Date: Wed, 28 May 2008 21:45:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starving For Love-Part 14. Abnormalities

     Tom yanked me away from Matt so fast I didn't have time to
say goodbye. "You shouldn't be talking to him," he scolded as he
pulled me down the hallway.

     I was annoyed because I wanted to talk to Matt a little
longer. "Tom you're being ridiculous."

     "No I'm not."

     "You're acting like Charlie."

     He stopped. The sadness was gone from his eyes and only a
look of anger remained. "I'm just trying to protect you."

     "So is Charlie. Only he's trying to protect me from you."

     "It's not the same."

     "Yes it is." The bell rang and I started walking away. "I
got to go to class."

     During the next class I couldn't decide if I was upset with
Tom about the way he acted or so in love with him that I didn't
care how he acted. By the end of class I knew I loved Tom too
much to care what he did but I also wanted to be around Matt
because Matt made me feel like I wasn't so crazy and I needed
that. I enjoyed being more normal than someone. Tom couldn't
understand because he had no idea what it felt like to be me.

     Tom dominated my thoughts through the rest of my classes and
my thoughts confirmed the unfortunate truth that my medication
was actually helping some. My thoughts seemed clearer than normal
and more focused. By the end of my last class I had two major
goals. The first was to get Tom to look at me the way he used to
and the second was to get Tom to accept Matt. Being around
someone like Matt was good for me. I wrote down my address and my
number on a sheet of paper and put it in my pocket so I could
give it to Matt when I saw him again.

     Charlie was standing outside my last period class when I
walked out. "What are you doing here?" I asked.

     "Waiting to pick you up."

     "No I mean how did you get in the school?"

     He grinned. "I walked inside."

     "You're not supposed to be here."

     "Who cares?"

     He escorted me to my locker and watched me get my books. A
few of his old friends spotted him and came over to talk. Each
one of them asked him what he was doing there. He told them he
was coming to pick me up. I knew that had to sound strange but no
one questioned him.

     We were making our way out the main door when I saw Matt a
few people in front of me. I yelled his name and he turned around
and waited for me to catch up. His eyes quickly darted towards
Charlie and his smile grew wider. He flew towards us and jumped
in Charlie's arms. Charlie was even stronger than I thought
because he managed to catch Matt without falling down or moving
backwards much. Matt kissed Charlie on his cheek and Charlie
laughed then squeezed Matt.

     Charlie put Matt down and gave him a regular hug and Matt
stole another kiss on Charlie's cheek as Charlie pulled away.
"You can't kiss me like that. I still have friends here," Charlie
teased.

     "But I love you," Matt said.

     Charlie seemed surprised and at a loss of words. I took the
opening and tapped Matt on his shoulder so I could get him to
look at me. When he finally managed to tear his gaze away from
Charlie, I reached in my pocket and held the paper out towards
him. Matt took the paper and read it then he made a strange face
at me.

     "I don't think Tom wants you talking to me," he whispered.

     "I guess that's too bad for Tom." I could tell my words were
hard for Matt to swallow. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

     "You would talk to me even though Tom doesn't want you to?"

     "Yes. He has a problem with you. I don't."

     Charlie grabbed my arm and started leading me away. "I'm
sorry Matt but you and Sam have to catch up later. We need to
go." There was a sense of urgency in Charlie's voice that made me
wonder what the real reason for our sudden exit was and I
wondered if Matt's comment had made Charlie uncomfortable.

     "Call me tonight and we'll talk," I told Matt as Charlie
pushed me out the door.

     "Okay."

     Charlie was moving quickly. "You know the car can't drive
home without us," I joked.

     Charlie didn't say anything but he didn't have to because
Tom ran up to us. Tom stared at Charlie then said, "Thanks for
the workout Charlie. I bet you didn't think I would catch you
guys."

     "No. I didn't." Charlie tried to pull me away. "We're
leaving."

     Tom jumped in front of Charlie and pushed him. "You don't
own him!" he shouted.

     "Dude what the fuck is your problem? I'm taking my little
brother home."

     "You just came to get him because you don't want him to see
me."

     "You're right, now move."

     "No."

     Tom and Charlie stared each other down and I stood next to
Charlie and nervously waited to see what was going to happen. The
tension between them was causing me to fantasize about running in
front of one of the cars passing by. Suddenly I felt my body
moving. Tom and Charlie looked at me and I turned to see who was
ripping me away from them. Matt had my arm. "Did either of you
ask him what he wants?" Matt asked. Neither of them was able to
respond. Matt looked at me, "Do you want to go for a drive with
me and then you can go home?"

     "Sure, but I have an appointment with my doctor at 6."

     "I'll make sure you get there."

     "Okay." Even if he had said he couldn't take me I still
would have wanted to go with him because he was getting me away
from them.

     "Have him home by 8," Charlie said.

     "You're going to let him leave with Matt but he can't go
with me?" Tom asked. "You can't be serious!"

     The two of them resumed arguing and Matt and I walked away.
Matt's arm casually wrapped around my shoulder, "Those two are
really something, aren't they?"

     "Yeah they are." I admitted. "They're both being stupid."

     "That's because they both love you."

     I rolled my eyes and ignored his comment. Then I realized we
were leaving the high school area. "Where'd you park?"

     He laughed. "I didn't say I was going to be the person
driving."

     "Who's driving us then?"

     "Well I was thinking we could walk to my temporary placement
and maybe ride the bus somewhere if you want. If you don't want
to go anywhere then that's fine. Mrs. Washington can drive you to
your appointment and then drop you off at home."

     "You sure she won't mind?"

     "It's still the early stages so they're both bending over
backwards to prove that they care. I can ask for almost anything
and get it because they haven't realized I'm not worth it yet."

     I wanted to tell him he wasn't allowed to say things like
that around me because I was trying to be less negative but I
decided against saying something about how depressing that
sounded and instead I silently acknowledged he had every right to
be as depressed as he wanted to be and to top it off, I knew how
it felt to have someone try to tell you how you should feel. "You
are worth it," I assured him.

     Matt patted me on the back. "Yeah right, good try though."
He turned up a driveway. "Come on, you can meet Jackie and Mrs.
Washington." I started laughing loudly. "What are you laughing
at?"

     "I can't believe you live this close to school. You can
almost see inside the building from your house."

     "It's not my house," he corrected. "I'm just visiting."

     I sighed loudly. "Whatever."

     We went in the house and Mrs. Washington seemed genuinely
happy to see him. I took a good look at her. She was about 5'6"
with blonde hair that went just below her ears and her size told
me she was definitely not wanting for food but what I noticed
most about her was that she looked like she could be Matt's
grandmother and she acted like she cared about him. She asked him
how his first day was and peppered him with questions before she
offered us a snack. I was surprised she remembered me from the
hospital. She asked how I was feeling and smiled at me but the
majority of her attention was lavished on Matt. I sat and watched
as she tried to engage him in conversation and he did everything
short of telling her to shut up. To the untrained eye it would
appear he didn't want to talk with her, but I saw something
completely different. I saw a woman attempting to find a way to
reach a boy who was desperately trying to find a way not to be
reached.

     "Sam is my boyfriend," Matt blurted out.

     "What?" I asked.

     He winked at me then hung his head and waited for her
response. "Really? Well I think you two make a cute couple," she
said without missing a beat. Then she turned to me. "You don't
have to be ashamed of who you are." I figured she must have
misinterpreted my reaction. She reached out and touched my hand,
"Its okay."

     "I'm not his boyfriend."

     "You don't have to deny it around me. I want you to be
comfortable here." She looked at Matt. "I want both of you to be
comfortable here."

     "I am comfortable here but that doesn't change the fact that
he's not my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend and his name is Tom." I
admitted to a complete stranger something that I hadn't admitted
to my own parents yet.

     Matt began laughing. "Sam you're no fun. You could have at
least gone along with it for a few minutes."

     Mrs. Washington laughed with him. "Were you trying to play a
joke on me?" she asked.

     "Something like that," Matt confessed.

     "I guess it's easier to laugh than to," she stopped mid-
sentence, obviously not wanting to finish her comment. "Well you
know what they say." She sighed then glanced at me then back at
Matt. "Next time you may want to make sure your partner is in on
the joke."

     There was a slight pause in the conversation and I sat still
and waited for one of them to say something. Matt surprised me
when he spoke first, "You wouldn't care if I was gay?"

     "Of course not. We've had gay children before." Mrs.
Washington cleared her throat. "So what are you boys up to
today?"

     Matt responded, "Not much. Maybe homework or something. Sam
has a doctor's appointment at 6 and I told him you would take
him. That's not a problem is it?"

     "Of course it isn't, but I will need to speak with Sam's
parents to make sure its okay with them."

     "Sam's parents are dead," Matt said.

     Her effervescent smile faded and she looked sick. "Oh I'm
sorry to hear that."

     "My parents aren't dead. Matt just has a problem with the
truth."

     Her face was somber for a few moments and it looked like she
was searching for something to say. Her smile began to return so
I figured she'd thought of something. "Matt is very imaginative.
Yesterday he packed his bags and sat by the door trying to
convince me his older brother was coming to get him. He even
packed up little Jackie. I thought about telling him I knew he
didn't have any siblings but my husband and I decided against it.
We both wanted to see how long he would put on the charade. I
never thought he'd last all day but he did." She reached over and
pinched his cheek. "This one is going to keep me on my toes."

     "It doesn't bother you that he makes things up?" Her
unconditional acceptance and almost appreciation of Matt's
peculiar ways seemed unfathomable to me so I assumed Matt was
right about being treated with pretend kindness because her
actions had to be forced and unnatural. No one could be that
understanding and excited about getting a child with a lot of
issues.

     "No."

     "But he lies about things people shouldn't lie about."

     Matt half raised his hand. "He's also still sitting next to
you."

     I turned to him, "My parents aren't dead," I was almost
shouting at him but I didn't understand why I was so angry.

     "I know that."

     "So don't say they are."

     "It's not a big deal."

     "It is to me." I said it and I got it. My parents were a big
deal to me and the thought of my parents being dead scared me.
Images of being stuck with Papa Charlie passed through my mind,
but I mostly thought about never having the chance to really talk
to my parents. I was hoping we could one day salvage some kind of
a relationship. They were finally noticing me and even though it
was in a way I didn't like, I thought with time I could get them
to notice me in a different way. I was starting to see the
positive side of things and appreciate the possibilities afforded
by the uncertainty of time.

     "Wow your medication is doing wonders for you!" Matt said
rather sarcastically.

     "Matt I don't think Sam is joking right now," Mrs.
Washington warned.

     "It's okay, this is how we get along." He put his hand on my
shoulder. "I say something inappropriate and Sam reacts then we
argue unless he's not in the mood to humor me and then we end up
closer than before. Right Sam?"

     "Sometimes you joke about things you shouldn't joke about."
I looked directly at him and his face dropped. My words had
somehow wounded him and I didn't want to wound anyone anymore.
Ruining my family and changing Charlie and Tom was more than
enough damage for me to wreak on the people around me. I tried to
smile as I added, "But I like that you're so different."

     Suddenly the house was overtaken by the sound of loud voices
and footsteps. "They're here," Matt announced.

     Three children who appeared to range in age from maybe six
to ten came running in the kitchen. Mrs. Washington welcomed them
the same way she welcomed Matt, but unlike Matt, the children
returned her affection. Then the two youngest children, who were
adorable little girls, hugged Matt and kissed him on his cheek
and I saw a glint of a smile before he quickly replaced it with a
scowl. It was weird watching him check his emotions.

     The other kids left the room but the smallest girl stayed
and smiled at me. "What's your name?" she asked in just about the
cutest voice I'd ever heard.

     "Sam."

     "Are you Matty's friend?"

     "Yes."

     "He's my new big brother."

     "I know."

     "He's a foster kid like me."

     "I know."

     "Are you a foster kid too?"

     "No."

     "So you live with your real Mommy and Daddy?"

     Mrs. Washington picked her up. "Let's go watch cartoons with
Marshall and Vicky and leave these two alone."

     Matt shook his head when they left the kitchen. "Do you want
to meet my real sister?"

     "Sure."

     Matt took me to his room and I saw the infamous Jackie. The
white, black and brown hamster was walking around in a container
by his bed. Jackie seemed happy to see Matt as Matt approached
the container and reached in to take the hamster out. He turned
to me with the hamster in his hand and said, "This is my sister,
Jackie."

     I wasn't sure how to react so I looked at the hamster and
spoke, "It's nice to meet you Jackie."

     The hamster kind of lifted its head and Matt said, "I knew
she'd like you."

     He suggested we do homework but that's not what happened. He
stretched out on the floor and did homework while Jackie ran up
and down his back and while I lied on his bed and thought about
my day and Tom and what I was going to say to Dr. Conley. I
wanted to be able to tell Dr. Conley I had a good day and that I
hadn't obsessed over anything but I couldn't tell him that. Tom
had monopolized my thoughts from the moment I woke up in the
morning and although I was with Matt and supposed to be doing
homework, my mind was a mess with moments from the day. Tom had
changed in some unexpected ways and his behavior was reminiscent
of Charlie but I wasn't thinking about that either, I was focused
on the way he looked at me and the possible things I could do to
get him to look at me like he did before the mirror incident.

     Mrs. Washington checked on us once and got my parents'
information so she could call them. I wondered what kind of
conversation she would have with my parents and I wondered if
they would even care. They were probably happy they didn't have
to worry about walking on eggshells at the house. I imagined they
were relieved when Charlie came home and told them I wouldn't be
there until later.

     Mr. Washington came in around 5 and introduced himself to
me. He seemed nice enough, but he was definitely not like Mr.
Yeager. He tried to make me feel welcome but he didn't do as good
of a job as his wife. It was clear that Mr. Washington wasn't as
comfortable with Matt as Mrs. Washington was.

     He told us to be ready in fifteen minutes and he left the
room. I was putting my books back in my bag when Matt whispered,
"I tried to kiss him."

     "Please tell me you're joking."

     "No, I'm serious. He came in last night to talk to me about
pretending my brother was coming to get me and he sat on my bed
while he was talking to me. When he leaned down to kiss me on my
forehead, I moved and kissed him on his lips."

     "Did he kiss you back?"

     "No. I tried to pull him on top of me and I parted my lips
then he almost broke his neck getting off the bed."

     "You're lying, aren't you?"

     "I wish I was."

     "Why would you do something like that?"

     "I wanted to make him feel good. I don't know. He seemed
like the kind of person who would have done me."

     "You wanted him to, um, do you?"

     "Yeah. I miss being touched that way." He grabbed his
jacket. "We better go. I wouldn't want you to be late."

     Matt dropped a live bomb in my lap and ran away. That was
what I thought as I sat on his bed dumbfounded by what he said.
He missed being touched that way. He wanted someone to touch him
that way. I couldn't understand why he would want that when it
was associated with such bad things in his past and if he did
want that I didn't know why he wanted it from his foster father,
but then I remembered what he had told me in the hospital and it
occurred to me that it was probably his father figures and his
foster fathers who had given it to him before. The Washingtons
seemed like nice people and I knew for sure it wouldn't last for
him because he was sabotaging it from every angle.

     The ride to the hospital was one of awkward silence and
random comments. Mrs. Washington was trying her hardest to get
Matt to talk to her and he responded by glaring out the window
and only answering with the occasional yes, uh-huh or no. I would
have said something to the woman, but my mind kept running to
other places and tracing over thoughts of Tom and things I could
do to make things better between us. I remembered the words Dr.
Conley had spoken to me at the end of our last session. He was
right when he said Tom was more important to me than I was to
myself and my homework assignment was to think of one good thing
about myself.

     It was strange the way Mrs. Washington walked with us and
not in front of us or behind us. I opened the door for her and
she thanked me and smiled warmly at me and I failed to think of
one time when my own mother had given me such an amazing smile. I
wished Matt would try to hang on to the Washingtons because they
were people I wanted to get to know better. I would rather have a
mother who bent over backwards to show me her unconditional love
than have a mother who made a concerted effort to avoid me and I
had been cursed with the latter.

     I walked in to Dr. Conley's waiting room and registered with
the receptionist who told me a young man had been there looking
for me. I assumed it was Charlie trying to check up on me.

     Mrs. Washington asked me if I wanted her to wait for me or
leave and come back and I told her it didn't matter so she asked
what my mother usually did and I said my mother usually waited,
then she responded simply by saying, "Then that's what I'll do."

     There were four seats against the back wall. She took an end
seat, Matt sat next to her and then I sat next to Matt. About
three minutes later the waiting room door opened and Tom came
walking in. The first thing I noticed was the bruise directly
below his right eye.  Before I could stand good, his arms were
around me and he hugged me and whispered how much he loved me.

     It took a few seconds for me to get him to back up a little
and listen to the question I was asking. "What happened to your
eye?"

     "It ran in to Charlie's fist."

     Matt beat me to the next question, "You two got in to a
fight?"

     "It wasn't really a fight. We had a misunderstanding and it
got a little physical. Nothing big."

     The fact that he was lying was written all over his face and
specifically written in red around his eye. I felt responsible
because their argument with each other was all about me and
neither of them should have been fighting over someone like me.
"You guys can't keep fighting over me."

     "It wasn't over you. It was over him. He's your brother, not
your keeper. He can't control who you see."

     Mrs. Washington cleared her throat rather loudly. We all
turned to her. "Hi Thomas, I remember you from the hospital. So
you're the boyfriend Sam was bragging about?"

     Tom's entire face seemed to come to life, "Yes."

     "And I take it his brother doesn't want the two of you to
see each other? Is that what's going on here?"

     "Yes Ma'am," Tom replied.

     "Is it just because you're a couple or is there another
reason?"

     Tom shook his head, "Just because we're a couple. He thinks
I'm bad for Sam."

     "Oh you poor boys. Some people are so close minded. I hope
he comes around."

     "I hope so too," Tom told her. She stood and approached him
then ensnared him in a hug and kissed him on his cheek like it
was the most natural reaction in the world and I realized her
unnatural kindness might have been more natural than I originally
suspected.

     When she let go of Tom she grabbed me and wrapped me in a
hug. Her hug was warm and sweet and tight and I couldn't help but
think about all the hugs I'd never received from my own mother
and that started the flow of tears down my face. There was
something in the way Mrs. Washington held me and even in the way
she smelled that guided me gently to a place of comfort. My tears
didn't seem like the burden they usually were and I wasn't afraid
to cry on her shoulder and pull her closer. "Things will be
better," she whispered.

     I wished that was true because I was devoted to trying to
make things better. I wanted to be the person Tom wanted me to be
and the person Dr. Conley thought I could be. I didn't want to
have to hurt myself in order to deal with my problems and rampant
insecurities and I didn't want to hide anymore but I wasn't sure
if I could be that other person because I still had the urge to
take a cigarette or a razor to my inner thigh and let my
frustrations bleed out. The medication seemed to dull the call to
action, but I couldn't deny that there were times when I heard
the call and would have heeded it if Charlie had not been
attached to me at the hip. I told myself maybe Charlie had helped
me some then I remembered that he kept me away from Tom and that
negated any good intentions he had and any worthwhile byproducts
that may have resulted from his actions.

     Charlie cared about me though. He had to if he was willing
to endure the torture that was my constant presence but he didn't
care about me enough to want to see me happy because if he did
then he wouldn't fight against my relationship with Tom. He would
welcome it with open arms and tell me how lucky I was to have a
guy like Tom want me.

     Mrs. Washington held my face and wiped away my tears with a
kleenex she pulled out of her purse. "I know it must be hard
having your brother and your boyfriend at odds, but there has to
be a way to work everything out. Maybe one of these days Tom and
you will just happen to drop by my house at the same time and you
know it would be positively rude of me to send one of you away."
She smiled. "Right?"

     Although I knew my tears weren't because of my situation
with Tom, I still found my tears drying up as she spoke and soon
I was returning her smile and giving her a response, "Right."
Things calmed down and we all took our seats. After several
silent minutes I began to wonder what Mrs. Washington thought
about the fact that we were in a shrink's office. "I'm not
crazy," I blurted out, "well I mean I am crazy but not like
really crazy just um kind of sort of crazy but not in a deranged
way. I come here to see Dr. Conley I mean Dr. Leyland because I
need someone to talk to sometimes."

     "Sam you don't have to explain anything to me. I am well
aware of the fact that everyone who has a therapist isn't
necessarily crazy and I can promise you this is not my first time
bringing someone here. Dr. Leyland is a wonderful man and he's
helped a lot of my kids over the years."

     "But he can't help all of them," Matt said. "I do believe
during my last appointment he informed me that we were no longer
making progress because I was absolutely incorrigible and our
sessions would continue to be unproductive if I didn't stop
pretending to be someone else and start accepting myself." Matt
looked at me and his eyes lit up. "You'll never guess who I was
last time."

     "Who?"

     "This goth looking guy named Sam who has a boyfriend named
Tom."

     "You were not!"

     "Yes I was! Dr. Leyland didn't seem to appreciate it very
much but he did let me completely act out the part. I guess I get
why now. I can't believe he's your guy too! He and I go way back.
I used to meet him in his other office though but now that I'm on
this side of town I come here."

     "Did he say anything about me?" I asked.

     "Of course not. He didn't even let on that he knew you.
Small world though."

     "Too small," Tom remarked.

     I looked at Tom and he was rolling his eyes and obviously
displeased that Matt and I had the same shrink. I wasn't sure why
that would anger him. It wasn't like Matt and I were going to
suddenly start doing group sessions or something.

     Matt slapped my thigh and said, "We have a lot in common."

     "Let's hope not," Tom whispered. I heard Tom's comment and
decided to ignore it because I wasn't sure how to take it. The
receptionist called my name and I stood, but Tom's hand on my arm
stopped me. "Would it be okay if I came back there with you?"

     No was my answer of choice but "Sure" was the answer I
voiced. Tom held my hand as we walked towards the door to Dr.
Conley's office and I caught him turn and give Matt a less than
friendly smirk seconds before we disappeared from sight.

     Dr. Conley was surprised when Tom and I walked in together.
I formally introduced Tom and Dr. Conley and then Dr. Conley had
Tom wait outside the door for a moment.

     "Sam are you sure you want to do a group session with Tom?"

     "I guess so."

     "This isn't something you can guess about. Either you're
comfortable with him being in here or you're not. I don't want
him to push you to do something you're not ready for yet. So I'm
going to ask you again. Are you sure you want to do a group
session with Tom?"

     "Yes."

     "Okay, let him in."

     "Before I do, may I ask you a question?"

     "Of course."

     "Do you think we could focus this session on my relationship
with Tom because he's having a hard time dealing with what
happened at the hospital and I don't want him to look at me the
way he does now."

     "And how is that?"

     "Like he thinks he'll lose me. He looks so sad now and he
didn't even bug me about eating today, it was like he was afraid
to say it and push me. I don't want Tom to be that way around me.
Can we talk about that today?"

     "Sure we can try but it all depends on how open and honest
both of you are willing to be."

     "I know." I opened the door and signaled Tom to come in. I
closed the door behind him and took a deep breath because I knew
I was about to be more open and honest with Dr. Conley and Tom
than I had ever been with either. It was like I could smell a
breakdown brewing in the air.


Copyright  Lustyville 2008
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