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I finished the entry in my journal. Writing what I can remember in my journal gives me some sort of release. Just knowing that I can write everything here and nobody but me can see it, makes me feel peace, if only for a while. Closing the journal I put it in my secret hiding spot. I sighed. It was almost that time. I had to get up now or be late, not that being late has ever stopped me before but I needed to go eventually. Hell it was ten times better then staying in this rundown apartment. I guess you can say that I live in the ghetto, or as we like to call it the grove, and the apartment that I lived in was right in the middle of it all. I slipped on a pair of jeans that had holes in them in different places. I can't remember if I stole them like that or if I ripped my pants running from the police last Thursday. Whatever they looked clean enough. Then I grabbed a tee shirt with some kind of logo on the front and back of it. Then I grabbed the only pair of shoes I owned and put those on too. I walked to the bathroom and looked at my reflection in the broken dirty mirror. My hair had grown out more and now it was almost to my shoulders. That was probably the only good thing about me was my hair. It was wavy and had a brownish black color. I shrugged my shoulders. Whatever. I quickly brushed my teeth with whatever was available, and walked out into the living room where the crack head bitch herself, had passed out on the couch. I tired to make it to the door with waking her up, but she quickly sat up and looked around like a dog searching for its master. She looked at me finally and got up from the couch.

Great.

"Where yew goin boy?" She asked slurring her words. Obviously she was still high.

"To school. Where else would I be goin? And since when have you cared about if I leave?"

She walked over to me and slapped me across the face. I can't say that it was a surprise because truth of the matter is...it wasn't. I pushed her backwards and she stumbled a little and tripped over something and fell to her ass. I laughed of course which only seemed to piss her off. So the fuck what. Obviously the bitch didn't know who she was messing with. I would never hit a woman, but she wasn't even that. She was just a...a shell. And nobody said anything about hitting a shell. She got to her feet and looked at me with anger.

"Get the hell out of my house!" She yelled at me pointing towards the door.

I walked to the door and opened it. "Gladly." I said before slamming the door shut behind me. I walked through the hallways of the broken down apartment seeing random people passed out on the floors or doing drugs in plain sight. I guess addicts get up early in the morning too. I continued to walk down the hallway and to the stairs and down to the second floor. I stopped at one room and reached out to knock on the door. I heard yelling behind the door and sounds of movement. Then suddenly the door opened.

"Who the fuck--?" He looked at me then changed his tone. "You? What you doin here dis early shawty?" He asked me pulling me inside and shutting the door behind us. I just stared at his body. He wasn't fat, or skinny and his body wasn't all that to look at either, but it was what was between his legs that had me coming back for more. Don't get me wrong he was attractive to some degree, but lets be realistic I can do WAY better. So why was I settling for him? Because it's the only thing I know. I knew people like him I shouldn't get involved with, but he had some sort of control on me. Other then the obvious, he had a way of satisfying me. First Trey is the local drug dealer no that not right...he was the godfather of the drug dealing game. He ran everything in this town. He had connections. Hell I even heard stories of cops being on his payroll. And it was him who opened me to the wonderful world of drugs. For that I was thankful. I wasn't a crack head, or even addicted. I would just pop a pill when life got to be shit, and they would make it all go away.

"Yo you listenin to me? I said what you doin here?" He asked again.

I blinked a couple times before remembering where I was. A smile spread across his face and I knew automatically what he was thinking. To be honest I don't know why I knocked on his door, but right now with the look he was giving me, all I could think about was one thing.

Sex.

Silently he unbuckled his pants and in one swift motion lowered them and his boxers to his ankles. I stared at his dick. It was so thick and long, I sometimes wondered how I was able to take it. I smirked to myself.

Because I'm a pro.

I just watched, mesmerized, at him stroking his long dick. My mouth watered with anticipation and my body was trembling with excitement. I wanted it so bad now. Fuck school. It wouldn't be the first time I didn't go because of sex, hell if I had my choice I would gladly choose sex over school any day. Its just more fun. But if I missed to much school my social worker would be stopping to pay me a visit, and that was the last thing I wanted. I shrugged my shoulders. One more time wouldn't hurt and with him stroking himself and looking at me like he was going to give me the best fuck of my life, how could I say no? I walked closer to him and when I was within reach, dropped to the floor to give him and me what we both wanted.

~

I woke up and glanced at the clock on a nearby wall.

Damn it damn it damn it. It was 11:30 which means that I wasn't just late to school, I fuckin missed three class and was in the middle of the fourth. I rose up from the bed and quickly felt pain in my ass. Damn it. He must've fucked me harder than I thought. Without moving as much I located my pants and pulled them up my waist and my shirt over my head. I tried to walk towards the door without waking Trey because I knew he would want to fuck again if I woke him. But as luck would have it Trey woke up just as I reached the door.

"Where the hell you goin?" He yelled from the bed.

Shit. "I gotta go to school, be back later."

"You aint gotta go no where but back to this bed." He stated getting up from the bed and walking over to the door. I watched his dick sway between his legs as he walked. I felt my resolve slipping. His dick had some kind control over me. Even with him staring face to face with me, all I could do was stare at his dick. Somehow I managed to look away from his dick long enough to look him in the eyes. He had a cocky grin on his face.

"Like I said, get yo ass over on that bed so I can fuck again." He said grinning wider and rubbing his dick on my pants. Shit why me?

"Trey I can't I gotta go to school." I said pushing him back a little.

"That shit more important then me?" He asked obviously getting mad. "I'm hard as hell and I wanna fuck again. You know you want it so quit playin."

He was right I wanted it. I never wanted something so bad in my life, but I had to go to school. If I didn't then I would have to see Ms. Lacy, the social worker from hell, again and as much as I wanted him, I didn't want to see her more. I sighed.

"I really can't Trey, you know why."

"Fuck you then nigga." He yelled. "Get the fuck out my house and don't come back!"

"Nigga please!" I yelled back. I was probably the only person that could yell at him without getting shot or something. His own sister doesn't even yelled at him. "You and I both know you want me just as much as I want you. You gone get horny and then call me up apologizin and shit tellin me how much you wanna fuck." This nigga was a joke. How long have we been doing this? He should know by now that I knew his game, and that I was playing my own at the same time.

"Just get the fuck out!" He yelled pushing me out of the way so he could open the door then pushing me out the door and slamming it shut. I thought about knocking on the door and yelling some more, but I really had to get to school. I ran down the hallway and out the door towards my school ignoring the pain in my ass.

~

I got to school in 15 minutes decided to just skip my fourth class since it was almost over. I walked towards the cafeteria. I was hungry. I guess sex and running can do that. The cafeteria was crowed with kids most of them I didn't know. I did spot a couple of my friends at a nearby table and they motioned for me to come over. I walked over and took a seat across from Shawnice, Trey's sister. She was short, no she was a midget. I doubt she even reached 5 feet. She had long hair, that was obviously not hers because of all the different colors. She was the definition of a ghetto hoe. I really didn't like her and from what I heard she was a slut and had sex with half the basketball team including the coach. I wouldn't be surprised if the rumors were true. She was a bitch and got everything she deserved. I figured she didn't like me as much either because I had `turned her brother gay' as she said. I could care less what she thought.

"Sup Noah." The twins Jaden and Jaylon said in unison. They were both sexy as hell. Both tall brown skinned with muscles that they both got from being on the football team. Hazel eyes that they squinted when they were mad or excited, and soft full lips with perfectly straight white teeth hiding behind them. Just looking at them made me hard all the time, but as far as I knew they were straight. What a shame. I muttered a `Sup' to them.

"Hey Noah what took you so long?" My friend Brandon asked looking smug. He knew damn well where I been. He just wanted to hear me say it. Brandon was one of my only real friends that I trusted. He was lighter then the twins and had naturally curly short hair that he was trying to grown out. He was about my height maybe a little taller and he looked a little like Evan Ross from ATL but a little darker. At least that's what everyone told him. We had our moments in the past where we fucked around, not sex, just touching, and jerking each other, but other than that he was more or less...straight. That was too bad. We could have had fun.

"You know damn well that he was fuckin my brother." Shawnice said being the bitch that she was. Did I mention that I really hate her?

"Bitch nobody asked you." I responded. Shawnice look at me like I had two heads.

"Nigga who you callin a bitch?" She yelled. "You know who my brother is? He gone kick yo ass when I tell him what yo bitch ass said." I just looked at her unaffected and crossed my arms.

"Bitch." I said again stressing the word. "I know exactly who your brother is or did you forget that his dick belongs to me? So instead of kickin my ass...he probably will be kissin it." Was I good or was I good? The bitch was just sitting there with her mouth opened wide. I smirked. I was right and she knew it. Her brother treated me better then he would ever treat her. As far as he was concerned she was just another one of his hoes, and that was giving her too much credit.

"Okay I think we all could use a time out." Brandon said holding his hands up in the universal sign for time out. "Noah why don't you come with me to get something to eat or just walk around. Let everything cool down." He didn't give me time to protest. He walked around the table and pulled me up and held my arm pulling me away from the table. We walked over to the line with him still holding my arm.

"You wanna give that back?" I said motioning to my arm. He blushed and quickly let go of my arm. That was weird?

"You know you should give her a break."

"Huh?"

"Shawnice."

"She started it." I said simply trying to end the conversation. He was starting to piss me off. Always taking her said and I'm supposed to be his best friend. I didn't wanna talk about it anymore. Obviously he had other plans.

"Yeah but you didn't have to call her a bitch." He said. "And what you said about...Trey..." It was no secret that Brandon didn't like Trey. Unlike everyone else he was the only one to stand up to Trey besides me. They never fought though. Trey ain't a fool. Brandon is just as big as him and if Trey had to fight him, he would have to fight for real, and even then its not guaranteed he would win.

"Well it was the truth," I almost yelled, "She's a bitch, and Trey would be a damn fool to pass this up." He gave me a disgusted look when I mentioned Trey. He didn't like Trey I get it, but Trey is the only one who actually wanted me. Every other man before Trey just wanted sex, and they usually got it, but Trey he wanted me...all of me in his twisted way.

He crossed his arms and looked away. He was pissed. "You could do better."

I didn't even see his mouth move when he said it. Still I heard it and for some reason it pissed me off more. Maybe he was right, but who the hell was he to say who I should or shouldn't be with? I had nobody else. NOBODY. Trey was all I knew, all I wanted. How dare he say that I could do better, like he was better than me.

"Really...because I don't see anyone jumping in to fill his shoes."

Brandon then turned around to face me. His eyes peering into mine. He just stared at me like he wanted to say something. What's stopping him? When he finally spoke, it wasn't what I thought he would say.

"You're pathetic, you know that don't you?" He asked before walking away and out of the cafeteria. I think I went through all the cruse words known to man, plus a few that I made up on the spot, that's how pissed I was. I wasn't even hungry anymore. I just left the cafeteria in a rush and went off to find Brandon. This wasn't over. If he thought he could say something like that to me and just expect me to take it, he obviously didn't know me like he thought. I walked, ran, down the hallway in search of Brandon but he was nowhere in sight. He couldn't have just disappeared. He could be outside. That was the only place that I didn't really think to look and if I knew him as well as he knew me, then that's where he would be. I ran towards the front doors and pushed them open. Sure enough he was standing there on the steps smoking. That's funny, I've never known him to smoke. I walked a little closer to him. God he was so sexy, and for some reason seeing him smoke only made him sexier. I shook my head a little. I was supposed to be mad at him, and I'd be damned if I was gonna let him get away with talking to me like that.

"Hey," I shouted to get his attention, "I wasn't done." He glanced over at me and turned back around. He sucked on the cigarette once more then dropped it on the floor and steeped on it. He walked over to me and blew the smoke in my face, then he leaned in close, so close that I thought he was going to kiss me. My heart was pounding so fast that I thought it was going to burst out my chest. His lips were so close if I leaned in just a little...

We stood like that for a while I didn't know what to do, what to say. I couldn't remember why I was mad at him, or why I came out here. All that was on my mind was kissing him and touching him.

He leaned in a little closer.

His lips just a few inches from mine.

He leaned in closer.

Millimeters.

Thump thump. I could have sworn that I was hearing the sound of my heart beating.

Finally he leaned in closer, but his destination wasn't my lips. My heart sunk. No it was destroyed. I don't know why I got my hopes up. Every time just like before they would break my heart. Who needed love anyway? Not me. Fuck love, and fuck Brandon. All I needed was Trey and what he could provide for me. I wasn't in love with Trey, it was just...convenient. For us both. Just like all the other guys.

He leaned in close to my ear, his lips touching it slightly. "Bet you thought I was going to kiss you." He said. His voice was raspy and deep. "Is that what you wanted? You want me to kiss you?"

He was fucking with my head. He had no intentions of kissing me. Not now, not ever. He was just a tease. That's all he was and I wasn't into games. I didn't want to be his play toy, his little `straight boy experiment'. I've been used before but not anymore. If I wanted to fuck a nigga it would be on my terms. And I was on Brandon's terms now.

I shoved him away from me, not hard, but just enough to make him stumble backwards.

He was smiling. Cocky little bitch. He was toying with me. I regained my previous anger with full force.

"What the fuck is yo problem?!" I yelled at him. Good thing we were the only people outside, or we would have drawn a crowd.

"Why do you care?" He asked still taunting me. "Why don't you just go back to your little boyfriend and get pumped with drugs and sex."

If it was anyone else I would have just shrugged it off, but coming from Brandon, those words stung like alcohol in a cut. Why was he being so mean? It wasn't like him.

"Why are you doin this?" I asked my voice cracking a little. I was emotional, but I would not give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. No matter how much I wanted to. "What's wrong with you? You never used to talk to me like this before."

His cocky grin disappeared from his face and for a moment I could have sworn I saw regret in his eyes, but only for a moment. His face was now expressionless. He walked towards me and for a second I thought he was going to walk past me but he stopped and stood next to me facing the opposite way.

"If only you could see, then we would have eternity." He whispered and then walked away leaving me to decipher his message.

I collapsed to the floor and finally allowed myself to cry.

~

I stopped writing for a second. I couldn't really concentrate. I kept thinking about Brandon's words and how much they really affected me. How could he be so damn mean? Out of all the thirteen years we have known each other, we never fought like this. So why now? The conversation kept playing in my head over and over again.

I shook my head a little. I didn't want to remember. It hurt too much to remember. He was supposed to be my friend. My best friend, and he treated me like shit. His words stung. He said all that to hurt my feelings on purpose and for that...I hated him. I slammed the journal shut and placed it back in my hiding spot. Brandon wasn't getting away with this. Or my name wasn't Noah. I wiped the tears from my eyes and stood up. I wasn't about to stand around let him talk like that to me anymore. I was done crying. I was Noah and Brandon, friend or not, was about to find that out the hard way. I walked towards the front door and opened it. Janice wasn't here thankfully, probably out somewhere supporting her habit. Just as I opened the door Trey was standing there in a pair of basketball shorts and a tight t-shirt with his muscles straining against the almost see through fabric. I instantly forgot what I was mad about or where I was going. All that was on my mind was Trey.

"You miss me?" He asked smiling in a seductively. I was supposed to be mad at him, but it was so hard, difficult, to be when he was standing here looking all sexy just for me.

"Depends," I said casually trying not to sound like I was giving in to fast, "Are you done bein an ass?"

He reached his hand out and grabbed me pulling me into him. Our lips were so close that I was sure he was gonna kiss me any minute.

"Come on baby don't be like that." He said kissing me softly on the lips. "You want to me apologize?"

I nodded my head, "That's a start."

He kissed me again softly. I could feel his dick pressing against mine and I knew that any minute we would be fucking and my body shook with anticipation. He leaned forward and started sucking my ear and neck. My knees buckled. I had to brace myself against him so I wouldn't fall.

"I'm sorry." He whispered still sucking on my ear.

I push him backwards a little to look him in the eyes. Whether he meant it or not, he still said it, and that was enough for me.

"Okay." I whispered back. As soon as I had said it he pushed me backwards against the wall and began kissing me and touching my body. I quickly freed him of his shirt and let my hands roam over his body. The thing about Trey is no matter now many times we fucked, it would always be better than the last time. And this time was no different. We kissed in the middle of the hallway, discarding more and more of our clothes. I didn't care that anybody could just walk by and see us, but I didn't want to do it here. I wanted to go back to his apartment, but he had other plans. He wanted to fuck me here and now. He was licking and kissing my neck as he reached his hand down my pants and unbuttoned them. My eyes were closed in ecstasy. I craved this. I needed release and Trey was gonna give it to me. My body trembled again. Slowly my pants were lowered to the floor and all I had left on was my boxers. I opened my eyes halfway and looked at Trey. No I was looking past Trey, at Brandon. Brandon stood behind Trey staring at us with wide eyes. Trey just continued to kiss my neck, not knowing that we had an audience. Brandon's face was unforgettable. He looked pissed, but he also looked sad. I turned my head away. I couldn't look at him anymore. For some reason I felt guilty. I felt lower than I've ever felt in my entire life. When I looked back at Brandon I could have sworn I saw tears in his eyes. I pushed Trey away, probably harder than I should have. He was about to yell at me until he saw what I was looking at.

"What the fuck yo doin here bro?" He asked Brandon.

Brandon clutched his fist hard. Then I did see a tear roll down his cheek and catching me and Trey off guard he slammed his fist into the wall making a huge hole in it. He cried out in pain or frustration, I don't know. I quickly pulled my pants up and pulled my shirt over my head. I walked over to him and he gave me the most hateful look, stopping me midway. I didn't know why he was so mad. Ignoring his glare, I walked closer to him.

"Yo what the fuck you doin?" Trey asked from behind me. "Let that nigga be, he did that shit not us."

I turned around and gave Trey a look, telling him to shut up. He ignored it.

"You choosin that nigga over me?" He yelled.

"I ain't choosin nobody, he's my friend and he's hurt and I'm not gonna let him just keep hittin shit. He could hurt himself!!" I yelled back at Trey.

He just huffed. "Are you dumb or what?"

"Excuse me?" I asked quickly getting offended.

"He fuckin likes you. Why the hell else you think he actin like this? Hittin shit after seein us bout to fuck." Trey said smirking over at Brandon.

My head was spinning. It couldn't be true. Brandon liked me? Since when? Why didn't he say anything sooner? I turned around to face Brandon who was looking like he was confused, then guilty. He quickly pulled his hand out of the wall, wincing slightly. I looked down at his hand. It was swollen, and bleeding a lot. It looked like it might be broken. I tried to reach out to touch it but he jerked back.

"Don't touch it!" He yelled. "Don't touch me!" He took off running down the hallway. I wanted to run after him.

"Go after him and I will find some bitch to fuck." Trey said from behind me. That pissed me off.

"Fuck you nigga. Go find a bitch to fuck I don't care." I yelled back at him. He wasn't gonna do it. He just wanted me to stay with him. He was scared I would fuck Brandon and leave him.

"Nigga fuck you. You bet not even think about fuckin that nigga, you hear me?"

"I don't have time for this." I said turning to walk away. I felt myself being turned around and slammed against the wall. It wasn't hard, but hard enough to get my attention. I was face to face with Trey.

"I said don't even think about fuckin him." He repeated kissing me on the lips hard and letting me go. "I ain't gone wait on you all night." He finished before walking away. I straightened my clothes and ran down the hallway to catch up to Brandon with one thought in my head.

Please don't let it be to late.

An orphan boy grows up without knowing where he came from or who he really is. And that's just the beginning...His life is full of secrets and mysteries, but can he figure them out before its to late? Or will the revelation of his secrets ruin his life more than it already is?