The Other Side Of Me
My Journal Entry
Disclaimer: If you are not allowed to read this in whatever part of the world you are living, then try not to get caught, and legally you shouldn't be reading this. If you are not 18 or older then again, do not read. Lastly, this will contain gay sex between consenting people and if this offends you then click back and ask why you're on here in the first place. This story is property of myself, the author, and may not be copied or used on other sites without my express permission.
All comments to ME, greatly appreciated
I lost my virginity to a guy when I was 17. I was actually 12 when I lost my virginity to a girl, but that's a different story. Jeremy was my first and I thought I was in love. In many ways I used to have a bad habit of comparing other guys to him. He had been a rugby player and god was he tall!
Ironically, I was the first guy he had ever `done' anything with. Yeah, he secretly had urges for guys, but at the time he had been too scared to attempt anything with the type of guys he hung around with. To all intents and purposes, he even had a girlfriend and none suspected him of being anything but straight. I met him because he was best friends with my cousins. They were sporty and giants and all those great fucking qualities that make men look manly and all that jazz. I was short, and skinny. But thank god I wasn't lanky. I was proportioned well, just on a petite scale.
I drank him under the table one night. We were playing silly drinking games and I knew how to play those games. I was good at remembering stuff no matter how drunk I got. When my cousins gave me shit because they kept loosing and I was winning, I always had a smart come back that had them in fits of laughter, and if they ever got nasty, I gave as good as I got. Jeremy liked that about me. He once told me that when I danced I had this, `come hither' charisma, but at the same time I gave the impression I was off limits. He surprised me sometimes with the things he came up with. I mean, he wasn't dumb, he just never felt the need to read deeper into any given situation the way I could, and still do.
He came to a party that we had down on our family farm. It consisted of three enormous garages watching over 10 hectares of prime land and a large pond. One garage was set up as the sleeping quarters that could fit over forty people comfortably, the other was the dinning and cooking area, and the last was the ablution blocks...yes, I have a large family.
Jeremy ended up sleeping beside me on the mattresses that were spread out on the floor. I went to bed early because I hadn't had much sleep nor was I in the mood to drink too much. (And yes, our family allowed us to drink at an early age as long as we did it in front of them, they were fine with that.) During the night, I felt Jeremy's hand slowly creep over to mine. We held hands under the blankets and, I remember my heart pumping as I heard the shuffling around of family all around me. I wasn't entirely out with my family back then. Yeah, I went and got up to mischief, I was a horny teenager, but none save a few family members knew who or where I was going to get my thrills.
From that time on, we got a little more adventurous every time he came to my family parties. And because they were regular occasions, we got to see each other more and more. I think mum suspected and one night I invited Jeremy over to my house, naturally with a few of my cousins in tow. But I just wanted to see him, and I think he felt the same way about me, because we had these goofy grins on our faces when we saw each other.
We used to see each other outside of the family and just go and watch movies and stuff. During those times, he would take me out to the look out near the airport, and that's when we would get hot and heavy. He wasn't the best of kissers, but by the time I was finished, he was mimicking me, which was exactly how I wanted it. I wasn't shy to tell him what I liked and didn't. He liked that about me, since he told me that most girls expected him to know how to please them and he always had to make the moves. With me, it was different. I was in love, and I showed him. I wasn't afraid to try something different. I had always been creative with sex, even back then.
I gave him pieces of myself. The longer we stayed together, the more I fell into the idea of becoming a couple. I remember my first time with anal sex. He took his time with me. He stretched me and played with my ass until I was able to take him deep inside of me. The silly thing about my first time was that we didn't even have lube. He just shoved it in and it was my spit, and his precum that acted as the natural lube. For the first five minutes of him pushing it in and out of me, I was too busy trying to adjust to the whole sensation of a cock up my ass. But somewhere along the way, he finally hit the right spot, and then I couldn't get enough of it. He wasn't sure what he had done, but he tried again and the pleasure just skyrocketed. I remember the sweat was pouring off him and raining down on me. My mouth was open and my legs were over his shoulders. He had his entire weight on me that time and his teeth were gritted as he pounded hard and fast into me.
I remember in my delirium, looking up at his face, and there was this look on his face. As if he was cherishing what he was seeing. I couldn't lie about how much I was enjoying it because my hard cock was enough evidence to prove that he was doing something right. I think that got him off knowing that I was truly enjoying what we were doing. Because of our height difference, it was a little hard to kiss, in that position, but that was okay. I was too busy trying to stifle my whimpers. But Jeremy loved the little noises I made, and he would use his entire muscles in his lower body to push into me. It left me gasping for air, and that always turned him on. Mind you, I never complained and loved every second of it.
For five blissful months, we were on cloud nine. But things changed. Rumors started speculating about us, and it terrified Jeremy more than me. I knew that I was gay, and I was on the cusp of admitting it to my family, so to me, what better way than to have the man I loved by my side whenever the axe came to pass. Jeremy on the other hand was more afraid to come out than I was. He began distancing himself. Making up excuses why we couldn't meet. At first I was understanding, and thought that I could wait it out. But time went on and he didn't call. I tried ringing him only to be yelled at for ringing him so often. He started complaining that I was smothering him and that he needed space.
So I gave him the space he required, hiding how much I was hurting because he was no longer in my life. When we would accidentally meet, (well on my part it was no accident.) I was only allowed to talk to him when people were around. Other than that we weren't allowed to talk in private. It felt as if I had broken shards of glass pumping through my blood. I used to look at him and see the pieces of myself I had freely given in a time when we were happy, and pray that he would see those pieces and come back to me. Many of my friends tried to tell me to move on. That Jeremy wasn't worth my time. But how can you give up those rose colored glasses when it is your first taste of love? I had wallowed in a paradise of my making and it was withering from lack of nourishment. Nevertheless, I held onto the belief that all I had to do was be in the background and eventually he would look up and see me.
One night, he was drinking with my cousins in our garage. By this time, I no longer went out to drink with them. I couldn't bear to watch him. He had started bringing his girlfriend around. That night, was the first time in a long time he didn't have his girlfriend hanging off him. Naturally I would have been out there in the hopes of seeing his smile and listening to him laugh. But I realized how pathetic I had been over him and to save what dignity I could muster, I stayed in my room.
I paced that floor until I nearly wore the carpet down to bare floors. When I was tired enough, I finally crawled into bed and curled over on my side. Some time during the early hours of the morning, I felt a warm body glide up against mine. Hands that had once felt so familiar pulled at my clothes, loosening them until I was naked from the waist down. My head screamed at me to push him away and tell him to get fucked. But my heart betrayed my convictions. My body had missed this, and tears of defeat slid down my face in the darkness. He didn't even know.
That night was hot and furious. We were in the spooning position and he held my upper body tightly to his as he rocked deeply into me. One of his legs was over mine keeping me firmly locked to his side. The initial pain of penetration had burned under the intensity of what we were doing. He grunted when he came, holding me to him until his body relaxed. He leaned over and whispered something in my ear that changed me.
I have to take a break from narration to explain something before I continue. To this day, although the words he whispered no longer have the power it used to, it has tempered me and made me the person I am now. I also take a break because as I write this to you, I felt myself falling back into the past. So a cup of tea was in order.
"I'm going to be a daddy. So I wanted to say goodbye."
I felt hot and then suddenly cold as he rolled away from me and started pulling his clothes back on. I got out of bed and lay on the floor curled up. Inside, I felt the rage of the beast consume me. It filled me with jealousy, hate, anger, and most of all contempt; burning contempt at myself. My beast devoured me. If I could describe him, he would have been a hulking wolf. It would have dark grey fur with green eyes, razor sharp fangs and black claws that went `clickety clack' on pebbled or stony ground. My wolf rode me hard and fast. And inside I was screaming, howling to the moon about the unfairness of life.
A terrible clarity came to me then. They were dark thoughts and because of the pain that was riding my soul, I sank down into that pit of hate and enjoyed the dark insights that I was getting. I knew that screaming and ranting wouldn't get me anywhere with him. He had a way of blocking out things he didn't want to hear. But I had other ways of tormenting him. I looked into his eyes and cupped his face gently. The beast howled at me to hurt and render, but I was going to do something much more.
I made love to him. It was tender and lasting. Every time he got near, I stopped. I nibbled over his body; I licked over all the places that were part of his tender spots. The places I had discovered on his body in a happier time. The places that would make him putty in my hands. He mewled and begged for me. I gave him a cold smile, but he was too lost in his own delirium to see. I rung out each moan and groan to the utmost. He was panting and thrashing side to side. A few times I had to hold just underneath the mushroom head to stop him from exploding. I tied his hands to the bed post after the second attempt to stroke himself off. I made him call my name out. I made him beg me for release. I asked him who his master was. At first he refused to say my name, but by the sixth time of being denied release, he acquiesced. At the end of it, I had him saying that Jeremy was Graeme's fuck slave. I reveled in it. When he was allowed his release, he gave out a long croon. His neck was stretched with the muscles cording his throat.
His eyes were drooping when I lowered my face beside his ear. "Thanks for the fuck." I whispered.
Once he was snoring, I got out and crawled a little underneath the bed. Sure enough there was my radio, tape cassette player still on record. Glee filled me as I held the evidence that could damage Jeremy in the eyes of all those who thought they truly knew him. I looked at his sleeping form with a huge smirk on my face. "You want to fuck with me? I'll fuck you over you prick." I spoke those words to his snoring face.
I was tempted to leave him sprawled naked on my bed with his cum all over his body, and let my cousins see him in that state. That gave me so much satisfaction, that I was half way out my bedroom door. There was two large queen sized beds set up in the back half of the triple garage. That's where my two cousins would be sleeping right now.
I walked into the garage. It smelt of alcohol and I wrinkled my nose as I peered at my two sleeping cousins. Both were sprawled over the beds, their feet hanging off the edge. In my hands was the evidence. An idea came to me, and I placed the tape beside the old stereo that was set up near the beer fridge. I nearly jumped up and down and did a little jig.
I stared at the tape cassette on my way out. It was still early in the morning. I went back to my bedroom pulled up the chair near my desk and watched Jeremy sleep. That dark euphoria was sliding away only to be replaced by pain. Large tears slipped silently down my cheeks as I finally said goodbye to the one man I thought would be the one for me. My body shook, but I refused to give in to the loud sobs that were dangerously close to the surface. I pulled my knees up to my chin, sitting precariously on the computer chair, and wrapped my arms around them as I gave into my tears.
I don't know how long I sat there, but by the time I had finished, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I cleaned Jeremy up and managed to put his boxers and shorts back on. I couldn't put his t-shirt on, I couldn't lift his upper body enough, and he was a dead weight as it was. I went back outside and retrieved the tape cassette and placed it inside the drawer of my desk.
Seven months later, Jeremy became a father to a little girl called Crystal. In the interim, I was a zombie. My inner beast was the only constant companion through those dark days. And there were times that my mind would howl and snarl, like a rabid wolf. I withdrew from everybody, hardly speaking or even acknowledging others around me. I had given too many pieces of myself and I was no longer a whole person because of it.
I lost my ability to laugh. Gone was my drive to succeed, and my heart was nothing but a solid granite of ice. I was convinced that I would never find my soul mate.
As time went on, it wasn't one person that returned my laughter to me. It was a group of them. It was the laughter I heard from my nephew's and nieces. Uncles and aunts, my entire family. My drive to succeed was revived with the help of my fellow school mates. They pushed and prodded until I started taking active interest in the things I used to love doing. The longest thing to thaw was my heart. That took many years before I was willing to allow it out of its cage. And that was done by a young teenager who taught me to care. He admired me for who I was, without the sexual connotations.
As for my soul mate? He will come, and this time round I know who I am, and what I am willing to put up with. So the next man I give my heart to, better be prepared because I am no longer the little flower you can trample upon. I'm a force of nature. The beast is still within me, but now I see him gamboling through fields, chasing after imaginary cats. He runs back to me and breathes his hot breath upon my face, his tongue lolling to one side in a doggy smile.
But there is one thing you need to be careful, about my beast and me. I was given title of `guardian' from an elder. If you mess with us, we'll fuck you up. My wolf is my totem and whomever we consider one of ours, we protect with all that we have. But if you betray us, then be prepared. I am no longer the young gentle person I used to be. I have sharp edges to me. I'm willing to fight for what's mine. So if you fuck with me, I'll fuck you up.
On a side note, the last time I saw Jeremy was a few weeks before I moved here to Australia. I was going to the movies and he called out my name. He had grown a mustache and his body was a lot softer. He worked as a security guard now. He gave me the once over, and inwardly I smiled. I looked good and he knew it. That's not to say I had muscles or anything, but I was still as trim as I was when he first met me.
He gave me an intense stare. Once upon a time I would have melted under that look and done anything he asked off me. But I felt nothing. We did the usual small talk and he told me he had two more boys, so three in total. I gave him hearty congratulations and actually meant it. I couldn't talk too long my movie was about to start, so I cut it short. As I walked past, I felt his eyes upon me and if I swayed my ass just a little more than I normally would, well that's because my jeans were a little low on my hips. Nothing more than that...
By the way guys, I have a yahoo group where you can see all my writings. I also have another talented and amazing author Lincard sharing his stories too. I will be sending my stories there first. So become a Member and enjoy. Otherwise feel free to Contact me.