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"Some Time Alone"

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole, that old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything.
What have I become?
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end.
And you can have it all
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt."

Nine Inch Nails...sometimes Trent Reznor's words speak to me, sometimes they inspire me. Sometimes they make me feel even worse than I usually do. I hardly even know why I listen to the music anymore. Do I do it to release the pain somehow, to get it all out of my system before it overwhelms me? Or do I just bring the pain to the surface long enough so I can wallow in self pity while the rest of the world goes on...not caring? Or maybe because we all have this deep sick need to know that there are other people who are miserable too. Isn't that why we read the paper, the tabloids, watch the news? To see the pain, the injustice, the murder, the somehow look at everyone else and say, "My life's pretty fucked up, but thank goodness I'm not THAT guy." I think we all take comfort in knowing that whenever we cry, whenever we're hurting, there's someone else out there who is getting it just as bad if not worse. Without that comfort, we couldn't survive. I'd hate to imagine what it would be like to think of going through this daily suffering alone.

It's weird thoughts like this that pass through my mind as I sit in my room alone, staring up at my ceiling, waiting for my big moment in the sun. Waiting for my signal from God saying, 'Here you go's your miracle.' That message never came. Blessed? Cursed is what I am. It's bad enough that I'm usually too insecure and shy to talk to people, but the fact that I'm gay doesn't really improve my chances of finding true love ever in my entire life. I'm already 14 and it seems that the few people who have caught my selective eye are either obsessively straight, not at all interested in even talking to me, or just out of my league. I find myself asking 'what's the point?' on a daily basis these days. Sometimes, even on an hourly basis. I don't understand people, and they don't understand me. The only difference is I actually care. I actually WANT to get to know them, I WANT to go out to all the parties and laugh and play and have people kiss me and love me and tell me I'm special. I always imagine myself to be this big popular icon in school, and everyone tells me they love me so much, but I just wave them off and tell them it's not true. I'd be modest, and everyone would love me all the more for it. It would be great, and they'd all know my name, and life would be amazing and true. But that fantasy never lasted for more than a few minutes...before my heart told me that none of it was real. I created my own little fantasy world, and everyone on the planet thought it was stupid but me.

I feel like I have so much love to give to somebody. To ANYBODY! Hello? Can anybody hear me? Jesus, do I have to burst into tears? Scream at the top of my lungs? Walk in to class with a loaded pistol before anybody will take a fucking hint and pay attention to me for a change? I'm a real person here for crying out loud! Am I not blond enough? Am I not 'blue eyed' enough? Am I not slim enough? Physically I've actually gotten to be recognized as good looking by some of the girls at school. But I get the feeling that it's not the looks that other people's me. Nobody cares, nobody listens, nobody loves me the way I'm willing to love them. And that fact is what sends me home everyday after school, feeling sorry for myself, listening to depressing music, and crying softly as I try to figure out why life, love, and the pursuit of happiness, is so easy for everybody else but me.

As far as me being proud of who I am? Ha! Why should I be? Not there's anything wrong with my feelings for other boys, I guess I'm stuck with them for life. But nobody has to know about it...ever. I plan to just shut myself up and not let them know that there's yet ANOTHER reason to shun me in the hallways, or whisper about me behind my back. Average life span is only, what, 70...75 years these days? I can wait it out. And if not....there's always 'other' options. And don't think for a second it hasn't crossed my mind. I probably wouldn't have the guts though.

There is one person in the whole world who knows my secret fantasies, and that's my uncle Frank. He's pretty cool for a thirty year old gay guy working at the local post office. And for some reason he has been the only one who gets me. The only one who understands my feelings. The problem is his experiences have made him somewhat hardened to things. I mean, it's like he thinks saying hello to the cutest guy in the whole damn school is no big deal. I try to explain to him why it would be catastrophic to take things so lightly, but he just fights with me, using that damn logic of his, to make everything seem so simple. It's not. 'Impossible' IS a word. It DOES mean something. Especially in my world. Still, even though I know he'll probably trivialize my problems and make them seem tiny and trifling, I find that he's the only one I can talk to. So I go to see him about three times a week, mostly to tell him what's going on in my life. Most of it bad. And I know he must get tired of hearing it every now and then, but who else am I going to tell? Who else would care? I don't even know if HE cares...but at least he makes an effort to pretend. It's more than I get from most people.

I sat outside on the gate in the parking lot, like I always do, and sure enough, Frank walked out at 5:07 PM like he always did. I could set my watch by him. " for another slam session, are ya?" He said.

"Yeah. You know me well dude." I stood up and followed him to his car, getting in. "It never gets any better, it either stays the same, or it gets worse."

"You are way too serious kid. Shouldn't you be out playing ball, or tag, or drinking alcohol, or buying guns and drugs or something?"

"I wish. Then I'd actually have some kind of 'interaction' with somebody." I heard my uncle Frank sigh and give me his usual 'shut up' look. He always hated my little self pity routine. "Sorry. I'll knock it off."

"Jamie, for a 15 year old, you should NOT be this sad all the time. You really worry me sometimes."

"I'm trying. It's just that I really need friends, REAL friends."

"So why don't you go make some?" He said. Oh great, here we go again. The LAST thing I wanted to hear was a 'there's nothing to it' speech.

He saw me slink down a bit and he knew exactly what I was thinking. "Oh riiiight. I forgot. Having friends would disturb your intense meditation everyday after school. Might even make you laugh once in a while."

"You're doing it again." I mumbled.

"Doing WHAT?"

"How am I just supposed to MAKE friends? Do you want me to just build a robot companion or something?"

"How hard can it possibly be to make a friend??? You say hello, he says hello, you find a common interest and 'BAM'...friendship. You make one friend, he introduces you to HIS friends, and they introduce you to their friends, and before you know it you're running for student council president. It's not really a struggle you know."

"It's not that easy, okay? All the good friends are....I don't know....taken or something."

And then Uncle Frank actually snickered a little bit! He was actually LAUGHING at me!!! And when I asked him what was so funny, he burst out laughing even louder! "Oh great Frank! Just great! Make fun of me, why don't ya? You're a really big help dude!" I said, and pouted silently in my seat.

"I'm sorry kid. But you know that IS pretty damn ridiculous, what you just said. You'll get it one of these days Jamie. I promise'll understand." He put a hand on my shoulder to comfort me with a smile, but after hearing him laugh at me I really wasn't in the mood to really talk anymore. It was a weird relationship we had sometimes. Sometimes it felt good to get things off of my chest, sometimes he seemed to take pleasure in my torture. I just didn't want to buy what he was selling me. The whole, 'love will tap you on the shoulder' philosophy was all bullshit. It's been so long, I wouldn't know love if it punched me in the stomach for looking too hard. I think that somehow I feel better being down like this. Like the angels can see my tears, my pain, my suffering. I feel like I'm building up this incredible amount of karma that's going to kick in any day now. That one day the hands of fate will one day say, 'he's had enough...let's give him his chance to be happy.' I'm just hoping I can live long enough to see the day when my guardian angel gets off his ass and does his job for a change.

Frank dropped me off, and I went inside to wallow for a few more hours before going to bed. Eventually all this pain is going to pay off, I just know it. I've paid my dues, and it's time to get something back. I went to sleep that night, tossing and turning as the empty feeling inside of me twisted my guts into a knot. It's like trying to sleep on an empty stomach when you haven't eaten for almost three days...but worse. Because it's not just your stomach that hurts, it's all of you. EVERYTHING feels empty, your fingers, your toes, your heart, your mind, everything. It's just an awful feeling, and no matter what you do, it doesn't go away until it's ready. It won't be ignored, and it won't be forgotten. This is what I have to look forward to in the years to come.

The next morning I made the effort to actually go to school, but only because I didn't need my parents getting on my case about it. I think I actually made it up until the third period without my heart screaming for me to go home. It was so bad that I would look at everybody else in the halls, laughing and having fun, and I hated them for it. To hell with them all! They didn't want me to have what they had? Fuck 'em! So by 11 AM I was ready to leave for the day, and I decided to at least have an excuse. So I went to the nurses office to tell them I had a stomach ache. That was the perfect illness to have, you know? A stomach ache or nausea...maybe dizziness too. Because they can't prove it, they can't take your temperature and tell you you feel fine. Nope, they HAD to just take you at your word, and it was the ultimate loophole in the high school health system. Not like junior high. In THAT place, unless you had been physically decapitated in gym class, you weren't going ANYWHERE. Anyway, today was a good 'stomach ache' day.

I sat down to wait with some of the other kids who were obviously trying to pull the same trick. I messed up my hair a bit, and focused on that empty feeling inside to make the stomach ache seem more real. Who knows? Maybe deep down it WAS real. Geez, you'd think I would have grown an immunity to all this pain by now. I attempted to ignore it for a second or two to avoid looking to sad, but as I was getting into character another boy walked in, someone I had never seen before. He quietly entered the room and sat down in the chair across from me. I looked for a second, and then went back to getting ready. As I sat there, I felt compelled to look again. I don't know what it was really, but he kind of stuck out in some way. I didn't want to stare, but I couldn't help it, he was actually kind of cute. Not outrageously so, but damn attractive if I must say so myself. He was sitting down across from me, and I saw him getting into 'character' as well. He even brushed back his eyebrows to make them looked ruffled. Good technique. I'll have to remember that.

I watched him a bit longer, cherishing every detail. He had the softest looking light brown hair, mushroom cut and hanging to the temples. He had big sparkling blue green eyes that were hypnotic to say the least. They were huge, like the kind of eyes you could see clearly from across the room. So beautiful. His lips were so cute, erotically shaped. Like maybe he had braces at one time, but not anymore. And his skin was without a single flaw. Creamy and soft, tinted with the most fragile of tans. He was a bit taller than me, and a slim trim sight to behold. I tried repeatedly to ignore him and concentrate on something else, but my eyes kept returning to him. I watched him every few seconds, unable to think about anything else. What did he sound like? What did he think about? What was his name? This kid intrigued me, and I wanted to know more, but suddenly he looked up at me, and I felt a huge rush of fear sweep over me. It nearly knocked me unconscious! His wonderful eyes must have been struck just right by the light because it was enough to take my breath away. When he looked at me, his head lifted slightly and his silky brown hair moved erotically in time with his motions, washing backwards slightly, bringing more of his milky white skin into view. Was it me, or was everything suddenly moving in slow motion? I quickly turned away. Did he see me, did he know what I was thinking? Dammit Jamie, quit being so queer and just ignore him!

"Hi..." He said. Wow, cute voice. A bit more gentle than I expected, too. And that was such a turn on. The nurse called in the last person in front of me, and it was just the two of us left.

"Hey" I replied. But it was so quiet that I doubt he heard me. What now? Do I say it again? Louder this time? No...what if he did hear me? Then I'll be saying it twice, and he'll think I'm some kind of nerd or something. Why didn't I just say it right the first time?

I didn't say anything else, and I guess he must have just written me off as another dork because he never said anything else either. He just sat there. Come on kid! Say something else...I'll respond this time. I promise! But he didn't, and that empty feeling returned. This time with a vengeance. You see? THIS is why I'm so damn alone!

I began to sink lower and lower, feeling my spirits being crushed under the weight of my misery, and it was all I could focus on. Soon, I had forgotten he was even there. I decided to take one more look, and when I did, he was looking back at me. "So...taking a stomach ache day off, huh?" He said with a smile. Not a normal smile, but a very shy smirk, one that almost wasn't visible unless you looked at him hard enough...and believe me I was.

"...yeah..." I said quietly. It seemed like there was a hand around my throat, choking me, keeping me from speaking at 'normal' levels. I needed to at least try. Uncle Frank would be proud. how do I keep this going...I know. "How about you?" Okay, ball's in his court. Cool. I'm doing it...I'm actually communicating here. And he's cute, so that's a plus.

"Yeah...same. Getting out of a History test. You?"

"Um...well, actually...I'm not ditching for a reason. I just don't want to be here today." I said, and he gave me an inquisitive look.

"" Oh he thinks I'm strange! He's probably wondering 'what the hell is THIS kid's malfunction?' Did I blow it? Dammit, I should have kept my mouth shut. Just before I got the chance to stumble around and say something in response, the nurse called me in to get checked out. I didn't even say good bye, I just left him there. All the better, no reason for me to embarrass myself any further. So goes another disappointing day in the life of Jamie. But I'm not gonna cry about it, I mean who was I fooling? Even if there was a chance to make a friend out of that guy, which there wasn't, it never would have gone beyond that. He could never look at me the way I look at him, he could never hold me or kiss me or chase the demons away with his touch. Besides, if we did become friends, he'd probably get bored pretty quickly. I didn't have a whole lot to offer him, not at all. We'd hang out a couple of times, he'd find out what a mistake he made in me, and then he'd just ignore me until I went away. He'd become one of THEM. Sigh...God bless the man who invents a cure for this kind of pain.

Cough cough, owie owie, I don't feel good, blah blah, blah. I didn't have to put on much of a performance for the nurse to let me go. She was either incredibly gullable, or she just didn't care enough to wonder if it was true or not. It was just a written slip and a pretend call to my mom and I had my freedom. I walked out of the office to see my cute little buddy waiting for his turn. His eyes met mine right away and he looked like he was trying to say something, his sexy lips parted slightly, his big eyes staring in my direction, but I kept walking. I was too scared to talk to him. The last thing I wanted to do was make myself even more un-likeable than I already have. I left and never looked back, travelling home heartbroken, already thinking about the soft sad music that I'd be listening to when I got there.

I plopped back on my bed, and my eyes went back to the ceiling. After staring at it for so long, for so many months now, it had become my only friend. The only thing that I could believe would always be there for me. There was a single spot, a slight imperfection in the plaster, that stuck out, and it always captivated me. My eyes were drawn to it first, and stayed there until I got up again. That one spot related to me somehow, because that's how I felt. Like I stuck out, the world's little imperfection that spoiled the harmony of everything surrounding it. Sometimes, I look at that spot and cry. Because it seems so alone, so desperate for attention, so different from the rest. It was permanent and it would never be able to change its position no matter how much it wanted to. It was stuck, forever trapped in a place where it just didn't fit in. That's how the world seemed to me, and in that small flaw I found a companion, something to share the pain with.

But while concentrating on that dot, something else filled my mind. Thoughts of that cute boy in the nurse's office. I thought about him, his looks, his body, his smile, his clothes, his voice. I pushed the idea aside for a second or two, but then it came back, again and again. I found myself wondering what it would be like to talk to him, to tell him who I was, who I 'wanted' to be. I thought about having him lay next to me on my bed, staring at that same dot on the ceiling and asking me to explain it to him. I felt like I had known him all my life or something, like he would, for some odd reason, 'understand'. Like he could talk to me and actually listen to a reply. Maybe he was the only person in existence who could.

It was then that I thought about the conversation we had, if you could call it that, and I realized what an asshole I was. I didn't even talk to him! He was actually trying and I let it go! Dammit! And with those thoughts, I felt ten times worse. Finally, someone who had even a slight possibility to love me for who I was, and I threw it away. Great, just great. And suddenly I had to roll onto my side, curling up to cry it out again. The depressing music on my cd player spoke to me, playing me as an instrument to turn the painful lyrics into actual, physical emotion. Certain verses made the tears even worse, and it hurt to breathe. I don't want to live like this. Not anymore. I want what everybody else has. I want friends and love and care and attention and all the little extras that are so harshly lacking in my life. I've got to go see Uncle Frank, he'll be good for a laugh. Or at least he'll laugh at me and make me angry enough to get rid of this emptiness for a while. At least anger can be directed AT something, depression can only be pulled inward, and it hurts so much more.

Same time, same place. 5:07 PM, and Frank comes walking out to greet me as always. "You don't have anything good to say today, do ya?" He said, knowing my routine.

"I'm...I'm sorry if I'm bothering you...I just.." I almost broke down again, and Frank saw something different in me this time. He gave me a very concerned look and asked me to climb into the car so we could go for a ride. "Thank you Frank...I mean it."

We drove for a few minutes in silence before he spoke. "This isn't your normal bitch and moan face Jamie. There's really something wrong this time, I can tell."

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."

"I can't help you if you won't talk about it."

I didn't know what to say, and I felt warm tears start to roll down my cheeks. "Why do people hate me? Why can't I just blend in like everybody else?" The words leaving my mouth made me cry even harder.

" one hates you."

"Yes they do. All of them. They don't want to be around me, they don't want to talk to me, they avoid me and laugh at me behind my back. I tried to talk to this boy today, and he probably just thinks I'm a jerk."

"They just don't know you kid. What you've got to do is pull yourself out of this funk and let them see the beautiful person that you can be."

"But that one guy today, I was really trying to talk to him. It was in the nurses office, and I honestly tried to say something halfway intelligent...and...and I just couldn't. I mean, shit Uncle Frank, I don't even think I have the 'ability' to talk to someone cool. If he ever saw m again he'd probably just turn his head and pretend like I wasn't even there."

"Jamie, listen to me, until you are able to love yourself, no one else is going to. You can make friends in school if you want to...really WANT to. You hide from them, that's why they can't relate to you. It just takes a little confidence is all."

I cried a bit more, unable to stop the waterworks at this point. "I was so nervous, why would he ever want to relate to me anyway?"

Frank was quiet for a few seconds, looking over at me for a second. "...He?"

"The kid in the nurses office."

He was quiet for a little bit longer, and then a smile broke out on his face. NOT now! This is not the time for him to laugh at my misery! This was really hurting!!! Take me fucking seriously!!! That's when Frank looked at me with that stupid smirk and said, "Michael Felder."


"He was my tutor for French, froshman year of high school. Blond hair, green eyes, cute little button nose, nice ass. His name was Michael Felder, and I can still smell that sweet scent on that soft sweater that he used to wear all the time."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, upset that the subject had suddenly gone astray.

"He would try to get me to pronounce everything right, teaching me how to make each individual sound. He would lean over me to help me with problems in our work book. But I was never paying attention. He was so beautiful. He captivated me in every possible way, and I didn't even realize it until the pain set in. I was in love. I didn't know when it started or where it came from, all I knew was that it was there for the moment and I was going to enjoy it."

"Are you trying to say I'm in love? Cause I'm not."

"I don't have to say anything. You already did. Suddenly you've gone from 'why does the whole world hate me' to 'why does HE hate me' and believe me when I say, that's the first step."

I began to get upset and glared over at him. "I TOLD you, I'm NOT in love! I don't even know his name!"

"Does that matter?"

"Of COURSE it matters! I just wanted to talk to him, that's all."

Frank smiled even wider, like he knew exactly what I was talking about and I didn't. "Let me guess noticed him as soon as he walked through the door right. Couldn't help but stare. Wanted to know everything about him. Wanted to hear his voice, know his name. Wanted to talk to him but you were too nervous. It was like there was a hand around your throat to keep you from talking..."

WHAT??? Was he reading my mind or something? "NO! Shut up! So what?"

"Did you look him in the eye Jamie, or were you scared? Let's see...maybe you feel like you've known him before, somewhere else. Like finding the other half of your soul. You felt right away like he had some kind of deeper understanding of who you were, and you wanted to share it with him above all others? It frightened you because you felt so in tune with him, like you wouldn't be good enough for him, like you had nothing to offer him. But you couldn't stay away if you tried. There's a word for that's love. Or at least a deep crush." He grinned.

I thought about what he was saying, about how he described my feelings, and I prayed that he was wrong. How can I fall in love with someone? What if he hates me? I couldn't bare to know that he didn't feel the same. It'd kill me. But even though Frank had gotten everything about right, I denied it anyway. "I'm not in love, okay? I'm just...using him as an example."

"Fine...whatever you say." He said with a smirk. "But just let me make you a deal and I'll drop it. We'll make a little bet out of it, okay?"

"What do you mean?" I said, wondering what he was up to now.

"If you can go to school tomorrow, for a whole DAY, you know, like 'most' kids do? If you can go to school and not let this kid cross your mind once during the day, if you can concentrate without him popping up, if you can honestly forget about him, then I'll never talk about it again."


"BUT...if you go tomorrow and find yourself looking for him, wondering what he's doing, what he's thinking, where he is, what classes he's taking, or anything else. If you feel nervous, if you find yourself thinking about him constantly...then you have to approach him the next time you see him."

"I have to WHAT???"

"You have to approach him! You have to say hello, and you have to ask him what his name is. Deal?"

"NO WAY! That's not fair!"

"Hey...I thought this was going to be a piece of cake Mr. 'I'm-Not-In-Love'? What have you got to lose?"

I sat there and grumbled and twisted for a few seconds before finally saying, "....grrr...alright. But he's just gonna tell me to scram or something."

"I thought you were going to win?"

"I AM going to win! I'm just know...just in case..." And Frank smiled at me again, and I actually blushed a little bit. Bastard. He's turning me into a goofball.

I went home to assume the position on my bed, looking up at that same distracting flaw, seeing it's likeness and comparing it to me in every way. Sigh....tomorrow. Ok, I'll be honest about this whole thing. I swear, if what Frank said happens tomorrow, then I'll do it, no biggie. But it won't happen, it just won't...nope. I won't be thinking about him at all. I'm not even thinking about him NOW as a matter of fact. So I don't even have to worry about talking to him tomorrow, because that was the deal. Of course...if I DID end up losing the bet....I'd probably HAVE to talk to him. So...I should probably wear something...I don't know...'sexy' or something. I'll wear my lucky shirt. Yeah. I hope he likes red...yeah, I'll wear my lucky red shirt. I'll just get it out of the closet right now so I won't forget tomorrow. And I need some good pants to go with it...and I think my shoes could use a little I have any of that cologne left....?

Three hours and a complete inventory of my entire wardrobe later, I actually found myself excited to go to school the next day. I remember waking up thinking about him. My cute little light brown haired, blue green eyed angel. No, wait...this is not how it's supposed to go. I'm supposed to actually LOSE the bet first. Ok...I'll just shower and dress up and make sure my hair is perfect, and voila...I'm off to the races. And to hell with 'what's his name'! I trotted off to school and believe it or not, the second I stepped in the door, I felt it. That little psychic nudge in the back of my mind. Something that made me look up and take notice of everyone around me. I tried to block it out of my head, but I couldn't. I was LOOKING for him! Actually searching the crowd for that one quick glimpse of this kid that I had only seen for about five minutes the day before. I guided my eyes back to the floor, where I usually keep them when I walk through the halls, but the 'feeling' was still there. I still wanted to know if he was out there in this river of high school kids. I wondered if every laugh I heard was his, if every pair of shoes I saw belonged to him, if every locker I passed was holding his, this was just odd. Finally, an actual reason to STAY in school. I suddenly couldn't fight it anymore and raised my head to scan the hall for that sweet face of his. No luck though, and soon the bell rang.

All of my morning classes could have been taught by a gorilla in a plaid green dress and I wouldn't have noticed. I thought about him every second. And not in a sexual way, just...wondering who he was talking to at that very moment. Or maybe he was thinking. Or maybe he was raising his hand to answer a question, and he had to brush his hair out of his eyes to see straight. That would be SO cute! Grrr...geez, I'm starting to sound like one of those girls who writes in to the teeny bopper magazines. Get a grip Jamie, it's just a fantasy.

I actually made it all morning without walking out once. I had almost forgotten that I even HAD afternoon classes. I went into history to see Mr. Schwick's usual grumpy old man routine. "Well, well, well...look who decided to drop in for a change. It's been a week Jamie, I was starting to think you weren't coming back. I had to give your seat to the new kid." He said frowning. Like I gave a damn.

I turned to take the seat next to my old one, and who did I see? It was HIM!!! He was here! In MY class! My history class!!! Oh...oh wow!!! I was just standing there on shaky legs, unable to move. And then I remembered what he said in the nurse's office when I asked why he was there. "Yeah...same. Getting out of a History test. Wow! So he was ditching THIS class? He's in my class! Better...he's in my SEAT! And I'll be sitting right next to him! Woo Hoo!

I finally got the strength to move forward, and by the time I got close enough to sit down, he looked up from his notebook and saw me. Oh wowwwww....his eyes were sooo gorgeous. Ok, I didn't mean to come into this whole thing being all mushy and dumb, but once I saw him again it just overwhelmed me. "Hey...I didn't know you were in this class." He said smiling timidly. His voice, even more delicate than before. Sigh...

"Um...y-y-yeah. I just...I don't"

"Tummy ache? Gotchya." And his smile got wider. Whoah, he said 'tummy'! And it was so cute the way he said it too. I think that's my new favorite word. He had the whitest teeth, and his hands looked so cool. Well...hands can be sexy too ya know.

"Heh heh...yeah. Tummy ache..." I stuttered nervously, and then I sat down beside him.

He grinned, and we both turned to look at the board. We didn't say anything for the rest of the class, but every once in a while, we would look at each other and giggle to ourselves. I always tried to look when I didn't think he'd catch me, but he always did. It was great. I think it was the most I had smiled in ages. Just getting that attention from him was enough to make me blush and grin with the best of them. That hole in my heart, that deep black void in my soul, suddenly saw a tiny light piercing through the darkness. And it brought a warm fuzzy feeling to drown out that infinite cold. That history class was never so uplifting.

Finally, the class was over and I got up to leave. "Well...bye." I said, and started to walk away before I started laughing out loud. I don't know why that sudden urge to giggle swept over me, but it was hard to keep from bursting out into a fit of pure hysteria.

"Hey...wait...I don't even know you're name." He called out as he caught up to me at the door.

Oops...I had completely forgotten to ask. was my name again? " name's Jamie."

"Cool. Eric. Pleased to meet ya dude. Hey, maybe we could go hang out or something sometime?"

WOW!!! No way! He just...he just said we could hang out! He just walked right up and asked me! Sweet! I've GOT to tell Uncle Frank! "Sure, that would be cool!" I said, and before he could say another word,I ran off before he had the chance to change his mind. This is like the best day of my life! YES!

5:07 PM, same as always. My uncle came out of the back door, and when he saw me this time, he smiled. I couldn't help but break out into a little fit of giggles myself, and he must have known what happened because he ruffled my hair and said, "Go ahead and get in the car ya little heartbreaker you!" It was actually FUN to be alive.

"So you talked to him, huh?"

"BETTER Frank! He's in my history class!"

" mean you might actually have to stay in school past third period? Look out world, educated man on campus, coming through." He said. He honestly sounded like he was excited for me, and I just fed off of it, making my own excitement fly through the roof. I felt like I wanted to get out of the car and just run home! I had that much energy. "So...what's his name?"

"ERIC!!! Cute isn't it? Eric...Eric...oh man Frank...I'm just so...I can't explain it!" I was inflating more and more every minute, and the more I talked about him, the more I fell in love. I knew it was a dream, I knew I was getting my hopes up too much, but God did it feel good. It was great having a goal again in my life, having something to look forward to.

"I'm very happy for ya kid. See how easy that was? So when are you two going to get together to hang out?" He asked.

"I don't know yet." I replied, still smiling.

"You don't know yet? Well you guys traded numbers or something didn't you?"

"Nope...not yet." Frank looked a bit puzzled for a second, and I didn't get it. What did I do now?

"Well, Jamie...what exactly did you talk to him about?"

"Nothing really. He just said, maybe we could hang out sometime. And I said that would be cool."

"That's it?"

"Yep! were right. There's a word for how I'm feeling right now...'love'." I said, and giggled to myself.

"Yeah...and there's a word for how HE'S probably feeling right now's 'rejection'." Frank said. Hold on...stop the presses. What's he talking about. I looked over at him and he continued. "Jamie...saying 'maybe we can hangout sometime'...that's not just a random statement. That was an invitation. You're supposed to trade numbers or go somewhere after class or something. He's trying to meet you."

"Oh?" I thought about it...and once again, I mentally had to slap myself in the forehead! Dammit! I just came off looking like a geek...AGAIN! What he must think of me! "...well, I didn't know!"

"It's okay Jamie, really."

"No it's NOT! What do I do??? What if he thinks I was being insincere about it? What if he thinks I'm blowing him off or something! Oh shit..I really screwed this up didn't I?" I was frantic, and I must have been speaking 100 words per second, because Frank reached over and put his hand over my mouth to shut me up.

"Jamie...calm down! It's not screwed up, just ask tomorrow. Ok? Don't worry about it." He took his hand away, and I tried to remain calm. But I was thinking about it a bit more, and it seemed like reality and fantasy began fighting for supremacy in my mind. That's when Frank noticed I had been silent for too long. "Don't do it Jamie."

"Don't do what?"

"Over-analyze. Just relax and enjoy it. You're gonna think yourself right out of a friendship if you keep second guessing everything."

He was right, but I couldn't help it. I kept thinking about it more and more and the more I looked at my options, the more far-fetched they seemed. And that's when I thought about what he said, and repeated it back to him sadly. "Friendship.....right."

Uncle Frank was quiet for a few seconds, but he knew what was on my mind. "You want more...don't you?" He asked. Just the tone of his voice suggested doubt. Like he was getting ready to prepare me for the harsh fact that my chances are extremely slim.

"He's just...he's really cool Frank. So cool. It would be so awesome if he could just..sigh...I really like him, you know?"

"I know babe, I know. Just be careful with your heart, okay? Slow down a bit, and look before you leap. It's the only advice I can give you." And with that, he rubbed my shoulder and drove me home.

The next day in school was a Friday and I figured that maybe I could try again and just smooth everything over with Eric. Hopefully he didn't hate me too much. I can just imagine him thinking 'this jerk just blew me off' when I ran off the day before. I can't do anything right. But what would be the point of pursuing this any further? How far could it go? How often do you find someone who's gay and cute and funny and close by and just happens to get along with you all in the same person? Highly unlikely. If I had met him on the internet and he lived a billion miles away, then it might make more sense. But fate just doesn't put soul mates that close together on this planet. 'Soul mate'....listen to me...he's not my soul mate, he's not even my friend yet. Why couldn't I just be somebody else? Somebody cool and beautiful and easy to talk to. Then Eric would like me. Then he'd be the one who's scared and shy and everything. Shit...gotta keep this negative vibes off of me!

"Peek-a-boo!" Came a voice from behind me in the hall. I turned to see Eric's killer smile directed at me up close. Wow...he was so damn delicious, and his eyes pierced right through me. I was instantly speechless, and my insides began to tremble and inflate. I felt like I was floating away, unable to tether myself to the ground any longer, and my breathing almost came to a complete stop.

"H-h-hey...Eric.'s not even time for history yet."

"Hehehe I AM here all day, you know? I just thought I'd stop by and say hello. I saw you over here by the lockers and you looked like you had something on your mind." He cared...he really did. The very thought that I even crossed his mind was so incredibly special to me that I almost burst into tears. Yeah Jamie..try to explain THAT one.

"Cool. Thanks." And then it looked like he was expecting me to say something else, but I didn't. I couldn't. You can't imagine how hard it is to talk to someone you love so much. To wonder if every word is being judged from the second it's processed in my mind. I wanted so badly to just make him see in me what I saw in him...but deep down I knew I didn't possess that kind of beauty.

"Um...well...Ill see you later, okay?" Eric said, and he began to walk away. I'm LOSING him! Dammt, he's gonna think I don't like him! I DO Eric, I DO!!!! Please believe me! SAY SOMETHING JAMIE!!!!

" me give you my phone number." I blurted out. I probably should have built up to that, but I wasn't quite sure what else to say.

He said, "Really? Ok, cool." And he started looking in his bag for something to write on. As he rummaged around, my heart began beating faster and faster. Omigod! I'm actually gonna give him my number! He'll be able to, like, CALL me....anytime he wants! Oh man! I was shaking so hard it was hard to stand still. And then he put his bag on the floor and got down on one knee to search more thoroughly. His head went down and his light brown locks fell into his eyes. His pants had tightened slightly in that position, conforming to his sleek and sexy teen body in the cutest way. My eyes traced over the fabric of his jeans over his tastey calves, to his soft and tender thighs, to the sensual curves of his succulent, firm, round, youthful bottom as it stuck out slightly behind him. I began to notice the swelling in my pants, and prayed that he found that damn piece of paper before I gave myself away. Hurry...hurry...don't know how long I can keep from kissing you baby!

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of teasing, he just grabbed something and said, "Here dude, just write it on this." I copied down the number and gave it back to him with a shaky hand. I did it, I actually did it. He smiled at me and said, "Ok, great. I'll call you this weekend and we'll get together and do stuff. Sweet...I'll see you later." Then he walked away slowly, and he kept smiling, and saying goodbye. What if he liked me? Like, in that way? What if he did, what if he really did? That would be so cool. cool. I was standing there in the hallway, by myself, unaware that the rest of the kids had gone to class, and it took me a moment to figure out that maybe I should be somewhere else myself. I couldn't WAIT until this weekend!

In history class, Eric seemed much more friendly, and we actually talked more this time around. And every word that he spoke might as well have come straight from the Bible as far as I was concerned. We were really getting close and there were a few times when the urge to touch him became so intense that I pretended that he had lint on his shirt just so I could wipe it away with my hand. He must have thought he had been infested with lint balls by the time I was through. It's just that touching him was pure magic. He was so soft in some places, and he radiated this sexual heat from every pour. Once my fingers came into contact with his chest, my erection would spring to attention and I'd have to pull back to keep from giving myself away. At one point he actually said, "Hehehe, well damn! How many pieces of lint could I possibly have on me? Maybe I should just take this shirt off and walk around topless." I think he must have heard me gasp because he began to laugh out loud at my reaction. Oh wow, THAT would be awesome!

We made it through class and were ready to part ways. That's when Eric said, "So...I'll call you this weekend?"


"And we'll catch a movie or something. Unless you've got some other plans."

"Yeah...I mean other plans."

"Cool...see ya then." And then he walked away. This was it, this weekend was either going to be the best, or the worst, weekend of my entire life! The rest of the day flew by and I ran home wondering if maybe he had called already! I thought about taking a shower, but I didn't want to miss the phone call. I was hungry, but the phone in the kitchen didn't work so well, and I might miss him if I didn't get to the living room in time. What am I going to do with myself until he calls? Hurry up...hurry hurry...please!!!

An hour had passed, no phone call. I could only imagine what he was doing at that moment. I was so full of this strange energy. It was a mixture of eagerness and fear and hope and doubt...I felt like a guy just hours away from getting out of prison for the first time in twenty years. In a sense, I was. I never really had a 'friend' to call my own, or someone who I thought would match me so perfectly in love, and all of the sudden I've come across both and I don't know what to do with the blessing I've been given. I did everything under the sun trying to ignore the slow passage of time, but nothing worked. Eric was all I could think about, and if I could just feel his warmth one more time in my life, I could die a happy man. Just one more touch, one more laugh, a kiss, a moan...I had suddenly realized that I had been rock hard for over an hour and was worried I might sprain something if I wasn't careful.

Three more hours...nothing. I don't know what it was, but soon the anticipation turned to frustration, and the frustration turned to hurt. He said he would call. He said so. THIS weekend, that's what he said. Maybe he meant Saturday and not Friday. Maybe he was just fooling around. Oh...come on Eric. You can end this misery of mine if you just give me a ring. Please? I wandered around the house, feeling my soul sinking deeper and deeper into that depression quicksand as each minute ticked by. HE'S the one who set this up. Something must have happened...that's it.

It was dark out, about 9PM, and it was getting too late to even make the late show at the theater. I was almost in tears now. Why didn't he call? What did I do? What did I say wrong? Is this a hint? I had almost paced a hole in the carpet trying to calm down. I kept picking up the phone to make sure it was working, over and over again! But very quickly, just long enough to make sure there was a dial tone. God forbid if Eric were to call and get a busy signal because I was checking the phone. I began to wonder if I gave him the right number, I was so nervous I might have made a mistake. That empty feeling inside intensified and cut me deeper than it ever had before. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, and had to get up and start pacing again to keep from breaking down.

As 11 PM rolled around, the tears were steady, and I felt stupid for falling so hard for Eric in the first place. What the hell was wrong with me? Frank TOLD me to be careful with my heart, I can't just go around giving it away all at once like that. But I couldn't help myself...Eric could have all of me if he'd only ask. I'd give him my life, my love, my body, and my soul, and it hurt me to be so incredibly...vulnerable. This hurt too much for me to even hate him for it, and I found myself going to bed early, staring up at the ceiling as always. Alone.

I woke up Saturday morning hoping that it was all a misunderstanding, that he would call and apologize and maybe we could have a good time anyway. But he didn't. Not once during the whole day. I became a hermit, so I would have known if the phone rang. I only left the house once to mail a letter, and the second I came back I checked the answering machine twice! Why? Why was he doing this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? The more I thought about it, the more the pain hollowed me out on the inside. I felt like a ghost, empty and shallow, as though I didn't have any purpose at all. Is life supposed to be like this. Does anybody else ever feel this bad? As the night progressed, I gave up on having my 'savior' call and lift my spirits. Looks like this whole thing was bullshit to begin with, my own little fantasy that kept me from seeing the awful truth...I was meant to be alone.

I didn't get a call on Sunday either, but I kinda didn't expect one anymore. No more checking the phone, no more watching the answering machine, no more childlike anticipation. Nothing left but the idea that somewhere, the boy who I gave my heart away to, was sitting back and laughing his ass off. At ME! I cried all day, and the only thing that made it worse was the fact that I was going to have to see him again tomorrow. I was going to have to look at his fake smile and pretend not to be hurt by the fact that he wanted nothing more to do with me. I was going to grin and bare it because I'll be damned if I let him know what he's done to me. But it hurts, oh God does it hurt. Does he even have any idea. 'My Savior' indeed.

Come Monday morning, I crawled back to school after locking myself in the house for three whole days. And what hurt the most was the fact that even though he had basically ditched me over the weekend, I still found myself looking for Eric when I walked in. I couldn't turn the damn thing off now! He had opened the floodgates of my soul and now I couldn't stop thinking and dreaming about him. I expected to live with this for a long long time. I had made it through most of the day, but the closer I got to that history class, the more I dreaded it. What if he hated me now? What if he just suddenly realized how unworthy I was to even spit in his direction, much less be his friend? What if he didn't care if I was hurting or not, maybe the whole thing was a big freaking joke? I tried to be optimistic, but I knew I wouldn't make it. It looks like another tummy ache day.

"Hey Jamie! What's up?" I heard from behind me. It was Eric, coming to smile at me with those big beautiful eyes of his sparkling like mad. It was as though nothing had even happened. "Say, sorry about this weekend, but..."

"No, it's ok. I get it. No big deal. Look, I've gotta go okay? See you around maybe." I said, and walked away. No reason for him to waste a perfectly good excuse on me. He could save it for someone he gave a damn about. He called after me, even followed me for a little bit, but I just kept walking. No need to go on any further with this little fantasy of mine. It wasn't going to work out, not like this. Finally, he stopped calling my name, stopped asking me to talk to him, and he just stood still as I walked around the corner and out of his sight. It hurt so much, I figured I'd get some lunch and then just go home. There was nothing left for me here in this place.

The lunch hour passed quickly, and I went back to the nurses office to make my 'legal getaway'. As soon as I opened the door, Eric was in my usual seat, waiting for me. He looked at me, and seemed kinda sad, almost apologetic. He stood up and offered me his seat, like the gentleman he was. "I take it you're not really sick, huh?" He said with a weak smile.

"You don't have to do this Eric. I get it okay? I never meant to force you into anything or make you hang out with me. It's totally up to you, I understand."

"What are you talking about? Is this about this weekend?"

"Look...I don't want to talk about it alright? I just want to go home." I said, hoping that he would leave before I began to start crying like a baby or something.

"Jamie...listen to me dude...your phone number...I wrote it on the back of my homework Friday. I turned it in and didn't even think about it until I got home and couldn't find it. I would have called you Friday night if I still had it. Trust me Jamie...I wouldn't blow you off."

"Whatever." I said. I wanted so badly to believe, to just re-immerse myself in that wonderful dreamworld and forget that I was alone. But I couldn't. I knew how much something like this would hurt me if I let him in again. No way...why open myself up to something like this again?

"I'm SERIOUS Jamie! Dude, I like you, I'm not going to just toss you aside. I just wouldn't." He could tell from the way that I was looking down at the ground, half hearing him and tuning him out, that his message wasn't going to get through. I knew what would happen if I ever fell for him again, heartache. And that heartache would destroy me the next time, I was sure of it. But he continued anyway, "Sigh...ok man, you're coming with me."

"What?" I asked as he grabbed my hand. Why did that have to feel so good? Why did I have to spaz out every time I was near him? I just don't want this pain anymore.

"You are coming with me, to my house, right now. And I won't take no for an answer." I started to speak but he just pulled me out of the nurses office and down the hall to the back door. We just walked out and the next thing I know we were taking the long walk to his house. It was as though my feet had minds of their own. I didn't want to follow, but they followed anyway. Maybe the angels above weren't through laughing at me yet and wanted to play this bitter joke out to the end.

We arrived at his house and it was beautiful, just what I would expect from such an adorable suburban teenager like Eric. He guided me inside and sat me down on his bed. "Stay right here, I'm gonna check something and I'll be right back." And Eric kicked off his shoes and ran into the kitchen. I sat there for a few seconds, suddenly realizing that this was his house! Eric's house! And he demanded that I be here, with him, alone. As hard as I tried, I didn't want to let it sink in, didn't want to suddenly put on my blinders to reality and just fall in love all over again. I wanted to keep a clear mind, that's all.

Eric ran back in with two cokes and some chips. He plopped down on the bed next to me, and then kicked his feet up. I tried not to look, but I just had to sneak a few infatuated glances at him. He was just so cute in his sock feet with his hair looking slightly out of place, and yet still perfect. He had one knee drawn up to his chest, and one stretched out towards me, looking like he would just melt in my mouth if he only gave me a taste. I didn't say anything, I just drank my coke and kept my eyes down at my feet. After a few minutes of the two of us just crunching away on the chips, Eric used his outstretched foot to gently tap me on the leg. I nearly came from the contact! He wiggled his toes a little to dig into the outside of my thigh, and my erection sprang up all on it's own. I finally glanced up at him, and his blue green eyes met mine as he smiled timidly at me. "Penny for your thoughts dude?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Just talk to me Jamie. Like we always do in school, except there's nobody here to tell us to shut up and get back to work." I smiled just a bit, and as soon as he saw it, his foot reached out to tickle me again. A larger smile broke out on my face, and then a slight giggle. No, no, NO! He's doing it again! He's making me feel all weak and giddy and I'm going to mess around and REALLY get my heart stomped on this time! I wanted to keep control, to stay mad, to remain depressed, but he took that pain away from me. He made it all better, and he filled me with a 'different' type of energy, something that could easily burn until the end of time if it wanted to. He was the first person to ever make me feel this alive.

"C'mon Jamie...don't hate me, ok? I am really really sorry. I just didn't have the number." He said.

"It's okay. I kinda..."

"Kinda what?" Eric asked, intrigued.

"'s silly. Forget it."

"No, no...go ahead, tell me."

I took a deep breath and said, "Well...I kinda thought that maybe you didn't want to talk to me anymore. Like maybe you didn't want to be friends." I heard silence and looked over to see a hurt expression on Eric's face. He almost looked ready to cry or something. I thought I had better say something quick, "But I was wrong! You're not like that! I know that now, so it's cool."

"I am so sorry. I never meant for you to...I didn't want.." He was speechless. Great, now I made him miserable too. "I fucked up, didn't I?"

"Dude, don't worry about it. It's ok." I said, trying to somehow make him not feel so bad, but he felt bad anyway.

"I swear with all my heart that I never meant to hurt your feelings. I really was telling the truth."

"If anybody messed up, it was me. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt or something. I'm sorry. It sounds stupid, but I don't have too many friends, so this whole thing makes me a bit nervous."

He looked puzzled. "But why? Is it me?"

I wasn't about to just come out and tell him! Was he nuts? "No, I just don't want to screw things up."

"Good, me either. You know...I get nervous too sometimes." Eric said. And even though I wasn't looking at him, I could feel his eyes on me. He wasn't just looking, he was staring, and the very thought terrified me. I got up enough courage to look back, and he quickly turned away as though it didn't happen. Hell, maybe it didn't. It's not like my hunches have ever given me a reason to trust them before anyway. Grrrr! More daydreaming! I didn't even know what was real anymore, i was just making it up as I went along.

"I'm sure not as nervous as I do." I whispered, as I turned my gaze back down to the floor.

He just kinda sat there for a moment and that's when I noticed that his foot was still resting up against my leg. I began to feel those jitters in my stomach again, ten times worse than before as it fermented in that long silence between us, and it returned me to that incredible feeling of anticipation like last time. But now I was sitting right next to him, he was right there. I looked over at his soft features, his beautifully full lips and light brown locks of liquid hair as it laid softly at the sides of his face. Then I let my eyes wander down to glance at his chest as he breathed in and out, so slowly, so passionately, and I couldn't resist.

"You have some more lint on your shirt." And I reached out to touch him once again, but this time he grabbed my hand and held it against him. He was shaking, and his grip was gentle but firm as he grasped my wrist and held it over his heart.

"No I don't." He said, his eyes looking directly into mine. Suddenly I got so incredibly terrified that I yanked my hand back in horror and stood up. This was NOT happening...not to me! This isn't real!

"Dude, look, I've got to go.!" I said, and Eric looked at me with surprise in his eyes.

"You do? I...I...I'm sorry. I was, it was a joke, just a joke that's all!" But it wasn't a joke, I don't know what it was, but it couldn't be real. It was too good to be real, and if I had read into this wrong, I wouldn't be able to survive the amount of pain something like this would bring into my life. It was a rejection that I simply wasn't prepared to take.

"How do I get to the back door?" I asked, quickly picking up my bag and jacket.

"You don't have to go. Please?" Eric said, almost whining. His voice was too cute for words, his eyes were sparkling even more now, and I couldn't believe how amazingly gorgeous this kid had become in my eyes in the short time that I've known him. He stood up and stepped in front of me and put his hand on my shoulder, sending electrical volts of energy surging through me. "Jamie, don't go, not like this." He was pleading, and it hurt me to stay. He looked at his hand on my shoulder, and we both noticed that he was rubbing it gently. Back and forth, very slightly, and then he pulled it back as soon as he realized what he was doing. "Sorry...I just...look, we'll just forget about it. Okay? We can watch some TV or something. Cool?"

"What is it that you want from me?" I asked, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. Why was he doing this? Why was he making it so hard for me to just walk away? I didn't know what to think or what to feel anymore. Afraid to let him slip away, afraid to hold on for fear that it would hurt more than anything I've ever known before. I didn't even know whether it was safe to look into his eyes or not. All I knew was that I didn't want the mixed signals. Please don't take me to cloud 9 just to push me off and let me come crashing to the ground below. I can't live with that pain, not anymore.

"I...I don't know what I want Jamie. Ok? I just know that I don't want you to go...because...because..." He was trying to say something, struggling with it for a few seconds, but then he backed down and stepped aside. His eyes were beginning to look wet and tearful, and his voice was almost altered by a hint of desperation. "Does this mean we can't talk anymore? Because of me?"

I wanted to say yes. Can you believe it? I actually wanted to say yes and make it all go away. I thought that love was what I wanted, but I just wasn't ready for it yet. I wasn't able to just throw myself into it blindly and enjoy the comforts it gave me. There was just too much at risk, and another heartbreak would surely kill me inside. I didn't want that. Pushing him away was my only escape from this. But as I looked into his eyes, seeing them filled with tears, ready to drop any second without shame, I felt my heart begin to beat harder and faster than it ever had before. And the warning signals that my brain was sending out seemed to be drowned out by the sound of his breathing. I reached out once again, my hand moving only a few centimeters at a time, and I eventually laid the back of my hand against his soft chest. And this time, I left it there, feeling the gentle thumping of his heart, smelling the sweetness of his boyish breath as he exhaled deeply with my touch. Oh wow...did I do that? I was so nervous that it almost made me sick inside, but when I saw his arm leave his side, just as slowly if not slower, the nervousness changed to something else, something I couldn't define if I tried.

I saw his hand coming towards me, ever so slowly, and I waited with baited breath, unable to concentrate on anything else. And finally, when his hand came in contact with my chest for the first time, I cried. I just shut my eyes, and let the tears spill over as I felt Eric's love passed from him to me. I tried to make this unbelievable wet dream go away, tried to make sense out of it, but I just couldn't. I heard Eric's breathing becoming raged and short, he was crying too. I heard it and placed my hand palm down on his chest, rubbing it lovingly, and he did the same. Neither one of us said a word, we just stood there in the middle of his room, our eyes closed, our cheeks stained with tears...and I finally let go. Let go of doubt, let go of risk, let go of the question 'what if', and just enjoyed the moment for what it was. I sighed out loud, and I felt Eric move in closer to hug me. My arms slid around his slim waist so easily, and I felt his arms move up to wrap around my neck and shoulders. It felt so awesome, holding him in my arms, knowing that someone cared, that someone actually wanted to be there, to share my love and my pain, no matter what. It was a security I've never had before.

His body was just so warm when held up against mine, and I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. I felt him trembling in my arms, just as scared as I was, and I took comfort in that. We held each other for what seemed like an eternity, but it was as though we were both waiting for something, like we wanted more but were afraid to go for it. Neither one of us wanted to let go, because we didn't know where it was going to lead us, but eventually my grip began to loosen, as did his. And he leaned back and looked into my eyes. We stared at each other for one long erotic moment, and then, as if we had rehearsed it a thousand times....we both leaned in gently and joined in a sweet innocent kiss. To feel his lips against mine was a blessing from God, and I never wanted it to end. Eric broke the kiss and sat down on the foot of his bed, dazed and confused as he looked off into space.

"What is it? What did I do?" I asked, worried that maybe this had all been a mistake.

"Nothing Jamie. I just...I've never kissed a guy before. I never kissed anybody before. And you know what? I liked it." Then I saw his face wrinkle up a little bit as some more tears began to stroll down his cheeks. "I love you Jamie. I don't know how or why...I just do. This isn't right. Stuff like this just doesn't happen."

"It does today." I said, leaning down to kiss him once again, and he leaned back as our lips mingled with youthful excitement. Everything moved in slow motion, nothing seemed rushed or out of place, and for that one moment all the pain went away. So far away it was hard to believe that it was ever there in the first place. He laid back to receive me, and our tongues touched for the first time as his arms caressed my body lovingly around the middle. I was so scared, but I couldn't stop...he was a part of me now. My body was hungry for him, and his taste was unimaginably sugar sweet. His tongue felt so right as it slid past mine again and again in a slow passionate rhythm. I lowered more of my weight down on him, and I felt my hardness rub up against his, causing us both to moan in unison. We were breathless, both completely confused as to how this could be. I felt his hands running up and down my shirt, and our kissing was becoming stronger, now making slight smacking noises as we sucked at each other greedily. God...I've never known anything so beautiful. I thought that joy like this was only reserved for fate's 'chosen ones'. The kids who I had spent my life being jealous of. But it was ME! Really ME! Kissing Eric on his bed, all alone, with nothing but a silent song of love between us. It was amazing. As we kissed, I was pressing myself into him. I was close enough to feel him breathing underneath me, and it made me feel this overwhelming, long lasting, full body orgasm that tickled through my body uncontrollably. And when I heard him moan...oh when I heard him moan. Passing tiny vibrations from his lips to mine, it made me grind into him even harder. His arms pulled me tightly against his ripe teen body and he spread his legs wider to allow me to slip in between, our erections leaking and throbbing with a young lust that made us dizzy. I couldn't get enough of the taste of his sweet mouth and lips. I kept trying to get more, and our bodies quaked as we both grabbed each other by the sides of the head to kiss even harder. I couldn't believe that he wanted this as much as I did!

It was at that point that his shirt was raised up by the friction, and his hands lifted mine a bit too, letting our tender bellies touch. He was so smooth, so hairless, my stomach just slid up and down his, and I was close to losing it right then and there. I could feel my swollen cock tingling and trying all it could to hold back for as long as possible. Eric's legs had wrapped themselves around my waist now, and it drove me wild. Our kissing had gotten savage, and we were both grinding into one another with animal passion, our once innocent sighs now becoming grunts and the huffs of hard breathing. Eric. Finally, my time had come at last. He lifted my shirt up even more, and even though sex was still a complete mystery to me and I had no idea what to do with myself, I knew that my instincts would guide me. My clothes became such an annoyance that I was actually frustrated to have them on still. That thin piece of fabric was keeping me from being even closer to Eric, and it just had to go! As I lifted it over my head, I broke our kiss and Eric whimpered with excitement. His legs crushed me against him and he clung to me with his every limb, pulling me back down on top of him. As I raised my head to get that damn shit all the way off, Eric kissed and nibbled at my neck wildly. Our kissing had stopped for the moment, and he needed to fill that space, to continue that connection. That's when he went down and began to suck and gently bite at my right nipple. "Ohhhhh....ohhhh God.....Hmmmmm!" I wailed. I never thought I would be a nipple type person, until Eric came along. But as his teeth gently added pressure on the pink bud, I felt a warm feeling spread over my entire chest, and it made me ten times hornier than I was before. And that's saying a LOT!

I had to basically pry his leech-like assault on my chest to get his shirt off, and as soon as I did, he grabbed me by the ass and pushed his hips up against me again. His legs held onto my body tight, and I buried my head in his neck, licking and sucking on it in a frenzy. He rolled us over and leaned over me, kissing me on the lips again before sitting up on his knees. I looked up into his beautiful eyes, and I saw a moment of shyness before his eyes guided mine down to the rather large tent in my pants. Then he looked back up at me with pleading eyes, and I couldn't even answer him. I was so enraptured, so entranced, he could have any part of me that he wanted. No use in trying not to fall in love, I had lost that battle a long time ago. I just leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I could feel Eric's weight lifting off of me and moving down lower on the bed. My eyes still closed, I peered into the darkness and tried to come up with a reason, some explanation of why I was suddenly so blissfully complete. I wanted to know what I did to finally get my shot at that I could do it again, never to lose this feeling, this wonderful feeling. I felt him unzip my pants, and tenderly rub my erection through my boxers before exposing it fully. I felt the cool air of the room rush around my head as it was freed from the confines of my underwear, and it pulsed in his softened hands. I couldn't see him, but I could feel his stare on my flesh, and I knew he was taking some extra time to admire it up close. Wow...Eric was worshipping ME! How incredible is THAT?

He ran his fingertips through my silken pubic hairs for a few seconds, and then I could feel his head lowering to take it in. This was it...this was going to be awesome! I could feel his breath on it now, and the second he stuck out his tongue to lick at the tip, I shivered with delight. Then he lewdly licked my length from the bottom of my balls to the top of my five and half inch shaft, and then I felt my boner become immersed in the smoldering heat of his sucking mouth. He took me all in one motion, and just held me there for a few seconds before sliding back up to the top again. I could feel the squiggly wetness of his tongue as its texture rubbed under the shaft of my erection, and the suction seemed to just relax me from head to toe. His hands rested on my thighs, and he gave me a slow and steady blow job, each bob as exciting as the one before it, and in only minutes, I felt myself ready for orgasm. I wanted to hold out, I wanted to prolong this experience for as long as I could before it was gone forever, but the feeling of Eric's enjoyment as he swallowed my length again and again, his hands rubbing up and down my thighs, his breath rustling my pubic hairs, and my eyes closed to the world, blocking out everything but the sensations my lover was giving me...brought me over the edge. I hit a sensory load, and shouted out some undecipherable words as my cum rose out of me and shot to the back of Eric's throat like a cannon. He sucked even harder as he felt the first shot of hot semen splash across his tonsils, and it made me squirm and jump involuntarily. It felt so good that it almost hurt, and as soon as I was finished ejaculating, I pulled out of his mouth with a pop. I was still dripping a little as I moved down to tear into Eric's pants. He tried to help, but his hands only got in the way. I pushed them out of the way, and unzipped his pants, sticking my face inside and inhaling the intoxicating scent of sex from his boxers. As I rubbed my face back and forth across them, I felt a cool, sticky wet spot on the front pass over my lips. I licked at the spot, and tasted the sweetness of his juices. When I felt his dick jump and his body twitch, I couldn't wait any longer. I reached in and grabbed a hold of his hardness. It was velvety smooth, and soooo hot. I looked at it and my mouth watered for its flavor. It was throbbing in time with his heartbeat, and a single stream of crystal clear semen flowed from the slit, spilling down the side of his 6 inches and running over my fingers. I could have cried, it was just so beautiful to me. I didn't waste any time, as I was sure he was ready to shoot any moment. I licked the tiny river of precum up the side, over my fingers, and then took him into my mouth. He tasted so sweet, so deliciously sweet. My taste buds danced with the honey tang of his flesh, and I went down until my nose was brushing back and forth through his pubes. Hmmmm...a tastey morsel indeed.

Eric, unlike me, wanted to watch the whole thing. His eyes were fixed on me the whole time, and I did my best to drive him to levels of ecstasy that he never even dreamed of. His eyes were half closed in a lustful gaze that melted my heart, and as he came close to climaxing, he began to writhe more and more beneath me. I grabbed a hold of his thighs so I could keep my lips tightly wrapped around his length, and he moaned and hissed as his orgasm built inside of him. His hands found their way to my blond locks of hair, and he began to push up into my face lightly as I reached underneath to cup the round globes of his ass. His cheeks were so soft and squeezable it excited me even more and I went wild on him. "Oh wow...oh yeah...mmmm" Eric's moans only made things worse and I knew that I needed him now more than ever. I sucked until my teeth rattled, and his hands began to rustle my hair wildly as he reached the moment of truth. I felt his hardness expand in my mouth, and I waited impatiently for his offering. And what an offering it was! My mouth was suddenly filled over and over with thick gobs of sweetened cream and I swallowed every last one. Eric thrust his head back, and pulled my head down into his lap hard as he continued to shoot into me. I couldn't get enough.

The hour or so afterwards is still a blur. A lot of kissing, a lot of caressing, a lot of hugging and necking and nibbling. We never said a word, never made a sound. It was so quiet that we could hear our hearts beating as one. Was this it? Had my search for someone to love finally ended? For once, the angels smiled down on me, and I felt in control. I hugged Eric closer to me, and he threw one of his legs across my chest, his soft testicles peacefully nestled at my side, and he kissed me on the cheek. I was glad that he began to go down and nibble on my neck, because I didn't want him to see my tears. I was so unbelievably happy hat a smile wouldn't do it justice. Through my watery gaze, I looked up at the ceiling and saw a single spot, a tiny flaw in the paint. It was sort of like the one in my house, and yet slightly different. And I found beauty in it. Beauty in it's individuality, in its ability to exist despite the 'normal' appearance of the rest of the ceiling. At last, I understand.

My goodness this turned out to be a long one!!!! (Hehehehe! I said "long one"!) I hope you guys enjoyed it! Remember that all feedback, good or bad, is appreciated at or stop by the website at

"This one is for you Mike..."