Date: Sun, 4 Jan 2004 19:35:13 -0800 (PST) From: Josh Paomer Subject: Song of Spirits part 1 Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction that depicts graphic sexual acts between male teenagers. Any similarities between characters or events are purely coincidental. If this subject offends you, is illegal in the area you are residing in, and/or you are under 18, then don't read it. Author's note: You guys have probably heard it hundreds of times, but I'm only going to say this once: this is my first story so please be kind. Of course constructive criticism is always welcome and appreciated! Part 1 "Hey Fag, hope you enjoyed your summer because you're going to go through hell this year." A voice sneered behind me while I was putting my stuff into my locker. I sighed. Josh Cantik. My very own personal tormentor, him and about 10 of his sidekicks have probably signed some blood contract that vowed to never go through a day without making mine as miserable as possible. "Gee, thanks for the heads up. I'd love to spend more time with you too." I said turning around. He was about 6'3" and built like the football player that he is. He could probably throw me across the school without breaking a sweat. He shoved me, hard into my locker. "Fucking twerp, I'm gonna beat you to pulp the next time I see you." With that little speech of the day, he and his little followers fled from my holy sight. I groaned, rubbing the back of my head. This year sure as hell certainly will be interesting. This all happened earlier this summer when he found out I was gay when he and his minions caught Troy and I in one of our little passionate displays of affection. I haven't gotten beat up yet, but I knew without a doubt, it's coming perhaps even today. Great, don't you just love the first day of school? My best friend since second grade, Brendan moved away this summer, and Troy got transferred to a private school so he wouldn't get harassed. Well what about me? I've suddenly got no friend or boyfriend here to keep my sanity in check. I buzzed through my classes, feeling really out of it. In fact I barely remember the day passing by. What was I thinking about? Trash. I am like the biggest daydreamer in the world. I mean, seriously with such an active imagination, my mind is rarely ever where I am. So I wasn't being sarcastic when I say Troy and Brendan kept me sane. When people talk to me, I usually catch myself and come back into reality, but when nothing attracts my attention, it's like I go off into the world of unknown and unreal. Most of the adventures in my head end up in writing, I love to write, to be able to control and create a world that fits my idea of life. Sometimes though, a certain daydream leaves me with a feeling, a certain emotion and I end up having to draw or paint in order to try and capture this feeling forever on paper when words just can't do the trick. Yeah, I know I'm a dork. Actually, I think I started obsessively daydreaming when I was eight or something; my mom died and my dad was left with five kids, all of whom were boys. He just completely gave up on life in a way. He started to drink and gamble and all that shit until we became broke and moved to the run down shack that is currently known as "home." Well fortunately my youngest brother was16, oldest (Ian, Julian, and Brent are triplets) were18 at the time. Unfortunately for me though, I was the youngest: eight years old at the time and it seemed like suddenly everyone just sort of forgot me. Nobody really wanted to take care of me so I ended up developing survival skills pretty early in my life. Then my dad had gotten abusive after Kyle moved out two years later and I was about 10. I don't know exactly how it started. I think he was drunk one night and started crying and screaming for my mom. When I tried to comfort him, he started hitting and kicking me, taking out his anger on me. When he got sober, he felt horrible for it and the more horrible he felt, the more he felt like he needed to take it out on me as a punching bag whenever he drank. It was a horrible cycle that I eventually got used to. Anyway I think the only reason why I'm alive is because I always had an outlet. I can always tune everything in my life out and travel to a different world, catching a ride with the imagination boat. I know, sounds pathetic and maybe even weird, but as I read later, many troubled kids actually seek this alternate way to suicide. So back to what I was saying before, I went through the day all dandy and mellow and then guess what happened when I was walking out of the bathroom about to leave for home? That's right, Josh happened. I was washing my hands when he came in by himself. Seeing me, he suddenly had this smirk on his face and I got this feeling that I wasn't going to be able to go home walking today. I tried to ignore him but when I tried to step away from him, he barred the door with his arm and then locked it against the outside. My heart was beating so hard I can feel it pounding in my chest but damned if I was going to show it. "Nuh-uh, you didn't think you were just going to float through the day did you?" He asked. I hated the stupid glint in his eyes when he knows he's got me cornered. "Josh, you don't have to do this. I mean, with all the extra attention you show, I may think you actually liked me." Ok, I gotta learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes. But at least I got it out with a nonchalant tone. He gave a grin that said you have no idea what you're talking about. "Blow me." I was so shocked, I couldn't even move. It was only when he started shoving me onto my knees that I snapped out of a daydream that obviously followed with any traumatizing emotion or event. "Wait. What? Are you a fag?" I asked in surprise, backing away from his reach. That was either bravery or foolishness, though sometimes there's little difference between the two. Anger clouded his face and the next thing I know, I was on the dirty bathroom floor with a ringing sound in my ear. I groaned and flipped over and found him standing over me, pushing his boxers down his legs. Holy shit he's actually serious. No fucking way. I mean, what was he? Crazy? I struggled through the haze and tried to roll away but he stepped hard on my shoulder, forcing me onto my back. "Josh, you fucking idiot, If you think I'm going to willingly suck you off, you're even stupider than I thought. I'm gonna fucking bite it off if you shove that in my mouth." That earned me another punch but while I was struggling from passing out, I did experience the satisfaction of seeing him a bit unsure. He seemed to pause above me before starting to swear at me and call me obscene names. Sticks and stones, dude. "You fucking faggot, I'm gonna fuck you until you bleed!' He screamed at me. For some reason, that sent me over the edge. I was beyond fear, if he wanted to do it, I couldn't stop him, but I sure as hell wasn't going to just lay there and let him. He reached down to rip my pants off but I brought my legs up and nailed him in the midsection sending him crashing into a sink. I started to get up, but for some reason, besides the unbelievable headache I had, I couldn't seem to focus at all, everything was really disorienting and I couldn't even seem to think straight. It was weird, I mean I've been knocked around plenty of times but usually I just got a little dizzy and got over it with a headache. But this time, despite the fact that I knew I had to get away, knew I had something urgent to do, but I couldn't figure out what it was and where I was or why I was running. I got up onto my feet and crashed into the wall, I tried to stand up straight but my balance was all wrong. By this time, Josh had recovered. He rammed into me and before I had time to even figure out what had hit me, I was on the bathroom floor again with kicks landing everywhere on me. I was so far gone after awhile, I didn't even notice he'd stopped. The next thing I know, there's this unbelievably horrendous pain in my ass that literally felt like I was being split apart. It felt like he'd taken all the pain that I've ever experienced in my life and put it all together and shoved it into me. I heard myself scream, the first time in all of this, and I couldn't stop. It was like hearing someone else, the scream just went on and on until all that came out was hoarse rasping, but still I was trying to scream as loud as I could with each thrust. I felt tears course down my face, before everything just sort of went numb and I went into the blessed oblivion. My eyelids felt so heavy, so so heavy, and I wanted nothing more than to just sink back into the darkness. But I knew, I knew it was time to go on. It was either this or death. I don't think I really made a conscious decision because I'm sure if I thought about it, I would have given up and chose death, but my body chose for me. There was a really bright light that took me a few moments to adjust to. Then I saw Troy by my side, holding my hand but fast asleep. I felt weak, so weak but I managed to squeeze his hand slightly. He came awake almost instantly; he always had been a light sleeper. I smiled from the dazed look in his vibrant green eyes. "Cerulean? Oh my God, you're awake! Oh baby, I've missed you so much!" He jumped to life. My name, yeah actually I think that's the first time my name was mentioned. And yeah, it's Cerulean. I know I know, it's weird as hell, and I'll explain later on how anyone came up with that. My throat hurt really bad, dry and I don't know how to explain it, really heavy. But no pain, no pain at all. Everything was just completely numb. But I tried to smile; I tried to reassure him that I was fine. But when I tried to speak, nothing came out but air. Finally I mouthed, "I love you." There were tears in his eyes, "I love you too Cerulean, I love you so much. I- I thought I'd lost you..." His voice broke and tears coursed down his face. I noticed there was an old bruise on his cheek. I reached a hand out and gently traced the bruise, wiping away the tears. "I"m sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there..." He was sobbing now. I felt so bad. I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't have stopped it if he wanted to. I tried to talk, but again nothing but air came out of my mouth. I ran a hand over my throat. The flesh was tender but where my Adam's apple should have been, it was completely smooth, like there was nothing there. Troy saw my action, and he sobbed even louder. "It's all my fault. I tried though. I was waiting for you after school...I wanted to surprise you so we could go out on a date later. When you didn't come out of the school, I went in to look for you. But I was too late...too late. H-he'd already-" He became incoherent with sobs. The memories had actually finally settled in now and I could feel tears gliding down my own cheeks. When I tried to reach out a hand further to comfort him, something bound my arms to the bed. It was then that I realized I was completely strapped down. Troy saw what I was trying to do and once again tried to start on the memories, "You had a concussion and-" Just then, a nurse walked in, "I'm going to have to ask you to leave now Mr. Marcus. Welcome back, Cerulean is it?" I nodded, and Troy said a tearful goodbye promising to come back as soon as they let him. The nurse started checking on the IV and the life support machines. The doctor walked in, and elderly looking man. He greeted me, and then studied my chart. "Okay Cerulean, I'm going to tell you what happened, and then a police officer will be with you shortly to discuss the incident." Ah, so now it's known as the 'incident.' Why won't they just say the word rape? "You suffered a concussion that unfortunately due to other head injuries, made the situation worse. There were four broken ribs, two of which pierced your left lung." He sighed, sitting down at the edge of the bed. "There was internal bleeding within the rectum as well as the presence of semen. You will be discussing that in further detail with the police officer." I tried to say something, but again, nothing came out. "Fortunately there was no permanent damage in your brain but...there were difficulties in surgery when we tried to repair a throat injury. I'm afraid; you won't have proper use of your voice for a while. At least until we perform more surgeries which will follow your initial recovery. He waited for this to sink in. I was crying again, I was never going to be able to speak again. I struggled weakly to turn to my side but the straps held me down securely. "You woke up a couple of days ago and you were very violent, we had to suppress you so that you did not injure yourself. Due to possible psychological damage, your friend's family Brendan Cane has provided you support at a recovery ward where you will receive psychological help that will hopefully let you recover sooner. You will leave immediately after we run a few more tests." I think he said more but I couldn't hear anything anymore. This has got to be the icing on the cake, I mean here I am, half dead after going through one of the most traumatizing events of my life just to be told that I will no longer be able to speak and then will be sent away from everything in my life to a mental institution. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I think actually I was just numb. I don't think I really got it yet, haven't absorbed the information. The doctor was saying something, poking my eye for some reason. I kind of wanted to respond but I was in one of my daydreams or at the moment, maybe a day mare. Little was I to know it was soon going to be reality. "Now, this is going to be your room. A staff will be here to give you your medications in the morning and right before bedtime. Free time will be from 2:00pm to 6:00. Lights are out promptly at 9:00 and mandatory quiet time starts at 10:00 pm till 4:00 am. A doctor will be working with you during the rest of the time. You got any questions?" I shook my head. " Alright, why don't you get settled in, I will come and get you in about half an hour so you can join the other boys for lunch." She left with a fake smile on her face. I sat on the bed and looked at the room. It was small room where the bed took up half of the space. There was a window next to the bed that outlooked the play ground and basketball courts. There was a couple of kids out of there, mostly younger than I was though. I sighed, not that I'm going to be making friends here or something. I turned my attention back to my bag and started to put my clothes into the small wardrobe that was provided. Besides the necessities, I brought along a small stone that my mother had gave me before she died. It was a deep ocean blue that was divided in half by a ring of bright gold that circled around the middle. She told me that this was the reason she named me Cerulean, because my eyes were the exact same shade as the stone, my hair the perfect blush of gold. Her grandfather whom she was very close to gave it to her. She told me that whenever I felt lonely or scared, the magical powers in this stone would protect me everywhere I go. I smiled thinking of the days when I used to pretend that if I held onto the stone long enough, my mom would come back to me. How wrong I was. Almost immediately after I woke up from my coma, the agencies started to call in. Expressing their condolences and worries until they learned that I was no longer able to talk...or sing. Then they had ditched me, thrown me away like garbage. I had cried, my mind on the edge of panic as I realized my only way out of the hell hole I called life had been stripped away along with my innocence that fateful day. Music had been my way out, my way of coping with everything in my life since my mom left, and when I found out that several agencies wanted to sign me on as the next star of America, life had suddenly took on a new meaning. It was as if I actually cared about the things around me because I had a goal in life, I had a reason in which to live. The agencies had absolutely loved me, they loved my voice, my shy personality, and my looks. How fake it all was. I actually thought somebody cared about me. As a person. I was snapped out of my daydream as a knock sounded on my door. Before I had time to respond, it opened to reveal the nurse that had been here a while ago. I didn't realize it had been half an hour already; I must have sat there with my hands clenching the stone during almost all that time. "Are you ready?" She asked. I nodded, even though I wasn't. I don't think I was ready to face the world, to face other people. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and be left alone for an eternity. I followed her through a maze of hallways before we came to this really big room, maybe a quarter size of a football stadium that was filled with hundreds of people. The kids there were mostly my age, some younger, some older but basically the same age range that any normal high school would have. "Go ahead and get in line to grab a meal, you are free to leave for free time as soon as you are finish eating. If you need any help, go to any of the adults." Some woman called to the nurse and she left without another word, laughing and holding her arms out for a hug from another nurse. I looked dismally around the room, at the hundreds of people lined up for food, some of whom were eating in small clusters and groups. Despite the fact that there were so many people here, I don't think I've ever felt so lonely before in my life. Slowly, I made my way to the end of the line, behind a bunch of boys that were about a year or two older than me. They were laughing at something and was completely absorbed in their conversation while I started to space out, thinking about what it would have been like if the agencies had let me become a star. "Hey, you new here?" A voice interrupted my thoughts. I snapped out of my pleasant make belief world and looked up toward the origin of the voice. The guy had short dark hair that fell slightly over his vibrant hazel eyes. He seemed to be startled when I looked up, but it did nothing to faze his perfect face. By now almost all of his companions were staring at me weirdly. I didn't know what to do so I just nodded, hoping they would leave me alone. "Oh, well my name is Jake, and this here is Derrick, Jason, Zack, and Monkey Face." The last guy that was mentioned, a six ft tall, very good looking guy shoved Jake as they all cracked up. He looked back at me and said, "My name is Beau." I smiled timidly, and I realized that this was the first time that a genuine smile had touched my lips since the incident. Geez, even I'm starting to refer to it as "The Incident." They looked at me again, and I realized they were expecting my name. I blushed and nervously tapped my throat and shook my hands. Jake looked at me quizzically for a moment and then said, "Oh! You can't speak?" I shook my head and then looked down at the floor. I knew they wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore, I mean after all I can't even talk normally. "Well, why don't you grab a lunch and then sit down with us so we can get to know you better. Maybe you can write down what you want to say or something." Jake said after a moment. I looked up in surprise and smiled again, nodding my head eagerly. I was so glad they were going to give me a chance. All his friends seemed really nice too as they grabbed a lunch and sat down. I went through the line, grabbing just a sandwich and water before I joined Jake and his buddies. As I approached the table, I felt a bit of apprehension as the group started laughing at something. They seemed so close and...I don't know, together that I felt a little intimidated. But before I had time to consider my other options, Jake waved me over. He made a spot between himself and Beau and I sat down nervously. "So what's your name?" Derrick asked. I quickly took out a notepad and a pen and wrote down my name. "Cerulean? Is that how you pronounce it?" Jake asked, looking at a card. The guys all tried out the sound of my name. I nodded that it was correct. He smiled warmly, "It fits you." I was surprised with his response. I've never had anyone tell me that before. I quickly scribbled down a thank you. "So how old are you?" Jason asked. He had a really deep voice that kinda didn't fit the boyish face. I wrote down, 16. Then hesitating slightly, I wrote; how long have you all been here? "Beau and I have been here for two years. We've been best friends even before we got sent here actually." Jake said taking a bite out of his food. "I've been here for 6 months." Jason said. "About a year." Derrick responded. "Going on my second year too." Zack answered. I nodded, curious about why they were sent here. Jake must have read my mind or something because he said, "We don't have any mental problems. This 'hospital' is just sort of a place where teens that had received very traumatic impact is sent to where there are resources to help them if they want it, and a place to start out and make some new friends. I nodded again, understanding. Well at least they didn't think I was crazy or something. The rest of the dinner went by very quick. After the initial introductions, they all treated me like I'd been a friend with them for years or something. They joked around and were very patient with me when I had to write things down. Afterwards, they went out into the basketball courts to shoot some hoops. I'm not very good at these types of sports, there's a reason why I stick with running you know? So, I told them I'd see them later and decided to take a tour of the place. It was a very big yard, but it reminded me so much of a jail if not for the fact that all the kids wore different clothes instead of orange uniforms. There was about six basketball courts, a couple of tennis courts, a track, and an actual playground where some of the younger kids hung out. By now most of the kids were out in the yard after dinner, just hanging out in clusters of groups. There were several stares from some of the people there but I walked on, fascinated by seemingly a little piece of heaven on Earth. I mean after all, it seemed like besides the few lectures from shrinks and whatnot, this place was like funland. Okay, bad choice of word but I'm still a kid okay? I kind of wanted to go around the building and explore the whole premises, which was why I wandered out further than I should. I should have turned around when the crowds became sparse and shadows created by the building in the setting sun became more frequent but I was so deeply in thought in one of my daydreams that I didn't realize somebody was following me. I was standing at the edge of a creek, looking into the trickling water when I heard a twig snap behind me. Startled, I turned around to find a tall, lean guy standing behind me. He had a head of auburn hair that glowed with the light of the dying sun, and a smile that was just a bit too confident for my taste. "Hey cutie, didn't mean to scare ya. Just wanted to meet you away from the crowd." He said, slowly making his way toward me. I looked around and belatedly realized that there was no one within sight. I backed away a bit, butterflies crawling in my stomach frantically. When I didn't say anything, he took it as an invitation to approach me. "You have got to be the prettiest boy I've ever seen before in my life." He paused, looking at me intently with the same smile playing on his lips. "Your eyes are so intense! I've never seen that color blue before in my life." He chuckled, "Are you sure you didn't fall from heaven?" He was very close to me now and I was seriously freaking out, but at the same time a small part of me was thinking, that was the cheesiest pick up line I've ever heard! I slipped on the rock and almost fell in but he grabbed my arm and hauled me away from the edge. I was tugging incessantly on my arm, trying to losen up my grip and put some distance between us. "Hey, hey! Calm down will you? I'm not going to hurt you!" He said giving me a slight shake. Flashbacks went through my head, and I went totally limp in defeat. I'll just do whatever this guy wants and maybe he'll leave me alone when he's done. As much as I tried to calm my mind down though, I couldn't keep the trembling from going through my body. "That's better, I won't hurt you...yet." He laughed. I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not. "Anyway, what's your name?" He asked. Without looking at him, I took out the card that I had written my name on earlier. He looked at it. "Are you mute or something?" I nodded, feeling a pang of shame. He laughed and said, "Alright, well I'll leave you alone if you give me a kiss." I looked at him in shock, but he just laughed and using his grip on my arm, he pulled me flush against his body. I started to fight him but he wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me hard into him. Despite his lean physique, he was strong, much stronger than I was. His other hand locked around my jaw, forcing my face upward as he dipped down. "Make it good." He whispered, his breath fanning on my lips a hairline away from touching my mouth. His lips engulfed me and it wasn't the tender kiss that I had always received from Troy that had been coaxing, relaxing, and warm. Although the kiss wasn't brutaly bruising, it was wild and passionate, forcing my mouth open so he could suck on my tongue. I don't know how long it lasted but when he finally broke away, I noticed the sun had set and it was fairly dark now. I gasped, amazed at the sensation that coursed through my body. He opened his eyes and for the first time I noticed he had pale baby blue eyes. He stared at me intently for a moment, and then I realized that he was sporting a fairly large erection that was pressed into my stomach. I backed away hurriedly, a blush creeping up my cheeks against my wish. He chuckled softly, stepping behind me and holding me around the waist, his hips grinding into my ass. "Alright well a promise made is a promise kept but don't be expecting that to be the end of it." With that, he turned and walked away leaving me strangely cold and lonely. I sat there for a little bit longer trying to sort through my emotions before I made my way back just in time for the mandatory quiet time.