Disclaimer: Same rules as always apply. Contains adult content and strong language.
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Love Is My Own Worst Enemy
My past is just that, the past. I don't know anything about my parents, who they were, what type of people they were, or if I have brothers or sisters. With the last name Bennett you would think it would be easy to track them down. But when I typed my last name into the search index thirty-two people with the last name Bennett were shown within a 200 mile radius. Like I said before I didn't bother looking for them. But I would think about them sometimes. My parents. I am human after all. Maybe someday they would come looking for me and see the person I turned out to be. Would they be disappointed? Would I be disappointed? Am I an only child do I have little brothers or sisters? Why did they give me up...did they even want to? It doesn't matter because in the end...they gave me up anyway. And as far as I was concerned they were noting to me. But still there were so many questions unanswered, things I wanted to know. Maybe I would never get those answers. I wasn't okay with that.
~Noah 10.15.07 12:00pm
As much as I struggled to get back to the surface and not only breathe, but see who my attacker was, it was useless. Whoever it was he was strong and held me under the water with little force. It was getting harder to breathe and I couldn't last much longer. If I could just get up for one second, just one second I could get the upper hand. But right now I was at a disadvantage. I struggled harder as the hand pressed me deeper into the water. I flailed around kicking, scratching, and grabbing at anything I could get my hands on that would help me. I had to get out. I was slowly slipping into unconsciousness and for the first time since I was six years old I was scared. I wasn't just scared I was terrified for my life. My last thought before I passed out was of Brandon's kiss and how I wanted to do it again and tell him that I wanted him. I wanted desperately for him to save me. After that I lost consciousness.
I saw a light. It was so warm and so bright, yet it wasn't blinding me. In fact it seemed to have a calming effect on me. It made me feel like all my worries and troubles vanished and all there was left was this warm feeling that radiated through my body. I wanted to get closer to that light. The darkness was cold, wet, and lonely. The light gave me something that I haven't felt in so long. It gave me...hope. I chased after the light that seemed to fade into the darkness. I ran faster but I was slowly losing to the darkness again. The light was unattainable. I ran as fast as I could but the light just retreated into the darkness. Just when I wanted to give up hope a hand emerged from the darkness and reached out to me. I ran towards the hand and grabbed it. Somehow it felt familiar. Like I knew the person. The hand slowly pulled me forward into the light and I trusted it. I trusted the light.
When I woke up the room was blurry and I was panicking. I almost died. Someone was holding me and I pushed them away violently. I backed up until my back hit something solid. I still couldn't see I just wanted to run and whoever was sitting in the room with me could be the same person who was trying to kill me! I couldn't breathe. The person moved closer to me.
"STOP!!" I yelled. It was the first thing that came to mind but honestly if the person was trying to kill me saying stop wouldn't have stopped them.
The figure slowly retreated until the stood against the bathroom door. They didn't leave. I reached my hands to my eyes and rubbed them like crazy, desperately trying to clear my vision. Slowly the room became clear and I looked down at my hands until they came into focus. I quickly glanced up to the person standing at the door.
Trey? How? Was he the one...?
I tried to stand up but my legs felt like jelly and I quickly fell back to the ground. Trey quickly rushed to my side and helped me sit on the toilet. I didn't protest but I still had so many questions.
"Did you catch him?" I asked still gasping for air. Trey looked at me confused.
"Catch who?" He asked softly.
I was in disbelief. What was going on? It was real, I know it! "The person...someone was trying to kill me!"
He held me close to his chest and made shushing noises. "Its okay...you just had a bad dream and you prolly fell asleep in the water."
I shoved him away. I know what happened...what I felt and I felt someone's hand holding me underwater. That wasn't just my imagination. Suddenly I didn't feel so safe with Trey, how did I know he wasn't the person trying to kill me after all? My body was trembling from the shock and the cold.
"How?" I asked looking straight trying to avoid eye contact with Trey.
He reached out to touch me but I jerked away from him quickly. "How!" I demanded more than asked this time.
He looked at me like he didn't understand the words that were coming out of my mouth. Like all of a sudden I was speaking a different language. What the fuck was going on? He was acting weird, and right now weird was suspicious. It angered me.
I sucked in a deep breath, "How did you fuckin know that I was in trouble. It was way too convenient for you to be here at the right place at the right time, and still not catch or know, who the hell was tryna kill me. Someone was tryna kill me and right now I'm not too sure that it wasn't you!"
Okay so maybe I was overreacting by accusing him, but I'm scared and confused, and I just wanted my head to stop spinning long enough for me to make sense of all this. Trey turned his back on me. At first I thought he was going to leave, but he just stood there not saying anything, not looking at me. A part of me wanted to apologize but I would be damned if I would take back what I said now. His actions were just confirming my suspicions.
When he finally spoke it wasn't what I expected, "You coulda died...you know that right?" He said is so impassively. It scared me. He was speaking to me like I was a stranger, like he didn't know me anymore. Maybe I pushed him too far. "I coulda let you die...you would have drowned without me, and you sit here and accuse ME! ME NOAH!" He was yelling at me. That was the first time he's ever yelled at me. At that moment I felt more scared of him then I've ever felt about anyone in my entire life. Trey was dangerous, that was a known fact, but something about his tone of voice wasn't threatening it was just...sorrowful...heartbreaking almost. The room grew silent again and I just wanted to leave. Run somewhere...hell anywhere was better then being here after everything that's happened. I tried to stand up, this time succeeding but still having to hold onto the sink to keep my balance. I decided that this conversation was over there was nothing more that needed to be said. Too much has been said already and if we kept going at the rate that we were, we might say things that we would regret, or even worst say things we actually mean. I took a step forward and my legs felt like I had solid weights tied to them. It took almost all of the energy I had to walk over towards the door. Trey still didn't say anything and I had to walk past him to get to the door. I took a deep breath and continued to walk forward. I was right behind him and I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time...I was holding my breath. Breathe. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. Its now or never. I walked past Trey and didn't stop to look at him. I reached the door and finally stopped and looked over my shoulder. I wanted to go back to him. Apologize even...but I couldn't. I didn't know if I was wrong about all this or not, but I knew that what was said was said, and that I couldn't take back. I sighed and walked out the bathroom and into my room. I was naked after all and I needed to put some clothes on. I quickly put on a pair of jeans, a t shirt, and my shoes. I wanted Trey to be gone when I came out, but I knew better.
I walked out the room after I was satisfied with my appearance. And not to my shock Trey was still there...amazing. He was standing by the door with a frown on his face and looking at the floor. Even when I cleared my throat he still continued to look at the floor.
"I think you should come stay wit me?" He said opening up the door.
"I think I can manage." I replied. Truth was that I couldn't manage. What if the person came back to finish me off. I shook my head. He caught me off guard...coward...this time I would be prepared for him. I could handle it by myself. That's what I told myself.
He shook his head and then looked up into my eyes. For the first time I noticed that his eyes were red and puffy, like he had been crying. Did he cry? Was he crying because of me? "Then I guess that means I'm staying here." He shut the door and walked over to me and embraced me in a tight hug. "I refuse to let something like this happen to you again. You hear me?" His voice was cracking and it sounded like he had to force himself to say those words. All the anger I had towards him earlier vanished and was quickly replaced with guilt and regret. Those two emotions. I haven't felt those in years and I forgot how bad they actually made me feel. I placed my hands on his back softly returning the hug. This was a whole new side of Trey that I've never seen. He was loving during sex, but that was just a `in the moment' kind of thing. But here he stood. In my apartment holding me, crying over me. I felt like the worst person in the whole world for making him cry over me and what made it worst was the I accused him of trying to kill me, and I no matter how hard I tried I STILL thought that he could be a suspect. It was killing me.
I felt his tears soaking through my shirt. More guilt. I nodded my head to let him know that I understood. He tightened his embrace and for the first time I felt like he was a real person. He wasn't Trey `the drug dealer' or `the playa' he was just...Trey.
"I will stay wit you for as long as you want me to. Baby I swear--" He called me baby, " I won't let something like that happen to you ever again. Tonight you scared me. There I admitted it. You scared me. For a second when I pulled you out and you weren't breathing--" He started crying again. Guilt. He started to speak again, this time his voice was softer. " I thought I lost you and I realized something." He released me and I could see the tears streaming down his face. My heart ached...was this more guilt? No there was something slightly different about this feeling.
I touched his face and wiped away some of the tears. "What did you realize?" I asked softly looking into his dark eyes.
He smiled and reached out to touch my face. I leaned into the touch instinctively. His hand felt so warm. "Tonight I realized that I love you."
He said it like it was nothing. Like that word just defined itself. I should have seen this coming. I should have known that he was going t to say he loved me. I thought I heard him say it before. Frankly that word scared me. Love. I didn't know how to react to that. In fact I wasn't even sure there was a such thing as love. Maybe he loved me, or maybe he thought he loved me. It wouldn't be the first time. Men have been saying they loved me for years. Even the married men who cheated on their wives just to get a chance, or more then just a chance, with me. Claiming false promises to leave their wives just to be with me. Good thing I wasn't naïve. I didn't play into their broken promises because I knew their game. I was playing on a whole new level. So what makes Trey's love different? Maybe he meant it. I've know him since I was twelve. Would he lie to me? Especially now. Could I trust him? Really trust him. Unconditionally. If not him then who? He knew me inside out and I knew him, and was seeing more from him everyday. Was this just one of his games or did he mean it? Did he want to be with just me? Was he willing to throw it all away, the hoes, the drug life, the other dudes...for me? If so, was I willing to do the same...?
I opened my mouth to reply, I really didn't know what I was going to say. I love you too? "Trey I--" He interrupted me by placing his finger on my lips.
He shook his head and whispered softly, "Its okay, I know how you are...don't force yourself to say it unless you mean it. Okay?"
I just smiled and nodded my head. I wouldn't have said it back. I don't think I could have. Truth is I didn't love him. I didn't love anyone. Love was for the weak. The helpless. The ones that needed to rely on others for strength or to define who they are. I knew who I was, and I wasn't part of a half that fit together to make a whole. Love made people weak. It made them vulnerable. It made them...pathetic. And I was far from that.
"Okay." I whispered.
He continued to stoke my face. "Tonight has been kinda weird for us huh?"
Now that I think about it we almost had sex in the hallway of our apartment, but got caught by Brandon, who made a big scene by punching a hole in the wall, then I ran after him, had a heart to heart, took him to the hospital, kissed him, then ended up actually having sex with Trey in the hallway of our apartment with people standing around looking on, and then I almost died. Now here we are in my apartment after everything that has happened, and Trey does a 180 on me by telling me he loves me. Yeah that definitely qualifies for a weird day.
I laugh nervously, "Yeah it has."
His hand slips down my face, to my shoulder, and down the length of my arm until his hand is holding tightly onto mine.
"I know its almost morning, but how about we go back to bed." He smiled at me. He was human. He was just Trey. A loving, caring, thoughtful Trey. One that I care about. One that could be worthy of me in the future. I was so damn confused. I've never been this confused in my entire life. I wanted to be in love with him, but that wasn't possible. It was NEVER going to be possible. I couldn't bring myself to love him. I couldn't be weak. Not again. Love is my own worst enemy, and it was a battle I didn't know if I was strong enough to fight. I was slowly losing, slipping into the darkness again. He squeezed my hand, pulling me away from my thoughts. "We don't have to have sex...if that's what your worried about."
"N-no...that's not it...its just...I don't know." I must be going crazy turning down sex with Trey.
He stepped a little closer and our bodies were touching. I could feel his breath on my face. "But if you want to..." He wrapped his arm around my waist. "Who am I to deny you?"
Suddenly that problem I had earlier, about breathing, yeah it came back. I think I was panting like a dog. I had to stop this.
Oh what the hell, I grabbed him and closed the space between us by kissing him. Something about it was different. Like it was more passionate. Suddenly my feet seemed to vanish from beneath me and for a moment I was confused and scared, but then I noticed that he was carrying me. It was nice of him. I have to admit it was funny seeing him try to navigate his way through the apartment while still trying to kiss me. I decided to make it easier for him and stopped.
"That's easier." He said with a laugh. I laughed too.
The door to my room was open so he just walked in and laid me softly on the bed. He turned around to shut the door, then turned back around and took his shirt off. His body wasn't bad, at least not as bad I thought before. He could exercise a little more, but I liked his body and that's all that mattered. He crawled into bed and I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. I broke away after a while.
He looked up at me. "Yeah baby?"
I hesitated a little. "Thanks."
He quickly rose up from the bed.
"What?" I asked. "Did I say something wrong?"
"No its not you baby...I just...I think that we shouldn't do this."
What?! Trey was turning down sex...with me. Maybe he was changing and maybe I could fall in love with...no. No no no no. It won't happen. I won't fall in love. With anyone. I love myself...and only myself.
He saw how confused I was, apparently it showed more that I would have hoped. "It's not that I don't want you...I do...its just...now's not the best time."
I nodded my head. It was understandable. After I thought it over, I really didn't feel as up to it to have sex as I thought. I was too exhausted. "Your right but...can you still...stay...I want you...to stay." I didn't want to be alone, not after everything that has happened. He didn't reply, he just laid down on the bed behind me and wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close to his body. He kissed my ear softly and I smiled at the touch.
Outside the sun was peaking through the clouds and the day was just beginning. I smiled to myself. Judging by his breathing, Trey was on his way into a deep sleep. I closed my eyes. Hoping sleep would come easy too. And it did.