This story is © 2004 by tim and is protected by copyright law. Please do not copy or post this story to other sites without the author's permission. This is a fictional story. Any similarities to actual people or events are purely coincidental. Even though this story is currently listed in the no-sex section of the archive, it will eventually contain sexual situations between teen males. If this subject offends you or you should not be reading this type of story, you assume all responsibility for continuing. This story deals with the subject of teen suicide. The author hopes to show that this is not an acceptable option. Please send all comments to: email@example.com . Due to network problems at hotmail I am adding an alternate e-mail address. firstname.lastname@example.org . If you send mail to the cs address, I will receive it. If you send mail to the hotmail address, I may or may not receive it. Thanks to all those who are reading this story.
Other stories by tim the story guy on Nifty:
Starting Over - in the no-sex section (last update 10/01/04)
Training Day - in the adult/youth section (completed 9/17/04)
What A Gas! - in the adult/youth section (last update 10/00/04)
Allen & Allen 2 - in the high school section (last update 9/30/04)
No One Else - in the high school section (last update 10/00/04)
Fate - in the high school section (completed 5/21/04)
Starting Over - by tim
Wayne and Carter finally finished their walk, which turned out to be interesting for both of them. At least Carter now knew that there were some things that have happened to him that he had no control over, but yet he felt that there were others that he did. Was it biology that made him come on to Travis the way he did, or was he just not considering the consequences of his actions. After all, Wayne was unable to save the life of the other boy, much the same as Travis had slipped through his fingers. But Wayne's case was different as far as Carter was concerned. Wayne had been expected to fix every messed up thing that had ever happened to that boy, and that was a bit too much to expect. However, Carter felt that he was the direct cause of messing up Travis's head. Wayne had answered some of Carter's questions today, but left him with a lot of unanswered questions. Carter decided to spend the afternoon sitting on the beach behind Wayne's house, thinking about all of the unanswered questions in his head.
Wayne stared out the patio door at the lonely boy sitting alone on the beach. Wayne had not wanted to lose his composure in front of Carter today, but the boy who blew his own brains out was still as fresh in Wayne's mind as it had ever been. Even though Wayne had taken a six month leave and retreated to his beach house, the pictures were still vivid in his head at times. Then Wayne told himself, "The last time I was here it was to mourn for a boy that I failed. I have to make up for that this time because I can't lose this boy too. Please God, give me the strength to finish mourning the past, and to help this child."
Wayne watched Carter as he realized he was making some progress though. Carter had been consoling him earlier, so that meant that the boy now realized that there are some things that are out of our control. Now he had to convince Carter that Travis's reaction was one of those things.
As afternoon began to turn into evening Wayne realized that neither of them had eaten all day. Wayne could probably stand to drop about ten pounds or so, but Carter looked like he hadn't been eating as well as he should have. Wayne called a small seafood market about five miles down the road, and asked if they had any live lobster on hand. The market did have the lobster, and also had a delivery service, so Wayne ordered two lobsters. When they arrived Wayne began preparing a meal for Carter and himself that the boy was sure to remember for a while. Wayne also loved to cook, more so than his last wife, and soon had a wonderful aroma drifting from the kitchen out over the beach. As Wayne was finishing with supper, the aroma finally broke Carter out of his thoughts. The boy started up to the house, to find out what smelled so fantastic.
"Damn, something smells great in here!" exclaimed Carter, as he stepped through the patio door.
By this time Wayne had already set the table so he replied, "Go wash your hands, then have a seat at the dining room table Carter. I'll be finished here in just a minute."
As soon as Carter had washed his hands and was seated at the table, Wayne began carrying supper in. The lobster had been prepared to perfection, and was hidden underneath a covered serving tray.
"Everything looks great dude!" exclaimed Carter. "What's on the tray?"
"That's our main course." replied Wayne, who then removed the cover.
"Wow dude! I've never had lobster before." said Carter.
"Well then son," replied Wayne, "you are in for a real treat."
Normally Wayne would serve lobster with a good wine, but Carter was still a little young for that. Also, Wayne didn't want anything clouding the boy's head at this time. Wayne had found though that Seven-Up made a perfectly acceptable non-alcoholic substitute."
"Seven-Up, huh?" remarked Carter. "Make Seven.......... Up yours." The boy began laughing at his recollection of the television commercial.
"Yes," said Wayne, "those were very funny commercials. The comic in those commercials is a very funny man. Now, how about we eat this meal?"
"Sure Wayne." replied Carter as he smiled. "There's one thing though dude. How in the hell do you eat lobster?"
"Just watch me and I'll show you." chuckled Wayne. "There's really nothing to it, it just looks more difficult than it is."
Carter watched Wayne as the man cracked his lobster, then removed some of the tender and delicious meat. Wayne dipped it lightly in a sauce that he had prepared, and ate it. Carter followed Wayne's example, and was soon eating the most delicious thing he had ever tasted. Wayne and Carter continued on, and enjoyed a very wonderful meal together. As the meal was settling, Carter spoke up.
"I hope you don't mind me asking a personal question." said Carter.
"Go ahead and ask away." replied Wayne. "If it's too personal, I'll be sure to let you know." Wayne then chuckled lightly.
"I know you can't make too much working for a state agency." said Carter. "How in the world can you afford all of this?"
"That's not too personal I guess." replied Wayne. "I come from a wealthy family, plus I had a very successful private practice before I began working for the state. My ex-wife was also pretty well off, so when we divorced we just went our separate ways without trying to take each other to the cleaners."
"Kinda sounds like you two still like each other." remarked Carter.
"Yes, it wasn't one of those messy divorces." said Wayne. "We both just realized that our lives were going in separate directions, so we decided to split while we could still remain friends. I do still talk to her occasionally."
"But you guys never had kids?" asked Carter.
"We did try," replied Wayne, "but it was one of those things that just never seemed to happen."
"That's too bad." said Carter. "I think you would have made a great dad."
"It could still happen someday." said Wayne. "I'm not that over the hill yet, and you never know when another lady will come along and sweep me off my feet." Both guys laughed for a few moments.
"Well, if that happens she'll be getting an excellent cook in the deal." said Carter.
"Thanks son," replied Wayne, "I always appreciate rave reviews about my cooking."
"I suppose if you did ever have kids and your son turned out to be gay, that wouldn't be a problem for you?" asked Carter.
"I would understand him completely, and give him as much love as any parent would give their child." said Wayne.
"I knew you would." said Carter. "I'm glad that I came here with you, and that you're trying to help me."
"I wouldn't have had it any other way son." replied Wayne.
After the meal had settled Wayne and Carter took two blankets outside with them, and sat on the beach watching the moon reflect of the ocean. Wayne looked over at Carter and noticed that the boy seemed to be concentrating on something.
"What are you thinking right now Carter?" asked Wayne.
"I can accept the fact that being gay is out of my control." said Carter. "I trust you, and I believe what you told me earlier today. That still doesn't really explain why I fucked things up so bad though. If I hadn't kissed Travis and felt his crotch, he would still be alive."
"That may be true," said Wayne, "but that still doesn't mean that there may have been something else going on inside Travis that made him react the way he did. I don't believe for one minute that what you did would have been enough to make most people kill themselves. Most people probably would have come closer to killing you."
"I wish that had been Travis's reaction." said Carter. "I probably was asking for it when I did that to him."
"I don't believe that either." said Wayne. "You were being honest with your best friend, and you really couldn't control his reaction to that."
"Yeah," said Carter, "but I knew that Travis would never hurt me and I took advantage of that. I mean, what else is left?"
"Did I kill myself when you exposed your naked body to me today?" asked Wayne.
"No." replied Carter shamefully.
"That's right." said Wayne. "I knew that you were just being a little frisky then, and I meant what I told you. You will make a fine lover to some gay person around your age someday, it's just not going to be me. Even though you are very good-looking with or without clothes, I'm just not attracted to other guys. We were both honest with each other this morning, and it turned out well."
"I don't understand though, how can you say that I'm good-looking, but you're not attracted to guys?" asked Carter.
"That's a fair question, and it calls for a demonstration." replied Wayne. "I want you to really think about this Carter. Do you think that Jennifer Lopez is a good-looking woman?"
"Yes, I guess she is." replied Carter.
"She either is or isn't Carter." said Wayne. "Which is it?"
"Okay, she is." replied Carter.
"What about Hillary Duff?" asked Wayne.
"Yeah," replied Carter sheepishly, "she's pretty good-looking too."
"But you are gay, Carter." said Wayne. "How can you think these women are good-looking?"
"Okay dude," said Carter, "I get your point. So, how should Travis have reacted?"
"There's really no way to answer that right now." said Wayne. "The best I can do is to honestly tell you how I would have reacted."
"Well then," said Carter, "you're a reasonably well-adjusted person. How would you have reacted if I had told you that I'm gay, kissed you on the lips, and felt your crotch, knowing that you are straight?"
Wayne thought about Carter's question for a few moments, trying to think of the best way to word his reply. Then Wayne said, "I would have been mad. I wouldn't have hurt you because that's just not in me, but I would have been mad as hell. Then I would have told you that I didn't want to be around you again until you learned how to control yourself a little better. That would have been how I honestly would have felt, and it wouldn't have been enough to make me kill myself."
"Are you saying that there was something else going on that I didn't know about?" asked Carter.
"There's always a very good chance of that being the case, no matter how well you know someone." said Wayne. "You would have thought that I would have known the boy who shot himself well enough to know that something like that could have happened, but there were things about him that I just didn't know. I've been trained to get to know people, and I had a whole year to talk to him and analyze him. I missed it because there were things that he kept from everyone, maybe even himself. Sometimes nothing that you can do is enough, that's why honesty is so important. If that boy had been honest with himself and with me, maybe I could have helped him."
"Nobody knew Travis like I did though." said Carter emotionally. "I knew that he wasn't gay, I knew that he would be upset, and I knew that he wouldn't hurt me."
"But did you know that he would kill himself?" asked Wayne.
"Oh God no, I didn't!" cried Carter. "I never would have done what I did if I thought I would lose him forever. I loved him so much, and now he's gone forever. Why is forever such a long time?"
Once again Carter was crying uncontrollably, and once again Wayne held him close in an attempt to console him. "I knew you didn't kill him Carter." said Wayne softly. "I knew you could never have done something like that. I hope you can believe that someday, you precious little angel."
Once again Carter was crying so hard that Wayne had to carry the boy inside, and tuck him into his bed. Wayne sat at Carter's bedside until the boy had cried himself to sleep. Wayne then went to his bed thinking over and over, "It is going to get better. It has to."
The next morning Wayne got out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen for his first cup of coffee. On the way, he noticed Carter staring out the patio door at the ocean. Wayne turned the coffeemaker on, and returned to stand beside Carter.
"It would have to feel better." said Carter.
"What's that?" asked Wayne.
"Just going out there until I couldn't make it back anymore." replied Carter.
"You can't really mean that Carter!" exclaimed Wayne, with a shocked look on his face.
"It hurts so much right now Wayne." said Carter, trying not to cry again. "It doesn't feel like it will ever stop hurting."
Wayne thought to himself, "This is it Wayne, we have to get somewhere right now. This boy's life depends on it now, and I can't let him down. I have to save him, no matter what it takes. There must be something I can say to get through to him."
After a few minutes Wayne said, "You were wrong about something yesterday Carter."
"Okay doc, I'll play along one more time." said Carter. "What was I wrong about?"
"You were wrong when you said that Travis would never hurt you." replied Wayne.
"How can you say that!?!" exclaimed Carter. "You didn't know Travis! Travis would have never hurt me!"
"I know you now though Carter." replied Wayne. "You are one of the most precious people I have ever met, and Travis has hurt you. He hurt you worse than if he had taken his fists and beaten you nearly to death."
"That would have been much better." said Carter.
"Yes, I agree." said Wayne. "That would have been physical pain, and that usually goes away after a short period of time. The pain that Travis caused you last much longer, and hurts much worse. I promise you that it will get better though Carter, I won't ever leave you until it does. Travis's suicide didn't solve anything for him or anyone else though. For him, well, there is no more him. I guarantee you that it didn't make him feel better, it just made him no longer exist. And it caused unbelievable pain for the ones he left behind him. If you were to kill yourself, you would be doing the same thing. It would not make you feel better, there would just be no more you. And the pain that you would cause others would be incredible, intense pain. You're not the kind of person who would do that Carter, I know that I'm right about that. You're right that I didn't know Travis, but I want to know him. I want you to tell me everything about him, so we can figure out why he hurt you, and everyone who loved him, as much as he did. I can make it better for you Carter, if you let me try."
Carter looked up at Wayne with tears streaming from his eyes and cried, "Please help me Wayne! Help me to learn how to live with what happened. I don't want to die, I just want it to stop hurting so much."
Wayne hugged Carter tightly and said, "I love you son, and I promise that I'll help you. We're going to get through this together, and your life is going to be better than it was before. It's going to take time, but I promise that I won't stop until we make it there. Just don't ever think about making things worse again. Those kinds of thoughts aren't going to help."
Wayne and Carter stood there a few more minutes, looking out at the ocean. Then Wayne guided Carter to the kitchen, and sat the boy down at the counter while he had a cup of coffee.
"Can I have a cup of that too?" asked Carter weakly.
"I guess so," said Wayne, "but you know that it'll stunt your growth, right?"
Carter couldn't help but to laugh at that remark, and was joined by Wayne. Wayne hugged Carter again as the two laughed for a few minutes, then the laughter slowly faded.
"That's what I wanted to see." said Wayne, as he ruffled Carter's hair. "You look very nice when you laugh Carter, and I'm going to do everything that I can to see that happen more and more."
What more can I say for now? Please send all comments to: email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org . I will see all of you again in Chapter 4.