The first day that he walked in to that room, he was shaking from head to toe. Visibly terrified at the idea of being 'out' to anybody. I had seen it before. And no matter how our after school gay club promised nothing but friendship and discretion, there were always kids who looked like they were about to rattle themselves to pieces right in front of us. Freaking out, trembling, almost ready to lose their lunch. Some of these kids took WEEKS of reassurance before we could even get them to talk. Even longer before we could get them to stop looking over their shoulder. Just to see if anyone was going to burst in like the police on a raid. And then, there was the 'exit'. I've seen boys do everything short of digging a tunnel underground or climbing out of a third story window, just to prevent anyone from seeing them leave one of our meetings. I've seen them wear hats, or hoods, or make huge detours through maze like passages down to the back door of the school. Completely horrified if anyone from the club spoke to them in the halls during school hours. It's too bad that we have to live like that. To be afraid of being caught trying to 'love' somebody we shouldn't. Sigh...the heterosexual kids have no idea how easy they have it in comparison.
I have had my 'sexual awakening' already, a number of times, and still don't have much of a problem getting more. No boyfriend or love of my life yet, but plenty of 'practice', if you know what I mean. These days, the new kids to our group look kind of silly to me, doing everything that they can to avoid being seen for what's really inside of them. But I suppose that I was just as scared as they were at one time, so I know what they're going through. I remember living in constant fear and holding back for as long as possible, so I never pressure them. I try to not even notice, because I know that they'll come out in their own time. I want to help, but it's their life, and their decision in the end. We know all about that paralyzing fear, because we all had to walk through that same door for the first time, nauseous at the thought of having our deepest secret exposed. And believe me, the day Ben walked into our room for the first time, I could tell that he wasn't going to be any different.
I'm not really out of the closet myself, but I would probably tell anyone who asked me the truth about my sexuality. But you'd be surprised how many people never ask. Speculate, assume, fear, spread rumors about, joke around...but they never just come out and ASK. I think the embarassment of asking is almost as strong as my fear of telling them, most of the time. I'm only 16, but after the last two years with this group, I've come to really understand that I'm not alone, I never was. And it feels good. I can actually come here and say, "Hi, my name is Cory, and I'm gay" without cringing. Or whispering it under my breath. Or trembling with paralyzing terror. We were all friends here afterall, and we were all going through a lot of the same hard times and confusion. It really means a lot to not feel alone. I had no idea what it was like until I tried. I think our counselor, Mr. Harris, saw a certain confidence in me these days. I saw a new confidence in me too. Maybe it was all the sex I was getting, hehehe! But he trusted me with the new guys and knew that I could warm them up a bit to the group over time. That's probably why he thought I would make a good partner for Ben that first day. They would sometimes pair us off to talk to the new members and break them into the whole idea of what we did there. Mr. Harris kept the faith in knowing that I would be able to calm Ben down before he fainted from the horror of being exposed in front of the rest of us. That, and the fact that a blond haired, green eyed, cutie such as myself might catch his eye. Hehehe! But I'm much too modest to say that. Outloud, anyway.
Ben was a decent looking kid. He was a year younger than me, with dark hair and dark brown eyes. He wasn't really a 'dork' or anything, but something about him seemed so...I don't know...sheltered. Innocent and naive. His eyes were always wide open with a look that made him appear to be absorbing every detail that the world could give him, for the first time. The same way a five year old stares at a caterpillar crawling by on a tree branch. And he had a personality that was so sweet and trusting. The kind of boy that you looked at and knew that he was a straight 'A' student, with a clean bedroom, loved his mother, and had all of his chores done before bedtime. I almost expected him to be secretly carrying a teddy bear around with him in his backpack. He was uick to blush, and seemed 'awkward' uttering even the most domestic swear words. But it was so CUTE in a strange way, and we just got this friendly vibe going on the very first day I met him.
"Hi, I'm Cory." I said, shaking his hand. His handshake was so soft, so frail. God was he ever nervous.
"...Hey." He whispered. "I'm...Ben." I practically had to read his lips to know what he was saying. He was quiet and pretty shy, but after an hour of me trying to make him smile, I think he started to loosen up. He asked what we did there, and I basically described it to him. We did what normal kids did. We played some games, maybe read through some current events on gay culture, had parties once in a while...but most of all, we just talked. Sometimes as a group, sometimes in pairs, sometimes it was just an open homeroom where we got to be ourselves without having to fear being laughed at or ridiculed. Out of all the 'gay' related stuff that we did, it was the everyday teenager activities that made us feel 'normal' again. Everything didn't 'have' to be gay related, but we didn't have to worry about making a comment here or there and we didn't have to restrain it anymore. It was fun. And by the third week, Ben had predictably gone through all of the stages that a lot of us went through...
#1 - Denial. Where they try to say that they made a mistake by coming here. That they thought they were gay, but maybe they're not. They pull away from us, never wanting to give into being different. Never wanting to finally say, "this is who I am". The most we can ask for, at this point, is for them to sit in a corner quietly, too stubborn to open up just yet. We try to find a balnce between 'leaving them alone' and 'making them feel welcome'. It's not easy, and they try hard to think of an excuse, ANY excuse, to not ever come back. But they almost always do.
#2 - Acceptance. When they finally give up the excuses and decide to just give things a try. So they come to the meetings pretty irregularly. Often, but not always. And they're still nervous, still scared, still paranoid, but enjoying themselves and their new discovery of who they are, little by little everyday. Even if they don't want US to know that.
#3 - Release. The dam bursts! All of the sudden, something inside of them just shouts out 'I'm GAY, and they know it!' and they begin to explode. All of the sudden, they just release all of the gay thoughts and fears and tensions and desires that they've been holding back for so long. Every homosexual impulse that they've experienced since they were 10...all at once. Sometimes they just babble for hours and hours, so happy to finally talk about it with somebody who will listen. You can feel the excitement inside of them, the energy bursts out of every pour. Even the kids who started off quiet and stubborn, give in eventually, and usually turn out to be even happier than the ones who accepted it sooner. This stage can be really fun to watch from afar, but beware giving them your home phone number! Once they start their engines, you'll end up losing a lot of sleep during this period.
#4 - Horniness! Blessed horniness! Once they learn to let down the mask, the 'hunt' begins. The more 'normal' it seems to be gay, the hornier they get, and they actually start talking to boys that they were too scared to approach before. They feel 'ok' wanting to have sex with other boys, and now they WANT IT! They don't want to hold it in anymore, and will screw anything that looks even remotely 'fuckable'. Next thing you know, they're gushing over every cutie in pants like some girl with a teen dream magazine.
And #5 - Freedom. What is probably the most rewarding experience any of us will ever have. Whether we actually come out to someone else...friends, family, whatever...or not, it's still a huge relief for us. A giant weight lifted off of our chest, where we can finally just exhale and relax. We get rid of so much of the doubts, the burden, the fear, and soon...any sense of denial disappears. And it's replaced with a feeling of self love that went into hiding the first time we looked at a boy's butt and mentally licked our lips. It's a religious experience where the tears of joy are endless, life has a whole new perspective to it, and we begin thanking anyone and everyone for their help and support through the other four stages. Sometimes it just hits us all of the sudden, and it's weird and emotional and probably confuses the hell out of whoever we're thanking at the time. It's just this incredible flood of emotions that can only come from knowing who you are and loving what you see. Half of us then begin the process of coming out to the people who we trust and love. The other half just find a comfort in knowing that the feelings inside are real and far from being wrong. No need to go kicking any closet doors open, but it's good to not feel the walls closing in on them anymore. Both sides find their own happiness, without too much conflict between them. Sometimes the 'out' kids will tell the others to stop hiding what they are and come out. Sometimes the 'closet' kids will tell the others to tone it down and stop flashing and flaunting their gayness around town. But like I said, we were all friends, and those little arguments never meant much. Where am I in all this? I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle between the two extremes, and that's where I'm most comfortable for right now. Maybe that will change one day, maybe not. Only time will tell.
The first time I saw Ben go through a whole meeting without looking over his shoulder at the door or the windows...I knew he was reaching one of those two points, looking to choose. That one golden moment where it all makes sense, and he can start building a life of happiness around it. I was kinda proud of him, and I smiled all night afterwards. We traded phone numbers that day, and Ben talked and talked and talked to me until he litterally fell asleep on the phone. I noticed his breathing had changed, and it was so sweet. I just whispered goodnight softly in his ear and hung up. He was really something special.
Ben and I actually became the best of friends after a month or so. We hung out all the time, movies, arcades, the mall, everywhere. And I'm pretty sure that at one time, he was developing the sweetest schoolboy crush on me. It was so cute. You can always tell how much another teenage boy likes you by the number of times he giggles for no reason in a conversation. Ben must have been breaking records during that time. I'll admit, I was a bit intrigued by the idea of sleeping with him. It would be awesome to feel his smooth body against me. And I would sometimes fantasize about just kissing him for hours. He had the whitest teeth and most charming smile that I had ever seen. Sometimes I would touch him, his arm, his leg, his shoulder...and he was just so soft and warm. Especially when I tickled his side or playfully poked at his stomach, I could feel the spongy softness of his abs when he left. Muscles too young to tighten up, or so it seemed. He was a delight in every sense of the word. Sex with Ben would have been magic, but I never went through with it. I'm sure that it would have made things weird between us. Although I lusted after him from time to time, I saw him as a friend a lot more often than as a lover. And I didn't want to ruin it by giving in to the temptation of tasting what he had to offer. Mmmmm...I bet it would be sweet though.
Another month went by, and whatever crush he had on me that he was too scared to mention, had cooled off a bit. Instead, turning into a feeling of admiration, and I became his big brother in a sense. A role I was happy to play in his life. And then...the dance. I never thought it would go as far as it did, but everything happened so quickly that it was like time had nitro boosters pushing it a million times faster than normal. The next three months was one big heartache after another and...well...I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll just start with the dance.
"So...how do I look?" Ben asked me, wearing one of his favorite shirts and his best pair of pants.
"Like a fag." I giggled.
"C'mon! Shut up! I'm serious. Do these pants show off my butt?" He turned around in circles, trying to get a good look at it. I grinned. He was like having a really cute pet to entertain you non-stop. I had fun just being alive around him. It was great.
"Who are you trying to impress? It's just going to be us and the group there. And I think Mr. Harris is just a little bit old for you."
"Hey...you never know. If I get him for Physics next year, he might give me an 'A'. All based on the way my butt looks in these pants tonight." He smiled.
"Yeah, whatever. Your ass looks FINE dude."
"Are you sure? I mean, is it like a 'bubble butt', or like a 'tight butt', or like...just...a 'cute butt'? I have another pair of pants that makes it look more 'cute' than anything. I should wear those instead! I mean, all the stories online are always mentioning a 'cute butt', right? Well, most of the time. So I'm thinking..."
"I'M thinking you've gone completely sick in the HEAD dude! Enough with the ass already! It's beautiful like it is!" I said.
"You wouldn't lie to me, would you?"
"Dude...you're ass is magnificent. It's the most beautiful pair of buns I've ever laid eyes on. If you weren't my best friend, I'd be on my knees tossin' your salad right now! Are you happy?" I grinned and he blushed, bursting out into a suprised fit laughter.
"You're a sick man, Cory!" He straightened out his hair in my bedroom mirror and basically tugged at every wrinkle in his shirt until he was perfect. "You know, I only agreed to go with you because I knew you'd help me get ready tonight."
"Little did I know that it would be THIS much trouble."
"I just want to look perfect, you know? It's my first time out like this. Aww dude, I remember all those times in 7th and 8th grade, when my friends would talk about going out on their first dates and going to dances and stuff. And I would always listen and feel so bad because I couldn't go. Well...I mean I COULD go, but I would have to ask a girl and it would have been awkward and...well, you know." He said.
"Yeah...I know." I remembered it well. Always wishing that I could do the things the straight guys could do. To be able to talk about their feelings, or write love notes, or ask the person they liked out on a date without having to worry about being outed or beaten up or just completely rejected. It was the most helpless feeling in the world sometimes.
"I used to hear them make plans on Friday night, and I would stay home and cry because I felt so stupid. I would be lonely and hurt and just wished that I could have somebody see my tears and actually understand them. To just have a chance to be happy like everybody else. I hated it sooo much." Then I saw Ben's eyes glaze over and fill with wonder and amazement, "But tonight...tonight, I get to go. For the first time in my whole LIFE...I actually get to go. This is gonna be great!" He said, a smile spreading almost wider than his face would allow. He sighed to himself, and I just felt that freedom pouring out of him more and more. I felt that energy, and experienced my first dance all over again through his eyes. I couldn't help but smile myself. But if I got him started on this train of thought, we'd never get out of here. So I just stood up to signal that it was time to go.
"Ok, 'Mr. Cute Ass', time's up. Let's just go. We're already late and we haven't even left yet." I said, grabbing my mom's car keys.
"Ok, ok, I'm coming. Where's my cologne?"
"You already PUT on some cologne!"
"I know! But I can't smell it anymore. It didn't fade away on me, did it? Here...smell my neck." He moved closer to me, and I put a hand out to stop him, playfully pushing him back.
"DUDE!!! I am NOT smelling your neck! You need help, Ben. I mean it. I'm telling you this as a friend. Therapy will do you good...really." He laughed, and I thought for sure when he put on his jacket, that we were ready to go. But then, out of nowhere, he turned serious on me. And he walked over to give me a big emotional hug.
"Thank you, Cory. None of this would have been possible, if you hadn't been there. Tonight...tonight really means a lot to me...and...I'm proud to call you my best friend." His eyes began to water a bit, and I thought to myself...'ahhh...stage #5 achieved'.
I kissed him on the forehead and wiped a tear from his eye. "You look great. You'll knock 'em dead tonight, man." I said.
"Yeah..." Another loose tear fell from his right eye, but he tried to hurry up and catch it before his cheeks got all red and puffy. I straightened his collar, he straightened mine, and we left together for the event that changed everything.
It was the first dance we'd had since Ben came to join the group, and we expected it to just be us and some music. A few sodas, some joking around, and that would be it. We all knew each other, and it's not like we were cruising for some action. We didn't have anything to hide from one another at this point. However...we found out later, that we were joining our party with that of a gay youth club from another district. Other kids our age, with our same feelings. I guess they wanted us to mingle and spread out to meet new people, and it was something that neither me or Ben was expecting. I can be friendly, there was no problem there, but Ben nearly had a panic attack when he walked into the gym and saw kids that he didn't know walking around. "Holy shit! What is THIS???" He whispered loudly to me, tugging hard on my sleeve.
"Um...I don't know. There's an awful lot of people here."
"People we don't KNOW!!!" Ben shouted, almost hyperventilating.
"I guess they're joining our party with people from another school tonight."
"People we don't KNOW!!!" He shouted again.
"Calm down dude. No biggie. We'll just meet some new kids, see a few new faces, nothing too scary." I was trying to calm Ben down a bit, but it just wasn't working.
"I don't think I can do this, Cory!"
"I mean it, Cory! I can't do this! I don't know these people! I'm out of here man! Look...I'll call you sometime tomorrow or something, ok?"
"What? NO WAY!!! I'm not going to let you back out of this NOW! C'mon, it's not gonna be so bad. What happened to 'tonight I actually get to go?'" He was sweating now, and his knees were almost knocking together from the sheer terror that overwhelmed him at that moment.
"Cory...that was...that was before I..." But before he could finish, Mr. Harris walked over to greet us at the door.
"Hello boys. I'm glad you could make it. As you can see, we've got some other teens with us here this evening. Their gym was flooded last week by the rain, so they had to cancel their scheduled party and I told them they could join us over here tonight. I think it'll be fun for you all to talk to some new people in your position."
"I can't!" Ben shouted out.
Mr. Harris gave him a strange look and asked, "You can't what?
"I can't STAY here! I'm...uh...I'm not feeling too well. 'Cough, cough'."
"STOP THAT!!! Mr. Harris, he's just bit nervous, that's all." I said.
"Oh Ben, there's nothing to be nervous about. Take your coat off and just have fun. It'll be fine." Mr. Harris said. I think Ben nodded just to get him to walk away, because as soon as he did, he went right back to his panic attack.
"Ben, I don't see what the big deal is." I said.
"These guys are WAY out of my league dude! They'll eat me alive!"
"Hehehe, yeah, if you're lucky. Especially if it's that one! Mmmm is he cute or what?"
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME???" Ben was really stressed out over this.
I guided him over to a corner to hang up his jacket and said, "Look, I know this is a bit scary for you, but I'm telling you that it will be ok. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here by your side, no matter what happens."
"NO buts! Now you remember how terrified you were to meet US in the gay club on your first day, right?"
"Good. This is no different. You took a chance, stood your ground despite your being afraid, and you found out that it wasn't as bad as you were making it out to be. We can do the same thing tonight. Look at all of these beautiful boys in here...they'll be crowding around you in no time." I don't think I was helping him any, but he was going to stay at this dance if I had to tie him to the bleachers! "Earth to Ben, Earth to Ben...are you getting me, dude?"
"Sigh...yeah. Ok, fine. If you're gonna FORCE me to!"
"That's EXACTLY what I'm doing. I'm glad we have an understanding."
"Just...don't stray too far away, ok?" He said, a defeated look on his face.
"Stray too far away from my 'date'? Not possible. Now c'mon, I'll get you a soda if you promise not to spit it back up from shaking so bad." We walked to the refreshments table, and I made eye contact with a few new faces, got a few nervous smiles, some giggles. The whole gym was dimmed and the walls were practically glowing red with the flashing lights. They were playing some house music and had a few brave kids dancing, but most of them were plastered up against the wall. Our school on one side, their school on the other. Ben was sticking to me so closely that it was like having a second pair of clothes on. So I took some pressure off of him and just joined him up against the wall on 'our' side of th gym. I figured if I talked to him a bit and got him back to being somewhat sane, that he might be able to peel himself away from the corner and actually have some fun. I was sure that once he got used to the atmosphere, he'd be able to loosen up a bit.
It took about an hour and a half of holding up the walls before people actually started to unwind a bit and begin mingling with each other in the middle of the gym. I saw a few kids pass by us and shyly whisper a hello to me as they walked by. And some of them were pretty cute too. And then, one of them came by and stood next to us. With Ben in the middle. Naturally, Ben froze up and stopped talking to me immediately. He clammed up like a junkie when a police officer enters the room. The other kid didn't say anything at first, but I caught him taking little glances here and there at Ben. Once even looking directly down at his ass! Hahaha! I guess the pants worked afterall! Ben was too afraid to even look up from the floor, and if he didn't say something quick, he was going to miss out. Ben was cute, he just didn't know it. If he would just let go of his fear, just a little bit, he'd be a major hottie to most of the guys in here. I thought I might be able to move away and give the other kid a chance to make his move, but the second I took a step away from the wall, Ben asked, "Where ya going?" Stopping me from moving even an inch away.
"I was...just going to get some more ice for this drink, it's getting warm."
"I think I need some too. Why don't I go with you."
"Noooo...why don't you stay right here...and I'LL bring you some back." I said, gently pushing him back up against the wall. I silently gave him the 'stay' command and walked away to give him some privacy. I walked to the far end of the table, and then turned back to see what would happen. Sure enough, the two of them were staring down at the floor, scared to death of one another, but the other kid finally looked up and smiled timidly in Ben's direction. From the looks of it, he asked Ben what time it was first, to break the ice, and then fumbled around with some small talk. Hehehe, it was so cute to watch, the two of them trembling, not knowing what to do with their hands, feeling so out of control and not knowing how to fix it. Then, the kid must have told him a joke, because I saw Ben laugh. He LAUGHED! Contact! They finally looked at each other and I saw them shake hands, introducing themselves to each other. A huge grin crossed my lips, and my heart just filled up with this explosion of joy. I was so happy for him. I could see him blushing from all the way across the room, and after a few minutes, I could actually see him being himself again. The adorable little punk that I had come to know and love. And I think the other kid was impressed with what he saw. I think he got more than he was expecting from Ben, and they were getting along without any effort whatsoever. VERY cool indeed.
The kid Ben was talking to was a cutie too! Light brown hair with streaks of blond in it, big hazel eyes, slim hips, and the two of them saw eye to eye, being exactly the same height from the looks of it. I'll admit, they made a cute couple right off the bat. And they just kept talking. Everytime I looked over at them, they were just giggling or staring at each other as though they were discussing the great mysteries of life. They didn't need to dance, they didn't need to eat or drink, they didn't need anything but each other's company. Who would have thought that the first boy who talked to Ben would be the boy of his dreams? I think fate likes to show off every once in a while, you know?
I decided not to go back over to them. It was best to just let Ben move on his own. So I declared his dating 'training wheels' unneccesary, and walked around a bit, leaving him to his persuit for the evening. I talked to a few cuties, danced with a few, got some phone numbers too. I was going to be sure to give some of those guys a call. Especially the really gorgeous blond with the ear piercing who whispered what he was going to 'do to me' if I followed him into the bathroom! Hehehe! I look FORWARD to seeing HIM again! And it was almost time for the dance to end by the time Ben remembered that I wasn't by his side. Finally, he walked up, bringing his cute new boy toy with him. I couldn't help but smile. "Hey Cory. I want you to meet somebody. This is Chandler. Chandler, this is my best friend on the planet, Cory."
"Hi..." Chandler seemed to have the same shy beauty that Ben possessed, but he was a sweet kid. We shook hands and he nervously fidgeted around for a second before saying, "Well...I've gotta go. My ride is leaving."
"Um...ok. Kewl. It was...it was really cool talking to you Chandler." Ben said, starting to tremble at the thought of the evening coming to an end, and yet too afraid to let it go any further.
"Yeah...uh...you too." Chandler stood there for a few seconds, waiting. Shaking with the same thoughts and fears that Ben was, evidently.
"Well..." Chandler said, and then his smile faded a bit, and he said, "Bye..." He turned to leave.
I whispered in Ben's ear, "DUDE! What are you doing??? Get his phone number!"
"I...what if he doesn't...I don't even know..."
"He's gay, he's cute, you two get along, you talked all night, he LIKES you!!! So what are you waiting for?" Ben gave me these desperate eyes, not knowing what to do with himself. Too scared to move, too scared to stand still. "You might not get another chance like this. C'mon...take a chance. Remember?"
Ben took a deep breath, and then ran up to Chandler just as he was walking out the door. "Wait...say...uh...m-m-maybe I can call you sometime...or...something...?" He stuttered. I didn't hear anything else really, but I was almost in tears when I saw Chandler grab a napkin and write his phone number on it. He handed it to Ben and Ben treated it like gold! Then, with a timid smile, Chandler kissed him on the cheek and left. Awwww....it was so adorable! Ben walked back over to me, unable to keep his smile from hitting me full force, and he showed me the number on the napkin. You would have thought that it was autographed by God Himself. He just hugged me as tight as his frail arms would allow and whispered, "This is, by FAR, the best night of my whole life. Thank you..." And he literally began to cry on my shoulder. I saw Mr. Harris look over at me from the corner, and give me a look of satisfaction that basically said, 'well done'. Ben and I hugged like that until the lights came on and they were kicking people out. I had never seen him so happy.
And that's how it started. For the next three weeks, they talked, and they giggled, and wrote each other emails non stop. They had a level of closeness and care for each other that was out of this world. I loved seeing Ben so utterly enchanted by one person. He would gush about him, but tried to make it look like he wasn't. I could tell how much he cared about Chandler. It showed in his eyes, in the way he smiled when he talked about him, in the way that hearing his name brought this wonderful light inside of him to the surface. And he would always invite me to come hang out with them whenever they met. Always. He said he wanted me there to keep him from making a fool out of himself. So I'd go, and I'd laugh and joke around with them. And the more time I spent with them, the more I realized what a wonderful boy Chandler was. He was sensitive, and wildly funny, and incredibly sweet. He had this cute way of running his fingers through his hair when he was nervous. And a cute laugh. And his eyes would just lift you off of your feet if you looked at them for longer than a quick second. Chandler would sometimes brush up against me, and say, "Whoops! Is that a boner I feel?" And we'd all laugh. His jokes were beyond flirtatious most of the time, but it only added to his charm. Putting a bit of a twinkle in his seemingly innoccent eyes. I found my blond cutie from the party too! Just to make sure that he made good on his promise. Hehehe! When I told Chandler and Ben about the incredible sex I had, they listened with excitement. Especially Chandler, I think he got a kick out of hearing me talk about sex. He kept asking more and more questions, and he absorbed every detail. I think I made a good impression on him with my exploits.
Then, one night, I invited both Chandler and Ben to my house. Just to watch a video or two, order some pizza, just for the heck of it. It was the same comfortable vibe that we had maintained since that night at the dance. No different. The two of them had become my family and we did everything together. "I'm going to get another drink, you guys want one?" I asked.
"Nope, just fine." Ben replied, and they went back to watching the video. So I walked in the kitchen, popped open a Mountain Dew, and threw a few more cubes of ice in there. I didn't bother to turn on the lights, I wasn't going to be gone for that long. So it was a big surprise when I opened the fridge and I saw Chandler standing there.
"Change your mind?" I said. But something was wrong. I looked at his face, and it was so...weird. "Are you ok?"
Without a word, I saw him nervously look over his shoulder for a second, and then push the refrigerator door closed...turning off the only light we had in the kitchen. Then I felt him move towards me, his breath shaky, irregular, and....he KISSED me. With Ben sitting right there in the other room. I didn't know what to do! My eyes popped out as he gently pushed me against the counter and kissed me deeply on the lips. What the hell was going on? What was I doing? This was...Ben's boyfriend for crying outloud! Well...not his boyfriend. I mean they weren't...boyfriends exactly. But Ben was in love, there was no doubt about that. And I'm his best friend...and Chandler is...my friend too. My very...very...cute friend...who just so happens to be a good kisser. An AWESOME kisser! But...but this is wrong. This is SO wrong! And if so...why was it suddenly so hard for me to pull away?
My mind raced, my body felt weak. As he kissed me deeper and deeper, his hands finding their way up into my hair, all of my common sense began to melt away. I thought about all the time I spent with the two of them, and how beautiful Chandler looked to me. How I loved his laugh, how I loved his smile, and his hair, and his body was sooo attractive to me. The second his hips pushed forward into me, I was lost in his kiss. God help me...I felt my arms slowly snake around his slim hips and pull him into me, our hardness rubbing against each other. Mmmm, he tasted even better than I could have ever imagined. Then he began to rub me with his hand, his kisses travelling down to my neck...
"Omigod! He just tore that guy's arm off! You guys don't know what you're missing!" Ben cried from the other room. SHIT! What the hell was I DOING??? We stopped kissing the second we heard his voice, and Chandler smiled at me.
He proudly showed me the bulge in his pants before adjusting it with a smile. He then whispered, "I can come back after school tomorrow, if you want. Ok?"
"He's beating him with the arm!" Ben shouted out with laughter.
"Dude, are you serious? REWIND IT!" Chandler said with a laugh. Then he gave me another quick kiss and ran back into the other room.
I was speechless. What the fuck just happened here? My heart was beating so fast. I was breathing hard, more aroused than I had been in a long long time. Chandler's kiss had boosted me into orbit, and I couldn't find a way back down to earth. I didn't know whether to feel good or bad about what just happened. But after thinking about it...the sick truth came to my mind. I didn't feel bad at all. I felt GOOD. Damn good. I was guilty, of course...but...my heart was just full of this tingling sensation that threatened to burst out of me at any minute. I attempted to fix myself up and straighten my hair out again, before going back into the other room. Ben was stretched out on the floor, and Chandler was on the couch, waiting for me to come back. I got this jittery feeling inside, a turbulent mix of fear, confusion, and guilt. But flavored with an incredible feeling of attraction for this beautiful boy next to me. I sat down on the couch, and he looked at me and smiled, scooting closer. He would occassionaly smile at me, sometimes touch my hand, sometimes rub his leg against mine. And it all made me hard as a rock. I shuddered with the wonderful feelings inside, making me giggle to myself and smile back at him. Why? Why was this happening? Awww, I am SO going to hell for this! I never meant to come on to Chandler or anything. I mean, I never meant for him to feel this way. He just walked in the kitchen and kissed me out of the blue, right? I mean, it's not my fault. And it's not like Ben and Chandler were all lovey dovey anyway, they were just friends. So...I'm not really to blame for any of this. I'm not. That's what I kept telling myself everytime Chandler's touch caused my guilty pleasures to rise up within me. But no matter how I rationalized it all out, I still felt terrible. Ben would be hurt beyond belief if he knew that I had just kissed the boy that he had been dreaming of for so long. His feelings, his broken heart, his pain, were the circumstances that I couldn't develop an excuse for. There were a couple more times when I left the room, and Chandler followed me...getting another taste. Something about his kiss was so addictive. And the feel of his young lips against mine, melted my guilt and shame away until I just didn't care anymore. I gave in, and enjoyed the feelings inside. But we stopped when Ben almost walked in on us kissing up against the fridge. This was sick, and it tore me up inside to even consider what I was thinking of doing. Come on Cory...you're better than this. I can't stab him in the back! He's been a friend to me, a BEST friend to me. He trusts me. I can't do this. I can't just throw his feelings out of the window for a sexual interlude. I can't. End of story.
The movie ended, and they got their stuff to go. As they were leaving, Chandler gave me a hug, secretly rubbing his hand accross my ass. Then he smiled, looking deep into my eyes and said, "I'll see you soon. K?" And I hated myself for it, but I nodded.
Before walking out, Ben gave me a big hug and said, "You know, Cory...I think he likes me. Seriously. He is soooo cool!" And he waved goodbye happily as he closed the door behind him. I didn't sleep a wink that night.
The next afternoon, I skipped our gay club meeting after school and sprinted home. So many thoughts rushing through my mind that it didn't even seem real. It was like having a bunch of heart attacks most of the day. My head was swimming, my heart was pounding...I felt 'dirty'. But feeling dirty...felt GOOD. And feeling good about feeling dirty made me feel bad. Arrrrgh! And on and on and on. Ok, enough's enough. I entertained the idea of this little affair, I fantasized about it, I even jacked off about it last night. But I simply couldn't go any further. Ben is my friend, and I know how he feels about Chandler. It would be wrong to violate his trust and friendship by giving in to something like this. That's exactly what I'll tell him when he gets here. There's other guys. Millions of other guys. Cuter than Chandler. Guys who aren't attached, who aren't straight, and certainly aren't loved by my best friend. The choice should have been clear from the very beginning. But I was sooo sexually attracted to Chandler...he was amazing.
When I heard the doorbell ring, my heart jumped. An anxiety shot through me and I became hard almost immediately beyond my control. I could feel butterflies in my stomach, and it was hard to breathe. Be strong Cory. Just say no, and let it go. Chandler will understand, and I won't feel like such an asshole. I was trying to keep myself together, and opened the door to see Chandler standing there. Even more beautiful than ever, hair done to perfection, his clothes seductively clinging to his hips, his smooth chest, his tight young buns. His charming smile had a nervous, yet sensual, quality to it this time around. I swallowed hard, and invited him in. I was thinking of the exact words that I would use to tell him why this couldn't happen, a polite way of simply saying no. But as soon as I closed the door and turned around, Chandler was already moving closer. He didn't waste any time, and now that Ben was 'out of the way', he wasn't planning on holding back. I didn't have the chance to say anything at all. His kiss landed on my lips, and his hands caressed me passionately. Pull away Cory...just pull away! Why does this feel so...so...GOOD? I wanted to cry, to believe that I wouldn't be this helpless, or this blatantly cruel to my friend. But the feelings inside didn't stop me. My body's need for release had already driven out my sense of restraint. He guided me to the couch, and pulled me down on top of him, whimpering slightly at the thought of finally getting me where he wanted me. His hands were going crazy, up and down my back, as his hips lustfully grinded their way up into me. He held my head in place and his tongue twisted itself erotically around mine. We were both breathing so hard. Oh God...I wanted him soooo bad. My blood boiled with the passion inside of me, and the more I tried to hold it back, the harder he worked to suck it out of me through the tender embrace of our lips. I kissed my way down to the nape of his neck. The skin was so soft, so warm. It was delicious, with a slight taste of vanilla. His chest heaved beneath me, and his legs locked around my waist, pulling himself up into me. My tongue licked at him as hard as it could, and my mind wouldn't let me hold out anymore. I lifted myself off of him, and took him by the hand, leading him to my bedroom. That afternoon, we had sex more than once. His soft warm body pleasing me in ways that I had never imagined. For that one afternoon, the guilt left me, and sex took it's place. I tasted every single inch of him, from his lips, to his chest, to his thighs, to his toes. I sucked him for what seemed like hours. The long silky surface of his six inches contained a flavor that made me suck harder with every stroke. His body twisted in the most passionate ways imaginable. The sight of him, the scent, the taste...oh God what an incredible combination of lustfull teen passion and raw beauty. The muscles in my tongue were almost sore from trying to suck the taste right off of him. And Chandler was just as talented. His mouth was like magic on me. His ass was the smoothest, softest, most squeezable set of globes that I had ever felt. While he was grinding on top of me, kissing me, loving me...I would take two healthy handfulls of those pert, spongy cheeks, and knead them until I was absolutely breathless. We were going to be damned for this for sure...but the only thing that mattered at that moment was the feelings racing inside of me. The rush of knowing that I was tasting the forbidden fruit. That I was tasting the nectar of this gorgeous young boy that was willing to give it to me so readily. God, Chandler was flexible. He gently molded into any position that I wanted him in. And his soft moans were music to my ears. No one had ever kissed me with more sensuality, no one else had ever touched me the way he did. His whole body was blessed with this gentle heat that you never wanted to be away from. His skin would slide against mine so softly. Especially the tender meat between his thighs as I licked at his delicious sack. I would suck on it and his incredible flavor would dance across my tastebuds, almost making me go blind from the sexual frenzy that it threw me into. Feeling his soft nuggets on my stomach as he straddled me, kissing my lips, teasing my nipples, it was more than I could bare. The love we made that day was the best of my life.
The immense guilt of what had happened didn't really settle in until I saw Chandler getting dressed to leave. It was at that moment that I remembered that he wasn't mine. He was never mine. I began to feel weak, and evil...but satisfied. It was too late to take it back now. The deed had been done. I had betrayed Ben in the worst possible way, and I didn't know how I was ever going to be able to look him in the eye again. I thought that I would be crying myself to sleep. Or that I would be tearing my hair out. But I wasn't. I'd do it again, given the opportunity. And probably will. Arrrgh! That's NOT cool, but it's true. I think I had...'feelings' for Chandler. I don't know where they came from, or why, but I had them. And when I drifted off to sleep for the night, I found myself thinking about the few hours that we spent together, and the passion we shared between us.
It was awkward, to say the least for me to spend time with the two of them over the next week or so. My heart wouldn't let me look Ben in the eyes at all, knowing what I did. And after a while, I think he bagn to notice that something wasn't quite right. I mean, I did all that I could to keep things as normal as possible, but our 'focus' had changed suddenly. Chandler seemed to always sit on my side of the table when we went out now. He would call me or write emails instead of sending them to Ben. The two of them stopped spending time together without me with them, Chandler insisted on it. And after a while, Ben must have noticed that everything wasn't like it used to be. The last few times I asked for just him and I to hang out, he always said he was busy. And the one time I actually got to talk to him alone, he didn't really talk about Chandler much at all. It was more like he was hurt for me bringing it up. He just wasn't as talkative anymore, he withdrew from the both of us, and even when he smiled, it wasn't as bright as it used to be. If he didn't know, I'm sure that he suspected. And that might have been even worse as far as what was 'left' of my conscience was concerned.
Chandler came over a couple more times, for another afternoon of sexual delights. Everytime, our sex getting better and better. And at one point, he straddled my lap, and allowed me to enter his most private spot. Oh God, the way he worked those wet muscled walls around my stiff member took my breath away. It was sucking me from all sides, and he stared me right in the eye during the whole experience. Occassionally squinting his eyes as I sank deeper and deeper into his love. Those delectible ass cheeks of his, resting on my lap as he drove me wild with his tightly constricted embrace. He was sooo tight...geez, you would have thought he wa a ten year old virgin. As he looked down at me, I marveled at the beauty of such a sexually charged teenager. I drank him in, and held out for as long as I could, while he pleasured me. His up and down movements tensed every muscle in my body, his warm breath on my face, his soft, supple, globes slowly bouncing off of my lap as he sucked me in further and further until my entire length was bathed in the heat of his insides. My tip became sensitive enough to the point where it almost hurt, my stomach muscles contracting to the point where I could hardly breathe, and then I nearly screamed as I filled him with my seed. The both of us kissed long and hard, before calming down enough to lay side by side and wrap our legs around each other to relax. To have my body intertwine with his was an orgasmic high that goes beyond words. I simply kept sinking deeper into my obsession with this boy, and unknowingly getting further and further away from Ben. It was as though I had lost my control. Like I had already committed the awful crime, the ultimate sin, and had nowhere to go but down. There was no way that I could go back now, so why not enjoy it? Right? Sigh...I can't believe what I've done. What I CONTINUE to keep doing! This is unforgivable, and I KNOW it! I'm so wrong for this. It hurts to want Chandler this bad.
There was a knock at the door while we were petting and caressing each other, and I lazily got up to put on some jeans, and a button down shirt that I left open. I walked over and took a look through the peep hole and saw Ben standing outside! SHIT!!!! I was standing there, frozen for a minute, too confused to move, and then I decided to hurry back into my bedroom. I told Chandler what was up and to hurry up and get dressed. I made up the bed as quickly and flawlessly as I could, looking for any evidence of our lovemaking that might give us away. Then I buttoned up my shirt in a hurry and ran back to the door. I took an extra second to straighten out my hair, and try to look appropiate. I also heard Chandler spraying the bedroom to get the scent of 'sex' out of the air, I guess. Then, after taking a deep breath, I opened the door.
"Ben...hi. What's up dude? I didn't know you were going to stop by today." I said.
"Well, you didn't show up for the meeting again today, and you're usually the one who comes to every single one. Besides, I hadn't seen you in a while. I guess I just had stuff on my mind." He said. Chandler was still in the bedroom, silent, but he finally came out to say hello.
"Ben...hey...what's up?" He said. But at first sight, I knew something was wrong. Ben's smile disappeared completely, I don't think he meant for me to notice, but I did. It was as though his heart was breaking right in front of me, and my paranoia told me that he had figured it all out in that one instant. That was it, the concrete proof of the very thing that Ben had been fearing for the last two weeks. He didn't say anything at all.
"So...you wanna watch a...video...or something? We haven't done that in a while." I was hoping to still have a chance here. I mean, Chandler and I were friends, and Ben trusted me, right? I mean, Chandler and I could have just benn...hanging out. He doesn't have to know what we were really doing.
Ben stood up quickly, a fake smile crossing his face. "A-a-actually...I've really gotta get going. I've got a ton of homework, and some other stuff to do..." His voice was different. Shaking. Almost cracking. "You guys have fun. I'll...I'll see you later."
"Ben, you can come back and kick it with us when you get done if you want." I said, but he already was heading towards the door. And very quickly, I might add.
"No, I can't. It'll be late. I'll see you two some other time, I guess. Have...fun." He was hiding his face from me now. And his voice was trembling a lot. He was getting ready to cry, I knew it. Damn! I felt like shit!
"So, I'll see you tomorrow then? I mean, I can call you later."
"I won't be home." He snapped back, and opened the door. Then he looked at me with watery eyes, then at Chandler, then back to me. And he said, "Your....your shirt is buttoned up wrong." Then he just turned and walked away. Weak in the knees, and crying before he could get far enough away to keep me from hearing him. He knew, and I deserved whatever treatment he decided to give me from now on.
My stomach dropped down into my shoes, and suddenly, all the wonderful sex that I had been having with Chandler didn't seem to matter. I had lost a piece of my very best friend in the world. A piece that I wouldn't ever be able to get back no matter what I did. This would be a blemish on my 'permanent record' for the rest of my life. Was it worth it? It's hard to say. It was...before I got caught. I suppose that's how things go when you make a mistake. Win or lose, if you hurt somebody else, there's always a price to pay.
When Chandler kissed me goodbye, I almost felt sick. And I swore to myself that I would never sleep with him again. As though that meaningless display of 'loyalty' would mean ANYTHING now. I only wish I could beat the hell out of myself! That's what I deserved! Dammit! How did I let it go this far? How could I have wanted it knowing the consequences? I didn't mean it Ben! I swear to you...I never meant to hurt you! Sigh...but it was too late. Ben stopped coming to meetings immediately after that. No goodbyes, no glimpse of him in the hallway, nothing. For two whole weeks, it was like he had ceased to exist as a part of my life. And I missed him. Evidently, Chandler got the same treatment. And do you want to know what really hurts? I told Chandler that it couldn't happen anymore, and after a day or two, it was like he didn't really care. Neither did I. I mean...was this just a fling? Chandler and I were basically aquaintances before, and went back to being aqcuaintances again just as easily. Nothing more, nothing less. It was like it never happened. But Ben was still gone. Withdrawn into a world where I couldn't reach him. Where my emails and phone calls went unreturned. A world where 'good ol Cory' might as well have been Satan himself. It felt selfish for me to be hurt by the whole situation. Because I knew that, out there somewhere, Ben was hurting a million times worse. I had no idea just how bad it would be. Two weeks...and nothing. Not a single word. I began thinking that he would spend the rest of his life hating me. That's why I was so surprised to see him on my doorstep shortly after that.
"BEN??? Dude! Come in, come in! I haven't seen you in ages!" I shouted, shuffling him into the house. But when I closed the door, I knew that this wasn't a 'friendly' visit.
"I'm not going to stay long."
"Ben...listen, if we could just talk..."
"I just want to know why, Cory. Why?" His eyes watered up again instantly, his fists clenched, and I felt a sensation of shame rush over me.
After a long pause of not knowing what to say, I just mumbled, "I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? You can shove 'sorry' up your ASS!!! I don't WANT 'sorry'! I want to know WHY?" He screamed, a tear falling from his eye. I couldn't answer him. I just looked down at the floor as though I could wait long enough for this to blow over and all be ok again. No such luck. "You have nothing to say to me? Mr. Popular! Mr. Blond Haired Heartthrob! Mr. I Can Sleep With Whoever I Want, Whenever I Want! What? You didn't get enough sex from the horde of assholes willing to fall at your feet? You HAD to take Chandler? Is that it?"
"It...it wasn't like that..." I whispered.
"BULLSHIT!!! You are SO full of shit!" I had never really seen Ben upset like this before over anything. But his eyes were full of tears, a burning hatred forcing them out in buckets. "You could have had anybody you wanted! Anybody! You could have played the pretty boy and shaken your ass in front of any other boy on the fucking planet! But you chose to hurt me instead! Now, DAMMIT....I WANT TO KNOW WHY??? You KNEW how I felt about him!!! You KNEW! But you slept with him anyway! You just didn't care! You couldn't even FORCE yourself to care for MY sake! Not as long as Cory the blond wonder gets his rocks off! FUCK BEN if he's hurt!" He wasn't holding back, not that he should have this time. "Do you think it's easy for me? Do you? Do I come off as the kind of person who can just grab a bunch of phone numbers and fuck people whenever I get the urge, just so long as they look good to me? No...Unfortunately, I'm one of those few idiots left in the world who has to really FEEL something for somebody before I start shaking my dick at them! You want to know what the really sad part about that is? It's the fact that when I feel something, REALLY feel something, it makes me want to dedicate my heart and soul to them. And it just sets me up to get FUCKED over by every good looking boner in a pair of jeans! I lost. There's no doubt about that. I just want to know why you would do this to me? Why you couldn't have enough respect for me to just leave him alone? Huh? Why? Tell me why?" Ben shouted, now beginning to sob outloud as he spoke.
"I had feelings for him, Ben. I thought I might be....in love." It felt so blasphemous to even say it, but for a short while, it almost felt true.
"LOVE??? What the FUCK do you know about loving Chandler??? Huh?" I thought for sure he would have hit me if I said anything more. I could hear it in his voice. "When's his birthday?" He asked.
"Chandler's BIRTHDAY, you son of a bitch! When is it?"
"No? What do you know about his family? What does he want to study in college? What's his favorite tv show? Do you know ANY of that stuff? At ALL?" I shook my head slowly. "Where were YOU, when he was feeling down? Where were YOU, when he needed inspiration, or someone to talk to? Where were YOU, when he needed a smile? Where the FUCK were YOU, when Chandler really needed a friend to be there??? NOWHERE!!! *I* was there! *I* was the support and love that he needed to get by! So tell me...what exactly did YOU give up? What did YOU sacrifice that makes you think you deserve Chandler's love? How much time, how much effort, how much love, and friendship did YOU give him? NONE! But I guess you didn't need to, did you? Because I was the chump stupid enough to care about him and pick up your slack!" I sat back on the couch, feeling even lower than I already did. If that was even possible at this point. "Oh I see...I'm the one who gets all of the dirty work, all of the hard stuff, all of the emotional abuse, and the wear and the tear...and YOU get to FUCK HIM! Is THAT your definition of fair? I don't get to 'bat my eyes' at the boys and have them come running. I have to offer them something they can use, something they can appreciate in the long run. And I get hurt by it every single time. I've given him sooo much Cory...so much love, so much attention, so much of my heart and soul. And he completely destroyed all of that...just so that he could come here, and screw you. I don't know why I would ever love either one of you ever again."
"Ben...please..." I said, reaching out to touch him, but he thrust my hands off of him violently, his tears in full force.
"Don't touch me! Please...don't ever touch me again. You're an asshole, you're a liar, you're extremely selfish...and I don't want to have anything to do with either one of you ever again. I can't believe you would just.." He began to choke up, and just turned to walk out, but before leaving, he said, "I really liked him. I really did. It wasn't some hardon that I could have jacked off in the shower...I saw a beauty in him that you couldn't touch even if you wanted to. You really murdered a big piece of my heart, Cory. A piece that will be forever damaged, and I'm going to feel that pain all over again everytime I have to look either one of you in the face. I could expect that from other people...but not you two. Not you two." And he slammed the door shut.
Would tears do me any good at this point? I doubt it. But they came anyway. And they didn't stop for hours. A word of advice, listen to your heart before any other supposedly 'involuntary' muscles. Because you will lose MUCH more than you gain...always.