Date: Wed, 03 Nov 2004 07:21:40 -0500
From: Daven P <davenp@hotmail.com>
Subject: strength-because-of-you-4

You all know the drill with the disclaimer thing so I shouldn't have to
repeat myself. Thanks everyone who emailed me with encouragement about my
story, I'm glad you like it. Here is part 4

Copyright: The author retains all copyrights of this material. Any
reproduction and distribution for money is strictly forbidden. The author
give permission to post his story elsewhere on the web as long as the
material stays intact and the author name appears on the material. If you
are not sure if what you want to do is breaking copyright or not, please
contact the author and ask for whatever it is. Thank you.



***NOTE*** TO ENSURE THAT THE NOTE ACTUALLY GET'S READ--HOPEFULLY--I'M
TYPING IT ALL IN UPPERCASE TO CATCH THE EYE. I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO GO
AND CHANGE THIS CHAPTER ALL AROUND. IT'S GOOD IN IT'S CURRENT FORM AND ALL
YOU GUYS EMAILING ME, WELL I DIDN'T WANT TO CHANGE IT FROM THE STORY YOU
LOVE. SO I ENDED UP FIXING JUST SOME ERRORS--MAINLY TERRIN'S LAPSE INTO
SPEAKING OF HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON =)




Strength Because Of You
By Daven

Chapter 4 - I am your shield


---Terrin's POV---


I laid Julian on the bed. Julian's story had me shaken. Half out of
anger, half out of sympathy.

Julian looked so peaceful laying there asleep, but I knew appearances could
be deceiving. At least the reason he fell asleep was less than peaceful. I
was surprised at the anger his story invoked in me. The thought of anyone
hurting Julian was like a knife in the gut to me.

I supposed he needed the sleep to get rid of the newly made stress, though
how he could sleep after just waking up a little while ago was beyond me.
Then I noticed the clock.

Damn! Julian had been talking non-stop for three hours. It seemed no more
than a half hour at the most. I walked out the room. I made a pit stop in
the bathroom to relieve myself. After that much needed leak, I headed
downstairs.

I went in the kitchen and rummaged around for something to eat. It never
occurred to me that it was wrong going through Julian's cupboards. It was
just something I always did at a friend's house, not even thinking about it.

I gave silent praise to Julian's mom when I found a box of Golden Grahams.
This was one of my favorite cereals. Almost always the first thing to go at
my house. My mom had to buy a couple boxes for me.

I fixed my cereal and wandered into the living room. I didn't know if it was
all right to eat in there--any other time I was here we ate in the dining
room--but I figured if there was any problems, Julian or his mom would tell
me about it.

There wasn't anything good on TV; not on anymore anyway. Julian's story took
longer than I thought. The morning listing of shows aired. I was engrossed
on a movie when I heard the creaking of the stairs; someone was coming down.
It was Julian's father. He was absently fiddling with the cuff on his shirt.
He nodded in my direction as way of greeting and disappeared into the
kitchen. I turned back to the TV.

Sometime later, I heard the creaking of the stairs again. I looked over and
saw Julian. He spared me a darting glance and walked into the kitchen. I
felt myself frown; he looked somewhat withdrawn.

I brought my bowl back into the kitchen. His father was sitting at a small
table reading the newspaper and talking to Julian. Julian was rummaging in
the cupboards.

Julian pulled out the box of Golden Graham. He looked from the open tab to
me and lifted his brow. He didn't say anything. It seemed to me I shouldn't
interrupt the silence. He fixed a bowl of cereal and sat down at the table
next to his dad. He stared at his bowl the whole time. He wouldn't even look
at me.

I left him in the kitchen and sought his room. No need for me to be in
there; I might as well have been in the way. I stopped in the laundry room
to get my washed clothes. They were folded neatly on a table in there. Then
I ran up the stairs to the bedroom.

I closed the door lightly so Julian couldn't hear. Don't know why; it would
be the first place he looked when he saw I wasn't downstairs. He was
disturbed about something; I don't know what. Usually I was good at reading
things, but with him, it wasn't all so easy. I didn't even figure him being
gay. It just never occurred to me. So wrapped up in my own thoughts I didn't
hear him come in. I hadn't even started getting dressed yet.

He looked at me silently for a moment. "You have to go now."

"I do? Why?"

"Dad doesn't really like people hanging around the house," he said flatly.

I didn't believe it, but it was his call. Something was bothering and he
obviously didn't want me around. Though from seeing his dad, I don't know if
his dad really didn't want me hanging out.

"Fine." The irritation showed in my voice and I saw his face register guilt.
Oh, well, he wanted me gone. I grabbed my jeans and roughly pulled them on
and buttoned them. After my shirt was on, I stalked over to my shoes and
grabbed them and walked out the room. He just watched me.

Downstairs, I sat on the couch and pulled on my shoes, and then I was
closing the front door behind me. He was pushing me away again, like the
first day we met. Though this time I hadn't done anything wrong; had I?

I walked down the street refusing to look back. I was stubborn like that
when I wanted to be. I decided against going home. There would be nothing
there really to do, so I headed towards the mall.

I didn't want to think about him, he having thrown me out and all, but I
couldn't help it. He had me worried. Was this something to do about earlier?
What did I do? It was almost as if he was pushing me away because he's gay
and thinks I care about that kind of thing. I turned to go back, to talk to
him, but a hand on my shoulder stopped me.

"Damn," I said, choking down a curse. "Don't do that."

Mike stood laughing at the fact he scared the crap out of me. "You should've
seen your face. It was priceless. I wish I had a camera." Mike was with his
girl friend, Sherril. She was one of those girls that only goes out with
popular guys. It's like it's a rule or something. It was forbidden to be
with a guy not on one of the major sports team.

"Where is the little guy?" The mirth hadn't completely left Mike, but I was
eternally grateful that he cut that annoying sound he called laughter, off.

"You mean, Julian? He's home." My mind drifted back to the whole reason I
was out and about right now.

"Shocking; I thought he'd be with you. He's always around any other time." I
grated my teeth. I wasn't in any mood right now to talk about Julian. I
thought I'd better get out of there before I did something I know I'd
regret, later on.

"Yea--well he isn't right now. Well see you later, I'm kind of in a hurry."

"Whatever man. Catch you later." He went to walk away, but turned back as if
he thought of something. "You going to my party next weekend, right?" Mike
asked. I forgot all about that. Mike had the party every year and invited
almost everybody. Whoever wasn't invited just showed up if they were so
inclined.

"Yea, of course. Don't I always." I smiled then. Memories of past parties
flew through my head. Mike grinned and we parted.

Well at least those friends of mine don't push me away. I can depend on them
to be there. I thought Julian was a good friend; however little time we've
known each other. But if he can't trust me to keep his secret, or whatever
it was about me that's bothering him, I guess he doesn't know me yet.

I stopped at the ice cream parlor Julian and I got our shakes at the other
day. I ordered a chocolate shake and took a seat by the window. A
waitress--that's how big the parlor was--brought me my shake. I took it and
took a long sip. I looked up and she was still standing there. I raised my
eyebrows questioningly.

"Where's the cute, short boy that was with you the other day?" She asked.
She had to be talking about Julian. He was the only boy, more less short
boy, that was here with me recently. The corner of my lip turned up.

"Home." I don't know why, but I felt I needed to explain more. "He seems to
be rejecting my friendship. I don't know why. He more or less kicked me out
today."

She gave me a sympathetic smile. "Aw, don't worry, honey, it will all work
out in the end, you'll see. Then you'll be back together in no time." I
choked on my shake. There was no mistaking what she meant by that. She
thought Julian and I were a couple.

"Wait. You think he and I are an item?" I asked incredulous.

"Well, sure. You both fit the image the other day. Why? Aren't you?" She
asked, frowning. She seemed to be confused, no more than I was, though.

"I'm not gay. He's just my friend." She gave me a disbelieving look. I can't
believe this was happening. "Really. He's new to my school. I was showing
him around."

"Whatever you say, honey." She smiled and walked away. My jaw must have been
hanging open. She said we fit the image. Well she must have picked up on
Julian, and just assumed I am gay too; that's all. Women were a lot better
at that intuition thing than men.

I hurriedly finished my shake and fled the parlor. That was too weird. I
wonder if anyone else thought that. I never thought people would think I was
gay because of me hanging with Julian. Granted, I know it's not true, but
something like that can really hurt your rep. Well I didn't even know if
other people thought like that. When was Marissa getting back? It's supposed
to be this weekend.

I decided to head back to Julian's to ask him what his problem was. When I
got there, his mom answered the door and she said he went out. She didn't
know where. Just took off on his roller blades.

I went home and took a shower. I changed too. Even though my clothes were
washed, I still wore them yesterday. I don't like wearing the same thing in
two days--not if I could help it. I wore blue jeans with a white
long-sleeved shirt. I did my hair, and checked myself out in the mirror.
After I brushed my teeth, I went to my room and fired up my computer. I had
email from too many people to be worried with now. I scanned them. There was
one from Marissa. I open it.

:: Hey babe, how's it going. I missed you some much over the summer. You
know how mom and dad are though. Vacation would have been perfect if not for
my missing you. I have souvenirs for everyone, and a special one for you.
Well we are heading to the airport in a half hour. I decided to email you
from my laptop. We are taking Air France International flight 171, to New
York and Delta Airlines flight 157 home. We will be there around 4:00pm. See
you then; can't wait. I hope I have your gorgeous face greeting me when we
get there.
Love always,
Marissa::

I closed the email and looked at the clock. It was two-thirty now. Not long
until she was back. I shutdown the computer and grabbed the phone. I called
Matt, John, Tommy, and asked them if they wanted to go to the mall. I didn't
worry if they would say no. They never do. Whenever one of us wanted to do
something; we all did. Only if our parents stopped us was the only time we
didn't stick to that rule.

I turned on the TV. Until they got there. Nothing good on. Well there were
plenty of good things on the movie channels, but all of them played so many
time I had to have watched everyone at least four times.

Twenty minutes later, I heard a horn. I looked out the window and saw Matt's
black Explorer. I turned everything off and went out to meet them. Tommy was
up front with Matt; I hopped in the back.

We all talked and joked on the way there. The radio was blasting; bass
making the seats vibrate. The windows rolled down were letting the breeze
outside shift around us.

At a light, a car of girl pulled up besides us. They smiled at us and were
watching us. We all showed off, eliciting more smiles and some light
giggles. Then we sped off before them when the light changed back.

We got to the mall with an air of fun about us. We saw a movie and then went
to the arcade. We made a game of flirting with girls and getting each other
in trouble with them. We had so much fun I didn't even notice the time
flying by.

By time we left the mall and I was dropped off, it was six and getting dark.
They hung out for a little while. And we decided to plan for tomorrow's fun.
It was a Sunday after all.

"Hey, guys; let me check the weather." They were all standing around and
when I flicked on the TV. And all faces turned their attention on it. I
flicked around until I found the news. It was going to be a pretty warm day
considering it getting well into fall. Then a flash report came in.

"Just come in live from New York. Air France International flight 171 coming
in from France to New York has crashed--" there was a sound of something
smashed. The remote to the TV laid open, batteries scattered about.
"--Rescue workers on the spot working report than no survivors have been
found. The plan crashed at 3:45pm in the Atlantic coast, just 15 minutes
from the time it was due to land in New York. The wings were found literally
ripped off the body of the plane. It is not yet known if this was from the
crash, or cause of the crash. More updates on this as they come in."

This wasn't possible. This had to be a dream. God--it couldn't be real.
There had to be a mistake in the flight number! That just couldn't be
Marissa's flight. I became aware of a low moan of anguish coming from my
throat. I felt sick.

Matt caught me before I fell. He guided me over to the couch and sat me
down. "What's wrong, Terrin? Speak to me!" Concern was written all over his
face.

"Marissa--" I choked. The hot salty sting of tears ran down my cheek.

All of their faces paled. "Shit." Was echoed by "I can't believe it" and
"Not, Rissa." They all sat down, too stunned to say anything.

"I gotta tell my mom," Matt said, getting up. Tommy and John got up too and
followed him out the door. Matt was their ride after all. I sat there alone.
It was a long while before I could move. I got up and stumbled out the door;
barely remembering to lock it behind me.

I didn't know where I was going. I just let my feet take me as they willed.
It was no surprise that I ended up at Julian's house. I rang the doorbell
and waited. Julian opened the door to me. His face registered shock at me
being there. Then it changed to concern and fear when he saw my face.

"Mom!" He called. His mom came walking in.

"What is it Jul--oh my god, Terrin! Are you all right?" They pulled me into
the house and sat me on the couch. Both were the soul of concern.

I tried to talk and tell them, but every time I attempted, I choked up on
tears and couldn't speak. I could tell both were getting in a higher state
of agitation and worry.

Finally, I found my voice enough to get a little details out. It wasn't that
much, but it was enough to get my point across.

"Marissa--plane--crashed." I choked up again. "No--survivors." Once that was
out, I really broke down. I've known Marissa all my life. In sixth grade, we
turned the friendship into a relationship. She was one of my best friends,
still. Somewhere during all that time, I pointed to the TV. Julian's mom had
it on scanning the news. Finally, an update came on and gave brief
background information to catch them up on what happened, and then went to
the update. Still no survivors. There was no foul play in the cause of the
crash. Just a defective plane. It went on to explain other things that were
lost on me. I wasn't in the mind to pay attention to a TV.

Julian stared at me, trying to read me. He knew what I was going through. He
lost Jeremy; though it was in a more tragic was for him. Marissa was just in
an accident. Jeremy was murdered. He looked torn between two things. As if
he wanted to do something, but something held him back. Julian's mom busied
herself with calling my mom at the workshop she was at and telling her
everything. Julian sat down next to me. Then hesitantly, as if not knowing
if he should or not, he put his arm around me for comfort. I held onto him
and cried my eyes out. That must have reassured him; he was holding me with
both arms and patting me. Wasn't it only this morning I was doing the same
thing to him? There was just too much unhappiness in this world.

He brought me upstairs to his room and put me to bed. All the crying did
tire me out, but I resisted his attempts. I didn't want to go asleep. I
wanted to mourn Marissa. I did lay back though. My tears had stopped but the
pain was still raw. It showed in my eyes. I just laid back in silence
staring up at the ceiling for what must have been forever.

Sometime later I was aware of my mother at my side. She sat down on the bed
and held me. Tears were in her eyes too. She just rocked me back and forth.
Marissa was like a daughter to her. Even more so when we hooked up. She
taught both of us in school, and tutored us out of it. Julian stood back
against the wall. Watching as if he didn't know if he was in the way or not.
Then he left us in the room.

Despite my fatigue, I didn't fall asleep. Mom left me on Julian's bed,
absently staring at nothing. It hurt. It really did. There was an empty
feeling inside me and inside that, a pain. Not physical, but might as well
be. My chest felt like it was constricting. Trying to fight it was no use.
You just had to wait it out.

I got up suddenly and went into the bathroom. I wash my face and stared in
the mirror; then went downstairs. Julian was carrying a plate of food into
the dining room. He looked startled at my sudden appearance.
I realized how hungry I was.

"You hungry?" He asked. "I can get you some food, if you are."

"That's ok, tough guy, I can get it." I gave him a reassuring grin. It was
forced, but I didn't need anyone fussing over me. I went into the kitchen.
My mother and Julian's were sitting at the table in the kitchen, talking and
drinking coffee. I realized as I watched them, this was the first time they
met. She looked up.

"Hi, honey. How are you feeling, right now?" She asked all motherly.

"Fine. Just hungry." I said, eyeing the food greedily.

"Oh, help yourself." Julian's mom chimed in. "That's what it's there for.
You boys are constantly growing. You can sure pack away a lot of food."

I got a big plate of baked chicken, corn on the cob, and mash potatoes. I
went into the dining room. Julian glanced up at me and smiled, already well
into his dinner. I sat down and dug in.

"You know," Julian started, "it does get better. You won't forget--never
that!--but it 'will' get better. After a while the pain will fade and life
will go on."

I grimaced. He was trying to forget it. At least for a little while. "I
don't want to forget. I can't go on. She was my friend! She was my girl
friend. The first and only girl I ever went out with." Terrin started crying
again. Julian set his fork down and got up. He comforted the distraught
Terrin.

"You only think that now, Terrin. It's all right to be angry. It's all right
to mourn." Julian murmured soothing words.

"You and Jeremy weren't as long as Marrisa and I. I knew her my whole life."
Julian stiffened.

"Is that what you think? You think just because I knew him for only half a
year, and was with him for a short time, that the pain is any less? Well it
isn't. Pain is pain however you look at it. It's just as painful to lose
someone you just found, as it is for someone you've known for a long time."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean it like that. It just hurts."

"I know," Julian replied. "I know how it feels. I'm here for you." I am your
shield for your pain. I'll help you through it.

"Thanks, Julian. But I just can't imagine getting through it." I stood
up. "I'm not hungry anymore." I left my plate and Julian started after
me. I went back upstairs to Julian's room.

'Well, here I am again. Right back in this ol' place.' I thought. I
laid on the bed. I was tired of thinking of the bad about Marissa's death.
I started remembering the all the fun we had with friends and each other.
Growing pains and milestones. I smiled to himself, tears slowly rolled down
my cheek. What would tomorrow bring?


---Well that's the end of that chapter. From here on out will be all new
chapters =) Aren't you all just excited. It will take a little more time
posting the rest of the chapters now as I got to type them, edit them and
then post. But at least you will get to read into new stuff. Yea, well I
gotta go and get busy.

Question, comments, concerns, criticism, flames. You know the deal. Send to
davenp@hotmail.com. CYA