Disclaimer: This story has homosexual bits in it. [guy on guy] If that makes it illegal for you, it ain't my problem. Your loss.
If it offends you, you've got problems, again, it's not my problem.
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Thank you and enjoy the story!
Nothing to lose
He's suffocating, the pain can be excruciating
And liberating, it helps him forget the worlds he's hating.
He's got nothing to lose
He's been beaten and he's been bruised..
He's got nothing to lose so he's always winning.
The colors were impossible to define, they were flashing through everything, changing constantly. I was falling down with an amazing speed, but it felt as if I was lying on a soft warm cloud. The wind blowing was calm and slow, yet I knew I was going fast. I closed my eyes but I still saw everything. I reached up with my hands to touch the shapeless objects the colors made out, but didn't feel anything. I thought about standing up but stretched my legs and hands instead, completely calm.
At the sides I could see my light blond hair dancing in the air.
I watched the hyper colors and shapes as they hurried past me, making me feel high. I smiled.
Do.. -know.. -you..-er
The colors above me started to slow down and with that so did I. With confusion in my eyes, I was looking at the colors, turning my head left and right, my sad eyes pleading them to continue.
The colors became slower with every second as they kept turning shades darker.
No! I wanted to scream, but nothing came out. Please.
One by one, I felt pictures shooting though my head.
"You piece of shit! How dare you talk to me like that!"
"Be a good boy and don't tell mummy, okay?"
"Don't fight it.. That's my boy.."
"S-Scottie? W-What are you doing? Put the gun down. Please."
Then all of the rotating colors came back, joining together into one small blurry ball, that was now a mix of grey, brown, and dark green colors. Suddenly, they all turned to black, and the ball shot through me. My green eyes turned black and my lips froze. I fell apart and turned to ash.
I looked up to see an older woman sitting in front of me, with a worried look on her face.
"Mr. Bristow, did you hear my question?"
Her voice was so obvious. The same as always. The same as all of their voices. Their looks. Speaking carefully, afraid they might say the wrong thing and POW, the little freak will lose it. Look at him. He's a mess.
Sometimes, I can already simply assume what they're going to say, and most of the time, I get it right, too. After that, I can't help it, I start laughing. Laughing at their pathetic attempts at understanding. That, of course, only makes them stare and shake their heads more. Maniac.
It's simple, really. Everything. They send me to all possible kinds of doctors, who try to analyze every move I make, and nothing helps. They just really can't realize it's their fault. They turned their heads and looked away when I needed help. Now, yes, now, they try to help me. Ha.
"Mr. Bristow? Why do you think you're here?"
I giggle quietly, then lift up my head to look at her again.
"I honestly don't know, m'am. My mother threw me out of the bed this morning and told me I need to see a shrink. I'm still in shock."
Her lips formed a little smile as she scanned my face.
"I'm using sarcasm" I added, before she could speak "because I'm afraid to show my real feelings, and deep down, I'm just another weak, poor little boy, seeking attention and love." I made a sad face and winked a couple of times-
Her smile grew a little wider.
"Now that we found out the new shocking news, are we done for today?" I asked, glaring at the clock on the wall. We weren't done. I just came here. We still had 40 minutes. 40 minutes I wasn't going to spend here. I slowly started getting ready to stand up and leave.
"Actually, I was going to say you have an interesting sense of humor. Music to my ears, after spending years of my life listening to old men who wanted to kill themselves because purple elephants told them to. We still have 38 minutes left."
Alright, I thought. Not as stuck up as usually. I sat back and watched her as she watched me. She stood up, and walked over to her desk, that was on the other side of the bright room.
"Do you know what my name is?" she said, not looking at me, while writing something on a piece of a paper, and putting it in one of the drawers.
"Close." she nodded. "Susan." She took a few flowers that were turning brown out of the vase and threw them in the trash. "And your name is Scott." she added while she was walking back to her chair.
"Wow, lucky guess."
She sat down. "You're here because you want help."
I laughed and looked into her eyes to see if she was being serious. "I'm here because my mother needs to throw away large amounts of money for of me, so she doesn't feel like a complete failure as a parent."
"Sounds like your mother should be the one sitting here."
She was pretending to be on my side. Pretending to understand. So I wouldn't feel alone. Been there, done that.
"She should have used condoms in the first place."
"But then again, sex isn't as good with a condom." I raised my brows and looked at her. Did she just say that? "And, she still had abortion as an option later."
"She's too much of a good christian to use condoms, and you're expecting her to have an abortion."
She bit her lower lip and poked her nose with the pencil a few times. "So, she doesn't use condoms, and you're an only child... That would mean.-"
"That would mean" I interrupted her "She's 42 and had sex once."
I smiled, unintentionally, but I did. I stared at the picture on the wall and realized this was probably the first time I had a conversation with a shrink and didn't hate every second of it. Or the first time I had a conversation about my mothers sex life with anyone. I've had many shrinks and none lasted long. And none helped.
They all simply made me realize what I already knew. I was a psycho. There was no point in pointing that out all the time.
"Stop imagining your mother having sex." she snapped me back to reality and I realized we were quiet for 10 minutes. I tried my best to not laugh at her comment.
She was holding some papers in her hand, reading. I looked around the room. I liked it better than the rest. They were all usually brown. Everything was just shades of brown. It was so depressing. If you weren't suicidal before, you definitely were when you came out of there. This room was bright, very bright, because half of one side of the wall was glass, and you could see the city. It was quite a beautiful sight. Most things were light blue, or silver. Almost felt like a secret sterilized hospital room where they hide dead alien bodies. The couch I was sitting on was dark blue. There were pictures on the wall, that looked really stupid to me, but I assumed they were just too deep and artistic for me to understand.
"Do you live in a house?"
"Nope, a tent, we made it by ourselves out of plants and animal skin. We also walk around barefoot."
She smiled and nodded, and went a few pages back. "House." she said. I nodded.
The next 20 minutes passed quickly enough, it was mostly her asking me questions about my family. I told her my mum works as a nurse, and that my dad isn't home most of the time, because he either works late or travels. And I'm glad it's that way. She asked me about school and grades, if we have a garden and what my favorite vegetables are, if I have any pets and if I like animals.
"Well young man. The time has come."
I looked at the clock. It was 5 in the afternoon and it was getting dark. I knew my mum was waiting for me outside and I wished she just let me take the bus. I stood up and took my jacket.
She wrote down which pills I would get and signed it. This was the only reason I really needed a shrink. To get the pills. "You don't even need half of these..." she mumbled to herself and shook her head. She handed me the note.
"Be a good boy and come back next week." she said to me right before I opened the door "I have to make a living somehow."
I smiled, knowing she can't see my face. "Can't wait." I mumbled and closed the door behind me.
[lyrics by Against All Authority]
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