Loud music, voices muffled, some
loud, and others laughing. Drugs, alcohol and enjoyment. This is why
people party so hard. They love feeling like this. Immensely ecstatic
but kind of foreign at the same time. I sat there on the deck
outside, leaning against the rail, my butt on the ground and head
thrown back. Opening my eyes, I encountered the numerous stars in the
sky. I felt like catching one and just looking at it.
They say that some stars are so
far away, it takes years for the light to reach us.
Bang. The sun just blew up. We
are all dead but we don't know it yet.
It takes approximately eight
minutes for the sun's light to reach earth. So if the sun decided to
just blow up one day, we wouldn't know right away. Hmm...or maybe we
would, maybe the explosion would be so catastrophic that someone
could detect the signs before it happened. How would we stop it?
That's right, we wouldn't be able to. No one can stop death; it's
everyone's fate anyway. I, according to religion, am going straight
to hell. Fuck it.
I stood up and walked to the
edge of the deck with my hands over the railing. For a few moments I
just stood there not thinking, not doing anything but just being.
Then the moment was gone and I turned around . In the darkness I
groped for the door handle and let myself in. Immediately as I
stepped in the humid room from being outside in the wintery chill and
snow, I felt a sense of nostalgia that I wanted to ignore.
I heard Laura calling my name,
“Kyle! Stupid I've been looking everywhere for you! Where have
“Uh-I was outside,”
I replied and gestured to the open door, through which a cool breeze
was wafting in. She rolled her eyes, “you're supposed to be my
fake boyfriend, so dance with me. I don't want Marissa to think I'm
here alone and not with a date.”
“You don't have a date
“Exactly. I don't want her
to know that I don't have one.”
“Alright.” I let her
lead me by the hand to the dance floor which was pretty much just a
blob of people. For a while we danced together and I was very bored
and inanimate despite my movements. In spirit I felt like I was
standing still. I kept telling her this bit of information but she
just kept saying shut-up. Eventually I stopped and just began looking
around. Why I even bothered to question Laura, I don't know.
I saw Nathan talking with some
blond buff guy. They looked like they were really into each other. I
felt a flicker of something before I washed it down. Then I spotted
Josh dancing with this girl he'd been trying to 'seduce' for the last
week or two. It looked like she'd been thoroughly courted. When he
caught my eye, he winked. I smiled at him and began looking around
again. I felt like I could see people's emotions and true uninhibited
selves without any masks since they had no idea my eye was trained on
them. As I peered this time, I saw Ryan leaning against the wall of
the opposite side of the room, he had a cup in hand and his eyes were
trained on Laura and I. I gave him a weak smile and he realized I'd
caught him staring. Ryan just smiled and mouthed the words, “come
here.” Along with gesturing with his hand.
I just shrugged and mouthed, “I
can't,” with a curt nod of my head. Ryan frowned and keeping
his eyes on mine, he walked to the staircase and made his way
upstairs. At the top, he looked at me and nodded for me to follow
him. I shrugged myself away from Laura a few moments after he
disappeared and said, “listen, I have to go use the bathroom,
okay? I'll be a while so don't wait for me.”
“Whatever, I'm done with
Marissa. I've decided that I'm not going to worry about her anymore.
I will focus on my studies.” She declared. I rolled my eyes at
this declaration, as there was no jeopardy to her grades anyway.
When I reached the top of the
staircase, I looked down the long narrow hall, lit strangely by
several medieval style candles. There were so many doors and I didn't
know what was behind any of those doors. Taking a deep breath, I
sauntered down the hall and called out, “Ryan?” After
which I ceased any movement and stopped. A door to my far left opened
and Ryan's head poked out. His face looked grave. “Come in.”
I looked behind me once more and followed him into the room. Putting
my hands in my pockets, I surveyed my surroundings. There was a big
canopy bed in the room, decorated with svelte red and gold bed
furnishings and a huge window draped with a sheer gossamer cloth.
Several plush chairs were placed around the room, behind which stood
rich cherry wood bookshelves. I released the breath I'd been holding
and glanced at Ryan, who'd been watching me carefully. I gulped and
looked away and back again.
Ryan sat down in one of the
chairs, sprawled out and comfortable, his blond hair was mussed and
the corner of his delectable mouth turned up, “have a seat and
relax, Kyle.” He ordered.
I nodded and sat down. I wiped
my palms on the knees of my jeans and looked around uncomfortably.
“So what's up?” The mood in the room was different.
Something had changed, and I knew it right away. The atmosphere did
not settle well with me.
Ryan replied, his eyes were sleepy and half lidded. He looked so
“Uh-okay.” I didn't
know why he'd called me up here, but I wasn't feeling so hot about it
“I know about you, Kyle.”
Ryan said after a silence of a few moments. I looked up into his face
with surprise. Surely, he didn't mean...
My shock must have shown on my
features because he looked at me. “Yeah, I know what you and
Little Nathan down there have been up to.” I didn't know what
to say...Nathan and I? We weren't together or anything, we'd never
been. So what was he talking about?
“I saw you two making out
at Krista's party way back when he first came here.” I guess he
wasn't homophobic or anything since he hadn't beat me up or said
anything so terrible about it up until this day. Or maybe... “I
saw you and I even have a picture of you two on my phone. Wanna see
I shook my head, and my
confidence returned, “what the fuck are you talking about?”
I stood up. Ryan followed and copied my stance, “are you trying
to deny anything happened. Are you trying to deny being gay,
homosexual?” His eyes flashed as he demanded an answer. My eyes
too were filled with unbidden fury, a storm of emotions that
threatened to burst out at any given moment if stimulated.
“No, I'm not denying or
hiding anything. I'm not ashamed of being gay.” I held my head
high. God, I'd just outed myself to Ryan, and judging by the looks of
things, to the entire school as well.
“If you aren't ashamed of
it, then why doesn't anyone know? Why are you pretending to date poor
I smiled, “hey shit-head,
I'm not such a creep that I would abuse my friendship with Laura like
that. We aren't dating. In fact, both her and Josh know about me. The
reason I don't walk around wearing a sign that says I'm gay is
because I don't believe that being gay is all I am. Just like you
liking girls or whatever doesn't make you who you are, being gay
doesn't make me who I am. Being gay is just a part of who I am, not
me. I don't feel the need to start a conversation with, 'hi I'm kyle
and I'm gay.' Just like you don't feel the need to say, 'hi, I'm Ryan
and I'm straight.' Make sense to you buddy?”
He looked at me, “relax,
okay? That had nothing to do with why I called you here,” he
searched my eyes to see if I got the message and then continued. “All
I want to tell you is that I have these pictures and I will out you
to the entire school.”
I felt anger boil up inside me.
What the hell was wrong with this guy? Why was he doing this after
all this time? Fuck the stupid loser. I didn't want to be outed like
this. If the entire public was going to find out I was gay, I wanted
the news to be given out from me, not some dumb idiot who wanted to
“Why do I sense an unless
in that sentence?” I asked him, my voice forced and calm.
“I will out you unless you
do as I say.”
“I don't have a problem
with having the entire school knowing I'm gay...on my terms that is.
I'm not going to do as you say. In fact, I'm going announce myself
that I'm gay downstairs at this party. Then I'll be happy.”
Ryan held his cell phone in his
hand and grinned, “All it takes is just one button and everyone
down there at the party will see this picture and you'll be outed by
me.” I think it was at about his point in the evening that I
realized just how fucking drunk Ryan was. More then I was! He'd
probably regret doing this in the morning. It sort of made me hate
him less. Sort of. The thing is, I was so drunk that I didn't even
realize he probably couldn't out me to everyone with just the touch
of the button on his phone.
“I'm ready to accept that.
We don't exactly live in rural texas, Ryan. Most people in this area
are accepting of gay guys. I'll straighten it out.”
“Whatever. No matter how
accepting they are, I know some jocks that despise gay people. This
isn't rural texas but there are people, and I know two or three who
would, if stimulated, have no problem with beating a gay guy to pulp
for just being gay. You know what sort of power I have over our
school, all it takes is one word, one press of this button and you
will live a life of hell.”
I was silent.
Inside my head, I screamed. Out
loud I asked in a low whisper, “why are you doing this, Ryan?”
A bit louder this time and with more force, “why the fuck are
you doing this? I thought we were finally getting along. We were
doing okay—don't do this, man. Not now.”
“Sorry, I truly am. It's
just that I can't be a nice guy for long. At least to you anyway.”
He stated simply
“What the fuck have I done
to you, huh. Give me one good reason why you hate me.” I
demanded of him.
“Honestly, I don't hate
you anymore. But that just makes it worse: I want to hate you.”
He seemed determined, his features were set.
I looked out the window, at the
moon shining bright and high in the sky. A full moon. Full moons
always represented bad omens, always have since the beginning of
time. Werewolves are born from the light of the moon, vampires travel
by its light, owls hunt, creatures and spirits awaken. The full moon.
I wanted to spit. I wanted to
hit something, anything, smash the window.
I said in a low voice, my voice
seeming far away, “I relent. What do you want?”
“Anything?” His eyes
gleamed. He didn't look evil or vehement, he looked satisfied. His
smile was that of ease and delight...Goodness he was really smashed!
“Do I have a choice?”
“Not anymore you don't.”
“This is why you started
noticing I existed all of a sudden.” I thought aloud, a puzzle
piece falling in place.
“Oh, I knew you existed, I
just didn't bother acknowledging your existence. Till now that is.”
Ryan replied to my elusive statement.
We didn't speak. I stared at the
ground, unwilling to look in his eyes. I hated him—I despised
him for what he was doing to me, for how low he was bringing me.
“Can I go now?” I
still didn't look at him. I couldn't believe he'd stooped so low as
to do this.
“No. I'm going to give you
some rules to follow. You will not talk to me at school. I don't want
anyone to know that we speak with each other. After school, you will
go to the parking lot and wait quietly for me. After which you will
come home with me for two hours. You will tell your parents you're
“Tutoring you?” I
“Yes, no more questions.”
He reached out a hand and tweaked my nipple through my shirt, pulling
on it and twisting. I had no idea how sensitive my nipples were and I
gasped, recoiling slightly. I felt ashamed when he took his hand
back, guilty for the pleasure I'd received from his touch.
He gave me a look, “ You
I told you, that was a night I
would never forget for the rest of my life.
Not even if I tried.
What happened next was even more
Sorry about the long wait guys.
Wasn't too sure about this one.
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