Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2003 07:17:09 -0700 (PDT) From: afterglow Subject: stay chapter 13 Stay Chapter 13 by afterglow Disclaimer: This is not wonderland. This is serious stuff. So if you feel that the tootsie fairy just whacked your butt in here, please read something else. This contains love/sexual desires between teenagers. Any similarities to certain persons are purely coincidental. And unless this kind of material offends you're crude mind, I suggest you sit back, relax and enjoy wonderland. *** Hey guys! So sorry for the delay. I'm totally swamped right now. Thanks to those who emailed me and said they liked the story. I truly appreciate your views. *** "Jed please!" I screamed. I still can't believe this is happening! How can I be so stupid? How can I do this to Jed? God, how can I hurt him like this? "Jed please! Please don't do this!" I yelled at the tinted windows of his car. My hand kept tapping the glass just so he can hear me. Just let me explain everything. But he didn't bulge. He just laid those firm hands on the wheel, almost like crushing the whole thing. His face was a mess. Those red eyes bore into space, fury erupting from his soul. I could never forgive myself for seeing him like this and causing him the pain all his life. He started the engine. My hands automatically, pounded faster on the fine shields. My mind kept crying a thousand words. I'm sorry Jed. I'm so sorry! Please don't do this to me! And when he did look at me for the last time, he smiled. The smile of misery. With a thump from the clutch and a step on the gas, he sped off. Leaving me there. And the next thing I knew, it rained. It rained hard. Water drenching my eyes, my body, and my soul. I kept staring at the road where Jed's car once parked. And for a moment there, I felt lifeless. And as I lift my head up, acting as if I'm bound by the torments of my fate, I asked why. Why now? Why do I have to loose him? Then with eyes closed, I hear a faint snicker from behind me. I knew it had to be her. "Now, now how can you fuck this one up Edo?" Pat. I sighed. I knew it was useless talking to her now. And it seems she just won the lottery or something, mockery bellowing in her voice. So I just walked away from her. I turned and dashed forward, trying not to succumb to her intimidation. But it seems like, this was her day. Not mine. She kept trailing me from my back. "You know what, I was about to visit your house. You know, apologize for every shit I told you. But it seems like I'm right. That you are an asshole. From what I've just seen, you just broke Jed's heart." I didn't answer her ridicules. I just kept my ears closed hoping that the next word wouldn't be much wounding as the first. "And that I can't take. You knew he loved you all this time. But what did you do? You played him. Like a game. But tell you what Edo, this isn't a game. And I hate being the scoreboard. This is real shit!" Finally, I faced her. I stared in to her eyes, "What the hell do you want?!" She glared at me, first with irritation, then anger, then hate. I couldn't bare this anymore. I turned around and started walking again when a hand grabbed me by the shoulder. "Don't you turn your back on me." I turned to see her face again. I don't know if it was the rain, but it seems like I saw tears welling up Pat's mascara. "I want you to hate me," she said in a soft whimper. This time it was my turn to snicker. I smiled at her and said, "You know what? I'm tired.... I'm tired of hating people because the only thing I gain from that is loosing. Yes, I feel angry but I don't hate you. Once I hated my father and Jarrod. And look what it did, it just drove them away. It drugs you, consuming your whole body. And when you finally decide to stop, you can't because the game just started, and you're on a roll." "Edo, why don't you just drop the act? This isn't an episode of Smallville that everybody gets what they want. So stop being nice. Stop being naive. Stop making us feel that you're a hero, that with you everything would be all right. Because it isn't. This is life." "Well if you know everything about life, then why don't you start one?" "I had, you just ruined it," she glared at me. "Look, judge me- go ahead. Hate me- fine. But understand that I'm tired. And that I just lost the whole world today. And excuse me for interrupting your parade, but I have to go and be miserable for the rest of my life." And with that I hung my head low and walked through the damp streets. She never followed me after that. *** You know sometimes I think that I'm used to being with myself always that I begin to think I'm immune to loneliness. That I don't care about the world as long as I'm alive, I'm safe. That I don't want to experience love or any of that bullshit. Because it sucks. "It sucks," I muttered to myself. As I was walking to my house, soaked all over, I saw a figure standing by my doorstep. Cautiously, I took a closer look, making out Kate's familiar face. "Hey..." I spoke first. "Hey..." she looked a little surprised. Then I noticed her sad eyes brimming in the dark. Why is she here? "Um, is there a problem?" I asked. She nodded. Stupid. Of course there is. "Jarrod?" "Yeah." "Oh." We stood there in awkward silence for a minute. Shit! Why do I keep on hurting people? Why does she have to be caught up like this? Shit! "Um, can I ask you something Edo?" Huh? "Sure..." She sat down on the wooden stairs as I went beside her. "Do you... do you have feelings for Jarrod? Please tell me the truth. I mean you two seem pretty close together. And..." What? What do I do? Shit! "Um..." "It's nothing really. You don't have to answer that. He pretty much likes you too Edo. Much more than you think." "Kate..." I looked at her face. Why is she smiling? "Really it's nothing. You're a good guy Edo. You're going to take good care of him." "What? What are you saying?" "I mean look at you. How can I compare myself to your perfection." "Kate, what do you mean?" "I used to laugh at those girls who fall for the wrong guy. But I guess when your in love you fall for everything that's wrong." "Kate!" "I mean to even think that I could change Jarrod's sexual orientation. Ha! Stupid. But don't worry, I'm free now. And I'm so happy." "Kate look at me! Look at me!" I yelled at her, "Snap out of it!" She laughed, "Edo, you don't have to yell so loud you know. I hear you. I guess I'm just too happy." Is this girl for real? "Why?" She bit her lip, then with a grin she said, "Because we just broke up." Silence. "I'm really tired of the whole relationship thing. Good thing I'm already leaving. I wasn't supposed to come here at all but Jarrod was just too persuasive." Somehow I can't seem to find the words to speak. "Look Edo, I can't stop smiling. I don't even think about Jarrod anymore." As if my emotions to control of me, I whispered to her, "It's okay." "What?" It was her turn to look confused. "It's okay to cry Kate." "What are you saying? I'm not depressed or something. I'm actually feeling very good." "It's okay... cry..." I gently cupped Kate's back head and placed it on my shoulder. I don't know why, maybe it was instinct, or maybe because grams used to do this to me. But it just felt natural to do it. At first Kate hesitated. But then I felt her trembling body and noticed her sobbing. She was crying uncontrollably as I began stroking her hair to soothe her. "It's okay..." I was mumbling those words under her ear. Then I said, "It's unfair really, to give up someone you love. You think you're doing the right thing when in fact it's only right for you. Kate, you don't have to do this. You don't have to give up Jarrod. Trust me, I've given up people and all I felt was misery. He loves you. Don't ask why, I just know. Stop thinking of what's best for him, because it's you that he needs most. Don't make excuses that you're happy, or I'm perfect. I know it's easier that way, but the only thing that can truly make you happy is that you be true to yourself." She slowly lifts her head away from me and I can see those tears running down her Asiatic features. "You seem to say the right things at the right time. Are you always this ideal?" "Trust me, I'm not good at this mushy stuff, I usually scare people off." She laughed. And this time, I know it's for real. "So..." she said with an innocent face. "So?" "So you never answered my question." "Huh?" "Do you like Jarrod?" Shit! Argh! I began to feel myself blush once more. "You know what, you don't have to answer that," she said smiling wickedly, lifting herself up, "You can go tell him yourself." *** It was all coming back to me. I used to be this tall every time I came by Jarrod's house. I couldn't even reach for the knob. Standing here at his door makes me miss the old days. I smiled and closed my eyes. It was a cold night. And even though water was running through my whole body, I can't seem to feel it. All I think about is what to say to him. What if I mess this one again? What if he hates me now? Just like the time when I left him. Shit Edo! I mean hear yourself. You've got to focus. This is it Edo. You have to tell him everything. Everything. No more lying. No more running away. It's time to face your fears. God that sounds awful. As I was about to ring the doorbell, the front door suddenly opened. Jarrod's stunned expression greeted me, "Hey." "Hey." Silence. "Uh..." "Yeah?" "Uh..." Shit! Why am I this nervous? It's just Jarrod for crying out loud. "Huh?" "Um, can I come in? It's getting cold here," Argh! "Oh, sure. Sorry about that," Jarrod gestured at me to enter as I slowly walk in, trembling. He then closed the door and walked beside me. I guess I was too busy shivering to myself that I never felt Jarrod coming up to me with a hot chocolate on his hand. "Look, um, give me those clothes, I'll dry them for you." I began to protest but he just hushed me and started to unbutton my shirt. Oh no. Shit! Why is this so awkward? Jarrod's undressing me? Argh! Why does this feel like a potential candidate for the best porno movie ever? Argh! I looked up at Jarrod and he faced me. I don't know why or how but at that moment, I felt that he was searching for something. He had this longing that is just written all over him. And then when I was about to say something, I felt a hand slide upon my chest. Instantly, my breathing became hard. Shit! Shit! Shit! Then as if nothing happened, he took his hand off, rushing out of the living room, taking my shirt with him. Huh? What was that about? "I'm... I'm just going to dry this for you... ah make yourself feel at home." What? Jarrod, come on. I usually come up here every time, why the formality? "Uh, okay," I said back. Then about a minute he came back, carrying an extra shirt for me. "Here, you can use this..." this time he wasn't looking at me anymore. "Thanks." Silence. "Um, you want something to eat?" "No thanks. I'm not really hungry. Actually I'm just here to talk." "Oh." "Are you okay?" Jarrod sat down beside me and placed his hand on my thigh, "I'm alright now that you're here." Oh shit... I gently shifted my position as I stare uncomfortably at his hand. "Uh... Jarrod..." "I knew you'd come for me. I was worried that the kiss didn't even mean anything at all." "Jarrod..." He then moved forward, running his hand up more. Then he slowly leaned up against me, inches away from my face. I could hardly breathe anything at all, as my heart raced a thousand miles. Oh no... this isn't happening again. With that killer smile of his, he seductively licked my neck. I felt his warm tongue explore my bare skin, melting every cell within my body. Shit! "Wait! Um, Jarrod stop please!" He didn't even flinch; he kept on sucking every part of me. "Jarrod please! Don't do this..." I felt his hot breathe going up my chin then to my cheeks. He caressed it for a moment then turning to my lips kissing me deeply. "Mwf!" I tried everything to break loose from his grips but I couldn't. No! This isn't happening to me! No! Jarrod please stop! Stop! Stop! Then Jarrod stopped. Just like that. His face fell upon me, searching me again with those eyes. I guess he must have realized what he'd just done as tears start to fall down. "Oh God! I'm so sorry Edo," Jolting up from the couch, he ran out of the room, to a flight of stairs. *** "Jarrod come out and open this door!" For hours I've been knocking on Jarrod's room but all I could hear was light sniffles from the other side. "Jarrod if you don't come out, I'll break this damn door!" No answer. "One..." "Two..." "Leave me alone!" Jarrod screamed. "I can't. We have to talk Jarrod." "What's there to talk about Edo? I'm a freak! I practically raped you!" "Jarrod..." "I like you Edo, no I love you. And I don't want to hurt you." "Let's talk. Please. I promise I will leave, just give me five minutes." I heard footsteps coming as the door opened revealing Jarrod's red face. He then moved back to his bed and lay there. With a sincere expression, I came over to his side. Silence. "So... what are you going to say?" he spoke first. I guess he's still embarrassed by the whole situation, keeping a distance away from me. "Um... I just want to say that... you're.." What exactly am I going to say? I feel like hating you right now but I can't? What? Argh! "You're... a good kisser." Huh? What the heck? Jarrod stood up and faced me, "Really?" "The best. And to think that it was my first time... " "What? You've never been kissed?" "Hey! It's not a big deal okay? You know how shy I am to girls..." "Yeah right, except every girl in school is dying to get a date with you." "Huh? No! I wasn't even on the top ten list." Jarrod laughed, "Well you were. You just turned all nerdy when you came back. You should have seen those girls get crazy when they heard you coming back then finding a different Edo altogether." I eyed him suspiciously, "How do you know that stuff?" He blushed deeply, "Would you believe me if I told you that ever since we were little, I had this big crush on you? Even though you were so skinny and small, you always brighten up my day. Even now, a day doesn't seem to pass without me thinking of you...." Jarrod kept saying those words, those beautiful words. But my mind wasn't thinking of Jarrod now, all I saw was the young Jarrod I grew up with. His tall slender body frame sitting at the edge of the bed, with those new bought shoes that he would always boast about. It was like I was brought back in time. "... because of you." he finished his last words, "Hey are you even listening to me?" "Sorry, got carried away," as I said this I looked up at him. "Well that's why in PE classes, you've always been the ball magnet. That's why you have those bumps in your head, you can't seem to listen to every word I tell you." All the while I kept a frozen face as I see Jarrod's fourteen-year-old body talking to me like he just came from a photo album. Like the big brother I never had lecturing me on my mistakes. "Okay, there you go again, spacing out on me!" he said as he raised his arms in defeat. "Jarrod there's something I need to talk to you," I said seriously. He had that look of apprehension written all over his face. Then shaking his head slowly, "Look if it's about what happened in the living room, I'm so sorry. I would never do that. I would never ever hurt you..." I raised a hand to him, "Forget about it. That's not why I came here for..." "Huh?" "Um, I need to talk to you about us." "Oh," Jarrod's face fell. "Do you like me?" I said bluntly. He quickly replied, "Of course!" "I mean really really like me?" "Huh? Why are you asking this?" "Just answer the question." "You already know the answer to that. I love you Edo." Pain. Pain. Pain. All I could think about is pain. Jarrod said he loved me, I should be happy right? I should be one of those girls who jump up and down every time their boyfriends propose to them. I should be doing splits for crying out loud! I should be happy right? But I'm not. I'm not. I feel hopeless. "You're thinking," Jarrod's voice crept in my mind, "You're thinking that maybe its all a joke. That I'm just pulling your leg. I'm not. I love you Edo. I have always." No Jarrod. I'm actually thinking of how an asshole you are saying that you love me. Do you actually think that by saying that, you can bring up the past and change the whole world? Why do you have to say it now? Why not earlier? Why didn't you said that when I still have feelings for you? You bustard! "Uh... nope. I'm actually thinking... um how lucky I am to... um be with you.... um," I said trembling. Jarrod laughed. "You know Edo, you are a lousy liar. And even if I can't read minds, I could tell by your shaking voice that you mean the opposite." Suddenly, I felt a warm hand cupping my face. I've never seen Jarrod so close to me before. "I love you Edo..." Jarrod said those four simple words. I fell silent. My face was so flushed that I couldn't even breathe. Why is love so painful and so beautiful at the same time? "Your not saying anything again," Jarrod queered. "Oh... um, sorry. I just don't know what to say." "Well... you could say that you love me back." "Jarrod..." "What?" He has the hopeful expression. "Um... could you um, turn around? I don't want to see your face when you hear what I'm about to tell you..." Shit! What am I doing now? "Okay..." Feeling a bit uneasy, Jarrod faced his back to me. "Um... grams you to tell me that we were like twins. Every time she passes by, she would always see us together. And it's funny because I thought of you as my brother as well. You were always there, looking after me. And I felt the safest place in the world is being with you..." "Edo, I know..." he began to mumble something but I cut him off. "Let me finish. You were my best friend Jarrod and you still are. Even though we had our rough times, even though you treated me like a trash back then, I still felt there was a connection between us. I'm sorry if this came too late but I loved you Jarrod. I did. But even though we seem so right for each other, we're not. Were meant for each other but only as friends, and that's all we'll ever be. I can't go back. I can't betray myself and tell you that I have feelings for you now. Because..." "I know... it's because of Jed." "It's because every time I look at you, all I see is my past. I've changed too Jarrod. I want to be free and be true to myself, even if it's giving up a chance to be with you. You always remind me of that Jarrod who was there to protect and save me whenever I needed someone. I don't need protection right now, and I certainly don't need an excuse to say that I don't love someone else. Because I am." I was pouring all my heart. It feels awful, but those words must be said. And I choose to say it because, I love Jarrod. How ironic is that? I was trying hard not to cry but tears came flooding my face. I tried to hear out Jarrod's reply, but all I could hear was the faint silence among us. Then with a croaky voice he said, "I always thought that you're different from everybody else because you're kind and gentle. You always think of other people than yourself. That is what's attractive about you Edo, that's why I love you. I came to save you everyday because I thought you'd want it, when in fact I was the one who needed saving. I was badly falling in love with you then, do you really think it's that easy to fall out of love with you now?" "But I understand," he said, facing me, "I'm so happy to know that you still loved me. And I guess that letter that was in my box really was from you. Don't ask, I just know. You're really something you know that Edo? Being here with you right now is enough for me. Thanks." "For what?" "For breaking my heart. It's good Edo. Now I know how it hurts loosing someone. It's like a game, you win some, you loose some. I guess you get to have your first loss so that the second time won't count as bad as the latter. Thank you." I couldn't bare it anymore. I stood up from Jarrod's bed. Why did he say that? Does he actually think that I'm paying with him? I breathed, "So this is goodbye," I said bitterly. "Yeah, I guess it is." I bit my lower lip as I stood there, trying hard not to show anger. "So it's over." "It is for me." I grunted, "If you need me, you know where I am. I'll send a funeral service for you." "Oh goodie. That way I can put up a sign that says, 'buy two kidneys and get a liver for free'." Jarrod smiled. Argh! I took one last glare at his face and stormed out of Jarrod's room. Argh! Why is he so neurotic sometimes? He thinks this is all a joke? Times like these, I want to throw him in the Pacific Ocean. Bastard! Then I a small smile broke loose from my face. "Grams is right," I said to myself, "We do fight like cats and dogs." *** Ah! Finished at last! Did you like it? I'm having a hard time resolving this one but I made it through. Wooopie! Again, Thanks to all those who emailed me, and to the readers who continually support nifty. And to Esteban, the sex god of the 21st century, keep your hormones bro. This chapter is dedicated to my ever-dearest friend Miguel. *afterglow