Two days had passed, and I swear that I could still taste him. Chandler's erotic flavor always danced in my mouth and in my mind for almost an entire week after we had gotten together for one of our little interludes. The very mouthwatering succulence of him was unbelieveable. Unexplainable. My heart would beat faster and my hardness would throb with the thought of having him wrapped up in my naked embrace again. It was so beautiful. Breathless to thing the spongy softness of him could feel so good.
And yet...the missing part of the equation was still there, sticking out like an obvious flaw in this supposed 'diamond' of a relationship. It kept poking painfully at my common sense and keeping me from enjoying any further thoughts of keeping Chandler by my side. No matter HOW gorgeous he was. No matter HOW sensually he could move his slim and wiry body to fit mine so perfectly. No matter HOW badly I thirsted for his expert kiss and the feel of his soft, smooth lips as they drained the breath right out of me. It mattered, but not as much as I wanted it to. And THAT is what made my inner conflict a hundred times worse than it was before.
What was it that I missed about Ben that I couldn't get from Chandler? Why was such a large piece of me so totally absent without him there? Why was I NOT the same happy teenager that I was when I had the pleasure of seeing Ben's smile every other day? Chandler was sexy and free and he liked ME! And even if it wasn't Chandler....there was the blond boy from the dance. Or the guy in my gym class that decided to give the 'gay thing' a try that one afternoon. Or that cute guy at the local cafe that's always smiling at me and giving me free stuff. I can find somebody to hang out with, and have lots of sex on top of it. So why should I care? Huh? What the hell makes Ben so special? Just because he's sweet? There are plenty of sweet people out there. Just because we have known each other for a while? I can build a history with someone else just as easily. So what's the big deal?
Maybe....maybe it's because nobody else knows me like he does. Maybe because they don't make me laugh just by being around me. Maybe because they don't ask me to smell their neck, or go chasing their tail in the mirror trying to see how their butt looks in a pair of pants. Maybe it's because they don't make all of those hilarious comments during a bad movie, or because they don't share the same heart and soul with me like Ben...used to. Maybe......maybe this mistake of mine is a billion times worse than I give it credit for. Yeah....just maybe.
I think that this was the first time the word 'hopeless' ever crossed my mind about finding a way out of this sinkhole that I stepped into. This is when the true conflict set in.
Still, I made it to the meeting after school that afternoon. It's funny, but even without him talking to me, knowing that Ben was there was somewhat comforting. It was an envious green torture to see him laughing and hanging around with other people while slamming his emotional door in my face over and over again...but he was there. For now, that was all I could ask for. "How you feeling, Cory?" I felt a hand on my shoulder and knew that it was Mr. Harris.
What else could I tell him? "Sigh....the same, I guess." I answered, then I saw Ben walk in the room and take a seat near the door. He didn't even look in my direction this time. "...maybe a bit worse..." I added.
"Listen, if you ever need to talk to me, I'm here, ok?" He said.
"Thanks." He must have heard the slanted tone in my voice, because he made sure to loo me in the eye to see to it that I got the message.
"I mean it, Cory. I'm not just offering to be polite, here."
I nodded. "I know. And thanks....really." That said, he left and we started off having a round of discussion about homosexuality in the media. It was one of those informative days where he got us to focus through our love of movies, music, and tv. It usually made for some entertaining conversations that held a lot of laughs all the way throughout. Not today though, not for me. I spent the whole time watching Ben and his new buddy grinning and having a good time together. I'll admit it, I was jealous. Ben was a fun and cheerful person....why does THIS asshole get to have his attention?
"How about you, Cory? Any thoughts?" Mr. Harris asked. Shit...like I needed THIS on top of everything else. The circle of kids turned to see what I'd say, and I looked over to see Ben's smile fade as he directed his eyes to his desktop. Almost as if to say, 'who gives a damn what Cory has to say?' Did it hurt?
"Ahem...well...I think....that gays are actually portrayed in a much better light these days in media. It's not as bad as before." I managed to stumble out a somewhat intelligent answer, but the heat of Ben's gaze could be felt even when I wasn't looking.
"Ok, I can see that. What was our image like before? That you can remember? Anybody?" Mr. Harris redirected the question to the rest of the circle, and a few other people piped up.
"Drag queens?" One guy said.
"Overly effeminate hairdressers and fashion consultants?" Came another.
Then Ben added a comment of his own. "One of the stereotypes that I remember was that all homosexuals were perverted and extremely promiscuous. That they had no control and would pretty much sleep with anything that looked good to them." Ouch....low blow. Ok, we can play it that way if we want.
"I remember thinking that all gay boys had to be these oversensitive, helpless, little sissies that would openly cry at the drop of a hat." I don't know where exactly that came from, but hey, he started it. "Timid pussies who were too afraid to say what they had to say." It was more from being hurt than being angry at him. Nonetheless....the challenge had been made.
I was expecting Ben to spit more venom my way, this time in front of everybody. But he didn't. Instead he slammed his notebook closed and abruptly stood up from his chair. "I'm gone." He mumbled.
Mr. Harris, I believe, was beginning to get the picture. "Ben, we've only got a little bit longer to go. You sure you don't want to stay with us for a bit?"
"No, I don't."
"How about....?" But Ben didn't let him finish.
"NO...fuck this. I'm leaving." He said, and he grabbed his backpack, jerking it angrily up on his shoulder, and stormed out of the room. Leaving the class bewildered, Mr. Harris concerned, and me....believe it or not....slightly satisfied.
That's right, satisfied. It felt good. Let HIM take a healthy dose of his own medicine for a change. He keeps kicking me in the ribs and I keep letting him. Well a line has to be drawn somewhere, and there's only so much I can take. The pain of having him hate me was starting to sour inside, and if this keeps up for much longer, I'm going to end up not caring anymore. And what made things worse is I saw his new best buddy 'whats-his-face' get up to leave also. To go make sure if he feels ok. What-EVER! I'm not the one making blindsided attacks here. Fuck him! That's what I was thinking. Fuck him. But...when he got up with his stuff and left the room, I knew he was going to go help him. Help Ben feel better about something that *I* did to him. I suppose that's supposed to me feel bad, right? Guilty, maybe? Forget it. He deserved it this time.
The rest of the meeting went by pretty quietly despite the interruption, and when it started to clear out, Mr. Harris used a stern, fatherly, finger to summon me over to his desk. He didn't say a word at first. He just pointed for me to take a seat in the chair in front of him while the last few stragglers filed out into the hallway. Then, he got up, and closed the door. His eyes met mine immediately. "Ok, Cory...talk."
"I didn't do anything.."
"Look, this isn't like you. Either one of you. Now something is going on, and I want to know what it is. I just want to help."
"I'm sorry, ok? Ben took a direct shot at me. He's ALWAYS taking shots at me. I guess I just got tired of it, that's all." I slouched down in my seat and gritted my teeth.
"Sigh...." Mr. Harris put his pen down on the desk, and said, "Ok, Cory...I'm only going to ask this once. And you can choose whether you want to answer or not, but I have to ask." I nodded, wondering what would make him ask my 'permission'. "Did you...have you and Ben been sexually active?"
I paused for a second while he looked at me for an answer. "What? Like...him and ME? No." Mr. Harris raised an eyebrow, I suppose to let me know that I could tell him the truth in the slight case that I wasn't already. "No! Honestly, we didn't! Promise!"
"Alright." He said, almost with a sigh of relief. "Well...it's obvious that something one of you said, or did, hurt the other. So...do you want to start talking, or should I simply leave you to figure this out on your own?"
"Sighhh...." Frustrated, I considered the possibility of telling him what happened. Just spilling the beans and maybe finding out whether or not he had some magic answer to all of this. But I wasn't really sure where to begin. Or even IF I should begin. I mean...I was ashamed to tell him, to be honest. I'm sure his confidence in me would be totally blown for good if he found out.
After waiting a moment in silence while I straightened my thoughts out a bit, he said, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, Cory. That's fine. But I want you to know that whatever it is, it's only going to get worse until you two sit down and actually talk it out. As long as you two keep waiting for the other to 'learn their lesson', you're going to remain locked in a stalemate. Some people lose really good friends, and even FAMILY members, that way. Over something as silly as a lack of communication."
"I'm not trying to lose him, Mr. Harris. If anything, I'm the only one trying to hold on to this friendship, and he's being a jerk. So if he's gonna give me shit, I'm going to throw it right back at him. What else can I do?"
"Listen...you may not believe it now, but Ben is a lot more delicate than you are. That's not to say that he's a 'oversensitive, helpless, little sissy' or anything, but you have to remember that he's still pretty new at all of this. This is a time when his trust in his friends is really all that he has. Especially when there are so few that he can talk to about these things. You follow me?" Mr. Harris saw my stubborn attempt to hide my emotions about it all, but as I started creeping back to feeling like shit and realizing that I had screwed up yet AGAIN...I guess it was pretty hard to conceal the fact that I didn't mean to hurt him. "I had a close friend of my own when I was...oh...about 12 years old, I guess. And I remember we had the biggest fight because I let him borrow my bike, and he left it outside somewhere unattended and it got stolen. Understand, I LOVED that bike to death! To think that he was so careless with it and let it get taken was a huge offense to me." Mr. Harris giggled at the memory. "Naturally he apologized profusely and tried every possible way to make it up to me, and I just kept tearing into him every chance I got. He'd call, and I hang up on him. He'd walk by me, and I'd ignore him. He'd ring my doorbell, and I'd slam the door in his face. Geez, I was sooo vicious. To this day, I don't think I ever treated anyone as bad as I did him that summer."
He stopped for a second, and even though I was still pouting quietly to myself, I asked, "So...what happened?"
"We made up. Just forgot the whole thing." Mr. Harris said, as though that helped me at ALL.
"You just...'made up'?"
"It was just that simple."
"I don't get it. Why? I mean, he lost your bike."
"Of course he did, and that made me angry for a little while, sure. But that's not what kept the fires burning for so long." He leaned forward a bit in his chair, "You see, to ME...it didn't feel like he was trying so hard to be friends because he missed me. It felt more like he was doing it because he felt guilty about the bike. And I WANTED him to feel guilty about the bike. So I kept pushing and pushing and really torturing him for something that...in the end...wasn't half as important as what we had as friends. I stopped being angry, he stopped feeling guilty, and we let it go."
"Somehow..I don't think this is going to be that simple." I said sadly.
"Nothing is as simple as it is when you're 12 years old, Cory. But if I had to choose between losing him and the bike...I'd choose the bike. Everytime." He said. "Ok?"
"Yeah...I think I see what you're saying."
"Ok...I guess that we're done then. Just, take it a little easy on the kid. He's hurt, not angry. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. Trust me on this one." He leaned back in his chair again and I got up to leave.
But just as I was reaching the door, I asked him..."Mr. Harris?"
"What happened to your friend?"
Mr. Harris smiled, "He's picking me up tonight and we're going out for dinner. We both turned 14, I came out to him, he did the same...we've been a couple ever since. A rare occurrence for a relationship to be so 'convenient', but I guess it's proof positive that it DOES happen every now and then." Grinning, he looked back down at his papers, "I never did get that bike back though. I loved that damn bike." He said, "But unlike the bike, I can have fun with my boyfriend when I'm not 'riding' him." I flashed him a quick smile of my own, mostly out of shock, and walked out.
So...what exactly should I expect of all this? Am I going to have to stop feeling guilty? DO I feel guilty? Or maybe I should stop pretending to get Ben back BECAUSE I feel guilty? Or....or maybe I'm no closer to understanding anything than I did when I asked. Hopefully...Ben will be able to 'let it go' before I go insane. It sucks being so helpless in how he feels about me, but what truly aches in me is the fact that moving on and leaving me behind is going to be a lot easier for him than it would be for me. I guess faith is all I have left to go on for now.
Ben didn't show up to the next couple of meetings at all, and nether did that friend of his. Which means that the two of them were probably off somewhere else having a good time. Or possibly having a junk session about me and how rotten a person I am. That seems more like it. Whenever Ben had a bad day or something to get off of his chest, he'd always plop down on my living room couch, stare up at the ceiling, and release an entire hour's worth of misery on me. Hehehe, thinking back to it, I think some of our most meaningful conversations came out of those rants and raves. It was so cute to hear him whine and mumble and overdramatize even the simplest of daily problems. But I loved being there for him, and I loved him having enough faith in me to tell me about it. I guess he was just getting to that point where the world was losing it's gloss and his vision of the 'purity of life' was beginning to show the cracks we all see in it more and more as we get older. And now, I was a huge part of that equation. A huge crack in the picture that I'm sure he wasn't expecting to find so close to home. It's not a cool thing to be, but I guess for him it's not a cool thing to look at either.
The phone was ringing as I got home, and I rushed in through the door to pick it up before it stopped ringing. "Hello?"
"Hey! Cory?" Came the voice, it sounded like it was coming from a pay phone.
"Chandler?" Perhaps..I should have let the answering machine get it instead. "Heya buddy...um...how's tricks?"
"Cool. I'm glad I caught you. Listen...I'm going to be around your area sometime tomorrow for a soccer game, and I thought maybe I could drop by your place for a while." He said. Sighhh...he still sounded so cute. Especially when that hint of undeniable mischief was delivered in his tone. His bouncy voice sounding like it was one exhalation away from a giggle at all times. It was so sweet, I could almost taste his smile over the phone.
Control Cory...this is what got you in trouble in the first place. "Um...well, you know, I'm not sure if I'll be around. I might...I think..."
"C'mon...I wanna see you again." He whined playfully. "I've been...thinking about you. Even more than usual." He said under his breath. Then he covered the receiver with his hand and whispered sensually, "I want to feel you inside me again. You made it feel sooo good last time. Let me take you in. I need it, Cory."
UMMM....can we say, WEAK IN THE FUCKING KNEES?!?!?! I didn't know what to say, my eyes bulged, and my brain suddenly flooded me with memories of Chandler's sex! His candied scent, his soft supple body, his innocent flavor. It was as though my body could feel him all over again, my erection suddenly springing to attention out of control at the mental picture of us grinding together again. The warmth of his insides, as they swished and churned and massaged my length vigorously as he bounced erotically on my lap. His breathless cries of passion brushing across my face as I connected my parted lips to his and...and...aw SHIT! "Chandler....listen..."
"I can't stay long. My bus is coming. Look, drop me an email tonight or something, ok?" He said, and then followed with, "I'll be dreaming about you until then, lover."
"Ok..." I said. "Bye." What ELSE was I gonna say?
"Bye." And he hung up, leaving me feeling somewhat confused. My mind and my body warring with each other again, this time more fiercely than ever before. But my heart...my heart took an interesting turn this time around. And after getting a chance to straighten out what I was thinking, I made a choice. And I wrote Chandler a sweet email to say...
"Sure! Come on over!"
Chandler's school was playing ours in a soccer game after school the next day, and I had almost planned to go out to watch. Almost. But when I started walking out towards the field, seeing the players doing their stretches and the like to get ready for the game, I happened to notice someone standing over by the outside fence off in the distance. Ben...all by himself, and trying to watch from far enough away to not be noticed. He looked so...'empty'. He was leaning forward, his face pressed against the cold steel of the chain link fence, his bag sitting faithfully at his feet. He didn't see me, and my feet simply led me over in his direction instinctively. My heart sank a bit for him, and I knew that even 'attempting' to talk to him might result in some more emotional battery...but Ben was my friend. Whether he knew it or not. Sighhh....ok, here goes...
"Hey..." I mumbled timidly as I walked up behind him. Ben slowly looked back at me, and instead of shooting an insult at me or walking away, he just rolled his eyes and turned to look back out at the field.
There was a silence, and then he moaned, "What do you want?"
I wanted forgiveness. I wanted my friend back. I wanted to say I was sorry. But...thinking back to what Mr. Harris said to me, I answered, "I want to know that you're ok. You looked kinda down."
I think it might have struck him as a bit strange, because he turned to give me a strange look over his shoulder. "I'm fine." Then he paused and asked, "Why the hell do you care?"
"I still care about you, Ben. That hasn't changed once during all of this. I...I miss you, alright? I miss 'us'."
"Sure you do." He answered sarcastically.
"I MEAN it, Ben. I miss talking to you, I miss laughing with you, I miss hanging out together..."
"Well then you shouldn't have FUCKED it all up!" He growled. Every word seemed to riccochet off of the barricade that he had built around himself since the day he saw Chandler and me together.
Still, I backed away from a fight. "I know. I know, and you're right. I fucked up big time. And I'm sorry." He started to get more agitated and turned to lean up against the fence again in an attempt to tune me out. "I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry, Ben..."
"You're sorry, you're sorry, you're SORRY! Yeah, I know. I've heard you say it a billion times now, and I haven't found a single apology that makes it hurt any less. So why don't you stop wasting your time and mine...and just go away." He said, a shakiness creeping into his voice.
I didn't want to push it any further. If I stayed for much longer, it would certainly lead to another battle between us. I just don't have the strength to fight it out with him right now. Besides, what would it solve in the long run? "Well...I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I guess...I'll just go." I started to walk away, and he didn't say anything at first. But turned to shout before I got more than a few steps away.
"Why are you doing this? Huh? I don't want to KNOW you anymore! I don't NEED you to care about me!" He had two small thin streams of tears on his face, and it was heartbreaking to witness the pain in his very aura shining so brightly.
"I don't want to throw away a friendship over this."
"Well you DID! And it's too late for things to get all cozy and comfortable again!" He sobbed. Then he looked back out at the field, Chandler coming out to play, smooth legs dropping down from his gym shorts, his soft sand colored hair blowing up with the most gentle of breezes. He was a living, breathing, work of art, that boy. Ben looked back at me with glistening innocent eyes, "You came to see HIM...didn't you?"
"I came over here to see if you were alright." I assured him, but his mind had already begun twisting my intentions into something different.
"This wasn't about me at all, and you know it." He wiped his eyes, straightened himself up a bit, and with a solemn face he hoisted his backpack up on his shoulder. "Well I'm fine. Now you know. You can get back to your 'boyfriend' now." And he walked away. Without looking back once...he just walked away. That was that, no more to be said.
I was pretty much stuck in one place as I watched Ben silently disappear around the corner. The funny thing is, it's probably one of the most decent conversations that we've had in weeks. But he was still hurt. I think the very sight of me hurt him. Watching Chandler hurt him. Knowing that I was waiting for Chandler hurt him. There's no way to win in this situation.
I waited until the game was over, and Chandler quickly trotted over to me with his gym bag to join me. "Sup? You ready?" He said. God he was beautiful. Even sweaty with a splotch of mud smudged across his cheek, he was gorgeous. His chest was still heaving from all the running he had done, and all that soccer playing had given him the most incredibly shaped smooth legs. Not to mention a pert bubbled butt that looked so inviting through his thin mesh shorts. Chandler lifted his shirt a bit to wipe some of that mud smear off of his face, and as it raised further and further up, I was exposed to his boyish glory all over again. His taut stomach with a tiny oval shaped dish for a belly button. The serpentine slimness of his sleek hips, his abdominal muscles were rubbery and flexible, almost like a fish anytime I felt him wiggle playfully in my arms. His ribs barely visible under the creamy white flesh, rippling slightly with his breathing. His small nipples, pointed right at me, and boasting the frictionless surface of a perfect teenage chest. My body began to feel the anxiety again, that immense attraction to Chandler's sex appeal, and no matter what I did, my mind refused to let go of the fantasy that he had made so undeniably concrete for me. He was literally a wet dream in the flesh.
"I'm sorry, hehehe, I must look pretty awful." He giggled. "You think I can take a shower at your house?"
And so the test begins. "Yeah...sure. Come on." I said. By the time we had gotten back to my place, he had already groped me three times and gazed into my eyes a dozen times. Trying to hypnotize me yet again with that raw sensuality that I couldn't seem to resist. But for a change, I was going to try. I wasn't going to be the puppet I had been, and I guess this little visit is going to prove that....or not. "I'll grab you a towel from the closet."
Chandler put his hand affectionally on my hip, and leaned close enough to rub his nose and lips softly accross my neck. "Mmmmm..why don't you get two towels, and come join me." Um...o-o-okaaaaayyy....this feels GOOD!
"Hehehe...if I did that, you'd come out even dirtier than when you went in." I giggled nervously, trying to joke my way out of a HARD situation!
"You sure...?" He said, kissing me softly on the lips, and rubbing his hand up and down the crotch of my pants. I was sooooo hard that I thought I would explode. His kiss was so professional, and it made you hungry for more every second. My head was spinning, and my loins were screaming at me to go through with it. 'Just ONE more time!' I thought. Just a 'goodbye quickie', Ben doesn't even have to know. Hell...he probably ALREADY knows! Do it! Do it! You KNOW you want him...you know it'll be amazing.
But, with an aggravating amount of will power, and a deep breath, I broke the kiss. "....nah, I'm cool. Go ahead." I said, and Chandler took a step back. A bit confused, but he didn't dwell on it for more than a second. "I rented a video. I figured we could kick back for a while and check it out when you come out."
"Yeah. 'Vampire Bloodbath In Jersey', hehehe it looked funny." I told him, but I don't think he shared my enthusiasm.
With a weird smile, he said, "Okaaaay, hehehehe! Whatever floats your boat. I'll be quick." He turned around and started undressing on his way to the bathroom, shirt first, and then stepping out of his shorts right before going inside. He was completely erect, his delicious inches pointing out in front of him and guiding the way. Then he smiled seductively over his shoulder at me, making sure to give his cute little buns a cute 'duck shake' for me before disappearing and closing the door behind him. His ass was a virtual place of worship for my adoring eyes. Do you have any IDEA how soft and smooth and sweet those cheeks are when they are sitting on your lap and all of your member is snugly fit inside of him??? Do you know how much his adorable pale tan line turns me on??? Do you understand what it's like to have those silky thighs wrapped around you while he whimpers softly in your ear??? Just seeing it for those few seconds made me want to bury my face in it and not come up for air unless it was a matter of life or death! The temptation was turning out to be more thn I was ready to deal with. In theory, I figured I'd be stronger than this. But ashard as I was, as short as my breathing was getting...I was obviously out of my league here. This boy is the devil himself, I swear!
The sound of the running water was hard on me. It was as though I could hear every droplet of water bouncing off of every inch of his succulent young body. It kept me nervous the whole time he was in there, and when I heard the shower actually stop, I got even MORE nervous. So I sat down on the couch, a freshly made bowl of popcorn, and waited for him to come join me. Chandler walked out with nothing but a towel on...around his shoulders...and the rest of him dangling free as a bird as he came to join me on the couch. He sat right next to me, and I could see him starting to harden already. "Better?" He asked.
"The shower. I'm not such a mud goblin now." He smiled.
"Oh...yeah. Great." I fumbled around for the remote control, and turned on the tv. "I hope the movie is good. I kinda just grabbed the sillyest thing on the shelf."
"Mmm-hmm..." He agreed, sliding even closer to kiss me on the side of the neck. My body trembled as I felt his warm lips slide across my skin. But when he moved his leg up to cross over me, I stopped him.
"Wait...the movie. I didn't put it in the machine yet. Hold on. I said, and I sprung up from the couch. My erection was making jeans so damn tight that it was difficult to move around in them! And when I slipped the tape in the VCR and turned around...Chandler was sitting there on my couch, a towel around his shoulders, otherwise naked as the day he was born, watching me with the most incredible look in his eyes. He had one leg up on the cushion next to him, his hardness tilted outwards, begging to be licked, his balls hanging from the base like two small ripe plums. The forbidden fruit of my life. He never looked better, and when he smiled, I almost caved in right away.
"COMING SOON...TO A THEATER NEAR YOU....!!!" The blast from the television scared the living shit out of me! The volume must have been way up or something, and the boom made me jump nearly a foot in the air. Thank the angels for that little snap back to reality! I was at the point where I could feel myself dropping to my knees and crawling over to pleasure that boy as if my life depended on it. I'd suck the fucking breath out of that sexy teen heart throb, I was so horny at that moment! But....I guess this wasn't about me. It was about Ben, and this may be my only chance to get this right.
"Sorry, it's up too loud." I said, turning the volume down a bit, and going back to sit down next to him again. Damn he smelled good. Freshly soaped up and shampooed, his body still soft from the heated water of his shower...mmmmm! He looked so smooth. I wanted to just touch him, to just...lightly run my fingertips over the surface of his thigh. That's not hurting anything, is it? Then again, what if that leads me to want to keep touching him? What if it turns him on and he wants to try even harder to have sex with me again? Ok...so that's out of the question, obviously. No more ideas. It's hands off, and that's it.
Chandler took the blanket that was hanging off of the back of the couch, and tossed it lovingly over the both of us, now stretching his sexy legs out and leaning his head on my chest. He wrapped his arms around me and tenderly gave me a squeeze as the movie started. He was so close, so fine, so sexually charged...and my body reacted accordingly. Almost beyond my control, just pouring itself into every bit of affection that Chandler could give me. I was overflowing with temptation at that moment, and my only savior was the television screen in front of me.
"I missed you, Cory." Chandler whispered softly, as he snuggled deeper into my chest. "I'm always so excited to see you."
"You...you too." I felt my body getting weak again. I don't think I've ever had another boy just desire me so badly before. I've had lovers before, but none as adorably dependent on my returned sexual feelings as Chandler was. It was more magnetic than you could ever imagine, and my hands were litterally shaking as my arm went around his naked shoulder to pull him in closer. I felt my hips thrust upward instinctively as I stretched to ease the pleasurable pain of having such a concrete erection. I think Chandler must have been able to smell my attraction, because he took that as a sgnal to snake his hand forward to lay on my lap. He rubbed my thigh in small, soft, but deliberate circles. My fantasies couldn't even begin to compare to the awesome realization that I could have this cutie right now if I wanted to. If only I could give in. Just ONE more time! Smelling the sweetened aroma of his clean boyish body...my whole body trembled with a frenzy that was one step short of convulsions. I wanted him so bad that I could TASTE him! My mouth began to water with visions of sucking his length into my warm lips and completely soaking him with every ounce of fluid that my mouth could produce. To be taken over by his rubbery texture on my tongue, to feel his pulse thumping away in the most vulnerable and personal part of his scrumptious teenage body, to hear him moan quietly and see the wave like ripples of his flat stomach as the sensation of my activities succeeded in taking him to new heights of passion. With thoughts like these...I won't be able to hold out for long.
Chandler's hand caressed my balls through my pants, and I sighed outloud as his lips, and then teeth, went to gently nibble at my nipples through my shirt. "Cory?" He whimpered.
"Make love to me. Just like you did last week. I'm sooooo ready for you." He moaned. I was stuck, lost, enchanted by a spell that was more powerful than anything I was used to.
"The movie is playing. Look. We're going to see a vampire any minute now....heh heh..." I wasn't doing very well in the 'playing hard to get' department. My body had betrayed me, and my stiff member gave me away. He knew what I wanted.
"C'mon, Cory....I've waited so long."
"Can't....can't we just watch the movie first?" I pleaded.
"We can watch the movie during if you want." He said with a smile, and then kissed me on the lips. A liplock that he put his heart and soul into. He REALLY needed me, I could taste it in his kiss. It was incredible, as though his rush of uncensored passion was transfered from his lips to mine, and then I felt his tongue lick out for entrance into my mouth. The kiss is how it always began, and I knew that if I got into it, I'd be gone. So I stopped.
"Wait...wait...let's slow down a bit. Ok?" I saw Chandler's face drop a bit, and I received another strange look before he went back to leaning against my chest.
"Ok...whatever you say." He said, and started to watch the movie with me, his head back to laying restfully on my chest. I don't think he was hurt, I just think he figured that he could come over, take a shower, and then just engage in a series of sexual interludes until we had to stop and get dressed again. Afterall, that WAS the extent of our relationship up until that point. Not today though...this was a test. This was a search for the truth. Without the sex....what was this all about? Just like Mr. Harris told me...
'...in reality, when you take away all the longing, and the sexual attraction, and the sleepless nights, and the whole infatuated frenzy of being with them every second of the day...it's what you've got LEFTOVER that really counts.'
I guess this was what was going to be leftover once the incredible, mindblowing, Earth shattering sex was removed, and something else had to take it's place. Rubbing my skin against his skin, kissing his pursed and wanting lips, experiencing the heat of his insides....it was beyond perfection! I knew that, and HE knew that. But what about the stuff that's not so physical? What about the stuff you CAN'T see? I guess I needed to see if those little things were present, and would stay there once this physical fling of ours had gotten 'routine'. If I was going to lose my best friend over this....it had better be for someone I truly love and is worth what it is I may have to sacrifice for this relationship to work.
The movie played on, just as ridiculous as I was hoping it would be. Hilarious even! But I couldn't enjoy it. Chandler wasn't laughing...it was like he didn't get it. Ben would have been cackling away like crazy right along with me. He would have been making up funny voices for the monsters, creating an alterior dialogue for the flick, making comments on the crappy gore and the bad acting. That's the BEAUTY of a bad movie! That's what makes it so much fun when you're watching it with your friends. It's the most fun you can have when you're with the right people. Maybe....maybe Chandler wasn't the right people.
"This movie sucks. You know that right?" He said, smiling and moving his hand back up to rub at my crotch again. "We could be doing better things with our time, babe."
"It's SUPPOSED to be bad! Hehehe, that's what makes it good."
"But it's NOT good, it sucks. Hello?"
"Whatever, man. You just don't know how to enjoy it yet." I said, but Chandler was more interested in trying to heat me up than he was in trying to get my point. It was then that I felt him lower my zipper, and begin to duck his head under the blanket. I gasped outloud....hoping that I would have the will power to resist, but all I could do was put my hand on the back of his neck as his warm wetness enveloped the head of my sexually frustrated inches...throbbing angrily at my attempt to prevent it from being satisfied. I felt weightless, Chandler's lips sucking at me so lovingly that I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. I was almost ready to explode right then, and for a moment, everything made sense again. Every wicked thing that I had done to get this boy to be my lover became justified and right and sane. Why? Was it him....or was it just the blowjob he was giving me? The fact that I had to even ask myself that question....meant that something had to change.
"Chandler....?" I said, still feeling his tongue underneath the ridge of my hardness. "Chandler.....stop.." At first, he sucked harder, and I moaned outloud in response. GOD....he was incredible! My whole body became alive with the sensations of his mouth on me. But still...I protested, "Chandler...stop. Please." And I heard a slight 'pop' as he slowly took one more long suck from base to head, and slipped my still hard member out of his mouth. His head emerged from the blanket, and looked more aggrivated than confused. This wasn't a strange look this time. It was more like....
"What's the matter with you today?"
I couldn't believe he said it. "What do you mean?"
"Sighhh....Cory...." He started. "...Come on...I thought we were gonna....you know?"
"I figured we'd watch a movie. You know, spend some time WITHOUT having sex for a change. Maybe talk a little bit." I answered.
"Talk about what?"
The look on his face was almost unreadable. Angry? Sad? Bewildered? Who knew? "Did I....did I do something wrong? If I did, please tell me."
"Chandler...you didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to spend some quality time with you. That's all." I don't think he was into this at all. And as he silently pouted by leaning his head against my chest again to watch this 'horrible movie', I began to notice it more and more.
Still, I tried to give it more of a chance, just to see if maybe this was just something different that we'd both have to get used to. I mean, it doesn't mean that we can't work this out. It's just a shock to the system when all we've been doing is fucking each other like mad on every visit. Mmmmmm....just thinking about it is enough to make me throw this silly plan to the wind and roughly make this angel all mine again. But every time it crossed my mind, so did the hurt look on Ben's face while he was out there by the fence looking at Chandler get ready for the game. For the first time, I was thinking clearly, and sex wasn't clouding it all with it's seductive haze.
We watched the next twenty minutes of the movie in silence. Chandler tried a few more times to get me 'in the mood' with his rubbing and touching and tender kisses. He even tried putting his head back under the blanket once before I stopped him. And we both got more and more tensed up as his advances and my defenses collided in the least friendly way possible. This isn't how it was supposed to feel. Not at all. It got to the point where I didn't even want the sex anymore. It was too easy, too ripe for the picking. That made it my mission to keep him from breaking me own. And once the sex wasn't in the equation anymore, I began to wonder why he wasn't laughing at this movie. I began to wonder why he didn't put on any clothes coming out of the shower. Or if he'd curse me out for treating him badly. Or if he'd ask me whether or not his ass looked good in a pair of pants. I wasn't getting that.....unique quality from him anymore. I mean, he was still DAMN gorgeous! Don't get me wrong. But....he didn't shine the way that he used to. He was a cutie with a great body and extreme talent in the lovemaking department. But....there were other cute boys, with great bodies, and who could put porn stars to shame with the sex they could provide. So what made Chandler....'special'? Suddely...I didn't know anymore.
"Listen, I hate to leave early and all, but I think I should be going." Chandler said, sitting up on the couch and looking around for his bag to get a change of clothes.
"The movie isn't over yet. We've only got like 25 minutes left, tops."
"That's ok. I'll rent it for myself some other time." Yeah right. Chandler got up and I saw his round tempting ass switch back and forth in front of me as he went over to get his clothes. He bent over, and the pink rosebud screamed out for me to fill it yet again. But I refused. Even though it looked *SOOOOOOO* inviting! He collected his clothes, and I watched as he got dressed all over again.
When he finished, I paused the tape, and got up off the couch. "So...you're leaving?" I asked.
"Yeah...I gotta go. Maybe I can stop by some other time." He said, zipping up his bag and walking over to the door.
"I'll see ya around, cool?" He leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the lips. Not the long sensual kisses that I was used to from him. Not at all. This kiss was given more out of obligation than anything else. "Later." And just like that...he was gone.
You wanna know something? I didn't miss him.
I ran to the bathroom and jacked off like a MANIAC, sure! But I didn't miss him. Not like I missed Ben when he wasn't there. What does that tell me? Did I really have this all wrong? Did I put sex and attraction so far above love and friendship and all the things that really matter in this world....that I couldn't even tell the difference? I'd love to believe that this was a one time incident. That maybe Chandler was just not being himself and I would have had better results if I hadn't been so sudden about it all. But...let's face it, without my mouth full of that hot piece of meat between his legs, or pushing into the moistness of his tight little ass, there wasn't much left to talk about. I mean, what the hell would we do with one another when we weren't having sex? We can't have sex ALL the time. Not forever. Geez...what have I done?
I sat down on my bed, wondering what it all meant. If I had any need to talk to Chandler anymore, now that I knew the truth. Now that I knew that I had been duped by a pair of pretty eyes, a slim body, and a seemingly instant need for his affection. I thought back to what Ben said to me that day he cursed me out for being a part of all this. And he was right....he was absolutely right. I didn't know anyhing about Chandler really. Not his likes or dislikes, his dreams, his aspirations, what kind of life he leads, his birthday, his hobbies...nothing. I don't even know how to spell his last name. And yet, I was willing to throw a friedship away to make love to him. I was willing to simply toss Ben's heart to the side, and truly hurt him more deeply than he's ever been hurt before, force him to be a witness to it all while I rubbed it in his face...just so I could get a piece of ass. Just because he was cute and I thought he was what I wanted.
For the moment, anyway....
As I lay back on my bed and think about it, I attempted to define what I truly would want in a relationship. Beyond the cute face and the shiny eyes and the body that won't quit and the bubbled ass. I wanted someone who could sit there with me, and watch that terrible movie and laugh with me without being bored or trying to grab at my genitals every five seconds. Someone who could honestly make me laugh, even when he wasn't trying to. Someone who's very presence in my life made me a better person, made me smile uncontrollably, and challenged me to think once in a while. Someone who I was curious about, and asked questions, who would ask ME questions, who I could share things with and absorb even more from him. Someone who wouldn't take shit from me, and would stand up to me if I did something that totally sucked. Someone like.....someone like....
Shit...is it me, or did this whole thing get even MORE twisted than it was a second ago?