I wish to retain all rights to this story. However, I am delighted to grant permission for AwesomeDude, or any other person or entity, to publish this story as long as there is no charge to the reader and as long as no changes are made to the story.
Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.
CHAPTER 6 — Austin
The Sunday morning sports page had a regular article where each local coach named his player of the week. Coach had given my name this week. I was popular at my parent’s church that morning. Men backslapped and congratulated me. Girls smiled at me. And later that day, a couple of teammates stopped by. But what really got me excited wasn’t talking about the football game, but rather, thinking about bicycling… with Daniel.
It turned out that Dad was almost as happy as me about the idea of my buying a bike. I guess he was a closet cyclist. He arranged to meet Daniel and me at the local bike store at lunchtime on Monday. We told Stefan our plans and he wanted to come too. All of us wound up meeting Tuesday and Wednesday as well, before finally settling on a bike and all the right extras. Dad wanted me to get a good bike and chipped in some extra cash to help.
Stefan found a bike he liked too, but needed to save more before he could buy it.
The only problem with all the excitement of buying the bike was how I felt each time I was with Daniel. I hated the feeling that I was hiding something from him. I felt like I had cheated on him, all because of that fucked-up bus ride.
On Wednesday, when we bought my bike, excitement won out over all my other feelings. I was anxious to take it out for a ride that night after football practice. Daniel joined me for a short ride. I wore the shorts he had given me and had to sneak my hard cock out the door by holding a bike bag over it. Daniel and I rode around town. The bike was a Raleigh, with dark blue paint and great components. The tires were thinner than a tight butt crack. It was an absolute joy to ride. Once I got the shifting down pat, I even made Daniel work to keep up with me.
On Thursday night, Daniel had to attend a dinner with his parents, and my family all went to see Colin’s football game two towns over. Even though we only had a short football practice, I had a ton of homework and decided to stay home.
Back then, we rarely locked our doors when someone was home. Kids and adults were always coming and going. So when Austin came by, the door was open.
I was lying back on my bed in running shorts and a t-shirt, reading with a book in my right hand and scratching my balls with my left. When Austin came through the door saying, “Hi!” I virtually levitated off the bed in surprise.
“Ha,” Austin said in triumph, “I scared you.” He was standing in the doorway, his slender frame encased in shorts, t-shirt, and sandals. His eyes danced mischievously as he leaned against the doorframe. The fine hairs of his arms and legs were gold against his dark tan, and it was hard not to notice that he was a damn cute kid.
“No Austin, you didn’t scare me. I jump like that for exercise. It’s what I do for a workout at night.”
For a moment, Austin gave me a blank look. Then he smiled and raised an eyebrow, “Really? I can think of better workouts.” He walked toward my bed. “Where is everybody?”
“At Colin’s football game. I stayed home to study.”
“Oh, I didn’t know Colin had a game,” Austin said innocently in his raspy, fourteen year-old voice.
I raised my eyebrow and smiled, “Really?”
He ignored me and looked at my book. “Math,” he said with mock dread. “Yuk.”
“I like it,” I told him. “Smart people do.” Then I wriggled my eyebrows at him before burying my head back into my book.
The next thing I knew, I felt Austin’s hand on my leg. “Man, you’ve got long legs… and strong, too,” he said, giving my leg a squeeze. “You lift weights?”
“Yeah, some,” I said, and shook my leg so he’d lift his hand. I lifted the book higher with my right hand and let my left arm lie at my side.
Austin climbed onto the bed, planted a knee on either side of me, and sat down so that what he had between his legs pressed on what I had between mine. “Maybe you can teach me how to workout with weights,” he said.
His package pressed down on mine as he leaned forward and I felt his hand on my left bicep. “You’ve got good muscles, Sean. Some guys do weights too much. I don’t like it when guys get fat muscles. Skinny’s better. Daniel’s too skinny though, but you’re just right.”
Austin rocked around on me as he talked and I felt myself stiffening under him. I would have made him get off me except that I figured the little shit knew exactly what he was doing and wanted me hard. Besides, it felt good. I pretended to ignore him. But when he pulled the bottom of my shirt up, I put the book down.
“Nice abs,” he said. Austin lifted my shirt higher and peeked under. He smiled and ran his hand over my belly. Then he leaned forward and I could feel that he was hard, too. “Take off your shirt,” he said. “I want to see your muscles.”
I laughed; he was so obvious. And then he winked and looked so damned cute. Sure, he was coming on to me, but I was flattered. Without getting up, I pulled my shirt off.
Austin’s eyes widened with pleasure as he looked me over, and I was even more flattered. He placed his hands on my stomach and rocked forward and back, rubbing my belly skin over my ab muscles.
His eyes traveled up to my chest. Leaning forward even more, he put both hands on my pecs. “What are these muscles called?” he asked, rubbing them in opposite directions.
“Pectorals,” I said, enjoying the feel of his hands. “They call ‘em pecs.”
He rubbed, and grinned down at me.
Sliding my hands up to cup his butt, I pulled his hips tightly to mine, our erections pressed together. “Know what these muscles are called?” I asked, kneading his butt.
Austin chuckled. “Which ones?”
“These muscles, you screw-up,” I said laughing, and kneaded his butt.
“Sure,” he said, with a smile. “They’re called buttocks.”
I shook my head, slowly. “Sure, but their also called, glutes… gluteus maximus.”
“Glutes,” he said with a smile and wiggled his butt against my hands, which also had the effect of wiggling his crotch against mine.
Austin slid his hands to my sides. “What are these called?” he asked, gripping my lats.
“Careful,” I cautioned, tensing. “I’m ticklish.”
Austin smiled, but I answered him before he could get ideas. “Lats,” I said. “Latissimus dorsi”
He stroked up and down the muscles. “Lats,” he said appreciatively. “You’ve got nice ones.” Cocking his head, he eyed me suspiciously. “How do you know all these muscle names? From sports?”
“Nah,” I answered. “I’ve always liked biology.” I held his small hips and moved him over me.
“Biology, huh?” He grinned mischievously and moved his hips for my hands. Then his eyes traveled higher up my body. “What are these?” he asked, placing his hands on the ends of my shoulders.
Austin nodded. “Stefan has great deltoids. Does he get them from exercise?”
“Nope. He’s always had good delts.”
“You’ve got good delts, too,” he said, squeezing my shoulders. Then his hands slid along the top of my shoulders toward my neck, and he bent farther over me, his face coming close to mine. “What are these called?” he asked squeezing my muscles, his eyes teasing.
“Trapz,” I said. “Trapezius.” His face was so close. I wondered if he’d ever been kissed.
“You’ve got killer trapz,” he said softly. His smile faded, and our eyes locked. He licked his lips and then spoke very quietly. “Let’s do what you and Dan did at the beach.”
There’s always a moment in each sexual encounter when you can stop yourself. You don’t always recognize those moments when you’re sixteen, but there was just a second there when he mentioned Daniel’s name, and I remembered how Daniel’s face looked when he bent over me and how his body felt on mine. I could have stopped right there.
But his now hard cock pressed alongside mine through our shorts, and he ground against me as I considered. It might be different if I hadn’t already messed with Stef and Aaron. But since I was already hiding that from Daniel, what was one more thing? I didn’t need to tell Daniel about this either. Austin squeezed my trapz harder. “You can cornhole me,” he said in almost a whisper.
I couldn’t help it. My cock twitched.
“Let’s take our pants off,” he suggested.
Before I could say yes or no, he sat up, tugging at my waistband. I lifted my hips and he pulled my shorts down. Austin’s eyes locked onto my cock when it sprang free and slapped up against my stomach.
For my part, I watched his cock spring up when he pulled off his shorts. He was well hung for a small guy, his cock wagging as he pulled off his shoes and shirt. For all his admiration of my body, his was beautiful in a slender, boyish way. His dark tan contrasted dramatically with the skin left white by his speedos. He had little pubic hair. But judging by the size of his equipment, he was well into puberty. His cock and balls were flushed a deep red and looked huge on the white of his body. I wondered if he would grow into them or if his privates would continue to grow as he did. If so, he was going to be remarkable. But then I thought, he already was.
“Lock the door,” I told him before he could get back on the bed.
He turned, closing the door. Austin’s deeply tanned back was all bone and muscle. The long muscles on either side of his spine rose gracefully up from where they anchored in his narrow, white bottom. His speedos had left an incredibly sharp tan line over his brilliantly white butt. It was the one place he looked soft.
The door locked, he came back to me, his erection bouncing with each step of his small body. And then he was back on me and this time there was nothing between us.
Austin wrapped his hands around our two cocks, holding them together, and thrust with his hips, rubbing his cock on mine. I grabbed his butt, pulling him against me. “Damn, Austin,” was all I could think to say.
“What do you want to do?” he asked.
“Study math,” I gasped, my eyes rolling up.
Austin laughed and lay down on me. “You wanna suck each other’s cock?” he asked, his face close to mine.
This time I didn’t wonder if he’d ever been kissed. Grabbing the back of his neck, I pulled his face down to mine, his mouth to mine.
At first he resisted, just a little. And kissed stiffly. But I held him and worked our lips together. Austin loosened up. He relaxed and held my shoulders, and he kissed me back.
I rolled us, so that I was on top, my hips settling between his legs, and felt my loose ballsack settle over his. When I opened my mouth, he opened his to me and I pushed my tongue in. Austin warmed to me and wrapped his arms over my neck, sighed, and then locked his legs over the back of mine.
When I moaned, Austin moaned. And then he moaned again.
Austin’s body was the size of a girl’s. His skin was smooth, and his butt was soft. Yet he had the bone and muscle of a boy; a strong boy. And he felt damned good, especially where our bellies pinned our cocks together. I ground against him, wrapping my arms under him, resting my weight on my elbows. Austin’s hands left the back of my neck and traveled appraisingly over my shoulders and arms.
He took a breath and squeezed my deltoids when I began to thrust against him. “Your muscles are so hard,” he said huskily. His hands moved from my shoulders down my arms, then to my sides, and onto the top of my back. I shuddered under their light touch. “You’ve got a great body,” he whispered. Then he looked up at me, hungry, and I knew for sure that Austin was gay.
I buried my face in the side of his neck, not ready to be so honest in the way I looked at him.
His lips pressed my ear. “Do to me what you do to Daniel,” he whispered.
Groaning, I ground my hips down onto his and filled my nostrils with the scent of his hair.
Austin squirmed under me and held my cheek pressed to his. “Please,” he said. “You can cornhole me. Daniel did, and Ryan and I have been doin’ each other.”
“Your brother?” I asked, surprised, and lifted my head to look down at him.
“Yeah, some,” he answered quietly, looking away for a moment. Then turned back to me. “Come on. No one’s around. It’ll be fun.”
Austin felt so damn good under me, and he was right, Daniel had messed with him already. If Daniel could, then I could. And there was no denying, Austin was almost beautiful, especially when he opened his light, gray eyes and looked up at me so hopefully. His fine, blond hair fanned out over my pillow like an aura around his head. His lips parted. The planes of his cheeks looked so smooth, so… soft.
I lowered my face slowly toward his, and he closed his eyes. I kissed him lightly, once, twice. He moved his smaller body under mine, squirming, excited. His belly heaved under my belly, his mouth was hot, and when I looked down at him, his face was flush.
“Let’s do it,” I said.
“Let me roll over,” he said.
“No,” I shook my head. The smallness of his body excited me. I wanted to fold his body in mine. “Let’s do it like this. Face to face,” I suggested. And then I had another moment when I could have stopped, because Daniel was the only one I had done face to face with. At least that kind of face to face. But then I kissed Austin once again and he grabbed my butt.
He was quiet when we finished. I had stayed inside him until he came, and now his cum lubricated our bellies. Pulling out, I rolled onto my back beside him and considered getting a towel. But my arm was still under Austin’s head and he scooted toward me, crossing his arms in front of his chest, resting his head on my bicep, and tucking himself into my side. He looked almost angelic with his eyes closed, which said a lot for how much of Austin was in his eyes.
“You OK?” I asked.
“It’s not like it was your first time,” I pointed out.
Austin rolled his head from side to side on my forearm. “I’ve never done it like this,” he said softly, “ with the kissing and all.”
“You’ve never kissed another guy, right?” I asked, understanding how he felt.
“I’ve never kissed anyone but my mom,” he said with a chuckle.
Then he put his arm over my chest, lifted it when he felt dampness, then lowered it again. “You got cum on you,” he said.
“No shit,” I answered. “And who’s would that be, I wonder? And don’t get it on my bed.”
“Too late,” Austin answered with a lazy smile, his eyes, dreamy.
I shrugged. “I’ll pull my covers back up in a minute.”
Austin rubbed his cum into my chest and belly. “I like kissing,” he said. “At least kissing with you, Sean. I can tell you’ve had lots of practice.”
“Yeah, right,” I said with a small laugh. “Last month, when we camped at the beach was the first time I’d ever kissed a guy, and I hadn’t kissed that many girls either.”
“No kiddin’?” he asked, his eyes beginning to dance once more. “Who’d you kiss? Daniel?”
I nodded and looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t think anybody else can kiss like that, Austin. I mean, when we kiss, it’s like he does something to my whole body. Sometimes, it’s like he pushes my ‘light my fire’ button. And sometimes, I just go all soft inside. And his mouth. I love the way it’s always just a bit curled up in the corners, like he’s always ready to smile, and his lips aren’t too thin or too thick. They’re like a beautiful girl’s lips, but firm. And his mouth is always hot and tastes like…” I suddenly realized that I was running on. Somehow, I felt like I could talk about Daniel with Austin in a way that I couldn’t with anyone else. But Austin was very quiet.
“Sorry,” I said. “Guess I got carried away.” I glanced at him.
He was studying my face. “You really like Danny, huh.”
I nodded. “Yeah. And don’t even try to tell me you don’t like messing around with guys.”
“Sure,” he said and moved his head to my shoulder, putting a leg over mine. “I like it.”
Resting my cheek on his hair, I laid my hand on his arm. “When did you start, you know… messing around with guys?” I asked quietly.
He shrugged. “I always liked looking at guys, I mean, guys like you. I always hated being so short, and I’ve always wished I could look like other guys who are tall and have good bodies.” He rubbed my chest again, my hand moved with his arm.
“You’ve got a great body,” I said. “Girls don’t always go for tall. They go for cute. And you’re cute.
“What about you?” he asked without looking at me. “What do you like?”
He asked, as though what I liked might be more important than what girls like. “Just now,” I said, rubbing his back with my other hand. “Doing what we were doing… well, your body was damn hot, Austin. I thought it fit mine perfectly. Like everything was in just the right place between us. I was really, really turned on.”
He lifted his head and looked at me skeptically.
“Honest,” I said with a chuckle. “Hell, couldn’t you tell you had me all worked up?”
He smiled, and his eyes danced again. Then he laid his head back on my shoulder. “Yeah, you were worked up. Me too. You felt so strong holding me like that. Your muscles are so hard. You have a great body, Sean.”
“Well, I chuckled. My body likes your body.” I lightly stroked his back. “So,” I asked, “tell me who you’ve messed around with.”
Austin pressed his forehead into the hollow of my neck and rubbed my shoulder. “A couple of years ago, when we got our beach house, Daniel’s family came and they brought Stef’s family too. Stef and Daniel shared Ryan’s bed and Ry slept with me. Anyway, Ry had fallen asleep and those guys thought I had.”
He rubbed my nipple with a finger. “They started talking. And you know how you can tell that somebody’s up to something just by the sound? Well, I tried listening harder and I heard Stef say, ‘I asked, do you wanna’ try cornholing?’ Well I wasn’t sure what that meant, but it sounded like something… nasty.”
“I was on my side, sorta like this, facing them. So I kept my eyes squinted to watch and played like I was asleep. They did it all under the covers, and back then, I thought Daniel was just rubbing himself on Stefan, and then Stefan on Daniel. I’d never really thought much about doin stuff with a guy. But they really went at it, and it made me horny.”
“After they were asleep,” he said. “I rolled over and rubbed myself on Ry’s butt while he slept, ‘till I came in my underwear. And after that, I started thinking about doin’ stuff with guys, all the time.”
“So when did you… finally do it?” I asked.
He put a finger into my navel and wiggled it. “I showed Ryan how to jack off,” he said. “And we rubbed on each other some. He didn’t even cum back then, and I didn’t always, but we just rubbed at night some. Scotty, a buddy of mine, and I started trying things, mainly jacking each other off. And we tried sucking each other. We liked it, but liked rubbing about as much as anything. Then I heard what cornholing really was and thought about it… you know… like doing what Daniel did to Stefan.”
He paused. His story had given me an erection. It lay flat up my belly, and I thought I felt his cock getting hard against my hip.
“Go ahead,” I encouraged.
He pressed his forehead harder against my neck, and I was surprised that mischievous, cocky little Austin might be modest.
“Well,” he said. “I got Scotty to try cornholing with me, but we couldn’t get it to work. I didn’t know you had to use lotion or something. Then Scotty moved. But at the beginning of this last summer, Daniel stayed with us at the beach when school let out, and I got him to sleep in my bed with me.” Then he giggled. “I wanted to do stuff with him. So, like the first morning, I played like I was still sleeping and sorta laid on him, with my leg over his dick, like this…” he moved his leg up over my erection. “I moved it around till he got hard.” He moved his leg to show me. “And when Daniel woke up, we just started rubbing together, playing like we were asleep. But he knew I wasn’t sleeping when I grabbed his dick,” Austin said laughing.
“So,” I said. “I know you guys tried cornholing. I guess you liked it.”
He nodded. “Yeah, a lot.” Then he looked up and me, his eyes dancing. “I got Ryan doing it with me now.”
“He’s ok with that?” I asked.
Austin giggled. “He wouldn’t look at me for a couple of days after I cornholed him the first time. But then he got horny and wanted to cornhole me. So I let him and now we take turns. And now,” he said, pulling one of my pubic hairs, “Ryan wants to mess with you.”
He chuckled. “Man, when Ry saw you in just your swim suit, it’s like he fell in love or something. But he’s like really shy. I told him that he should come over here. I told him you were probably like Daniel. Just get you hard and you’ll do stuff.” He giggled. “Like tonight.”
I reached down and pinched his butt. He squirmed against me and his erection pressed into my hip.
He giggled, and then continued. “Anyway, when Ryan wouldn’t come over here. I told him that I would, and that I’d get you to do stuff.”
He reached down and, moving his leg from atop my cock, he grabbed the base of my shaft and rolled it around. “You’ve got a big cock.”
“You’ve got a nice cock, too,” I started to say, “for a little guy,” but caught myself in time.
“Don’t tell Ryan I told you, OK?” he asked quietly. “I mean that he likes you and all. He’s really shy. But you’re like his hero now. Especially the way you play football.”
“I won’t say anything,” I assured him. “So you just came over to rape and pillage me, huh?” I asked with a slap to his butt.
“Hey, I like you, too,” he protested. And then in a quieter voice added. “I like you a lot. You’re a nice guy. You’re nice to everybody, including us younger guys. Like when we were in the scouts. That’s why Daniel says he likes you. Because you’re different than everybody else.”
“So he likes me for my personality?” I asked with a chuckle.
Austin nodded, missing the joke, but then said, “And he says you’re cute and fun to mess around with.”
“Damn,” I groused. “He sure talks a lot.” Then something occurred to me. “Hey, this last time he was at the beach with you guys, did ya’ll mess around?” Even though that trip was before our night on the boat, it was after Daniel and I had met. I wondered if that had changed things.
“We always mess around some,” Austin said. “Ry and I got him to do stuff, but not much this time. He was tired.”
Tired, huh. I thought about it, wondering if he held off, thinking of me. But before I could begin to feel guilty about not holding off much myself, Austin gave my cock a stroke.
“Tell me how you started messing around with guys,” he said.
I shrugged. “I was twelve,” I said. “A friend and I started doin’ stuff together when we were twelve.”
“No shit? Stefan?” Austin asked, stroking my cock slowly.
“Yeah, Stef,” I said.
“How’d you start?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I said, thinking back. “I remember, we decided to measure cocks because he didn’t believe me when I told him how long mine had gotten. Then we talked about the way we each liked to jack off, and then we showed each other how we did it. I jacked Stef while he did me.”
Austin nodded. “Daniel says you and Aaron do stuff, too.”
I frowned. “Daniel definitely has a big mouth,” I complained.
“I guessed on my own,” Austin said scornfully. “Aaron was with you guys at the beach.”
“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have figured it out if Daniel hadn’t talked so much.”
Austin slid his leg farther over mine, rubbing himself against my hip. “Tell me how you and Aaron started.”
I chuckled and looked up at the ceiling. “I think Aaron was born jacking off. Not long after Stef and I started messing around together, Aaron and I found some of his father’s playboys and wound up jacking off together. And then, all I had to do was mention that guys sometimes mess around. He already knew about that, and next thing I know, we’re cornholing each other.”
“And Daniel?” he asked. “How’d you start with him?”
Stroking his back, I told him about the beach trip, and about our night on his dad’s boat. I told him the things I felt about Daniel. Somehow, it was easy to talk to Austin, even if my story did start him humping my hip.
When I finished, he was quiet for a moment, then lifted his head to look down at me. “Do you really like short guys?” he asked.
I rolled to face him, pulling his leg over my hip. I smiled. “Sure. Look at Stef. He’s always been my best friend and he isn’t much taller than you.”
“I didn’t mean as friends,” Austin said, frowning at me.
“I know what you meant,” I said and pulled his butt my way so that we pressed together. “Honest. Didn’t you like what we did a while ago?”
Austin grinned at me and rubbed his hand over my side. “Yeah, I liked it. Umm,” Austin said, his eyes twinkling. “How about if I, um, had a turn.”
“Cornholing?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he nodded.
Sighing, I looked at the clock. “OK, but we can’t take too long. My parents will be home soon.
Austin smiled happily. “See, you’re a nice guy. Everybody says so. You’re just a really nice guy.”
He’d been quiet long enough, I was afraid he was falling asleep on me. His cum slicked cock had softened and had almost slipped out of me. “We need to get dressed, now, Austin,” I said. My family could be back any time.”
He groaned and pushed up from me. “I was just getting comfortable.”
“I know. That’s what worried me,” I said, getting up. “Come here,” I said, motioning for him to follow me into Colin’s and my bathroom where I tossed him a washcloth. “Clean up real quick.”
He watched me clean myself, and did what I did. “Can we do this again soon?” he asked.
“I don’t know, Austin. I’m sorta interested in Daniel, you know,” I marveled at my own understatement.
He nodded. “Are you guys like, boyfriends or something?”
That struck me as odd, hearing it out loud. I mean, a guy having a boyfriend. But I liked the idea of Daniel being mine. And yeah, he was. I nodded. “Sorta.” And headed back into the bedroom.
Austin followed me. “Can I be like… your little brother?”
I chuckled. “Colin and I don’t do what we just did.”
“You ought to,” he said, grabbing up his shorts. “Colin’s really cute.”
“Yeah, right. I don’t think most brothers get into it like you and Ryan do. Besides, Colin doesn’t mess around with guys.”
Austin paused and looked at me. “You sure?”
I laughed, pulling my shirt on. “If you listen to Daniel, his dad says most guys mess around at our age, but I don’t think Colin has.”
Austin shrugged. “I was in a circle jerk with him on a campout last year. He’s got a nice cock like you.”
I paused. “A circle jerk? Like did you guys jack each other off?”
“Nah, we each jacked ourselves. But I’ve heard that he and Tommy do stuff.”
“Well,” I shrugged. “Don’t believe everything you hear.” Glancing at him, I realized that Austin had a speculative look on his face and I wondered for just a moment, if he might be thinking about going after Colin. But then I dismissed the idea; besides being straight, Colin didn’t take Austin very seriously.
When he left, he asked once more. “Can we do it again sometime?” I patted his back. “Yeah, maybe. I like talking to you Austin. You’re cool.”
He had turned to go, but then turned back and came close to me. “Can we,” he asked softly, “you know… one more time?”
I smiled and pulled him into my arms.
Colin’s team won that night and I tried to be happy for him. But I was seriously behind in homework now. And Austin had barely been out the door before I started feeling guilty again; like somehow, the way I felt about Daniel, and even more importantly, the way he felt about me, meant that I shouldn’t be screwing around with other guys; or keeping secrets from him. It had been bad enough before. Now it was even worse.
“Damn,” Colin fussed when he came into the room. “How many times did you jack off tonight? Man, you oughta open the window. It really smells bad in here.”
I ignored Colin, and was glad that Austin had left before my family got home.
Each time I saw Daniel the next day, I felt bad. The more I thought about what I’d done on the bus, and with Austin, the lousier I felt. I played poorly that night. My game was just good enough to not get bumped from my starting position, but my mind was far from the game.
I found Daniel in the stands. He waved. I waved back. I loved him, only him. I didn’t want to lose him.
Daniel and I went riding again on Saturday morning. The pants he had given me made a huge difference in how I felt, and even made a difference as to how well I could ride. We rode to a lake about eighteen miles from home.
The entire time, even as we chatted, I had a bottomless ache in my gut. I was certain that I’d never feel right about myself, and even more to the point, I wouldn’t feel natural around Daniel until I confessed to him. And if I didn’t, I figured sooner or later, somebody would say something and Daniel would find out about the bus ride, or that I’d screwed Austin. It crossed my mind that I could point out that he still messed with Austin and Ryan after we met, but he could say that it wasn’t the same. That was before our night together on the boat. And I didn’t want to take anything away from what that had meant. Besides, Dad always taught us that if you’re asking somebody to forgive you, never throw anything back at them.
Though I smiled and tried to think of other things as we rode and talked, inside I felt terrible, trying to think of what to say; hoping I wouldn’t lose him.
It was fall, and almost no one was at the lake. We found an isolated picnic table way back away from the water and in the shade of trees. When I lowered my bike, Daniel stepped up, wanting to kiss and embrace. My heart pounded as I kissed back, but it was not pounding with passion.
Breaking the kiss, I took Daniel’s hand and lead him to the picnic table. Once there I sat down on the table, my feet on the bench, and patted the table top beside me, indicating for Daniel to sit down. He looked at me, puzzled, but took the seat.
“I need to talk to you,” I explained, looking at him, then away.
“Something serious?” he asked with concern in his voice.
“Yeah. You might think so.”
He took my hand and held it in both of his, looking down at them. “Well,” I began, and told him the basics of what happened on the bus ride. By the time I was done, he was no longer holding my hand, or looking at me.
For a long time he was quiet. When he spoke, he was angry. “Have you ever thought about saying no?”
“It sorta just happened, you know. It’s hard once things get going,” I protested quietly.
“Yeah, something was hard,” he stood up and turned to face me, hands on his hips. “Sean, you fucking asshole. I told you it would be hard for me if you made love to Stefan. No, shut up,” he said as I started to open my mouth. “You’re gonna say it wasn’t making love, but I bet it was for Stefan.”
He fumed another moment, then, “And it doesn’t sound like you even thought about me, or what I had told you. Get your dick hard and you’ll fuck anything, you fucked up, ball-brained, dick head.”
I let him rant. He had every right. When he finally quieted, I took a deep breath, “That’s not all of it,” I said. I could feel him glare at me. “You know your cousin, Austin?”
“Shit,” was all he said, and waited.
I told him about Thursday night. When I finished, he quietly got up and walked away. I just sat on the table and sweated in the shade of the trees, and worried about losing him.
Long after Daniel disappeared toward the lake, I sat on the picnic table and finally started to cool down in the light afternoon breeze. My sweat dried, leaving my skin salty and I wondered how cold the lake would feel. But I would wait. As long as I stayed by Daniel’s bike, he wouldn’t be leaving without me.
And then he was walking toward me. I tried to read his face. He looked serious, but not angry. Without a word, he sat down on the table top beside me, and without looking at me, he put an arm around my shoulder and leaned the side of his head against mine.
“What’d you decide?” I asked.
“That I love you,” he said quietly. “You decide anything?”
“Yeah,” I said, putting my hand inside his thigh and pulling his leg against mine. “I decided I need you.” It sounded so clichéd, I wanted to explain. “Honestly, Dan. This whole gay, straight thing. It’s all different if you’re with me; sorta like we’re partners working through stuff together… ya know?”
He nodded. “Yeah. That’s how I feel. I know you aren’t sure whether you’re gay or bi or whatever, but I’m sure I’m gay. But it helps that we’re in it together. Of course,” he said, “you’ve got Stef.”
I shook my head. “It’s not the same and you know it.”
“He’s your best friend.”
“No,” I said. “Not any more.”
Daniel took his arm from my shoulder and buried his hands in his lap. “Look, I’m sorry about that. I mean, are you sure that you two aren’t still best friends? Because you and me, we’re…”
“Lovers,” I said. “That’s closer than best friends.”
He sighed and lay back across the table. “If we’re lovers,” he said, “we need to work through some things.”
I lay back beside him. “Like no messing around with anyone else?” I asked.
Daniel bit his lip and glanced sideways at me. “I’m a guy too,” he said. “Just now, when you were telling me what you did with those guys, even though I got mad as hell, I got a boner, too. I don’t know if I would have done differently. I know what it’s like when your dick gets hard.”
“What do you want us to do, then?” I asked.
Daniel smiled lopsidedly and stroked my damp hair back off my forehead. “When I’m with you, I couldn’t care less about anyone else.”
I laid my hand on his stomach. “Yeah, me, too.”
He rolled my way, throwing a leg over my middle and pressing the package of his bicycling shorts to my hip. He brushed my hair back from behind my ear and leaned forward to lick the damp roots with the tip of his tongue. I heard him take a deep breath through his nostrils.
“We’ll work it out,” He said softly and pushed his tongue into my ear and I shuddered. “Now tell me again,” he whispered, “what you did with Austin.”
It’s easy to be wise, looking back. That day, without thinking it through, the two of us allowed a level of tolerance in our relationship that we should never have.
On Sunday night, a strange obsession took me, and I told Daniel about it on Monday when we were eating lunch alone together at school. Bending close over the table, I told him. “Daniel,” I said. “We’ve made love on boats, on picnic tables, on cots, on the sand, even standing up. I want to make love to you in a bed; a real bed, Dan; one with sheets and blankets and pillows. I want to make real love to you, Daniel, all night long, no rushing.” I said emphatically, “Even if we have to rent a motel room.”
It was hard to explain, even to Daniel. Yet somehow I felt, if Daniel and I could spend a night making love in a real bed, we would consummate our relationship with something really genuine and not the off-the-cuff sexual encounters we had been limited to. It seemed terribly important to me for some reason.
Tuesday morning, when I got to school, Daniel pulled me aside. “Uncle James called last night,” he said. “You and I are invited to spend next weekend with them at the beach.” Daniel leaned back, looked up at the sky and smiled. “Now I wonder who gave him the idea to invite us.”
“Naw,” I said in mild disbelief. “Austin?”
“Yeah, probably.” Daniel looked back at me. “We don’t have to go. It might be hard to get time to ourselves.”
“Whatever you think,” I said.
“You love the beach,” he said, thinking aloud. “And even if Austin jumps in bed with us, you and I will be together.” He winked at me. “We can always ignore him.”
“Yeah, right. Ignore Austin? Fat chance.”
“There’s a chance,” he said, smiling gently, “that Jeremy will sleep with his brothers and you and I can have his room. We could finally get that night together in a bed that you’ve wanted.”
Students rushed past us as the first bell rang.
“What are you thinking?” Daniel asked with a smile.
“I was just wondering,” I said, “whether my boner is showing.”
Thursday night, Austin dropped by our house again, but my Mom was home. She thought he was looking for my brother and explained that Colin was at a game. Austin really did look disappointed, but I knew the disappointment wasn’t because Colin was at his game, but because my Mom wasn’t.
I walked him out. When we got outside, Austin acted like he wanted to do some “messing around” right there; leaning back into me, rubbing his butt across me. It was still light out and there was no easy place to do anything. Besides, I’d learned my lesson. Daniel and I had to be clear on things first.
We headed for Austin’s bike. “So you and Daniel are coming to the beach house this weekend?” he asked.
“Yeah. I’m really looking forward to it.” I said honestly.
“Me too,” Austin said emphatically. “I’m the one who told my Dad to ask you guys.”
“Thank you,” I said, trying to act surprised and grateful.
“Of course, Ryan really wants you to come too. He wants you to sleep in his bed with him. I told him that I already had dibs on you.”
“What about Jeremy?” I asked. “He can sleep with you, and Daniel and I can have the third bedroom.”
“Jeremy’s taking a friend,” Austin said with a smile. “Mom told them that they can have the extra bedroom.”
“Austin,” I said. “Daniel and I are going to sleep together, even if we have to sleep in the living room.”
Austin paused, then shrugged. “I can handle the living room.”
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