Notice: The following account depicts homosexual acts between consenting persons and is intended for mature readers only. Exercise your own judgment in consultation with the appropriate laws and moral standards of your community in deciding whether or not to read this work. While this story depicts significant events in the lives of certain individuals readers are cautioned not to assume that their experiences are in any way representative of those of most homosexuals. Any connection between persons named herein and real persons living or dead is vigorously denied. Comments may be sent to email@example.com. This story may not be copied or distributed without the express written consent of the author. Copyright 2001 All Rights Reserved.
Chapter Ten. Loose Ends
The ties that bind.
It would be several months before I felt properly angryenragedover what had happened to me. And it would be a couple of years before I understood fully why that rage was so appropriate. I had become that which so many young gay men of my generation refuse to accept: a passive compliant isolated andmost dislikedvictimized homosexual. Plus I had supported the very structures guiding me into that mold. Even when the most tolerant person around Mr. Clements all but asked me to remain in the closet I agreed! Everything you can think of that signifies gay power things like community pride activism persistence insistence courageI was the opposite. Indeed the very term gay power had I known of it would have been an oxymoron to me. Instead I had learned gay weakness. But who were my role models? Why Matt of course and everything he represented. I wish there was someone who could have given me a positive image to cling to. I wish there was someone who could have told me of the likes of Henry Gerber Bayard Rustin or Barbara Gittingspeople who have done important things for the cause of freedom. I wish there had been some other picture in my mind of what it means to be gay in America than that of the bloody face of the boy I saw beat up in the hallway at school.
Not that that would have changed the outcome necessarily because events did seem to make for an intricate web of intention and coincidence. One thing that still bothered me at the time for example was the question of how Matt was able to convince Mark to stay quiet. I mean sure Matt went to Mark in order to protect Paul but why did Mark comply? Certainly it wasnt out of fear of retribution. Was it merely out of friendship with Matt such as it was? And would that really continue after all that happened? It seemed unlikely especially since Mr. Clements became privy to all this information. But I just know Matt wanted to be sure the deal he struck would stick. Paul and I holding up our end would not be a problem. But what did Matt have to do to compel Marks compliance? I resigned myself to not knowing the full answer and recalled only that Matt had a pretty good ability to control Mark as hed demonstrated from time to time. Some things just turn out a certain way and you never know why I thought. Maybe youre not meant to.
While I was recuperating at home my mom had to work of course and she wasnt able to stay with me during the day even though I couldnt do things for myself and really needed someone there to help me. Paul however volunteered to be my daytime nurse and happily his father eventually agreed. Its the least he could do Paul told his dad to make up in some small way for his role in bringing about my misery. Explaining the situation to my mom was a little more difficult but not impossible. She expected that Matt would want to see me and was puzzled that he hadnt. I had to explain to her that wed had an argument because Paul and I had become good friends and Matt was jealous about it and he just needed some alone time to come back around. It wasnt the truth but it wasnt a full lie and she was happy not to be leaving me by myself during the day.
A sense of duty was only part of the reason that Paul wanted to be with me. The other was that he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible in the remaining days I would be in town. During the week he came over about ten in the morning usually and left around three or four to go to baseball practice or a little later on nights his team had a game. On the weekends of which there were only two or three I didnt see him much at all. We spent a lot of our time talking hanging out watching TVanything that was easygoing and didnt require me to use my arms and hands. Paul also did everything my mom had to do for me when she was home like fix meals and help me eat help me bathe and get dressed and help me go to the bathroom. Probably the best thing he was able to do for me was give me a much-needed shave. His doing all this was awkward at first but necessity outweighed embarrassment and brought out the best side of Paul. Needless to say we got to know each other better then than in all the time wed been together during the previous year. In a strange way it was like we were living together content in the midst of this big dog world. Or at least I could pretend so. And the thought of that made me very very happy.
I sensed a new openness between us even on the very first day we were alone together. One day shortly after he started coming over Paul and I were in the kitchen getting ready for lunch. Basically he was fixing it and I was just waiting to eat it. We were having grilled cheese and tomato soup the kind of thing that is simple yet tastes good and that all teenage guys know how to make. We were quiet as Paul fried the sandwiches and I sat at the table and watched him while he worked. He had on a tee shirt and running shorts and nothing else and I was blown away for the ump-hundredth time by how beautiful he is. I couldnt take my eyes off his bare legs and feet. Nothing turns me on more than athletic thighs and well-defined calves and Paul certainly had them solid and proportioned. Immediately my mind pictured how hed use them to push himself into me his muscles taut and straining his weight heavy on top of me his arms holding me in place as he guided his raging cock into my...
There you go again Paul said looking straight at me.
Wha... What? I stammered jilted out of my reverie by the sound of his voice.
Youre undressing me with your eyes.
Paul was only playing with me but I was embarrassed at being so obvious and getting caught. I tried to feign innocence but my face was turning red. Who me? Im a good boy and good boys like me do no such thing!
Paul brought over the soup and sandwiches and put them on the table. Uh huh he said. Good boys like you just sit there thinking nothing but gee whats this? Looks like somebodys being bad and might need to be spanked. Paul reached over and tweaked the hard-on poking up into the front of my shorts. He winked. Dont think I dont know what comes to your head.
Ohhh I moaned. It had been so long for me that the touch of Pauls warm hand was almost enough to get me off. A shudder of aching pleasure went down my whole body from head to foot which Paul noticed.
Geez I guess its been a long time for you hasnt it? he asked.
I held up my casts. What do you think?
Paul smiled. Well seeing as how its my job to take care of you well just have to find a way to soothe all your aches and pains. I groaned again as Paul gave me firm squeeze. But first were going to eat.
Awww I whined.
With my encouragement Paul stuck a long spoon into the end of my right cast and in this way I was able to eat my soup. It worked so well that he stuck a fork in there when I was done with the soup and I used it to spear the pieces of sandwich piled on my plate. Paul sat across the table from me and as we ate he stuck out a leg and rubbed up and down against my bare calves. I stayed hard through the whole meal and it was driving me crazy.
You know you look a lot better from when I saw you in the hospital. Is there still a lot of pain?
A little I said. But Ive got pills left. Mostly stiffness though. Im just glad I can see out of both eyes now.
How long do you think theyll be black?
Maybe a month or so I think. I dont really know. Itll take awhile for the bruises to completely go away.
What about the casts?
Well the left one should come off soon maybe within five weeks I think. The right will stay on a little longer.
Youll be gone by then.
How are you going to drive?
My mom might be taking me. We havent really discussed it.
Oh he said. Can I ask you a question?
Yeah sure. What?
What do you think is going to happen... you know... to us?
I dont know. I wish things would stay like this forever.
What with me always taking care of you? he quipped.
Well you do a pretty good job I teased. But what I mean is I like being together like this. I enjoy spending time with you. I just wish we could spend more.
Paul stopped rubbing with his leg. I wish you werent leaving in a few weeks. I understand that you have to that even if you werent going to college its not safe for you to stay here but... Paul had gotten very serious and I knew something was bothering him.
But what Paul?
He looked down at his plate and half-heartedly played with a piece of sandwich. Very quietly he said I guess I wish I was going with you.
There was so much going through my mind not least of which was how much better Id feel and how much more clearly I could think if I could only get rid of the excruciating erection in my shorts. I mean its almost impossible to carry on a conversation with someone when all you want to do is spray your sperm all over everything. Yet that too was something I needed to think about. I mean this was the first time Id been with Paul that I was more concerned with getting myself off than with getting him off. It seemed to signal a change in my thinking about our relationship a change perhaps in the whole way he and I would relate to each other from now on. What had happened between us that I didnt automatically feel under his control? Why wasnt he exerting the kind of authority over me I had so wanted and grown accustomed to? Why didnt I feel like I really belonged to him anymore? Was it something in me or something in him that had changed?
But the thing that also struck me was Pauls desire to leave to get away. Somehow I felt he wasnt ready for that. Except for what bound me to Paul and my mom I was ready to sever all ties to this town. I felt I was in a position to strike out into the unknown because there was nothing left for me here. I could go and not look back and not feel any remorse about it. But Paul he had so much here that was still calling him. His parents for example. Especially his dad. And his friends. His baseball team. His schoolwork. His girlfriend. Every selfish impulse in me wanted to take him with me wanted to ignore the impossible and say Yes Paul I want you to go with me too but deep down I felt like there was more for him to do here. I was the one that was supposed to go because I was ready. He was the one who was supposed to stay. He was the one who belonged here at least for the time being. He was the one with too many loose ends.
Im going to miss you he continued.
Ill miss you too.
Because of whats happened this isnt the carefree happy place that it used to be to me. Without you I dont know what its going to be like.
Give it time Paul.
What do you mean?
I mean that once the school year starts and Kelly is back from summer vacation youll forget all about what happened this summer and stop feeling guilty about it. Its no use for you to wish you could go away with me because running away isnt going to change how you feel about what happened. Luckily you and Matt have managed to fix things so that nobody is going to know the truth but that doesnt mean you can just leave it all behind. You have to stay here and face the consequences. Youve got to stay here and face the life you were meant to lead.
What the fuck are you talking about Elliot? Paul said suddenly irritated. Youre saying two different things like I should forget everything and not forget anything. Well I have been facing the consequences! You dont know what its like for me at home now! You dont have to live with Matt and see his face every morning knowing what he did! You dont have to live with my parents and see their faces knowing what I did! And yeah I took the offer to fix things so that nobody would know the truth. But I did that for you as much as I did it for me you ungrateful prick. Its not that I feel guilty because I caused what happened to you. I feel guilty because I did things before that that hurt you in other ways and because I wasnt able to do anything to stop what happened. But at least I did something to keep it from happening again and keep all the prejudiced assholes in this town from ruining your sorry ass reputation!
I didnt know how to respond but I didnt get the chance. Paul stood up and kept yelling at me. At least you wont have to worry about that when you leave! Youre going to a place where nobody is going to know anything about you. Youre not going to have to go back to school wondering if Mark kept up his end of the deal. Youre not always thinking about what the guys on the team would do to you if they got wind of it. And youre not going to have to lie to your girlfriend when you break up with herlike I have every time so farby telling her things arent working out because of a difference in personality! Im sorry Kelly but I cant go out with you anymore because Id rather be having sex with Elliot. How the fuck do you think that would go over?
If anything good happened it was that my need for an orgasm was gone. Paul tore into me like he never had before and I realized how much I deserved it. I was acting like a self-righteous prick and Paul let me know it. When he was finished he didnt give me the chance to respond but stomped off into the family room. After a few minutes I followed and sat on the couch beside him.
Im sorry Paul. I was only thinking of myself. I should have been more aware of your feelings.
Paul was slumped over staring at his feet. Exhaling he wiped his face with his hands. Its okay. Neither one of us is perfect. Im sorry I yelled at you.
Can I hug you?
We held each other for a couple of minutes awkwardly because my casts wouldnt exactly go around Paul but silently so each of us could be alone with our thoughts. Then Paul spoke: Can I ask you something?
When you got mad at me at the prom you said its not what I did but what I wouldnt do that made you angry. What did you mean? Paul looked me straight in the eyes. I knew he knew what I had meant but he wanted to hear me say it just to be sure. This was it the crux of everything between us.
I wanted to be your boyfriend Paul. Not just a special friend not just a partner. Id thought all along that whatever girl you were with you and she were you know serious. I wanted us to be that way. I wanted us
You wanted us to have sex. Not what weve been doing but the real kind.
Yes. I wanted you to fuck me Paul. Finally I said what Id wanted to say for so many months feeling no reason not to say it as bluntly as possible. Ever since Id penetrated Paul with my fingers this wish was what lived at the center of my longing and desire what I fantasized about when my lust turned toward him. That he should subdue me force me down and take me that he should mount me like a dog that I should spread myself open for him as he plunged into me my hips rocking to match his grinding and awash in a penetrating pain as pleasurable as it was agonizingwere only a prelude to my yearning need to feel him plant his seed deep within me to feel him pump his cum into my guts to feel him achieve his release through my greatest service to him. It was with my whole body and not just my mouth that I now longed to worship him. And it was in the ultimate sense that I hoped hed want to possess me.
You still want to be my boyfriend? he asked.
Yes. I do.
You still want me to fuck you?
Yes. More than anything.
The moment made it seem so tantalizingly close and as I looked into Pauls eyes I thought it might be. But something there held back seemed unable to respond to what Id asked for. In fact a tear started to form in his left eye.
Its okay Paul. Whatever youre feeling right now I just want you to tell me. It wasnt okay but I still wanted to hear whatever Paul was thinking. This was the moment Id been waiting for and worrying about for weeks. He was silent for a little while then looked away from me and down into his lap.
I cant do it. Im sorry Elliot. I just cant do it.
His confession stung but it didnt surprise me. Why should I have expected anything different? Fucking mereally fucking mewould be the same as admitting being gay something Paul had so far refused to do. Sure he enjoyed the sex such as it was. But never had it developed to become a source of self-identification for him the way it had for me. Always the response was something like I dont know. I like the fact that you blow me and I like the fondling and kissing we do I even like jacking you off from time to time but I also like... The girlfriend. The public image saver. The psychological comfort zone. It occurred to me that Paul would never fuck me before he had the opportunity to have sex with Kelly or whatever girl was ready and willing. As long as the chance that heterosexual sex might turn out to be fulfilling Paul would never take the chance that gay sexreal gay sexmight actually be more so. It was too psychologically risky. The door to the gay life was wide open and Paul could see what was on the other side but he didnt want to take that dangerous step through it. The door to the straight life was still only cracked open and Paul wanted to have a better look around.
More important though was that Paul seemed to have lost interest in dominating me. I couldnt be his boyfriend but branded by his love I was still his willing servant still his dog if he wanted it. But he seemed unable to play master to my desires. He was treating me almost like an equal. With deference. With a regard for my feelings. With the expectation that I tend as well to his. Again the questions played through my mind. What had changed? Was it simply a tenderness at seeing me in my battered and bruised state that made him step so delicately? Was it his feelings of guilt? Or had the looming prospect of a long distance between us already brought it on?
I didnt expect you to say yes Paul and I certainly dont expect you to do it now. I just wanted to know what you think about it.
Im just not ready he said wiping away the tear in his eye. I dont know if I ever will be but at least I know Im not right now.
Do you remember what you said to me the last time we were together? You know when Matt discovered us?
Yes. Of course. I told you I loved you.
Did you mean it?
Do you still love me?
Yes. Of course.
But youre not ready to be gay. I let the statement hang in the air and I purposely avoided using the word he disliked so much. Paul didnt say anything but his silence signaled his consent. And there was really nothing more to say so we just held each other until it was time for Paul to leave.
Being in love and being gay. At once the thesis and antithesis of our existence for which we had found no synthesis. I wanted to say I understand. I wasnt really ready for it all either. I wanted to tell him I knew exactly the kind of anguish he was going through. Despite being in love to admit you are gaya fag I would have saidwas in light of the cultural background we grew up in to embrace your own inner shame and self-hatred. God knows I had done so. Just imagine how hard that would be for someone like Paul who had so much going for him and had been told all his life directly and indirectly that he was a model boy a successful product of the community that created him. And there was nobody there to help Paul break through such social oppression. Certainly not me as I was leaving soon and hadnt finished breaking through it myself. Certainly not his family none of whom could even begin to empathize with the kind of torture it would entail. Even his father so remarkably tolerant and about the only person around who might even begin to appreciate the depth of the problem had told me he preferred that his gay son werent. My heart ached for Paul. Aligned against him seemed a power beyond control.
I had faced it though not through any specific act of will. I had been overwhelmed and in Paul I had found a temporary sanity and a significant number of greater expectations. And in the end I had faced a different kind of trial. So though I had just experienced the single worst year of my life it was because Paul was in it also the best. Because of him I now had the chance to come to terms with what I was feeling inside. Would I be able to do as much for Paul? With my going away what comfort could Paul look forward to by taking the first steps alone? Certainly he wouldnt want to take them by himself. And I didnt expect him to. Nor did I want him to.
In short I wanted to say I share your pain. But we both knew all of this already and it needed no words to be felt between us. The currents flowing through our embrace were enough. Together at last we were more alone in the wide world than ever before.
Over the next three weeks or so Paul and I continued to spend as much time together as possible but much of my attention was turned toward getting ready to go to college. It was a long but cleansing process as I knew that when I left it would be for good. Paul was a great help in this helping me sort through my stuff designating what was essential what was still useful and what could be discarded. In that entire period there was no sex. Not even a hint of desire.
Between us though there was one more loose end to tie up before I left town. Paul had revealed the inner conflict he felt between his relationship with me and his relationship with Kelly. Not that I would have any say in how things would turn out between her and Paul when the Aaronsons returned from overseas but I did have a say in how Pauls relationship with her would affect what happened between me and him. In a perfect world I wanted to have Paul all to myself. Above all though I wanted him to be happy. And if she was to be the only good thing going in his life I wanted him to have her. Thats what I wanted to believe anyway.
As difficult as it was for me to say it I tried to make Paul realize this a few days before I was due to leave. What are you going to do about Kelly Paul? A big part of me couldnt believe I was saying this to him.
I dont know he said. Like I said I guess Ill break up with her.
But you still have feelings for her dont you? Thats what you told your dad.
Yeah I know.
Then why do you want to break up with her?
What do you mean? I thought youd want me to break up with her.
I want you to do what you want to do Paul.
All right fine. I want you to break up with her. I mean I do want to be your boyfriend Paul but since Im not going to be here I cant. That doesnt mean I dont want you to be happy though.
And if my being happy means dating Kelly you want me to do it?
Yesand thats not bullshit. It was occurring to me as well that his continuing to date Kelly would provide him with a measure of protection should any hint of what Mark had heard and seen get out and I wanted him to be safe as well as happy. Whatever feeling of jealousy Id otherwise have felt about Paul and Kelly was overpowered by my fear of what might happen. And when youve been through what Id been through youll compromise almost anything to feel protection again. Whatever his feelings for her having a girlfriend could prove useful.
I think youve gone crazy.
Maybe so but I mean what I say. Do what you have to do but dont feel like Im holding you to some promise you never made.
Meaning if you were staying here you would?
Meaning if I were staying here yes Id feel differently about the matter. But theres no point in thinking that way because its not going to happen. The way I see it life has to go on however it does and I at least want us to reach a mutually agreeable position on the matter.
Okay... Still Paul did not understand.
Meaning what I said. You never promised me anything and I understand that.
Nor you me he said. Now I was angry and I cut him a hard scowl. Okay okay. Cheap shot. Sorry.
Youre forgiven I said a little reluctantly. Paul just shook his head.
Ill never understand why youre so nice to me. After all thats happened after what Ive done...
Stop it Paul. You havent done anything to hurt me and anything that happened between us was because of something we both wanted. You and me.
He put his arm around me and with the opposite hand pulled my face up to meet his lips. The kiss was firm. Heartfelt. Bare and honest. Thanks he said. I could have died right there and been content.
I love you Paul.
I love you too Elliot. I always will. Youve given me so much and I promise someday Ill make it up to you.
I was about to respond when Pauls eyes lit up. I almost forgot! I have something for you! Before I could respond Paul bounded down the steps from my room and out the door. I looked out the window as he ran across the street to his own house and then emerged a few minutes later to come bounding back up the stairs. Here he said a little short of breath more from excitement than from the running. Its a photograph of me!
Paul handed me a five-by-seven frame with a picture mounted inside. It was a league photo of him posing in his baseball uniform. I am so thankful to have it to see always a moment of his youthful magnificence frozen in time. You can see the field behind him outfield toward the right infield to the left. He is crouched at first base hips pointing toward home his left knee planted firmly in the bag and his right coming up at an angle behind him. His left buttock rests on his left heel. His shoulders twist in toward the camera so you can see the number on the front of his jersey clearly. His left arm rests against the side of his body his hand spread across his left thigh. The right arm is raised up his hand gripping a Louisville Slugger resting gently on his right shoulder. His head topped with the team cap angles inward slightly more so than his shoulders and he is looking straight into the camera. He does not smile but his lips are firm and smooth. His skin is clear and blushed red in the light of the sun. His jaw bears the minutely perceptible shadow of his development toward manhood. He is strong confident cocky. His blue eyes are calm and full of fortitude and seem to present a direct challenge to the world. When I see that look I know instantly why Im attracted to him why I feel an inward pull and longing. He bears the kind of demeanor that makes you realize why we celebrate boys like him why we reverence them deep within our hearts.
Its so youll have something to remember me byso you wont forget me.
God almighty did he actually think that could ever be possible? Ill never forget you Paul. Even until the day I die.
We were standing near the door to my room where Id met him when he came back in. I eyed him hungrily. He took the photo and propped it up on my desk and then he turned back to face me with a look so feral so predatory that it nailed me to the wall. Never breaking eye contact I nodded my consent. He owned me again. So began a ritual as old as life and death.
Paul stepped back to me and pressed me against it with the weight of his body with an intensitya violence evenhed never shown before. I hooked my arms around his chest and met his forceful kiss with a shudder of sensation that ran from my crotch to the base of my skull. He leaned into me bracing himself with his left arm held against the wall over my head. With his right he lifted my left arm over his shoulder giving himself access to my body. Never once did he stop kissing me or allow his lips to break contact with my skin. His hand hunted under my shirt up and down my chest and abdomen before opening the buttons for better access. He twisted my nipples each one in turn as he chewed on my neck and the corner of my jaw just under my ear. The fierce determination of his attack and the deliberateness of his motions made me feel as never before ensnared in his lust and captured by his will. I was weak vulnerable and completely receptive to him.
With impressive deftness and speed Paul unfastened the front of my shorts letting them fall to the floor around my ankles and liberated the turgid rod in my underwear by forcing these too to the floor. With his hand he invited me to spread my thighs stroking them on the inside as far as he could reach. Then he slipped his hand behind me and cupped my buttocks kneading and probing as he continued to assault me above with his lips. Returning to the front with his hand he cradled my scrotum first grasping with his whole hand then pressing and rolling each testicle smoothly in his palm with his thumb. With the tips of his fingers he tweaked each oval mass in turn with a generous bundle of skin twisting and pulling until I vocalized a response in high pleading whimpers. The strain from his manipulation was painful sharply so but it only served to make me want him to go further to stretch the boundary of my willingness to let him use my body. And all the while he kissed my neck nibbled on my earlobes and whispered into my ear the words that said how much my capitulation pleased and excited him. He reached beneath my balls to probe me with his finger tracing a sharp exploratory line with his fingernail across my perineum to the ridge of my anal lips and back. And then he touched me finally where I needed to be touched taking the shaft of my cock in his strong grip stroking me firmly and deliberately up and down. Rough then smooth. Up and down. Pulling then pushing. Up and down. Stretching and mashing. Up and down. Delightfully painfully deliciously pleasingly delectably. Precum dripping past his fingers partly lubricating the steady massage. His lips brushing against my face his breath flowing on my skin. My eyelids slowly dying my mind draining away into darkness.
If not for the weight of Paul against me and my arm hooked over his shoulder I would have fallen to the floor. The strength and force of his body were overpowering and I was his to do with as he pleased. After working my cock in his hand for several minutes he suddenly frenched me with his tongue giving me a full dose of his saliva and hot breath. And then he broke contact with his lips and turned his face downward biting me firmly where my right shoulder met the side of my neck. The sensation of pain was so sudden as to be paralyzing. At the same time he lifted my cock and balls with his hand and jammed his knee up between my thighs so that I was straddling his leg. His knee was both resting against the wall and making contact at my perineum pushing my cock and balls forward and upward. His powerful quadriceps held the weight of my body while he pinned me down in the grip of his jaw. As he resumed his stroking grabbing hold of my erection like it was a handle I threw my head up and back as far as it would go making a loud thud against the wall and wailed some unhuman sound as if a fawn twisting in its final death throes caught in the merciless jaws of a lion. At the penultimate moment he released his teeth from my shoulder and bit me even harder just under the corner of my jawbone. I could feel his incisors digging into my skin and his tongue mashing into the skin of my cheek zealous and dripping. The strength of his bite forced my head into an awkward sideways angle and I heard a pop at the base of my skull. At the same time he pumped my cock quickly about ten times. Short frantic relentless brutal jabs. His fist cruelly excruciatingly pounding against my balls squeezing my shaft so hard I feared the skin on the head of my dick might burst. I thought I would scream again but my bodys natural response was smothered by the intensity of the sensation the exquisite blending of bliss and agony. When my orgasm ripped through me audibly erupting from the deep convulsing in my gut it was like the flesh of my body tearing open and my soul breaking forth ascending into the rising glory of a morning sun.
It was the first time my orgasm had ever preceded Pauls his gift to me and a fact that seemed significant even then. After Paul went home that afternoon I looked at the photograph for several minutes tracing my eyes over every feature every detail memorizing anew the physical attributes of the body I knew so well. He never before provided me such a plenitude of satisfaction. Earlier Id wanted Paul so badly after I came that I pushed his leg down sank to my knees and attacked his crotch with my mouth. With me gumming at the fabric of his shorts smearing my face with the strands of my own cum clinging to his clothes it took him only a few seconds to pull them off and drive his rigid flesh into my throat impaling me in an instant with his steel flesh. My head still wedged between him and the wall provided solid resistance against the taut muscles of his lower abdomen. The weight of him pushed my lips against the sharp edges of my teeth and had I not been so good by that time at controlling my gag reflex I probably would have choked violently. But he was already so hard and so close that he stabbed into my throat only about eight or nine times before he too emptied himself into me with blazing splendor plunging my esophagus with the solid lump of his cockhead vocalizing his release in a guttural roar pounding his fist against the wall. Only afterwards did we realize there was blood on my jaw from where he bit me and blood on his lower lip and chin. Paul licked the wound until it stopped bleeding. Then he kissed me penetrating my mouth with his tongue and I could taste myself in his saliva mixing with the remaining flavor of his cum. I was otherwise bruised swollen and soremy lips and throat as well as my testicles and penisso I knew I would feel the effects of this our last encounter for several days. What had motivated him to assail me the way he did I dont know but it was certainly the most extreme encounter wed experienced together. It proved that we were yet bound to each other that I was still Pauls good boy and he my master. Still hearing the triumphant sounds of his climax ringing in my ears I held the photo to my lips and kissed the image gazing back toward me. Paul Clements. My dream boy I said to the open air Ill always have you hoping with all my heart that it would be true.
The morning I left only Paul and my mom were on hand to see me off. After much debate it had been decided that I could drive myself on the long three-day journey I was taking especially after the doctor I was seeing agreed that it would be all right to remove the cast on my left arm and replace it with a smaller lighter one that still held my elbow and wrist in place but allowed me to grip things with my fingers. The right one stayed on but I didnt need my right hand much to drive as my car had an automatic transmission. In the end driving myself was the only practical solution as my mom couldnt get the time off work to take me and there would be the additional expense of her flying home. Plus it was the original arrangement that I had planned for so it wasnt like I would be unprepared.
My mom made quite a deal of reminding me this and that eliciting promises to call along the way and telling me how much she loved me and would miss me. Paul told me to be careful and asked me to write to him and send him my address as soon as I had one. By way of saying goodbye he took my shoulders in his hands and squeezed them. Had we been alone he would have kissed me and his eyes told me as much. I fingered the Band-Aid covering the tooth marks on my jawI had explained it to my mom by saying I cut myself trying to shaveand smiled. Thank you I told him. For everything.
I had a map a lunch and a carload of my gear. I wondered what happened to fags like me in the unknown world I was about to enter fearing the answer would be frightening. I wondered if I would ever meet anyone with an experience similar to my own mostly assuming I wouldnt. And I wondered if I would ever be at peace hoping for at least an equal chance as others had to find out. All I knew for sure was that I could never go back to the town of my childhood and expect anything I was acquainted with to remain familiar. An irreversible turn had been made with the terrible consequence that I had to prepare myself for the possibility of never seeing Paul again.
I launched my car onto the highway my foot heavy on the pedal and gazed down the long black strip of asphalt forcing a determined cut through the landscape all the way to the eastern horizon. One trajectory at least was predetermined. In the rearview mirror I caught the last glimpse of a now alien town one that had tolerated me as long as it didnt have to ask and as long as I was selfless enough not to tell. One that had silently tormented me through the long dark unfolding of my guilt and shame yet had unwittingly provided the boy who in a small but significant way saved me from it. One that had taught me with almost uncanny consistency that cruelty and kindness like two sides of the same coin are each one as likely to turn up as the other. The world ahead was unknown to me yet there it was spread out and awaiting discovery. A universe open to my exploration. Terra incognita. A blank space on my mental map. But like a man landing on the moon after a long and perilous voyage I saw that my real journey had just begun. One small step one giant leap I embarked on an odyssey of seemingly immeasurable proportion.
I was happy to leave home. Having cycled through the apogee of delight and the perigee of hatred I knew each one to its most potent extent. And the experience of so much rapture and the experience of so much anguish left behind something cold and lifeless something insensible and dormant within me.
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