Date: Mon, 06 Jan 2003 15:50:54 +0000 From: Riv Riv Subject: A Snowy Day Chapter 3 Happy 2003 people!! Wow, amazing how fast time goes by. 2003 is a big year for me, and I hope it's a great year for all of you too!! I just want to say, again, thanks to all of you who have written me about my story and given me encouragement to continue. It really is great to know that what I have done so far has meant something for you all. I have learned a great deal in the past two weeks just from writing this and talking with new people and making new friends, I think I've grown up a lot! hehe. Please feel free to drop me a line, even if you haven't done so before. I have to say though, today is my last day of vacation and school starts again tomorrow, so I may not be able to respond promptly, but I will definitely respond when I find the time!! Now, let's get on with the story... Snowy Day Chapter 3 When I closed the front door to my house, I had a terrible feeling of deja-vu. I had missed the school bus home because of the courtyard incident, and despite it being a sunny day outside, the snow was still there, and it was COLD. I came into the house shivering. I leaned against the door and went over the days events in my mind again. I sighed. "Rough last day of school?" I looked up to see Nick sitting at the top of the stairs. "Rough last two days." "So I've noticed." He started slowly coming down the stairs. "You keep sighing and everything. Ever since I've gotten back actually." Nick cocked his head to the side. "It isn't me is it?" He asked good naturedly. I managed a small grin. "Course it is!" I slugged him in the shoulder. Then I sighed again. "Nah, it's something else. But I don't feel like talking about it, so don't press me." I held up my hand in warning, telling him I meant what I said. Nick just nodded in response. I made my way into the living room, throwing my backpack carelessly onto an empty couch and plumped myself down in another. Well, there wasn't much I could do now. Winter vacation had started. Tonight was Christmas Eve, my grandparents were arriving, and staying for a week for that matter. Most likely by the time school rolled around again next year, I would have forgotten all about this. That was the thing though. I didn't think I was going to forget. Distractions are, by definition, distractions; they don't make things go away, they always come back. I was going to have to resolve this some time or another. In a way, the whole four years had been one great 'distraction.' I had never owned up to what had happened that night in Seventh grade. I had run away, hidden myself behind the security of my other friends. I had done a good job of it too. I had fooled myself for this long that everything in my life was all right, that I had done nothing wrong. I had forced myself to forget about Billy and to feel no emotion when others treated him badly. I shivered, remembering the first time I saw Billy being bullied. I had been walking down the hall with Miles when Billy came up the opposite way. I remember he tried to acknowledge us, but we both sort of shied away from him. Then, when we passed him, we heard the snickering behind us. I remember I turned around, and heard someone call Billy some names, and another guy walk up to him holding his crotch and saying something dirty. The whole scene was followed by laughter, and Billy running away from it all. I turned back around myself, feeling sick, and hurried towards my next class. Miles followed me silently. That lunch period had been the first, and last, we discussed Billy. He used to sit with us before everything had happened, and now he was in the far corner by himself. Miles had asked me what was wrong. Apparently he hadn't known about it yet. "Billy seems to be avoiding us," he had put in. "And the rest of you are avoiding him too. What's up with him?" I remember my answer clearly. And my choice of words and tone. "He's a fag." I hadn't dared to look Miles in the eye. "Sick really, to think I was best friends with him." I kept at it, in that soft voice I only used when I was very serious or very nervous. My hands had started getting sweaty, and I wasn't aware of what I was saying any more, just the fact that I desperately wanted to get away from this conversation. And yet, at the same time, I was enjoying putting Billy down, to be the one who had power for a change. My stomach was churning at the thought of what I was doing, but my mouth had a mind of its own by this time. "He came on to me, you know, I stayed over at his house over the weekend." I was getting more and more into this. "He tried to make me do stuff, but I got him off of me, and ran out of the house. Told Ken about it first, then the other guys at the park the next day. Guess the whole school knows now." I paused, sipping my orange juice for both effect and for my brain to catch up with what I had just said. When it finally did, I felt the juice coming back up. "Dude, this lunch." I pushed my tray away. The mucus was already in the back of my throat. "I need to go to the bathroom, see ya next period." With that I had run out of the cafeteria straight for the nearest toilet. Needless to say, I had thrown up. And cried afterward in that locked stall. I never made it to my next period. I just cried, wondering what I had done, and what would become of it all. None of my friends were evil, in the months to come we were never the ones to tease Billy. But we all learned to ignore him. Deep down, I think we were all scared of what the others would think if we still kept him in our circle despite all the talk going around about him. Kevin, one of the boarders in our group, had a gossip loving sister, whom I'm sure was responsible for telling half of the girl population. Then Ken was a jock even in middle school, and most likely some of the older, stupider, basketball players had overheard one of his conversations to someone else during practice. But none of this would have happened if I had kept my mouth shut in the first place. "Hey, bro, get your bag off the sofa." I brought my attention back to the present and saw Nick carrying in wrapped gifts to place beneath the tree. It was tradition in our household to keep the presents hidden somewhere until Christmas Eve. Mostly because when Nick and I had been smaller, we used to open them in secret and wrap them back up. "Why? You always used to leave your stuff anywhere you liked." I was sort of pissed, both at being interrupted from my thoughts and being told what to do by my brother. "Because," Nick drawled out the word as he put the gifts around the base of the tree. "I was the one who cleaned the house all day and I don't want your dirty bag," he picked up my backpack, "on any of the furniture." He then threw it out into the hall. "Hey! My CD player's in there." I jumped out of my couch to retrieve my bag. "Take it upstairs." "You'll make a great mom someday, Nick, you know that?" I quipped as I made my way up to my room. Once in my own domain, I threw my bag onto the ground again. I was about to fall back onto my bed to mope some more when I heard my brother calling my name. "What!?" I snapped, coming back downstairs. "Help me with this stuff, will ya?" Nick answered from beneath the tree. "Nick, I told you, I am not in a good mood." I answered, folding my arms across my chest. He got up onto his feet and dusted his hands off on his jeans. "Neither will I if you keep standing there like that." He challenged. "You know? You really are a jerk!" My emotions were beginning to boil up again. "It's been two days since you've arrived and you think you own the house again! You know? Maybe you ARE the problem I'm like this!" "What is the matter with you?" Nick's voice was rising as well. "The matter? I'll tell you what the matter is!" I stopped for a second. Well, no, he wasn't going to find out what the matter was. But still ... "I mean, the least you could do is ASK me what my problem was and try to make me FEEL better." "You told me not to ask!" "So? Sometimes people say things opposite to what they actually want!" "Okay." Nick sighed, trying to control his temper. "What is troubling you?" "Like I'll tell you now!" I shouted at him. "Fine!" Nick shouted back at me. "FINE!" "What are you two screaming about? I could hear it all the way from the garage?" Mom came walking in with huge bags of groceries. "Nick's just being the usual prick." I answered. "Jerk, I mean." Mom frowned at the choice of my words. "Thomas's just got PMS." Nick sneered back at me. I threw him a dirty look. "Well, I haven't heard this sort of conversation for half a year now." Mom was trying to look stern but her eyes gave her away. "It brings back memories." She then sobbed a little before running into the kitchen where we could hear tissues being used up. The tension in the room immediately dissolved as Nick and I looked at each other, embarrassed over our mom's reaction. "Umm... she's been like that ever since you left." I told him. "Misses the whole family being here, and I guess she's already thinking about when I leave for college and everything." "Unstable emotions." Nick said, gazing towards the kitchen. "Speaking of PMS..." "Nick, I DON'T want to think about that!" But it made me laugh, and soon we forgot what the argument had even been about. Dinner that night was amazing. Mom had been in the kitchen for well over two hours, and when Grandma and Grandpa arrived, greeted them with an apron around her waist. Like some movies from the fifties, where the good housewife is always in the kitchen. "We've never seen her with an apron before." Nick had assured my grandparents before getting whacked in the head by Mom. After dessert, which we normally don't have either, we all sat around the living room, talking about this and that. Most of the conversations had something to do with school though, and Nick got the most attention as he talked about his experiences at college. Much of what he talked about was new to me too, and I listened, fascinated. Angela didn't seem to share the same mutual interest that I had though, and she kept having her own conversations with Grandma. All too soon it became a quarter to midnight, and we all started heading off to bed. "Before Santa arrives!" Grandpa chipped in, to which we all groaned, my parents included. "What? I believe in him!" He puffed out his already protruding belly and fingered his moustache. I laughed. "Grandpa, if you are Santa, you have a very busy night ahead of you." "I know, which is why I need to get you youngsters in bed so I can be on my way!" We all shook our heads as we made our way upstairs. The following few days went by much faster than any school day I have ever been through. Christmas morning was the only morning I actually woke up before 9:00AM because Grandpa was so keen on finding what 'Santa had left us' under the Christmas tree. My gifts turned out pretty good, actually, including an MP3 player I had really wanted. Friday morning, though it was rather close to lunch time, I came downstairs to find Grandma and Grandpa all alone in the living room. Grandpa was watching the news on TV while Grandma was reading some book. "Where is everyone?" My means of a morning greeting. "Your parents are at work, and Nick and Angela both got called out by friends." Grandma answered good naturedly. "So, you're left to spend the day with us Thomas!" Grandpa turned off the TV and turned around. "How about that?" "Sounds good to me!" Truthfully, I had never really spent time alone with my grandparents before. And though it was not something I was prepared to do everyday, it sounded kind of fun. "What do you want to do dear?" Grandma asked me kindly. "I don't know. Did you have something planned?" "Well we gotta go find something to eat." Grandpa laughed. "All right. We can go to the mall then," I answered. "I know a good burger place there." "I was thinking more of that diner we went to a long time ago when we were here." Grandpa said thoughtfully. "Diner?" "Yeah, in the middle of town somewhere. Had great sandwiches." I didn't remember ever eating with my grandparents at a diner. "And they have that lovely little bookshop next door." Grandma added. From the sounds of it, plans had already been made even before I uttered my own thoughts. "All right, diner and bookstore it is." I answered. And we all got up to leave. The car ride into town was uneventful. It had been five years ago the last time my grandparents had visited us; every other year we went out to their house. Nothing much had changed during that time, much less in the area we were driving towards. I cringed inside as I remembered the last time I had gone along this road into town. The snow had mostly melted by now, with little lumps here and there where the snowplows had dumped their loads. Billy had always been popular, even back in grade school. And it wasn't because he was the one who always had the new toy or the new video game; his family wasn't that rich. It was because of his antics and the way he carried himself, full of confidence that others would always be there for him. He was a born leader. He always organized our games in the park, he always resolved fights between kids in our group, and he always had a devious smile that meant he was thinking of something none of us would ever dare do. I had always been close to him, I don't know why now. Out of all the guys that followed him around, he had chosen me to be his best friend; his side-kick. I felt proud of myself for this, but at the same time, I was jealous of Billy. Often times I imagined myself as the gang leader, telling others of my plans for the day, inventing new games to play in the park. All of this had dissolved after that weekend. I had never seen Billy look so alone, so lost. He had walked around school with his shoulders hunched, his eyes on the floor. When he saw me and Miles, his eyes had lit up with hope for a second, but I had dashed that hope of his by walking away. I wonder how others would have treated him if he had kept up his confidence that first day in school, despite all the whispering. Would others have still picked on him if he had walked in his usual self-assured manner? Would we have pushed him away from the group if he had come up to our table at lunch and sat in his usual seat as if nothing had happened? I thought back to that comment I had uttered that day at lunch, at that momentary satisfaction I had felt from putting Billy down, showing the world that he wasn't all that, that he did have faults. I remembered those eyes, those normally sparkling brown eyes, looking at me from across the lunch room before I made my hasty escape. The eyes lost their sparkle from that day, as I would have noticed them in the halls had they not. The car slowed down in front of the diner, and we found a place to park right outside of it. The street was mostly deserted. The few parked cars were probably those of the people who worked in the shops. I opened the car door and the cold air nipped at me, as if telling me to get back inside and head for the mall. I felt I was not welcome here. The past I had ignored for so long was not going to readily accept me back. "Hasn't changed a bit since last time we were here!" Grandpa stated happily. "Nope, it hasn't." I replied, looking up at the faded sign of the diner. Lunch was a lively affair, despite me quietly eating my burger. I actually enjoyed listening to Grandpa's talk of the "good ol' days" when diners such as these had been the favorite hangout for "youngsters like myself." It was pretty much empty, except for a few other elderly couples. But the laughter that echoed through the place made you think the place was close to being full. And the waitress was the nicest woman I had ever been served by. It made me wonder what the problem was with those who worked at restaurants at the mall, with plastered fake smiles and eyes that sized you up for tips. Afterward, we went two stores down to the bookshop that Grandma wanted to go to. A little bell tinkled as we opened the door and an elderly lady looked up from the counter to smile at us. Grandma immediately took a liking to her and they started talking like long lost friends. Grandpa in the meantime went over to the fishing section to check out some things of his own, and I was left to my own devices. I wandered over to the science fiction section and looked at some of the titles. It was so much smaller than the section at Barnes & Noble, and nothing was on sale. I quickly skimmed through them and went on to the mystery section, wondering how long Grandma was planning to spend here, when a door to the side of me opened and out came a familiar face. "Mrs. Jenkins, where should we put the new ... " Billy didn't finish his sentence as he saw me staring back at him. "What are you doing here?" I blurted out before I had a chance to stop myself. Billy's eyes narrowed. "What are YOU doing here?" He stood his ground, a pile of books in his arms. "My grandparents wanted to come here and I just followed them in." I answered, my voice softer now. Billy stared back for a second longer before replying himself. "I work here." "Oh." I suppose that was evident considering he just came through a door marked 'Employers Only.' "I need to get through." Billy stated matter of factly then, ending all hopes of a conversation. "Oh right, sorry." I moved up against a bookshelf and Billy squeezed through the other side. The hard edges of the books in his arms scraped across my chest as he made his way past me towards the counter at the front of the store. I had never known Billy worked. I wondered if he did after school or if it was only during vacation. It was a perfect location, actually. It was close from his house and no one from school was likely to find him here. Billy soon reappeared. I was blocking his path again into the back room. "Move." That was all Billy said as he looked me square in the eyes. However, this time I returned the stare, and slowly those brown eyes began to lose as they slid down towards the floor. "Billy, please, we need to talk." I finally was able to say. "Or at least, I need to talk, and I was hoping you would listen." "What is it?" Billy said weakly. "I need to apologize for what I did a long time ago," At these words of mine, Billy's eyes immediately shot back up, full of anger. "Please, let me say this. I beg of you." Billy kept his mouth shut, but his eyes were on me again, and I was the one losing nerve... again. "I... I was an ass for everything I did. Or rather, everything I didn't do. At the moment you needed me most I ran away from you. I was too scared to face what you had confessed to me, and I couldn't handle it. I had to let it out because I was too scared of what it all meant. I just felt that if I told someone else, the burden would be off of me. Which is true, the burden was off of me then, but it shouldn't have been. It was a burden I should have faced as your best friend, and a burden any other best friend would have triumphed over. I was scared of you though, scared that you had chosen me and I wouldn't be able to live up to your expectations as a friend. "I wanted to be your best friend, but at the same time I also knew how many others wanted my position, and I was jealous of that. All I had was you, but you had everyone. You could exchange me for anyone else any time you felt like it. What you told me that day freaked me out because I could see myself not being able to take it, and it scared me that I would lose your trust and friendship. I told others to save myself from being pushed away from you, and ultimately the group. I was a coward. I sacrificed you for myself." I stopped here, pausing for breath, wondering if what I had said had made any sense at all. I had a vague feeling I had repeated myself, that I had gone in circles. But Billy's answer confirmed that he had grasped everything I had said. And it sent shivers down my spine. "You are more of an asshole than I thought." I had never heard him talk in such a cold tone. "I don't know what I ever saw in you." I stood there stunned for a minute, then the hurt began to flow through me and I felt my tears well up. "Billy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for any of this to happen." "Get out of my way." His eyes were tearing up too. "Billy please." This was it. If he didn't want me back now, he would never want me back. Suddenly, he pushed my chest and shoved me into the bookshelf. I stood there, against the bookshelf, defeated. This was it. I prepared myself for the final words from Billy. "I loved you Thomas." His tears were running down his cheeks now, and he didn't try to wipe them away. "And a part of me still does, that's what hurts me most." His sudden confession turned everything around and I made the boldest move of my life up until that moment. I grabbed Billy and pulled him into a tight hug. At first he resisted; he tried pushing away from me, his fists gripping my arms. A couple books fell from the bookshelf as Billy desperately tried to leave my embrace, but, for once, I held on strong. Billy's resistance became less and less. Finally, he totally broke down, and hugged me back harder than I thought was possible. His face was buried into my shoulder as he cried like I had never seen him cry before, and I felt my own tears running freely down my face. I slowly moved my hands in circles on his back, trying to soothe him, but stopped when I realized I was still far from achieving a status worthy of doing so. I went back to just hugging him, holding him as long as he let me, showing him through my actions that I was sorry and asked him to give me a second chance. Billy's heaves slowly subsided and I felt the weight of his face lift up from my shoulder. I moved my own head away from Billy's shoulder until we were facing each other again, our faces inches apart. "Why, Thomas?" Billy asked in a whisper. His eyes asked me all the 'whys' to what I had put him through. "I don't know, I really don't." I said between sobs, still not over my own emotional breakdown. "I just didn't have the courage that you did and I gave in to the easy way out of everything." This time Billy hugged me and I was surprised at this show of affection from him. And despite everything, I felt warm inside, a feeling I hadn't felt and forgotten for all those years. It was the most pleasant feeling I could feel, and I felt content. I stopped my crying and melted in Billy's embrace. Finally though, Billy pulled back again. "I still haven't forgiven you." He stated, taking his arms from around me and letting them dangle at his sides again. "I know." The warmth had left again, and my body was craving for more, now that it remembered. "God, I still hate you, Thomas." Billy shook his head, trying to pull himself out of whatever daze he was in. "I really do, I feel like I wanna smash you into the bookshelf. Hurt you like you did me." "You can if you want to." I said in the same whisper. "No, I won't." Billy stopped swaying in frustration to look at me again. "I know now that it won't make me feel better afterward, it'll only eat away at me. Like ... like ... " Billy stared into my eyes again, searching for my answer. I guess he found it. "Like I guess all of this ate away at you." I nodded slightly. And that's when I saw it, though only for a brief moment, a smile. Billy's smile. It hurt me like a knife through my heart to think I had caused this smile to stray away from his face for this long. But it was still worth it to see it again. "Like I said though, I haven't forgiven you." Billy said again. "Don't know if I ever will." "I know things can't go back to the way they were." I summed up my strength to say this. "But I want it to start again from here, I want you back in my life. And I hope you still want me back in yours." There was silence again in the bookshop. I realized then I couldn't hear any voices from the counter. I wondered when Grandma and the old lady had stopped talking. "Are you free tomorrow?" Billy asked. "Huh?" I quickly recovered though and added, "Yeah, I'm free." "Come over to my house." Billy asked again. My heart began to pound at the prospect. "What... what will we do?" I ventured to ask. "After I beat the shit out of you," Billy paused here for effect, and I gulped. "In Playstation, we can just hang out." A grin began to creep across my face that I couldn't suppress. "This doesn't mean I forgive you though." Billy stated again. My grin slowly disappeared as I noticed Billy's stoic look. "I know." I replied again. "Good. See you at my house at eleven then." And then Billy disappeared behind the 'Employers Only' door. For the first time I felt better after talking to him than beforehand. I hope I can get Chapter 4 out in a week or so, a chapter a week seems like a pretty good pace. Hope this chapter was all right and goes along with the story as a whole! Thanks for reading! Riv