"He came over and stayed the
night, and seemed a little better until it
was time to go home again, and then he got all jittery," Derek replied.
"Did your mom go with you guys and talk to his parents?" I asked.
"Yeah, although it wasn't exactly a pleasant experience," he sighed.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, his parents did agree to let him come back home, but they
weren't
exactly friendly with my mom," he answered. "His mom and dad asked
how she could stand having 'the little faggot' staying in her house,
probably
molesting her two 'well-behaved' and 'upstanding' teenage sons."
I couldn't help but chuckle at that. Derek and Ben were hardly
well-behaved and upstanding. They both got into their
fair share of trouble at school, usually from pulling some kind of
practical joke. Of course, being twins, they loved switching places and
confusing the hell out of people (including me, several times). Then there was the
time that Derek's teacher wouldn't let him go to
the
bathroom during class, and he'd said, "I can't help it that I have a
heavy
flow and a wide-set vagina!"
Of course, that didn't come
close to Ben's personal feud with Sally "Big Ass" Bolero, the captain
of the cheerleading squad, who he convinced to buy a case of high
calorie snack bars that were usually given to starving children in
Africa, passing them off as diet food. Needless to say, that's how she
ended up with the nickname "Big Ass." No, the twins were definitely not
angels.
"Anyway," he continued, "they also ranted about how Maggie could
tolerate having two 'fags' living under her roof, doing unspeakable
things to
each other every night, right down the hall."
I laughed again. "I guess they don't know that Toby is gay, then."
"Actually, they know that Toby is gay. They think that you and him are together.
They
still think that Ryan is your typical, all-American, boy-next-door
jock,"
he said with a laugh.
"If only they knew," I sighed, with a chuckle.
"Yeah, tell me about it," he laughed. "Anyway, like I said,
they agreed to take him back, although they refused to un-ground him.
My mom
said that she wouldn't mind taking Mikey in for a while until his
parents had
time to settle down and think about things, but they weren't having any
of
that."
"Why do you think they took him back in the first place, after he
showed
up at our house that night?" I asked. That was something I'd been
wondering about for a while. It seemed strange that one phone call from
Maggie
could magically make them change their minds ... but
obviously things hadn't
gone exactly according to plan. He might have been back at home, but it
clearly wasn't a happy environment.
"They probably realized what kind of trouble they'd be in for throwing
their underage son out on the streets," he replied. "I always knew
they weren't very nice people, but I had no idea how bad it was until my mom
told me
how nasty they were when she was talking to them."
"Do you think he'll be ok?" I asked, before I realized how stupid a
question that probably was.
"Emotionally, no," he answered. "But I've never seen them get
violent with him before. When we asked him point blank
if they'd ever hit him,
he said the last time was when he got a spanking from his father when
he was
ten. So I don't think we have to worry about that. Although, maybe it
would be
better if they did hit him. At least then we could do something more
about
it."
"I saw him in just his undies not too long ago when he showed up at our
house, and I didn't see any bruises or other marks," I added. I really
wished we could get Mikey out of there, too, either to the twins' house
or here
with us. Unfortunately, it didn't appear as though it would be that
simple. It wasn't
fair that just because he wasn't being physically abused, he had to be
stuck
there with people who clearly didn't want him.
I told Ryan about the intervention with Mikey, and although he did seem
concerned about Mikey's well-being, he said that it was in the twins'
hands
now, and they would take care of it. I didn't think that was a
particularly
appropriate way of facing it. It was the responsibility of all of
us,
because we were all
Mikey's friends.
By the time I had finished talking things over with Derek and Ryan, I
was
feeling pretty bummed out and needed to get away from the house for a
while. I
decided that I would go hang out with Cody and maybe jam a little bit.
Playing
music always made me feel better, but I didn't think it would
help
to sit in
the house and play alone on my electric piano. I
needed to be around someone who could cheer me up,
and Cody was always good at doing that.
Before I left, I went to check on Toby. He looked even worse than
usual.
When I held his hand for a moment, it was clammy, and when I brushed my hand
against his
forehead, it felt like he had a fever. I almost decided to
forget
going over to Cody's, but Toby swore that he was fine and that it was
just the
effects of the chemotherapy. Nevertheless, before I headed out, I
emptied his
pail for him, wiped him down with a cool washcloth, and gave him a kiss
on the
forehead.
I also tried to get him to take a few sips of Gatorade, but he insisted
that he
wasn't thirsty. I was worried, but even though Ryan had been acting
funny ever
since Toby got sick, I figured that if something serious really did
happen, he
wouldn't just sit there ... at least, I hoped not. So with that, I
grabbed a
light jacket and headed out, although I couldn't help but feel a little
bit guilty
for leaving Toby's bedside.
I did end up feeling a lot better when I got to Cody's. I even managed
to laugh
when I walked in and found Tatyana wearing a hula skirt and coconut shells over her
breasts,
and Cody in nothing but a loincloth and
some kind of necklace that
appeared to be made out of sharks' teeth or
something. They told me that it
was "Hawaiian Night" at their house, and Tatyana’s nom
du jour was “Lady Mauna Loa.” Despite the
absurdity of it, though, Cody definitely looked hot in his loincloth,
with his bare, smooth chest
and
tummy.
Sick or not, Toby is being such an idiot for not wanting that
cuddled up
next to him every night! I thought to myself.
Before going downstairs to hang out with Cody and jam, I sat around and
drank
coconut juice with them and discussed what had been going on with Mikey
and
Toby. Even though I had Dr. Frazier to vent to when I needed it, it
felt good
to talk about it with someone different. And Tatyana certainly had a
unique way
of looking at things.
"You should feel very fortunate, Connor," she said in her thick
Russian accent.
"Why should I feel fortunate?" I asked, nonplussed. "Toby has a
potentially fatal illness, and Mikey's parents are just assholes and
are making
his life a living hell. Neither of them deserve what's happening to
them. It's
not fair."
"Everything happens for a reason," she said enigmatically. "You
have been presented with these situations to learn more about yourself.
You can
choose to either feel miserable and angry, or you can look for the
lessons that
are right in front of you."
"What
those lessons are is something that you will
discover in time,"
she replied. "In the meantime, focus on how lucky you are."
"I still don't get what you mean about me being 'fortunate' or
'lucky'," I said, starting to feel a little annoyed. "There's nothing
lucky about
any of this."
"Of course there is!" she exclaimed, with a dramatic wave of her
arms. "You are fortunate because you know that you have the ability to
completely and unconditionally love others with all of your heart. That
is
something that most people are unable to do. That is your gift, despite
what
you have been through in your life. You must treasure that gift, and
use it
well."
I wasn't exactly sure what she was getting at, but I just nodded and
smiled, hoping
that we could change the subject. Eventually, Cody and I finished our
coconut
juice and managed to break away from his mom and head downstairs. Cody
asked if
he could go back with me to see Toby when we were
finished, and it
killed me to have to tell him that it probably wouldn't be a good idea.
I could
tell that he was really disappointed.
We ended up playing a few songs together, although almost everything
had a
melancholy tone, starting with Annie Lennox's "Waiting in Vain," then
moving on to the Bee Gees' "I Started A Joke," Soul Asylum's
"Runaway Train," and Meat Loaf’s “Two Outta Three
Ain’t Bad." We then
played Fleetwood Mac's "Beautiful Child.” It was an
incredibly
beautiful song, with a very touching melody and lyric. I took the
lead vocal, and Cody sang the background vocals in a beautiful
falsetto.
Beautiful child, beautiful child
You are a beautiful child
And I am a fool once more
You fell in love when I was
only ten
The years disappeared
Much has gone by since then
I bite my lip, can you send me away
You touch, I have no choice
I have to stay, I had to stay
Sleepless child
There is so little time
Your eyes say yes
But you don't say yes
I wish that you were mine
You say it will be harder in
the morning
I wait for you to say, just go
Your hands held mine so few hours
And I'm not a child anymore …
Something about that song
touched me deeply, and I wasn't sure if maybe it had
something to do with Ryan and me, or possibly
Toby and Cody. I
hoped it was neither. I couldn't take much more of the depressing
music,
though, so I decided to head on out. I gave Cody a hug and a kiss on
the cheek
before leaving, and told him I would call him the next day and let him
know how
Toby was doing.
It was still pretty early when I left Cody's house, so I decided to
head over
to the mall to fill out the application for that job at the piano
store. In
spite of all of the crap that life had been throwing at me lately, that
job was
one thing I was looking forward to. The manager told me that the
application
was just a formality and hired me on the spot, although I wouldn't be
able to
start until school ended for the year, which was still a couple weeks
away.
My pay was to be mostly based on commission, meaning the more pianos I
was able
to sell, the more money I'd make. I wasn't sure how much of a salesman
I
would be, though, since I wasn't known for having very good people
skills. But
I wasn't doing it for the money. I needed something to do during the
summer,
and I knew I would enjoy hanging around pianos all day long. And if I
was
making some money on my own, I wouldn't feel like such a leech, just
taking the
check from Social Services every month. I needed to feel like I was
doing
something productive and not just mooching off of
Maggie.
And despite all of the drama over the past couple of days, I was
actually in a
pretty good mood as I headed home. Even the crowds of
people that I had to wade
through in the mall didn't seem to bother me as much as they usually
did.
When I
turned onto
our street, I was horrified to find an ambulance parked in front of the
house,
with its lights flashing. Could my worst nightmare possibly be coming
true?
When I ran into the
house, already in a state of panic, I saw the paramedics carrying Toby
down the
stairs on a stretcher. He looked absolutely horrible. Maggie didn't
look too
hot either. I had never seen her so
distraught.
"What's going on?" I asked her, not even trying to mask the fear in my voice.
"He's extremely dehydrated. He can't keep any fluids down, and he's got
a
very high fever. We're taking him to the hospital to run some tests and
see
what's going on. We need to get him hydrated as quickly as possible and
bring
his fever down, or he could be in serious trouble," she said.
"Is Toby going to be okay? Can I go with him to the hospital?" I
asked, nearing a state of total panic.
"The doctors are going to do everything they can for him, Connor,"
Maggie replied, trying to sound a little more reassuring. "And I think
it
would be better if you stayed here with Ryan for now until they get him
stabilized. He's been in and out of consciousness."
Oh, God! That did not sound good at all!
"Where is Ryan?" I asked.
"I think he's up in his room watching television or something,"
Maggie replied.
WHAT THE FUCK?! His brother is unconscious and
being taken to the hospital, and he's
watching
television in his room?!
As soon as the paramedics had Toby loaded into the ambulance and turned
on the
sirens, I bounded up the stairs to give Ryan a piece of my mind. I
loved him to
death, but this was his brother, and he needed to face whatever his
problem
was. I was going to put a stop to this insanity once and for all.
So I marched right up to Ryan's room ... well, our room. But
based on
the way he had been acting, I was starting to have second thoughts
about that.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" I shouted at him. I couldn't
remember ever being so angry at my boyfriend before, or yelling at him
like
that. But I was seriously agitated ... no, pissed would be a
better
word. This had been going on for too long.
"What're you talking about, Connor?" he asked, sounding almost as
peeved as I was.
"Your brother was just taken to the hospital, and you're sitting up
here
watching television and playing video games like nothing's wrong.
You've been
acting this way ever since Toby's leukemia came back, and it's not
right.
You're his fucking brother!" I shouted.
"Keep your voice down, Connor," he chided me. "You're
overreacting, as usual."
"The hell I am, Ryan. Something is wrong with you, and I want to know
what's
going on. You promised me that we would always talk about things, and
you're
just shutting everyone out of your life. And
it's got to stop," I
said, trying to bring my temper under control. Maybe that's what Dr.
Frazier
had meant when he was talking about my "anger issues." But fuck it
... I was angry!
"Quit being such a goddamn drama queen, Connor. Toby's just having a
reaction to his treatment. It's no big deal. And it's really starting
to
irritate me that you won't just let it go," he retorted angrily.
"He's my brother, not yours. So just let it go, and let us deal with
it.
It's none of your business anyway."
I couldn't believe he could say something so cruel to me. I was
absolutely
stunned. Sure, I had a tendency to get a little melodramatic at times,
and I
knew I was a worrywart, but for chrissakes, Toby was just taken away in
an
ambulance, and Maggie certainly didn't seem as calm about all of this
as Ryan appeared
to be.
"What happened to the sweet and caring boyfriend and brother that I
fell
in love with?" I asked, tears welling up in my eyes.
"Maybe you were just wrong about me," he said matter-of-factly, and
then went back to playing his video game.
I had no idea how to respond to something like that. I was completely
and
utterly flabbergasted. This was definitely not the Ryan I knew
or fell
in love with. And I needed to get out of there before I completely lost
it.
So without saying another word, I went to my room, grabbed some
clothes, and
stuffed them into my back pack. I then ran out of the house, got into my car, and
drove as
quickly as I could back to Cody's house. I knew he and his mom would
know what
to say. Unfortunately, no one was home when I got there.
The only other place I could think of to go was to Ben’s and Derek's
house.
It was already nearly eleven o'clock, but I was pretty sure they would
still be
awake, and I really had nowhere else to go. Before leaving Cody's
house,
however, I left a note on his front door and told him to call me on my
cell
phone -- which I'd finally figured out how to use -- as soon as he got
home. He
had a right to know what was going on with Toby.
"What's wrong? What're you doing here, Connor?" Ben asked worriedly
when he opened the door.
"Can I stay here tonight? I'm really sorry for coming over unannounced,
but some stuff happened," I said, trying my best to keep my emotions
under
control.
"Of course you can," he said, ushering me into the house.
I spent the next hour explaining to the twins about Ryan's behavior, from
the time we
found out about Toby's leukemia, to what happened tonight. It was a
relief to
get all of that off my chest, although it still
didn't really solve
anything. But after the evening’s jam with Cody, and the whole
fiasco with Toby and Ryan, I soon found myself totally exhausted, so
Ben and
Derek suggested we try to get some sleep, and said we could talk some
more
in the morning if we needed to.
They really were great friends. And for some weird reason, I kind of
liked the
idea of having straight friends. Spending so much time with Ryan, Toby,
Cody,
and Mikey, the whole "gay thing" got a little overwhelming sometimes.
Being with Ben and Derek was different.
Unfortunately, they slept on twin-sized bunk beds, but Ben invited me
to sleep
next to him, even though it would be a tight fit. On any other
occasion, I might
have felt a little awkward sleeping with Ben, since he'd definitely
given me
some mixed-signals before, and I knew I
wasn't very adept at controlling my
teenage hormones. Tonight, however, I needed to be
with someone. I
needed someone to hold me. And Ben was there. So I agreed without
hesitation.
We all stripped down to our underwear and climbed into bed. Within
minutes, I
heard the unmistakable sound of Derek's snoring coming from the top
bunk, and I
hoped that wouldn't prevent me from getting a decent night's sleep. I
was
totally wiped out. As I lay there thinking about everything that had
happened,
I felt Ben's arms wrap around me from behind, pulling me
into a tight
embrace, his face nuzzling into the nape of my neck.
"It's going to be okay, Connor," he said softly. "I agree that
Ryan's being an ass, and I just want you to know that both Derek and
I
will be here for
you."
"Thanks, Ben. That really means a lot," I said, unconsciously running
my fingers gently across his forearms. I felt so safe and relaxed in
his
embrace.
"You know, Connor, that day in the hospital when I kissed you ... well,
it
wasn't exactly just a joke," he said quietly.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I mean, I wanted to kiss you," he said.
Oh, Lord! Here we
go again! Was I some kind of irresistible sex object
for
every guy I became friends with? Ryan, Toby, and Cody were much hotter.
Why
would all these guys be so interested in kissing me? And I'd
definitely
had enough drama for one night. If Ben was hinting that he wanted to
kiss me
again, I was not going to go for it this time.
"I thought you were straight," I said.
"I am ... well, sort of," he admitted. "But I still find you
attractive, for some reason. Maybe I'm just a little curious."
"So what are you getting at?" I prodded. Actually, I had a pretty good
idea of what he was getting at, but I was hoping to avoid
it. Things were already
so messed up right now, and I didn't need to add to that.
"I guess I just wanted to try kissing you again ... but a real kiss
this
time. Just to see what it feels like," he said, rolling me over to
face him, our noses just centimeters apart. I could see the
almost pleading look in his eyes, and the scent of his peppermint
toothpaste
was tickling my nostrils.
No way. I was not going to fall into this trap again and end up kissing
another
one of my friends. I'd already learned my lesson with Toby and Cody,
and was
not about to make the same mistake again. Definitely not!
"Ok," I replied.
Huh? How in the hell did that slip out of my mouth? Dammit, Connor, get
a grip
on yourself! You’re becoming a
kissing whore!
"Ok?" he asked. "You mean you'll really let me kiss you?"
"If it's just a one-time thing and it's only to satisfy your curiosity,
then I guess it's okay. But I'm not a very good kisser, so I think
you'll
probably end up sticking with girls in the future," I said. At least, I
hoped that's what would happen. I'd come to the conclusion that having
too many
gay friends was not a good thing, because it always led to too much
sexual
tension and potential drama.
As silly as it may have sounded, I really wanted the twins to be
straight. I needed
them to be straight. That way, they could be
impartial when it
came to dealing with my problems, or problems between Ryan and me. If there were
underlying feelings, I might lose that sense of security that they
provided me.
But before I had time to finish thinking things through, Ben had
wrapped me up
in an even tighter embrace, and placed his lips gently on my mouth.
What began
as a very tentative, awkward kiss quickly turned more passionate, as
our
tongues found each other, becoming entangled together
in a feverish
battle, and our
hands began wandering along each others' smooth chests and kneading our underwear-clad
bottoms.
Ben was an even hotter kisser than I could have imagined, and his
embrace was so warm and comforting. I felt that spark that I
really didn't need to be
feeling right then. There was definitely something there, and I
couldn't let it
go any further, so I forced myself to break off the kiss, even though
the
throbbing erection in my undies apparently didn't like that idea. I was
sure to
have a serious case of blue balls!
"Wow, that was incredible," Ben gasped. "Guys are definitely
much better kissers than girls."
I had no idea about the accuracy of that statement, since I'd never
kissed a
girl,
only guys ... four of
them,
in less
than a year.
"Ben, please, we can't do this again. I'm going through so much right
now,
I just really need you to be my friend. Toby's sick, Ryan's acting all
weird
... I just really need you right now .... please!" I practically begged
him, trying to keep my voice a whisper so as not to wake up Derek.
"You're right, Connor. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even brought that up
... I don't know what I was thinking, doing that to you ... or
Ryan. I
promise I'll be here for you, and I'll keep myself under control," he
said. I could practically feel him blushing in the darkness.
After chatting quietly for a few more minutes, we finally fell asleep,
wrapped up
in each other's arms.
I woke up early on Sunday morning, and decided that I’d better go home to
face the
music. Ryan would undoubtedly be pissed off at my disappearance. He'd
be even
more pissed if he ever found out that Ben and I had kissed the night
before.
But then again, he'd been the one to push me away. I couldn't hide
forever,
though. Plus, I wanted to know what was going on with Toby.
"Where
the hell
were you last night, Connor?" Ryan scolded me as soon as I walked in
the
front door. "You had me worried senseless. Don't you ever do that
again!"
"Well, I got the impression that you really didn't care last night,
Ryan,
so I don't think it's any of your business. But I went and stayed at
Ben and
Derek's house for the night. I just needed to get away for a
little while," I said, barely able to suppress my
outrage.
"I'm sorry, Connor,” he said, this time in a
much softer voice.
“You
know I love you.
But I can't help feeling the way I do. I just think you're overreacting
about
everything. I've told you so many times that we've all been through
this
before, so you just need to trust us.”
He sounded sincere, much different from the way he had the
night before. But I
was still wondering if I knew the "real"
Ryan anymore. And
that was breaking my heart. We finally agreed to let things go for the
time
being, but I knew I wasn't going to keep my mouth shut if he started
acting
like an asshole again. I also decided not to say anything about the kiss
with
Ben last night, and hoped Ben would do the same. But before I
let
the issue of Toby drop entirely, I had to at least find out whether or
not
there had been any news.
"Did your
mom call last night?" I asked.
"Yeah,
she called about two hours after you ran off. She said they got him
stabilized,
but wouldn’t know more until later today," he said.
"I guess
we’ll have to wait then," I sighed, which just got a slight nod from
Ryan in
return.
As soon as I'd had my little
chat with Ryan, I called Cody to let him know what
was going on. He immediately wanted to go to the hospital to see Toby,
but I
told him that Maggie would call and let us know when it was okay to go
visit,
although I was on the verge of just going on over there myself anyway.
I hated
not knowing what was happening. It had been, like, twelve hours, and we’d only
gotten the one brief phone call. But I promised to call
Cody again when I heard something
more.
For the rest of the afternoon, we just lounged around the house,
watched some
television, and played catch out in the backyard. Every time Ryan threw
the
ball to me, it stung my hand, even though I was wearing a glove. I
could see
how he was doing so well on the baseball team. I was having a
difficult time concentrating, though, and nearly got beaned in the head
a few
times by the ball. I kept looking over at the portable phone that we
had set
out on the patio table, willing it to ring … but it didn’t seem to be
working.
Finally, the phone did ring, and I ran
faster than the Road Runner on crack to go
answer it. I knew that if it was someone other than Maggie on the other
end, I
would probably end up being rude out of sheer frustration. I needed to
know
that Toby was okay.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Hi, sweetie." I heard Maggie's familiar
voice. "I just
wanted to let you know that Toby's stabilized and awake. You and Ryan can
come
down to the hospital to see him."
Thank God! I thought to myself.
"Great, no problem! We'll be there in a few minutes," I replied, then
hung up the phone and nearly tripped over myself, running into the
house to get
my car keys.
We ended up getting to the hospital about thirty minutes later. Ryan
had taken
a lot longer getting ready than I would have liked, but at least Maggie
had
said Toby was okay now, so that helped keep my emotions in check ...
somewhat.
As we walked in the front door of the hospital, my nostrils were stung
with the
strong smell of disinfectant, and that familiar odor immediately
conjured up a
flood of memories. I quickly brushed them aside, though, as I saw
Maggie
walking briskly towards us, looking unusually tired and haggard.
After giving Ryan and me quick hugs,
she led us up to the third floor where
Toby had a private room. I was sure that was one of the perks of being
the kid
of a doctor at the hospital. It was a pretty nice room, too, with its
own
bathroom and shower, a television, a couple comfy-looking chairs, and a
cot
folded up in the corner, obviously kept there in case a relative wanted
to stay
over. I actually felt a little chagrined that the hospital room I
stayed in
hadn't been that nice. I just had cheap, plastic chairs and no cot. Pssht!
Unfortunately, the room's sole occupant didn't look too hot. I suppose
I
thought that when Maggie said Toby was "okay," that meant that when
we got there, he'd be sitting up in bed playing on his Gameboy or
something,
smiling and joking around as usual. But although his eyes were open, he
fit the
definition of "death warmed over" to a T.
He had an IV in his arm, a bunch of
wires attached to his chest
-- which were connected to some kind of moniitor that was beeping
rhythmically
-- and
tubes stuck up his nose. He looked very pale and weak, and if I hadn't
known it
was Toby beforehand, I might not have recognized him. There was no
gleam in his
eyes, no dimples visible on his cheeks, his hair was matted down to his
forehead with sweat, and he just looked ... defeated.
As we walked toward his bed, Toby slowly turned his head to look at us.
"Hey, guys," he said hoarsely.
"Hey, Toby, how're you feeling?" I asked. I was trying hard not to show
my dismay
at
the way he
appeared. I was sure that if given enough
reason, he'd worry about me more than himself, but he needed to focus
on
getting better, not on his nut-job foster brother.
"Well, I'm still here, aren't I?" he said, managing a slight grin.
"So, what's the deal?" Ryan asked, turning to look at his mom.
"Well, he was extremely dehydrated and couldn't keep anything down at
all,
so we're having to give him fluids through an IV. He also had a
dangerously
high fever -- almost 104 degrees. We've managed to get it down a
little, but
it's still pretty high," Maggie said. She looked like she hadn't gotten
much sleep over the past twenty-four hours.
"It's just a bad reaction to his chemo treatments, right?" Ryan
asked.
"Most likely," Maggie answered. "But his doctors still aren't
totally sure. He's never had this bad of a reaction before. But he's
awake
again now, which is a good sign."
Ryan chewed nervously on his lower lip. For the first time since Toby's
leukemia had come back, he actually looked a little worried.
"Hello! I'm right here," said Toby weakly. "You can start
talking about me behind my back when I'm dead, which I'm not yet. Damn
rude
people!"
Maggie and Ryan both chuckled, but I wasn't happy with his assertion
that he
wasn't dead "yet." I walked over to the bed and sat down next to
Toby, taking his hand in mine. It felt cold and clammy, but feeling him
squeeze
my hand somehow comforted me.
"Don't you dare leave me, Toby," I said to him, fighting hard to hold
back my tears.
He managed a small smile. "I wasn't planning on it."
Eventually, Maggie got called away to see a patient, so the three of us
were
left alone together. It was creepy being back in the hospital again for
the
first time since I'd been put there by that man. Since Toby
didn't feel
up to talking, and Ryan hadn't said anything since he asked Maggie what
was
wrong with Toby, we just sat around watching re-runs of Little
House on the Prairie and The
Dukes of
Hazzard. Every so often, a nurse
came into the room and stuck a
thermometer in Toby's ear, checked his blood pressure, and wrote some
numbers down
on his chart.
After a couple hours of that, I had to take a dump, so I excused myself
before
I started stinking up the whole room with my gaseous emissions, which
always
closely preceded a movement of my bowels. It was a good twenty minutes
later
when I got back to the room, and I was pleasantly surprised to
see
Ryan sitting next to Toby on the bed, wiping away some of the sweat
with a
washcloth. They weren't talking, but I noticed that they were doing
that silent
communication thing with their eyes, and a huge wave of relief swept
over me.
My moment of happiness was quickly shattered, however, when none other
than the
spawn of Satan herself, Nurse Gertrude, barged into the room.
"Toby McCormack, it's time for your enema," she barked.
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, though, she noticed me
standing
there, giving her my glare of death. It probably wasn't as intimidating
as I'd
hoped it would be, since Ryan always said I just looked constipated
when I
tried to look angry.
"It's you!" she practically
shouted at me, looking both startled and angry. Obviously, I’d made
as much of an impression on her as she had on me, since I doubted that
she
remembered every patient she’d ever seen.
"Biiiiiiitch!" I retorted immediately. I could feel the blood rushing
to my face. My nemesis had returned, and this time I wasn't laid up in
a
hospital bed. I was ready to snatch the enema tube right out of her
hand and
strangle her with it.
Ryan quickly jumped off the bed and came between us.
"Maybe you could just come back later to do that," he said to the
nurse, attempting to placate her.
"No, she won't do it later," I growled. "She's not getting
anywhere near Toby."
"Fine then," she said, tossing the enema supplies at me. "You do
it."
She turned
and marched
out of the room, slamming the door behind her. So much for
the strangling I
was hoping to give her, but I did feel a slight sense of pride as I
realized
that I had managed a small victory in driving her away.
But despite how much I loved Toby, and how cute his ass was, I was not
about to
give him an enema. From the way Ryan was warily
eyeing the plastic tube and
enema bag that I was holding, he wasn't too keen on the idea either.
So, I just
put them aside, figuring that if it was
really necessary, Maggie could do it later.
Maggie returned at around eight o'clock and told Ryan and me that it was
time to
go home. I objected, of course, and demanded that we be allowed to
stay. There
was that fold-up cot in the corner, after all. Plus, I wanted to be
close by in
case anything happened. But a stern look from Maggie, and a reminder
that we
had school the next day, got my butt moving.
The drive back home was silent, and as soon as I got in the door, I
went to
call Cody and let him know what was going on. He really wanted to go
see Toby,
but I knew how Toby would feel about that, so I lied to Cody --
something I
felt absolutely terrible about -- and told him that they were only
allowing
family members to visit. I could tell by the tone in his voice that he
was
disappointed, but I didn't know what else I could do.
Things between Toby
and Cody had definitely been going downhill ever since Toby's
diagnosis, and
for no good reason other than Toby not wanting his boyfriend to see him
sick.
It didn't make any sense. I hadn’t pushed anyone away
when I
was in the hospital. If anything, I wanted them to be closer.
After I got off the phone with Cody, I also called the twins to let
them know
what was happening. They were
equally worried about Toby, but I tried to
reassure them that he was okay --
although that was a difficult
task, since I wasn't so sure of that myself. I wanted to call Mikey,
too, but I
was afraid of what would happen if one of his parents answered the
phone. Based
on my earlier conversation with Derek, I knew what they thought of my
"deviant behavior," even though they thought that it was Toby I was
being
"deviant" with. I figured I could just fill Mikey in the next day
at
school.
Ryan and I didn't say much as we got ready for bed. There were so many
things
on my mind, so many things I wanted to talk to him about. But I was
scared.
Lately, I felt like I couldn't share what I was feeling with him,
afraid that
he would get defensive or upset. So I just kept my mouth shut and got
into bed,
feeling only slightly reassured when he wrapped his arms around me and
we
drifted off to sleep.
I was not happy that Maggie
made Ryan and me go to school
on Monday. I wanted
to stay at the hospital with Toby. It's not like I'd even be able to
pay
attention in any of my classes, so what was the point?
As expected, I wasn't able to concentrate on my school work.
Fortunately, since
the school year was almost over, most of our teachers were just
reviewing for
final exams, and some of those were take-home exams, anyway. I wasn't
worried
about my grades at all. I was concerned about Ryan's and
Toby's
grades, though, especially since Toby had been missing quite a bit of
school
and wasn't really in any condition to be working on his homework while
he was
in the hospital. So far, his grades had been pretty good, so I was
hoping that
we could find some kind of solution to keep him out of summer school.
The fact that my mind was obviously elsewhere during school didn't go
unnoticed
by our friends, either. They all knew about Toby, and I'm sure they
realized
how hard I was taking it. They tried to comfort both Ryan and me, but Ryan
still
swore that he was fine and didn't need any comforting. Delcondris tried
to get
me to go over to his house after school and work out
with him to burn
off some steam, but I had to get back to the hospital to see Toby, so I
politely declined.
As soon as the final bell of the day rang, I bolted out of the school,
got into my car, and headed right for the hospital, with Ryan following along in his
own
car. When we got there, I was relieved to see that Toby
was awake
and bitching about the crappy television shows. But we had only been there for a
few
minutes when the door suddenly opened, and a distraught-looking Cody
walked
into the room.
"Uh ... hi, Cody," I stammered. "What're you doing here?"
Well, duh! He was obviously there to see his boyfriend!
"I need to talk to you, Toby," he said in a determined voice,
ignoring my question, and looking right at his boyfriend ... or at
least I
hoped they were still boyfriends.
"Ummm ... Ry, I'm kinda hungry. How about we go check out the
cafeteria?
The hamburgers down there looked somewhat edible," I suggested.
"Sure," he agreed, putting down the copy of Sports Illustrated
he had been reading, and walking out of the room with me.
I wasn't really hungry, but I figured Toby and Cody needed to talk ...
especially Cody. Maybe Toby wasn't in a very good condition to be
dealing with
this kind of emotional stress, but I wasn't about to throw my friend
out of the
room. So whatever was going on between them, it looked like it was going to get some
kind of
resolution today ... if we were lucky.
Ryan and I ended up walking all around the hospital, hitting the gift
shop,
and grabbing a soda in the cafeteria. We even stopped by the
maternity
ward to look at the newborn babies. I'd never really thought about it
before,
and obviously I was still way too young, but seeing those new little
lives
lying there, so pure and innocent, I hoped that one day I would be able
to have
one of my own. And I would treat him or her like a little prince or
princess. I
would not turn out like my mother had.
Eventually, we headed back to Toby's
room, figuring Toby and Cody had had
ample time to talk about whatever it was they needed to get off their
chests.
As we walked into the room, I saw Cody sitting in a chair next to the
bed, his
head laid down near Toby, who was gently stroking Cody's hair. And Cody
was
obviously upset. I could clearly see his tear-stained cheeks and the
sound of
sniffles. I could only guess at what had happened.
As soon as Cody noticed Ryan and me, he quickly
stood up, wiped the
stray tears away from his eyes, and walked out of the room. He didn't
look
angry ... just hurt. Toby didn't look to be in much better shape
either, and I
figured it wasn't a good idea to interrogate him about what had
happened. Even
though I was curious, I had learned to develop a slight amount of tact.
We ended up staying until about eight o'clock that evening before
Maggie sent
us home ... again. I didn't have any homework that night, so I left
Ryan to
study for his upcoming finals and sat down at my Wurlitzer
piano,
to try to get my mind off
of things. The one song that came to mind immediately was Elton John's
"Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word."
The next day after school, we returned to the hospital again. This
time, though,
Toby was looking worse, and Maggie was checking his vital signs as we
walked
into the room.
"Is everything alright?" I asked, starting to get worried again.
"His fever's back up," she replied matter-of-factly. "The
fever-reducing medication we had him on doesn't seem to be doing the
trick
anymore."
"So what does that mean?" I prodded, getting more and
more nervous by the second.
"It means that we're going to have to try something else and hope that
it
works. If his temperature gets over a hundred and four, he could be in
some
trouble," she sighed.
Over the past few weeks, I hadn't really thought about how difficult
all of
this had to be on Maggie. Not only was she trying to take care of three
sons
now, but one of them was on chemotherapy, gravely ill,
plus she was
maintaining her own hectic work schedule. I'd felt that she hadn’t handled the Mikey
"situation" as well as she could have, but in light of everything
else that had been going on, I could see why. Now I had to add yet
another
person to my list of worries.
We didn't stay long that afternoon, because Toby was obviously in need of rest, and he
was
pretty out of it anyway. So, after wiping down his forehead with a cool
washcloth and giving him a soft kiss on the cheek, I headed
back home with
Ryan.
If I
had been worried before, I was even more worried now.
When we got home, Ryan continued studying for his finals, and I went
back to my
piano to try to find some solace amidst all of the suffering that was
going on
around me. I wanted to call Cody and talk to him, but I couldn't bring
myself
to do it. I didn't even feel like calling the twins. I just wanted to
be by
myself for a while.
That night as Ryan and I got into bed, though, I couldn't hold back my
feelings
anymore. I had to talk to him.
"Are you feeling any different now, Ry?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" he responded.
"I mean, are you as worried about Toby now as I am?"
"Jesus, Connor. I thought we'd talked about this before. Yes, I'm
worried
that he's sick, but he's in the hospital now, and they know what
they're doing. He'll be fine. Please, just let it drop. I've got my
last
baseball game of the season coming up this weekend, and I need to
finish
studying for my finals. So please just lay off," he said, sounding
extremely
exasperated.
"Ryan, please stop doing this. I don't know what's going on with you.
The
way you've been acting towards Toby and Mikey ... it's just not like
you.
Please tell me what's going on in your head ... I'm really worried
about you.
Please, Ryan, just talk to me," I pleaded.
"I told you to drop it, Connor," he said sharply, then turned away
from me, facing the wall.
Even though I was in bed with my boyfriend, like I had been every night
for
months, I had never felt so
alone as I did right then. And I felt
like my heart was going to break into a million pieces. I needed him,
and it
was obvious that he needed someone. The first day we had gone
to see
Toby at the hospital, things had seemed to be
looking up, but now I wasn't so sure
anymore.
After tossing and turning for an hour or so, I eventually fell asleep,
once
again aided by my medication. I wouldn't have been able to get any rest
otherwise.
The next thing I was aware of was the sound
of the phone ringing. As I looked over
at the alarm clock, I saw that it was only four-thirty in the
morning. Who in the hell would be calling this early?
"Hello?" I answered the phone groggily.
"Connor, it's Maggie. You and Ryan need to get down to the hospital
right
away. It's serious."
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