by LittleBuddhaTW
Special thanks to Kitty (PiscesRising) and Sharon (Sat8997) for editing!
Disclaimer:
This is a story involving teenage gay males and may include sexually explicit content, adult language, and/or violence. If this kind of material is offensive to you, you are under the age of 18, or is illegal in the area where you live, do not read any further.
Other stories by LittleBuddhaTW: "Seeking Nirvana" and "A Free Man In Paris"
CHAPTER
24: I WANT LOVE
Yes, those were definitely slurping sounds I was hearing coming from Toby's room, and since Cody had come over just twenty minutes before, I had no doubt who was involved in making those sounds. It seemed like someone had an excess saliva problem, though.
Now, I typically wasn't one for eavesdropping, but when it came to what was going on between Toby and Cody, my curiosity got the best of me. Hence, I had pilfered one of Maggie's stethoscopes and was now standing with my ear pressed up against Toby's bedroom door -- well, more like it was the stethoscope pressed up against the door. But it kind of made me feel like James Bond, which was cool. I didn't really need it, however, as they weren't making that much of an effort to keep things quiet. They may not have even realized I was at home. And since I hadn't been getting any for a while, I had to live out my sex life vicariously through others -- and at the moment, those "others" happened to be Toby and Cody.
"Put it in," I heard Toby whine. "Hurry up."
That was odd. I'd never heard Toby whine before. And put what in where?
"Since when have you wanted to try being a bottom?" Cody asked.
"I never said I didn't like it. I just prefer being a top, I guess," Toby replied. "But I want to show you how much I like you. No, I mean, love you. And I want to show you, not just say it. That's the only way I can think of."
"You love me?" Cody asked. From the way his voice cracked when he asked that, he seemed to be quite taken aback. Cody wasn't the type to be caught off guard, but apparently he hadn't been expecting Toby to say that. In fact, neither had I. But of all the people I knew and cared about, there wasn't anyone who deserved to hear those words more than Cody.
It also reminded me how much I missed hearing them. Those three simple words -- "I love you" -- could be so powerful. Unfortunately, it seemed like many people just threw those words around carelessly. So, sometimes, saying them wasn't enough. Even at his young age, Toby seemed to know this instinctively. He had always been one to show love, not just say it.
"Yeah, I do," Toby replied. I was surprised at the conviction in his voice.
"What about Connor? Do you love him, too?" Cody prodded.
"It's not like that, Cody. I don't feel that way about him anymore. I want you to be my boyfriend. Please believe me," Toby pleaded.
"No, that's not what I meant," Cody interjected. "I want you to love Connor. I love him, too."
That certainly perked my ears up. How did they go from having sex to discussing their feelings for me? I was certainly intrigued, though.
"Of course I love Connor," Toby stated. "He's been a better brother to me lately than Ryan. He's probably the greatest thing that's happened to me over the past year. And it's hard to hate Ryan, even though he's been acting like a dick, because without him, Connor never would have come into our lives."
"Yeah, Ryan's the one who basically forced Connor to start hanging out with me, too," Cody agreed, with a chuckle. "It's amazing to see how much Connor's changed over the past few months, especially considering everything he's been through. I know he thinks I'm spiritually balanced and all, but I don't think I could have handled everything he's had to face. Sometimes, when I think about it, I just want to scream. It's not fair that anyone, especially someone as gentle and sweet as Connor, should ever have to deal with that."
It was a bit strange hearing those kinds of things from Toby and Cody. Sure, they'd said things like that before, but it's a totally different feeling when someone says something when they don't realize that you're listening. But anyway, they were right -- about Ryan, that is. I hadn't thought about that since we'd broken up. Maybe I should have. If it hadn't been for Ryan, I would never have had people in my life like Toby, Cody, and the twins. As for everything I'd been through, Ryan had been one of the main reasons that I'd survived. Thinking about that, it was difficult to hate him.
"What do you think about Connor and Ben?" Toby asked.
Hmmm ... I definitely want to hear what they think about that, I thought to myself.
"I think it's great," Cody began. "I don't know if it'll turn into something serious or not, but I think it's good that Connor is at least willing to try. I just hope he'll be happy. I don't think Ben will hurt him, but then again, I never would have thought Ryan could hurt him the way he did ... and I'm usually pretty good at reading people. It's good that they're taking things slow, though."
"Yeah," Toby sighed. "I just wish Ryan hadn't been such a fuck up. And I don't know how he's gonna react when he finds out that Connor and Ben are seeing each other. But I'm glad that Connor's not moping around any more, or I might have had to sleep with him to get him smiling again."
WHAT THE FUCK?!
"Ouch! What was that for?" Toby shrieked. I could only imagine what Cody had just done to him.
"Well, I hope I'm the only one you'll be sleeping with ... at least for a while," Cody replied. "I love Connor sooo much, but I think it's okay for me to be a jealous, bitchy teenager every once in a while and stake my claim to your ... well, you know ...."
"Anything you want, babe. Now can we get back to what we were doing?" Toby asked. "I mean, I adore Connor and all, too, but he's not here in bed with us."
Even though I couldn't see them, I could imagine the cute, sexy grin that must have been plastered on Toby's face right then. And, knowing what they were up to, and that they were both probably naked already ... well, I had to go take care of some business. I briefly considered the possibility of rushing over to Ben's house and totally ravishing him, but I thought that would be taking things a wee bit too fast. So, I took care of things myself. I tried focusing on Ben, but for some reason, Ryan kept popping into my head, and that was rather disconcerting. When I eventually came, though, it was Ben who I was thinking about. And I was sure it was Ben that I wanted to be with now.
After cleaning myself off, I lay back on my bed and thought about everything Toby and Cody had said. Yeah, I felt a little bad about eavesdropping on them, but it made me feel so much better -- not just hearing how they felt about me, but that they approved of my dating Ben. I guess I was afraid that people would think I was being a total whore or something, or that I was just on the rebound. But everyone had been great about it so far. And, of course, I was tickled pink (how gay is that?!) that Toby and Cody were back together.
*****************************************************
It was a little strange without Ryan around the house, but it was definitely turning out to be a good thing. I felt much more relaxed and had the chance to explore my new relationship with Ben. If I had to see Ryan all the time while things were just starting out with Ben, I'd probably feel guilty. I didn't want to feel that way, because I knew that I wasn't doing anything wrong by dating Ben. The only problem in our new relationship, though, was that it was difficult for us to get much time alone together. When we were at his house, Derek was usually around. I still didn't feel comfortable bringing him over to my house, either. Sure, Ryan wasn't there, and Toby didn't have a problem with it, but it just felt ... weird.
When Ryan did get back from baseball camp, I had no idea how things were going to go. Part of me wanted him to know about Ben and me, wanted him to know that I'd moved on and found happiness again. But even after the "Sally Bolero Incident," I didn't want to hurt him any more. That was still a couple weeks away, though, and I wanted to spend my "free time" exploring things with Ben. It wasn't like the privacy issue was that big of a deal, since we weren't having sex or anything like that, but it would have been nice to be able to cuddle and kiss without the feeling that we were being watched.
Ben had been really wonderful so far. He was turning out to be a better companion than I could have ever hoped for. Even though we'd agreed to wait a while before deciding whether to be actual "boyfriends" or not, a big part of me wanted us to be together. But I didn't want to push Ben into doing something he wasn't ready for yet, especially since he was being so great to me. It was obvious that he wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to date a boy, though. Getting flowers and teddy bears with sappy little cards made me feel a bit like a girl, but it was sweet, and I knew that it wasn't Ben's intention to treat me like a girl ... although I hoped he didn't see me as one. I mean, I had a penis, and I didn't go around shaving my legs or armpits. I was definitely all boy.
Working at the mall, I saw lots of couples together, almost all of which were boy-girl couples. As I watched how they interacted with each other, something seemed "off" to me. The mushiness, public displays of affection, and conversations often seemed artificial. For all the talk by religious bigots about how homosexuality was "unnatural," it felt to me like the opposite was true. When two boys were together, just hanging out and goofing off, it seemed much more real, and much simpler.
Sure, I'd had mushy moments with Ryan, and now Ben, but for the most part, we had been friends, first and foremost, and the other stuff just kind of happened when it felt right. It was hard to explain, even to myself, but I couldn't imagine being able to act so natural or at ease with a girl. It just came much easier with another boy. I was no longer merely accepting of my sexuality, but happy about it. I couldn't imagine things being any other way -- nor did I want them to be.
One Friday evening, Ben, Toby, and Cody all came to meet me after work. We were going on a double date that night, something I'd never done before. I was actually really looking forward to it, despite their refusal to tell me where we were going. I didn't see what the big deal was. I mean, it was only a date ... and I didn't like surprises. I was good at figuring them out, too, like with my sixteenth birthday party. So, apparently, they had been extra careful to keep me in the dark this time.
Damn them!
Ben managed to get the car for the evening, a sporty red Toyota Highlander, and we drove into the city. We ended up at a small Italian restaurant, complete with candles, red and white checkered tablecloths, the most incredible cheese-filled ravioli, eggplant parmigiana, and garlic bread that I'd ever tasted, and even a big fat Italian guy named Guido -- who apparently was the owner -- and his son, a really cute Italian boy named Luigi. I almost had a minor heart attack when Ben took it upon himself to feed me right when the cute Italian boy walked by. I wasn't really in the mood to have our double date interrupted by a bout of gay bashing. I was in for a surprise, though, when Luigi gave us a thumbs up and a wink before walking into the kitchen.
The real surprise, however, came after dinner. Instead of going home, as I had expected, Ben drove us to a coffee shop that was advertising an "Open Mic Night." As soon as I saw the sign, I knew what they were up to.
"I'm not doing it. I don't perform anymore," I insisted, feeling a bit miffed that they would try to pressure me into doing something like that.
"Oh, get over it, Connor," Toby groaned. "Performing is your life, and we all miss hearing you sing. Just do it this one time, please."
"Yeah, come on, Connor," Ben chimed in, sticking out his bottom lip and pouting.
Well, shit! How was I supposed to resist that? I certainly wasn't going to make it easy on them, though. I didn't like being forced into doing things, and I wasn't completely ready to go back to performing yet. Fortunately, you only had to do a couple or three songs for those open mic things, so it wasn't like I'd have to put on a whole show. But there was a problem.
"What am I supposed to wear?" I asked. "I can't perform dressed like this!"
I was wearing the same clothes I'd worn to work, khaki pants, a nice royal blue button down shirt, and a pair of Doc Martens. But they weren't my performing clothes, and no one had brought anything for me to change into. How was I supposed to perform if I didn't have something to wear?
"Jesus, Connor," Toby groaned. "You sound sooo gay!"
WHAT?! I felt scandalized. That did not sound gay! What was wrong with wanting to look good when you're up on stage in front of a crowd of people?
"Well, maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm not exactly the most attractive person on earth," I argued. "I have to wear something cool so people will notice that, instead of me."
"Connor, if you don't stop saying crap like you're not attractive, I'm gonna have to beat you down," Cody jumped in. "I may be a pacifist, but I would so lay you out right here on the sidewalk. So, you'd better just get over it."
That was most certainly out of character for Cody, so I shut up. I wasn't happy about it, though. If they had this all planned out in advance, they could have at least brought me something to wear. Sheesh!
The coffee shop itself was kind of cool. As we walked in, the strong scent of incense tickled my nostrils. It was one of those artsy-type places, dimly lit, and filled with lots of small, round tables, where people of all ages were sitting, drinking coffee or tea, and chatting. There were also a number of large comfy-looking sofas where you could lounge around and chat, look at the large volumes of art books lying on the polished glass coffee tables, or stare at the abstract art hanging on the walls.
Since the "Open Mic Night" hadn't started yet, the only noise was the dull hum of conversation. There was a small stage set up toward the back of the room, with minimal musical equipment, only a couple of guitars, a medium-sized amplifier, and a pretty nice Korg digital piano. In fact, I'd sold a couple of those at the piano store and was quite familiar with that particular model.
After I added my name to the list of amateur performers, we each got a mug of Chai tea and plopped down together on one of the big sofas and got ready to listen to the first few acts. Normally, I'd have been backstage and not paying much attention to whoever was performing before me. But since I didn't have anything to change into, I had to sit there and wait. It wasn't pleasant, either, because the first few acts were pretty awful. Sure, this was a place for amateur musicians to come and sing, but gimme a break! These people were horrible. What in the hell were they thinking? If I'd sounded that bad, I would have been too embarrassed to show my face.
When the M.C. called out my name to go up on stage, I started to have second thoughts. After all, this would be the first time I had sung in front of a crowd since Mikey's memorial service, and I was having a hard time pushing away those memories. After some gentle prodding from my three best friends, I finally made my way up to the stage and was met with a polite round of applause from the audience. As I walked toward the piano, Toby shouted out, "C'mon, Connor! Get your freak on, baby!" Toby probably could have made a career out of embarrassing people.
As I sat down in front of the piano and adjusted the microphone, something I had done countless times before, so many emotions came rushing back. Surprisingly, most of them were of the positive variety. I felt a sense of security and familiarity, mixed with exhilaration. It wasn't exactly the venue or circumstances that I would have preferred for my first performance after coming out of "retirement." The crowd certainly wasn't as loud and rambunctious as in the pub, or when I had performed at school functions, and the energy was pretty low-key. Not to mention, I hadn't had time to prepare, think of an appropriate selection of songs, and, perhaps most importantly, I didn't have anything to wear. I couldn't hide behind that other persona. I had to be me.
The tone set by the previous performers had been kind of folksy, so I followed suit, starting off with Steve Earle's country rocker, "The Devil's Right Hand," followed by Bob Dylan's "To Make You Feel My Love," and Jim Reeves' "He'll Have To Go," with a lengthy piano improvisation toward the end. As I finished each song, the reaction from the audience grew louder and more energized, pushing me to play and sing harder, and reminding me why I needed this so much. I was playing and singing with as much passion as I could ever remember. I wasn't doing it for the audience, though ... or even for Toby, Cody, and Ben. I was doing it for me, reclaiming something that I should have never thought of giving up in the first place.
After the first three songs, to change the mood a bit to something a little more upbeat, I decided to play an up-tempo, ballsy rendition of Shania Twain's "Feel Like A Woman," which got the audience clapping along ... and laughing. And that was my intention. That one came across even better than when I had sung Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" at previous shows, where most people seemed not to know how they should react.
As I was pounding away at the piano and singing the chorus, I looked right at Toby, who was laughing hysterically and shaking his head, probably a little surprised at my boldness. Once I'd gotten the laughs that I had wanted, and embarrassed myself a bit in the process, I needed to do one last, serious song.
"This song is from the soundtrack to an old film called Friends, which came out in 1970," I began. "I think that was probably before any of us were born. Anyway, it's written by Elton John, it's called 'Seasons,' and I'd like to dedicate this one to a special guy. This one's for you, Ben."
I looked over at Ben -- who was blushing a deep shade of crimson -- and gave him a big smile and a wink ... then I stuck my tongue out at him. After all, he was a co-conspirator in dragging me out here tonight.
I then started right in on a long, slow, and wistful piano introduction, inspired heavily by classical music. Having spent a lot of time practicing classical music recently, I thought my phrasing and style had improved greatly. As the intro began to wind down and I prepared to start singing, I made sure to look right at Ben, so that he'd understand that what I was singing was meant just for him.
It was a little strange without Ryan around the house, but it was definitely turning out to be a good thing. I felt much more relaxed and had the chance to explore my new relationship with Ben. If I had to see Ryan all the time while things were just starting out with Ben, I'd probably feel guilty. I didn't want to feel that way, because I knew that I wasn't doing anything wrong by dating Ben. The only problem in our new relationship, though, was that it was difficult for us to get much time alone together. When we were at his house, Derek was usually around. I still didn't feel comfortable bringing him over to my house, either. Sure, Ryan wasn't there, and Toby didn't have a problem with it, but it just felt ... weird.
When Ryan did get back from baseball camp, I had no idea how things were going to go. Part of me wanted him to know about Ben and me, wanted him to know that I'd moved on and found happiness again. But even after the "Sally Bolero Incident," I didn't want to hurt him any more. That was still a couple weeks away, though, and I wanted to spend my "free time" exploring things with Ben. It wasn't like the privacy issue was that big of a deal, since we weren't having sex or anything like that, but it would have been nice to be able to cuddle and kiss without the feeling that we were being watched.
Ben had been really wonderful so far. He was turning out to be a better companion than I could have ever hoped for. Even though we'd agreed to wait a while before deciding whether to be actual "boyfriends" or not, a big part of me wanted us to be together. But I didn't want to push Ben into doing something he wasn't ready for yet, especially since he was being so great to me. It was obvious that he wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to date a boy, though. Getting flowers and teddy bears with sappy little cards made me feel a bit like a girl, but it was sweet, and I knew that it wasn't Ben's intention to treat me like a girl ... although I hoped he didn't see me as one. I mean, I had a penis, and I didn't go around shaving my legs or armpits. I was definitely all boy.
Working at the mall, I saw lots of couples together, almost all of which were boy-girl couples. As I watched how they interacted with each other, something seemed "off" to me. The mushiness, public displays of affection, and conversations often seemed artificial. For all the talk by religious bigots about how homosexuality was "unnatural," it felt to me like the opposite was true. When two boys were together, just hanging out and goofing off, it seemed much more real, and much simpler.
Sure, I'd had mushy moments with Ryan, and now Ben, but for the most part, we had been friends, first and foremost, and the other stuff just kind of happened when it felt right. It was hard to explain, even to myself, but I couldn't imagine being able to act so natural or at ease with a girl. It just came much easier with another boy. I was no longer merely accepting of my sexuality, but happy about it. I couldn't imagine things being any other way -- nor did I want them to be.
One Friday evening, Ben, Toby, and Cody all came to meet me after work. We were going on a double date that night, something I'd never done before. I was actually really looking forward to it, despite their refusal to tell me where we were going. I didn't see what the big deal was. I mean, it was only a date ... and I didn't like surprises. I was good at figuring them out, too, like with my sixteenth birthday party. So, apparently, they had been extra careful to keep me in the dark this time.
Damn them!
Ben managed to get the car for the evening, a sporty red Toyota Highlander, and we drove into the city. We ended up at a small Italian restaurant, complete with candles, red and white checkered tablecloths, the most incredible cheese-filled ravioli, eggplant parmigiana, and garlic bread that I'd ever tasted, and even a big fat Italian guy named Guido -- who apparently was the owner -- and his son, a really cute Italian boy named Luigi. I almost had a minor heart attack when Ben took it upon himself to feed me right when the cute Italian boy walked by. I wasn't really in the mood to have our double date interrupted by a bout of gay bashing. I was in for a surprise, though, when Luigi gave us a thumbs up and a wink before walking into the kitchen.
The real surprise, however, came after dinner. Instead of going home, as I had expected, Ben drove us to a coffee shop that was advertising an "Open Mic Night." As soon as I saw the sign, I knew what they were up to.
"I'm not doing it. I don't perform anymore," I insisted, feeling a bit miffed that they would try to pressure me into doing something like that.
"Oh, get over it, Connor," Toby groaned. "Performing is your life, and we all miss hearing you sing. Just do it this one time, please."
"Yeah, come on, Connor," Ben chimed in, sticking out his bottom lip and pouting.
Well, shit! How was I supposed to resist that? I certainly wasn't going to make it easy on them, though. I didn't like being forced into doing things, and I wasn't completely ready to go back to performing yet. Fortunately, you only had to do a couple or three songs for those open mic things, so it wasn't like I'd have to put on a whole show. But there was a problem.
"What am I supposed to wear?" I asked. "I can't perform dressed like this!"
I was wearing the same clothes I'd worn to work, khaki pants, a nice royal blue button down shirt, and a pair of Doc Martens. But they weren't my performing clothes, and no one had brought anything for me to change into. How was I supposed to perform if I didn't have something to wear?
"Jesus, Connor," Toby groaned. "You sound sooo gay!"
WHAT?! I felt scandalized. That did not sound gay! What was wrong with wanting to look good when you're up on stage in front of a crowd of people?
"Well, maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm not exactly the most attractive person on earth," I argued. "I have to wear something cool so people will notice that, instead of me."
"Connor, if you don't stop saying crap like you're not attractive, I'm gonna have to beat you down," Cody jumped in. "I may be a pacifist, but I would so lay you out right here on the sidewalk. So, you'd better just get over it."
That was most certainly out of character for Cody, so I shut up. I wasn't happy about it, though. If they had this all planned out in advance, they could have at least brought me something to wear. Sheesh!
The coffee shop itself was kind of cool. As we walked in, the strong scent of incense tickled my nostrils. It was one of those artsy-type places, dimly lit, and filled with lots of small, round tables, where people of all ages were sitting, drinking coffee or tea, and chatting. There were also a number of large comfy-looking sofas where you could lounge around and chat, look at the large volumes of art books lying on the polished glass coffee tables, or stare at the abstract art hanging on the walls.
Since the "Open Mic Night" hadn't started yet, the only noise was the dull hum of conversation. There was a small stage set up toward the back of the room, with minimal musical equipment, only a couple of guitars, a medium-sized amplifier, and a pretty nice Korg digital piano. In fact, I'd sold a couple of those at the piano store and was quite familiar with that particular model.
After I added my name to the list of amateur performers, we each got a mug of Chai tea and plopped down together on one of the big sofas and got ready to listen to the first few acts. Normally, I'd have been backstage and not paying much attention to whoever was performing before me. But since I didn't have anything to change into, I had to sit there and wait. It wasn't pleasant, either, because the first few acts were pretty awful. Sure, this was a place for amateur musicians to come and sing, but gimme a break! These people were horrible. What in the hell were they thinking? If I'd sounded that bad, I would have been too embarrassed to show my face.
When the M.C. called out my name to go up on stage, I started to have second thoughts. After all, this would be the first time I had sung in front of a crowd since Mikey's memorial service, and I was having a hard time pushing away those memories. After some gentle prodding from my three best friends, I finally made my way up to the stage and was met with a polite round of applause from the audience. As I walked toward the piano, Toby shouted out, "C'mon, Connor! Get your freak on, baby!" Toby probably could have made a career out of embarrassing people.
As I sat down in front of the piano and adjusted the microphone, something I had done countless times before, so many emotions came rushing back. Surprisingly, most of them were of the positive variety. I felt a sense of security and familiarity, mixed with exhilaration. It wasn't exactly the venue or circumstances that I would have preferred for my first performance after coming out of "retirement." The crowd certainly wasn't as loud and rambunctious as in the pub, or when I had performed at school functions, and the energy was pretty low-key. Not to mention, I hadn't had time to prepare, think of an appropriate selection of songs, and, perhaps most importantly, I didn't have anything to wear. I couldn't hide behind that other persona. I had to be me.
The tone set by the previous performers had been kind of folksy, so I followed suit, starting off with Steve Earle's country rocker, "The Devil's Right Hand," followed by Bob Dylan's "To Make You Feel My Love," and Jim Reeves' "He'll Have To Go," with a lengthy piano improvisation toward the end. As I finished each song, the reaction from the audience grew louder and more energized, pushing me to play and sing harder, and reminding me why I needed this so much. I was playing and singing with as much passion as I could ever remember. I wasn't doing it for the audience, though ... or even for Toby, Cody, and Ben. I was doing it for me, reclaiming something that I should have never thought of giving up in the first place.
After the first three songs, to change the mood a bit to something a little more upbeat, I decided to play an up-tempo, ballsy rendition of Shania Twain's "Feel Like A Woman," which got the audience clapping along ... and laughing. And that was my intention. That one came across even better than when I had sung Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" at previous shows, where most people seemed not to know how they should react.
As I was pounding away at the piano and singing the chorus, I looked right at Toby, who was laughing hysterically and shaking his head, probably a little surprised at my boldness. Once I'd gotten the laughs that I had wanted, and embarrassed myself a bit in the process, I needed to do one last, serious song.
"This song is from the soundtrack to an old film called Friends, which came out in 1970," I began. "I think that was probably before any of us were born. Anyway, it's written by Elton John, it's called 'Seasons,' and I'd like to dedicate this one to a special guy. This one's for you, Ben."
I looked over at Ben -- who was blushing a deep shade of crimson -- and gave him a big smile and a wink ... then I stuck my tongue out at him. After all, he was a co-conspirator in dragging me out here tonight.
I then started right in on a long, slow, and wistful piano introduction, inspired heavily by classical music. Having spent a lot of time practicing classical music recently, I thought my phrasing and style had improved greatly. As the intro began to wind down and I prepared to start singing, I made sure to look right at Ben, so that he'd understand that what I was singing was meant just for him.
For our world, the
circle turns again
Throughout the year we've seen the seasons change
It's meant a lot to me to start anew
Oh, the winter's cold, but I'm so warm with you
Out there, there's not a sound to be heard
And the seasons seem to sleep upon their words
As the waters freeze up with the summer's end
Oh, it's funny how young lovers start as friends
Yes, it's funny how young lovers start as friends ...
I could feel that things were beginning to get more serious with Ben, at least in terms of how I was feeling. I wanted him to know that. And I could only hope that he would feel the same way, too.
As I sat there, listening to the applause and just enjoying being up on stage again, I started to feel something a little different ... kind of like a sense of peace. I realized that I'd been taking a lot for granted. Even the bad things that had happened to me over the past year had all led to something wonderful in the end. Perhaps it was time to let go of some of that anger and resentfulness I'd been carrying around with me. And it took performing again for me to realize that. Pretty heavy stuff for a teenager to have to be thinking about, huh?
Since I wasn't the last one to perform, and Ben insisted that it would be the polite thing to do, I rejoined everyone on the sofa, and Cody went to get me a fresh cup of Chai tea. Before the next act went on, though, an older man, maybe in his early fifties or so, came and sat down next to us. He was heavy-set, had a big, bushy beard, and looked a little like Jerry Garcia from The Grateful Dead.
"You were really great up there," he said, sticking his hand out for me to shake. "My name is Charles."
"I'm Connor," I replied, shaking his hand. "And these are my friends -- Cody, Toby, and Ben."
"It's nice to meet you all," he said, smiling and nodding slightly at each one in turn.
"Anyway," Charles said, turning back to me. "When I heard you singing up there, especially on your last song, I couldn't help but think you sound an awful lot like José Feliciano."
"José who?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
Charles chuckled. "I'm sure he was way before your time. Anyway, you have a really nice voice, but I have a friend who I think could help you out some. He worked on some Motown and Philly Soul stuff a number of years ago, and I think if you met with him for a few lessons, he could really help you with your voice. He just happens to be in town for a few weeks doing some recording sessions."
At first, I was a little wary of the offer. I wasn't sure if this guy was serious, or if he was just perving on me or something. But I'd never really been happy with my voice. I'd always considered myself to be a piano player who just happened to sing, and never really good at singing in its own right. So, I figured I'd take a chance, and maybe something good would come out of it. I wrote down my cell number for Charles, thanked him, and told him to have his friend call me whenever he could.
The very next day, I got a call from Thom, Charles' friend, on my cell phone while I was at work. He said that Charles had raved about my talent, which caused me to blush right there on the phone, and he wanted to meet with me as soon as I had the time. That afternoon, after work, I drove back into the city to meet with Thom, who turned out to be an older black man, with graying hair, a perpetual smile, and a contagious laugh. He wore wire-rimmed glasses and a ton of gold jewelry.
We met at the recording studio he was working at. I'd never been in a recording studio, and this particular one was very nice. I was awed by the size of the place, the dozens of gold records that lined the walls, and especially the studio itself, which had the most state-of-the-art recording and mixing equipment I had ever seen, not to mention some really expensive instruments. Thom had me sit down at a topless grand piano that was hooked up to a bunch of computer consoles. I was a little surprised when I hit the keys and heard a funky, electric piano sound. He must have noticed my confusion, as he then explained to me that the computer could be used to modify the sound of the piano. With the computer turned off, it would sound like a completely authentic grand piano. I think I fell in love with that piano right then and there.
Thom then asked me to play something for him, and I chose Elton John's "Philadelphia Freedom."
"You're a natural singer, son," he said, with a deep laugh, as soon as I finished. "I just have a couple suggestions that I think would make you a great singer. Give you a really powerful singing voice, soaked through with deep Southern soul."
I liked the sound of that. And I liked Thom.
He asked me if I'd ever heard of a song called "Are You Ready For Love," which, of course, I had.
"Elton John recorded it back in 1979 when he did some sessions out in Seattle," I replied. "It was remixed and re-released about a year ago as a dance mix, and went to number one over in Britain."
Thom gave out another deep laugh and patted me on the shoulder. "You really do know your stuff there, son."
He put me in the recording studio and put some earphones on me so I could hear the backing tracks while I sang and played along on the electric piano. The first time, he had me use my regular singing voice, while he recorded it. When I was finished, he told me I was singing a bit above my natural range, and should try singing about an octave lower. He also said my voice needed to come from my stomach instead of my throat. So, we tried it again, and after a few more takes, he called me back into the control booth so I could compare my first take of the song with the last one. I was amazed at how much different -- and better -- my voice sounded.
I ended up going back to see Thom a few more times for some coaching, both on my voice and singing style. Each time, Thom recorded me, so I could hear how I sounded, and I found that I was my own worst critic. But by the time we were through, I was very pleased. I asked Thom how I could repay him, but he just said to get out there and perform. I didn't know how to do that, since I wasn't performing at the pub anymore, but I would try to find a way. Thom also suggested that I try to put a band together. He thought it would be good for me to work with other musicians. I had no idea how I was supposed to do that, though. The only other musician I knew was Cody, and he couldn't really play electric guitar all that well.
Throughout the year we've seen the seasons change
It's meant a lot to me to start anew
Oh, the winter's cold, but I'm so warm with you
Out there, there's not a sound to be heard
And the seasons seem to sleep upon their words
As the waters freeze up with the summer's end
Oh, it's funny how young lovers start as friends
Yes, it's funny how young lovers start as friends ...
I could feel that things were beginning to get more serious with Ben, at least in terms of how I was feeling. I wanted him to know that. And I could only hope that he would feel the same way, too.
As I sat there, listening to the applause and just enjoying being up on stage again, I started to feel something a little different ... kind of like a sense of peace. I realized that I'd been taking a lot for granted. Even the bad things that had happened to me over the past year had all led to something wonderful in the end. Perhaps it was time to let go of some of that anger and resentfulness I'd been carrying around with me. And it took performing again for me to realize that. Pretty heavy stuff for a teenager to have to be thinking about, huh?
Since I wasn't the last one to perform, and Ben insisted that it would be the polite thing to do, I rejoined everyone on the sofa, and Cody went to get me a fresh cup of Chai tea. Before the next act went on, though, an older man, maybe in his early fifties or so, came and sat down next to us. He was heavy-set, had a big, bushy beard, and looked a little like Jerry Garcia from The Grateful Dead.
"You were really great up there," he said, sticking his hand out for me to shake. "My name is Charles."
"I'm Connor," I replied, shaking his hand. "And these are my friends -- Cody, Toby, and Ben."
"It's nice to meet you all," he said, smiling and nodding slightly at each one in turn.
"Anyway," Charles said, turning back to me. "When I heard you singing up there, especially on your last song, I couldn't help but think you sound an awful lot like José Feliciano."
"José who?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
Charles chuckled. "I'm sure he was way before your time. Anyway, you have a really nice voice, but I have a friend who I think could help you out some. He worked on some Motown and Philly Soul stuff a number of years ago, and I think if you met with him for a few lessons, he could really help you with your voice. He just happens to be in town for a few weeks doing some recording sessions."
At first, I was a little wary of the offer. I wasn't sure if this guy was serious, or if he was just perving on me or something. But I'd never really been happy with my voice. I'd always considered myself to be a piano player who just happened to sing, and never really good at singing in its own right. So, I figured I'd take a chance, and maybe something good would come out of it. I wrote down my cell number for Charles, thanked him, and told him to have his friend call me whenever he could.
The very next day, I got a call from Thom, Charles' friend, on my cell phone while I was at work. He said that Charles had raved about my talent, which caused me to blush right there on the phone, and he wanted to meet with me as soon as I had the time. That afternoon, after work, I drove back into the city to meet with Thom, who turned out to be an older black man, with graying hair, a perpetual smile, and a contagious laugh. He wore wire-rimmed glasses and a ton of gold jewelry.
We met at the recording studio he was working at. I'd never been in a recording studio, and this particular one was very nice. I was awed by the size of the place, the dozens of gold records that lined the walls, and especially the studio itself, which had the most state-of-the-art recording and mixing equipment I had ever seen, not to mention some really expensive instruments. Thom had me sit down at a topless grand piano that was hooked up to a bunch of computer consoles. I was a little surprised when I hit the keys and heard a funky, electric piano sound. He must have noticed my confusion, as he then explained to me that the computer could be used to modify the sound of the piano. With the computer turned off, it would sound like a completely authentic grand piano. I think I fell in love with that piano right then and there.
Thom then asked me to play something for him, and I chose Elton John's "Philadelphia Freedom."
"You're a natural singer, son," he said, with a deep laugh, as soon as I finished. "I just have a couple suggestions that I think would make you a great singer. Give you a really powerful singing voice, soaked through with deep Southern soul."
I liked the sound of that. And I liked Thom.
He asked me if I'd ever heard of a song called "Are You Ready For Love," which, of course, I had.
"Elton John recorded it back in 1979 when he did some sessions out in Seattle," I replied. "It was remixed and re-released about a year ago as a dance mix, and went to number one over in Britain."
Thom gave out another deep laugh and patted me on the shoulder. "You really do know your stuff there, son."
He put me in the recording studio and put some earphones on me so I could hear the backing tracks while I sang and played along on the electric piano. The first time, he had me use my regular singing voice, while he recorded it. When I was finished, he told me I was singing a bit above my natural range, and should try singing about an octave lower. He also said my voice needed to come from my stomach instead of my throat. So, we tried it again, and after a few more takes, he called me back into the control booth so I could compare my first take of the song with the last one. I was amazed at how much different -- and better -- my voice sounded.
I ended up going back to see Thom a few more times for some coaching, both on my voice and singing style. Each time, Thom recorded me, so I could hear how I sounded, and I found that I was my own worst critic. But by the time we were through, I was very pleased. I asked Thom how I could repay him, but he just said to get out there and perform. I didn't know how to do that, since I wasn't performing at the pub anymore, but I would try to find a way. Thom also suggested that I try to put a band together. He thought it would be good for me to work with other musicians. I had no idea how I was supposed to do that, though. The only other musician I knew was Cody, and he couldn't really play electric guitar all that well.
******************************************************
Ben and I finally got our chance to be alone when Maggie announced that the "family" was going to Seattle for a week to visit her younger sister, Dorothy. Maggie and Toby both tried to convince me to go, with Maggie stressing that I was a part of the family, too. But I insisted that I had to work and asked if I could stay by myself for the week.
At first, Maggie didn't like the idea of me staying at home alone, even though I had been on my own plenty of times before I'd moved in with them. And I was sixteen, after all. I didn't see why it was such a big deal, and it made me even more pissed off at Maggie. I did not like being treated like a little kid. If someone wanted to push my buttons, that was definitely one way to do it.
Don't get me wrong, I was extremely grateful for everything Maggie had done for me -- hence, I always kept my negative thoughts to myself and tried to be as polite as possible -- and it was kind of her to want me to join them on their vacation, but I wasn't her son. She'd screwed up majorly with her own sons, anyway, in my opinion. Eventually, though, after talking to the twins' mom, who promised to keep an eye on me, Maggie agreed to leave me behind.
Toby, however, was pretty disappointed. He said it was hilarious to watch his mom and aunt when they were together, because they were constantly at each other's throats. Aunt Dorothy usually won any confrontation, repeatedly chastising Maggie for working too much -- which I didn't think was such a bad thing, because it allowed me to be that much more independent -- and for being too uptight. I could agree with that part, as evidenced by her initial balking at the idea of me staying home alone, when she knew very well that I could take care of myself.
At any rate, Toby was finally won over when I explained to him my real reason for wanting to stay home -- I wanted to spend some quality time alone with Ben. Of course, to Toby, that meant that we were finally going to "do it," although that wasn't actually on my agenda. I had been perfectly content with just cuddling and kissing, and Ben was fantastic at both of those. I wasn't sure that he was ready for sex yet, even though I probably was.
As soon as Maggie and Toby left for the airport, I called up Ben and told him that we were free. Woo-hoo! And it couldn't have been more than ten minutes from the time we hung up the phone when he was ringing the door bell. We ended up going out for Chinese food, and then to the mall to catch a movie -- horror, of course. It was pretty typical of most of our "dates" over the summer.
The movie let out at around nine o'clock, so we stopped off at the video store to pick up some DVDs. Since Ben and I were hungry again, we also stopped off at a local pizza and sub shop and got two foot-long subs and a large pepperoni pizza. Apparently, it really was true that you got hungry again not long after eating Chinese food. But since I was still scrawny, I didn't need to watch my waistline, so what the hell, right?
Once the food had been devoured (yes, we ate ALL of it) and we had finished watching the first movie, we snuggled up on the sofa -- with Ben spooned up behind me and holding me tightly -- to watch the next one. It was kind of a weird feeling to be snuggling on the McCormacks' couch with someone who wasn't a McCormack. I felt a little guilty about that, but then again, Maggie had always insisted that this was my house now, too. So, I supposed I just had to get used to it.
Things with Ben had been going so well ever since we'd decided to try out the whole dating thing. But now, for the first time, I was starting to feel really nervous. We'd both been hoping for an opportunity to be alone together, and I figured we both knew why we wanted to be alone together ... but we'd never discussed it. And now that we finally had that chance, I was scared shitless. I'd been fine -- or more than fine -- that night in Ben's bed when we talked about our feelings for each other. So why was I having so much trouble now?
"Are you okay, Connor?" Ben asked, nuzzling his face against my neck, which was only driving me even more insane.
"Uhhh ... yeah," I managed to stammer out. "Why?"
"You're shaking like a leaf," he replied.
"I guess I'm a little nervous," I admitted.
"Nervous about what?"
"About what happens next," I said.
"You mean, in the movie?" he asked.
"Uhhh ... no ... I mean ... well ... uhhh ... with us," I stuttered.
"Well, you've done it before. Shouldn't I be the one to be nervous?"
I laughed. "I guess you're right."
"Do you want something to happen?" Ben asked, nuzzling up even closer, and sliding his hand underneath my T-shirt to rub my chest and tummy.
"Yeah, I do," I whispered.
OH GOD, I REALLY WANTED SOMETHING TO HAPPEN!
With that, I threw all caution to the wind, and turned around so I was facing Ben. As he leaned in to kiss me, I suddenly felt a little self-conscious about my breath, since we'd eaten so much that night, including lots of garlic and onions. But I soon forgot about that as I felt Ben's soft lips press against mine, and shortly thereafter, our tongues found each other, wrestling together in a passionate dance in our mouths.
One by one, pieces of clothing seemed to find their way from our bodies onto the floor. And within a few minutes, I found myself, for the first time, completely naked with Ben. Our frenetic kissing subsided temporarily as, I think, we both finally realized what we were doing. But if Ben was having second thoughts, he sure didn't act like it, as his hands began to trace gently across my chest and tummy, his thumbs pausing to brush across my nipples, then working down to my hips and thighs, coming excruciatingly close to touching my now throbbing dick. He was teasing me, and I loved it.
I was less subtle, as I reached between Ben's legs and took his balls into my hand, kneading them tenderly between my fingers, and leaning in to kiss his neck, shoulders, and chest. The soft yet high-pitched whimper that escaped his throat let me know that he was enjoying it. Since I was now supposedly the "expert," I continued to take the lead, kissing gently down his chest and tummy, letting my tongue swirl around the happy trail that began right around his belly button. As I got within inches of my final destination, preparing to prove to Ben that guys could give much better blow jobs than girls, the limitations of trying to have sex on a sofa quickly became apparent.
We fell off.
"Shit," I muttered.
Then we both started cracking up. It must have taken us at least five minutes to get ahold of ourselves again, lying naked in a heap on the floor.
"Maybe we should go to your bedroom," Ben suggested.
"So, you wanna keep going?" I asked.
"Doofus," Ben giggled, and then smacked my bottom. "Let's go."
Once we got to my room, pulled down the sheets, and got into bed, we picked up right where we'd left off, although this time, I didn't wait before diving down onto Ben's cock. He gasped as soon as my lips closed around him, and I swirled my tongue across the entire length of his cock, spending extra time teasing the head, as I bobbed up and down. >From his squirming and moaning, I was pretty sure that I was doing a decent job. After a few minutes, though, he pulled my head away from his crotch.
"Let's change places," Ben suggested.
"Are you sure you wanna do that?" I asked.
I was perfectly content just to suck on Ben all night long ... or bury my face in his ass (he had the most adorable 'dimple butt' I'd ever seen, by the way). I didn't want him to get weirded out or anything if he wasn't ready to reciprocate yet.
"Yeah, I'm sure," he said, sitting up and pushing me gently back onto the bed.
I had to give him credit for going at it with such enthusiasm, but it was obvious that this was most definitely Ben's first time giving someone a blow job. After having my dick scraped several times by his teeth, I needed to stop him. It was a matter of life and death ... for my penis. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or anything ... but when it comes to a guy's penis, you need to be really careful. He tried to apologize, but I just shushed him and told him we'd have plenty of time to practice in the future, which earned me a shy grin from Ben.
AWWWW! He was sooo cute!
With the blow jobs not working out too well, I motioned for Ben to scoot up on the bed and lie on top of me. With our chests and cocks pressed tightly together, we started to grind against each other. That ended up working out much better than our attempt at oral sex, and we were both really getting into it. Our soft whimpers from before had become much louder, as our hips ground together more and more feverishly, and we were practically sucking each other's tongues out of our mouths. Everything about Ben felt, smelled, and tasted so incredible, so boyish.
As our passionate grinding continued, my heart was beating so fast, I thought it was going to burst out of my body and fly away. One of Ben's hands was placed underneath me, on the small of my back, with the other planted firmly behind my head. My hands, however, were roaming all over Ben's body, running through his sweaty hair, and up and down his back and soft bubble butt, feeling his muscles as they tensed.
Then, with little warning, except for a slight gasp from Ben, I felt his cum spurting against my chest and stomach. Believe me, knowing that you've caused someone to really get off -- especially someone as gorgeous as Ben -- is one of the hottest experiences possible, and that was enough to drive me over the edge as well.
When we had finished unloading our cum all over each other, we collapsed into each other's arms, breathless, and held on for dear life. There was nothing that needed to be said. We had crossed into a new level in our relationship, and I couldn't have been happier or more satisfied -- physically or emotionally. I was most definitely falling for Ben ... big time. I just hoped he felt the same way about me.
When I woke up the next morning, Ben and I were still snuggled closely together, although that may have been due to the copious amounts of cum we had shot all over each other the night before, and the fact that we had been too tired to clean ourselves up and were now pretty much stuck together. I managed to un-stick myself so I could go pee, and when I came back, I lay back down next to Ben so I could watch him sleep. We hadn't gotten under the covers the night before, both because of the summer heat, and, I think, because we were both so worn out.
I was totally entranced by how amazingly beautiful he looked, even with his hair all messed up and a trail of drool running down his chin. It had been pretty dark when we were fooling around the night before, and since I'd been so horny, I hadn't really taken the time to admire him. But now, I could hardly believe that someone so incredibly gorgeous would want to be with me. Someone who wasn't even sure that he was gay. But it happened, and he wanted me.
After the emotional roller coaster I'd been put through by Ryan, I would have been happy just to have a cute guy to snuggle with. But Ben wasn't just a cute guy. He was sweet and gentle, and being around him was so easy ... no drama, no overwrought emotional stuff. We'd been friends for almost a year now, and our friendship was the most important ingredient in our new relationship. The other stuff just seemed to develop so naturally. When I'd first met the twins, I never would have thought something like this could have happened. It definitely took me by surprise. But this was one surprise that I really liked.
Watching Ben lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I was starting to feel a little emotional. And not wanting him to wake up and find me crying like a little wuss or something because I was "falling" for him, I decided to let him sleep, and go mess around on the piano until he woke up. I'd never been one to walk around without any clothes on. I always at least wore a T-shirt and boxer shorts. But that morning, I left the room naked -- knowing that no one else was going to be home -- and made my way to the basement, where I'd set up my own little music room. I'd never played the piano naked before, and the thought of it was kind of exciting.
I'd pretty much gotten over my classical music phase and was back to playing the kind of music that I really enjoyed, except that at that moment, I wasn't able to think of anything to play other than really sappy love songs.
Jesus, maybe I really am turning into a girl! I thought to myself.
I didn't like the thought of that. I didn't want to be one of those wussy, needy, whiney little girly boys. It was hard to contain myself, though. Part of me wanted to jump up and down and dance around the basement, giggling like a fool. I hadn't been this happy in a long time. Instead of doing that, though, I tried expressing myself on the piano. Before long, I felt a strong pair of arms wrap around me from behind, and inhaled Ben's familiar, boyish scent as he nuzzled his face into my neck.
"Good morning," he said, still sounding half asleep, as he gave me a big, wet kiss on the neck.
I just moaned in response.
I then turned around to face Ben, and noticed that he was just as naked as me.
"How about we stay like this for the next few days?" I suggested, with a wry grin.
Ben blushed a deep shade of red. "That'd be pretty cool."
I gave his balls a quick squeeze before pulling him down for a long, passionate kiss.
Who gives a fuck about morning breath when you're with someone you really, really, REALLY like?!?!
"So, what were you playing when I came down here?" Ben asked.
"Nothing, really. Just messing around," I replied.
"How do you feel when you're playing?" he asked.
That was a good question. Plenty of people had asked me how I played, but no one had ever really asked me how I felt when I played. It was a difficult question to answer.
"I'm not sure," I answered. "But there's a song I know that I think explains it pretty well."
"And you're gonna play it for me, right?" Ben asked, giving me a wink.
I blushed. "Sure, if you want me to."
With that, Ben pulled a chair up next to the piano, and I spread my fingers across the keys and started to play and sing.
"That was incredible," Ben said, as soon as I'd finished playing.
"Well, that's how I feel," I said, blushing yet again. If only I could explain it so eloquently, though. For some reason, I didn't really have a way with words. So, music was often the best way for me to communicate -- especially when it really mattered. That's the way it had always been for me.
"So, we're really gonna spend the next few days naked?" Ben asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
I looked at him shyly and nodded.
And we did just that.
Ben and I finally got our chance to be alone when Maggie announced that the "family" was going to Seattle for a week to visit her younger sister, Dorothy. Maggie and Toby both tried to convince me to go, with Maggie stressing that I was a part of the family, too. But I insisted that I had to work and asked if I could stay by myself for the week.
At first, Maggie didn't like the idea of me staying at home alone, even though I had been on my own plenty of times before I'd moved in with them. And I was sixteen, after all. I didn't see why it was such a big deal, and it made me even more pissed off at Maggie. I did not like being treated like a little kid. If someone wanted to push my buttons, that was definitely one way to do it.
Don't get me wrong, I was extremely grateful for everything Maggie had done for me -- hence, I always kept my negative thoughts to myself and tried to be as polite as possible -- and it was kind of her to want me to join them on their vacation, but I wasn't her son. She'd screwed up majorly with her own sons, anyway, in my opinion. Eventually, though, after talking to the twins' mom, who promised to keep an eye on me, Maggie agreed to leave me behind.
Toby, however, was pretty disappointed. He said it was hilarious to watch his mom and aunt when they were together, because they were constantly at each other's throats. Aunt Dorothy usually won any confrontation, repeatedly chastising Maggie for working too much -- which I didn't think was such a bad thing, because it allowed me to be that much more independent -- and for being too uptight. I could agree with that part, as evidenced by her initial balking at the idea of me staying home alone, when she knew very well that I could take care of myself.
At any rate, Toby was finally won over when I explained to him my real reason for wanting to stay home -- I wanted to spend some quality time alone with Ben. Of course, to Toby, that meant that we were finally going to "do it," although that wasn't actually on my agenda. I had been perfectly content with just cuddling and kissing, and Ben was fantastic at both of those. I wasn't sure that he was ready for sex yet, even though I probably was.
As soon as Maggie and Toby left for the airport, I called up Ben and told him that we were free. Woo-hoo! And it couldn't have been more than ten minutes from the time we hung up the phone when he was ringing the door bell. We ended up going out for Chinese food, and then to the mall to catch a movie -- horror, of course. It was pretty typical of most of our "dates" over the summer.
The movie let out at around nine o'clock, so we stopped off at the video store to pick up some DVDs. Since Ben and I were hungry again, we also stopped off at a local pizza and sub shop and got two foot-long subs and a large pepperoni pizza. Apparently, it really was true that you got hungry again not long after eating Chinese food. But since I was still scrawny, I didn't need to watch my waistline, so what the hell, right?
Once the food had been devoured (yes, we ate ALL of it) and we had finished watching the first movie, we snuggled up on the sofa -- with Ben spooned up behind me and holding me tightly -- to watch the next one. It was kind of a weird feeling to be snuggling on the McCormacks' couch with someone who wasn't a McCormack. I felt a little guilty about that, but then again, Maggie had always insisted that this was my house now, too. So, I supposed I just had to get used to it.
Things with Ben had been going so well ever since we'd decided to try out the whole dating thing. But now, for the first time, I was starting to feel really nervous. We'd both been hoping for an opportunity to be alone together, and I figured we both knew why we wanted to be alone together ... but we'd never discussed it. And now that we finally had that chance, I was scared shitless. I'd been fine -- or more than fine -- that night in Ben's bed when we talked about our feelings for each other. So why was I having so much trouble now?
"Are you okay, Connor?" Ben asked, nuzzling his face against my neck, which was only driving me even more insane.
"Uhhh ... yeah," I managed to stammer out. "Why?"
"You're shaking like a leaf," he replied.
"I guess I'm a little nervous," I admitted.
"Nervous about what?"
"About what happens next," I said.
"You mean, in the movie?" he asked.
"Uhhh ... no ... I mean ... well ... uhhh ... with us," I stuttered.
"Well, you've done it before. Shouldn't I be the one to be nervous?"
I laughed. "I guess you're right."
"Do you want something to happen?" Ben asked, nuzzling up even closer, and sliding his hand underneath my T-shirt to rub my chest and tummy.
"Yeah, I do," I whispered.
OH GOD, I REALLY WANTED SOMETHING TO HAPPEN!
With that, I threw all caution to the wind, and turned around so I was facing Ben. As he leaned in to kiss me, I suddenly felt a little self-conscious about my breath, since we'd eaten so much that night, including lots of garlic and onions. But I soon forgot about that as I felt Ben's soft lips press against mine, and shortly thereafter, our tongues found each other, wrestling together in a passionate dance in our mouths.
One by one, pieces of clothing seemed to find their way from our bodies onto the floor. And within a few minutes, I found myself, for the first time, completely naked with Ben. Our frenetic kissing subsided temporarily as, I think, we both finally realized what we were doing. But if Ben was having second thoughts, he sure didn't act like it, as his hands began to trace gently across my chest and tummy, his thumbs pausing to brush across my nipples, then working down to my hips and thighs, coming excruciatingly close to touching my now throbbing dick. He was teasing me, and I loved it.
I was less subtle, as I reached between Ben's legs and took his balls into my hand, kneading them tenderly between my fingers, and leaning in to kiss his neck, shoulders, and chest. The soft yet high-pitched whimper that escaped his throat let me know that he was enjoying it. Since I was now supposedly the "expert," I continued to take the lead, kissing gently down his chest and tummy, letting my tongue swirl around the happy trail that began right around his belly button. As I got within inches of my final destination, preparing to prove to Ben that guys could give much better blow jobs than girls, the limitations of trying to have sex on a sofa quickly became apparent.
We fell off.
"Shit," I muttered.
Then we both started cracking up. It must have taken us at least five minutes to get ahold of ourselves again, lying naked in a heap on the floor.
"Maybe we should go to your bedroom," Ben suggested.
"So, you wanna keep going?" I asked.
"Doofus," Ben giggled, and then smacked my bottom. "Let's go."
Once we got to my room, pulled down the sheets, and got into bed, we picked up right where we'd left off, although this time, I didn't wait before diving down onto Ben's cock. He gasped as soon as my lips closed around him, and I swirled my tongue across the entire length of his cock, spending extra time teasing the head, as I bobbed up and down. >From his squirming and moaning, I was pretty sure that I was doing a decent job. After a few minutes, though, he pulled my head away from his crotch.
"Let's change places," Ben suggested.
"Are you sure you wanna do that?" I asked.
I was perfectly content just to suck on Ben all night long ... or bury my face in his ass (he had the most adorable 'dimple butt' I'd ever seen, by the way). I didn't want him to get weirded out or anything if he wasn't ready to reciprocate yet.
"Yeah, I'm sure," he said, sitting up and pushing me gently back onto the bed.
I had to give him credit for going at it with such enthusiasm, but it was obvious that this was most definitely Ben's first time giving someone a blow job. After having my dick scraped several times by his teeth, I needed to stop him. It was a matter of life and death ... for my penis. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or anything ... but when it comes to a guy's penis, you need to be really careful. He tried to apologize, but I just shushed him and told him we'd have plenty of time to practice in the future, which earned me a shy grin from Ben.
AWWWW! He was sooo cute!
With the blow jobs not working out too well, I motioned for Ben to scoot up on the bed and lie on top of me. With our chests and cocks pressed tightly together, we started to grind against each other. That ended up working out much better than our attempt at oral sex, and we were both really getting into it. Our soft whimpers from before had become much louder, as our hips ground together more and more feverishly, and we were practically sucking each other's tongues out of our mouths. Everything about Ben felt, smelled, and tasted so incredible, so boyish.
As our passionate grinding continued, my heart was beating so fast, I thought it was going to burst out of my body and fly away. One of Ben's hands was placed underneath me, on the small of my back, with the other planted firmly behind my head. My hands, however, were roaming all over Ben's body, running through his sweaty hair, and up and down his back and soft bubble butt, feeling his muscles as they tensed.
Then, with little warning, except for a slight gasp from Ben, I felt his cum spurting against my chest and stomach. Believe me, knowing that you've caused someone to really get off -- especially someone as gorgeous as Ben -- is one of the hottest experiences possible, and that was enough to drive me over the edge as well.
When we had finished unloading our cum all over each other, we collapsed into each other's arms, breathless, and held on for dear life. There was nothing that needed to be said. We had crossed into a new level in our relationship, and I couldn't have been happier or more satisfied -- physically or emotionally. I was most definitely falling for Ben ... big time. I just hoped he felt the same way about me.
When I woke up the next morning, Ben and I were still snuggled closely together, although that may have been due to the copious amounts of cum we had shot all over each other the night before, and the fact that we had been too tired to clean ourselves up and were now pretty much stuck together. I managed to un-stick myself so I could go pee, and when I came back, I lay back down next to Ben so I could watch him sleep. We hadn't gotten under the covers the night before, both because of the summer heat, and, I think, because we were both so worn out.
I was totally entranced by how amazingly beautiful he looked, even with his hair all messed up and a trail of drool running down his chin. It had been pretty dark when we were fooling around the night before, and since I'd been so horny, I hadn't really taken the time to admire him. But now, I could hardly believe that someone so incredibly gorgeous would want to be with me. Someone who wasn't even sure that he was gay. But it happened, and he wanted me.
After the emotional roller coaster I'd been put through by Ryan, I would have been happy just to have a cute guy to snuggle with. But Ben wasn't just a cute guy. He was sweet and gentle, and being around him was so easy ... no drama, no overwrought emotional stuff. We'd been friends for almost a year now, and our friendship was the most important ingredient in our new relationship. The other stuff just seemed to develop so naturally. When I'd first met the twins, I never would have thought something like this could have happened. It definitely took me by surprise. But this was one surprise that I really liked.
Watching Ben lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I was starting to feel a little emotional. And not wanting him to wake up and find me crying like a little wuss or something because I was "falling" for him, I decided to let him sleep, and go mess around on the piano until he woke up. I'd never been one to walk around without any clothes on. I always at least wore a T-shirt and boxer shorts. But that morning, I left the room naked -- knowing that no one else was going to be home -- and made my way to the basement, where I'd set up my own little music room. I'd never played the piano naked before, and the thought of it was kind of exciting.
I'd pretty much gotten over my classical music phase and was back to playing the kind of music that I really enjoyed, except that at that moment, I wasn't able to think of anything to play other than really sappy love songs.
Jesus, maybe I really am turning into a girl! I thought to myself.
I didn't like the thought of that. I didn't want to be one of those wussy, needy, whiney little girly boys. It was hard to contain myself, though. Part of me wanted to jump up and down and dance around the basement, giggling like a fool. I hadn't been this happy in a long time. Instead of doing that, though, I tried expressing myself on the piano. Before long, I felt a strong pair of arms wrap around me from behind, and inhaled Ben's familiar, boyish scent as he nuzzled his face into my neck.
"Good morning," he said, still sounding half asleep, as he gave me a big, wet kiss on the neck.
I just moaned in response.
I then turned around to face Ben, and noticed that he was just as naked as me.
"How about we stay like this for the next few days?" I suggested, with a wry grin.
Ben blushed a deep shade of red. "That'd be pretty cool."
I gave his balls a quick squeeze before pulling him down for a long, passionate kiss.
Who gives a fuck about morning breath when you're with someone you really, really, REALLY like?!?!
"So, what were you playing when I came down here?" Ben asked.
"Nothing, really. Just messing around," I replied.
"How do you feel when you're playing?" he asked.
That was a good question. Plenty of people had asked me how I played, but no one had ever really asked me how I felt when I played. It was a difficult question to answer.
"I'm not sure," I answered. "But there's a song I know that I think explains it pretty well."
"And you're gonna play it for me, right?" Ben asked, giving me a wink.
I blushed. "Sure, if you want me to."
With that, Ben pulled a chair up next to the piano, and I spread my fingers across the keys and started to play and sing.
I can't really explain
it, I haven't got the words
It's a feeling that you can't control
I suppose it's like forgetting, losing who you are
And at the same time, something makes you whole
It's like that there's a music playing in your ear
And I'm listening, and I'm listening, and then I disappear
And then I feel a change, like a fire deep inside
Something bursting me wide open, impossible to hide
And suddenly I'm flying, flying like a bird
Like electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me, and I'm free, I'm free ...
It's a bit like being angry; it's a bit like being scared
Confused and all mixed up and mad as hell
It's like when you've been crying
And you're empty and you're full
I don't know what it is, it's hard to tell
It's like that there's some music playing in your ear
But the music is impossible, impossible to hear
But then I feel it move me
Like a burning deep inside
Something bursting me wide open, impossible to hide
And suddenly I'm flying, flying like a bird
Like electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me, and I'm free, I'm free ...
It's a feeling that you can't control
I suppose it's like forgetting, losing who you are
And at the same time, something makes you whole
It's like that there's a music playing in your ear
And I'm listening, and I'm listening, and then I disappear
And then I feel a change, like a fire deep inside
Something bursting me wide open, impossible to hide
And suddenly I'm flying, flying like a bird
Like electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me, and I'm free, I'm free ...
It's a bit like being angry; it's a bit like being scared
Confused and all mixed up and mad as hell
It's like when you've been crying
And you're empty and you're full
I don't know what it is, it's hard to tell
It's like that there's some music playing in your ear
But the music is impossible, impossible to hear
But then I feel it move me
Like a burning deep inside
Something bursting me wide open, impossible to hide
And suddenly I'm flying, flying like a bird
Like electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me, and I'm free, I'm free ...
"That was incredible," Ben said, as soon as I'd finished playing.
"Well, that's how I feel," I said, blushing yet again. If only I could explain it so eloquently, though. For some reason, I didn't really have a way with words. So, music was often the best way for me to communicate -- especially when it really mattered. That's the way it had always been for me.
"So, we're really gonna spend the next few days naked?" Ben asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
I looked at him shyly and nodded.
And we did just that.
*******************************************************
"I'm really happy for you, Connor." I heard Ryan's voice from behind me, as I sat in the basement, fooling around on my electric piano.
Shit. I'd totally forgotten that he was supposed to be coming home today. I wasn't startled so much by him sneaking up behind me, as by the fact that he was actually talking to me. I wasn't prepared for that, especially after what had transpired right before he left for baseball camp. Not to mention, I wasn't sure exactly what he meant when he said he was happy for me.
"What do you mean?" I asked, eyeing him warily and turning around on the stool to face him.
Ryan was standing at the bottom of the basement steps, only about ten feet from where I was sitting, looking right at me. It was a little unnerving. The last time we had any kind of communication was when I flipped out and broke his door, and before that ... well, I couldn't really remember the last time he'd actually initiated a conversation with me.
"You and Ben," he replied. If he was trying to hide his emotions, he wasn't doing a very good job. He didn't look angry -- like I had when I found out about his "date" with Sally Bolero -- but he didn't look "happy," either, as he'd just claimed to be. To be honest, I really had no idea what the expression on his face meant. And how did he find out so quickly?
"How ...?" I asked.
"Delcondris told me," he answered, now looking down at the floor, shifting his weight nervously from side to side.
Shit! What am I supposed to say? I thought to myself. I wasn't exactly prepared to deal with this right now, nor had I been expecting him to walk right up to me and mention it. In fact, the only scenario I had envisioned was that he'd tell me how much of a hypocritical bastard I was for getting all pissy about him going out with Sally Bolero and then turning right around and dating Ben. Yeah, I was definitely not expecting this at all. I was at a loss for words, sitting there on the piano stool, fidgeting nervously.
"It's okay, Connor," he finally said, after several moments of uncomfortable silence. "You deserve someone like Ben. He'll treat you good."
Before his words had really sunk in, the first thought that came to mind was to correct his grammar, but I figured now wasn't exactly the most appropriate time for that. But what was I supposed to say?
"And I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry ... about everything," he added, his voice barely above a whisper. "I had a lot of time to think over the past three weeks, and I know how much of an ass I've been, both to Toby and you."
"Did you tell that to Toby?" I asked.
"Yeah, I did," he answered. "And I know I've got a lot of making up to do ... to both of you."
"I'm glad, Ry," I said. "But I'm with Ben now."
I wasn't trying to sound mean or hurt his feelings or anything. I was just stating a simple fact. Of course, I was glad that Ryan finally seemed to be coming to his senses, and considering our history together, I was sure that I'd be able to forgive him. But I was with Ben. I wanted to be with Ben. Ben was my boyfriend now. Even though we hadn't talked about the "boyfriend" thing, that's how I felt about it. And despite all the good intentions in the world, you couldn't just go back and change some things. Ryan needed to understand that.
"I know, Connor," he said. "I'm not exactly jumping up and down with joy, but I know he'll be good to you, and whether you believe it or not, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy ... and safe."
"Yeah, I know, Ry," I said.
"Maybe some day you'll let me explain things to you. You know, why I acted that way. I'm not trying to make excuses or anything, but I think it's only fair to let you know why."
"Yeah, I'd like to hear about it ... some day," I replied.
"So, do you think maybe we could try being friends again? Or brothers? Something like that, I guess. I've missed you," he said, in a shaky voice.
I knew what it was like to try to force back one's tears, and it was apparent that that's what Ryan was doing. I wasn't sure how we could be friends again. So much had happened, so many feelings had been hurt, and so many tears had already been shed. He looked so pitiful right then, and I could tell that he was being sincere. But what was I supposed to do about that now? Decisions had been made, the die had been cast, and sometimes there was no going back.
"Yeah, I think that'd be cool," I said, attempting a small smile.
"Cool," he said, giving me the biggest grin I'd seen from him in a long time.
"I'm really happy for you, Connor." I heard Ryan's voice from behind me, as I sat in the basement, fooling around on my electric piano.
Shit. I'd totally forgotten that he was supposed to be coming home today. I wasn't startled so much by him sneaking up behind me, as by the fact that he was actually talking to me. I wasn't prepared for that, especially after what had transpired right before he left for baseball camp. Not to mention, I wasn't sure exactly what he meant when he said he was happy for me.
"What do you mean?" I asked, eyeing him warily and turning around on the stool to face him.
Ryan was standing at the bottom of the basement steps, only about ten feet from where I was sitting, looking right at me. It was a little unnerving. The last time we had any kind of communication was when I flipped out and broke his door, and before that ... well, I couldn't really remember the last time he'd actually initiated a conversation with me.
"You and Ben," he replied. If he was trying to hide his emotions, he wasn't doing a very good job. He didn't look angry -- like I had when I found out about his "date" with Sally Bolero -- but he didn't look "happy," either, as he'd just claimed to be. To be honest, I really had no idea what the expression on his face meant. And how did he find out so quickly?
"How ...?" I asked.
"Delcondris told me," he answered, now looking down at the floor, shifting his weight nervously from side to side.
Shit! What am I supposed to say? I thought to myself. I wasn't exactly prepared to deal with this right now, nor had I been expecting him to walk right up to me and mention it. In fact, the only scenario I had envisioned was that he'd tell me how much of a hypocritical bastard I was for getting all pissy about him going out with Sally Bolero and then turning right around and dating Ben. Yeah, I was definitely not expecting this at all. I was at a loss for words, sitting there on the piano stool, fidgeting nervously.
"It's okay, Connor," he finally said, after several moments of uncomfortable silence. "You deserve someone like Ben. He'll treat you good."
Before his words had really sunk in, the first thought that came to mind was to correct his grammar, but I figured now wasn't exactly the most appropriate time for that. But what was I supposed to say?
"And I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry ... about everything," he added, his voice barely above a whisper. "I had a lot of time to think over the past three weeks, and I know how much of an ass I've been, both to Toby and you."
"Did you tell that to Toby?" I asked.
"Yeah, I did," he answered. "And I know I've got a lot of making up to do ... to both of you."
"I'm glad, Ry," I said. "But I'm with Ben now."
I wasn't trying to sound mean or hurt his feelings or anything. I was just stating a simple fact. Of course, I was glad that Ryan finally seemed to be coming to his senses, and considering our history together, I was sure that I'd be able to forgive him. But I was with Ben. I wanted to be with Ben. Ben was my boyfriend now. Even though we hadn't talked about the "boyfriend" thing, that's how I felt about it. And despite all the good intentions in the world, you couldn't just go back and change some things. Ryan needed to understand that.
"I know, Connor," he said. "I'm not exactly jumping up and down with joy, but I know he'll be good to you, and whether you believe it or not, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy ... and safe."
"Yeah, I know, Ry," I said.
"Maybe some day you'll let me explain things to you. You know, why I acted that way. I'm not trying to make excuses or anything, but I think it's only fair to let you know why."
"Yeah, I'd like to hear about it ... some day," I replied.
"So, do you think maybe we could try being friends again? Or brothers? Something like that, I guess. I've missed you," he said, in a shaky voice.
I knew what it was like to try to force back one's tears, and it was apparent that that's what Ryan was doing. I wasn't sure how we could be friends again. So much had happened, so many feelings had been hurt, and so many tears had already been shed. He looked so pitiful right then, and I could tell that he was being sincere. But what was I supposed to do about that now? Decisions had been made, the die had been cast, and sometimes there was no going back.
"Yeah, I think that'd be cool," I said, attempting a small smile.
"Cool," he said, giving me the biggest grin I'd seen from him in a long time.
For our world, the
circle turns again
Throughout the year we've seen the seasons change ...
Throughout the year we've seen the seasons change ...
Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved. No parts of this story may be copied, reproduced, in print or in any other format, without express written consent from the author.
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or dead are purely coincidental.
*Lyrics from "Seasons" (written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin), Copyright 1970, Dick James Music, Ltd.
** Lyrics from "Electricity" (written by Elton John and Lee Hall), from the musical Billy Elliot, Copyright 2005, Universal Music Publishing, Ltd.
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