Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000 23:49:42 EDT
From: Double A
Subject: Broken Dreams...Part 10

	The rest of the day was composed of me neurotically analysing every aspect
of our relationship, and trying to figure out why Chris didn't just give a
straight yes or no answer. Was it because he was afraid of commitment? Was
it because he secretly didn't want to be my boyfriend? Maybe this was some
crazy thing by Chris, where he'd say that we didn't need titles to show our
love...or something.

	The bottom line, though, was that I began to worry about my obsession with
Chris, and it was an obsession, as far as I was concerned. Before, I worried
that I might not love Chris as much as he loved me, but that quickly
switched over to where I was very worried that maybe it was I who loved
Chris more than he loved me. Chris seemed to care for me, I had to admit
that, but I somehow doubted that he ever forwent school work, showering,
eating and sleeping, because he was too busy thinking about me. I doubted
that he spent countless times, lying in bed at night, crying and hugging his
pillow. I was losing control of my body. Sometimes, I wanted things to just
go back to when we were just friends and didn't even mention love, but other
times, I'd have these vivid dreams, where I was making passionate love to
Chris, and I'd wake up with my penis covered in precum, or sometimes my
boxers were even soaked with semen.

	I became a nervous wreck in the span of one school day, so when I returned
back to my apartment that day, I wasn't sure what answer I was hoping Chris
would give. I couldn't do any homework or studying, and I couldn't think
about showering. I just sat in the chair that Chris and I hugged in, and
cried some more.

	After a good night's sleep, I was well rested and able to think clearly, as
I went to school the following day...

	Nope, that wasn't true at all...

	After lying awake for most of the night, I was dead tired and my head was a
throbbing clouded mass, as I went to school the following day. Despite
staying up most of the night, I still managed to be nearly late for
Sociology class, and as I entered, Chris was already there.

	I was unloading my backpack and placing the books on my desk, when I saw
Chris walk past my desk and toward the door. On the way by, though, I heard
him whisper, "Meet me in the cafeteria after class."

	I was so tired that I nearly missed it, when he said that, but the fact
that I didn't, really didn't help me and I spent the rest of the class as a
nervous wreck. I was beginning to think up another one of my truth telling
speeches for Chris. I don't know if I was subconsciously trying to get him
to hate me, but I figured that I had something to gain and not much to lose,
if I told him about my feelings, obsession if you will, with him.
	Then again, it wouldn't mean much if, after class, he told me that he
thought about it, and really didn't think he wanted to be my boyfriend. Then
again, that was the answer that I was expecting, so it wouldn't have been a
huge surprise.

	I took my self-hating attitude all the way through class, and, afterwards,
took it into the cafeteria and waited for Chris. It seemed to me that it was
always me waiting for Chris, and always me starting conversations with
Chris, and always me asking things of Chris. I knew that he wasn't lazy, so
maybe he really was as shy as he let on that he was.

	After enough of a wait to build the tension in my body up a bit, I saw him
walk through the entrance arch and into the area. His eyes appeared to
search around a bit, before he saw me and then he made his way over and sat
down.

	"Hey." He said, shooting a slight smile at me.

	"Hi, Chris." I said, trying to act both friendly and neutral toward him at
the same time.

	We stared at each other in silence for a few seconds, before he shrugged
and asked, "Can I, like, buy you lunch or something?"

	I shook my head, "No, but thanks for offering. I'm really not all that
hungry."

	He nodded, "I want to...umm...apologize for being so nervous and unsure of
things lately."

	I shrugged and replied, "It's not your fault. I shouldn't have been so
forward with you. I think I'm obsessed with you."

	He smiled, "Really? I think I'm pretty obsessed with you too. I think about
you all the time, and after we talk each time, I miss you so much."

	I couldn't help feeling really good when he said that, and that made me
blurt out, "So,is that a yes, then?"

	His smile dissipated and he assumed a look of seriousness as he nodded and
replied, "Let me be honest with you, since you've always been honest with
me. I just wanted to make sure that we were friends first. I mean, I love
you, but I also find you really interesting. I like hanging out with you,
and I think I'd like to, maybe, go to a movie or maybe a concert with you. I
like just sitting down and talking to you. People who are in love sometimes
think that all that means is sex, but, to me, love means mostly no sex. Love
means being close and hugging and sometimes kissing, but mostly talking and
being there for the other person. I've thought about it over the last day or
so, and I realize now that I love you more than I've ever loved another
person. I could try to pass it off as a crush or some sort of pubescent lust
based on hormones, but it isn't like that at all. What I have for you is
stronger than any crush I've ever felt, and there is nothing lustful about
it either. What I feel for you is pure, intense intimacy and love. Honestly,
sometimes I think or dream about...doing certain things with you, but I want
to wait, because I feel that when I do stuff with you, it's going to be
incredible and emotional. Do you understand?"
	I was speechless. I just sort of sat there, hanging on to Chris's every
word, and when he finished by asking me that question, I still sat
motionless for several seconds, before replying, "Y...Yeah, I understand. I
wish I could put it as well as you did, but I don't think I could. You're so
smart and so sweet and so wonderful. Talking to you means as much to me as
that hug did, or anything else we do will. You are adorable, but your
emotions and your mind is what made me love you the most. As your boyfriend,
I would do anything to make sure you were happy, and I totally understand
about waiting to make love to each other. It really is going to be a
beautiful experience, I'm sure, because you're a beautiful person too."

	Chris smiled, "I wish I could hold you right now, even for just a few
seconds. Hey, do you want to...you know...do stuff after school?"

	I smiled, "Like what?"

	Chris shrugged, "I dunno. Like, is there a movie you want to see? Maybe we
could go for a walk or something. I just want to be with you this afternoon,
I guess."

	I nodded, "Afterwards, can we go back to my place again?"

	Chris nodded, "I'd like that."

	And so, this time officially, Chris and I were a couple.