Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 23:28:08 EDT
From: Double A
Subject: Broken Dreams - Part 11

	Chris and I decided to go for a walk after school. There's a path down by
the St-Lawrence river, where people sometimes go. It's very pretty, but on
hot days, you can sort of smell the sewage in the river, and there's a lot
of mosquitos.

	But I digress...

	We just sort of talked about our lives.  We didn't delve into the deep
parts of our life, regarding family or life at home, but I guess we didn't
need to. During that walk with Chris, I realized, for the first time since
we met, that nobody matters except him and I. I guess that's a pretty
selfish view of it, but I realized just how much people used me and insulted
me and abused me. I thought about when I first fell in love with Aaron, I
thought about Sean, I thought about my mother. Nearly everybody in my life
wanted something from me or succeeded in just generally pissing the hell out
of me.

	Not Chris, though. Chris mattered so much to me, and what I felt for him
went way beyond simple friendship or even love. I felt like we were
spiritually connected. We were different in a lot of ways, but, in a weird
sort of way, it seemed like we have the same spirit or something. Whenever I
looked into his beautiful blue eyes, and I could lose all emotions, except
for bliss.

	We had a lot of things in common too, though. We both hated society, for
the most part, and we both came from a family that, also for the most part,
we cared very little about. We also cared very little about what people
thought about us and so, for the last ten or twenty minutes of our walk, we
held hands. There wasn't a lot of people on the trail, but those that were
there did stare, and it was such a powerful symbol to just ignore him and
move on. I don't know what Chris was thinking, but I was thinking that this
was probably the start of something beautiful and romantic. I didn't want to
push my luck, though, so I didn't go into some of my more permanently
leaning desires about him.

	After the beautiful and fulfilling walk by the polluted river, we both
opted to take the bus and metro back to my apartment. In contrast to our
walk by the water, the ride to my place was pretty quiet, as far as
conversation went. We mostly just smiled at each other a lot. Not that
humouring sort of smile, when you have nothing to say. These were smiles of
genuine love. The kind that you only use when addressing the most precious
person in your life.

	The door to my apartment shut behind us, and we both just stood around,
looking at each other.

	"So...we're here." I said, trying to fill time, until I could think of
something more meaningful.

	"We are, indeed." Christopher replied, look equally at a loss.

	After a few seconds, I looked around and then looked back at Chris and
said, "Hey, umm...can I get you something to drink?"

	Chris shrugged, "Just water."

	I nodded and went to get him a glass of water, as he went off to, I guess,
look around the place. When I came back with his water, I found him in my
bedroom, looking at my rats. I gave him the water and he smiled at me and
drank it.

	"So, these are my rats." I said, as if it wasn't obvious enough.

	He swallowed the water and laughed, "Yeah, I can see that."

	"Sorry." I apologized, "I guess I'm just sort of nervous. I don't know what
I'm saying anymore."

	He smiled and, after putting down his water, reached out and took my hand
gently, "It's okay, sweetie. I'm kind of nervous too, I guess."

	I smiled and, without analysing cause and effect any further, wrapped my
arms around him and hugged him. He was quick to follow by hugging me back
with equal force.

	We held each other for several minutes, before finally releasing our hold.
I let out a sigh and walked over to my bed and sat down on the mattress.
Chris followed me over and sat down beside me.

	"What's wrong, sweetie?" He asked.

	I shrugged, "I dunno. I guess I'm just sort of worried about stuff."

	He cocked his head and smiled, "Like what? You can talk to me about
anything, if you want."

	I shrugged and, taking a deep breath, turned my body around to face him.

	"Does it bother you that I'm two years older than you?" I asked.

	He smiled, "Of course not. Two years is nothing, if you think about it.
Does it bother you?"

	I shook my head, "No. You're actually more mature than most seventeen year
olds. I was just wondering, because...well...I guess, I can honest with you,
right?"

	He nodded, "Please be honest with me."
	I nodded and smiled, "I guess, Chrissie, I'm just sort of worried that this
isn't going to last. I'm so used to bad things happening to me, that I never
have much confidence in the good things. But, I love you more than anybody
in the whole world, and I keep thinking that eventually you're just going to
get tired of me."

	Chris stopped smiling and looked at me seriously, "I'd never get tired of
you, baby. Even the thought of it makes me feel sick. I love you so much and
knowing that you love me the same amount makes me really happy, and..."

	He stopped talking and looked at me nervously for a second, before putting
his hand on my knee and slowly leaning forward. I closed my eyes as his lips
touched mine for the first time ever. I gradually reached my hand up and put
it on the side of his face, gently pulling his mouth tighter against mine.
To feel the gentle puffs of air being blown against my cheek from his nose,
made me feel better than I'd ever felt in my life. It didn't even matter
whether it was a good kiss or a bad kiss. All that mattered, was that it was
our first kiss and it sort of solidified our relationship for me, above all
else. I could feel my penis getting hard beneath my jeans, but willed it
away.

This moment was way too beautiful to ruin it by feelings of lust.