Starting Over

by tim

This story is © 2004 by tim and is protected by copyright law. Please do not copy or post this story to other sites without the author's permission. This is a fictional story. Any similarities to actual people or events are purely coincidental. Even though it is currently located in the no-sex section of the archive, at some point this story will contain sexual situations between teen males. If this subject offends you or you should not be reading this type of story, you assume all responsibility for continuing. This story also deals with the subject of teen suicide. The author hopes to show that this is not an acceptable option.

Other stories by tim the story guy on Nifty:

Starting Over - in the no sex section (first post 9/28/04)

Training Day - in the adult/youth section (completed 9/17/04)

What A Gas! - in the adult/youth section (last update 9/28/04)

Allen & Allen 2 - in the high school section (last update 9/23/04)

No One Else - in the high school section (last update 9/29/04)

Fate - in the high school section (completed 5/21/04)

Starting Over - by tim

Chapter 2

The trip to Florida was uneventful. Carter mostly looked out the window, and did not speak much unless prompted. Wayne decided to let the troubled boy have some space for now, because he knew the real work would begin in Florida. After a day and a half on the road, Wayne pulled up in front of his vacation house. The house was right on A1A, and built out over the beach.

"Wow!" exclaimed Carter. "You own a place like this and you don't live here all the time? And you think I need help!" Carter almost laughed at his own remark.

"That's a good one Carter." said Wayne. "Actually the house has been in the family for years, and I don't want to get rid of it."

"Hey doc, I was just kidding." said Carter. "It does look like a nice house though."

"Thanks Carter." replied Wayne. "Now let's get in there and air the place out. I haven't been down here in a year and a half."

Wayne and Carter worked for a couple of hours dusting the house, and airing it out. Then Wayne made up the beds in both bedrooms. It was decided that they would eat out that evening.

Before going out to eat, Wayne said, "The smaller bedroom overlooking the beach will be yours Carter. I will take the larger one facing the front of the house."

"That sounds cool." replied Carter.

The guys enjoyed a nice dinner in town, then went back to Wayne's house. When Carter mentioned that this was the first time he had ever seen the ocean, Wayne suggested that they grab a couple of blankets and sit out on the beach.

As Carter was looking out at the moon reflecting off the waves he asked, "Do you think that it hurts more if you kill yourself Wayne?"

"What!" exclaimed Wayne. "What do you mean by that Carter?"

"I mean that if you are accidentally killed, you don't really see it coming." replied Carter. "If you kill yourself though, you know that it's going to happen. It just seems like that might make it hurt more."

"Please be honest with me about something Carter." said Wayne. "Are you still thinking about killing yourself?"

"I don't know." replied Carter. "I was actually thinking about Travis though. Everyone keeps saying that I didn't kill him, so that means that he must have killed himself."

"I guess that sounds like a pretty reasonable observation." said Wayne. "I don't know if it hurts more or not, but I do know one thing. It doesn't solve any problems."

"How do you know that?" asked Carter.

"It's simple logic." replied Wayne. "Is Travis's life any better now? What about those he left behind that loved him? Are their lives better? Travis's death was a no win situation for everyone."

Carter was now on the verge of tears as he asked, "Am I so horrible that my best friend would rather kill himself than make love to me?"

At that point Carter broke down completely. Wayne held Carter closely as he let the boy cry. Wayne was now becoming use to this, as he figured that this would happen many more times before Carter made it through this time in his life. Carter cried for about thirty minutes before he cried himself to sleep in Wayne's arms. Wayne took the boy inside, and tucked him into bed. Then Wayne went to his bedroom and asked God for his help with this boy, before going to sleep himself.

Wayne was already up the next morning having his morning coffee, when Carter came staggering into the kitchen.

"I hate how I feel in the morning when I fall asleep crying." said Carter groggily. "Can you help me with that Wayne?"

"I'll do everything I can to help with that." replied Wayne. "It may help you feel better this morning to take a nice cool shower. There are towels in the hallway closet."

Carter came back about thirty minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist and said, "Your right doc, I feel a little better now. I was actually talking about helping me not to fall asleep crying in the future though."

"I know," chuckled Wayne, "I meant I would help you with that too."

"About the last thing that I asked last night," said Carter, "am I so bad that people just don't want me?" Carter then dropped his towel and exposed himself to Wayne.

Wayne's first thought was to tell the boy to cover himself up, but with recent events he decided that might deepen Carter's feelings of rejection. "Sit down for a moment Carter." said Wayne. Then Wayne casually handed Carter his towel before continuing, :I just want you to know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you look. You are a very good looking young man. And who knows, if I were gay I may be taking you to bed right now after that."

"I know," said Carter shamefully, "You're not gay though."

"You're right Carter," replied Wayne, "I'm not gay. I'm also not about to take what you did the wrong way though, so don't be ashamed of what just happened. I'm flattered that you feel so comfortable to do that in front of me. And I am serious. You are a very good looking young man, including without clothes. You are going to make a fine boyfriend to some nice young gay person someday."

"Thanks Wayne." said Carter. The boy then got up while still holding the towel in his hand. "I guess I should go get some clothes on now, huh?"

"You do whatever makes you happy Carter." said Wayne. "I would like to begin talking to you this morning though about your being gay. We have a lot of work to do here."

"Oh yeah," said Carter, "I forgot. I'm your job now. Am I the toughest job you've ever had Wayne?"

"I certainly hope that doesn't turn out to be the case." replied Wayne.

"I'll make you a deal then doc." said Carter. "We can talk about me being gay if you'll tell me about your toughest job afterward."

"Ah," said Wayne, "you like to play Let's Make A Deal. Okay Carter, that sounds fair enough."

Carter got himself dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, then came back out to join Wayne. "Where do you want to talk?" asked Carter.

"I thought we would take a walk down the beach while we talk." replied Wayne. "It's so easy to talk while walking on the beach."

"Cool!" said Carter. "I don't need these shoes then."

Carter kicked off his shoes and the pair headed out to the beach. Carter was a little nervous because he didn't know where this morning's talk was going to go, but he trusted Wayne now. After all, after what he did this morning, Wayne could have had his way with him this morning if he weren't so trustworthy.

As they walked down the beach Wayne said, "Well, I guess we might as well get started."

"You want to talk to me about being gay, huh?" asked Carter.

"That's right." replied Wayne. "I don't think that you've fully accepted your sexual orientation yet, and you may not fully understand what is happening to you because of it."

"Just tell me something first Wayne." said Carter. "How are you suppose to know about being gay?"

"That's a pretty fair question." said Wayne. "I've worked with a number of gay people before, and pretty successfully too. I have read most of the major reports that are unbiased and subjective on the subject of homosexuality. There is a lot of good information out there, but society doesn't always let that information get out to those who really need it. That's where I hope I can help. Now, first I want you to tell me the things you like about other guys as compared to girls."

"Wow!" exclaimed Carter. "You're not going to make this easy, are you?"

"Well," replied Wayne, "as you are starting to find out now being gay isn't easy, but that's the hand you've been dealt in life. I'm going to do what I can to help you deal with that."

"Okay." said Carter. "I guess I might as well start at the head and work my way down then. Girls facial features seem to be a lot softer than guys. I like how a guy's face seems to be much fuller. That's much more attractive to me I guess. Then we get to the upper body. I know that there's a good reason for them, but girls boobs look kinda weird. I like a guy's chest much better. You can run your hand over it without getting dizzy from your hand going all over the place. Plus, guys chests feel really nice to me. I guess the only difference between tummies is that there are more muscles in a guy's stomach, which kinda turns me on. Then we get to the best part. Girls have absolutely nothing to look at down there, but a guy's cock is about the most exciting body part that there is. I could feel and look at guys cocks all day long. I guess that turns me on most of all."

"What about butts?" asked Wayne.

"Girls butts are smoother than guys butts," replied Carter, "but most of them seem to be too wide for the body that they're on. I like how a guy's butt is narrower, it just seems sexier to me I guess. Finally there's the legs. For the most part, guys legs seem to be more muscular. I really like that."

"So guys bodies are a lot more pleasing to the eye as far as you're concerned?" asked Wayne.

"Oh hell yeah!" exclaimed Carter.

"How do you feel about that Carter?" asked Wayne.

"It makes me feel different, I guess." replied Carter. "I know most guys feel the opposite from how I feel. I wish I could understand how they feel, but I just can't."

"Kind of like how most straight guys can't understand how you feel, huh?" asked Wayne.

"Yeah, I guess so." said Carter. "Why can't people just not worry about things like that so much?"

"Because being gay is different to the way most people are, and they don't understand it." replied Wayne. "Usually when people don't understand something, they tend to be afraid of it, and that usually leads to intolerance then hatred. That's why it's so important for you to understand what is going on inside of you Carter. If you don't, you are going to end up hating yourself, and I think that is the point that you have been approaching."

The pair walked along the beach for a few moments without saying anything, as Carter thought about what Wayne had told him. It did seem to make a little sense to Carter. Then Carter spotted a mound in the sand.

"What's that mound over there doc?" asked Carter.

"Oh cool!" said Wayne. "That's a sea turtle nest! The mother turtle crawls up onto the beach and digs out a nest, then she lays her eggs and covers them over. After that, the mother turtle goes back to the ocean and never returns to the nest."

"What happens to the baby turtles?" asked Carter.

"When the baby turtles hatch, they dig themselves out of the nest." replied Wayne. "Then they only have so long to make it to the ocean in order to survive."

"That's kinda harsh, isn't it?" asked Carter.

"It may be," replied Wayne, "but the turtles are forced to deal with their environment if they hope to survive."

"But what if they can't do it alone?" asked Carter. "What if they need a little help along the way, so they don't get lost?"

"That would be nice, but they don't get that kind of help very often." said Wayne. "That's one of the human race's biggest advantages, if they will just learn to use it, our ability to help our fellow humans to keep from getting lost as they go through life."

After a few moments of silence, Carter asked, "Why am I gay Wayne? Everyone seems to say something different. Some people say I chose to be that way, although I don't remember ever making that choice. Some people say that I'm gay because I'm an evil person, but I don't feel evil. Then some people say that there's no reason for it, which really confuses the hell out of me. If you could answer that question without leaving more questions in my head, I would believe you Wayne. I trust you more than I've trusted anyone in quite a while."

"Well then," said Wayne, "let's see if I really can help you Carter. There is one reason for being gay that is totally supported by scientific evidence, but those who are filled with ignorance and intolerance do not seem willing to accept it. They're the ones who try to make your life hell, and there's really no good reason for that. There is an area in the brain called the hypothalamus. This part of the brain only develops while the baby is still inside it's mother, and it controls the human sex drive among other things. This part of the brain is usually larger in males than it is in females, with one exception that has been discovered so far. Back when the AIDS epidemic was at it's worst, biologists did forensic research on the bodies of gay males that had died from AIDS. They discovered that the hypothalamus of gay males was much closer to the size of the female hypothalamus than the male hypothalamus. All scientific evidence points to homosexuality being a biological condition that is set at birth."

"So there's nothing that me, or anyone else can do about it?" asked Carter.

"If you believe scientific research, which I personally do, then there is nothing that can be done to change a person's sexual orientation." replied Wayne. "That is why it is so important for you to understand being gay Carter."

"What about other people though?" asked Carter. "If they don't understand why I'm gay, they'll continue to make my life hell."

"There's not a lot you can do about that though, it's been tried over and over." said Wayne. "If someone is too afraid of something because they don't understand it, it's sometimes impossible to get through to them. But if you understand and accept yourself, then those people won't be able to hurt you as much because you know the truth."

As the pair walked on down the beach, Carter thought about what Wayne had told him. It made more sense to Carter than anything anyone had ever told him before, but now Carter had to accept the fact that there were things that he would never be able to change. Suddenly they came to a sign that marked the end of the public beach.

"What's up ahead Wayne?" asked Carter.

"Well," replied Wayne, "if you continue on there will be another sign that tells you that you are about to enter a clothing optional section of the beach. Then finally there is another sign that says that you are now entering a clothing optional section of the beach that is reserved for persons of alternate lifestyles."

"Huh?" asked Carter.

"It's a nude gay beach." chuckled Wayne.

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Carter. "No way! You're kidding me aren't you doc?"

Wayne laughed as he replied, "Would I kid you about something like that Carter?"

"Well," said Carter, "you haven't bullshitted me about anything yet. Can we go on in and see?"

"Maybe sometime before we leave," said Wayne,who was still chuckling, "but if anyone asks, you better claim to be eighteen."

"No problem dude!" exclaimed Carter. "I thought you were all about being honest though Wayne."

"I don't see any problem with bending the truth just a little bit for something like this." said Wayne. "You should have seen how many bars I snuck into before I became legal."

For the first time since Travis's death, Carter began to laugh. It had been so long since Carter laughed that he began laughing so hard that he could no longer stand up. Wayne was so glad to hear Carter laugh that he began laughing with the boy. Once the laughter began to die down, Wayne helped the boy get up from the sand.

"That was so nice, hearing you laugh Carter." said Wayne. "You have a very nice laugh."

"I don't know what came over me." said Carter, as he tried to catch his breath. "It's been so long since I've had something to laugh about, that I couldn't control myself."

"Well," said Wayne, "I hope that begins to happen more and more often for you Carter, you deserve to be happy again someday."

"Thanks Wayne." said Carter. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but what's past the nude gay beach?"

"Nothing like that, you dirty minded boy." chuckled Wayne. "After the nude beach is a nature preserve, then after that is NASA property. Whenever they have a launch you can actually see it pretty good from here. The pads are just past that point out there." Wayne pointed to a point of land that stuck out into the ocean. Now, let's head on back Carter."

"Okay," said Carter, "but don't forget, you have to tell me about your toughest job on the way back."

"Right." said Wayne. "A deal is a deal."

The pair turned around to head back toward Wayne's house. Wayne took several minutes as they walked, to prepare himself to talk about the toughest case he'd ever had. It wouldn't be easy for Wayne to do.

Finally Wayne began, "He was a boy about your age. He'd lost most of his family in a tragic accident, and wasn't handling it well at all. I can't really say that I blame him though. Like you, he blamed himself for what happened but no one could even begin to get through to him. I tried everything I knew for over a year to get to him, but nothing worked. I consulted with so many other psychiatric professionals that I lost count, but none of it helped. It had been a year though, so I thought that maybe I had gotten him through the worst of it, and maybe things would change soon. Unfortunately things did change. He had been being picked on for most of that year by other kids, and had never mentioned it to anyone. They would call him psycho, weirdo, and everything else they could think of."

Wayne stopped for a few minutes to compose himself, then continued. "One day I guess he'd had about all that anyone could be expected to take, so he took a nine millimeter gun to school with him along with a few extra clips. I was called to the scene after he had already killed several of his classmates and teachers. When I got there he was holding the gun to the head of another boy, and threatening to kill him too. The police had him surrounded at this point, with their rifles aimed at him. I prayed for God to give me the wisdom to talk this boy out of the situation he was in, because it didn't look very good at all. I tried everything that I knew to talk the boy into giving himself up before anything else happened. But when the news cameras arrived, and everyone's attention was focused directly at him, the boy made one last move. He put the gun against the side of his head, and pulled the trigger. I had a very hard time even sleeping for months after that."

After Wayne stopped talking he looked out at the ocean and began crying quietly, but not so quietly that Carter couldn't hear him. Carter stepped up to the man and put his head against Wayne's side, then Wayne's arm automatically reached around the boy's shoulder. Wayne and Carter stood like that for several minutes, with only the sound of the waves and Wayne's gentle crying for a lost child.

Finally Carter said, "Shit dude, I'm sorry. I guess sometimes us kids just don't know how we affect other people, do we?"

Wayne cleared his eyes and his throat before replying, "It wasn't his fault, and it's not your fault either Carter. I never gave up on that boy, and I never blamed him for what happened. It's us adults that are to blame. Some adults just don't realize that children learn everything they know from the adults in their lives. It's our responsibility to teach children what they know, and some adults do a terrible job of it. What I didn't realize with that boy was that he had already been taught all the wrong things in life, so a few minutes at a time with me wasn't going to matter. He should have either been put in a hospital or taken away from the life he knew, until he had been retaught how to deal with life."

"You're not going to take that chance with me, are you Wayne?" asked Carter.

Wayne hugged Carter hard and said, "No way son. You are too important to other people. I'm going to do everything I can to help you, like I should have with the other boy."

Carter looked up at Wayne with a tear in his eye and said, "It wasn't your fault Wayne."

Time for a little break. Please send all comments to: . See you again in Chapter 3.