Date: Thu, 17 Sep 1998 01:10:37
From: fucacanuck@usa.net
Subject: Q.H.S. Pinks 3

I awoke the next morning still feeling the after-glow that I was told
comes after having sex. Bizarrely, I expected it to be something like
a hang-over. Was I ever wrong, this was nothing like a hang-over. This
was the most relaxed I had ever felt in my entire life. I guess they
are right when they say sex really does get rid of frustration.

I had slept on my stomach all night facing the opposite side that Steve
was on. When I thought of turning over I got this horrible feeling in
the pit of my stomach. If memory served me correctly, the last time I
woke up in this bed I got a heart-breaking letter. Dear god, I just
could not handle one of those again.

Curiously, I slowly and quietly turned myself over to face the other
side of the bed. My heart warmed. He never left me this time. There he
was, sound asleep, beautiful. He had a look of innocence this morning.
A calming look, peaceful and serene. The sun gently highlighted his
facial features in a warm orange glow. I really didn't want to disturb
this angel from heaven but I just couldn't bare not to touch him. He
was lying on his side facing me, with his knees brought up slightly
and he was sort of hugging his chest. It was just so cute. I managed
to move one of his arms and slid under it, resting it on top of me as
I pulled myself into his chest. He moaned slightly as I did this. I
don't think he awoke fully, but I am sure he knew it was me as he
returned the hug and rocked me back and forth just a little.

"Morning stud." He said in a hoarse morning voice. I giggled at him.
"Stud? Now that's a first." "Well you're MY stud, and that's all that
matters," Steve muttered as he turned over resting his entire body
weight on me as he hugged me into him yet again. "I could spend the
entire day with you right here." "That's practically impossible 
Steve," I said while rolling my eyes teasingly. "Oh, ruin a man's 
dreams why don't you?" he mockingly whimpered at me just before 
biting at my neck softly. "Hey! No, that tickles!" I started 
laughing and squirming insatiably. He had me pinned, it was useless. 
Over my laughter I heard a knock on the door then it actually 
opening. 'Oh fuck!' I thought and went dead still. Steve's body did a 
complete flip over right on top of me. I got bruises from that 
maneuver. His back was now squishing my head into the pillow, but the 
nice part about it was his rear was perfectly in-line and directly on 
my crotch. I felt that sexual tingle when I realized the position we 
were in. Even with someone else in the room!

"Jesse!" Steve blurted out loudly. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Uhhh... morning to you too Steve. Geeezez, this never bothered you
before." Jesse stated with an indication of curiosity in his voice.
Steve was lost for words, and was still gathering the comforter on his
bed around us to conceal as much as possible.

Just then I heard Jesse chuckle just a little. "Steve, do you have
someone in bed with you?" I could almost see the younger version of
Steve's mischievous grin on Jesse's face in my own mind.  "NO! Now get
out please!" Steve shot back without a moment's hesitation. Jesse was 
in no hurry to leave the room. Who ever takes their brother's threats
seriously at that age any way.

There was an inauspicious moment of silence before he spoke again.
"Umm, Steve? Did you get a new pair of shoes?" Jesse asked. Damn! My
doc's were on Steve's side of the bed! Steve didn't even move to see
what he was talking about. We were directly in the center of the bed
so to do so would expose me. We were so vulnerable. "Jesse just GO...
PLEASE... I'll talk to you later." Steve sighed almost in surrender.
The pressure was getting to him. Thank goodness Jesse finally gave in
and left the room. I don't think Steve could have held up much longer.

Steve shifted his torso a little, so that his back would fall on the
bed beside me but his mid-section was still draped over me. "That was
just too close." "Yeah." I added. "I can't believe he saw my shoes."
"Shit! I thought he was just playing head games with me." Steve added.
"Well, now I got him wondering." He shook his head in disbelief. "I
got my girlfriend, my brother, and god knows how many of Kelly's
friends wondering... who's next? My mother?" "Mom's always know, 
Steve." I couldn't help but smirk. He just looked at me and shook his 
head with a widening grin. "Oh you think so, do you?" "Well, maybe not
consciously, but they know on some level." He laughed at that. "Maybe
you got a point there... oh David, what are we ever going to do?", he
asked while exhaling deeply. "I can't keep this up." "Don't worry,
Steve. We will think of something, just let it go for now," I said in
an attempt at easing his mind. He was frustrated, as was I. Surely his
ran much more deeper, though. His load really was heavier.

I knew I couldn't, so I wouldn't even attempt it. I wanted to make
love to Steve again that morning but his mind was back on other things.
It wasn't the time or place. My after-glow died suddenly when reality
marched through the door in the form of his younger brother. I once
thought that this form of ultra-secretiveness would be exhilarating,
and it was to a degree. But the price you pay in guilt often made the
scales tip back in the other direction. Along with the guilt came the
feeling of being cheap. I knew Steve wanted me, as I did him, and what
we had was a relationship in its own way. Sadly, the fact was I didn't
know where he stood with Kelly. Was he having sex with her? I winced
to myself at the thought. I did have the right to know, but I just
couldn't bring myself to ask him something so involved as that. I
guess I really didn't believe it before, but Steve was right. Things
could not go on the way they were. If they did, paranoia would eat me
alive and to the bone.

				   -----

Steve meant everything to me. My very happiness was centered on him.
Sometimes it was so intense that I felt guilty, as if I were using 
him. I amazingly always ended up talking myself out of that. I wasn't 
using him at all, I was just in love with him. I shivered at the 
thought. My heart surely was in his hands. What he did with it would 
be my eternal fate. A fate that I could not survive if it meant 
without him.

"David, are you paying attention?" The voice spoke to me as if it were
from some far away dimension, almost dream like. "David!" It shouted
again, only this time ripping me from my surreal frame of mind.

"Yes! What was that?" I asked Mrs. Kerr way too anxiously. "Are you ok,
David? You seem... so distracted lately." I blushed a little in
embarrasment and was about to speak when someone spoke out from the
other side of the class. "He's in lo-ove!" Chris said, so cutely yet
way too accurately. The whole class snickered and made kissy noises.
The attention was slightly refreshing, yet it scared the hell out of
me. Just as paranoia was about to set in, I miraculously calmed myself
and took it all in stride. I laughed with them and brushed it off as
the joke it was - at least I hope it was.

I spent the rest of that class with my attention totally focused on
the teacher. That little joke at my expense actually brought me out of
my month-long thinking session. 'Gee, maybe I will actually sleep
tonight' I thought to myself optimistically.

I was actually feeling pretty good by the time lunch rolled around. I
happily made my way to my locker while quietly singing Gabriel's
lovely number called 'Dreams'. Dreams can come true / look at me babe
I'm with you / you know you got to have them / you know you got to be
strong / ... Oddly enough, I didn't give a damn who saw me. I was happy,
no matter how silly I probably looked.

Dismally, fate again would shake up my very existence and throw me
into a downward spiral. How stupid was I to think happiness was mine
for the taking? I should have known it would be just a matter of time
before I would be dragged back through the mud, that filthy puddle of
chaos that my very existance orbited every 24 hours. Then it
happened...

I could hear her coming... she sounded almost intoxicated. Not by
alcohol, nor any other man made substance. She was intoxicated with
emotion. Proud as a cat who just caught a mouse.

It was indeed Kelly, and she had Steve, my Steve, wrapped in her arms.
He was walking backwards, and she was guiding him down the corridor
with her arms enclosed around his waist. She was kissing his lips, and
they were both giggling. She moved a hand up to his hair and stroked
it back, just like I did to him. She never looked away from his eyes,
and neither did he. He had to have seen me. He just HAD to. I was
right there, watching it all until they went out of site.

I was in turmoil. Internally and externally. The pain was visible on
my face, this was evident when Laura asked me if I was ok. I never
said a word, I just stared. Steve was mine. He just was. We shared
things. Things that went way beyond feeling. We shared each other. Our
bodies, our hearts and our souls. Seeing him with her like that was
like being stood up at the altar. I felt like a sky with no stars, a
memory without feeling. It was however exactly what it appeared to be.
It was a lover being caught in someone elses arms. Nothing more and
nothing less.

Despite my frightful mood, I almost expected it to come. He was going
out with her. Probably long before I came on the picture. The worst
part of it all was that I actually felt ambivalent towards my very
thoughts and emotions. I kept telling myself over and over that what I
was feeling was fair and just, but how could I ever tell Steve this? I
knew he loved me. Or did he? I began to think overtime again. Was I
just a good time? An experimental thing? By this time I was angry with
myself. He told me different; no, he more than spoke it -- he felt it
even. He loved me. He really did. So if he truly meant what he said,
why wouldn't I tell him how I felt about him being with Kelly? The
answer to that came to me almost instantaneously. I was afraid that I
would lose him.

The bell signalling the ten minute warning before third class rang and
drowned out my thoughts. When I finally came to again I was amazed
that I had spent the entire lunch hour just sitting at my locker and
thinking. I wished Amy was at school for once that day. At least she
would have found me and I would not have spent my entire break
pondering the illogical circumstances that come along with being in
love.

I had just locked my locker and turned away only to find Steve right in
front of me. His look was sober. He wasn't happy, but he wasn't
totally upset either. I had grown accustomed to his facial
expressions. Just by looking at him this time, I knew that what was
coming couldn't be all that bad.

To my surprise he handed me a piece of paper and walked away without
saying one word even. The last time I got a letter from him was etched
in my mind. "Oh Brother!" I sighed out loud as I began my walk to
third class. I decided to read it when I got there, just in case I 
were to fall down in sheer agony.

I sat down at my desk and began to unfold the paper cautiously. It was
almost painful, I definitely harbored mixed emotions about reading
what was inside.

"Dave, please meet me behind the gym outside after school. I really
need to be with you, and talk to you. Don't worry about a way home."

In spite of my confusion, I actually felt warmed by his words. He
really needed to be with me. My god, he had me on a hook. The second
part however chilled me slightly. Anytime he needed to talk to me was
not good. Something was wrong, and I was not prepared to handle it. I
don't know what happened to my optimism. It just sort of flew right
out the window. I hated to be clingy, even if it was mostly internal.
Needless to say, Steve was all I had. Not only was he the man of my
dreams, but he was my only vent now. I could never turn back -- it was
far too late. I needed to move forward, never ever to be who I was 
just several weeks before.

				   -----

Usually when I felt like this, the afternoons went painstakingly 
slowly. However to my pleasure it went fairly quickly. By the time I 
got my homework packed and said my bye's for the day, it was almost 
3:45. I knew Steve would have expected me a good ten minutes ago so I 
quickly, yet discreetly, made my way to the gymnasium and exited 
through the back.

There he was. He had his back to me and was kicking around small
stones with his feet. He was such a puppy dog. I knew he was hurting,
I could read him so well. It only grew easier the longer we had known
each other. I was still hurting from what my eyes had seen that
afternoon. I wanted to cry, but for two different reasons. One, I was
bruised inside. Second, he was so fragile looking just then. I wanted
to run up to him and hold him. Just hold him. Forever, until we once
again became one with the earth, I wanted to hold him ever still,
until the universe decided to stop expanding, the Earth went the way
of Mars, the sun died of old age, and the Milky Way went sour. I 
would still be holding him.

"Steve--" I simply and quietly stated. He turned slowly to look at me,
followed by that haunting smile he gave me when life was bothering
him. The message it sent was powerful and honest. It was like he
wanted to be strong for me, yet the pain was just too great.

I couldn't contain myself. I broke down. I twisted my face then
immedietely hid it in my hands where I sobbed mutedly. I no more than
did this and Steve was there wrapping his arms around me and hugging me
into his chest tightly. "Oh David, please don't cry. I can't bear to
see you--" he paused, "--cry." He hesitated to try and regain lost
composure, only to fail miserably. Steve was crying. I felt his chest
quiver as my hands that were still still holding my face were pressed
into him. I wanted to liquify and melt into him when I felt a single
tear sliding down the side of my face that belonged to him.

When the genuineness of the situation set in, the floodgate only
opened wider, out poured the physical remnants of my internal sorrow.
It leaked between my fingers and onto Steve's shirt. Knowing our rather
vulnerable location, he pushed me away just slightly and looked me in 
the eyes. "Let's go to my car, we'll go -- somewhere," he sighed. 
Steve reassuredly patted me on the shoulder followed by a quick back 
rub before we walked to the parking lot.

				   -----

We pulled out of the school yard in utter silence. It didn't take long
for Steve to start talking though. "Any place in particular?" "Actually
Steve, I'm starving. I skipped lunch," I said while finishing the last
of my post-cry sniffles. He was about to lecture me on how unhealthy
that was but I guess he decided it was just not the right time. "What
do you want to eat?" "Just MacDonalds is fine. I'm not up for anything
more," I stated somberly. We both opted for the drive-thru as eating
in was out of the question. The mixture of crying, starvation and
stress caused me to feel almost hung over. All I wanted was my
chocolate milkshake, small fry and cheeseburger... and Steve of course.
I would sooner have died than be without him just then.

We sat in the parking lot and ate in silence; I was almost too weak
to start a conversation of any type. I think Steve sensed this and
decided to initiate it himself. "What are you thinking David?" In my
de-sensitized state I said the first thing on my mind. "I saw you and
Kelly today in th hall Steve." I paused to look up at his face, which
took on the form of suffering yet again. "I know it shouldn't bother
me Steve, but it does. I love you!" I suddenly realized that this was
the first time I actually told him that. I was really asking to be put
out of my misery with every word I spoke. How could I state something
that might end up causing me so much grief? Steve took note of my words
right away. His look changed to bitter-sweet. He already told me he
loved me, and something dawned on me just then and there. How could I
be so stupid? He was waiting for me to tell him in return! I could see
those huge crocodile tears swelling up in the corner of his eyes.
Without a noise, he blinked and two solid tears fell from his face and
landed on his chest. Oh god I felt so bewildered. I was so in love
with him, yet I was so afraid. He reached out for my hand and squeezed
it gently. I don't know if it was to confirm the feeling was mutual,
or just for support. Either way it eased a lot of things on my mind.

"Let's go to my house," I stated. "Mom and Dad won't be home until
about eight tonight." He flashed me a cute smile and started the car.
"That sounds nice. I need to be alone with you for awhile," he said
while pulling out of the driveway and onto the street.

I was slightly taken a back by his words. What did he mean by that?
God, I hoped it wouldn't be another crying session. I was far to weak
for that. As much as I relished in the thought of being totally sexual
with him, today was just not the time for that. Nevertheless I would
take it, if it were the only chance I had in a long time. Although we
seemed to be spending a lot more time together lately. Far beyond the
'maybe certain weekends' that we originally had thought. We should
have known love would not settle for such a meager plan. I was hopeful
that we could just cuddle, kiss, hug, touch, and caress, ...  I had
better stay alert though, wouldn't it just make my day if the parents
came home to find their son wrapped in a strange boy's arms, sound
asleep on the couch. I didn't need that right now at all.

				   -----

We got to the house with lots of time to spare. Thank the maker. We
never had so much alone time during the day before. Three hours were
ours for the taking. Three entire hours for us just to be with each
other. It truly was an eternity. I wanted to use our time to do
everything possible. I was like a little kid on Christmas morning, 
not knowing which toy to play with first and yet somehow playing with 
them all in a matter of minutes.

I really was exhausted. After taking my shoes off I went straight for
the livingroom and dropped down onto the couch with a soft whine as if
to let off some stress. Steve walked in almost behind me and looked
down at me while slowly smiling brighter and brighter. I instinctively
patted the seat next to me and he immediately slammed down, half on me
and half on the couch.

"Hey!!" I shouted while laughing half heartedly. "Are you trying to
beat me up or something?" Steve totally ignored my joke and snuggled
into me, resting his head on my chest and letting his hands roam about
my lower back and mid-section. He then rested them on either side of
my torso just above my hips. Steve laid there almost dead, as if he
were regenerating or something. I took advantage of his apparent
motionless state and began to run my fingers through his hair. My 
god, it smelled so good. Almost like a crisp autumn day. Woodsy, yet
floral. I lowered my head so that it rested on his.

"I've been thinking about something, David," Steve stated 
unexpectedly. I so hated when he surprised me with things like this. 
You think I would have gotten used to it by now as he perpetually 
brought things up like that. "And what might that be?" I asked in my 
most indifferent tone. It never ceased to amaze me how worked up I 
felt, like my heart was in my throat, when he threw me curve balls 
like this. "Well, I am thinking I need to set a few things right in 
my life." Oh god what did he mean? Before I could respond he 
continued. "Monday, I am breaking up with Kelly."

Oh me, oh life. Did my ears fail me? Did I hear him right? "Will you
repeat that Steve?" I asked with my voice foundering. He chuckled
almost instantly. "You heard me!" My ears were telling the truth. I
was lost for words. I didn't know if I should leap for joy or play
cautious.

What I said next astounded me. It felt all wrong, but it was a
perfectly fair question. "Steve, are you doing this for me, or are you
doing it for yourself?" I gulped. I didn't want him to feel he had to
do anything for me. Nothing can last if it is built upon mistrust and
doubt.

After a momentary pause, Steve managed to flip himself around so this
we were chest to chest, face to face. His eyes were beaming directly
into mine, blinding me with raw honesty and total love. He rested his
shoulders on either side of me and proceeded to take his weight off 
me by lifting himself up just slightly. While doing so he carassed my
temples and slowly and comfortingly ran his smooth fingers around my
ears. "David," he spoke my name in almost a whisper, "I am doing it
for us -- together -- not individually." My heart melted. His sincerity
was moving. I so vividly remembered the time when he couldn't bare to
be honest with himself even, and now he was giving me his all.

We did nothing but talk that night. Although we couldn't stand not to
be touching constantly, sex was not really on the forefront of our
minds. We moved from the couch to the floor then back again. One trip
to the kitchen then back to the floor. We listened to music, talked
about school and our plans. From our pasts to our expectations of the
future. I was pleased when I realized that we both held idealistic
views of the impending days, weeks, years ahead. Surprisingly, we both
hoped and believed in a future that was much more accepting, much more
promising than the present day allowed. I guess when you're 
supposedly a minority you have to have hope in the future or your 
life just wouldn't be worth living. Before I met Steve, hope was all I 
had. Even though it wasn't the driving force in my life anymore, it 
was still the vehicle that carried us both into the future.

"I've got to get going." Steve frowned while hugging me into his chest. I
protested with a whimper. He only hugged tighter. "Dave, I guarantee
you, if you can mange until Monday, you will not regret it." He eyed
me mischievously. "Ohhh Steve, if you only knew what that look does to
me." I swooned. He naughtily grinded his hips into me and made a
purring noise. "Then I'll just have to do that more often then won't
I?" He stated almost matter-of-factly. Before I could respond he
knocked me down to the floor and proceeded to tickle me playfully.
"Ack! Steve. NO! I am so ticklish." I said while wrestling with him,
trying to keep his hands away from my extra sensitive areas. Steve was
laughing so hard his eyes were watering, and he no longer had the
strengh to keep me pinned. I finally was able to sit up, and in doing
so I jabbed him in the gut. "Ouch! That hurt!" Steve ceased to laugh
while he rubbed his stomach. This only made me laugh harder. Call me
sadistic but I always got a charge out of minor pain usually do to
stupid tricks or acting out. Much like just happened.

Perhaps it was the turn of the season that helped him with his change
of heart. The leaves were almost now totally transformed. Shades of
gold, red, yellow, and orange adorned the branches in a blaze of glory
just before winter would inevitably call them to the ground.

I couldn't help but ponder all these things and more as I watched his
car slip out of sight and the darkness moved in that much more. It was
starting to rain. That cold fall rain that reminds you only of the
days to come. It didn't bother me really, with the change of the
seasons I felt renewed. In spirit and in body. It only complemented my
new-found feelings for Steve.

I was still standing outside the door when Mom pulled up the drive ten
minutes later. She really didn't seem to care why I was just standing
outside, but was more concerned with the fact I was in sock feet and
short sleeves.

I spent the rest of the evening in my own personal dream world. It was
such a dark night, it poured at times, in which only seemed to cleanse
my inner most thoughts that much more. I just sat there in front of
the wood stove watching the flames feast on the sticks of wood that
fueled it's fire. Ironically, the world around me reflected greatly
what I was experiencing in my utter most private thoughts -- that
emotionally driven space that I held inside myself, and was only made
visible to one other person of the six billion that surrounded me.

The outside was cold, dark, and wet. The wind howled and made a
ghostly noise as it whistled through the eves of the house. Yet the
fire burned bright and warm inside. It fought with all its might as
it consumed the earthly materials. Just like me, it to fed upon
whatever it could to stay alive. The only difference between me and
fire was that I had the gift, and in some cases the curse of a
conscious mind. In my case it had to be a gift. A wondrous gift.
Often, it was all I had.

I hugged my knees into my chest as I pondered this, still lost in the
translucent orange hues that flooded the glass front of the stove. I
was feeding a lot less on my own hopes and desires lately. Steve seemed
to be my principal energy source these days.

In spite of my contentment, I was completely nervous about what might 
be coming. What exactly did Steve mean if I can just wait until 
Monday? Surely he couldn't have gotten to such a high where he would 
go an out us both to the entire school? As much as all closeted 
people around the planet would love to believe, we do not live in a 
gay friendly world. Sooner or later you are going to come off that 
high and have to face them all alone.

What if he wasn't driven by a sudden burst of euphoria, though? What 
if it was desperation? The need to feel free. My mind was working
over-time again. In all my attempts at distracting myself, I just
couldn't help but think of reasons to legitimize what I was thinking.

I knew it was close.  It was only a matter of time before my life
would change. For the better or worse, I wasn't sure. Was it going to
be a new era of openness between us, and those around us? Or would it
only bring the looming fear in the back of my mind to a breaking
point? I would hold the answers in only a matter of hours.