Tales from another broken home.

Chapter 42: Damage Control.

Oh therapy can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused,
For the lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse.

From "Jesus of Suburbia" By Greenday.

When I woke up the next morning my Mam brought me coffee and cereal and lay in the bed with me. I stayed silent and it didn't take long before she started crying.

"Riley what's going on baby?"

I didn't reply cuz I didn't have an answer for her.

"You know me and Mike love you very much right?"

"Yes."

"I don't understand why your doing this to yourself. Why your destroying your life like this."

Again I was left with nothing to say. I just lay there with a blank expression on my face.

"I mean you've got the band and your art and you've got great friends."

"I quit the band."

"Why honey?"

"Just did. I didn't like it anymore."

My Mam was puzzled and just sat there and drank her coffee. Around eleven Mike drove me to Jimmy's office and I walked through the doors again into what was becoming the familiar environment of the waiting area. Jimmy was tied up and I had to wait half an hour paging through a classic rock magazine that was left on the table. When he came out he smiled at me and guided me into his office.

"Hey buddy. So I hear your not doing to good."

"No." I muttered the tears already forming in my eyes.

"Oh. What's going on kiddo?"

"Ryan dumped me. He's found someone else."

"I'm really sorry Riley."

"I loved him." I muttered as I broke down in tears.

"Aww Riley it's ok." Jimmy patted my back and put an arm around my shoulder.

"Did he give you any reasons."

"I was an idiot. I cheated on him."

"Oh so he found out and dumped you."

"I cheated on him with the drummer for the band and someone saw us and people were talking and he found out."

"Right. Why did you cheat on him?"

"Well at first we kinda all hooked up."

"What do you mean?"

"Me, Ryan, and Aaron all got together."

"Ok. Do you think that was a good decision?"

"Everything was ok untill Aaron kept on flirting with me. He was just so hot I couldn't say no."

"If you really loved Ryan do you not think you should of been able to say no?"

"Yeah. I'm an idiot. I don't deserve someone as good as Ryan."

"I wouldn't say that kiddo. Your a great kid you just made a mistake. Have you talked to him about how you feel?"

"He said to talk to him when I had chosen between him and Aaron. So I quit the band and told Aaron I couldn't see him anymore and then Ryan said he couldn't talk to me. Then I went to his house and he said he'd found someone else."

"Right. So is that when you cut yourself?"

"I didn't mean to cut myself. I was writing on my arm and the pen stuck me."

"Did it feel good?"

"Kinda. It made me calm for a little while."

"And you've been drinking and smoking again?"

"Yeah. I hadn't done it for ages before a few days ago but when Ryan confronted me I felt so shitty I needed a joint."

"Your building coping mechanisms that are very unhealthy Riley you know that?"

"Huh?"

"Everytime you feel bad you get high or drunk."

"I guess so."

"How are you gonna cope in life if thats how you deal with your problems?"

"I don't know."

"Ok I'd like you to write out things that make you feel good and try and use them to make you feel better when your feeling low. They can't be intoxicants though."

"Right."

"I think we should meet again soon."

"Me too."

"I'm kinda reluctant to do this but I think some antidepressants would do you some good for a little while. I've talked to your parents and they've agreed to a trial period of a week."

"Ok." I was willing to try anything to feel normal.

"Right you have my number if you need me kiddo."

"Yep."

"And Riley."

"Yeah."

"Things will get better."

I walked out of his office and into Mike's car. When I got home I took the first tablet and wait for the effects. After five minutes I felt no pain anymore. I didn't feel good I didn't feel bad. I just felt emotionless. I felt slower and very tired and ended up falling asleep pretty soon after. The next morning I took another pill and headed off to school. When I arrived at Carrie's she smiled at me.

"I was talking to Ryan. He told me about what happened."

"Yeah I was pretty messed up."

"He still loves you Riley. He just can't be with you at the moment."

"I love him so much Carrie. I miss him."

I felt strange. Normally when I said those words I felt a twinge in my stomach today the words felt empty and meaningless.

"Are you ok Riley?" Carrie asked looking at my confused expression.

"I'm on antidepressants. They take some getting used to."

"Whats do they do?"

"I don't know I just don't feel sad anymore. But I don't feel happy I kinda don't feel anything just tired."

"That doesn't sound good."

"Well it's better then the way I was."

When we reached the school I saw Ryan and he waved at me and smiled. I waved back and walked off to class. I sat through nine classes and managed to concentrate much more in English and history but in art I just couldn't think of anything to draw and having Aaron staring at me with a sad look on his face didn't help. I felt empty. I had no ideas, nothing. My creativity had disappeared. That night when I got home I took another pill and fell asleep pretty quickly afterwards. The next morning when I woke up the bottle wasn't were it was the night before.

"Mam my pills are missing."

"They're not missing. Carrie's mam rang me last night. Carrie was talking to her about you and I'm not having my son become some sort of zombie."

"Mam I need them."

"No Riley you don't."

I went off to school with the old feelings of pain and sadness flowing through my body once again.