I find myself doing it all day long. Whenever I get a free moment or a quiet spell falls over me, my mind wanders...and the anger returns. I've never really been able to shake it really. I had friends, I had intelligence, I had nice clothes, a nice house, two loving parents...I even had a best friend who not only understood my being gay, but was just as 'gay' as I was, if not more. It should have been more than enough to make me feel like one of them, but it never did.
Who are THEY? THEY are the kids that I'm looking at right now as I sit here on the school's front lawn eating this dry turkey sandwich. They're the kids I envy...more than anything in the world. Basically, "THEM" is equal to everybody else in the world who's not me. I can't explain why it hurts so much, but it does. Always. I see the other boys walking around, laughing and playing with their friends, giggling and making plans for later. I see them showing off their beautiful bodies, or their cute blond hair, or their airhead girlfriends. They flaunt their athletic ability, their sense of humor, their ability to just be...'cool'. And you know what? I HATE them for it! Every minute of every day. Sons of bitches! GOD! What it must feel like to be that beautiful, to be that adored, to be so totally brainless and rude and vulgar, and have people 'look beyond' that to try to find the bright side. NOT because they have any redeeming qualities, but just because they look good enough to make someone want to 'try' to love them. TRY...to love somebody??? How sick is THAT? Some girls approach these idiots KNOWING that they don't have a brain cell to spare past getting an erection, and they actually attempt to mentally make them into someone beautiful. I'm not ugly, not by any means. I've had the name 'David' written in a few notebooks before. At least I THINK it was my name, there were so many Davids in this place. But still, why is it that I have to work extra hard to grab someone's attention? When do I get to be the one that people drool over for no reason whatsoever other then the fact that I happen to be there in the room. When do I find someone who's willing to really look into MY heart and see what kind of a beautiful person *I* can be? When is MY 'lovable personality' going to count for shit? If people are going to be totally wrapped up in looks from now on, then FUCK 'em! I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than end up being hurt by a single one of them. As sad as it sounds, I hate them for being beautiful, and I hate myself more for wanting to be one of them. Who am I kidding? I can't compete with some of these suburban rich kids. Hell, I have a JOB to go to after school, I have things on my mind, dreams, ambitions...all these fuckers have to do is lay in the sun all day, go shopping, or snap towels at each ther in the gym. Besides, they don't NEED responsibility. They don't NEED intelligence. They don't NEED people skills, or personality, or charm, or sensitivity. All they need is an average body, a pretty smile, and enough time to do their hair in the morning. And everyone will come rushing after them like they were the best specimens of the human race. It made me sick sometimes.
I took another bite of my sandwich, and tried to keep a look of disgust off of my face. I could only hope it was working. I brushed a few brown hairs out of my face, and continued to watch the 'big parade'. Look at 'em. Walking with confidence and pride, knowing that they're gorgeous and that the world basically belongs to them. I wonder sometimes if I was just wasting my time. I mean honestly, who's really concerned with the idea that I can make them laugh, or that I can help them with their homework, or that I have big plans for the future? Who cares if I'm sensitive enough to listen to their problems, or that I care about them, or that I'm a good person through and through? WHO GIVES A SHIT??? There's a nice little pretty boy with a pretty face and pretty body and a pretty name that they'd take over me in a heartbeat. No contest. Hell, he didn't even have to be gorgeous, just better looking than me. Once that happened...I could shit ice cream and walk on water and no one would give me a second look. Why would they? Give them a bag of dog shit in a well decorated pretty little package, and they'll be willing to take it anyway! Does the whole planet act this way? And they wonder why teenagers are self conscious! Maybe I should just drop the 'Hi, I'm David, the guy with the inner beauty that no one will ever care to see because there will always be somebody better looking' act, and become 'Jason the narcissistic cute guy who gets laid on a daily basis.' Imagine if I could actually have both. Be the guy who's mind intrigues others, who's heart bursts open with love and compassion, AND who's striking good looks could make even the most attractive boys and girls in the area fall to their knees and thank God that I even talk to them! If I had all of that, I could take over the world, easy. But as long as there was somebody even remotely more appropiate within the line of sight, and by 'appropiate', I mean someone even slightly more likely to fit the standard image of the everyday blond teeny bopper magazine model, then I was shit out of luck. Suddenly all my manners and heart and laughter was useless. It was like I was a 20 dollar bill that they dropped on the ground to pick up a shiny rock that was 'cute to look at'. FUCK! I was getting myself all flustered again and tried to think about something else. Besides, I curse at myself a lot when I get this way. That can't be good for me mentally. I don't want to end up being one of those old guys at the bus stop shouting random profanities at the passers by. I guess that God just chose some people to have all of the pretty faces, and he gave everybody else the things that really mean something. However, I often wished I could trade in a good heart for a blond wig, some blue contacts, and a nice ass. I'd like to be an attraction to all who see me. I'd like for people to approach me and whisper sweet things in my ear without even knowing me. I'd like to have my pick of the litter when it came to love, instead of wondering if I'll ever be able to show my feelings to someone who was obviously more beautiful than me. What the hell did they need me for? They had other cutie pies to chase after. People who could become seemingly more appealing and incredible in the first few minutes of their glorious presence, then I could after months of getting to know someone on a deeper level. There was simply no contest. Those kind of people just bothered me I guess. And my best friend Taylor just so happened to be one of those people.
Sigh...I had to choose HIM to have as a best friend, of all the people on Earth. Take a perfect, slim body, short blond hair brushed with an uncanny precision, a set of sparkling blue eyes that basically glowed in the dark, and some name brand clothes that hugged his lithe frame to a tee, and you've got a boy who should be my WORST enemy instead of my best friend. Add to that a cute raspy voice and the name of the cutest Hanson sibling, and voila...my buddy. I don't know what I saw in him that was so different from the other primadonnas in that place. It was just a spark of something that kept me close to him. Well, that and the fact that he was the only person in the world who knew I liked other boys. But we got along great, had some laughs, and I got a chance to hear about all the guys he scored with. Yes, Taylor hasn't even uttered the word 'virgin' since he was 13. And now that we're both 15 years old, he had quite an impressive record. Well...for a 15 year old anyway. I don't even think he really knew what he was doing to me. Him and his, "This guy was staring at me in the library today." and his, "I want him bad! I think I'm gonna find out if he's gay or not." and his, "I'll bet ya I can get him to kiss me if I asked him to." Taylor wasn't really conceited, not too much anyway. But he was damn cute, and he knew it. I'd do him in a heartbeat, but unfortunately I had ended up in the 'friend zone' with Taylor before I had a chance to say anything. Like I said, people can always use another friend, but when it comes to feelings that go any deeper than that, it's the eye candy that's going to get all the attention. You don't know HOW many times I hoped and prayed that Taylor could get his heartbroken really REALLY bad. Just once. Some friend I am. I loved him like a brother, and at the same time, I loathed him with the same hatred I felt for the rest of his kind. They say that after high school, people begin to look for more than a pretty face. Somehow, I don't believe it.
I finished my lunch and dusted myself off before heading back inside. I couldn't take anymore of this. This was a combination of anger and depression, and it wasn't going to get any better. I could only hope to get my chance for something beautiful one of these days. I want what THEY want. But unfortunately, all they want is each other, and I'm left out in the cold. It's kinda hard to say, "It's their loss" when they're romping around with a sexy teenage stud and I'm walking home alone. Arrrrgh! Gotta stop thinking about this! Let it go already David! Geez! I went into my English class that day feeling a bit down, but able to put a happy face on for a few of my buds anyway. Sure, we chatted and giggled, but I felt unequal, unbalanced. How is my curly brown hair and dull blue eyes going to match with their beauty? How was I supposed to really shine on my own when they had it so easy. So effortlessly. While I had to constantly remind myself that I wasn't as ugly as I made myself out to be. It hurt knowing that any one of them could tell the same joke that I did, and it would be funnier coming from them, simply because people were more likely to care. Fuck 'em all!
The bell rang and the teacher started the lesson. So I suppose that I had to drop my inner monologue and pay attention. Even though I pretty much didn't need the lesson review. I knew the English book forwards and backwards, I just had to wait for everyone else to catch up. It only took a couple of minutes for my eyes to wander around the room in boredom...and that's when I noticed a new face in the crowd of students. I hadn't ever noticed him before, must be new. He had his head down in his notebook, frantically taking notes as though his life depended on it. It was almost kinda funny to watch. Another half wit trying to keep up. I couldn't really see his face at first, he had these medium length blond locks that hung just below his ears and moved forward to blanket his face while it was down. Still...I could tell he was a bit frustrated. I don't know what it was, but watching him trying to write at the speed of sound was amusing to say the least. So I watched intently, stealing a glance every few seconds to see if maybe his arm had fallen off. Then, as the teacher wrote something on the board, I saw him look up. I didn't even know I had a smirk on my face until it began to fade away. It was like being struck by lightning. He was....he was....
"David..." Someone whispered from behind me.
"Lemme borrow your notes after class. K?" Sigh...another pretty boy looking to get by on MY work! Let him work for it. I was liable to forge some fake notes just so I could watch him fail miserably. But I was a bit too involved in watching the new kid to think about that now.
"Yeah, sure, whatever."
"Thanks bro." He whispered, and then he sat back relieved. Probably thinking that he can kick back and just let me hand him an easy 'A' without him doing anything. At least the new kid was trying.
I didn't want to get caught staring. Not by him, and certainly not by anybody else. So I just took a quick peek every once in a while. He was just so...
"David...dude...here..." A girl whispered from the next row over, and she handed me a note. What the hell was THIS about? I opened it up and read to myself, "David, I've got issues man. Some boyfriend troubles. Can we talk after school like before. You made me feel so much better. Thanks." Grrrr! I was planning to do something ELSE with my afternoon. Something FUN maybe? More fun than listening to her whine about problems I wish I had. But what was I gonna say? NO? I nodded in agreement, and she smiled with the knowledge that she had used me to be her cushion for the third time in two weeks. Sure, I'm a saint to her right now...but just let me ask her to hop into bed with me. Then we'll see how 'grateful' and 'not shallow' and 'friendly' she really is. Funny how they're feelings change and compliments fade when you're not what they're looking for. How do I get myself into these things?
I looked back at the new kid, and saw him look up just one more time before the bell rang and everybody popped out of their seats. I saw this kid, this blond angel, gather his things and stand up. For a second, a brief second, he looked my way and I saw heaven and glory in his eyes. Light brown marbles that screamed perfection. Skin that looked smooth and untouched, a cute nose, and the most lickable, kissable lips I'd ever seen. He was just so...so...BEAUTIFUL!!!
I stood up, and was awestruck as I watched him move toward the door. I couldn't move for a full minute after he left. It was almost as if I hadn't grasped the concept of this lovely boy being in the same room with me. As if I had imagined the whole thing. I was finally able to grab my stuff and go to my next class, but my concentration was shot for the rest of the day. I kept rewinding the image in my mind of his face, watching it over and over as his eyes met mine for the first time. My hormones got the better of me, and my mind went to the usual acts of sexual delight. Same positions, same moans, same activities...different person. But for some reason, I didn't relish the image as much as I did with most of the others. I was just as aroused by his gaze, by his frenzied pace as he was taking notes, by the gentle sway of his shoulders as he left the room. I couldn't get it out of my mind, and I was anxious to see him again the next day. He stayed in my thoughts until I went to sleep that night, and probably followed me into my dreams. It was incredible.
"You seem awfully preoccupied today." Taylor said, snapping me out of my daze the next day at lunch. I was only fifteen little minutes away from seeing him again, and it was driving me nuts. I was actually getting all jittery inside.
"Oh...yeah, it's nothing dude. What were we talking about anyway?" I asked.
"We weren't talking about anything dude. You were just staring off into space like some kind of weirdo. What's on your mind?" I didn't want to answer him. He'd probably think I was stupid anyway, lusting after some blond phantom I had just seen the day before.
"Just thinking about stuff. That's all. I'm beng weird today."
"Well, I was GOING to tell you about this kid in my math class. Dude...he's fucking HOT! So cute it makes ya wanna scream out loud!" Taylor said. He was in the closet like me as far as most people were concerned, but he made no attempt to hide his feelings around me when he saw a cute guy. Once he let the floodgates open up, there was no stopping him. "...and he has the cutest ass..." Taylor went on and on, but I tuned most of it out. Trying not to hear about some new conquest he was looking forward to. "...and he had this really cool blond hair...ohhhhhh....VERY cute..." And it was a few seconds after that comment that my ears perked up.
"He was blond?"
"Yeah, like a really light cornsilk blond too. Hangs to about his ears. And he has these big brown eyes..." My heart sank imidiately as I heard him describe the boy that I had been thinking about all night. In detail. There was no mistaking it. That was the same boy. But it was what Taylor said next that really hurt me beyond belief. "His name is Julian, and he started a few weeks ago, but they've been moving his schedule around a lot to find him appropiate classes and all. I talked to him for a while, and he's really cool too." He TALKED to him??? The very thought of Taylor getting to him before me brought a sickening feeling to my chest, as though the gravitational pull on my heart had been increased by fifty percent and made it heavy enough to slip down into my shoe.
"O-o-oh...really?" I said, trying to hide my pain. Either it worked, or he just didn't care. How could he do this? How could Mr. Teeny Bopper cover model just walk up and TALK to someone who might have meant so much to me? Sigh...what am I saying? It's not like I OWNED the kid. Hell, I could have done the same if I had the guts. But I didn't. I just let the opportunity pass me by, and Taylor didn't. I suppose I should be happy for him. Instead of insulted and hurt.
"He's the coolest man. I'll let you meet him." LET me meet him??? Great, whoop dee doo! "We traded email addresses today. So we'll get a chance to talk more tonight. And I've gotta tell ya dude..." Taylor leaned closer to whisper into my ear, "...Julian's setting off my gaydar something awful! Man...I'd LOVE to get a piece of that! He's cute as hell!"
That was more than a nail in the coffin, it was almost like a nail right through my spine. I litterally felt a sharp pain pinch and bite me all over my body with the idea of my new obsession and high school crush getting together to sleep with my best friend, Taylor. And there it was again, weighing down heavy on my shoulders again. I could hve a billion things in common with this Julian kid, make him feel better than he's ever felt, might even be a damn good friend if he'd let me. But stand me next to Taylor, and his erection is guaranteed to point in his direction. Just like everybody elses. Sigh. I swear, this life just isn't fair sometimes.
"Hey...Taylor, I've gotta....I've gotta go." I said, trying to get away from him as soon as possible. It wasn't his fault, but I was bound to MAKE it his fault in a minute if I began to let my mind wander on about it anymore. He was a bit surprised to see me get up and just walk away all of he sudden, but he didn't say anything more.
I wandered around the outer fence of the school for the rest of the lunch period. Just thinking to myself, and kicking an occassional stone or two. It was then that I realized, that no matter what I saw in him, no matter what magic I might have created in my own mind...Julian was...one of THEM. Someone who was made to be worshipped. Someone who knew he was cute, and didn't have to deal with the likes of me unless he was really desperate. The chances that he'd even talk to me were slim, what made me think that he'd actually be...you know...interested. It had only been one day, and he had already talked to Taylor. He merely made eye contact with me. Eye contact. Psh! What the heck does THAT count for? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I pictured the two of them chit chatting together, laughing together, touching each other, kissing each other...and the images got progressively worse until my heart was ready to break in two. And they hadn't even really been FRIENDS yet!
I heard the bell ring in the distance and walked slowly back to the school. Glancing at all of the boys I wish I could be...if only it meant capturing Julian's attention for that one quick moment. I sighed heavily as I headed towards that English class, hoping to get it all out of my system, but as I walked in the room and saw him again, notebook ready, the hurt came rushing back all over again. It felt like I was crying without the benefit of tears. As though my body was crying for him. I sat down and tried to not look in his direction at all that period, and it was quite a struggle, believe me. But I made it without too many turns of the head. Still, knowing that he was having an awesome time talking to Taylor made me wonder if I'd ever be up to his standard. Or if being with me after being with the magnificent Taylor would make me a complete bore and a geek to him. He's too sweet and beautiful to be shallow or anything like that, at least I was hoping so. Ha. That's always my excuse, isn't it? The whole world is 'shallow' except for me. Right? That's why things are the way they are. Whatever. Maybe I'm the one who's got it backwards.
The bell rang, and he walked out without so much as a word. No fancy conversations taking place today. Not that I'd have known what to say. Julian is the biggest celebrity in my own private little world right now. Talking to him was a big deal to me. I walked behind him for a bit, and I watched the sensuous curve of his hips and thin stomach as he walked. He was soooo delicious looking. God, how I wished I could be HALF that beautiful, just so I knew that I had a chance with him. Even if only a slim one. I had to stop following him eventually, and as he walked away and disappeared into the crowd, I knew that Taylor would get to talk to him again before I did. Great, I'd wasted an entire day with Julian when I should have been trying my best to at least get his attention so he'd know who I was. I bet if I was Taylor I wouldn't doubt myself this much. I went to my next class in a frustrated huff, but it wasn't long before despair set in. Why did this hurt so much? Even when I tried to push it aside and concentrate on something else, it came right back at me, crushing my heart with its clenched fist. I almost felt as though I wasn't good enough to know Julian. I mean, if by some chance he DID notice me and say hello...what then? I couldn't keep him interested. I couldn't impress him, or dazzle him with my looks, or entice him with my body. I couldn't have him laugh all day long, or cry on my shoulder all day long either. So exactly what was I going to do to keep Julian at my side even if he cared enough to give me a wink? Nothing. I'd screw it up and come off like a dork, and he'd leave me for somebody cool and fun and beautiful. Even THINKING about him was a waste of my time.
I went home thinking to myself over and over again, "I shouldn't be hurt, I shouldn't be hurt, I shouldn't be hurt..." Afterall, we didn't know each other, we've shared nothing. He could be a complete asshole for all I know. But somehow, when I thought of his ruby lips and sparkling eyes, reminicing over our one brief moment of eye contact the other day...I just wasn't convinced that he could be all that flawed. I didn't see the arrogance and snotty attitudes in him that I did in the others. I didn't feel anything 'wrong' with him at all. He was basically a GOOD PERSON. And the fact that someone who was really worth it didn't think of me at all...hurt me even more. Nothing for me to do but finish my homework, watch some tv, and hit the sack. Hopefully my dreams wouldn't tease me further with the swiftly fading memories of the boy who turned my world into one of pure bliss for such a short time. I'd mentally tell him to fuck off...if only I could.
The phone had rung around 10:30 the night before, but I looked at the caller ID and saw Taylor's name on the display. So I didn't answer. I went to bed feeling heartbroken and alone, wondering what 'news' he had to tell me NOW. I got ready for school, but I knew he'd just catch up and tell me anyway. So what's the point of avoiding it? Eventually I'll get over it. Who knows, maybe the two of them won't even get along. Maybe it'll all be a big failure and Julian spent the whole night talking about me. Maybe...maybe....awww...maybe I'm just a screwed up 15 year old boy who should stop dreaming and come to terms with reality.
I made it through the morning without feeling too bad, but shortly before 4th period Spanish, I saw Taylor in the hallway...standing there....with HIM!!! I stopped dead in my tracks and tried to turn around before either one of them saw me. But Taylor must have caught a glimpse of me or something and called out my name. I felt sick, like my stomach was churning, and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't walk over there. I pretended not to hear him and ducked down a nearby staircase at top speed. I was litterally terrified! My body began to shake with visions of the two of them being friends...or even more. WHY??? Who the fuck is Taylor anyway? What's so special about HIM? Why should HE get all the good luck, the pretty looks, the fancy clothes? DAMMIT!!! I rushed into a bathroom as I felt a teary fit coming on that I just couldn't stop. I splashed a little water on my face and wiped it off with a paper towel. Well...he did it...Taylor actually did it. He had used his natural beauty to captivate the mind of the boy who meant the world to me. He was gone. Forever. There was no way in hell I was ever going to get him to even talk to me now. Why should he? He had Taylor.
As the horror of Taylor fulfilling his sexual fantasy with Julian in his arms cut me deepest...I looked up at myself in the bathroom mirror. I wasn't ugly, I never have been ugly. But I wasn't ever going to be able to match the cute faces of the boys I wanted to be. I was never going to match someone's perfect vision of beauty, and I was never going to have feelings for anybody and have them feel the same. As I stared at that sickening reflection, a few more tears traveled down my face, and I sniffled quietly, trying to hold it back. I began to pant as the hurt forced its way to the surface and I had to splash some more water on my face. Oh great, David, just great. Now you look better, with red puffy eyes and a runny nose. Why? Why can't I just be what they want me to be? Why have I been denied their level of happiness? God this sucks. I returned to the mirror, and if I hadn't suddenly broken down into tears, I would have smashed it into a million pieces. I didn't hate them, I hated myself. And there was nothing I could do about it.
I knew that this was going to happen sooner or later, so I swallowed my pride and went down to the cafeteria for lunch. Nothing left to do but hear Taylor gloat and brag about how awesome Julian is and how much he wants to get him in the sack. Maybe after this, I'll hate them both enough to stop caring altogether. But I doubt it. My one true love and my only friend, I don't think I can necessarily shut them out for too long. However, when I got to our usual table, I really wasn't expecting to see HIM sitting there. Taylor had already seen me and was happily waving me over, so it was much too late to high tail it out of there. I was just going to have to bite the bullet and go for it. I sighed to myself and walked over slowly. Then I sat down and said hello.
"David, this is Julian." He said with a grin that just made me sick. You know...Taylor wasn't a bad guy, but I couldn't help but really hate him for this.
"Hey!" Julian said. His voice was soooo cool. Wow, it was like an exuberant, youthful sounding voice. Full of energy, even when he wasn't trying to be. He shook my hand, and I felt my heart beating faster and faster as I tried to answer him.
"H-h-hey...I'm David." I said shyly. Idiot! He already knows that! Great, now he thinks I'm stupid.
We sat through lunch, and I practically stayed silent the whole time while the two of them rattled on like old friends. Cracking jokes and having fun. They tried to get me involved in it, but I just didn't fit together as well as they did. Two beautiful angels, united in their unmatched radiance. There was simply too small a space left for me to really feel comfortable when they were together.
I attempted to be myself, but 'myself' wasn't good enough. I kept thinking, "Great! NOW he thinks I'm a dork!" and "Great! NOW he thinks I'm anti-social and quiet!" and "GREAT! I finally start talking, and now he's bored with me!" There was just no winning here. I was sinking fast, and I just wanted so badly to bring out enough of that inner beauty to at least show him that I had more to offer than most of the pretty faces around here. But it just wasn't enough. Nothing I said or did felt right, and I watched their bond get tighter and tighter right before my very eyes. Then the heartache returned tenfold.
That pain stayed with me until the next day, and the next, and over the weekend, lasting until Monday. And then the cycle would start all over again. Julian said hello to me more often now, occassionally flashing me a smile or two, but I had nothing interesting to say to him. All of my personality traits seemed to severely malfunction whenever he was near me. And everytime I actually got up enough nerve to say something intelligent, I'd look in his eyes, and knew that he'd MUCH rather be talking to Taylor. He'd much rather have Taylor telling him a joke, he'd much rather be eating lunch with Taylor, he'd much rather dream about Taylor. I wondered if he felt as though he was wasting his time on me. In fact, I wondered if he wanted me around at all. I mean, Julian was never rude or unfriendly, but I just couldn't ever seem to get the reaction out of him that Taylor did. Never. No matter how hard I tried.
Then, one day, as if fate had planned it out perfectly, I got to talk to Julian at lunch before Taylor got there. I guess he was late with some paper and had to swing it by class before he could join us. I can't even begin to explain how terrified I was to see Julian sitting at the table alone as I walked over. What would I say? What would we talk about? I was frozen inside, but I walked over anyway. Julian and I made some small talk, about the weather mostly.
"I love the rain." He said. Wow...just hearing him say the word 'love' was magic to my ears.
"Really? Me too. There's something really peaceful about it."
"Yeah, exactly." He said, and five minutes later, we were talking. Actually TALKING! We liked some of the same movies, had an almost identical cd collection, and just got along great. I never would have thought that I'd ever have something in common with someone so beautiful. They were the 'other' species afterall. Then he asked me, "So how about dating? Are you seeing anybody?" Whoah...I put the brakes on and was stumped for an answer. He didn't know. Not about me, and not about Taylor. What if he's interested...and I make him think I'm straight? What if he's a homophobe, and he freaks out if I tell him the truth? Okay David...think...keep it vague.
"No, nobody on the roster just yet." I said. No-BODY...could mean boy or girl. I'm in the clear.
"Really? No offense, but what are you waiting for. Somebody should at least be interested." Great, now HE' being vague too.
"Nah. These days, unless you're a Backstreet Boy or JTT, nobody really gives a damn." I said.
"That's not always true. Some people have a tendency to not be so shallow."
"Yeah, and they're probably all huddled together in some igloo in the Arctic. Everybody around here seems to fall into the other category."
He giggled a bit, and I think it was the first time I had ever made him laugh. It was great. "David, dude, sometimes it's really not all about that. You'll see, don't let it get to ya. Besides, you're cute anyway, so what are you worried about?"
Okay...check please! Julian just called me cute, which means that he's either playing a cruel joke, or I'm finally starting to see those groovy hallucinations that people get right before they go insane. I didn't hear it. That's all there is to it. I looked at him and he seemed to be catching little peeks at me, like he was looking to see how I responded to that comment. But I wasn't about to let him screw with my affections. Why would he flirt with ME? I'm not that cool. So I ignored it. "Well, I'm sure they'd much rather be having sex with someone else."
Then he his gaze became a bit more intense, and he said, "....and when the sex is over?" And I felt this gentle subliminal smack at the back of my head that said 'SAY SOMETHING YOU JERK!!!'
Just then, Taylor came up to the table. "Julian, there you are. I was looking for you. I said to meet me by the lockers, remember? THEN we'd come down to lunch."
"Oh, my fault dude. Must have slipped my mind. Just keeping David company for a while. Just hanging out." Then Taylor told him about going out to some burger joint down the street instead of eating school food and Julian actually looked interested to go. "Sure! Let's go!" He said, and I saw it again. That happy, perky attitude. Only Taylor could make him do that. It took whatever confidence and silly questions that I had in my mind, and broke them down into dust.
"Say David, you wanna come?" Taylor asked, finally getting around to it.
"Um...no...actually, I've go stuff to do." I lied. I figurd that being alone was the only way to keep from embarassing myself. Besides, seeing those two together only made me feel worse.
"You sure? It'll be fun." Julian said. And it was so hard to say no after his invite. But I declined again, and the two of them went on without me. Taylor's taking him out to lunch to meet people and have fun, and I'm here talking about the Backstreet Boys and the weather. No wonder I'm alone. I got up and went to the library for the rest of lunch. A quiet place to fantasize about something that'll never happen.
After a few more run ins of that nature, I got tired of watching Taylor steal the show. So I figured that I had had enough. The very next day, I walked into that classroom with the intentions of telling him that if he liked Taylor so damn much, then he should just marry the loser and quit pretending to be polite around me. Who needed him? Well...I did! But that's not the point! It had been two and a half weeks of playing second fiddle to Taylor, and it was a game that my heart just couldn't play anymore. So I got up my nerve, and waited for him to come greet me with his usual smile, probably fake, and his warm hello, also fake I'm sure. Then I'd let him have it. Then...he walked in with this weird look on his face. Not a smile, more like a look of genuine teenage fear. And his eyes met mine for a split second before he turned away. Ok...what was that about? I hadn't really prepared for this. I wondered about it the whole class period, and at the end he came walking over to me, nervous as all hell.
"Um....David, can I talk to you for a moment? P-p-please?" As ready as I was to hand him his walking papers that day, I couldn't help but melt when he said that. Anything for you, Julian. I'm such a loser.
"Yeah...what's up?" I asked.
"No....not here. Listen, can we get together afterschool? I kinda...have something to tell you. Ok?"
"Tell me? Like what?"
"Later...k? I'll see ya." And then he took off, intriguing me further. He wanted to get together with me afterschool? ME? Why? Naturally, my mind wanted so badly to believe that it was for something really good. Like hot sex, or even a quick kiss on the lips, but I'd settle for the hot sex if he was offering.
The rest of the day went by more slowly than ever before. It crawled by as though time had crammed an hour into each minute. And when that final bell rang, I flew out of that classroom like a bat out of hell and was pleased to see Julian already waiting by my locker. I tried to contain my smile, but I just couldn't. I tried not to blush, but there was no stopping that either. He wanted to talk to me...ME...and there was no Taylor in sight. It was almost enough to levitate me right off of the floor. "You ready?" I asked him anxiously.
"Yeah, let's go. Your house?" He said in that gorgeous voice of his. I swear, I was fallig for him all over again. It was incredible how awesome he looked when seen through 'rose colored glasses'.
"My house??? SURE! Let's go!" I was a bit too enthusiastic, but hey, why shouldn't I be? This was my big chance to show Julian that I can be cool too. That I actually have something to say, to offer, to give him willingly. I'd let him get to see the real me, not some dark figure that I hide behind when I put on my 'happy' mask. It would be awesome. Maybe I could change him all the way around. SWEET! It was the first uncontrollable burst of happiness I had felt in months! By the time we got to my house I was spasming with this nervous energy that churned and struggled deep in the pit of my stomach. He was going to be in my HOUSE! Julian, the great blond beauty! Oh wow! What the hell was I gonna do with myself?
I opened the door and let him in. I was so excited! I was ready to show him my room, the posters on the wall, the pics of the places I've been, the books I've read, the music I listen to, the clothes I wear...everything. I wanted to share my whole world with him, and find some common ground that we could both stand on where no one else could touch us. But...he stopped me.
"Actually, I can't really stay all that long." He said, standing in my living room. He leaned against the couch, never once taking his backpack off of his shoulder. I was beginning to wonder why he was even here. Something didn't feel right. And my joyful buzz was killed in an instant.
"Um...ok. You just wanted to tell me something, then?"
He got even more nervous, and looked up at me with those big brown eyes of his, letting their gaze hypnotize me. "Y-y-yeah...sorta. Look...um...I heard some...'things'...around school from people. Um...and I'm not saying I believe it totally...cause it could be all a rumor...but..." He just didn't want to spit it out, and I had to wait patiently to find out what the hell he was talking about.
"...but...?" I asked.
He took a deep breath and said, "...well...I heard that Taylor might be...um...kinda...gay." It sounded so cute when he said it. All shy and blushing, with that softened tone of voice. "I was just wondering if...you know...any of that was true?"
Normally, I'm one to keep the secret, but I knew Taylor, and if Julian had asked him straight out, no doubt his next plan of action if I kept my mouth shut, then he'd tell him. "Sigh...yeah...sorta. But don't tell him I told you, ok?"
That's when I saw Julian get even more nervous, and he took a really deep breath this time. "So...does that mean that you're...like...are you two...?"
Together? Is that what he meant? "NO! No no no, no way. I mean, yes...I am...gay that is...but we're not...you know...together." I figured, what the hell, he might as well know.
"Oh...good." He said. He was somewhat relieved by the look on his face, and I was dying to see where this went next. Is this it? Is this my big opportunity to say what is in my heart? I think it IS! What would Taylor do? HE'D have his mouthful by now, no doubt. To hell with that, what would *I* do in this situation? Then, as my mind went through a billion different possible scenarios, he continued. "David...um...we've been friends for a while now. And I've always been kinda quiet around you because I wasn't quite sure what to say...I mean...oh forget it."
"No, go on. Please?" I was beginning to feel that energy building up in my chest again, and the passion in my heart was strong enough to almost bring tears to my eyes.
"Look...David...I'm gonna tell you this, because I think you're...cool and everything...and you would understand without freaking out about this. Um...well...can I....That is...can you...?" He stuttered and mumbled, blushed and trembled, and I was waiting soooo very anxiously for his words.
How would he phrase it, how would I react? Oh wow...oh man...I've never felt so...
"...can you maybe tell Taylor that I think he's...kinda...cute...maybe..sorta?"
"What?" I said. My mind went blank, my heart completely stopped beating altogether, and it hurt to breathe. Taken to the very highest mountain top...and dropped to the jagged rocks below!
Julian giggled and smiled as he looked down at the floor, his blond hair falling erotically into his face. It was like the image of him on that first day all over again. "Yeah...well. He is. I think he's cute. And...I like him...a lot."
To hear that made me completely die inside. That warm sensation that ran throughout my body, suddenly turned ice cold. And the fearful realization hit me...Julian didn't love me. Not at all. Not now. Not ever. Taylor wanted to sleep with him, hold him, kiss him...and now...he could. The opportunity was there for Julian to be another lovely notch in Taylor's bedpost, and because he thought he was cute. I did all I could to completely wipe the pain from my heart long enough to get Julian out of my house, but I just couldn't speak. Not unless I wanted the waterworks to start. Ouch...this was murdering me. Slowly dragging a knife down my backside to leave an eternal wound that would be visible for all to see for the rest of my life. I don't think anything had ever hurt so much. "Oh...really? That's...that's cool."
"So you'll tell him, right?" Julian asked, his eyes brightening up a little bit. If only *I* could make them do that.
"Yeah...sure. I'll...uh...I'll tell him." And Julian came up and gave me a big hug around the neck. I didn't even hug him back, I couldn't.
"Thank you David! Thank you. Awww, dude...I didn't think either one of you were like me. This is so cool!" As he smiled gleefully over my shoulder, I tried hard not to sob madly over his. I felt my face beginning to wrinkle up, and my arms wrapped themselves around him slowly. I hugged him tightly, maybe too tightly. I began to cry softly to myself, and had to hold him for fear that he would break the hug and see my discomfort. Or maybe it was because I was trying to hold on to him for a few moments more. Hold on to the fantasy where Julian saw the real me, and was impressed. The fantasy where I'm handsome and sexy and all the boys want me while Taylor stands in MY shadow for a change.
I just wanted to hold on to the idea of Julian and what he meant to me for just a few more seconds...before handing him over to someone prettier.
We broke the hug, and I bent down to quickly pretend to tie my shoe before he saw the rivers of tears on my face. "So, was that it?" I asked, trying to appear as normal as possible.
"Um...yeah...I think so."
"Cool. Well, I'll see ya tomorrow then, k? I've got loads of homework to do." Please leave...just...go. Now. Before I lose it right here on the floor.
"Ok...um...sure. See ya." He said. I could tell he was trying to see my face, but I just pretended to tie the other shoe too and kept my head down. So he hesitated a second, and then he left. As soon as I heard the door close, and him happily trotting down the steps...I stared down at the floor. The carpet blurred out of existence, and the second I closed my eyes, more tears ran down my face. It was almost like a cool sensation to protect me from the burning of my eyes. I laid down, sprawled out on the floor, and cried for what seemed like hours. Wracking sobs that left me weak and sore, and when the tears had finally stopped, the pain was still there. I hadn't lost an ounce of it.
I ditched school for the next two days, playing sick for my mom, hoping that I could postpone telling Taylor for one more day. But then I'd think of all the fun the two of them were having without me. Julian probably told him already, that's why Taylor hadn't called to say hello over the last two days. He was probably having too much fun french kissing the boy that...I...loved...with all my...heart...And the more I thought of it, the harder I cried. For days. It never went away. It never got any better.
I went to school the next day, ready to tell Taylor what had happened. It was going to suck, sure it was, but how long would it possibly be before Julian told him himself? How long before Taylor made a move to get into his pants? What can I say? Beauty begets beauty. It's just the natural order of things. There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening now, it was just a matter of now or later. I told Taylor at the lunch table, while watching him eye another boy from across the room. I don't even think he heard me the first time I said it. "Julian? Really? SWEET! Dude! I TOLD ya he was gay!!! Oh man...oh wow...he is soooo cute! Is this awesome or what?" And it was at that exact moment that Taylor ceased to have any advantage at all over the people I hated most. I looked at him, really looked at him, and despite some good times and a few laughs...I don't know what I ever saw in him. I don't remember one thing about him that made him a friend. It was as if someone had pulled the curtain open on the great wizard of Oz, and exposed him for who he really was. Not an enemy, not an asshole...but not a friend either. Was this the truth, or was my mind clouded by the idea that I had lost out on something special. Something that I wanted, but nobody else did.
Maybe I was being selfish, but I had to think, 'what the hell is so special about Taylor?' Why does he deserve someone so incredibly special? Does Taylor even understand what true feeling is? Does he sit at home, and litterally 'ache' for Julian like I do? Will he treat him with HALF the dignity and respect and love that I could if given the opportunity? I swear...if I had Taylor's looks Julian wouldn't give him a second thought! I tried, oh how I tried, to finish my lunch there with Taylor at my side, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I stood up, and I gave him a hug. "Congratulations Taylor. I wish you the best...in everything." I said, and I hugged my 'best friend' even more tightly, knowing that it was the last hug he'd ever get from me. I remembered the good times, I remembered the laughs, I remembered the heart to heart conversations...and then, as my arms loosened around his shoulders...I let them all go. It was the only way to say goodbye.
I began to completely ignore the both of them after that. Started eating in a different part of the school, walking down different hallways, hanging out in different places. Even when I saw Julian in class, I wasn't nearly as friendly as I was before, and after a week or so, I think he got the hint. The strange thing is, I think he kinda missed talking to me. But, as much as it pained me to stay away from him, it would hurt me much more to suffer by his side any longer. Evidently the two of them had been hanging out a lot more, and with the news of Julian's feelings, I'm sure that Taylor has already claimed him as his own by now. He's probably 'deflowered' him many times, and whenever I see Julian walk into class with a smile on his face, I wonder, and it makes my stomach turn. How I wish it could be me bringing a smile to those sweet lips. More sighs, more tears, more pain. In the time that I've known him...Julian has destroyed my entire idea of love and fairness. And I still loved him for it.
An entire three week period had passed before I ran into them again outside of school. I would have liked to think that I was teaching them a lesson by removing myself from their lives, but they were together, I was alone. I doubt they even noticed I was gone. So I guess all the agony was being carried by me alone. We still shared a few of the same 'connections' however, as far as friends went, and got invited to the same party one Friday night. It was one of those days where it starts out sunny, and then a thunderstorm just appears out of nowhere. The rains came pouring down in short spurts, from a drizzle to a storm and back to a drizzle. It was strange. But by the time I had arrived at the party, it was pretty stable as your average rainy night. Everyone talked and danced and drank whatever alcahol could be swiped from their parent's liquor cabinet. But I spent most of my time looking out of the window in the living room, totally oblivious of what was going on. On either side of the glass. I just stared off into space, not really interacting with much of anybody. The only thing I took notice of really was the sight of a young boy evidently caught out in the storm. He was riding his bike in the rain as fast as he could, he couldn't have been more than ten. His red hair had been soaked and the curls were lying flat against his head. I almost identified with him somehow. Because that's how I felt sometimes. Caught out in the storm. Trying desperately to reach someplace warm while the world just kept dumping on me over and over again. Riding persistently towards some fabled sanctuary before I drown. I felt for him, and I prayed he made it home soon.
"I love the rain." Came a voice from behind me. I turned around to see Julian standing there in slightly damp clothes. His blond hair still looked perfect, even when wet. He was so beautiful to me.
"Hey. So...where's Taylor?" I asked, trying to make it seem like everything was fine. But after all this time, I knew they could tell something was up.
"He's around, talking to some friends."
"So what are you doing over here then?"
Julian sat down next to me in front of the window. "I'm talking to a friend too. Aren't I?"
Friend. Sometimes that word can sound so profane. I wasn't quite sure what to say, but I wasn't about to fake a smile. Not for him, not for anybody. "Sure." I said stiffly, and then I went back to gazing out of the window, without another word.
He waited until the silence was too much, and then he spoke. "You know, I never did thank you for telling Taylor about me. I don't think I could have done it on my own."
"Good. Your welcome."
"....yeah." There was another silence while he waited for me to add something else. But I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of hurting me anymore than he already has. "We're sorta...dating now, you know? It's weird. And he brought me to this party tonight. I feel like such a girl. Hehehehe!"
He had no idea how much this was killing me. I choked back a little sob and said, "Cool. I wish you the best."
"He's a really good kisser..."
"Is there a reason you're over here talking to me?" I asked, interrupting him coldly before he finished devouring what was left of my heart through his play-by-play commentary.
Julian gave me a hurt look. "What? I'm not supposed to even talk to you anymore? Come on David, it's been weeks. What did we do? I miss talking to you."
"What did you DO? You know what?" I said.
"NO! I DON'T know what. Tell me. Come on, I hate this." I wanted to tell him, to spit it right in his face while he was looking at me. Searching for a reason with those...those...damn beautiful eyes of his. But what was I going to do? Be a brat and force him to love me? Make him feel guilty enough to kiss me while I pretend that it means something to him? Who am I to ask him to pass up a hottie like Taylor to be with...me? So I backed down.
"Sigh...Whatever." I said, and I got up and walked away. He didn't try to follow me at first, which suited me just fine. I didn't need any more pain. I've filled my quota for the rest of my life. I moped around the party for a bit longer, about a half hour or so, when Julian found me again as I was leaning up against a wall. "What, are you stalking me now?"
"David, why are you being like this?"
I gave him a dirty look and wanted to just walk away, but something told me to stay. "So you and Taylor are a couple now, huh? Am I supposed to be happy for you?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Did you fuck him yet?" I asked, biting my lower lip in anger.
He asked, so I spelled it out for him. "Did...you...fuck...him...yet? Easy question, easy answer." It almost felt good, turning my fear, my pain, my heartache, into blind anger. Anger had purpose. Anger had direction. I could USE anger to make him hurt the way I did, and I liked it.
Julian looked appalled, like I had just taken the cheapest shot known to man. "...you know David...you are really sick, you know that? I was wrong about you."
"I think I was wrong about you too."
"Yeah, well if you need your curiosity satisfied, NO, I didn't FUCK him yet! Not that it's any of your business!" He said, beginning to get loud. Even over the music, I think a few people's heads were turning to see what was going on. Good thing they didn't really hear what we were saying.
"Awww...Julian's holding out. Good for him. Not so good for Taylor though. He usually has a 'mouthful' by the second date when he finds himself a nice piece of ass. You must be really special..."
"FUCK YOU!" He shouted, and pushed his way past me to go into another room. On his way, I saw him knock some kid's drink all over him, leaving a huge red stain. But he didn't stop, he just kept going. Up until that point, that other kid was one of the most popular guys there, just as beautiful and gorgeous as all the other faceless kids that I had hated for so long. But Julian just pushed him aside, as though he was nothing special at all. It was almost a metaphor for how I felt about him. Him being able to push every pretty face aside and stand alone as the only boy on Earth who could capture my attention. Or make me this crazy inside. A few people looked at me for causing a scene, but it was forgotten as quickly as it had started. Then, a few minutes after my adrenaline had calmed down a bit, I realized what had just taken place. What I had done. How irreversible the damage was. And how utterly stupid I was for letting it happen. It was enough to bring me to tears, and I knew I had to leave. It was over...completely over. They win. On my way out, I saw Taylor sitting on the couch with Jordan from the track team, giving him the old Taylor charm. I know the difference between Taylor's conversation and his pension for flirting. That was flirting. What a jerk. He has no idea what he's taking for granted. Just as well, he didn't deserve Julian anyway. I'd rather see Julian with somebody who gives a damn...even if it's not me.
I walked out in the pouring rain, never once hastening my step. For once, the cold water felt good as it washed over me. Soaking my clothes, my hair, flooding my shoes. I felt ten pounds heavier, but something about it just seemed to wash away my anger, and leave only the pain behind. One thing about the rain...no one can see you crying, no matter how hard you weep. That was a plus for this occassion.
I walked all the way back to my house and began digging in my pockets for my keys. I rummaged around for a few minutes when I suddenly remembered something. Jermaine...at the party. He borrowed my keychain because it had a bottle opener on it for his stupid import beer. I didn't want to take the time to take my keys off, so I just handed him the whole thing. SHIT! Eight blocks in the rain and now I had to walk BACK to the party, then BACK home again! Wonderful! Well, THIS is turning out to be a memorable evening, isn't it?
I marched back to the house and walked around the corner to go to the back door. I knew Jermaine wouldn't be too far from his beer, so he'd be stationed in the kitchen until it was all gone. As I walked through the door, Taylor walked past me, with Jordan right behind him.
"David! Dude, long time no see." He said.
"Really? Good. Let's keep it that way." And I walked right past him without saying another word. To think of him even 'contemplating' the idea of treating Julian with anything but infinite love disgusted me. He was so lucky, and he just didn't care. And I wanted to be just like him. Sad when I think about it.
I got my keys back from a sloppy Jermaine after he had killed a six pack, and walked back out of the house a few minutes later. As I passed the porch, there was Taylor and Jordan, leaning up against the garage on the other side of the backyard, with the roof keeping them somewhat dry. It was just far off enough to keep them covered in a little shadow of privacy. And they were much too close to just be talking. They were kissing. Looks like Taylor scored himself another victim. How he can live with himself is beyond me. For crying out loud, I didn't even think Jordan was GAY! Boy is HE gonna be ready to give up alcahol after tonight. I couldn't watch this anymore, so I kept walking around the house to start my journey back home. But when I turned the corner...I saw a shadowed figure standing there. Wet, shivering, sniffling...leaning against the side of the house and just out of Taylor's sight. At a closer look, it was Julian, and he was crying.
"Julian? What the heck are you doing out here? You'll catch pneumonia!" I asked, but when his hurtful eyes met mine, it cut me straight to the bone. As though I felt his pain magnified 100 times worse than he did. He looked at me for a second, then looked back to where I just came from...crying even harder. He was trying to hold it back, but it didn't work. Evidently, he had stumbled across Taylor's little escapade without Taylor knowing about it. I felt so bad, so incredibly bad. "Dude...are...are you...ok..?"
"You probably think this is pretty funny, don't you? Don't you? You've been waiting for this to fail since day one." He cried.
"Me? Waiting for what? For THIS? I didn't have anything to do with this."
"I was hoping to make something of this relationship. To make it work and have the same fairy tale romance that I see in the movies, that I read about in storybooks. But it's all a bunch of lies. They're just...illusions that authors make up to deceive people into getting their hearts broken time and time again. Well, I'm SICK of it! I'm not looking for a romance anymore! I just want to be alone!"
"You're not alone Julian. I'm here."
"No you're NOT! You hate me. You always have. You never wanted to talk to me, never wanted to hang out with me, you avoid me for weeks on end, and then...just when we were beginning to be friends, you cut me off. So I decided to stop waiting for the knight in shining armor and I made a play for Taylor. Do you know what it's like to feel so alone, and then suddenly have somebody accept and embrace you like that? Nobody else cared enough to do it. So I made out with him a few times, he WANTED to. He whispered sweet things in my ear, he touched me all over and he made me feel sexy and wanted and loved. I was almost ready to give in and go all the way. And now he goes and does THIS? I hope you're both happy." He said, and he started to walk away from me. I walked behind him and caught up after we got a half block away.
"You know...for the record, I don't hate you." I said.
"It's TRUE! I never hated you. I just didn't know what to say to you. You were...Taylor's friend. You were out of my league. I didn't think there was a place for me." He wiped his wet blond hair out of his eyes and looked at me.
"I didn't think there would be a place for me either between you guys. I wanted to get to know you David. Taylor talked to me, he made it so easy. But whenever I tried to get close to you, you shot me down or backed away or got quiet on me. I didn't know how to get you to share a little piece of yourself with me."
The rain was coming down in buckets now, making enough noise to drown out everything below a shout, but hearing his voice strain and crack a little was actually kinda cute. "I've been wanting to share a piece of myself with you for a long time Julian. Seriously."
We stood there on the side of the street, drenched in cold rain, looking at each other for a minute without saying a word. We never realized what we had been missing in each other's company. And as I looked upon his face, I saw that same beauty I had noticed before return in all its glory, and I was totally in love. I had been all along. From the very first moment I saw him, I knew there was more beauty inside of him than all of the others put together. I was in love...completely lost in it. So much so, that I was compelled to tell him. Right there in the rain. This was my chance, and I was going to take it. As the clock struck midnight, I began to shout out, "I love you Julian!" But a loud crack of thunder boomed from the heavens above, completely scaring the hell out of us both and covering every word of it! We jumped like a couple of scared toddlers, and just as I was about to repeat it again, a truck sped passed us and splashed an ocean's worth of rain water in our faces! We sat there spitting out the nasty street water and rubbing it out of our eyes. "What the HELL??? Watch it asshole!!!" I shouted after the truck. Like he cared. He was probably laughing himself silly. I looked over at Julian, with his shirt covered in dirty water, with a leaf hanging from the side of his face. And he looked back at me, which must have been an equally funny sight. And as soon as I spit out some grit that had been splashed up on my face, Julian smiled. That was the catalyst that set off an unstoppable fit of giggles. Suddenly the rain didn't matter so much, how much MORE wet and dirty could we get?
"Let's go to your house, it's closer than mine!" He said, his smile lifting my soul above the storm clouds and into the unseen peaceful skies on top. I agreed and we splashed our way back to my house and I handed him a towel at the front door. We both dried ourselves, kicking off our shoes and coats. It was funny, but when Julian took off his socks, I noticed that he had these cute little feet. Hehehehe! Call me a weirdo, but they were really...um...sexy feet. With wet little wrinkles and all. We both wrapped up in the towels, and after turning up the heat a little bit, I handed him a robe. "Do you mind if I put these in the drier?"
"Put what in the drier?"
"My clothes." He said. I hope my eyes didn't roll too far out of my head. The surprise just caught me and I suddenly couldn't breathe again. Julian...naked..in my house...alone...while wearing MY robe.
"Um...yeah. Go...go ahead." I said. "You mind if I take a quick shower too?"
"Um...yeah. Go...go ahead." I repeated. "There's a c-c-clean towel and washcloth...on the...on the door."
And he went into the bathroom to undress. I heard a little bit of movement in there, and was immediately excited. "He's getting NAKED in there!!!! Right on the other side of that door!!! He's slipping off his underwear and everything!!!" I thought to myself. Then I heard the shower running and my mind ran wild. I'll never wash that towel or wascloth ever again. My erection began to poke annoyingly at the front of my wet jeans, and I had to fight to keep it comfortably positioned. I just listened to the cascading water of the shower as it bounced off of Julians sleek young body. I sat on the floor next to the bathroom door, so that I could hear every move he made. It was one of the most erotic moments of my life. It was so tempting to kick open that door and just grab him! But I knew better. I just wanted to enjoy those few precious moment while I could.
He came out a few minutes later and handed me his wet clothes. Boxers and all. I wasn't able to move when he handed them to me, and after a second or two, I saw him nervously check to make sure the robe was all the way closed. It snapped me back into reality, and I tried to go back to normal as I showed him where the drier was. I tried not to look, but the thought of his beautifully naked body being just on the other side of my bathrobe drove me crazy. And God did he smell good. As I started the drier, I knew that I had an entire hour to just...have him roam free in my house.
"Um...help yourself to something in the fridge if you want. I'm going to take a shower myself. O...ok?" He said 'cool' in the cutest way. But he seemed to not be half as nervous about this whole predicament as I was. Then again, he wasn't really feeling what I was feeling. So I just jumped in the shower and let the warm water relax me. I had dreamy visions of Julian walking in to join me, but that was wishful thinking at its finest. I was only apart from him for a few minutes, but I still couldn't wait to see him again. Oh Lord, why are you teasing me like this?
Naturally, I had another pair of clothes to wear, so I put them on. I would have loved to sit naked with Julian, but the idea of it terrified me to tell you the truth. When I came out of the bathroom, Julian wasn't in the living room where I left him. "Julian?"
"In here dude." It was coming from my room. I looked around the corner, and there was Julian, standing in my room wearing nothing but a bathrobe, and looking at the walls. "Hey..." He said. "I like your room. It's unique."
"Hehehehe....'unique'...that's a good word for it." I blushed.
"No seriously, I love it." And he sat on my bed, telling me how he had been amazed the second he walked through the door. My room's walls were covered with poems and quotes, things I had collected my whole life. >From books I'd read, from movies I'd seen, from my friends, from my family, from graffiti sprayed in the subway and bathroom stalls, song lyrics, bible scriptures...everything. My room was wallpapered with them. And he really just couldn't stop staring at them, reading little words of wisdom here and there. Laughing at a few of them. I sat down next to him, after a few minutes of trying desperately to look up his robe to see if I could secretly catch a glimpse of anything, and just talked with him for a while. And the whole while, I kept thinking to myself...'this is nice'.
Julian chatted happily along with me, and it was so cool to release a little bit of that tension inside for a second and just be friends. But then I examined him up close for the first time, REALLY took a good look at him without being to scared to look away, and he was more amazing than I could have ever hoped or dreamed. So the conversation continued. I didn't worry about boring him, or making a bad impression, I just talked. And he seemed to eat it up. We had more in common than we thought. Soon, the conversation went towards us being gay, and when we found out about ourselves...and that eventually led up to the events of the last few weeks.
"Can I ask you a question? I don't know if it's appropiate or anything. But I'm curious." I asked.
"Why Taylor? What makes him so...attractive to people." Mentioning his name made Julian's smile fade a little. And it pained me to see it.
"I don't know. He was cute, he was funny...most of all, I think it was just his confidence. He could talk to me and not care about what the answer was, good or bad. It was like I didn't have to work to impress him at all. It was something about the way he seemed so sure of himself. I don't know, it's hard to explain." He said.
"So...you still...love him, huh?"
"No, I don't think so. I don't think I ever did, really. Attracted to him, sure. Friends, maybe on an occassion or two. But love? I just didn't feel it. It wasn't love. I wanted it to be, but it just wasn't. Even when I tried to make it so. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I figured, get one of the cutest guys around, make out with him, and I had to fall sooner or later. But I never did. That's why I didn't sleep with him. I didn't want to give my virginity away to someone I didn't really care about. Not that he didn't try. Hehehehe."
"So he did try to score with you, huh?"
"Oh God yes! Over and over and over. He kept saying he wanted to spend more time with me. I guess so he could have more chances to strike out." He laughed a little and it was just a religious experience to me. Taylor...striking out...how original. "I thought for sure he would have complained about me by now. I was kinda surprised that you had to ask." Ouch...I had almost forgotten about my little outburst. "Yeah...about that....look, I'm sorry for what I did at the party tonight."
"Forget it. If I hadn't been trying to talk to you, I wouldn't have left Taylor alone for five minutes, and I wouldn't have discovered him for the two bit snake he really was until it was too late. Sigh...live and learn I suppose." Julian looked down at the floor, and I would have given him a hug, but he was NAKED under that thing! One touch of his soft body and I would have sprung a boner faster than he could blink! I'm sure neither one of us needed that.
There was a moment of silence and we decided to drop it. So we moved on to happier subjects, and he leaned back a little bit, the bathrobe parting ever so slightly to sho a little of the inside of his thigh. I gasped quietly, and I think Julian could tell. "Knock it off you pervert." He grinned sexily. Then he blushed a little bit as he covered himself a bit. I was embarrassed at getting caught, but I couldn't help but giggle myself. "So tell me more about yourself man. I obviously don't know a fraction of what there is to know." He asked.
"R-r-really? No kidding?" Is this it? Is he giving me the chance to tell him who I am, who I was, who I wanted to be? And when he told me he did, I was so ecstatic that it was hard to hide it. I spent the next hour rambling on and on and on. I had been waiting for this all my life. For someone who would care enough to just take that peek into my world and take an interest. Someone who would just try to see things the way I do, who would be willing to get to the heart of me and learn something from me for a change. I showed him everything, how every inch of my room had a special meaning, how every story in my life had five more story spin-offs, how everything all came together and made me who I am. It was great! I could have talked to him forever, and he was fascinated by it. He was actually paying attention and not just thinking of what he was going to say next. It was a feeling that I don't think I'll ever be able to top. And as we laid next to each other on the bed, we kept getting closer and closer. Mostly to read the quotes on the ceiling. Then we stopped talking for a short while to just read them. I never got tired of a few special quotes, no matter how many times I saw them, and having Julian reading them with me gave them a whole new feeling. That's when our eyes landed on the one right above us. We just stard at it, and then Julian read it outloud.
"Love is the constant feeling of completeness when you are with that someone, and not wanting that moment to end for anything." It sounded so wonderful coming from his lips, and he turned to look at me. But I didn't dare turn back. "Where did you find that one?" He said, but his voice was different, softer...hazier...
I was extremely nervous, and I could feel him watching me. Starig directly at me, and I had to fight just to breathe. "...uh...I don't...I don't really remember..."
"Oh...well, it's good. And it's true." I finally got the courage to look into his eyes, and I was amazed with what I saw there. An undefined emotion came over both of us, and my heart beat at double the normal speed. I could taste his breath on my lips as we looked at one another, our noses only inches apart. "You're really cool, David. You know that?"
"No..." I answered.
"If you ask me, you should be having way more sex than Taylor." He smiled.
Then I inched closer gradually until our noses touched, sending an electric shock running through me. "And...when the sex is over...?" I whispered.
"...when the sex is over...I'll still be here...waiting for you." He whispered back, a tender trembling in his voice, and then he leaned forward and gently kissed me on the lips. From that kiss until the day I die, I would always have that one golden moment permanently embedded in my heart. Never have I felt so invinceable. So emotionally guarded from any and every problem the world could ever throw my way. Julian's kiss was timeless, and more spectacular than I had imagined so many times before.
His lips tasted so sweet, and he pressed his body against mine as we rolled back and forth slowly, enjoying our young love. At one pint, his robe had fallen open, and his naked body lay on top of mine. I even had the opportunity to feel every inch of him. The curve of his back, the nape of his soft neck, his silky blond hair, the rise of the globes of his behind, his sides, his chest, his thighs...he was so warm. I didn't even feel 'grounded', as though I would float away if I didn't have the weight of his slim body to hold me down. And that's how we remained, for almost an entire hour. Just kissing, and touching, and exploring. My mind wanted to hold back for fear of being hurt. My body wanted to go further, to get that release and please him the best way I knew how. My soul wanted to be one with his, to clutch him tightly against me until neither one of us could breathe. But my heart...my heart was content to just lay beside him, and share one endless kiss. So, despite being incredibly hard and majorly horny, kissing is all we did that night. And we laid side by side, staring at the ceiling, and listening to the rain pelt my window with its sweet natural rhythm.
I wanted someone, someone for me. Someone who could look past everything else and see something inside of me that would be worthwhile. Something that lasts forever. And Now that Julian and I were together...it could. He was literally shaking when we were finished, and before getting dressed again, he took off the robe, and showed me his body. All of it. And I nearly cried. As he kissed me again, before leaving my house that night...he promised it to me. And to nobody else. To hell with the others, they don't have what I have. It was too late to turn back now, I had fallen deep in love. Fallen...like so many drops of rain.