Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2004 06:19:37 -0800 (PST) From: Josh Paomer Subject: Song of Spirits Part 2 Special thanks to Sparhawk who has dedicated his time and attention to edit and help me through the development of this difficult chapter. And to Warren who has encouraged me every step of the way, his bravery truly has become a source of my inspirations. Disclaimer: This story contains extremely disturbing somewhat graphic violence. (Disturbing in the Crime and Punishment by Doestoevsky kind of way). Despite how the story is going so far, this will be a fiction account of love between two teenage boys. So if this subject offends you, or you are not 18 or older, or this type of stuff is illegal where you are residing, then don't read it. Any similarities between characters and events to other stories or real life situations are purely coincidental. And of course, I will say again; this story is not for the light of heart. Author's note: Provided below are several websites dedicated to helping victims of rape and survivors of attempted suicide: Hope for Healing.Org (mostly for rape victims) at www.helpforhealing.org For a list of available various Crisis Centers in all 50 states provided by Hope for Healing.Org go to http://www.hopeforhealing.org/crisiscenters.html A yahoo group devoted to helping male survivors of rape- http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/mensurvivors/ http://www.suicide-helplines.org/index.html For additional information and resources go to: If You Are Thinking About Suicide...Read This First at http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ ...Song of Spirits Part 2 I was running, running faster than I've ever run before in my life. The blue grass blurred under my feet, strange creatures dodged out of my way, creatures of the night, creatures of evil. Golden rays burst through my body, and somehow I knew that it was the power of the sun. The sun's very own rays coursing through my veins, its energy and life pulsing through me. I was invincible, this was the greatest moment of my life and I rode the waves of ecstasy in pure joy. Laughter poured out of me and a strange beautiful voice began to sing, and I recognized it as mine. It was beautiful; it was heavenly, and pure, each tone gliding over the land in soft caresses. And then...there was nothing. It was darkness, complete and total darkness. I started to call out in confusion, and then realized nothing was coming out of my mouth except for blood, the strong metallic taste that poured over my eyes, and my mouth as everything I touched became sticky and hot, clinging to my body. And still, there was nothing in this world except my existence; time was but a concept that did not apply here, life did not begin except for the purpose of death. I shuddered with the sudden cold that crept through my body, and realized with a sinking stomach that I was not alone. Goosebumps marched across my skin, my stomach twisted in pain with the fear that engulfed me. It was close, getting closer by the second and I couldn't escape, couldn't move. I suddenly realized there was a knife in my hand, the answer dawned on me, and I knew this was the way out. This will take me across the river into that forbidden land of paradise. Without hesitation, I plunged the knife into my stomach, tearing through flesh with a sickening sound as blood seeped through every pore in my skin. My eyes snapped open, I was desperately trying to breath, but something was suffocating me. I reached up and felt the tubes that were lodged in my mouth and down my throat. Where was I? I looked around the room, my eyes peering at the soft glow of the lamp beside my bed. A hospital. The surgery. Reality slammed back into me as I slowed my breathing and calmed down. I'd gotten the second surgery for the throat reconstruction. How long have I been here? I shook my head slightly, shoving the lingering traces of fear deep into the abyss of my mind. God, that dream was so vivid! Wait was it a dream? The door opened and a pretty nurse walked calmly in. "Hello Cerulean, I'm glad you're awake. The surgery went very well, you should be able to go home in about two days, but you're not going to be able to take down anything but liquid food for about a week and a half. Are you feeling okay?" I nodded and suddenly realized that I was completely drenched with sweat. I wiped at my forehead and tried to give her a reassuring smile. "Does your throat hurt?" She asked. I hesitated, and then spelled out with the sign language alphabet that I had learned in the past few weeks, . I hope that was right. The thing is though, I have been dragging my feet in learning sign language because I don't want to even allow the slight possibility that I may never be able to speak again to enter my mind. I'm afraid of what that knowledge will do to me. "Okay, well that's perfectly normal. The doctor will be in here in the morning to run some tests on you. Get a good night's sleep." She said as she checked the IV needle in my arm and various monitors that displayed my vitals. She wrote some stuff on the clipboard and left. I sighed silently; I really hope that the reconstructive surgery worked. It's been three whole weeks since I was first admitted into the ward and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up the charade. You know, the charade that I am perfectly happy and content with the people, the program I'm in, and thus ultimately, my life. I pulled the sheet up to my chin, looking up at the tiled ceiling, subconsciously starting to count the divided design. Right, on the outside, I was the perfect little boy. Life in the "The Dorm", (a name I gave to the semi psychiatric ward I am currently abiding in) is based on the fundamental concept of: order. I'd talk with a shrink in the morning, pretend to learn some sign language from a volunteer they set me up with, then eat, then play, then eat, play, and sleep. Days blurred, I was no longer even aware of the time and didn't even really care. Everything had become an absolutely flawless cycle that would continue to be perfect as long as I played my part of a "patient" that is slowly recovering from "The Incident." I know better than to believe my own bullshit though. I never live a moment without knowing that eventually all the pain and memories I had crammed into the back of my mind will consume me, in fact I think it's already started. At first it had been the occasional spacing out and coming back out with no knowledge of where I am or what I was doing. That was easily excused with a simple scribbled note of, "I'm just tired lately." Then the hallucinations started, except they were more like day mares. I would be walking and suddenly I'd be gone, completely in a dream and wake up minutes, sometimes even hours later confused and disoriented. These were slightly harder to explain, but I came up with an excuse every time that seemed to satisfy the people around me. I think they all know that something's wrong, but they don't want to believe it and so they ignore it. After all people only believe what they want to. So basically, my life had suddenly become a struggle to determine if everything is reality or dream. There was no longer a distinctive line. In addition to my disillusions, I have this mind wracking fear of going crazy. The fear that constantly threatens to turn into a full panic mode, which I'm also afraid, I won't ever get out of. The more I freak out about going crazy, I think the crazier I became. Like everything else in my life, this is becoming a cycle I can't break free of. A cycle of fear. One day, one day I will escape from all this. But at the moment? I don't know, I just don't really feel like it. And yeah, for some reason ever since I came here, I have had the most ridiculous mood swings. I mean these are power swings that dominated my life. If I didn't feel like doing something, there was no way in hell anyone could ever make me. How do I pull it off in a psychiatric ward? The nurses try, the doctors, the volunteers, and every other fucking person they throw at me tries to get me to do stuff, but eventually it all narrows down to the famous saying; "You can lead the horse to the river but you can't make it drink." But some day, I promise myself, some day I'll gather the courage to face my demons. He was chasing me, that unknown source of evil that has chased me for all eternity. Eternity, now that's one hell of a concept. It's like infinity; humans don't have the ability to actually grasp the concept, the implications that trail hundreds of miles with these two words. But I could swear, in that moment, I not only understood it, but I felt it. Felt the bone sapping fatigue that had become the mother of all tiredness my legs ached from running, my joints, threatened to just fall apart, every muscle in my body including my heart worked for one more second, one more moment of hopeless desperation. The sword appeared in my hand, glowing a deep blue that split apart the darkness. I know what to do now, I know the way out. My hand floated up and without even a conscious thought, brought the sword effortlessly to my neck and instantly felt the boiling liquid scald down my body. Hysterically I laughed, the sound echoing around me for miles, pushing the shadow back. Voices floated up in heavenly tones. The sound vibrating against my skin, picking apart every fiber of my being. How do you know you're alive? When you feel the sharp edges of pain. I gasped loudly. Another dream, another hallucination. Right? Where the hell am I? I looked around the room and recognized the interior of my room in The Dorm. The moon cast an eerie silver blue glow across the bed that sent a shiver down my back. I caught my reflection in the mirror and I almost jumped out of my skin. Half my face was cast in shadow, the lines were harsh in contrast to the usual softness of my features. My eyes were literally glowing deep blue, mirroring the intensity of moonlight. I wiped a hand across my face, feeling the cool breeze sweep across my skin. Geez, I wonder how long I had just stood there staring at my bed. Something warm crawled down my neck and my heart started to speed up. Slowly I looked down, my body tightening with fear. Blood. So much blood. I felt my consciousness silently fading with terror. "Hey C! Hurry up and sit down, man." Jason's voice called. I blinked. I was standing at the end of the lunch line, hundreds of people milling around me. I looked down and realized I'd already grabbed my customary sandwich and water. Holy crap was that a dream? It felt so real. I wracked my brains and thought hard but I couldn't remember anything that had happened from the time I had been in the hospital for my second surgery to how I got here. I touched my throat and realized that the stitches were still in. How long has it been since I left the hospital?! Okay, calm down. It was probably just another side effect of the medicine they're giving me. Yeah, that's got to be it. I took a deep breath and started making my way to the table. As I approached, I scanned the faces of the people who have become my friend in the last few weeks. They smiled and I returned it. I don't know how genuine it looked but at least I tried. My eyes caught Jake's and I felt my heart melt. I know something happened between us but I can't remember what it was. I just felt this warm closeness to him that made me want to trust him with my whole heart. Well, it was only an urge and most people don't act on all their urges. It's going to take a lot more than just a warm fuzzy feeling for me to throw myself at him. I calmed the slight jump of happiness and sat down next to him, taking a small sip of water. "So C, we've been making a bet." Zack said mischievously. I made a face, and sighed silently like I was dreading his next words. "You've kicked our ass effortlessly in track but how good are you in swimming?" I smiled. I remember a week after I got here they saw me jogging around on the track. Zack and Jake started to work out with me for a while before our competitive nature got the better of us and we set up a bunch of death matches. Zack had been very fast but he was a sprinter and after five or six sprints he started to get tired, and let's just say if that were a real death match, I'd still be alive. I shrugged and then smiled again, nodding to him to show I accepted the challenge. "Great! Well, since Jake is our fellow swimmer, how about a little one on one? Winner gets bragging rights." I smiled and mouthed: You're on! I looked over at Jake and found him drinking OJ with a half eaten drumstick in hand and a pile of bones in front of him. I took out my notepad and quickly scribbled: 'That's right Jake, try to eat as much as you can. Fat floats...it can save your life!' I put it down on the table and observed his reaction. They took one look at it and cracked up. Jake tried to look indignant, "Just you wait, shorty! I'm going to be so far ahead of you, all you're going to be able to do is eat my bubbles!" I wrote, throwing him a sarcastic look: 'um, nice comeback...' They cracked up again, and Jake got up, dumping my uneaten sandwich into the trash can. He dragged me up and started leading me out towards the pool followed by the rest of the guys. "Alright, we're going to settle this once and for all. And when I'm done kicking your ass, you're going to be groveling on your knees for a week." He dragged me all the way across the field, through the gym, and into the locker room. We didn't even get a chance to go grab some suits! As soon as he plopped me down on a bench, he stripped to his boxers and just stood there smirking at me, flaunting his body and waiting to see if I had the guts to do the same. Hmm, should I sit here and admire his perfect body a bit or strip myself? I think I'll just sit here... "Hey, if you get to sight see, I do too. Now bare your ass boy!" He laughed I hid my surprise and reluctance by quickly busying myself with the task at hand. When we were finally "decent" for our swim, it took Jake about 10 more minutes to convince me to actually go out into the pool area. I don't know why, I mean I've worn speedos before but somehow with the knowledge that these were boxers it suddenly made me feel, well naked. Beau saw us coming out and made a really really loud cat whistle that attracted the attention of everyone else at the pool which included about eight kids that were floating around. I instantly blushed, feeling ridiculously embarrassed. Jake just laughed and grabbed me from behind, his arms snaking around my waist and plunged us into the water with a loud splash. I fought a moment's panic at the restraint before I tore from his grasp and broke into the surface. My heart was pounding so hard I can here the rush of blood in my ears. Flashbacks of the day at school flooded my mind and swept away all the defenses I'd put up to deny The Incident. 'Get away! Get away! I can't breath!' A voice was screaming hysterically in my head. No! He's not going to do anything you, dork! Stop breathing so hard, you're acting so weird! Oh my God, did you feel that? Yeah! I can still feel his skin, the way he wrapped me in his arms... That was so awesome! No! No! He's trying to hurt me! He's probably just being nice to you so he can fuck me! He's just like Josh, just like Josh! I've got to go. I've got to get away! Wait. Go where? I blinked. The entire pool was blood; there was blood seeping through the walls. The boiling hot liquid was wrapped around me in a tight vise. My throat constricted, no sound coming out but I was screaming silently in terror. I blinked. Jake was in the water, a few feet away from me, looking at me with concern. I looked down; it was water, all water, the liquid cool and clear. I started slightly as the smell of chlorine assaulted my nose. "Hey dude, you okay?" Jason's voice. I looked behind me and found them all looking at me with a concerned _expression that bordered fear. I had trouble focusing on the question. Am I okay? Let me think...um, no. But let's see, if I tell you that, you will ask me why I'm not okay. Then I'd have to explain that there's this monster inside my head that's on the verge of driving me into insanity (if I'm not there already). You'll then proceed to ask me what the hell I'm talking about, and I'll have to tell you why I allowed The Incident to occur. You'll then call me a pansy and hate me forever. That's a lot of talking especially for someone who literally can't talk right now. I smiled and nodded. Sure I'm okay, why would you think anything different? They looked at me a moment longer but when I kept on smiling, they finally relaxed and Jake swam to the side of the pool, beckoning me to join him and get the race started. He was obviously still excited but I could tell his concern didn't go away as easily as the other guys. I glided through the water, shoving the last remnants of the forever screaming voice laced with fear deeper into my mind. I can almost feel the weakness of my defenses pulsing against that dark force in my mind. Well, one thing always gets me in a happy mood. Staring at Jake. Yeah, good times. I may never be able to be with him but I certainly can fuel the rare occasional hormone flare by getting an eyeful. We horsed around a bit until Zack sent us off for the race. We were flying through the water as fast as our body can move, every muscle straining to move faster and harder, propelling our bodies to the other side of the pool. Jake was fast, very fast. I was a hand's length behind him in the beginning, but just managed to tie with him in the last few strokes. Jake emerged breathing hard and laughing his head off. "For a little dude, you sure are fast!" I gave him an exasperated look and mouthed, 'I am not little!' He laughed as we caught our breath. In the end we'd raced a couple more times and came to the conclusion that he's faster in freestyle and backstroke, and I was slightly better at breaststroke and fly. The rest of the guys eventually got in the water too and we took turns dunking each other and going off the diving board for over an hour. We were going to hang out for half an hour longer when I got an eye full of chlorine. I rushed out into the locker room to rinse the stinging feeling away. Geez, I hate chlorine, I swear if people during the medieval times had this stuff in hand, this would be the greatest torture device in the world. A little drop down the nose and you'd feel like your whole brain was on fire. Anyway, I was bent over, trying to scrub my eyes out when I felt someone's hip press into my ass, their cock pressing against my body. Startled, I twisted around, water splashing every where. But before I could turn completely around and focus on the face above me, he'd dipped down and captured my lips in a kiss. My mouth dropped open in astonishment, and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue in. It was the guy that was at the creek from almost a month ago! I haven't seen a sign of him ever since that day and I'd convinced myself in the last few weeks that it had been nothing but one of my daydreams. But this was far from a dream! I felt him suck gently on my bottom lip teasing me with darts of his tongue. The feeling was so amazing, so real! I felt my eyes flutter close as I leaned into him, molding my body to his. What can I say? He's a very good kisser. He finally pulled away and I took a deep breath, opening my eyes. His eyes were sparkling brightly and he had a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "Hey cutie, ya missed me?" He asked, arrogant as ever. I gave him an annoyed look and broke free from his hold around my hips. I was feeling a little bit too much of how aroused he was through my drenched boxers for my taste at the moment. A little voice suddenly started screaming in the back of my head and I made the mistake of listening to it. 'You know why he's paying attention to you?? Do you, idiot?' 'Maybe he likes me. He's been very nice, I don't know...' 'He knows you let yourself get Raped! That's right, he knows! Everyone knows just by looking at you! You're a big pervert!' 'But the nurse...she said that my information was confidential, that nobody-' 'You're pathetic! You deserve everything that happened to you!' I felt tears threatening to fall from my eyes as I turned around hurriedly to splash the icy cool water over my face so he wouldn't notice. I felt him move around me again, his lips dipping down to nibble along my neck. His hands working its way under my boxers. 'Stop it! Break away you, idiot!' The voice was screaming at me. I wanted so much to feel like somebody loved me again, somebody that actually cared about who I am. I haven't heard from Troy since I got here and I wanted so much for him to just come here for even five minutes just to let me know he still wants me. The only thing I have gotten so far that indicated I had a life outside of this place was a letter from Brendan's father that explained the money he's spending here on me was to hopefully compensate for Brendan's absence in my life right now. My dad had gleefully signed me here once he found out someone else was to pay for it, excellent way to get rid of his source of annoyance. Though a small part of me still hoped that he had done so because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Who was I kidding? I can't do this. Tears started falling involuntarily down my face and my hands trembled with the emotional turmoil. I started to push away when I felt his hand wrapped around my cock, and I shuddered, feeling a chill go down my spine. I turned the water off hurriedly and pulled away. Jake, I have to talk to Jake. My head started spinning, Wait, where am I? What was I doing here? "Come on, you know you like it." He murmured, I almost whimpered in fear as he caught my arm, pulling me back to him. I didn't know what to do. His hands started to touch my chest and I panicked. Flashbacks of The Incident and of the days I spent in Troy's arms swirled in my head until I couldn't tell one from the other. "No!" I gasped. He froze. I was shocked! I talked! Oh my God, the surgeries had worked! I more or less croaked it actually, and it was horribly raspy, barely even audible but there was no doubt about it, I talked! I stood there, holding my breath, reveling in the slight tremor that had been in my throat just a moment ago indicating hopefully, the end of my period of silence. "I thought you were mute." He looked at me quizzically. I tried again, to say something, anything. But nothing came out except for a rasping sound. My throat hurt really badly but nonetheless, this has got to be one of the happiest days in my life. I smiled wide, the tears once again streaming down my face but it reflected the absolute joy that was flooding through me for the first time since The Incident. This sudden revelation gave me a burst of strength and elation; I tore from the guy's hold and ran hurriedly onto the deck. Jake was just getting out of the water after a stunt from the diving board. Without thinking I ran to him, nearly jumping into his arms as I held him in a close embrace. I don't know why but this has never felt so right before in my life. I guess the warm fuzzy feeling is enough for me to throw myself at him, after all. "Whoa C! What's going on with you? You okay?" He asked, clearly puzzled. But I giddily noticed that he'd hugged me back, his wet arm rubbing my back with a comforting motion. I pulled away enough so he could see my face. Hoarsely I whispered, "I talked, Jake. I'm getting my voice back!." The last part faded out again but he got the message. Letting out a huge cheer he gathered me into his arms again, squeezing hard enough to almost crack a few ribs but I hugged him back with just as much enthusiasm, his own happiness amplifying mine. We were jumping around with Jake laughing his head off in joy and me with tears streaming down my face; yeah, probably looked like a bunch of idiots but at that moment, I couldn't have cared less. Zack, Jason, and Beau eventually found out what happened from the delirious rambling that Jake was randomly screaming out and they were very happy for me. They patted me on the back and congratulated me, mussing my hair in a friendly gesture. They were so genuine in their feelings that for the first time I realized, these guys meant more to me and are worth more than my biological family. Especially Jake, I felt like I can trust that he would always be there for me. We eventually showered and got back into The Dorm in time for the mandatory quiet time. When I got into my room, I threw the pair of wet boxers onto the windowsill to dry and pulled out a new pair to change into. I was so excited I don't think I could have slept if my life depended on it. I turned the light on and instantly noticed a small package that was sitting on my desk. Curiously I took it into my hand and looked at the return address. It was from Kyle. Excitedly, I opened it and found a card inside. It read: "Hey Runt (A name they gave me because I was about six inches shorter than those 6'3" giants I call brothers), this is just something that we got from one of the agencies that was going to sign you on. I hope this will help give you the strength and hope to recover. Ian, Brent, and Julian are all overseas flying around the world on a modeling tour; they should be back in two months. I'll be back for Christmas around that time too, so we'll all come and visit you then. Hang in there bro, we all send our love. Kyle, Ian, Julian, and Brent." I read the little card two or three more times, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. Kyle and I have always been closer than I have been with the triplets but after The Incident, for the longest time I thought that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. It made me so happy that he took the time to contact me. I laid the card carefully down and eagerly rummaged through the filling in the box and pulled out a brand new portable cd player with speakers and headphones as well as 10 cd's from my favorite bands. On the very bottom, I found a very simple cd case that held an unlabeled cd. On the side of the case it simply read: Cerulean Taylor. I looked at it in puzzlement. I took the cd out and plopped it into the cd player. Putting the headphones on I waited in silence. Suddenly a clear, rich voice filled my head. The voice was deep and pure, each note so lovely it washed over my ears, assailing my senses. I gasped for breath. The voice was so strong, so confident and yet it held a tenor of sorrow that mirrored my own emotions that threatened to overwhelm my sanity. Something wet hit my hand and I realized tears were falling down my face. I closed my eyes but the tears still did not relent. That voice...my voice. I'd recorded this as part of the "sample" but I didn't think anyone actually kept it. I remember that was actually the day Tristan had found out about Troy and I. We were celebrating my new success in the music business. He had been so romantic, planning a horseback-riding trip into the valleys where'd he set up a picnic already. I've heard so many stories of how lovers have picnic trips and it had always sounded really corny. That is, until Troy had set one up for me, it had been the best day of my life up until that point. That was the first time he said that he loved me. I couldn't believe how much those words meant to me, I had been saying it to him for over a year, almost ever since I met him because that's how I've always felt about him. He never said it back, and I never expected him to. But that day, he had changed my life; he loved me back and that was all that mattered from then on. I would give him my heart, my body, but also my life. Yet even then I had a small doubt. A doubt that I had thrust into the back of my mind because if it were true, I didn't want to know, I didn't even want to recognize it. But the doubt had grown into a hideous monster since I'd gotten here. He hadn't even contacted me once. Troy didn't want me, he wanted a part in the success, the fame that I would have had if not for the Incident. I grasped the thought now, fully feeling the pain as I grabbed the sharp sword, feeling a part of me bleed in sorrow. I'm so worthless, how could I ever have thought someone as wonderful as Troy could have loved me. I deserve what had happened to me... The despair suddenly became overwhelming; I could stand the fear that plagued me every night but not this anguish, this hopelessness, and this self-loathing. Something snapped in my hand and I looked down to find the broken pieces of the cd case. I blinked. Sweet brilliant voices sounded from the heavens, I looked up into the stormy clouds feeling my insides turn to mush. There was a weight on my heart; it was heavy, so heavy. The feeling of desperation overwhelmed me and almost instinctively I looked down. There was a broken piece of the cd case in my hand, its edges sharp and deadly. The pain in my body was overwhelming, I couldn't stand it anymore, couldn't live another moment with it. I knew what to do. This has happened hundreds of times already. A sharp pain along my wrist. That felt good, it took some of the weight off my heart. I stared as the searing hot blood danced down my skin. I blinked. The plastic cd case was stained with blood. I turned my head and found the setting sun glowing golden and slowly pulsing into a deep red, so brilliant against the contrast of the infinitively deep blue of the sky. Wait, the sun had set already hadn't it? I remember walking back in the dark... No, it wasn't setting. The sun was dying. I don't know how I knew but I knew that this was the last time it would sink into the horizon. Last time to peek atop the mountains and caress the golden valleys of Earth. My eyes snapped open. I didn't remember closing them. There was blood everywhere; it had almost completely covered my legs on its journey to the puddle on the floor. The bleeding had slowed to a trickle. Sweet voices sounded in my head, it was such a lovely song. Truly a song of all the spirits of heavens. I smiled, letting the notes float over my skin one last time. I brought the piece of crystal to my forearm and watched with a content feeling as it glided over a blood vessel on my inside of my elbow. More blood. The despair on my heart was flowing out with the scalding liquid. I blinked. A teasing laughter was dancing across my skin. I sunk back into the comfort that surrounded me, suddenly feeling weak but peaceful. All the pain was gone, my body, my mind was relaxed, calmly waiting for the wonderful numbness that wove its way into every fiber of my being. My eyes closed. A small disturbing voice in my head was screaming in panic, "Why are you not waking up? This is only a dream...right?" A crash sounded somewhere far away and I wanted nothing but to lay contently, but something in me made me lazily open my eyes for one last look. Jake. Part of me was glad that he was here to rescue me from my nightmare. Yet it was the other part that finally pulled me completely into the darkness. Into the land of the sweet singing voices. To be continued... Emails of encouragement, thoughts, and critique are always welcome. You can also contact me using AIM with liajfsp1212