Tales from another broken home.

Chapter 41: Too little too Late.

25 years of my life and still.
I'm still trying to get up that great big hill of hope, for a destination.
I realised quickly when I knew I should.
That this world was made up of a brotherhood of man.
Or whatever that means.
And I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed.
Just to get it all out, what's in my head.
Then I'm feeling, I'm feeling a little peculiar.
And so I wake up in the morning and I step outside.
And I take a deep breath and I get real high.
And I scream from the top of my lungs.

From "What's up?" By Four Non-Blondes.

The alarm clock buzzed through my head, the pain hit me followed quickly by the emptiness. I walked down the stairs to the kitchen and my Mam blanked me as I poured a bowl of cereal. She was really angry this time. I knew I had fucked up but I needed an escape, I still needed one. I walked to Carrie's and went straight upto her room.

"Hey you ready for the history test?"

Carrie turned and looked at me. There were small tears trickling down my face and my bottom lip was shaking.

"Aww Riley what's wrong?" Carrie smiled and hugged me.

"I've lost him. He's gone."

"Who's gone?"



"He found out about me and Aaron."

Carrie looked angry but she ignored my infidelity and comforted me. I could tell she found it hard to ignore that I had cheated on Ryan.

"You need to talk to him."

"He said to decide who I wanted to be with and then to talk to him."

"Well have you decided?"

"Yes. I finished things with Aaron. I even quit the band."

"So go tell him."

"I don't think he wants me anymore."

"He loves you just as much as you love him. He just feels betrayed."

"I love him so much Carrie. I won't be able to keep going without him."

"Aww babe." Carrie said a tear appearing in her eye.

Carrie's Mam dropped us into school. Ryan wasn't waiting in his usual spot. I sat through my first three classes and when it came time for break I scoured the schoolyard for him. Eventually I spotted him sitting with a bunch of skaters over on a green.

"Ryan can I have a word?"

Ryan walked over to me.

"Riley I'm not ready to talk to you. At least not for a while. I'll call you." With that he walked off.

My heart felt as if it had been ripped out of my chest. I knew why he was so angry and I didn't know how to make him forgive me. I walked straight out of school and back home. I used my key to get in the back door. The house was empty and I grabbed the contents of the liqueur cabinet and threw them in my backpack. I skated to the local park and hid behind the old shacks over by the tennis courts. I slowly slurped vodka and smoked cigarettes with a shaking hand. After two bottles of vodka I passed out. I had a trippy dream were Ryan was in a castle and I had to rescue him. I fought dragons and saved him and we kissed when I came too I realized what I had to do. As my eyes were adjusting I saw Carrie's dad standing above me.

"Hey there Riley." He sighed.

"Come on we'll get you home."

He picked me up in his arms and patted my back as he walked back to the car. He drove me home and Mike thanked him before picking me up again. I just sat there quiet and depressed. I had nothing to say. No excuses.

"We had the whole neighborhood searching for you. Do you know how worried I was?" My Mother screamed.

"Alex calm down. I'll talk to him." Mike said calmly.

Mike brought me into my room and sat me down with a cup of coffee.

"What's going on kiddo?"

"Ryan dumped me." I said my eyes fogging up.

"I'm sorry kiddo." Mike pulled me into a tight hug.

"I know it's hard to get dumped. But things will get better."

"I'm not giving up. I'll get him back."

"Ok kiddo."

Mike hugged me tightly and I cried on his shoulder. He rubbed my back and then tucked me in.

"You should probably get some sleep."

My dreams were filled with plans to win Ryan back. I was gonna talk to him the next day and convince him that we were still meant to be. I woke suddenly the next morning and rushed to school avoiding having another encounter with my Mam. I walked to school. I was too embarresed to face Carrie's parents yet. It took me twenty minutes to get there but when I got to the gates Ryan was sitting there.

"Ryan. Please talk to me." I gasped.


"I'm sorry. I love you. I love you more then I've ever loved anyone else. Aaron was just lust."

"You cheated on me man. I showed you everything and you chose someone else."

"I quit the band. I'm not gonna see Aaron anymore. I want to make us work again." I said desperate to make him see how I felt.

"Riley I....." Ryan turned and walked away.

I couldn't find Ryan at break and spent my lunch searching for him. I got a lift home with Carrie's mam who was concearned and asked how I was doing. When I got home I went straight upto my room. I was grounded untill further notice and my Mam wasn't talking to me. I played guitar and wrote songs of loss and biterness. I recorded them on my stereo and scrawled the depressing lyrics on my arms. I pressed so hard that the steel tip of the pen broke through my skin and my arm began to bleed. I felt a rush as the blood flowed. It was exciting it made me feel as if the worst was over. I grabbed my jacket and walked to Ryan's. I knocked on his door ready to show him what he was missing out on. Ryan answered the door and walked outside closing it when he saw me.

"I love you."

"Riley it's not working out."

"I love you."

"You cheated on me."

"I love you."

"I've found someone else. Someone who won't go elsewhere someone who is happy to be with me, just me."

The words hit me like a brick and I fell to my knees crying.

"Riley I still love you but I can't be with you. It would be cool if we could be friends but we need some time apart."

I grabbed onto his waist and pulled him down to my level.

"Please. Please don't leave me."

"Riley you know it's for the best."

"My life is nothing without you."

"I can't do this Ri. I just can't."

Ryan walked back into the house and shut the door behind him. I walked back home and snook in. I went upstairs and lay on the bed. I was so numb I could barely breath. I had lost him. It had happened. He had found someone else. Someone better. He was better off without me. I was trouble I was no good for anyone. I began to scrawl words onto my arm and when I felt the tip pierce me and the familiar rush of blood I lay back and relaxed. I couldn't deal with this. I didn't do rejection Ryan knew that how could he do this to me? Why didn't he want me anymore?

I didn't sleep that night I just lay there with angry tearless sighs escaping through my mouth. At eleven my Mam walked in and looked at me lying there with my arm bleeding and tears flowing down my face.

"Oh my god baby. Whats wrong?"

My Mam hugged me and held me in her arms.

"Riley what's going on. Baby don't do this."

I couldn't tell her what was wrong and I just collapsed onto the bed and stayed silent. My Mam cried by the bedside and called Mike. Mike patted my head and hugged me while my Mam called Jimmy. I was booked in for an emergency appointment the following day. With that news I was left alone and lay there feeling as empty and pathetic as ever.