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The Arrangement Part 5
Hi, it's Dane here. I guess it's my turn to give my side of these fucked up events that had been happening since I first caught that little pervert sniffing my shorts at the beginning of term. Having said that, I really can't be arsed to go back on the story and have the whole thing re-enacted from my point of view. I don't see much point in that and I doubt that you'd get much from it either. So I think it's best if I start off where Sammy left off and go into happened after I left his uncle's house:
After I left Sammy's I didn't dwell upon what had just happened, or rather what I had let happen, until much later. I didn't have time to. I had to get to Michelle, she had called to tell me that she had just had a car accident and was distraught. I ran down the road as fast as I could and was very lucky to catch a bus almost straight away to where she was a couple of miles down the road.
When I got there the police were already on the scene and were talking to her, meanwhile the vehicle recovery people were in the process of puling two seriously mangled cars apart. I went up to Michelle and she pulled me into a hug while crying her eyes out. Eventually she calmed down and I introduced myself to the cop who had been talking to her. I asked him if he knew what had happened and he replied that the other driver was drunk behind the wheel and crossed his lane and smashed into Michelle's car. He'd already been breathalysed and was on the way to the station where a second test would determine if he were to be charged with drunk driving.
Meanwhile the cop was waiting with Michelle for the ambulance to take her to hospital with a suspected concussion. He went on to say that they were having a busy night because of Christmas and that even though drink driving was down year on year, there were still the idiots on the road that thought that the laws didn't apply to them.
Michelle hadn't been driving for long; she had spent most of her seventeenth year taking lessons and had passed first time only two months earlier. Her father had bought her a brand new Ford Fiesta, and now she was worried how furious he would be. I on the other hand hadn't even bothered with lessons yet. I didn't have the time what with being behind with school work and with all the sports I played in my spare time I didn't have a part time job to pay for lessons. And unlike Michelle, my family weren't well off enough for me to go running to daddy for him to pay for my lessons, let alone a new car.
The ambulance arrived and we were whisked off to A&E and we spent the next few hours in the hospital going from pillar to post until they decided that it would be best to admit Michelle overnight for observation. By this point her parents, who were unobtainable before because they had been at a party, arrived and as much as I wanted to stay with her I made for the exit. Her parents hated the sight of me; I wasn't good enough for their precious daughter.
I got home several hours after I was supposed to and was treated to a bollocking from my father telling me that me mam was distraught that I wasn't packed and ready for Dublin the following day. I tried to tell him about Michelle's accident and that I had decided not to go because I wanted to be here for her.
That didn't go down well to say the least and I was ordered off to my room that I shared with my brothers to pack and to get some sleep before our early start the next day. I knew better than to argue, so did as I was told.
We arrived in Dublin on the morning of Christmas Eve, it was a damp misty day, but as always, I got a sense of feeling that I had arrived home. I had never lived in Ireland, but I had spent most of my school holidays there with family, and my own parents would often hark on about home so much that it was drilled into me that this was my true land of birth.
I was looking forward to seeing my grandparents, aunts and uncles and dozens of first and second cousins and by the time my father had sorted out the hire car any thoughts in my head that I should have been allowed to stay to be with Michelle vanished.
Once in Dublin city centre my parents, brothers, sisters and I went our separate ways for the afternoon, some for last minute Christmas shopping down O'Connell Street, and the rest to settle in at the various homes where we were staying. That's another good thing about going to Dublin, there's never any need to book a hotel as there's always family happy to put us up. I would be staying with Uncle Edward and Aunt Sarah and their family, which I was really looking forward to as it meant that I'd be staying with my two favourite cousins Feidhlim and Aibhilín. That's pronounced `FEL im' and `AHV i leen' or Felix and Evelyn to you.
I was dropped off by my parents in their hired people carrier and told to make sure I was at the gathering in plenty of time and they drove away. It might seem odd that my parents didn't stop off to enjoy the hospitality that I am sure that they would have got, but in truth there was a bit of a rift between our two families. This was odd because in my opinion we should have been closest out of all. Mainly because Uncle Edward is my father's youngest brother and Aunt Sarah is the youngest of my mother's sisters. But my aunt and uncle are what you could say pretty unconventional, they married young then went off travelling the world together, then they spent some time before their kids were born living in a commune.
My parents were always critical of them and their ways. This is also odd considering that my parents would never have met if it weren't for them. But to me, I loved my aunt and uncle.
When I was younger, usually when I was in trouble, I would often wish that they were my real parents, as they always tried to see everyone's point of view and rationalise any discipline that needed to be dished out to their children in a way that wasn't the end of the world.
My own parents are very much from the old school of discipline. Anything that my brothers and I did wrong earned whatever beating that my father felt appropriate. From a clip round the ear to a full on paddling on the backside, my father was not one to take his parental role lightly. That said, my little sisters never got a beating. If they needed any kind of chastisement my father would hand it over to my mother, who would usually appoint chores around the house for them. My father would never harm a hair on his little angels' heads.
I waved goodbye to my family as they drove off and looked up and down the street that contained the house that I saw as my second home. To the outsider there was nothing special or remarkable about this street. In fact the whole area was very much the same, road after road of red brick terraced three up and two down houses, with a yard out the back.
But to me it was a fantastic place to be, I had some great memories of spending my school holidays here since for as long as I could remember. At the start of summer my parents would pack my brothers, sisters and I off to various relatives, who were always happy to have us stay. My siblings all had their favourite cousins, aunts and uncles and I had mine, and they were right here.
I knocked at the door of their terraced house and was immediately greeted by Eve, who flung her arms round me. Aibhilín had grown a lot since I last saw her. She was now fifteen and was looking more like a young woman than the little girl who I used to tease and make fun of. She was tall and had long flame red hair that grew down to her waist; the puppy fat that had been there for the past couple of years had now gone and was replaced by fine figure that I was sure would capture many a boy's attention. She would break a lot of hearts in the future that was for sure.
Eve pulled me into the house and shouted out to her folks
"Mam, Dad, the spare son has arrived."
That's what they called me, kind of sweet don't you think?
I went through to the parlour where my aunt and uncle got up and warmly greeted me.
Aunt Sarah stood back to take me in and said "Ah Dane, I swear you get more handsome by the day. When y'll stop growing?"
After the hugs and greetings from them I sat down at the family table and tea was brought out and we did some catching up. It was about then that I noticed there was an empty place at the table.
"Where's Fel?" I asked.
"We'll be picking him up from the airport in a couple of hours." My uncle replied. "If your flights had been closer together we'd have picked you up at the same time, but I didn't want you hanging about the terminal for ages, so ye Da said he'd drop you off here. I hope you don't mind a trip back to the airport?"
Of course I didn't. I was more looking forward to seeing Feidhlim to worry about going back to where I'd just come from.
I had known that Fel was away travelling for the past year as I had received the occasional e-mail or Facebook message from him telling me about his journey, the places he saw, people he'd met and girls that he had screwed. But the last I had heard from him was that he was heading home and that was a month ago, I just figured that he'd have been back before now. I said as much to the family.
"Ah, but we think he's met someone along the way and that's why he's delayed." Eve winked at me.
Fel was probably my closest relative. Closer than my own brothers and he was probably my best friend in the world. That's not to say that I didn't like my own brothers and sisters, or that I didn't have good friends at home, more like Fel and I just got each other. He was just a few months older than me and we had so much in common. We were into the same sports, we were also good at the same sports, namely football and athletics. We liked the same films, we liked the same type of girls. We had very similar personalities and temperaments, we found the same things funny, and what would make one of us angry would be sure to anger the other.
We even looked very much alike, same eyes, same colour hair, same body build. We looked more like brothers than just cousins. Line me and my brothers up and you'd see a family resemblance. However, they were dark haired, while I am blond. They both were stocky built, where I was taller and lean, with muscles in all the right places. Put Fel into the line up and most people would think that they were seeing two sets of brothers rather than three brothers and a cousin.
I carried on chatting with my extended family, catching up on all that had happened over the last year and I filled them in to what I was up to. My aunt and uncle seemed very proud of my accomplishments on the sports field and when I told them that my school work was improving enough to get the A'levels that I needed to go to university they were over the moon. Especially as Fel hadn't shown any desire to go into higher education. He couldn't wait to leave school and was well and truly bitten by the travel bug.
I couldn't blame him though, he'd grown up with his parent's tales of the wonderful things that they'd seen throughout the world and wanted to experience them for himself. I was more than tempted to join him when school had finished. I waited for my GCSE's with mixed feelings, as I had promised myself that if I didn't get the results that I needed to go into the sixth form I would travel with Fel. As it happened I just about scraped the passes and then set my heart on doing what my brothers hadn't done and get the results that I needed to go off to university. I told myself that travel could wait, this was more important. I guess Fel, who didn't have any older brothers to compete against, didn't feel the same need to go to university as I did.
I said as much to my aunt and uncle and I think that they got what I meant. I knew that they would have rather have had Fel going to university too, but they also knew that they raised him to be independent and think for himself. Much to my parents dismay, some of that up bringing rubbed off on me, and I was pretty sure that although they said that they didn't mind that I wanted to try to go to university, they would have preferred me to join my brothers in my father's building firm.
I once told this to Sammy and he replied that it was amazing what aspirations different parents had for their children. He couldn't understand how any parent wouldn't want their child to go to university and I suspect that Aunt Sarah and Uncle Edward would probably agree.
The catching up was done and it was time for us to leave for the airport. When we got there we saw on the arrivals board that Fel's plane from Thailand had already landed and the passengers were in baggage reclaim. We waited by the barriers for my cousin to walk through the sliding doors to make our family complete.
I was the first to spot him walking through with a backpack over his shoulders, looking a bit tried but very brown. Walking next to him was another backpacker looking equally tired. I called out to Fel and he looked over in the direction of my voice and immediately his face lit up and he made his way over to us, his friend in tow.
We all took turns in greeting him and giving him a big hug, then my uncle asked Fel who his friend was?
Fel introduced Niall to us, who shook each of our hands. Then Fel dropped his bombshell.
"Mam, Dad, Eve. Niall's me fella."
You could have knocked me back with a feather when Fel announced that this guy was his boyfriend. After a few moments of silence, where I guess everyone was taking in what he had just said, my aunt stepped back up to Niall and greeted him even more enthusiastically, then uncle Edward asked him if he'd like to join us for the family gathering that evening?
"No sir, but thanks for the invite. Me folks don't know that I'm home so I'm off to surprise them."
"Okay, but you're to come by soon so we can get to know you better."
"Yes sir. I'd like that. Just as long as I survive telling me folks about Fel and me. They're not as open as Fel said that you guys are."
"Ah, I'm sure once they meet our Feidhlim they'll be fine." Aunt Sarah replied gushing at Fel while trying to neaten up his hair at the same time.
"Mum, would you leave me hair alone." He complained.
"Ah you need yourself a haircut to be sure. It's gotten far too long."
"Mum." He whined, looking slightly embarrassed at being mothered in front of his friend.
I meanwhile hung back, partly not wanting to intrude on what was really a private family discussion and partly still trying to take in what had just happened. I couldn't believe that my cousin Fel, the one guy I knew better than anyone else in the world had just announced that he was gay. The last I'd heard from him was in an e-mail where he was telling me about shagging a couple of girls at once after a beach party that he went to. When I was reading it I was thinking that he was the man. I was even a bit jealous of him travelling the world, meeting and screwing different girls all over the place.
Then I thought about his parents and their enthusiastic welcome for this lad that they had just met. I doubt that somehow my parents or the rest of the family would have the same reaction.
And then the thought that sent ice shivers down my spine. Fel and I were so alike in many ways, was this just another one? No, I'm not saying that I'm gay. But I can't get away from the fact that the previous night I had let a guy blow me.
Alright, so a mouth's a mouth. If I'm going to be completely honest with myself I'd have to say that it wasn't all that bad. That is to say that I didn't hate it. Then there's all the other stuff, letting Sammy feel me up, wearing some dodgy bits of underwear for him to perv over. Knowing that he was getting off just thinking about me should really bother me, but in truth it didn't. Not really.
I know it sounds a bit weird but I was seeing Sammy as more of a friend these days. That our friendship started off in a slightly bizarre way didn't really matter anymore. He's a good guy, smart, intelligent and funny. A bit of a loner, but I think that's his defence mechanism. If he let people get to know him they'd see a really genuine guy, who's as tough as anyone else I know. Maybe not physically, but certainly mentally. If the playground law of the jungle revolved around cutting remarks he'd be king of the hill I swear.
I liked him, I enjoyed his company and he was helping me out with my school work that I'd surely be failing if it weren't for him. The price I paid for that didn't even seem like a price for me anymore. So what if I let him feel me up or perv over me? We had a line that he knew not to cross with me.
However, that line got blurred sometimes and again, if I'm being completely honest I know that I could have stopped him at any time. I could have walked out and never had anything further to do with him. But I didn't. Why?
Was this revelation about Fel also a revelation about myself? No way!
As I watched Niall interact with the family I also noticed something that disturbed me further, there were quite a few similarities between him and Sam. Physically he was as skinny as Sammy, although probably a couple of inches taller. As he spoke to the family, you could tell that Niall was also very intelligent; he probably reads a lot of books for fun just like Sammy does.
This was one revelation too much for me, if only because for a brief moment it got me thinking if Fel was attracted to this guy, and I knew that we had the same tastes in girls, was I attracted to Sam?
This was fucked up. Just because Fel and I were so similar in so many ways, it didn't have to mean that we were exactly the same. I'm straight and the things that I let Sammy do were because of our fucked up arrangements. I resolved to myself that I would put an end to it, even if it would mean that I would struggle again with my school work. This was getting too fucked up for me to deal with.
Still lost in my thoughts we parted ways with Niall, who was happy to take the bus home as we didn't have room in the car. My silence on the journey home hadn't gone unnoticed as after we arrived Aunt Sarah instructed Fel and me to unpack our stuff in his room and then rejoin the family for a pre gathering drink.
As soon as we got into his room Fel turned round to me and looked me in the eye and said.
"Okay Dane, out with it. Is it bugging you about Niall and me?"
I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say, so he continued.
"You're like me brother man, if you're not happy then we need to talk about it. Don't ya think?"
I sat down on his bed and looked up at him. Almost like looking in the mirror we were so similar, except that he now had a very deep tan and I was looking very pale in comparison.
"So you're gay then?" I stupidly started off with.
He rolled his eyes but then smiled and replied "No, I'm bi. I like girls too." Then he added "In fact I like girls more."
"So how long have you been into blokes then?"
"I don't know, I guess since school. I messed around with a couple of mates, but never anything serious, and a lot of denial afterwards. Niall's the first guy I've ever been with properly, you know, like boyfriends."
"So how did you know?"
"Know that I was attracted to him?"
"I suppose it was after getting plastered and we ended up shifting."
To those who don't know Irish-English, `Getting plastered' means getting drunk and `Shifting' is just slang for making out or snogging. It doesn't mean anything more than that.
He stopped for a moment looking for a reaction from me, when I didn't give him one he went on to say
"You sure you want me to go on with the details?"
"Yeah." Then I added. "But only if you want to."
"Okay, but know this, I'm only going into it with you because it's you. To anyone else, it's none of their business. But you're my cousin, you're like my brother, you're my best friend. I want you to be happy for me, so I'll go on. If after I've finished you can't look me in the eye and at least tell me that you're not bothered about what you've heard then I guess we'll have to work out a way that we can go forward with our friendship. Agreed?"
"Okay." I replied.
"Right, the gory details. When I set off travelling, as you know I went by myself, I soon fell in with a crowd of fellow travellers. Niall was one of the guys in the group, even though he's from Dublin we'd never met, although it turns out that we had been at a few of the same places at the same time.
"He pretty much told me from day one that he was gay, but I wasn't bothered about that. He was a good bloke and we got on well enough. We spent more and more time together, sometimes splitting off from the group to do our own thing.
"So one night we were in a hostel getting polluted on the local juice when we decided to take a walk along the beach together. We sat down looking at the moon lit sky and the next thing I knew we were shifting. At the time I was too shitfaced to care what we were up to.
"The next day Niall was nowhere to be found. Fair play to the guy, he thought that that I was going to be pissed off with what happened. But I wasn't and when he finally plucked up courage enough to talk to me I told him that I wouldn't be unhappy if we were to go at it again. We've been stepping out with each other ever since. It hasn't bothered me that I've fallen for a guy instead of a girl. It just feels right, you know?"
I nodded, not really knowing what to say.
"So, the big question. Does it bother you that your cousin is a queer?"
"No." I replied honestly, then added. "But it'd bother me if I ever heard someone calling you that."
He laughed and stuck his hand out for me to shake. I got up from his bed and pulled him into a hug and told him that I loved him. He pulled away and eyed me suspiciously then said.
"Is this really me rough and tough cousin? In all the years you've never said that you loved me."
I shrugged "It doesn't need saying most of the time does it?"
"True. And I'm going to say it back. I love you dude."
He went to hug me again but I pulled away and joked "Don't be going all gay on me now."
That earned me a punch on the arm, so I replied in kind. The next thing I knew was that we were scrapping on his bedroom floor, trading punches, and wrestling with each other, both trying to make the other submit.
He had me in a hold that I couldn't break out of and I yelled "Get your gay arse off of me."
He laughed and pulled me back to cause even more pain. I summoned up all my strength and managed to buck him off of me and pulled him round into a hold. I told him to submit before he really got hurt. His reply was to swing his arm round me and clock me one in the eye.
I fought through the pain and smashed him down onto the side of his bedside table. At that point I must have caught his nose because as I pulled him up, his face was covered in blood. That made me release him and I scrambled away to the other side of the room so that he couldn't take advantage of my act of kindness.
We both tentatively stood up while keeping an eye on the other. Fel rubbed his nose and saw the blood on his hand and started to laugh.
"I'll call a truce only because I'm jet lagged. No come backs, no repayment. Agreed?"
"Agreed." I replied.
I looked at my eye in his mirror and saw that there would be a right shiner there soon.
"You feckin' bastard." I said over to him, but he just laughed.
Our scraps were legendary, bruises, black eyes and blooded noses were often the norm with us throughout our childhood. It was good to see that nothing had really changed.
"So we're alright then?" He asked again.
"Of course we are. But I won't lie to you, I am a bit freaked out about it. But you're still you and I still love ya."
"That's two mentions of love in as many minutes. Maybe you have something to tell me as well?"
I knew he was winding me up, but the force of my reply "NO" suddenly sounded like a protest too much.
He looked at me quizzically for a few seconds, then aunt Sarah called up that we were to get down now as it was time to go.
"Saved by the bell Dane." He grinned at me.
I laughed and we run downstairs both of us trying to push passed in a race to get there first. If nothing more our competitiveness with each other was still there and it told me that nothing had really changed.
The family gathering was a huge event. A hall had been hired to accommodate us all. Christmas Eve was for the meal and then off to church for midnight mass, then Christmas day we would all be back to the hall for another meal and to party through the night.
While there was plenty to drink that night no one over indulged, as going off to church half cut would have been frowned upon. The real drinking was to be done the following day.
It was great seeing all my family again, most of whom I hadn't seen or heard from since the last time I stayed in Dublin. My grandparents on my dad's side were the hosts and by the looks of them they were in their element seeing all their sons and daughters in-law, grand children and even great grand children in the same place.
I went over to them to say hi and my grandfather looked accusingly at me and said
"You don't look very tanned for someone who's been round the world."
"Yeh fecking eejit man." My Nan snapped at her husband. "You can't even tell your own grandsons apart. This is Dane, Feidhlim's the one who went off travelling."
"I know that you stupid woman, it was just pulling the lads leg." He replied giving me a wink.
My Nan and I swapped a look between us that said that we both knew that my grandfather really had got me and Fel mixed up, but I for one wasn't going to say it out loud.
I asked them both how they were and they replied that they couldn't complain. This I knew to be a lie, as my grandparents were of the age where they complain about everything, and often did so. But not tonight, not when they had their whole family around them.
After speaking with then for several minutes I was dragged off by one of my cousins who wanted me to dance with her. Then after that I looked around for Fel and saw that he had several of our cousins had crowded around, wanting to know all about his great travels. I went up to listen as replayed stories of fun and frolics across two continents. But I noticed that he left out entirely the part about him dating a guy. I think I would have done the same if I were in his shoes. I mean you don't know how some people would react to that sort of thing.
After the meal and a few drinks our party were slowly making their way off to church. Fel who had been awake for the best part of 24 hours by now was looking beat and asked his parents if he could skip church to go home to get some sleep. At the same time I asked my parents if I could duck out as well, so as to make sure that Fel got back alright. They weren't happy, but consented none the less.
Luckily Fel's house wasn't too far from the hall so after a fifteen minute walk we were back at his. I'd sneaked out a few bottles of beer from the hall and we were sitting on his bed chatting and drinking.
I got him to tell me more about Niall and their relationship and now he knew that I was fine with his new found sexuality, he was quite happy to tell me more about it. It was clear from what he was saying that he was very much in love with Niall.
"So would you say that you fancied him as soon as you met him, or was it something that, like you said earlier this evening, just happened?" I asked.
"I guess when we met I liked him straight away. But as a person, not someone to fall in love with. I hadn't been with a guy since leaving school, I suppose I thought it was a phase I was going through at the time. Yeah, I'd maybe check the odd guy out from time to time, but nothing more than that. Since I've been away I've probably been with twenty girls, mostly one night stands or short term flings, nothing serious. I'd known Niall for a couple of months before anything happened with us.
"When we first met I remember checking him out a few times, we shared hostel rooms quite often, so seeing the guys that I was travelling with in various states of undress was a day to day thing. Niall says that he fell for me from the moment that we met, which is quite sweet I suppose. But he told me that he never put the moves on me because I was apparently sending out mixed signals."
"How do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, he said that he'd spotted me checking him and a couple of the other lads out a few times, but having a bit of a reputation as a ladies' man he didn't think that I'd be too happy with him if he came on to me. Thinking back, he was probably right. I'd put all that gay stuff behind me when I left school, it was all about the girls for me."
"I still can't believe that you never told me about that stuff before."
"Oh yeah, that would have made for a great conversation. Hey Dane, how's it going? By the way, me and a couple of mates have been playing around with each other's dicks. But don't worry, I'm sure it's just a phase I'm going through, it'll be alright once I get me-self a girlfriend."
We laughed and I said I saw his point, but added that I was just a bit thrown earlier, not because of him being bisexual, but because I thought I knew everything about him.
"The only reason I never said anything to you was because it wasn't something I was proud about. After every session with me mates I would swear to myself that it would never happen again. It was never something I wanted anyone to find out about."
"So why did that change with Niall?"
"Easy, I fell in love with him. When we first met we clicked as friends, and I found that the more time we spent together the more I wanted to know this guy. He's funny, intelligent and confident of himself. At first it was just about finding a new mate for me, but over time I started to think about him sexually. He was out as gay from the moment I met him and the rest of the group, and nobody gave a fuck about that, so neither did I. He never came on to me because like I said, he reckoned that I was sending out mixed signals and didn't want to jeopardise our friendship. But by the time he kissed me on our drunken night, I was probably ready and I knew that I didn't want it to be a one off thing. I wanted more than that. In fact, by that time I knew I was in love with him."
I was taking in everything that Fel was saying and found myself being really happy for him. I was glad that he'd found someone who he was in love with and I told him so.
After a few moments of silence he asked me about my love life, so I told him about Michelle and how I was really into her. But I don't know if I didn't sound enthusiastic enough or if he could read me mind because his next question was
"But you're seeing someone on the side right?"
That shook me and I instantly denied it. Well I wasn't seeing anyone behind her back, was I?"
"C'mon Dane, it's me. I know you better than you know yourself. You're seeing someone else right?
"No, I'm not." I replied again, but added before I could stop myself. "I'm in a bit of a fucked up situation at the moment and to be honest, it's doing my head in a bit."
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked with a true note of sincerity to his voice.
I thought about it for a few moments then the whole story came out from my mouth. I told him about catching Sammy with my shorts in the P.E locker room and how I intended to blackmail him in to doing my homework for me. How that fell on its head and resulted in the first among many arrangements.
I told Fel about Sam's fetish for underwear and how he tutors me when I'm just sitting in a pair of pants. How I've let him get away with feeling me up, massaging me and finally I told Fel about the blow job that I let Sam give me the night before.
"Fucking hell, you dog!" Fel beamed and play punched me on the shoulder. "Looks like we've got another thing in common."
"Have we fuck!" I replied slightly aggravated by what he had just said.
"Dane, I was only joking. But you need to lighten up about this."
"Sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you, but this is the first time I've said anything about any of this to anyone."
"Hey, it's alright. Don't stress. Besides, just because you let some guy feel you up and blow you doesn't make you a full on bender."
We both laughed.
Then Fel went on to say "I'm not surprised that you've not got a problem with being around this guy in just your underwear though. You've always had a bit of an exhibitionist streak in you."
"Fuck off I have." I replied with a laugh.
"Ah c'mon now, you remember when we were kids, caravanning with the family? It was all your parents could do to keep you from running about naked."
"That was a very long time ago." I replied with another laugh at the dredged up memory.
"And..." Fel laughed again. "and if you look at half the pictures that people have posted of you on Facebook, there of your arse hanging out your strides. Fucking king of the full moon, that's what you are."
I got up from the bed we were sitting on and crossed the room to pick up a couple more bottles of beer. As I did I pulled my tracksuit bottoms and shorts down and mooned at Fel.
"Put it away, no one wants to see that!" he exclaimed.
I chucked him a bottle and the opener, pulled my pants back up and then went back to sit on the bed, saying "that's not true, I got voted rear of the year in my school last year."
Fel opened his bottle, passed me the opener and we clinked our bottles together in a toast and chugged a few mouthfuls down.
"To the rear of the year." Fel toasted and then rolled around in laughter.
After a few more minutes of laughter from both of us Fel spoke with a serious note to his voice.
"So how do you feel about this friend? Erm, Sam was it?"
"What do you mean?" I replied, not sure that I really wanted this line of questioning.
"I mean, how do you feel about this guy who's obviously got a crush on you, acting out his fantasies with you?"
I thought about it for a moment, the easiest thing for me to say was that it was an arrangement and that I wasn't bothered because I was also getting what I needed from him, namely help with my school work. But I knew that wasn't what Fel meant. He wanted to know if there was something more. Was I ready to look that far into myself for the answer to a question that I had well and truly kept to the deepest part of my mind?
Was I flattered that someone was into me? No, I can't say that I was. Not being too full of myself, but I know that I'm a good looking guy and that if I wasn't with Michelle I could have my pick of the girls in school, quite a few of them throw themselves at me even knowing that I'm seeing someone. So the knowledge that someone else was into me, all be it a guy, didn't really mean anything to me.
When this all started, when I caught Sam with my shorts, I was disgusted. When we started off our arrangement I was a bit creeped out that this guy was blatantly perving over me. But I went with it because I needed his help, and when I started seeing my school work improve I knew the price was worth paying.
So much so that I didn't react as my instinct told me to when he would try and push me by copping a feel of my dick when I tried on whatever underwear he wanted to see me in. I knew that I could stop him from doing it, but I didn't. Why? I told myself that it was just a way of showing my appreciation for all the stuff he was helping me with. If anything, I actually found myself wanting to please him. I let him do things that I would never even consider doing with anyone but a girl.
Right up to the point where I let him give me a blow job the previous night. I knew I'd really pushed my luck when I invited Michelle round to Sam's uncle's place without asking him. I knew that there would be a price to pay, but the need to see her before I went away was greater than any worry I may have had about how Sam would react or what he'd want me to do in return.
We'd had an argument because he was acting like a child when Michelle left and that was the closest I came to walking out on him. But I didn't. It wasn't just about my fear of losing our arrangement for his help with my school work, it was also that over the last few months I had really got to like him as a friend.
And now the real honesty bit. I had realised in saying all this to Fel that I kind of liked Sam pushing me further than I was willing to go with him. I liked him feeling me up.
After sex with Michelle I was feeling horny. In truth, when we get together we can go on and on all night. I made her leave after our shag because I knew that going on would have made Sammy more angry and I was hoping that I could get him to let me use his uncle's place more often to see Michelle.
I let him cop a good feel, I let him nuzzle up to my crotch when I was watching the football and when I was trying on those thongs and stuff for him I let him wank me off while wearing them and I liked it. I guess when I'm horny I'm a hypocrite, because I let him do things that I had previously told him that were over the line.
Then as I was about to leave because Michelle was in trouble he offered me the ultimate arrangement. I get to use his uncle's place in return for a blow job from him. For a moment I was phased, this was well over the line. But after some thought I knew it was too good to pass on. It's not like he wanted me to blow him, something that would have definitely sent me running for the door, so still feeling horny, and thinking about the new possibilities of using his uncle's place for seeing Michelle, I let him go for it.
I liked it. There, I said it. Sammy gives good head. I was not bothered that I had let a guy suck on my dick. If I compare it to getting a blow job off of Michelle, or any other girl that I have been with I would say that it was no different. The techniques may be different, but the end result was the same.
With the exception of Michelle, the blow job I got from Sam was without doubt the best blow job I have ever had. Maybe it's because he had such a strong desire to please me. Even though he knows that he's never going to get it in return, he still tries.
"So does that make me gay?" I asked Fel when I'd finished working through what was in my head with him.
"No, but it makes you a bit of a dickhead." Fel replied laughing.
That earned him a punch on the shoulder "You're the fucking dickhead" I replied. "I thought if I told you all this stuff, you'd know what the fuck I should do."
"Truly Dane, I don't have all the answers. Only you know what is going on in that thick skull of yours. But if you want my opinion for what it's worth, I'd say that you've got nothing to worry about. You're obviously curious enough to let this friend of yours get touchy feely with you. But you're old enough to work things out without letting it fuck with your head too much. In a way I envy you."
"How do you mean?" I asked.
"I think I started out way too young. Me and me mates were barely thirteen when we started playing about. I had to deal with feelings of guilt and loathing that I had no hope of getting my head round on my own. Me mates and I didn't ever talk about what it all meant, I have no idea if they went through the same head fucks that I did."
"You could have stopped messing about with your mates if it made you feel that bad though."
"Really?" Fel chuckled to himself then went on "When did you lose your virginity? Fifteen wasn't it?"
I nodded. Fel knew this as we told each other everything, or up to today, so I thought.
"Would you have stopped after that big wide world of shagging was opened up to you?"
"Fair point. But you know, you could have talked to me about it. We've told each other everything since we were kids."
"Not that I couldn't. I couldn't take the chance that you would have run a mile or worse, told the family. Like I said, I wasn't mature enough at that age to deal with everything, and I'm telling you, despite your protestations, you would have freaked out too."
I remained silent, knowing that what he was saying was true. I probably would have freaked out at him a few years back if he had told me that he liked boys. There's no way I would have been able to deal with that back then.
He went on to say. "But now, I've had a lot of time and experience to know what I like and what I want. Right now it's Niall that does it for me. Maybe he's the one and I'll never have another relationship with a girl again or maybe not. Either way, right here and right now I'm quite comfortable with myself and my feelings.
"The only bit of advice that I can give you is not to worry about what other people might think is right or wrong, only you can decide what you want to do with your life. And it seems to me that you're getting the best of both worlds. You've got a great girlfriend and a guy who by the sounds of it worships the ground you walk on. You're obviously curious enough to let him do what he does for you. But just don't be happy to label yourself. Straight, gay or bi, it's all crap. Life's too short to worry about things like that in my opinion."
I nodded that he was right. And chugged the last of my beer feeling that I'd sorted out a lot of crap in my head and would take Fel's advice and just go with the flow as it were.
"Now, I'm fucking beat, I've been awake for nearly two days and I need to hit the hay."
He downed the last of his beer and chucked his bottle in the bin, then got up and pulled his top and t-shirt off in one go and let them fall to the floor, then he undid his jeans and stepped out of them.
I caught myself admiring him standing there in his underwear. I'd seen Fel get undressed all throughout our lives but I had never paid much attention, beyond the usual comparison stuff that all kids do. I know that I've said it a dozen times before, but Fel and I are so alike, in personality and in looks, we really could have been brothers. We're the same height, we have the same colour eyes and blond hair, although his sun bleached and was now longer than mine, and kind of looked like he had it cut by someone who didn't really know what they were doing. Probably someone he met while travelling.
He turned round so his back was facing me and I noticed something else that was new. He'd had a Celtic cross design tattoo done in between his shoulder blades. I have to say that it kind of looked cool. I instantly thought about getting one done myself.
While we have the same build in bodies, there were subtle differences like our belly buttons, I have an innie and he has an outie. We both have six pack stomachs, but right now his was much more defined than mine. I resolved to step up the exercise after Christmas. He also had the deepest tan I'd ever seen on him. His year away had obviously got his Irish skin tone beyond the glowing bright red stage that is quite normal for us. Two weeks in the sun for me and I'm a lobster, it takes a lot more for me to put on a decent colour. Fel's tan was a shade that I never knew was possible for us and he looked good with it.
Another subtle difference with us is our dicks. Yes, of course we've seen each other's dicks. C'mon, we've spent every school holiday at each other's houses since we were kids. Our parents might not always see eye to eye, but they never stopped us from being friends. We'd shared a bed since before I can remember and as we got older we would both often wake up with morning wood. No, we never said much of anything to each other about it. But I knew that while our uncut cocks were pretty much the same size as each other, when hard, Fel's was an probably inch or so longer than I was. The other differences, besides his inch on my seven inches, are that mine is thicker than his when hard and stands up right flat to my stomach, while Fel's sticks straight out.
I snapped out of my trance like appraisal of his body when after scratching his nuts through his shorts, he asked me if I were just going to stare at him or was I going to get ready for bed.
Busted, and I went a shade of red, but luckily Fel didn't take the piss out of me as I'm sure he would have done before. Instead as I got up to take my clothes off he headed for his bed and threw back the covers and slid under them. As I started to remove my clothes and drop them by his I could feel his eyes doing the same appraisal that mine did and I was gracious enough to ignore it as he did for me. Once down to my shorts I went over to the light and put it out and slid myself under the warm covers of Fel's bed.
Fel had a double bed. The reason for this was that as we spent most of our school holidays with each other, his parents thought it easier to invest in a bed large enough for two. Saved a lot of messing about with fold up beds or air beds, like we had to when he stayed at my house. Since we were babies we'd shared a bed whenever we stayed at each other's homes. Even when we were old enough to think it wrong to share a bed with another guy it never occurred to us not to.
As I slid under the covers Fel said "I tell you what, as much as I've enjoyed travelling, there's nothing like your own bed."
"I'll tell you what." I replied. "You fucking stink mate."
We both laughed and Fel replied that was because he hadn't had a decent shower for a few days.
"And I'm too fucking knackered to do anything about it now, so deal with it."
As we lay there next to each other I told him about Sam's thing about my odour. How he loves to smell my arm pits and underwear. I even told Fel about the time just before school broke up for Christmas when for one of our arrangements I wore a thong for a week for him.
"That guy's got it bad for you Dane. But kudos to you for indulging him. Though, I think I would draw the line at wearing a thong for a week. I couldn't wear mine for more than a day without it feeling like it was sawing me in two."
"You've got a thong?" I asked him with a note of surprise in my voice. "Please don't tell me that Niall has a thing about seeing you in a thong like Sam does with me. I don't think I could take the coincidence without thinking the universe is telling me that I should be gay."
"Ah Dane, we've way too much in common for you to be worried about what the universe has to say about it. No, I don't think Niall is bothered one way or another about underwear. But that said, I know he likes me thongs. I got them before I left for me travels last year, for a laugh. One is the tricolour Irish flag and the other one is emerald green with a leprechaun on it."
"Cool" I replied then went on to tell Fel about some of the crazy underwear that Sam has had me in.
"The funny thing is that I would never ever have thought about wearing something like a thong, but I found out that Michelle really loves seeing me in them too, so I'm all for that."
"So your girlfriend and your boyfriend have more in common than just loving you?"
"Fuck off, he's not my boyfriend." I replied agitatedly.
"Whatever you say Dane. Now unless you've got anything else going on in that pea sized brain of yours I need to get some sleep."
Did I? It had been a bit of a heavy day all things considered. Leaving Michelle in hospital the night before, Fel introducing his boyfriend to his family, our chat about sexuality and my real realisation that my letting Sam have his way with me wasn't quite as one sided as I was ever ready to admit before.
It sort of felt like if it was okay for Fel, then surely it was okay for me. That's not to say that I was about to run around shouting at the world that I was a bender. But I felt that it was okay to admit to myself that I liked what Sam did for me and I suppose the next big question was would I be prepared to do anything back to him?
I would honestly say that I wasn't turned on by Sam, not in the way that I was with Michelle or any other girl for that matter. But then I'd never thought about it until that point. I liked the guy a lot. He was becoming a good friend and someone who I actually looked forward to hanging out with. But could I do anything like what he'd done with me? And did I even want to?
Laying next to Fel I had a million questions running round my head. None of which I had any real answers to. But somehow now knowing that I had someone I could totally trust to talk to about what was happening to me made things not seem as bad as they could have been.
"Fel?" I whispered his name to see if he was still awake. He turned round and faced me, I leaned in and kissed him on the lips. I'd never done that with another guy before, never even considered doing it before, but at that moment it seemed the right thing to do. I wanted to show him my appreciation to him.
I think I shocked him at first, as he instantly froze. But as I pulled back ready to apologise he leaned in and kissed me back. It was just a brief peck on the lips, as sort of acknowledgement for us that we'd be there for each other, no matter what.
But then as one we both scooted up close to each other and the next thing I knew we were full on snogging. His lips on mine parted and our tongues played with each other in this sudden burst of passion.
During our embrace it didn't escape either of our attentions that we had both boned up in our shorts. As we kissed I felt his hand move to the bulge in my shorts and through the cotton material he gently rubbed it. I followed his lead, for the first time in my life I was feeling another guys' dick.
Fel pulled his lips from mine and looked at me for a moment with a quizzical look in his eye, but he didn't remove his hand from my package.
"Dane, are you sure you want to be doing this?" His voice sounded like there was a note of real concern in it. But I showed him that right there and then there was nothing else in my mind. I went to kiss him again and at the same time I removed my hand from the bulge on his boxer-briefs and slipped it down the waistband and took hold of his pulsating cock.
It was the strangest feeling in the world, having someone else's cock in your hand, sort of familiar, but not. Fel took my cue and had eased his hand down my own boxer-briefs and was playing with my dick until he seemed to have a better idea and started to ease my shorts down. I lifted my body up enough so that he could remove them properly and then I did the same for him.
Now naked we began to writhe over each other's hard bodies. This was such a new feeling to me as I was used to soft gentle bodies, with curves and suppleness. This was so different. Fel's body was hard and muscular, with bits of hair around it. Much like mine. Instead of the gentle lovemaking that I was used to there seemed to be an air of urgency and even a level of competitiveness between us. Like the first one who got the other to cum won the prize.
Well I guess you could expect that. Fel and I had always been competitive with each other, why should this be any different? This was so different to having sex with a girl and you know what? I was loving it.
It was like our usual rough and tumble but with an added dimension. And the best bit was that he knew exactly what me and my dick would like. I guess that's something that no matter how good a girl is, they can never really know what a dick feels like. Some of the girls I had been with had treated my dick like it was a one eyed monster, to be feared, even Michelle, who let's face it, was the best sex I had ever had, couldn't always get it right. But fel was working my cock as well as if I was doing it myself. I found myself hoping that he was feeling the same.
We carried on with each other at quite a pace, nothing was said, but we both wanted to be the one who brought the other to climax first. Tugging on each other's plonkers and kissing each other with an intensity that I had never experienced before.
Finally Fel's body tensed up and he started to orgasm. Reams of hot white liquid erupted from his pulsating cock in my hand and before long I was joining him on that plain of ecstasy.
"I win." I announced.
"Only just, you fecking eedjit." He replied.
Both of us still entwined around each other made no attempt to separate and soon I was looking at an exhausted Fel who had drifted off to sleep. And me? My mind was too tired to go over in my head what had just happened and what I felt about it. So I closed my eyes and ended up having the most peaceful nights sleep that I could remember in ages.
The next morning I was awoken by the sound of Christmas music coming from the downstairs living room and Fel's mum singing along to it.
Fel and I were still in pretty much the same position that we were when we fell asleep. Our arms around each other, our chests rising and falling together, our legs entwined around each other and our dicks, both hard once again, nestling on each other's stomachs.
I opened my eyes, to the glow of the winter sunlight streaming through the drawn curtains and looked at Fel's face, he had a look of contentment written all over it and the funny thing was that in the cold light of day I was sharing the same feeling.
He opened his eyes and smiled at me looking at him and said.
"Hey." I replied.
We both pulled apart from our sleeping embrace.
"Feel a bit weird?" He asked with a hint of concern in his voice.
"No, not really." That was the truth. I really didn't feel freaked out by what we did at all.
"Then maybe we should have done something like this years ago."
I could tell when Fel was joking, and this was one of those times, but I answered him with the honest truth.
"I think that you were right last night. I would have freaked out if we had done anything when we were younger."
"And now?" I paused to collect my thoughts. "What with one thing and another, I guess that I'm going to have to accept the possibility that there might be two bisexuals in this family."
We both laughed and then Fel added "you always have to go copying me don't 'cha"
Again we both fell about laughing.
Once we had laughed ourselves out I replied to him "Well actually, now that you mention it. I really want to get a tattoo like yours."
"Okay, sure. I'll take you to where I got it done once Christmas is over."
"Cheers." I replied.
"Well I think it's about time to get to the bathroom before me mam gets up here to see if we're awake. Do you want to go first?"
"Nah mate, you still smell rife, you need it more than me."
"Yah cheeky fucker."
Fel jumped out of bed and without a care in the world that I was seeing his morning wood bouncing up and down he searched for where his boxers were chucked from the night before and when he found them he pulled them on, his hardness tenting them out. Then he opened his bedroom door and stuck his head out to make sure the coast was clear and darted off to the bathroom.
While he was showering I took the time to relieve my morning problem. As I did, thoughts of Michelle flooded into my mind. Her warm soft supple body, her perky breasts that were not too big nor too small. God how I loved those tits. I thought about the times that we made love, how much I loved pleasuring her, took pride in my ability to make her have multiple orgasms. Then I thought about how she was also into me and fulfilling my needs. She was beautiful and I was glad that she was my girlfriend.
I was pulling myself off with Michelle in my minds eye reliving one of the times that I went down on her. As I continued to stoke my dick the vision of Michelle vanished and was replaced by Fel and what we'd done the night before.
For a moment I questioned what I was feeling about it. On the one hand I was surprised that I wasn't feeling disgusted with myself for messing about with a guy. I knew I should have been grossed out, but I really don't think I was. Maybe it was because it was Fel?
But then that put an uneasy feeling in my head. I wasn't feeling weird about getting off with my cousin? Although now I think about it, that in itself was weird. As I've said so many times, Fel and I are close. We're cousins, but we're good friends, almost like brothers. And that's the bit that started to bother me. Because even the thought of doing something like Fel and I had done the previous night with either of my brothers made me feel nauseous. Wrong on so many levels.
But then, well, Fel and I have a connection with each other that I do not share with my real brothers. Sure I get on with both of them fine, but I just get on with Fel better.
As I thought about that, the feelings of the love that I had for Michelle that had washed over me went, and were replaced by something new, something that I couldn't quite understand.
The best way to describe it was a burst of animal passion. It wasn't like the tender love that I felt for Michelle. I thought to how good it felt to have someone like Fel with me who was very much my equal. There was no need for soft tenderness, it was purely about getting each other off. I now knew that having another guy doing to me what I'd only had girls do to me in the past felt just as right to me, as was my doing the same to him.
As I continued to pump my cock Fel faded from my mind and was replaced by Sammy. I thought about the blowjob that he had given me and how much I had enjoyed it. I knew at that moment that I would not have a problem with him doing it again.
And that's when it happened. The waves of passion that were washing through my mind suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.
I heard a voice in my head, it was one of my mates from school.
"Yeah, Dane was a diamond geeza, but did you hear that he's turned queer? He lets some bloke suck him off. Fucking batty boy."
Those words resonated around in my brain. I couldn't deal with my mates turning against me like that. And I knew that they would. If they ever found out that I let Sammy blow me or even any of the other things that I have let him do, my life would be hell. How many times did we take the piss out of someone that we thought was gay? Even if they weren't, it didn't really matter. Just the thought that someone might be gay was like the worst thing you could think of.
How much flack did Sammy take from us over the years? Even though no one really knew if he was gay or not, it didn't matter. Just that he might be was enough to have earned him a bad time through school.
Over the past few months I had been feeling guilty that I was part of that. Okay, so as Sammy pointed out, I never actually picked on him myself. Bullying is not my style. But I never stopped my mates from having a go at him either. I even laughed along with them when they did something to him that was funny.
And now, laying in Fel's bed, my morning hard on wilting in my hand because of these thoughts that had suddenly popped into my mind, I knew that my friends would so easily turn on me if I gave them that opportunity.
But then why would they? How would they even know? It's not like I was falling in love with Sammy and felt the need to tell the whole world about us. That was Fel, not me. He had fallen for a guy and was happy that people knew about it. I wasn't in love with Sammy, not even close to it. True, I liked the guy and thought that he was a good friend. But it wasn't anything like the feelings that I have for Michelle.
A freshly showered Fel came back into his bedroom and I climbed out of the bed to go for my shower. He put his hand on my shoulder as I passed him and I turned back to face him.
"It's alright. Y'know." He said to me with a serious note in his voice. "You're still you, as much as I am still me. Don't worry what other people may or may not think of you. If you do, you'll only send yourself mad."
There was no point in asking him how he knew what I was thinking. Fel knew me better than anyone else in the whole world did. If anyone could read my mind it was he, after all, I often knew what he is thinking a lot of the time.
"I'm cool. Don't worry." I replied, and then vowed to myself that I would cast the thoughts that I had out of my mind. I wasn't going to spend the whole of Christmas winding myself up about it. After all, so what if I swing both ways? The main thing is that it's not an issue, because I love Michelle and I would never do anything to mess that up. Even if it included stopping the arrangements with Sam.
Christmas day isn't Christmas day without a family fight. For most families it's the fight over watching television, or the argument over who ruined the meal. For my family, when we have these massive get togethers every few years, the fight is usually a proper punch up.
This year was no different, except that this time it was so embarrassing for me. It involved my dad and my uncle Edward.
I had no idea how it started. I was with my brothers, Fel and several of my other cousins, all of us determined to be the last man standing while putting a very large hole in the bar's supply of Guinness.
We were back in the hall that my family had hired for our shindig. We'd had the feast and as the evening drew in pretty much all of us were getting half cut. I remembered past family do's when I was much younger, trying my luck to get a sup of the black stuff. Usually a sympathetic uncle or older cousin would sneak us a glass or two. But now I was over the drinking age, and even though I'd had the `don't get too drunk' talk by my parents, I knew that they would be too busy having their own fun to keep a close eye on me.
As I said, I had no idea how it started. All I knew was that from the other side of the hall there was an all mighty crash and several shouts. I ignored it at first, figuring out that someone had too much to drink and fell into a table or something. Then I heard a load of shouting and recognised my father's voice yelling.
We, my brothers, cousins and I got up to see what was going on. It was way past my embarrassment scale. Seeing my father and uncle Edward trading blows, rolling around the floor as if they were in a playground fight. I couldn't think of anything worse.
While everyone was watching, Fel and I waded in and pulled our fathers apart. My dad put up quite a lot of resistance. He might be nearing fifty, but he's as strong as an ox and he had no intention of giving up quietly. While Fel seemed to have no problem with pulling his father away and calming him down, I only seemed to make mine angrier. Luckily my brothers saw that I wasn't going to be able to do this on my own and with their assistance I managed to get my dad restrained until he calmed down enough to push him into a chair.
The drama over, the party continued around us. My mother was caught between being disgusted at her husband for making a show of himself and concern that he was hurt. My father, although now subdued, shouted out unintelligible curses at my uncle whenever he caught sight of him from the other side of the hall.
Eventually my aunt Sarah came over and spoke to my mother. Then she came over to speak to me.
"Dane, your mother and I agree that it's best that you go back with your parents tonight."
"What? Why? Just because dad and Uncle Edward don't get along. That's never stopped me from staying with you before."
"I know my darling, and you'll always be welcome to stay with us, no matter what. But we think it is for the best that you stay with your parents for the next day or two. Just until things calm down between those two eejits."
Fel came over and caught what his mother had just said to me.
"Mam, that's not fair. Why shouldn't Dane stay with us?"
"Feidhlim, it's for the best. And I'm sure Dane will want to be with his father after all this. As I said, just until things calm down enough for his father and your father to sort things out."
"This sucks!" Fel and I said together.
My mother came up to us and said
"Why don't you boys go off and enjoy yourselves for the evening. We will let you know when we're ready to leave Dane."
My brothers, Fel and I went back to our table and spent the rest of the evening downing pints and speculating what could have caused our fathers to actually fight each other. We'd grown up with the animosity that existed between them. Dad was the older brother, uncle Edward was the youngest. We always put it down to sibling rivalry and that my father disapproved of his brother's so called alternative lifestyle. But then our mothers, who were sisters, seemed to get on fairly okay most of the time. I was sure that was the reason that I was allowed to stay with my aunt and uncle over the holidays. I think my mother shared the view of disapproval over her sister and brother in law's lifestyle, but she and her sister always managed to keep things civil even when their husbands were fighting.
When I say fighting, I mean verbally. In my whole life I had never seen my father in a fight and Fel echoed the same about his dad. None of us as we continued to talk about it could get our heads around what could have set them off trading blows.
About an hour later my mother came over to let me know that we were leaving. I told her that I wanted to stay to the end and that I would make my own way back to where they were staying. But she wouldn't have any of it. I was to go back with them.
It would have been so easy to have gone into a strop and whine about how unfair it was. After all, my brothers weren't being asked to leave. They were staying with a couple of our cousins who share a flat, so they could come and go as they please. My sisters were staying with another aunt and uncle and their children and had left the hall before the fight. They weren't asked to go back with our parents. Why me?
No, I didn't yell, nor did I stamp my feet, but I made damn sure that my parents knew that I was not happy about the turn of events.
We went back to Uncle Mick and Aunt Mary's and they had the couch made up for me to sleep on.
The next morning I hoped that things might have calmed down enough for me to be able to go back to Uncle Edward and Aunt Sarah's. Fel and I had planned a St. Stephen's Day football match with some of his old school friends and there was no way I was going to miss it just because of our fathers.
I called Fel's mobile to see what time we were to meet up, but he told me that he wasn't going to go as something had come up.
"This isn't anything to do with our dad's is it?" I asked wondering if he'd been told by his dad that we weren't to be friends because of their fight.
"No, don't be daft. But it's not good either."
"Okay, so it's not because of our dad's, so what's the problem."
He went on to tell me that his boyfriend Niall had come out to his parents on Christmas day and the shit hit the fan. Niall was staying at a friend's and Fel was on his way out to see him.
"I'm sorry Dane, I know you were looking forward to the match, but this is important."
"Don't worry Fel, I get it."
"I'd invite you along but..."
"No, you guys are going to need your time together. Don't worry about me. I'll find something to do for the day."
"Well, okay. But I feel pretty bad. I'm sorry."
"Shut up and stop acting like a poof." I joked.
"Takes one to know one, yer feckin eejit. Look, I'll call later and we'll make plans for tomorrow."
"Okay mate. I hope it works out for Niall."
"As do I. He sounds in a bad way. I'll call you later."
I spent the rest of the day when I wasn't glued to the TV screen bored out of my mind, asking my parents what the big row was about. Just being told to mind my own business didn't get me the answers that I wanted.
To say she was stunning was to do her an injustice. Siobhan was unbelievably stunning.
Siobhan, in case you're wondering, is pronounced Shivaun.
I met up with Feidhlim, Niall and his friend Siobhan in town the next day. We had a couple of drinks in a pub in Temple Bar, where Fel and Niall told me what had happened when Niall came out to his parents. It was all a bit tragic, he was thrown out in the heat of the argument.
But to be honest while I'm sure that I made all the right noises in all the right places, my eyes were on Siobhan. From the moment I saw her I was floored. The three of them came walking up to me as we met. Her long black hair blowing in the wind, gave her the appearance of a mystic beauty. I was never one for the gothic look, too much make up, in my opinion. But for Siobhan it worked well. It didn't look like war paint, like it does on most girls who go in for that sort of thing. It just seemed to elaborate her beauty. She had a canteen of cutlery pierced into her ears, again something that I don't really like, but I was so taken with her that I totally saw beyond that.
As we chatted I found that she was smart, with a cutting sense of humour. Niall told me that they had been best friends since school days, but to be honest I thought that they were more like brother and sister, because of the way they bickered with each other. She was no shrinking violet either and gave as good as she got and as I found out, she doesn't mince her words.
"I can't get over how much you two look like each other. You sure you're not brothers?" Siobhan said.
I chuckled and Fel replied "Yeah, we get that a lot."
"Well Niall, the good news is that if you misplace your boyfriend at least you've got a spare to fall back on. That's assuming that Dane's bisexual as well. Are you Dane?" She seemed to have a mischievous glint in her eye.
But I answered with an overly defensively tone "No!"
Even though I was starting to think that I maybe was, I wasn't ready at that moment to admit it to anyone other than Fel. Call it a default reaction to such a question.
"Too bad." She replied to me, looking slightly crestfallen. "I think a guy should swing both ways. Life's too short to stick to one sex. It's boring. But then you just have to ask Niall about boring."
"Hey!" Niall exclaimed. "Just because I'm the only guy you've ever met who has no interest in sleeping with you, doesn't make me boring."
"Okay, not boring. Just dull." Then she turned back to me and said "Dane, do you think it's hot to see two girls at it?"
"Yeah, of course." I replied without hesitation.
"Well, I think it's as hot seeing two guys going for it. I think for a guy to be good in bed, he should be free minded enough to at least experiment with same sex sex."
I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was a need to impress her, I don't know. But before I thought about what I was saying I blurted out "I've experimented... a bit." Then I went a deep shade of red.
"Well then there's hope for you yet."
"Siobhan, would you leave the guy alone." Niall seemed a bit angry with her.
They started to bicker with each other. I looked at Fel who just shrugged at me, he seemed amused by the whole thing. Meanwhile, unbeknown to the others, while Siobhan and Niall bickered, I felt a foot from across the table slide up to my crotch and began to massage it through my track suit bottoms. Every now and then as the conversations went to and throw she would look at me with the same mischievous look in her eye as she had earlier.
The look she had turned into an evil grin when it was suggested that we drink up and head out so that I could get my tattoo done. I instantly said that I thought we should have another round before heading out.
I had to. There was no way that I was going to walk out of the pub with a raging hard on tenting out my trackies in front of everyone. Fel and Niall obviously unaware of what was going on, thought that I needed a bit more Dutch courage before I went through with getting the tattoo. Siobhan, blatantly knew otherwise and suggested that the guys went up to the bar and got the drinks in.
"Dane, I think you need a bit of help with that problem of yours before we go."
Her comment floored me for a second. I'm used to girls coming on to me, but never that blatant. But then I guess that Siobhan was used to getting what she wanted, and right then she wanted me. Hell, I wasn't going to protest.
She nodded for me to get up and follow her. I looked around to make sure that no one was looking in our direction. Fortunately the bar was quite and Fel and Niall were busy chatting to the barman as they waited for the Guinness to settle to notice us slip out to the toilets.
Once inside Siobhan locked the cubicle and turned round to face me with a beaming smile. She then pulled out a long chain that was around her neck which had a small bottle attached to it. She undid the top and poured a small amount of white powder into one of her long fingernails and held it up to my nose offering me some.
I shook my head and replied that I don't do drugs. She shrugged and said that it figured.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.
"Dane, you're too straight for your own good. Live a little." She offered the coke to me again and when I shook my head again she shrugged and held her fingernail under her nose and sniffed the powder up a nostril.
I started to witter on about how drugs weren't cool and that it's nothing about `living a little'. But she put her finger on my lips and told me that she didn't come in here for a debate.
I was feeling stupid that I'd ruined the moment. But as I went to unlock the cubicle door she pulled my hand away and pushed me back. She pulled my trackies down as she knelt in front of me and then she started playing with my dick that was tenting out my shorts like Sammy did the night before I came to Ireland. As she played with my bulge with her hand she started to lick my pre-cum that had began to ooze its way through my shorts, again, just like Sammy did.
Fuck! I thought to myself. Here I was, with one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen, about to get head from her and I was thinking about Sammy. This was fucked up.
But then all thoughts in my head vanished as Siobhan pulled my shorts down and the beast sprang up. Moments later her lips were around the head and her tongue started licking at it. Then I felt the most amazing sensation as she lowered her mouth down my shaft. The stud in her tongue rubbed the underside of my shaft and I almost blasted right there and then. I had never felt anything like that before and struggled to hold back so I could enjoy more of the pleasure.
When we sat back at the table Fel and Niall were back there drinking their pints.
"So where have you two been?" Niall asked with a smirk on his face.
Siobhan grabbed her bag and pulled out a makeup bag then opened a compact up and checked her face out in its small mirror. Then as she snapped it closed she said
"Boys are so weak. Offer to get their dicks moist and they'll never turn you down."
I went bright red.
Fel and Niall looked at each other and burst out laughing.
Then Siobhan added while looking at me. "You weren't bad for a young boy, get a bit more experience and you just might make it as a good lover."
I was indignant. Young boy? I guessed that Siobhan was around the same age as Niall and Fel said that he was 22. Four years older doesn't give someone the right to patronize me. Not when it comes to sex. I said as much. Fel and Niall burst out laughing again.
"Oh Dane, don't take it the wrong way sweetie. I did say that you weren't bad and if lasting as long as you did was what it was all about you'd be at the top of the class. But take it from me. To appreciate a good blow job you have to give a few as well. That's why I said earlier that bi guys make the best lovers a woman could have."
"I'd agree with that." Fel replied, looking please with his bisexual self.
"That's total bollocks." Niall said. "While I agree that sex with a guy is the only way to go, I wouldn't say that it was the only way to appreciate sex with a woman."
"So says the man who has never had sex with a girl. And no, fumbling around with Teresa Mackinnery when you were fifteen doesn't count."
"I still don't see how sucking some guys dick would make me a better lover." I said to Siobhan, still not convinced that she wasn't winding me up.
"Well it's amazing what you will learn over the next few years then."
Cryptic or what? I let it drop. I mean, I was still just getting my head round this bisexual thing. Knowing that I was comfortable enough for some things was one thing. Thinking about another guys dick in my mouth, or anywhere else, was a totally different matter.
After a couple of drinks it was decided that we would head off to the tattoo parlour where Fel had got his Celtic cross done so that I could get mine done. If I'd has second thoughts about having a tattoo I couldn't have shown them because I didn't want the others, well Siobhan, to think that I was a chicken. She showed me a rose that she had done on her ankle and an Egyptian symbol on her shoulder. I was quite impressed. She told me that she had another done, but that I wasn't going to get to see that until later. Flirting? Oh yes!
The parlour was down an alleyway and it looked a bit dingy. Don't they all? My heart was thumping through my chest, I swear I was about to back out, but I knew I couldn't.
Once we got inside, a girl with a shaved head and far too many facial piercings, eyed us up from behind the counter. She smiled a welcome and asked what she could do for us. How she managed a smile with the weight of all that jewellery in her face was a mystery to me.
You see, when I think of goth or punk that's the type of person I think of. Severe features that I would run a mile from. Having spent the afternoon with Siobhan I was quite warming to the look. But now, well let's just say that every time the woman looked at me the shiver that went down my spine wasn't a good one.
After I stumbled out with that I wanted to get a tattoo done, I was told that the artist was with a client at the moment, but if I wanted to hang about for a while they would be able to fit me in.
The punk woman then shoved a book of designs for me to choose from and left me alone, while she concentrated on Siobhan. Obviously I wasn't the only one taken by her beauty.
Siobhan was looking at some of the bondage gear that was on display in the shop, while Fel, Niall and me looked through some of the tattoo designs. We Laughed at some, and were in awe of others. But I had made up my mind that I wanted the same design as Fel and there was nothing in the book that made me think again.
We went over to join Siobhan who was chatting with the punk girl while suggestively fondling the handle of a leather whip.
"Hey boys, this is just what I need to keep your sorry arses in line." Siobhan chuckled.
Niall looked at Fel and I, and said that it would be funny if she wasn't serious.
All four of us browsed the store, pointing out various items. Dildos, vibraters and butt plugs, some of which look way too big to go where they were supposed to, at least as far as I was concerned anyway.
As we got to the fetish wear section of leather, rubber and the like we had a laugh at some of the stranger items on display. Siobhan picked up a red PVC thong and held it to my waist and chuckled.
"I think that would suit you."
I rolled my eyes and replied "Why does everyone think that I would look good in a thong?"
Siobhan and Niall looked blank but Fel said to them as if to fill in the missing piece.
"His girlfriend and his boyfriend seem to like to see him in shall we say, skimpier underwear."
I shot a dagger look at Fel and replied through gritted teeth "I don't have a boyfriend."
"Sorry mate. I just thought I'd make you a bit more interesting to Siobhan. You want to get into her knickers don't you?"
That fucking bastard of a cousin of mine. Trying to embarrass me like that. I looked at Siobhan wondering what she was thinking, hoping that Fel hadn't spoilt any chances that I might possibly get her into bed. She just laughed, then handed me the red thong and said.
"Put it on."
It wasn't a suggestion, or even a request. It was an order, and for some reason I couldn't disobey her. She called over the punk assistant again and said that her friend wanted to try this on and I was shown into a small cubicle and a curtain was drawn after me.
I looked at the cold plastic thong and smiled as I thought to myself for a moment that Fel was right, both Michelle and Sammy would love to see me in this. I kicked my shoes off and pulled my tracksuit bottoms and shorts down and pulled the thong in place and looked at myself in the full length mirror on the changing room.
It looked pretty good. It felt okay as well. It had a pouch that was big enough to give the boys plenty of room, unlike that leather thong that Sammy had me try on before Christmas. Thinking of Michelle and Sammy I had just made my mind up to buy it when I heard Fel cal out.
"Are you gonna show us or what?"
Before I had a chance to tell him to go to hell the curtain whipped open and the three of them were standing there in front of me with grins on their faces and camera phones in their hands, pointed at me.
"Fuck off you bastards." I yelled.
"C'mon Dane." Fel said. "Do a little dance, this is going on YouTube."
"The fuck it is." I replied and pulled the curtain back in place to the sound of the three of them pissing themselves with laughter.
I pulled the thong off and put my clothes back on and stepped out of the changing room. The thong bunched up in my hand I went up to a still laughing Fel and shoved it in his face and told him to sniff my bollocks. He knocked my hand out of his face and then tried to make a grab for me and get me into a headlock.
Fortunately I was ready for such a predictive move and managed to dodge him. I was just about to get him in a counter move when someone from behind us appeared and said.
"When you lot have finished fucking about I've been told that one of you idiots wants a tattoo done."
The guy was a big bloke, typical biker looking guy, who didn't look like he was to be messed with.
Fel and I instantly stopped our mock fight as if we'd been scolded like two school boys by the guy. I looked at him and meekly replied that it was me who wanted the tattoo done. The bloke just nodded me through to the back of the shop which turned out to be his studio and he asked me what I wanted to have done. I called Fel in to show the guy his tattoo and said that I wanted the same one and after a few moments of paperwork I was sitting on a table with this guy putting what felt like red hot needles in between my shoulder blades.
Yeah, it hurt. And when he was done it felt sore. I was given a list of things to do and not to do and sent on my way.
When I walked back out of the studio into the shop the others were waiting for me. I pulled my jumper up and pulled te dressing back to show them and they all agreed that when the swelling went down it would look really good. Then I went to the counter to pay the punk girl for my tattoo and we left the shop.
As we headed back to the bar for another drink or three before deciding what to do for the evening Fel tossed a small bag in my direction which I caught as he said "Happy Christmas from all of us."
I opened it to see that it contained the red PVC thong.
"Aw you guys. You shouldn't have." I mock simpered at them.
Back in the pub and desperately trying not to scratch my tattoo through my jumper, we had decided to check out a club later on that evening that Siobhan said was kicking. And best of all, plans were made for us all to stay over at her flat. That meant that I had a good chance that I'd get to nail her.
It was then as I was thinking about a night with Siobhan that my mind sent a sudden wave of guilt through my body. It started with a sinking feeling in my stomach that ended up like nausea.
Why? Well I suddenly thought about Michelle. I'd never cheated on her in the whole time that we'd been together. Sure, I'd had the opportunity to, but I never did. I never wanted to. Until now. Siobhan had captivated me and I knew that even though it was wrong to go behind Michelle's back, I would go for it if I was given half the chance.
Then I thought about Sammy. I guess I was trying to make myself feel better about Michelle. Because some might say that letting Sam do what he did with me was like cheating on Michelle. But somehow it didn't feel that way to me. I can't explain it really. It just didn't feel like cheating. Maybe because Sam was a guy, so it wasn't the same as going with another girl? Maybe it was because I may have let Sam do things with me, but never done anything with him that made it alright? I don't know.
As it happens, I never got to know whether my guilty feelings towards Michelle would disappear the moment I got with Siobhan. Because I didn't get with her.
We'd been in the pub for less than an hour when Fel got a call on his mobile from his mum telling him and me to get back to the house right away. When Fel relayed the message I asked him why. He didn't know. All he knew was that the tone of his mother's voice wasn't one to be messed with.
When we got back to Fel's house I felt the chill coming from the parlour even before we stepped foot in there. I looked around the room and along with my aunt and uncle were my parents, my brothers Patrick and Liam and my cousin Eve. To say that it was frosty in that room would be an understatement. I swear it was warmer outside, which is saying a lot for Dublin at the end of December.
The fight my father had with my uncle may have been patched up, but from the way they were staring at each other I don't think their issues had been resolved.
My aunt broke the silence. "Fel, Dane. Sit your selves down, we've a lot to talk about."
"Where's Mary and Connie?" I asked wondering if this was an immediate family gathering why my sisters weren't there?
"They're still with your uncle Paul and aunt Jayne. We decided that they didn't need to be told until things were resolved."
"Told what?" I asked, feeling a bit confused.
As Fel and I took a seat each around the table we looked at each other quizzically. I wondered if he knew what this was about. But from the look in his face he was as clueless as I was. I knew we hadn't done anything wrong, so we couldn't be in trouble. It wasn't like when we were kids and we'd be hauled up and scolded for whatever it was that we got caught doing.
Uncle Edward cleared his throat and began talking to everyone in the room.
"As you all are aware we..." He pointed at my dad. "made fools of ourselves on Christmas Day in front of the family. I don't condone violence of any kind and it is never a good way to sort out differences of opinion..."
"Ah get off your high horse and get to the point." My father interrupted abruptly. They both looked daggers at each other. Then they looked at me. I felt a lump in my throat and a sudden chill down my spine.
"Dane." My uncle continued. "The decision to tell you this has not been taken lightly by any of us. But you're eighteen now and you have a right to know. You're a man in your own right and I think that you will be able to handle this in a responsible way.
"It's best if I start at the beginning. Nineteen years ago I had an affair with your mother."
I looked around the room and saw the reactions from various people. All us kids looked shocked and our mouths had all dropped open at this bombshell. Whereas, my father seemed to have a look of pure hatred in his eyes. My mother looked down at her hands on the table and aunt Sarah had a neutral look on her face as she took hold of uncle Edwards hand.
"I am sure that you have all wandered why, over the years why Jack and I haven't got along. Well it is because Pauline and I had a brief affair all those years ago."
I was stunned. My uncle and my mother? But nothing could prepare me for what was said next.
My uncle looked straight at me and gave me a weak smile then spoke again.
"It was a long time ago and we have all in our own ways made our piece with it. But there is one last bit left to do and that is to tell you Dane, that I am your biological father."
The silence was deafening. My brain had stopped working. Then my mother spoke with a very croaky voice that made her sound like she was about to burst into tears.
"Dane, I'm sorry." She looked up at me and reached across the table to take my hand. "We all wanted what was best for you, that's why all those years ago it was decided not to tell you until you were old enough to understand and be able to deal with it."
Then my uncle, erm, dad? spoke again. "Dane, this doesn't really change anything. You're father, who raised you as his own still loves you. Your aunt and I made our peace with this a long time ago and we also love you. What you do with this information is up to you. But as far as we're concerned nothing has changed."
Nothing has changed? That's not what I was feeling. My whole family lied to me for my whole life. I looked into my father's eyes but he moved his gaze from me back to his brother. There was a look that passed between them that resembled pure hatred. Then my father stood up from the table and looked around at everyone and said
"Well, there you have it. You all know the truth now." Then he looked at me and said "Dane, do what you want with this news. But just remember I am your father and I love you."
My father was never someone who found it easy to express his feelings. I couldn't actually recall a time when he had ever said to me that he loved me.
He gestured for my mother and brothers to get up as they were going to leave. Then he turned back to me and said, "You can stay here if you want."
Then my uncle spoke to me "Dane, you'll always be welcome to stay here, you've always seen this as your second home. But, maybe it would be best if you stayed with your parents for the rest of your time in Dublin."
I looked at my parents and thought about it, then replied. "If it's alright I'll stay here. For now. I need a bit of time to get on top of this."
My mother crossed the room and kissed me on the forehead and told me to take all the time I needed.
Then my brother Patrick chipped it "And if you decided that you're going to stay in Dublin, it'll mean our bedroom has just got a third bigger." He nudged Liam and they both laughed.
"Yeah, go on Dane, stay here. We never liked you anyway." Liam responded.
I knew my brothers well enough to know that they were joking and only trying to make light of this whole situation. So I told them to fuck themselves and don't make any plans for our room because I would be on that plane home. That earned me a clip round the back of my head and a warning about my language from my mother.
My father headed for the front door and mumbled to me that they would see me at New Years eve. Then my mother kissed me again as she headed out. My brothers and I bumped fists with each other, but I couldn't help see the smirks on their faces.
I walked out into the hallway and saw them file out into the hire car and drive off. My father never glanced back at me, while my mother looked very sad as they drove off.
I closed the front door and made my way upstairs to Fel's room and slumped down on his bed. I needed some space on my own to get my head around what I had just been told and I really couldn't face seeing my other family at that moment.
I'm not sure I remember how long I was alone up in the room. Minutes, hours, it was all the same to me.
Thoughts of what I had just been told about my father not being my real father swam around my head over and over. None of it was making any sense to me as I tried to reason it out.
Aside from my father's disappointment in me not wanting to become a builder like him or my brothers, I couldn't really think of a time that he treated me any different from my brothers. So it wasn't like it was the explanation for his use of discipline on me. My brothers would have been just as likely to have had a hiding as I was if we ever did anything wrong as we grew up.
Then I thought back on the day that I had just had. It started out so well. Fel, his boyfriend Niall and Siobhan and I having a laugh in the pub, and then me getting my tattoo. I wondered if we hadn't had got that call from Fel's mum to come back home, whether I would have ended up going back to Siobhan's flat and maybe to her bed?
That afternoon, I wanted nothing more than to do that. But now, maybe because the moment had gone? All I could think about was how quickly I was ready to cheat on Michelle.
Oh, I could easily rationalise it. What goes on in Dublin, stays in Dublin. Michelle would never find out. We'd been going out for well over a year and I'd never cheated on her before, even though I'd had plenty of opportunities to.
But that wasn't strictly true, was it? Did the things that I had let Sammy do with me count as cheating? Before I never thought of it like that. We had our arrangements. We both got something that we wanted from the other. But now I was thinking how was letting Sammy go down on me the night before I left for Dublin any different from Siobhan going down on me earlier this afternoon?
Was it because I fancied Siobhan that I felt the guilt? I knew that if she lived in London I would have a hard time choosing between her and Michelle. Was it because I didn't think of Sam in that way the reason that I felt that I was not cheating on Michelle when I let Sammy do those things with me?
A knock at the door broke my chain of thought and Fel stepped into his room.
"Hey bro, how yer feeling?"
Bro? We'd called each other brothers since we were kids. But now it was half true. All my brothers and sisters became half brothers and sisters that day. And my two favourite cousins, Fel and Eve had become my half brother and sister.
Fel sat down on the edge of the bed where I was laying and soon I was telling him all the thoughts that were running around my brain. About the family revelation, about Siobhan and my guilt about cheating on Michelle and even about my confusion that I did not have the same sense of guilt even though I had let Sammy do the same thing to me that Siobhan did.
And no, Fel did not have all the answers to the random thoughts that plagued my head. But it was good to have someone who I could trust to talk to about anything. Most guys don't have that. We're supposed to bottle up our feelings and telling someone about your fears is a sign of weakness.
I knew that Fel would never think that of me. I knew instinctively that I could tell him anything no matter what it was. And while many people in our extended family often joked that we were so similar that we should have been brothers, until that day, for both of us, it was never more that a joke.
Maybe we should have known? Maybe deep down we did? And maybe, just maybe, I might be able to get over the fact that my families lied to me for all these years?
The rest of the week in Dublin went by in a blur to me. I'd be happy and carefree one minute, then I'd feel the weight of the world on my shoulders the next. My aunt and uncle were good enough to let me have my own space and didn't pressure me into talking with them about it.
Eve was great and seemed thrilled that she had gained a new brother. The day after the revelation Fel, Eve and I were out for a morning run around the park and Fel asked her what she thought about it all.
Eve answered straight away "I always joked that Dane was my spare brother. Now he is for real. I'm cool. I've got two big brothers now. Personally, I've always preferred Dane."
"Oi you scaggy cow. Show your big brother some respect." Fel yelled at Eve with a tone of mock anger.
"Why should I? I've got another big brother who can beat you up."
"He can try, but as always he will lose." Fel replied.
"In your dreams Fel. In your dreams."
We slowed our run down to a fast walk and Fel pushed me by my shoulder. I pushed him back. In the next moment we were wrestling each other on the cold damp grass, trying to best each other just as we had done for all our lives.
When we had worn ourselves down and were just laying on the grass trying to catch our breath I looked up and saw Eve looking down at us with a look of disgust on her face as she said.
"The trouble with boys is that you never grow up."
Her statement echoed through my head as I sat in my classroom the first week back to school after the Christmas holiday.
I'd only half listened to our form tutor drone on something about what was going to happen for the remainder of school until the exams, changes to our classes and timetables. But my mind wasn't there. My life had been turned upside down in more ways than one and now I was back home I had to deal with my new reality.
My father not being my father. And when I walked into class seeing Sam looking up at me as I passed his desk I was reminded that my sexuality was not my sexuality. In Dublin talking with Fel it didn't seem a problem to admit to myself that there could be a possibility that I might be bi-sexual. Now back at home and in the reality of school, that carefree attitude that I had in Dublin vanished as soon as I saw Sam.
It was he after all, that had set my mind in that direction. And part of me now hated him for that. I had only let him blow me so that I could use his uncle's place to fuck Michelle. How was I supposed to know that I would have ended up enjoying it?
The bell had rung and most of the class got up to leave, I didn't as my next class was in the same room. Outside I heard a commotion and as I looked out of the door to see what was going on I saw Tony Isaacs, a mate of mine, pin Sam to the wall and threaten him.
I felt an over whelming sense of anger. Maybe with everything that had happened over the past couple of weeks it was an overreaction? But even though what I did next earned me a week's suspension from school and a black mark on my record I would do the same thing again.
Isaacs may have been a mate, but I knew right then that Sammy was more than that to me. He'd been through hell at school and I vowed that no one was going to pick on him again.
As Eve said,
"The trouble with boys is that you never grow up."
Maybe she's right.