Date: Fri, 10 Apr 2009 06:29:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starving For Love - Chapter 19. Insecure Emotions

    I heard Tom before I saw him. "Let me fucking go! Billy I'm going to
kick your ass when I get free! You should be running you dumb bastard!"

     Matt pushed through the crowd of people and I saw Charlie standing
next to Tom and I wondered why Charlie was no longer holding Tom back, then
I saw that a couple of Tom's lacrosse friends were holding him. BJ was one
of the guys keeping Tom from ripping Billy's head off. BJ was practically
hugging Tom while Tom shouted over his shoulder. I knew it shouldn't bother
me, but seeing BJ with his body pressed against Tom became my focus. I
wondered what Tom was feeling and if he noticed how close he and BJ were
because even with the hostility of the situation I was only able to think
of BJ and Tom in a sexual way. Old thoughts re-emerged: `BJ was Tom's
first. He would always be Tom's first.' I couldn't compete with that. I
must have stopped walking because Matt pulled my arm to keep me moving
forward and we found ourselves in the middle of the commotion.

     "Look, the boyfriend and the retard are coming to your rescue!" Billy
said, taunting Tom.

     Charlie saw me and walked over. "You two should have stayed in the
car."

     "Hey I just thought of something!" Billy shouted, "Have your ex and
your new boyfriend met before? Sam you know Brian Jarnon, don't you?"

     A hush fell over the crowd and even Tom was quiet. BJ turned around
and looked at Billy and it was clear a line had been crossed. BJ calmly
walked over to Billy and stared him down. They stood nose to nose for a
moment then BJ punched him. He said, "Be grateful that there are
witnesses." BJ looked at Tom, "He's all yours." Then he disappeared in the
crowd.

     Tom probably would have pounced on Billy and beat him, but I think Tom
was too busy trying to figure out what had happened. I heard a girl
whisper, "Oh my God, BJ is gay. I would have never guessed it."

     Charlie had a worried look on his face. "You okay," he asked.

     Matt didn't give me a chance to respond. He told Charlie, "Sam's not
the one who just had his dirty little secret exposed. If you want to check
on someone you should go find that Brian kid."

     Once Tom got his senses back, he ran after BJ. "Brian wait!"

     I watched Tom running by me and it felt like he had taken a dull blade
and sank it in to my heart. Why would he chase after BJ? Matt put his arm
around me. "I know what you're thinking and don't. Tom loves you, only
you. Even a fool like me can see that. He's going after BJ because of what
Billy said, but he's not going after BJ because he wants to be with him."

     "I know that!" I said.

     "Do you?"

     I looked at Matt and Charlie and in a moment of weakness, I told the
truth, "No. Tom ran right by me and all I could think of was the fact that
I'm not good enough for him. He should be with someone like Brian and
that's probably what he wants." A few people were looking at me. "I don't
want to be here anymore." It's funny how life is. When I said those words I
meant I don't want to exist anymore. I didn't mean it literally, but that
was what I meant. Matt and Charlie assumed I was saying I didn't want to be
at school anymore.

     Charlie and Matt walked me to the car. Matt sat in the backseat and I
sat in the passenger seat and gave myself a mental pat on the back for
being honest with Charlie and Matt. I was looking forward to my next
session with Dr. Conley so that I could tell him what I did. Dr. Conley
would probably act like my one small gesture was in fact an enormous step
forward and a sure sign that I was making progress.

     We were riding down the street when Matt spoke. "Charlie I got a
question for you?"

     "Shoot."

     "Do you think Tom loves Sam?"

     "Yeah, even I have to admit he loves him."

     "Do you think Tom loves Sam more than Brian?"

     "To be honest, I think they both love each other more than they love
themselves."

     I interrupted their little show. "Uh guys, you do know that I see a
shrink on a regular basis, right? And that means you can give up the
charade. You guys telling me how much Tom loves me isn't going to change
things because I have to know it for myself and I do. I know he loves me. I
just don't feel like I deserve that love so I look for reasons why he
shouldn't love me." I smiled at Charlie. "See I can analyze myself. It's
clear that the problem is with me. It's always been with me. How many times
do I have to tell you guys that?"

     "Until you get tired of saying it," Matt said. "I get how you feel
about yourself. I feel the same way about myself sometimes. I mean a loser
like me doesn't deserve to have friends but here I am, sitting in a car
with my two best friends and they actually want me to be here with them. In
fact, my life is going so good right now that I've been inventing things to
do to fuck it up because the possibility of things working out scares the
shit out of me. Do you think I don't know that soon everything is going to
blow up in my face? I know it, believe me, I know it, because I'm not
worthy of any of this, but Dr. Leyland says it's up to me to trick myself
in to thinking that I have a right to be happy. He says every time I think
a bad thought I should think a good one. So I'm sitting back here wondering
how a freak like me could be this lucky and telling myself that everything
in my life was going wrong for so long that it's about time things started
to change for me."

     "Do you have a point?" I asked.

     He laughed. "No, not really. I just wanted to share how I was feeling
since you were being so open and honest and all."

     "Matt, do you know what I like most about you?"

     "What?"

     "You make me seem almost normal." We both had a good laugh at that
one. Charlie didn't laugh but I think that's just because he missed the
joke.

     When we finished laughing, Matt declared, "I could die right now and
it would be okay."

     Charlie was quick to reprimand him, "Don't talk like that."

     Matt sighed, "You normal people will never get it."

     I smiled to myself because I got it. Matt was right. He and I were
abnormal, it was like we shared a secret way of thinking that most normal
people couldn't understand, like we had an ongoing inside joke or a secret
society where normal people were refused admission.

     I decided to change the subject and try to talk about a lighter
topic. The first image that popped in to my head was that of Tom chasing
after Brian. "If I dyed my hair blonde, would I be hot?"

     Matt laughed hysterically. Between laughs he asked, "Where did that
question come from?"

     "I don't know. I was just wondering."

     He laughed for a few more seconds then said, "You could dye your hair
green and purple and still be hot. You have that kind of face."

     "Because I am so hot!" I joked. "I ooze sex appeal."

     Charlie tapped my arm. "If you don't believe it, no one else will. Why
don't you try to say that like you mean it."

     Charlie was no fun. He had to make things serious. "Charlie we're just
joking around. You don't have to read in to what we're saying because
there's nothing between the lines."

     "Funny, because I hear both of your insecurities screaming loud and
clear."

     Matt said, "Charlie you're too cute to be a buzzkill. Dude chill."
Matt put his hands on Charlie's shoulders and gave him a light massage. "I
can help you relax if you'd like."

     Charlie finally laughed. "You're not going to seduce any guys if
that's the way you massage."

     Matt moved his hands, "What, too rough?"

     "No, no, I love feeling like I'm being choked. It really gets my
juices going."

     Matt hit Charlie on the back of his head. "It was not that bad."

     "Yes it was."

     Charlie was more relaxed after that. I think he finally realized that
there was no imminent threat of one of us opening the car door and
jumping. I wondered what that would feel like sometimes, but I had no
desire to find out. Mostly because I kept thinking I would get hit by
another vehicle and die and then Tom would never forgive me. I understood
that it was a bit irrational because I would be dead so it wouldn't matter
if Tom forgave me or not, but for some reason, that thought always kept me
in check when it came to extremely risky activities. The only exception was
when I slammed my head in to the mirror at the hospital and there were
extenuating circumstances, plus I didn't do it thinking that I could die. I
did it thinking that Charlie would have to see what he had done to
me. Everything I did was a reaction to something around me.

     I was surprised when Charlie pulled in to the parking lot of a grocery
store. "Charlie, why are we stopping?" I asked.

     "I hope you didn't think you were going to get out of making me a
sandwich just because you hurt your hand."

     "Are you serious?"

     "Yes, now come on."

     As we were walking in the store Matt said, "I wasn't going to ask, but
since Charlie brought it up, what happened to your hand?"

     "I had an accident."

     "A real accident?"

     I heard what he was really asking. "I did it to myself but it really
was an accident."

     "Uh-huh."

     I would have questioned what he meant by that, but we were walking
through the doors of the store and I didn't want to talk about it in
public.

     Going in the store was a horrible mistake on my part. Charlie was
constantly harassing me and asking me what type of foods I liked and taking
me to aisles filled with nothing but fattening foods, or ingredients to
make nothing but fattening foods. It would have infuriated me, if it wasn't
for Matt making so many jokes about everything. I don't know how Charlie
and Matt did it, but they convinced me to get a pint of regular ice
cream. I was going to get a pint of reduced fat, sugar free vanilla, and
Matt slapped my injured hand each time I reached for the ice cream.

     Every time he slapped my hand, he said, "You're a man." He did it
about five times then I reached for the smallest ice cream they had, which
looked like it might have been a cup of ice cream, but it probably wasn't
even that. Matt hit my hand pretty hard that time. "You're not a baby!"

     I grabbed my hand and rubbed it. "That hurt," I said.

     "Funny, it didn't hurt me at all and I thought you liked pain."

     Matt started rapidly rubbing his hands together and Charlie asked,
"What are you doing?"

     "I'm keeping my hands warm so I can hit him again."

     I looked Matt in his eyes and said, "You're an idiot."

     "Says the boy who's trying to turn down free ice cream."

     "I'm not going to eat it."

     Matt put his hand on my shoulder. "Look you don't have to eat it. You
can just look at it for all I care, but I will not be seen in public
anywhere near a teenage boy who would select a pint of reduced fat sugar
free ice cream or a baby sized serving of regular ice cream. It's just not
right."

     I reached for the pint of regular vanilla instead. "I'm beginning to
remember why I don't like you."

     "Sam I know you don't like me," slight pause, "you love me!" I watched
in complete horror as he went skipping down the aisle singing, "Sam loves
me. Sam loves me. Same loves me and a pint of ice cream." He skipped right
in to one of the store employees who was walking by and knocked the poor
man down.

     If it was possible to die from laughter, I would have dropped dead
right there. It was the funniest thing I had seen in a really long
time. Matt extended his hand to help the guy up and the guy refused his
help. When the guy was standing, Matt started dusting off the guy. The man
grabbed Matt's arm and looked at him like he was crazy, then the man walked
away. Matt came back all red faced and looking so embarrassed and that made
me laugh harder.

     Charlie started pushing the cart. "Come on children, I think it's time
for us to get what we came for and leave."

     It was all work and no play after that. We walked around the store
like soldier's on a mission and we grabbed the items we needed. Charlie
paid for everything then we carried the bags to the car. I spent most of
the ride home teasing Matt about his accident.

     When we got closer to my house, I saw Tom's car, then I saw Tom
sitting on the steps waiting for me.

     Matt and Charlie had different reactions to seeing Tom. Matt said,
"Aww, how romantic."

     Charlie said, "That kid just doesn't give up, does he?"

     Tom was standing at my door before the car came to a complete stop. He
opened my door and held it for me while I got out. "What are you doing
here?"

     "I need to talk to you."

     All the circuits in my body paused for a moment. "You need to talk to
me?"

     "Yeah."

     "Is it bad?"

     "No, not really."

     Charlie interrupted us. "Sam."

     "Yeah."

     "I'm kind of hungry. Do you think you could fix my sandwich now?"

     "Sure." I asked Tom, "Do you want to talk to me while I fix the
sandwich?"

     "You're going to let him stay in the kitchen with you while you cook?"
Charlie asked.

     "Yeah, why not?"

     I saw that he wanted to say something else but he elected to leave it
alone. "I'll sit the groceries in the kitchen."

     Matt put his hands around Charlie's waist. "Charlie will you watch tv
with me until Sam finishes our sandwiches?"

     "Okay."

     The two of them went in the house and Tom and I stood outside and just
looked at each other for a few moments. I wasn't sure if I should start
crying as a preemptive strike against whatever he was about to say or if I
should put on a stoic face and let him think that I was unaffected by
anything he had to say. I must have looked pretty dumb just staring at him
blankly.

     "So you want to go inside?" he asked.

     "Yeah."

     We went inside and I headed straight for the kitchen. Fortunately Matt
and Charlie had dropped off the groceries and made themselves scarce. Tom
took immediate advantage of us being alone. He pulled me to him and kissed
me. I couldn't kiss him back because my mind was too busy formulating ideas
for what he might want to talk to me about.

     The one commonality between all of my thoughts was that it involved
BJ. There was a great variety in how it involved BJ though. In some of the
thoughts Tom admitted to me that he wasn't really over BJ and he was
mistaken when he said he loved me and in other versions, Tom told me that a
part of him still wanted to be with BJ.

     "Stop thinking," Tom whispered. "There is nothing going on with me and
BJ."

     "Huh, why would you say that?"

     "Because I know how your mind works. That's why I'm here. You're not
just my number one, you're my one and only. BJ doesn't hold a candle to
you."

     "Then why did you run by me to get to him?"

     "Because Billy had no right to say what he said. BJ never wanted
anybody to know about him and now everyone knows. What's BJ going to say to
his little sister or his parents if Heaven forbid, one of them finds
out. His parents aren't like mine. He's supposed to be their perfect son
and if they find out that he isn't it could ruin his life. I went after BJ
because he needed someone to talk to him and tell him that they'll be there
for him no matter what. But there is something I need to tell you."

     I couldn't keep looking in his eyes so I looked down. "Just tell me."

     "While I was comforting BJ, he got confused and kissed me." I
immediately envisioned Tom kissing him back. "I didn't kiss him back," Tom
said. "I pushed him away and he didn't react too well to that. I don't know
what's going to happen tomorrow at school, but I wanted you to know the
truth about what happened before you hear any rumors tomorrow. BJ and I
were not making out in the parking lot or fighting. He kissed me, I pushed
him, he yelled at me and then he got in his car and drove off. So don't
freak out tomorrow if you hear anything, okay?"

     "I'll try not to, and Tom I know you're going to hate me, but I have
to ask you something."

     "What?"

     "How can you keep picking me, as messed up as I am, over Brian?" In my
head it seemed like a no-brainer. Who picks crazy and depressed over cool
and attractive?

     "For the record, I don't hate you but I will kill you if you ask me
that again."

     "Are you sure you want to threaten to kill the resident crazy person?"

     He released me from his embrace. "What is this? I thought you were
getting better."

     "I was. I mean I am. I was just trying to make a joke."

     "Well that's not funny."

     He was just like Charlie. The two of them had little appreciation for
self-deprecating humor when it came from people like me and Matt. It was
unfair that they thought crazy people shouldn't joke about being crazy. I
thought Matt and I had more right than anyone else to make light of our
situations. It should have been a good thing that we could laugh at issues
that were so traumatic to most people and even to us. Neither of us was a
hundred percent better but they should have been happy that we knew
something was wrong with us. I thought things would be a lot worse if Matt
and I actually believed we were just like everyone else. I thought
understanding that we were different was the first step in recovery. We had
to accept that our reactions were not in line with mainstream behavior and
acknowledge a willingness to try to improve. We were not unredeemable.

     I walked over to the counter and grabbed the meat that Charlie and
Matt had left out for me. Tom's arms went around me and he pulled me
against him. For a moment he just held me and let his breathe hit the back
of my neck. "You know sometimes I dream about how we'll be when we're
older. I can already imagine myself coming home from work and finding you
in the kitchen preparing dinner. I'll walk up to you and wrap my arms
around you and kiss the back of your neck and tell you how much I missed
you and then you'll turn around and say something like `its only be a few
hours' and I'll smile and tell you, `it only takes a minute away from you
for me to miss you' and of course you'll turn around and give me real kiss
for being so sweet." He sighed, "You'll see. I'm going to make you really
happy one day."

     I turned around. "You make me really happy right now." We kissed and
he picked me up and sat me on the counter. I broke the kiss and smiled at
him. "If I'm sitting on the meat, I'm going to tell them it was your
fault." I pushed him back a little and looked behind me. I missed the
package of meat by less than an inch. "You are so lucky," I told him.

     He stole a kiss, "Yeah, I know."

     I was talking about the fact that I hadn't sat on the meat, but I
could tell Tom was referring to me. He thought he was lucky to have me. It
wasn't the first time he had expressed that sentiment yet every time he did
it always felt like a new experience. What a novel idea that someone could
feel lucky to have me.

     "I just have one criticism about your fantasy."

     "What?"

     "How come I'm in the kitchen cooking? What if I want to go to work?"

     Tom kissed my cheek. "You can do whatever you want to do. If you
decide to work then we can share the cooking duties. I'm not worried about
how we're going to work things out. We'll find an arrangement that works
for both of us."

     "And then we'll live happily ever after," I joked.

     Tom kissed me on my lips then said, "Sometimes you have such horrible
timing with your jokes, but since you said it," he paused, "yeah we will."

     `Until you fall in love with someone else,' I thought. Something about
him and Brian had invigorated my old insecurities about Tom leaving me for
someone else. I knew there were better people out there and it scared me to
think that one day he might find one of them and move on without me. There
was no question that I would always have his friendship but I had to
question if I would always have his heart. Brian had him once, who was to
say that he would never be attracted to someone other than me again? I
wanted to tell him `fairy tales are for children' instead I said, "Who
knows what life may bring."

     "I do and it's bringing brighter days for you and I guess me as
well. One day you're going to realize how amazing you are and I'm going to
have to try to keep your head from getting too big."

     "I don't think you'll ever have to worry about," the subtle change in
his face made me stop and completely change what I was saying, "Who's to
say my head isn't already too big?"

     He put his hands on the sides of my face. "Because right now it's a
few sizes too small." He smiled.

     I wasn't sure if I had been insulted or complimented or if it was just
a joke. "Did you just call me a pea brain?"

     "No."

     "Oh okay."

     He leaned in and kissed me again and I wrapped my arms around him and
enjoyed it. "Sa" we pulled apart and Charlie was there. He literally tried
to shake away the image of what he had just seen. It was amusing how he
kind of looked to the side of us when he spoke again. "Sam how are the
sandwiches coming?"

     "I haven't started yet."

     "Is Tom slowing you down?"

     "No, not really."

     "Well um, Tom, why don't you come and talk to me and uh Matt while Sam
gets the sandwiches ready."

     Tom put his arm around my waist. "Are you going to fix me a sandwich
too?"

     "It sounds like you're staying so I guess so."

     He gave me quick kiss on my lips and I couldn't tell if he did it
because he forgot Charlie was standing there or if he did it to make
Charlie even more uncomfortable. "Thanks Babe."

     He and Charlie left the kitchen and I got to work fixing the
sandwiches. I strained my ears trying to listen out for any yelling but I
didn't hear anything. When I finished the sandwiches, I called the guys
back to the kitchen. When they walked in, the first thing I noticed was
that neither Charlie nor Tom had new bruises so I assumed they were at
least civil to each other.

     They got their own drinks and helped themselves to the chips while I
nibbled on a smaller version of the sandwich that I had made for myself. It
was obvious that Charlie and Tom were still not very keen on talking to
each other so Matt and I carried most of the conversation.

     Tom had half a sandwich left when he got a text message. He checked it
and said, "I have to go, it's BJ." He grabbed his plate. "I'll bring the
plate back." He was walking away from the table when he turned around and
came over to me. "You're okay with this aren't you?"

     "Of course."

     "Great!" He kissed me on my cheek and left.

     `Sure, I'm okay with you leaving me to be with Brian,' I thought, `Why
would I mind?'

     Matt let out a rather loud belch then quickly said, "Sam is full of
bullshit."

     "No I'm not."

     Matt imitated Tom, "You're okay with this aren't you?" then he mocked
me, "Of course" he had a slight pause, "not."

     "Matt!"

     "Look, if you're uncomfortable with it, why don't you ask Tom if you
can go with him."

     "I don't know Brian. We were never friends."

     "So, you're gay aren't you? You can be there supporting someone who's
new to the concept of people knowing. I don't know. Make up a reason. I
know you're good at making up things."

     "He's probably gone already."

     Tom walked back in the room, "No, he was standing by the doorway
listening. Why didn't you tell me you weren't okay with it?"

     I lowered my head. "I thought you'd be disappointed in me or upset
with me because it would just remind you of how insecure I am."

     "Sam how could I be upset with you about being insecure when I was
insanely jealous of Matt until today."

     "Hey you should still be jealous of me," Matt said.

     "Yeah, not so much." Tom looked at me, "So Sam would you like to come
with me?"

     "I don't think I belong there."

     "I'm just going to pick him up and drop him off at his grandmother's
house."

     I started feeling guilty. "Oh that's nothing to be jealous of."

     "No, it's not, but I understand how you might feel so would you like
to come?"

     I hesitantly said, "Yeah." I looked at Charlie, "is it okay?"

     He rolled his eyes but nodded `yes' so I jumped up and left my
sandwich behind. I would have left everything behind if Tom asked me.

Copyright Lustyville 2009

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