that." He said. I looked down to see what he was talking about, and noticed that my sketchbook was open.
"Oh...this? It's nothing really. Just...you know...some doodles. Nothing special." I said, trying to use my hand to cover it up and hide what I could. But he just pulled my hands away from it. He TOUCHED me!!! A shock ran up my arm and I silently held my breath as I felt his skin rubbing against mine.
"Nothing special? What, are you kidding me? This is cool. I like it." He LIKED it!!! Oh wow...Stephen was touching the pages of my sketchbook! I couldn't wait to go home and lick every page. I was going to remember this moment for the rest of my life.
"Really? You think so?"
"Really, it's good. Is this what you want to do or something?"
"Um......yeah." I was so enraptured by him that I found it hard to look directly at him without feeling my erection swell. And yet, I couldn't summon enough strength to STOP looking at him for longer than a few seconds. This was a beauty that was meant to be appreciated.
"Kewl." He said, and then he went back to opening his books and everything. He continued to study...right next to me. I was so incredibly self conscious that I didn't dare draw another line. I couldn't concentrate, I could hardly breathe. He was sitting next to me. He actually walked over to come sit next to me. I love him...God I love him!!! I could hear the gentle scratching of his pen against the paper in his notebook, I could faintly hear him breathing, I could smell the sweetness of his scent...and it pained me to know that I could reach out at any time and just touch him. The only thing keeping me from doing so were my own insecurities. I could litterally touch him, hold him, even KISS him from where I was sitting. I had the chance right now to tell him I loved him! I could say the words right here, right now, and even if he rejected them, they'd be out there for him to know how I feel. Even if he didn't feel the same, even if the other kids in the library overheard and laughed at me, even if word got out around school...would it be worth it? Is Stephen's love worth that risk? Of course it is! Just taking that slim chance, that tiny, almost non-existant chance that he might actually feel the same way, or that he was at least homosexual. I think it would be easy for me to just tell him. But everytime I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye, I got even more nervous. All of my feelings of love were drowned out by fear and doubt. I couldn't say a word, nor could I move. Then...the bell rang.
"I've gotta run, man. I'll see you later Craig." He said, gathering his stuff.
"Uh....uh..." I tried to think of something to say. Something witty, something funny, something that will keep him close to me for just one moment longer. But all I could think of was, "...yeah. Sounds good." And before I was able to return to my senses, he was gone. He was here, sitting no more than a few inches from me, and yet he might as well have been light years away. I didn't even TALK to him! God, I'm such a reject. I mentally kicked myself for ruining my chances, yet again, and then collected my stuff to go to my next class.
And I continued to kick myself throughout the rest of the day. And all the way home. How could I be so stupid? I've gotta stop this constant pattern of chickening out at every given opportunity. He's just a boy for goodness sake, just like me. He just happens to be an incredibly gorgeous angel who probably wouldn't spit on me. That's all. Another night of longing, of feeling lost in love and desperately looking for the man with the map. Sigh...I'll either learn or die trying, that's for sure.
Thursday rolled around, as it always does after Wednesday, and I found myself making that same stressful journey that I always do past Stephen's locker. Once again, I straightened up, got my thoughts together, and went over to go talk to him. But Aaron was quick to join us today, and I didn't get to say much more than I had the day before. The little RAT, why doesn't he just crawl off somewhere and die?
"So Stephen, did you ever finish that stuff you were studying?" I asked. I didn't know exactly what else to say, but Aaron's presence made me want to compete for his attention, so I gave it a shot.
"Yeah, but the real question is, did you ever finish what YOU were working on?" He asked. I almost felt like smiling in Aaron's face at the thought of Stephen being so interested in my artwork.
"Actually, no. I am still working on putting a portfolio together for this weekend."
Aaron sort of sneered at me. "You're not thinking of submitting it at the comic convention again after last year, are you?" The NERVE of him.
"What, do you think I can't do it without you?"
"Let's be honest, you're good, but not necessarily great. Not enough for the convention anyway." He said.
I was beginning to feel my blood boil and my stomach muscles tightened up as I swallowed every urge that I had to hit him dead in the eye. "We'll just see about that when I come back on Monday, won't we?"
"Yeah. Sure. So...Stephen, you decide whether or not you're going to that party tomorrow night?" I don't believe it, he just slid right between me and Stephen by getting me off the subject, and then changing it! A clever move if I ever saw one. The slimeball cheated me out of the spotlight.
"You betchya! And Jonathan is coming too, I think he's bringing his brother's booze. So we're all set." Now, I don't drink, and I didn't think Aaron did either, but I was almost visibly giddy over the idea of Stephen being half drunk and...open to suggestions. Visions of him passing out and me kissing his lips while he sleeps crossed my mind. I can really be weird when I want to be.
"Sweet! It'll be just the three of us, we'll have a blast." Aaron said. I love the way he stated 'just the THREE of us'...him and Stephen and Jonathan...not me. Like it was even necessary for him to say so. To hell with him! I don't have to stand here and take this.
I began to just walk away after he said that, but Stephen called out to me. "Hey Craig? How's about we make it four and you come join us dude?" I stopped dead in my tracks and turned, wide eyed, to see if he was being serious. I felt like I had just been asked out to the prom! But I couldn't let them know it was the most incredible thing that's ever happened in my entire life! I had to downplay it a little bit.
"Yeah...ok. As long you guys are going, why not?" There, not too obvious. I saw the look on Aaron's face, and smiled sweetly in his direction to contrast his shit eating grin. Then I spun around and went on my way to being happily late for math. Sometimes...life is good.
After school, I just happened to run into Aaron again, and pretended not to even notice. But he stopped me anyway. "I don't even know why you're going to this party. You don't even know half of the people there."
"Well this is my opportunity to meet them, isn't it?"
"Yeah, whatever. Look, just don't ruin my good time by being all snotty, and we'll be fine." He said.
"ME? Being snotty? You've got no room to talk!"
"Hey, I'm not the one trying to go around stealing other people's friends out of spite."
"What the heck are you talking about? I'm not stealing anything from anybody. I happen to like Stephen." And after saying that, he seemed to look at me kind of strange. Like something had clicked inside of him, and he didn't like it at all. "I'll bet you do." Did he know? Did he figure out that I was gay at last? Had he been running on suspicion all this time, and now he's gotten confirmation? Shit.
"Forget it. You suck!" He said, and he began to walk ahead of me.
"So do you!"
"And the comic convention? Good luck! You'll need it without me there to hold your hand, pansy!" And then he just walked off. Fuck him! What do I care? I don't even know how we got to this point after being friends for so long, but the fact of the matter is I hate him. I hate him without even knowing why. Disgusting little know nothing brat! Whether he likes it or not, I've got a party to go to, and a cute boy to drool over. So I'd better get cracking on finding something to wear.
All that night, I skipped my homework and just tried to draw something decent. It was my last night to pick something before going to show off my work, and I wanted it to be my best. But as I drew, I realized that it just didn't feel right. My hand felt like it was on backwards, and nothing came out the way I wanted it to. I went back to my portfolio and I didn't even like the old stuff that I had done before. It was ALL wrong! All of it! What the hell? I only had a day to put a whole series of drawing samples together, and I had nothing. Dammit! This was all Aaron's fault! HE did this to me by telling me how much I suck. I swear, nobody on this Earth knows how to push my buttons the way he does. Nobody aggrivates me the way he does. Nobody deserves a kick in the nuts more than he does either! I just threw my drawings aside and tried to get some sleep. There was nothing else I could do. Everything I did was garbage anyway, nobody is ever going to give it a second look. And to think, I actually let Stephen see some of this stuff. I was so embarassed. I put my drawing materials aside, laid back on my bed, and just thought about what a party with Stephen would be like. I also thought about what fun I would have if I drove a hot poker through Aaron's eye, but mostly about Stephen.
Friday, the big day. I was beginning to think that maybe the weather man was wrong about a big storm coming into town. Everything was nice and sunny in the morning. It wasn't until later on that the clouds moved in. Like giant shadows, they glided over the city and soon brought nature's rain pouring down on us. It drizzled at first, then rained steadily, then went back to drizzling again. It was strange. I saw Stephen in the hall, Aaron by his side, and they were walking into their study hall together. I decided to follow for a quick second and say hello. If for no other reason than to piss Aaron off. I said hello and Stephen seemed happy enough to see me. I swear, he gets more gorgeous everytime I see him.
As we walked in, we stopped over by his friend Jonathan's desk. He had his head down in a book, but was obviously snoozing. Stephen took the tip of his pencil and buzzed it around his ear until he woke up, swatting it away. "Huh?..Wha?...oh man, don't do that." Jon said, almost slipping right back into his coma. Jon was a pretty cute kid himself, but how can anyone compare when Stephen was in the room?
"Come on, wake up. You've gotta get your energy up tonight so we can make ths party." Stephen said, sitting down behind him.
"The party...awwww dude...no way man."
"No way??? What do you mean no way?" Aaron asked.
"I mean exactly that, no way. I stayed up all night cramming to finish up this term paper, and then the damn computer lost it all in one press of a button. So I had to start all over again! Damn thing! This always happens! I should sell the piece of junk and get a Webtv!"
"The party, dude. What does this have to do with the party?" Stephen seemed a bit disappointed.
"It means that I've only had like 25 minutes worth of sleep in 48 hours, and I am going straight home and get into bed. That's what." Jonathan wasn't kidding either, I could see it in his bloodshot eyes. Both Stephen and Aaron tried to talk him out of it, but I knew he wouldn't budge. So I waved goodbye and told them to let me know what the plan is so I can meet them there. Then I walked out to get to my class. After running into a teacher or two, and almost being run over by a giggling horde of bullies known as the lacrosse team, I finally made it to class. I was so late that the teacher made it a point to try and embarass me. HA! Didn't she realize that I was going to a party with the loveliest boy in school as my date tonight? Psh! Let her cackle and moan all she wants, she can't ruin my good mood today.
I went home and dressed up as nicely as I possibly could without 'looking' like I was dressed up. If THAT makes any sense. And I awaited my phone call from Stephen to give me the details. And I waited, and I waited, and I waited...nothing. Maybe they weren't going? I looked outside and saw that it was pouring rain, and perhaps they changed their mind. Maybe they couldn't get Jon to go, and figured there was no point. Who knows? But as I began to come to the realization that the phone wasn't going to ring, I felt my heart sink. Another opportunity blown, another chance to talk to him gone. I was beginning to think that fate was against me and Stephen from the very start. If so, I wish it would drop somebody else in my lap. Someone as kind and cool and sweet and beautiful as Stephen. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is.
I waited around even longer, and finally gave up on the phone idea. Only one way to get things going now. I called Jonathan up, thank goodness he was on the yearbook comittee with me in the 8th grade, so I still had his number, and asked him for the address to the party. He wasn't kidding, he had just gone to bed and was really groggy, but he mumbled some directions and I did my best to translate before letting him get back to his beauty sleep. Then I grabbed my keys and an umbrella and went out into the rain to find this party.
I found out that it was only about 8 blocks from my house, and decided to hike it. When I got to the party, sure enough, I found just what I had expected to find. Stephen in the kitchen and Aaron standing by his side. "Craig! Dude, you made it!" Stephen shouted out. His words were a little slurred, so I guess he had already started in on the drinking.
"I thought you were going to call me." I said.
"Who me? No, I had to take a make up test after school today. So I told Aaron to call you as soon as he got home." He said.
I looked over at Aaron, shooting daggers with my gaze. "My bad, dude. I must have forgot." He said sarchastically. Son of a bitch! I can't BELIEVE him!!!
Stephen walked away from us, and I whispered to Aaron, "Don't even THINK about talking to me tonight! You got it? I don't want to hear one word."
"You almost make it seem like I ENJOY talking to you, nerd bomber!" He said, and just walked away. Arrrgh! He should be thankful for the fact that I haven't smashed his head in with a brick by now!
I went into the kitchen, and saw Stephen with a full cup of beer, and lighting up a cigarette. Funny, I didn't know he smoked. At least, I've never seen it before. Then again, how often do I see him anyway. As the night went on, I spent less time around Aaron and more time around Stephen. And he just kept getting more and more to drink and losing more and more of his balance. He must have smoked a half a pack of cigarettes by this time, and now he was laughing out loud at his own jokes. It was a funny experience to say the least. After a while, I was able to coax him away from the kitchen and into the living room. I sat him down on the couch, and he grinned at me in his near drunken daze. "How are you feeling?" I asked.
"I feel great!" He said. At least that's what I THINK he said, I'm not so sure on how to speak fluent 'drunk'.
This was my chance, at last. No Aaron to mess it up this time. I made sure of that. I 'leaked' to Susie Jenkins that he might have a crush on her, and she basically kept Aaron on the run for the rest of the evening. I know it was a lie, but he deserved it. Besides, 'lie' sounds so terrible. I like to think of it as more of a well thought out strategy. So...there he was. Stephen. I sat there and tried to talk to him over the music, tried to get to know something about him. ANYTHING about him. I wanted this to be full of magic, and it just...wasn't. There was too much going on, and it became clear that a party isn't the best place for first time deep conversations. Not to mention the fact that the alcahol in his system seemed to be getting more potent by the second, and I could see his eyes rolling around in their sockets.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay Stephen?"
He leaned forward and fell into my shoulder, "Yeah...I'm...just fine." Mental note, alcahol and cigarette smoke is not good for the breath. I leaned him back against the couch and just sat there for a second. I needed some space, some place where we could be alone. So we could talk. I could take him back to my house! I mean, the walk might sober him up a bit, my mom always works late at the hospital on Friday nights, and if something...happens...it can happen! Cool!
Suddenly, someone shouted "FUCK YOU!" from somewhere in the room. Everybody turned to look, and there was one of the new kids having an argument with one of his friends. He pushed his way past the crowd, spilling punch all over some kid's shirt, and went into the kitchen. Ok, things are getting a bit weird around here.
"Stephen, I've got an idea man! Why don't we get out of here, and just hang out for a while at my house?" I never thought I would have had the guts to ask before, but I knew that it was now or never. I was never going to have the courage, and he was never going to be this vulnerable to the idea as he is right now. So I took a chance and could only pray for the best.
"But...what about the party, dude?" He slurred.
"Screw the party. We can just talk." I said. And then he looked at me, and smiled. He actually SMILED! Was that a good thing???
"Sounds...sounds good Craig. I'll get my jacket." He then patted me on the shoulder and stood up on wobbly legs to put his coat on. Oh wow....I think he was..he was INTERESTED! Just maybe! I don't know for sure, but maybe! I almost got an erection immediately at the thought of telling him how much I dream about him, how much I love him, how much I've always wanted to tell him and could never find the words. When he came back, he threw an arm over my shoulder and I guided him to the door. Great...my big chance is here!
We left the party and walked for a few blocks in the rain, his arm on my shoulder, more for balance than just affection, and I attempted to talk to him. It wasn't the same though. I mean, he was talking, but mostly about himself. Just going on and on about this and that, and from what I could decode of it, none of it was really all that important to me. I began to think about it more, and Stephen wasn't really turning out to be the beautiful angel that I was expecting him to be. Not at all. But so what if he had a few flaws, they'll change in time. And hell, he was DRUNK. So it's not really a good time for him to be making a first impression. His feet were dragging a bit more now, and he was getting heavier and heavier on my shoulders. I couldn't even use the umbrella because I was so busy trying to support my intoxicated buddy there.
Just as we got about halfway to my house, I heard splashing noises behind us, and I turned to see Aaron running to catch up to us! SHIT!!! What is it going to take? A gunshot to the stomach before he leaves us alone? "You left me? What's that about?" He said.
"I thought I told you we were leaving." I said.
"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't."
"Oh geez. My bad, I must have forgotten." I said, giving him the same sarchastic crack that he gave me earlier.
"Screw you! You know that was LOW what you did back there!" He said. Aaron scooped himself under Stephen's other arm to help me carry him.
"What are you babbling about now?"
"I'm talking about Susie Jenkins you son of a bitch! You told her I liked her! I KNOW it was you! Nobody else would be that cruel!"
"Hey, YOU started it with the whole 'forgetting to call me bit' and telling me that my artwork sucks and all. You've been an asshole for a long time now, and I'm sick of it." Stephen was starting to slip, as he was almost passed out in our arms. We picked up the pace a little and dragged him faster so we could set him down somewhere.
"I haven't been the asshole, Craig, you have. You don't talk to me, you don't call, you don't send any emails...you just decide one day that you hate me and that's that."
"I didn't decide to hate you. You pushed me away first. Suddenly you don't have time for me anymore, you've got better friends and you're too good to talk to me anymore. All I ever asked you for was a little attention, and you couldn't even give me that much."
"Oh, but Mr. Beer Breath here can? Is that right?"
"As if you cared, yes. Maybe he can. If you step out of the way long enough for us to talk. You're just always lurking around like some kind of fungus. Why don't you just get lost and let us be friends." I said. And that's when Aaron had had enough. He slipped out from under Stephen's arm and let his full weight almost pull me to the ground.
"You know what, Craig? I'm sick of you too! We had a fight, ONE fight, and you hold it against me forever!"
"That fight hurt me a lot dude."
"Why? What hurt you so much about a little thing like not wanting to roll around on the floor like a bunch of queers?" He shouted. I looked up at him, his green eyes sparkling with the raindrops that fell into them. And I was hurt by him all over again. It was a deep pain that cut me to the bone, and made me realize that this friendship is really over.
"You just don't get it, do you?" I said, and I started walking forward again.
"Goodnight Aaron!" I said, never once turning around to look at him.
"FINE! Go home with your little boyfriend there! See if I care!" He said, turning around to go back the other way. And just as he said it, I saw a bike come ripping around the corner. Ridden by a young kid with curly red hair, the bike was tearing through the streets like a bat out of hell. The kid couldn't have been more than ten years old, not from the quick flash that I saw. He was peddling fast to get home out of the rain, and he looked like he was racing with somebody on the other side of the street. He almost ran into us at top speed. He whizzed by me and Stephen and headed right for Aaron. I tried to warn him.
"Aaron! Dude, look out! Behind you!" But by the time he turned around, it was too late. The kid almost clipped him and he fell backwards into a huge mud puddle in someone's front yard. I wondered if he was alright, but I had to admit...that was pretty damn funny. "I've never seen you look better dude!" I laughed, and just went to take Stephen home with me.
As soon as I got inside, I put down some towels so that we could sit on the sofa together. Stephen let his head droop backwards, a blissful smile spread across his tired face. His eyes were closed, and I used the opportunity to just stare at him up close. God he was beautiful. I felt myself begin to stiffen as I watched him, and I just inched closer to him every second. I just wanted to see how close I could get before he stoped me.
"Whoah..dude...too close." He said, using his hand to sloppily push me away. "Say...can I have some water or something?"
"Um...yeah, sure." I hopped up to get him a glass, trying to will my hardon to go away. He was in my house, almost unconscious. If ever there was a time to tell him I loved him, this was it. Okay Craig, get yourself together, take a few deep breaths, and just do it. I brought it back to him and waited for him to gulp it down before I started. I waited for the very last swallow, and then I figured it was now or never. "Um...Stephen?"
"I...I know you haven't really known me long...but I know who you are. I mean...I've always known who you were...I mean...sometimes..."
"Huh?" He said.
"Sigh....okay...I'm just going to say this. But you have to promise me that you're not going to freak out or anything...and you can't tell anybody...ever! Ok? Got it? Stephen?" But when I looked over at him, he had his eyes looking directly down at his feet. I had never seen that look in his eyes before. Never before had I seen that intensity, that nervousness. Was this my shot at happiness? My miracle come true at last? Could it be that he actually LIKES me? Stephen turned to look at me, his soft hair falling into his eyes, his gaze capturing me and causing me to tremble inside, and he slowly rose to his feet. His eyes were so beautiful, and that look, it was making me melt. I stood up to join him, and waited for him to speak. A look of fear came across his face, and I knew that this could be it! Something was going to happen! Then he suddenly put his hand up to his mouth, made a mad dash for the kitchen, and threw up in the sink! I just...stood there, not knowing whether this was a good sign or a bad sign. I couldn't move, I just remained perfectly still and listened to the sounds of the most beautiful boy in the world blowing chunks all over my mom's dirty dishes. It took me a full five minutes before I snapped out of it, and went into the kitchen to see if he was alright.
I looked at him, and he was down on one knee, holding onto the sink, and just looking for a place to lay his head on the cold linoleum. "I...I...feel sooooo much better." He said. "Now...I've...I've gotta go beddy bye." And he began to lay down on the floor.
"No no no no! No beddy bye! Come on...wake up. You...you need to go home dude." Enough was enough. This is not how I planned for this night to go at all, and this was obviously a bad time to do anything. I just wanted to put this all behind me and forget that this night ever happened. I'll try again some other time. "I'm going to call somebody from the party to pick you up and take you home dude. K?"
"I'm sorry....sooo sorry...about the dishes dude. That's...that's gross..." He muttered. Mental note, vomit doesn't mix well with beer and cigarette breath.
"That's okay dude. Don't sweat it...just....just..." And I looked down to see that he had completely passed out in my arms, so I dropped him. "...just sleep dude."
Well THIS night evidently turned out to be a complete washout! I called someone to pick Stephen up and they whisked him away. I also ran some hot water over the dishes in the sink, and put them through the dish washer...about FOUR times! And I'd still be eating off of paper plates for months to come. I was getting ready to just hit the sack and wake up with this whole night adding up to some memory that hopefully I'd be laughing about in the years to come. But before I could get undressed, I heard a knock at the door. I wondered if maybe it was Stephen again. Maybe he had left something behind, besides his lunch that is. But when I opened it, I saw Aaron standing there.
"Not ONE word Craig! Not ONE! Lemme in!" He said, and he pushed his way past me. He must have showered or something, because he didn't look as dirty as he should have been after his mud bath.
"You clean up good, you know that?" I said.
"Shut up! You know, if I don't know any better, I'd say you planned that! What did you do, put out a hit on me tonight?" He said, going over to the phone.
"I had nothing to do with that. That was fate that pushed you into the puddle."
"Yeah, whatever. I was lucky that the guy hosting the party was nice enough to let me use his shower. What time is it?"
"11:55...is there a reason you're here?" I asked.
"Yes there's a reason I'm here. I'm the victim of one of your little pranks again!"
"What do you mean?"
"Did you call the party for someone to pick Stephen up and take him home?"
"Yeah. He was sick, there was no way he could make it home alone."
"Thanks a LOT, dipshit! That was MY ride home!" Aaron said dialing the phone. He waited for an answer, but there wasn't one. It made sense since they had just left recently. He hung up the phone in anger, and leaned against the couch. We had an uncomfortable moment of silence, and then he spoke. "God you suck! This has been the worst night of my life!"
"Hey! I didn't knock you into a puddle of mud, I didn't make Stephen too drunk to get home on his own, and I didn't tell you to take a shower in somebodies house so you wouldn't hear your ride leaving you behind! So don't be upset with me. You should be glad I even let you in my house after all you've done to me."
"DONE to you? Are you kidding me? All I've ever tried to do was be a friend to you, and all of the sudden you turn into this big jerk that I can't stand to be around!"
"YOU started this whole thing a long time ago with that stupid fight. I don't even remember what it was about anymore. All I know is that you changed after that."
"I changed? You're the one who suddenly stopped talking to me! You cut me off, didn't have time to see me, never called, never emailed...nothing. Suddenly we just stopped. No warning, no reason, just poof. I was going to overlook the fight! I just wanted to get back to normal!"
"THIS is normal? Is it normal to just pretend that we were never friends? Is it normal to just ignore me? Is it normal to call me names to my face and behind my back? Is that what you call normal?"
"I'll tell you what I call normal! It's not wrestling with your best friend and being...and getting..."
"What?" I asked, finally getting to the very core of the thing that we broke up over in the first place.
"Nothing. Forget it."
"Forget it? No, come on! Tell me."
"I don'twant to talk about it! What time is it?" Aaron asked, getting flustered and going back over to the phone.
"It's two minutes later than the last time you asked." He picked up the phone, dialing more frantically this time. Still no answer. He slammed the receiver down. "DAMN!"
But I continued. "So go on. Being what? Getting what?"
"I TOLD you...I don't want to talk about it! So drop it already!"
"Oh that's just great! Why don't we just forget it? We'll just throw everything away because of one little meaningless wrestling match!" I shouted. Why do I even try?
"It wasn't that meaningless to ME, Craig! That's the problem!"
"As usual, I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about! But the difference this time is that I couldn't care less!" I said.
"FINE!" I exploded, and we just turned our backs on each other and returned to silence. But Aaron didn't leave it that way.
"I didn't know what to do, alright?" He said, but this wasn't a shout or a sarchastic dig, he was almost apologetic with it.
"About....about YOU! Ok? I just...sigh...geez I can't believe I'm about to do this..." He was shaking, I could hear it in his voice. I turned to look at him, and he had a tear in his eye.
"I felt...different. I don't know what it was, and I didn't want to know. I was just...you were my best friend and...we needed some distance, that's all. I didn't think it would go this far though. I thought I would be away from you for a few days...and come back and everything would be fine again. But when I did come back, it got worse. And worse. And worse. And even when I wasn't around you, I was thinking about it, and...I just wasn't ready for anything like that."
"Wait, I don't get it." I said. But when he looked into his eyes, I think it became clear what he meant.
"Don't make me say it." He said, two streams of tears falling from his eyes. I don't know what it was that had come over me all this time, what had blinded me from this possibility for so many years, but the veil had suddenly been lifted, and I could see it clearly once again. There was a reason his rejection hurt me so much, a reason why only he could make me this mad, a reason that my artwork wasn't the same without him by my side, or why his opinion meant so much to me, or why I had been keeping him in my thoughts for most of the day. We had grown up together, played together, had sleepovers and everything. We both enjoyed the same things. We both had the same sense of humor, and evidently the same meanstreak. But as I looked over at him from across the room, I knew what had happened. Somewhere along the line, somehow...I think I fell in love. In fact, I think I loved him all along. I was hurt, sure, and hated him in return so I could protect myself from being the outcast, from being the only one to feel that pain in my heart. But deep down, we were more alike than anyone else we knew. We had a relationship whether we knew it or not, even if it WAS majorly screwed up.
We stared at each other for a moment, and just before the clock struck midnight, I whispered, "I love you too. I always have." Then the clock clicked over that last minute. The thunder scared the hell out of both of us, it was so loud! The lights blinked briefly, and the lightning strike brought out the beauty in Aaron's eyes.
He teard up some more, and said, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do with myself...it felt...wrong. It's supposed to be WRONG! But it wasn't. Not with you."
"I know...I didn't know what to do either. When you got mad at me...I just...I freaked. I was hurt, and scared, and...just confused. I'm sorry. Really." Our eyes connected and the sound of the rain seemed to pull us closer together. Before, all we could see in each other's eyes was hate and envy, now all we saw was lost time, friendship, and for the first time...love.
And that's how it all happened. That's how I got to be here, kissing him, touching him, and realizing that he was the person that I wanted to be with forever. We caressed and held each other tightly, gently exploring our feelings of love for the very first time, in the safety of each other's arms. His tongue moved in the most sensual circles inside of my mouth, and it felt incredible. Our tongues were making love, humping and twisting around each other slowly, as it made our passionate liplock even more erotic. And we went to my bedroom, where I turned out the light, and guided him to the bed. The rain set our rhythm as we spent the next hour kissing and touching, rolling back and forth on that bed until we were both ready to burst with angst and sexual frustration. Then we laid back, goofy grins plastered on our faces, and there was only one thing left to do. Something special and sacred to finish bringing us closer together and make us become one with each other again. I kissed him tenderly on the lips and whispered, "How about we give them something to talk about tomorrow?" He smiled and nodded, knowing exactly what I was talking about. We quickly hopped out of bed and over to the desk...where we put some ideas together for the comic convention on Saturday. His designs, and my artwork, we were sure to at least make a decent showing. It was great. Sex? Oh...yeah, sure we had sex, The best sex that ever was...about a week or so later! After making out and dry humping a billion times, we couldn't help but take the next step. Just being able to taste his lips against mine was enough at the beginning. I guess, in a way, it still is. What do I look like, a slut? Hehehehe! But once we got into it, the sex just got better and better! It was awesome! More spectacular than anyone has ever written or talked about. I don't think they would ever REALLY be able to capture the true feelings behind it anyway, especially through a virgin's eyes. Just his taste, and his touch, and his hands, and the smoothness of his chest, and his soft thighs as they rubbed the sides of my face...oh man. Sorry, got a little sidetracked there. Anyway, Aaron and I are inseperable these days, and madly in love. Who would have thought?
As for Stephen...psh! Stephen who? Evidently he had another 'out-of-stomach' experience in the car on the way home. That was one ride that Aaron was glad he missed. He's still cute I suppose, but he's not in Aaron's category. He couldn't manage that if he tried. I know, I know...so what, I changed my mind. Teenagers are fickle, I'm entitled. It surprised me too. To think that trying to hate someone so much would cause the exact opposite reaction...love is weird. Ain't it grand?