As Ryan and I sat down in the
bleachers at the indoor pool, I suddenly realized that in a few minutes
I'd be seeing Toby and a bunch of other boys wearing nothing but
Speedos. I figured this would be my first big test as to where my
sexual attractions really lay. Just as that thought crossed my mind,
the swimmers began coming out of the locker room, and I noticed a few
really cute boys right away. But it wasn't until I saw Toby walking
out, his tiny Speedo clinging snuggly to his slender hips and pert
butt, a decent-sized bulge protruding in the front, and with his
swimmer's build that I couldn't mistake my physical arousal. I had to
readjust myself, hoping that Ryan wouldn't notice.
The meet lasted until noon, so I sat there bored out of my mind for two
hours. Like I've said, I'm not into sports, and the only three races I
really paid attention to were the ones Toby participated in. I was
thankful when it was over, and despite my boredom, I was happy for Toby
that he had won one second place medal. After he had showered and
changed, he met us outside. Fortunately, he seemed to be in a better
mood than earlier in the morning.
After we got in the car, Ryan announced that we would be going to the
mall to hang out. I'd never enjoyed spending time at the mall, and
didn't really get the concept of "hanging out." To me, it just seemed
like aimlessly wandering back and forth, looking in store windows, and
basically doing nothing. It's not like I really had much choice in the
matter, though, since I wasn't about to tell them I didn't want to go,
and at least I'd be there with Ryan and Toby. So, I figured it couldn't
be all bad.
The first order of business once we got to the mall was to get
something to eat. I was pretty hungry, but I imagined that Toby was
even more so after his swim meet. We all went to Burger King, stocked
on burgers, fries, and cokes, and then went to find a table.
"So, Connor, what do you feel like doing when we're finished eating?"
"I dunno. It doesn't matter to me," I replied, my lack of enthusiasm
most likely evident in my voice.
"Well, I need to do some clothes shopping, so why don't you go to the
arcade for a little while with Toby?" he asked.
I was just about as interested in hanging out in an arcade as I was in
sitting through a two-hour swim meet, but when Toby looked at me
expectantly, I couldn't exactly refuse.
"Sure," I agreed, trying to sound a little more upbeat, which elicited
a cute smile from Toby.
"Great. We'll meet up at the fountain in the center of the mall in
about an hour, okay?" Ryan asked.
"Okay," Toby and I replied in unison.
The time spent at the arcade, as I had expected, wasn't exactly
thrilling. I just watched Toby doing battle with various different
games and tried to look like I was enjoying myself when he would turn
around to smile at me. He'd asked me to play with him, but I'd
declined. He understood my dislike (actually, it was more like total
ineptitude) for video games. At least I enjoyed him smiling at me. I
glad to see that he seemed to have pulled out of his sullen mood from
earlier. Fortunately, we didn't engage in any serious conversation. We
were just two teenage boys hanging out at the arcade.
When we met up with Ryan at the fountain, he had several shopping bags
with him. When Toby kept trying to peek inside, Ryan had to keep
smacking him upside the head, which seemed to piss Toby off, as he kept
flipping off his brother whenever he wasn't looking. We walked around
the mall for a while, looking in some stores, but after about an hour
of that, I was ready to get the hell out of there. The mall on a
Saturday afternoon is a magnet for people, and as expected, it was
packed. That did little to help my problem of being around large
groups of unfamiliar people. Finally, Ryan seemed to notice my
discomfort, and we headed out to the car to go home.
It was already late afternoon by the time we got back to their house.
Toby and I crashed on the couch immediately, him wiped out from his
swim meet, and me tired from all that damn walking. Ryan checked the
messages on the answering machine. There were two messages, one from
his mom saying that she wouldn't be home until late because she had to
do rounds at the hospital, and one from some girl calling for Toby.
When Toby heard that message, he rolled his eyes and groaned. Ryan, on
the other hand, seemed to think it was pretty hilarious.
"You've got to stop ignoring your fan club, bro," he said with a wry
"Whatever," Toby replied, obviously annoyed.
"C'mon, bro, you're already fourteen. Isn't it time you got in a little
dating action?" Ryan asked teasingly.
If looks could kill, then Ryan would have been dead in an instant after
the look Toby gave him.
"Sorry, bud," Ryan apologized.
"You of all people shouldn't be talking to me about dating, asshole,"
Toby spat at him.
Ryan blushed and suddenly didn't look very comfortable. What was that all about?!
"Anyway," Ryan said, perking back up, "let's order a pizza and then
watch some movies or something."
Toby just grunted. For my part, I sat there trying to look invisible,
didn't want to get into the middle of whatever was going on between the
two of them.
"Is that okay with you, Connor?" Ryan asked.
"Sure, that's fine," I replied.
As soon as the pizza arrived, we scarfed it down, and then went
upstairs to Toby's room to watch a movie. Ryan decided that he wanted
to see the entire Lord of the Rings
trilogy from start to finish, even though Toby complained that they'd
seen it about a dozen times already. Toby acquiesced when I admitted
that I'd never seen it before. We all lay down together on Toby's bed
to watch the movie, with me in the middle as usual. This time, however,
Toby didn't try to cuddle up with me, and I was starting to get worried
about him. The atmosphere was totally different from the previous
weekend, when we'd all been goofing around and having a good time. I
wasn't sure if there was some kind of brotherly spat going on between
Toby and Ryan, or if it had something to do with me. But I wasn't about
to ask, so I just kept my mouth shut and watched the movie, which I was
By ten o'clock, Toby was out cold. I couldn't blame him since he'd had
an exhausting day. Despite their apparent hostility earlier, Ryan
still played the role of good older brother, and after turning off the
TV, he got Toby undressed and slid him under the covers, giving him a
gentle kiss on the forehead. At this point, I was wondering if I was
supposed to get in the bed with him, but Ryan took my hand and led me
out the door, which he closed quietly behind him.
"Come with me," he said. "I've got something for you."
"Ummm ... okay ..." I replied, feeling a little confused.
As we walked into Ryan's room, he closed the door and motioned for me
to sit on the bed. I can't deny that I was starting to have hopes that
Ryan was going to walk over and start kissing me, but those were
quickly dashed when he brought over the shopping bags he had gotten
from the mall and pulled out three boxes, one large, one medium-sized,
and one small.
"Open them," he said, grinning widely.
"What are these for?" I asked, not really sure why he was giving me a
gift. It wasn't like it was my birthday or Christmas, not that I got
gifts on those days to begin with.
"Just open them, silly," he said, giving me a nudge on the shoulder.
I opened the largest box first, and inside I found a really nice white
designer suit, similar to the one I wore when I performed at the pub,
but of nicer quality. Inside the box was also a frilly silk
I looked at him questioningly.
"Open the rest of them," he urged, still grinning.
Next, I opened the medium-sized box and found a pair of white shoes,
obviously meant to go with the suit. After another questioning look, he
motioned for me to open the last box. Inside that one, I found a pair
of John Lennon-style glasses, with thin-wire frames and magenta-tinted
lenses that matched the silk shirt. Needless to say, I was a little
confused by all of this.
"What's all this for?" I asked him.
"Well," he said, pausing for dramatic effect. "There's a talent contest
the school coming up in November, and I kind of signed you up to sing
and play the piano ... and I bought you this to wear."
"Ummm ... you did what?" I asked, a little stunned.
"A talent contest ... the Student Government Association holds one
year, and I wanted to show off your talent to the whole school," he
said, smiling sheepishly.
I was at a loss for words. I didn't really have a problem with
performing, but I was a little miffed that he hadn't even asked me
"I knew you wouldn't agree to it if I had asked you first," he said,
apparently reading my mind. "So, I just signed you up. And now
that I've spent all this money on a new outfit for you, you have to do
"Ryan, I really don't know if I want to do this. You know I like
performing, but the other kids are just gonna make fun of me," I said.
"No, they won't. They'll be so amazed at how incredible you are that
they'll shit their pants," he said, giggling to himself.
"Please, Connor, it'll be fun," he insisted.
"So when exactly is this talent contest, and what do I have to do?" I
"It's the weekend before Thanksgiving, which gives you almost a month
and a half to prepare. Sometime next week you need to go see Mr.
Tillworth, the drama teacher, and he'll give you all the details. I
signed you up to play two songs."
"Well, I dunno ..." I was trying to give him a hard time.
"Please! Will you at least do it for me?" he asked, sticking out his
bottom lip in a mock pout.
Now how was I supposed to argue with
"Okay, fine ... but you still didn't have to go buy me an expensive
outfit to wear just for that," I argued. "That had to have cost a lot
of money, and I know you don't have a job."
"No, I didn't have to, but I wanted to. I think it would look good on
you. You'll look like a fifteen-year-old Elton John," he chuckled. "As
for the money, I get a pretty big allowance every week, and other than
the occasional expenses for my car, I don't spend much, so I've had a
lot saved up. You know how much I like you, and I wanted to do
something nice for you. Consider it a bribe for you to participate in
the talent contest."
It certainly did look like something Elton John would wear, and I did
like it. I really wasn't into accepting gifts, especially not ones that
expensive, but coming from Ryan, I couldn't bring myself to turn it
down. Rather than getting all mushy, though, I decided to kid around
"You think I look like Elton John?!" I asked incredulously. "Are you
saying I'm short, fat, and gay?!"
He just laughed and ruffled my hair.
"No, stupid, you're short and cute," he giggled, causing me to turn an
extremely deep shade of crimson.
I noticed that he left out the "gay" part, although I wasn't sure
whether or not that was intentional.
Ryan's subtle flirtations were also continuing to frustrate me to no
end, but I still didn't have the balls to come out (no pun intended!)
and ask him if he wanted me
or anything. So all I managed to say was, "I'm not short. You're
practically the same height as me, dickhead!"
After trying on the outfit to make sure it fit (which it did), we took
turns taking our showers and getting ready for bed. At this point, I
assumed I'd be sleeping with Ryan, which was a relief. One more night
that I wasn't forced to have to make a choice between him and Toby. We
got into bed, Ryan wearing only a pair of boxer-briefs (God, he looked
hot!), and me wearing a t-shirt and boxers. I didn't feel comfortable
going shirtless around Ryan since I was ashamed of my physique, not to
mention the scars still partially visible on my back from the beating I
took the previous Wednesday.
This time after Ryan turned off the light, there was no waiting for him
to fall asleep before I was put in the "death grip," as he immediately
spooned up behind me and put his arm around me. It was a good thing he
was pressed up behind me and not the other way around, otherwise he'd
feel my obvious excitement poking him in the rear end.
"Good night," he whispered..
I shuddered slightly as his warm breath tickled my ear. At that moment,
I wanted so badly to tell him everything I was feeling, but I couldn't
bring myself to do it. What a wuss!
"Good night, Ryan," I answered softly.
On Sunday morning, I found myself
sitting at the breakfast table while Maggie was hovering over the
cooking breakfast. Both Toby and Ryan were still sleeping.
"Good morning, Connor, did you sleep well last night?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am, I did," I replied politely.
"Did you enjoy the swim meet?"
"Honestly, I'm not really interested in sports, but I was glad to be
there to support Toby. He did really well. He came in second place in
one of his races."
"That's wonderful," she said, obviously proud of her youngest son.
"Yeah, it was pretty cool," I agreed. "He's a really great guy, and I'm
glad we've gotten to be friends.
She looked over her shoulder and smiled at me.
"So, Connor, how have you been this past week? Any anxiety attacks?"
"No, ma'am. I got close a couple of times, but that was it," I replied.
"How about everything else? Is everything okay at school and home?" she
What's with the twenty questions?!?!
"Yes, ma'am, school is fine," I answered, purposefully leaving out any
information about home.
"And what about home?" she asked, apparently aware of my intentional
"Fine, ma'am. Just that my mom's really busy and all."
"Are you sure, Connor? I've been a pediatrician for a long time now,
and I've pretty much seen it all. You seem to avoid discussing any
details about your home life, and that bothers me," she said, again
turning her attention away from the stove and looking directly at me.
"Uhhh ... I didn't mean to ... everything's fine, really ... my mom's
just busy," I stuttered.
"Connor, I told you before, and I'll tell you again, just in case ...
if there is anything you need
to tell me, you can. Honestly, I'm a little worried about you, and I
can help you if you ask for it."
DID SHE KNOW ANYTHING?!?! SHIT!!! I
was sure I hadn't let anything slip, and I know she didn't see any of
the bruises on my back. Was this woman psychic or something?
"By the way, hon," she continued, "You've stayed here two weekends in a
row now. I really feel as though I should at least talk to your mom and
introduce myself so we're not all strangers. Could you at least give me
your phone number or her number at work?"
"Uhhh ... ummm ... I ... well ..."
"Good morning, mom, breakfast smells great," Ryan said jovially as he
walked into the kitchen, still wearing his boxer-briefs, and a t-shirt
he'd put on as well.
THANK YOU, RYAN!!!
"Good morning, dear," Maggie said with a smile. "It's unusual to see
you up and around before your brother."
"I think he was pretty wiped out yesterday. After the swim meet, we
went to the mall for a while. I'll go wake him up for breakfast if
you'd like," he said.
"No, that's okay," I jumped in. "I'll go wake him up." I didn't want to
be left alone with Maggie again for fear of the inquisition continuing.
"Okay, dear," she said.
With that, I went up stairs and knocked on Toby's door, announcing that
breakfast was ready and he was wanted downstairs.
"I'll be right down," I heard him say from behind the door. He sounded
a little out of breath. I wonder
what he was up to?
Shortly thereafter, we were all sitting around the table together,
eating a large breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and fried
potatoes and discussing our plans for the day. Toby didn't seem to be
the sullen mood he'd been in yesterday, but he was unusually quiet and
appeared to be a little pensive.
"So, what are you boys planning for today?" Maggie asked.
"I'm not sure. Maybe just hang around here, shoot some hoops, play some
video games, watch some DVDs, or whatever," Ryan replied.
"Don't you have to work again today, mom?" Toby asked.
"Nope. I've got the day off today, but I'm going to go shopping with my
friend Gloria in a little while. It's been a while since I've had a day
off, and as much as I'd like to spend time with my favorite teenage
boys, I need to get out and do something. I'll be home in time for
dinner, though," she replied.
"By the way, Connor's gonna sing and play the piano in the school's
talent contest next month," Ryan announced.
"That's great, dear," Maggie said, giving me a proud smile. "I'll make
sure to get off work that night to come see you. Maybe I can even get
to meet your mother?" She was giving me a pointed look that didn't make
me feel at all comfortable.
"Ummm ... yeah ... sure," I lied. There was a snowball's chance in hell
that my mother would ever come to see me at a school function.
After breakfast, Ryan, Toby and I cleared away the table and did the
dishes, and Maggie got her purse to leave. Once everything in the
kitchen was cleaned up, Ryan suggested we go out in the back yard and
toss around the football. Were they trying to teach me a new sport each
weekend or something? I'd just gotten down the art of dribbling a
basketball the previous weekend and wasn't too sure about my prospects
of being able to catch a football.
"C'mon, it'll be fun," Ryan chided. "I'll teach you how to throw and
catch. It's really easy."
"Ok, sure," I acquiesced.
I surprised myself (and I think Ryan and Toby as well) when I managed
to throw and catch the ball pretty well. Maybe I
wasn't a total klutz after all. After we'd tossed the ball around for a
while, however, the game started to get a little rougher, and the next
thing I knew I was tackled to the ground by Ryan. Feeling slightly
miffed by this sudden change to the game, I tried to tackle Ryan the
next time he got the ball, but since he was a lot stronger than me, he
just dragged me around the yard while I clung on to him for dear life.
It wasn't until Toby jumped in that we finally took him down, but not
without a struggle.
The next time I got the ball, it was Toby who tackled me, but rather
than getting up right away, he held me down, grinning at me. I felt
myself becoming slightly aroused at the situation, and I had no doubt
that he could feel it too ... even more so since I could feel that he
the same reaction. Eventually, I managed to wriggle free from his grip,
and decided I'd had enough football for one afternoon.
"Guys, I'm kinda tired. How about we go play video games or watch a
movie or something?" I suggested.
"Sure thing, bud. We never did get to finish watching Lord of the Rings," Ryan replied.
With that, we all traipsed back into the house, sweaty and dirty from
our impromptu game of tackle football. Ryan suggested that we should
all grab a shower before we started watching the movie. Toby suggested
coyly that he and I should shower together to "conserve water," which
earned him a glare from Ryan. He said he was just joking, but I wasn't
so sure about that.
Anyway, once we had all showered and changed, we were lying down on
Ryan's bed in our usual positions. We had gotten through the first part
of the trilogy the night before, so we started watching the second
part. It was obvious that they'd both seen it many times,
considering that they were able to recite much of the dialogue along
with the movie, but I was enraptured. I'd never seen anything like it
I started to lose my concentration, however, when I felt Toby inching
closer toward me. He eventually leaned in to me and placed his head on
my shoulder and his hand on my chest. I'm sure Ryan must have noticed,
but he didn't say anything, and I didn't have the heart to push him
away. Plus, it did feel comfortable. Maybe I was stupid for pining
after Ryan when I could have a really sweet, cute boy right now, but I
quickly brushed that thought out of my mind when I glanced up at Ryan
and saw how beautiful he looked right then. He was just so natural,
so boyish. When he noticed me looking at him, he gave me a wink, which
made my heart flutter momentarily. Yep, I definitely had a major crush
After six consecutive hours of Lord
of the Rings, Ryan and Toby went downstairs to start dinner,
after asking if spaghetti was okay with me. I wasn't one to turn down
any kind of food (unless maybe it was something like lamb's testicles),
so I heartily agreed. When they were gone, I lay back on Ryan's bed to
relax and try to make some sense out of my feelings. Fortunately, I'd
gotten lucky in not having to choose between Ryan and Toby when it came
to sleeping arrangements, but it was obvious to me based on his actions
earlier that Toby still liked me.
Between my reaction at seeing the Speedo-clad boys at the swim meet and
my growing feelings for Ryan (and
Toby as well), I'd pretty much decided that I was definitely into boys.
It wasn't any kind of big revelation or earth-shattering epiphany, nor
did it elicit the same kind of inner psychological turmoil or angst
that I'd heard many gay teenagers go through. There were too many other
issues in my life to let one more bother me.
With that thought, I closed my
eyes and took a brief nap.
Before long, Ryan was nudging me awake to go downstairs to eat dinner.
Apparently, Maggie had come home while I was napping and was sitting
down with everyone for dinner. The conversation was light, mostly
revolving around what we had done that weekend, how school was going,
and my reaction to the movie we had watched. Maggie was thoroughly
engaged in all of our conversations, taking obvious interest in what
everyone had to say, and she seemed especially proud of Toby's
performance at his swim meet. Heck, I was proud of him too. I suddenly
realized that I had forgotten to apologize for not going to Ryan's
lacrosse game the previous Thursday night.
"Ryan, I'm sorry I forgot about not going to your lacrosse game, but I
wasn't really sure if you wanted me there or not," I said.
"Of course I would have wanted you to come see me play, but I know
you're not really into the whole sports thing, plus I figured the game
might conjure up some bad memories," he chuckled.
I just blushed.
"I may not really understand the game, but it would be nice to watch
you play sometime ... from the safety of the stands, that is," I ribbed
"I don't think the stands are much safer either," Toby added, with a
That comment earned Toby a scowl from Ryan, and apparently a kick under
the table, as I heard a thud and saw Toby jump in his seat.
"So, Connor," Ryan said, turning his attention back to me, "what two
songs do you think you're gonna do for the talent contest?"
"I'm not sure. I think I'll definitely do 'Pinball Wizard,' but for the
other song I'm not sure yet whether I should do a ballad or another
"Have you ever considered playing with a band before?" he asked.
"I've played with the house band at the pub a couple of times. It was
fun, but I prefer playing solo," I replied.
"Anything else you like doing 'solo'?" Toby asked, with a devilish grin.
I got his subtle sexual innuendo, which caused me to blush, and Maggie
promptly smacked Toby playfully on the back of his head.
"C'mon, mom," Toby whined. "I'm a hormonal fourteen year old boy. I'm supposed to be curious about stuff
"Yes, but not at the dinner table," his mom scolded.
Toby just grunted and went back to shoveling spaghetti into his mouth.
After we finished dinner and cleaned up, the three of us settled down
to watch television. Just as I was thinking it was about time to ask
Ryan to take me home, Toby asked to speak with me for a minute in the
other room. Ryan regarded us curiously, but I just went along with it.
I couldn't really avoid Toby forever.
"Connor," he started. "I've hardly gotten to spend any time with you
this weekend, and we didn't even talk at all last week. Would you please stay the night again tonight
and sleep in my room with me?"
I knew that would not be a good idea, because I was pretty sure that if
I was in the same bed with Toby, who was not at all a subtle boy, he
would probably not just want to sleep. Plus, I was worried what Ryan
"I don't know, Toby," I said. "I really should get going. I don't want
to overstay my welcome, plus we have school tomorrow and my mom would
probably want me to be at home."
"Bullshit," he replied. "You said before that your mom's always gone
and doesn't care anyway. You've never called her once to tell her you
were staying here with us."
He had a good point, and before I could come up with a better excuse,
he started in again.
"Please, Connor!" he whined. "I really just want to spend some time
with you. I thought we were friends, but you've been avoiding me all
He was pouting, and the guilt trip he was giving me was starting to
break down my defenses. It was only one night, and perhaps since it was
a school night, he would just go to sleep and nothing would have to
happen. I really did want to stay, because I had no idea
what I'd run into if I went home, but I also didn't want to make things
more complicated in my relationships with Ryan and Toby.
"Sure," I sighed. "But I'm tired, so I really just want to go to sleep."
"No problem!" he beamed.
He then ran back to the kitchen to tell his mom that I would be staying
over again, which I was sure she'd agree to.
When I sat back down on the sofa next to Ryan, I told him what was up.
He seemed pretty indifferent. He was very hard to read sometimes. So, I
left it at that and continued watching television. When Toby came
bounding back into the living room, he was obviously excited, although
I noticed Ryan glance at him, rolling his eyes.
Since we had school the next day, we all headed upstairs at about
ten-thirty to take our showers and get ready for bed. I said "good
night" to Ryan, and then followed Toby into his room. I was really
hoping all we would do was sleep. I had been so happy staying with them
for the past two weekends, and things were already complicated enough.
I didn't need to add fuel to the fire by starting something with Toby
that could potentially damage the good thing I had going with all of
them. I just prayed that nothing would happen ... even though a certain
part of me was screaming, "Yes! Yes! There's a hot, red-headed fourteen
year old boy who wants to jump on you and make you cum until you pass
out!" Unfortunately, over the past week, that "part" was becoming
louder and louder. I knew I was headed for trouble.
As soon as Toby turned out the lights and crawled into bed with me, my
fears were confirmed when he quickly pulled me into a tight hug and
pressed his lips against mine. There was definitely a spark there, but
I managed to pull away quickly.
"Toby," I said, "I can't do this with you right now. I thought we
talked about this before."
"C'mon, Connor, you can't tell me you're not gay. You let Ryan and me
very affectionate with you, I've seen you checking me out, and I seem
to recall that you got a bit excited today when we were playing
football," he argued, all the while teasing my left nipple through my
shirt with his finger.
Dammit, he had me there. I had to try to figure some way out of this
without coming right out and telling him that I had a crush on his
"Yeah, I probably am attracted to guys, Toby," I said, "but I've still
got a lot of things to work out in my head. I care about you a lot, and
I love spending time with you. You're one of the most amazing boys I've
ever met, and I'm sure you'd make a great boyfriend. But I'm not
ready for this right now. It just doesn't feel right."
"Then when is it gonna feel right?" he asked. "I've been wanting you
real bad." He had a look of desperation on his face, making me start to
feel really guilty.
"I don't understand what you see in me, Toby," I replied honestly.
"Gimme a break, dude. You're adorable, you're sweet, you're gentle ...
you're just ... perfect," he said, as he gently brushed my cheek with
his hand. He looked so sweet and vulnerable right then, and part of me
just wanted to grab him and hold him tightly. But I couldn't do it.
"Please, Toby," I begged. "I just can't do this. I'm sorry. I
don't want to hurt you. I really do
care about you, and it's not often that I care about someone and have
them care about me in return. Believe me, you mean so much to me, and you're wonderful
in so many ways, but I really, really can't do this."
Toby looked hurt, but I didn't know what else to say. I was never good
with words, much less expressing feelings. I wished there was something
else I could say to make the pain go away. He really was perfect in
almost every way, and I was practically kicking myself for not agreeing
to be with him. I knew he could make me happy, and I knew that I would
be happy with him, but besides my growing feelings for Ryan, I was also
afraid that I didn't know how
to love Toby, or anyone. I'd never experienced that feeling before,
except with my grandmother, but that was a different kind of love
He looked up at me sheepishly.
"Are you really attracted to me? Are you sure you're into guys like
me?" he asked, barely above a whisper.
"Yes, I am," I admitted. "But I just can't be with you right now.
Please try to understand, Toby, I'm begging you."
He nodded. "I understand. It's not going to change my feelings for you.
But I'm not some bitchy, whiny kid, and I'll still be the best friend I
can to you and support you. I promise."
I felt a sudden weight lifted off my chest when he said that. That was
exactly what I needed to hear. I needed his friendship and support more
than anything. And I would do everything I could to keep that
friendship, although I knew that if anything happened with Ryan, that
might turn out to be a difficult thing to do.
"I know that we can't be together, Connor," he said, looking up at me,
"but could you just do one thing for me? Just this one thing is all I
ask, and then I promise I won't push you anymore."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Just let me kiss you ... I mean, really
kiss you ... one time ...
please. After that, I promise I'll back off."
The sad, almost pleading look in his eyes made it difficult to turn him
down. I mean, it was just one kiss, right? And he knew that it would
only be this one time, and I'd made it pretty clear that I couldn't be
"Okay, Toby, just this one time," I agreed, smiling warmly at him.
Toby immediately wrapped me up in his
and kissed me deeply, his tongue gently making its way into my mouth,
his fingers running gently through my hair. Even though I was now sure
that Ryan was the one I wanted to be with, the feeling of
kissing Toby was still incredible. He was so beautiful, so gentle, so
tender in every movement he made as our bodies were pressed closely
felt guilty giving in to this, not only because I knew that for now I
couldn't be what Toby wanted me to be, but because I felt
like I was somehow cheating on Ryan.
Unfortunately, teenage hormones can be a tricky thing, and I couldn't
stop. I was kissing him just as passionately as he was kissing me, our
tongues probing every inch of each other's mouths, and
I soon found myself lifting his t-shirt over his head and tossing it
onto the floor. He then returned the favor and we were again pressed
tightly together in a warm embrace, hands rubbing over each other's
naked torsos in a lustful frenzy. His skin was so soft and I could
feeling his muscles tensing as I worked my hands over his body. I
knew I should stop, but even
though I had just told him I couldn't do this with him right now,
telling him that I wasn't ready, I couldn't help myself. He was just so
sexy, so beautiful, so sweet ... and he was there, and he wanted me! Sure, Ryan gave me affection,
but he hadn't given me this!
By this point, I had lost the ability for any semblance of rational
thought, and as my hands gently cupped his perfectly round, pert little
bubble butt, my fingers began to move towards the top of his briefs to
slide them down his slim hips. Suddenly the bedroom door opened,
and Toby and I jumped apart. Standing
there in the doorway was Ryan, the look on his face completely
unreadable. Before I recovered from the shock, he turned around and
left the room.
"Ryan, wait!" I shouted.
But he had already slammed his door and turned his stereo up loud. It
was too late.
I buried my face in my hands, willing myself not to cry, but afraid
that this time I might not be able to hold back the tears.
"It's Ryan you want, isn't it?" Toby asked.
I just nodded.