Date: Sat, 3 Mar 2001 17:58:47 +0200
From: satoriboy2000@yahoo.com
Subjects: Secrets Uncovered - Chapter 9

	Warning: The following story has homosexual content. If you are
offended or made uncomfortable by material concerning sexual relations
between consenting young men, then don't read. If it is in any way illegal
for you to be reading this, then don't. Otherwise please continue reading.

	'Dear Jase,

	 I'm not completely sure how to start this letter. To be honest - I
never thought I'd have to write it. But there are some things that I guess
you deserve to know.

 I know that I shouldn't lay this on you, but Jase, for some reason, I need
for you to know. It makes no difference now, obviously, but still - it's a
weird sense of closure that I need.

You were my best friend, Jase. And I loved you as my best friend. But ever
since I'd come to terms with myself being gay, I'd realised that it was
more than a love between friends. I was IN love with you, Jase.

I tried to get over it, tried to convince myself that I was wasting my time
because you weren't gay. I hid it - for a long time. But when I found out
that you WERE gay - it crushed me to see you with someone else. I can't
believe I'm saying this - I am so stupid for waiting so long, for not
seizing the opportunity when I could have. I tried to be happy for the two
of you, but every time I saw you two together, I imagined how much better
the two of us would be as a couple.

Everything that I had seemingly come to terms with fell apart at the
seams. I came out to my parents a few days after camp. My mom was okay with
it - my dad was another story. He beat me that night - harder than any I
could remember. At the time I didn't feel it though. My body had become
numb. It angered my dad that I wasn't reacting to him. He beat me until he
was too tired to carry on. I collapsed on my bathroom floor, shivering and
bleeding. I avoided all contact with any of my friends until the bruises
and cuts healed.

But it wasn't only my body that had become numb to everyone and everything
around me. My mind seemed to have shut down, my emotions dead. It was as
though I had reached my limit, and everything was downhill from there. The
days until my final day were unending streams of time - I didn't work
according to the clock. I simply existed. I didn't notice when one day
would end, and another would start.

And now I am sitting here writing you this letter. I have already written
one to my mom and to a few other people. I can't imagine what you must be
thinking or feeling right now. It's probably hard for you to understand or
empathise with what I've written. Always, always remember that the reason I
did this was not because of you. If anything, Jase, you gave me the
strength to go on as long as I did. But I need for you to know that this
was all that was left for me.

Until the day we meet again, my friend.

	"It is better to burn out than to fade away."

					- Kurt Cobain.

	Forever

	David.'


And it dawned on me. Everything came into place. The reason I'd never seen
David at the beach at camp - he was always covered in bruises and couldn't
be seen without his clothes on. The reason he'd been so depressed after
seeing Ricky and I together. Why I hadn't seen him since camp.

A tear rolled down my face and dropped onto the paper. Ricky stared at me
blankly. He hadn't read the note, but had somehow figured out what it was.

	"I'm gonna go, Jase. You need to be alone."
	"No," I said. "I need you now, more than ever."

I broke down into a flood of tears. Ricky hugged me tightly, and I cried
into his shoulder.  That's how we fell asleep.

I woke up early on Sunday morning. It was around 5am. I silently slid out
of bed, not waking Ricky, and walked out onto my balcony with a blanket
wrapped around me. I stared at the horizon, and watched the sky's colours
change as the sun began to rise. David was the first thing that entered my
mind. I got lost in a flood of thoughts and stared at the sun directly in
front of me, beaming down, lighting up the earth.

	'How can everything just carry on?!' I thought, screaming
inside. 'How can the world just go on like nothing has happened?!'

Again the tears came. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know
how I was going to get over this. And then I felt Ricky's warm arms wrap
around me. I knew that if I was going to get through this, it would be with
him.

	"I love you," I said, through my tears.
	"I love you too," he said.

That day was one of the longest I'd had in a while. Pretty much everyone
found out about David, one way or another. Ricky spent most of the day with
me, but went home in the afternoon. Even though I didn't really want him to
go, I needed to be alone.

The phone never stopped ringing the whole day. I told my mom to tell
everyone who called that I couldn't talk to them, but would call them
back. It irratated me that suddenly everyone in the world wanted to be my
friend because they heard about David.

I flopped down on my bed and stared at the ceiling for about 30
minutes. Just thinking. There was a knock at the door.

	"Hey," my mom said.
	"Hey," I said back, forcing a smile.
	"Dinner's ready," she said, sitting down next to me.
	"I'm not really hungry," I said.
	"Jase, you haven't eaten the whole day. Please come and eat
something."
	"I'll grab something later. Promise."
	"Ok," she said, and got up again, giving me a kiss on the
forehead. She left my room and closed the door behind her.

I was asleep within minutes. All the crying and everything that happened
during the day had exhausted me. I didn't want to fall asleep though -
because that would mean tomorrow would come.  And tomorrow was David's
funeral.


Comments or suggestions to satoriboy2000@yahoo.com

Satori.