Date: Sat, 20 Sep 2008 22:01:42 -0700 (PDT)
From: Michael Castle <mickcastle92@yahoo.com.au>
Subject: The Cure

The day had arrived, the moment was here and, FINALLY, the biggest question
of my young life was going to be answered.  And even though I was only
fifteen years old, I knew that this answer was going to make an impact. The
question was a simple one, but I had a feeling that the answer was going to
change a lot of things.

My name is Jeremy Pritchard. I am a pretty average boy; I like sports,
especially soccer and basketball, but don't play in any competitions
anymore. I also enjoyed playing on computers, and of course more then
anything I loved playing and hanging out with my friends. I was a slightly
above average student at school, but nothing exceptional.

I had a great family. My parents worked full time, but they always made
sure that they were home at a reasonable time each night. This was
especially good for me, because I would look after my two younger brothers
until they got home, but my parents would almost always let me go out and
do whatever I wanted when they were home. Most nights I could be found
cruising around town, hanging with my group.

My groups of friends were quite simply, my life. They meant the world to
me, as much as I loved my family, and believe me, I certainly did. My
friends were my rock. If ever I was having a down day, I would only need to
see one of their smiling faces, and I would smile like the sun. I would do
anything for my friends, and I'm pretty sure that they would do anything
for me.

Out of all of my friends, I have a best friend. Jordan Sinclair is the best
friend that a guy could ever ask for. He is sixteen, but we are in the same
year at school, because he was born too late in the year to be in the year
ahead. I have known Jordan for more than ten years. We went through primary
school together, and now that we are in high school, we practically are
joined at the hips.

That is, we were, at least until a month and a half ago, and everything
changed. And I mean everything. Put quite simply, I haven't seen or heard
from Jordan in the past forty-five days. And for us that was unheard of. I
had no idea what was going on. He had stopped coming to school, and he
refused to return any of my calls. At first I thought that I had done
something wrong. But then I realized that it wasn't about me.

I have spent the last month and a half crying and trying to figure out what
was wrong. I had no clues, no indications. I knew that he was still alive,
because on the numerous times that I had called his house, his parents had
told me, that he had a problem that he had to sort out, and it was up to
him to tell me, it wasn't their place. That was all they would tell me,
which left me more than slightly annoyed.

But then last night, I received a phone call. I didn't know what to expect
when I said, "Hello?"

I couldn't believe it when I heard his voice; I had almost given up hope on
recovering our friendship. "Jordan, is that really you?" I could tell by
his laugh that Jordan didn't think that I was serious. But the truth was, I
was dead serious. I was finding it so hard to believe that it was actually
him on the other end.

He didn't respond for the longest time, but then finally he said, "Yeah J,
it's me. Look we need to talk; can you come around tomorrow afternoon after
school?" I sighed with relief deeply, as I realized I was finally going to
find out what was going on.

I replied instantly, and I think the speed of it, in fact, startled
Jordan. "Yeah, I sure can. Is there anything you want to tell me now?" I
knew that he was going to say no, but I thought it would be at least worth
a shot.

Jordan seemed to think about it for a while, but then he said in an almost
apologetic tone. "Nah, sorry, I'll wait until I see you tomorrow." I was
disappointed but I told him okay, and then we hung up. And so, the
butterflies in my stomach started.

I was now standing just out the front of Jordan's house. The butterflies
had not gone away; in fact, they had intensified. I could barely stand
still as I readied myself for what was to come. I hadn't stopped jittering
about all day; I just wanted to get the wait over with and find out what it
was that had caused my best friend on the entire planet, to just vanish.

I finally took a few deep breaths, and then I slowly walked up to the front
door and rang the doorbell. I had been to Jordan's house several times. I
had stayed overnight, God only knows how many times. And he had done the
same at mine. Our parents had become good friends over that period of
time. But now as I stood at his door, I wondered whether this would be the
last time.

After what seemed like an eternity, the front door finally opened. Jordan's
younger brother Casey was standing there. He looked surprised to see
me. Jordan has three younger brothers. Casey was thirteen, James was
twelve, and Kevin was ten. The look of surprise was soon replaced by a
grin. "Hey, Jeremy, how you doing?" He held his hand out for me to slap
low-five style.

Casey held the door open for me to step through. Once I was inside I turned
back to the younger boy. "Casey, I'm doing okay thanks. Is your brother
about?" He nodded and pointed to the back of the house where I knew
Jordan's bedroom was. I nodded my thanks and started to make my way down
the hallway.

The house was quiet except for the tele in the lounge room, that I assumed
Casey was watching. Their parents were obviously not at home. I reached the
bedroom door and knocked on it lightly. There was no response for a couple
of seconds, but then I heard a weak reply. "Come in."

What I saw when I opened the door made me gasp. Jordan was lying in the bed
under the covers. But while this surprised me, it wasn't what made me
gasp. His face was as white as a ghost. I knew as soon as I saw him that he
was in trouble. I looked around the room, and aside from the darkness,
there seemed to be nothing that had changed.

I closed the bedroom door and sat on a chair that was next to the
bed. "Jesus Christ, Jordan what's wrong." I didn't mean for it to sound the
way that it came out. He frowned and I saw that he had tears in his eyes.

Jordan took in a deep breath, and then he said. "Jeremy, no one else knows
what I'm about to tell you, except for my family. And that's the way it's
got to stay; okay?" I was shocked by his tone. But I nodded my head, and he
continued. "A little over a month ago, I started feeling really crook. I
went to the doctor, and he did some blood tests."

Jordan was crying heavily now. I didn't know what he was about to tell me,
but seeing him cry so much was having an effect on me. I felt my eyes
prickle as I was on the verge of tears. Jordan sniffled and tried to wipe
his eyes as he finished. "The tests ... they are back ... positive." He
paused as he tried to get his breath. I, on the other hand, started crying
as my stomach fell out and I wanted to vomit. "Jeremy, I'm HIV positive. I
have AIDS."

I had to stop myself from vomiting, as his words truly sank in. I just sat
there, I couldn't move, I couldn't think, and I didn't breathe. It wasn't
until I felt myself short of breath, when I realized I had to
breathe. Jordan was still crying, but I also thought I saw a look of almost
fear cross his face. I wasn't sure what the look meant, but for now the
only thing I could think of was, 'Am I going to lose my best friend?'

We sat there in silence for several minutes. Both of us still shedding
numerous tears. I wanted to say so many different things, but words were
failing me. Because the truth was, I had no idea what the right words were
to say. Finally, the only thing I could manage was. "Oh my God, Jordan, I'm
so sorry."

I felt kind of silly saying it, but I couldn't think of what else to
say. Jordan seemed to be crying more lightly now, and I struggled to get my
emotions back under control. Finally after a further five minutes, Jordan
said, "The doctors say that I only have another month and a half or so to
live. I needed to tell you, well because you're my best friend."

I bowed my head, as the realization truly hit home. When he had said he was
positive I had hoped that it had only just begun, and that he would still
have a while to live. But unfortunately I had been wrong. I just sat there
staring at him, when a question came to me that I was reluctant to ask, but
my curiosity got the better of me. "Jordan, I don't mean to be rude, but
how did you catch it."

I had run several possibilities through my head. But none of them meant
anything compared to the answer he gave me. "You know my cousin Troy?" I
nodded my head. I had met Troy on a few occasions. He was seven years older
then Jordan.

I thought hard about what he was telling me. But then he delivered the
biggest shock of all. "He caught AIDS from some guy he had sex with. And I
caught it off of him." My jaw dropped to the floor. My immediate thought
was that Jordan and Troy had shared drugs. But I was in disbelief, because
Jordan had never touched a single drug while I knew him.

It just didn't make sense. Jordan saw my confusion. And misunderstood it,
but his reaction answered my question all the same. "Dude, please don't
look at me like that; my cousin raped me. I didn't want to do it. I'm not a
faggot. He got me drunk a couple of months ago and he raped me. Then I
found out he was positive. And so I thought I had better have the test as
well."

I could see a mixture of anger, and fear on his face. I couldn't believe
this was all happening. A part of me wanted to walk out of the room and
forget this conversation ever happened. But I knew that Jordan needed me to
support him. As I tried to calm myself, I suddenly realized what he had
said, and suddenly I was angry. "I'll kill the fucker."

Jordan was surprised by my tone as he sadly shook his head. "Please don't;
he feels bad enough as it is. I've belted into him a few times. He hasn't
got long to live either." I couldn't believe that Jordan was making excuses
for the creep. I wasn't happy, but I had to nod my head.

As much as I wanted to kill Troy, I wanted to find him and end his life a
hell of a lot quicker then the disease was going to. But I knew if Jordan
didn't want me to do anything I couldn't. The last thing I wanted to do was
upset him, in the limited amount of time we had left together.

I just sat there, seething silently. Jordan raised himself up so that he
was leaning against the headboard. I could see that even that was a real
struggle for the boy. I felt like crying again just watching him
struggle. Once he was seated and looking at me he said, "Please just
promise to see me as much as you can. You're the best friend that I've ever
had. You're the one I want to spend my last days with."

His words drove me over the edge and I couldn't stop the tears again. I
just completely broke down as I tried to nod. I looked him square in the
eye. "You couldn't keep me away, even if you barred the bedroom door." My
attempt at humor I had thought was lame, but Jordan smiled.

Then he laid his head back down as he said. "I'm sorry, Jeremy, but I'm
really tired. I need to go to sleep. But please keep your promise."

I swore that I would keep it. Then I walked out of his bedroom. As I was
closing the door, I saw him close his eyes. And I wondered how many more
times he could do that before he never opened them again.

******

I tried everything I could to keep the promise that I had made to
Jordan. Over the next month I spent every minute of every day that I
possibly could with him. Even though we couldn't do much because he was so
sick, I would come over after school every day and we would watch movies or
we would play games. A few times we had even gone outside, but these
occasions were rare.

My parents have been great. Once they found out what had happened, they
pretty much let me spend as much time as I wanted with Jordan, as long as I
still went to school, and didn't fall behind with the work. This was more
then reasonable for me.

I spent every afternoon and evening at Jordan's place. And spent many a
night there over the weekends. But I knew it wasn't going to last long. I
knew that the clock was running out on my best friend. I not only knew it
mentally, but I could see that he was physically weakening with every day
that passed. And seeing this was killing me inside.

According to the doctors, he had only two or three weeks left to live. The
doctors and nurses who had been helping him when he was first diagnosed,
had given up, and told his parents that there was nothing else they could
do. Jordan's parents had taken it a lot better then I had expected. I guess
they, themselves, had all but given up hope.

I found out that Jordan hadn't told his parents the truth about what had
happened. I had been shocked, but again he defended his cousin's actions. I
was in disbelief, but he had made me swear that I wouldn't tell. So I had
gone along with his lie that he had caught it while sharing a needle. I was
skeptical as to whether his parents actually believed him or not, but no
one said anything. I decided that it wasn't my place.

I had no reason to suspect that this day was going to be any different. But
there was something deep in my gut that told me maybe it was. It was a
feeling I wasn't entirely comfortable with.

I rang Jordan's doorbell. It was a pretty warm afternoon, and I was only in
a pair of denim shorts and a t-shirt. But even in the little clothing I was
wearing, I had started to work up some sweat on the walk over to his
house. I wiped my forehead with the sleeve of my shirt as I waited for
someone to answer the door.

Finally, after about a minute or so, the door opened to Casey's sad
eyes. He was the one who answered the door more often then not on these
visits, because his parents were normally out until dinnertime. At first I
had found this odd, because it left Casey to look after his older
brother. But if there was one thing I had learnt over this last month, it
was just how mature Casey was for his age.

Even when I was there to help out, Casey was willing to do anything that
Jordan needed. I had always liked Casey, but I liked him a hell of a lot
more, now that I had seen him care for his older brother.

Casey's face lit up when he saw it was me. He opened the door right up and
held it open for me to step through. As I did, I patted him on the back,
almost in a half hug. It was something I had started doing over the last
couple of weeks, without really being sure why. "Hey, Casey, how's things?"
The question was really a lot of questions wrapped into one.

Casey knew this as he slowly nodded his head. "You know, I'm doing okay and
... well ... I guess Jordan must be feeling okay."

The way he had said it made me look at him in confusion. Casey saw this and
let a slight smile play across his lips. "He told me to tell you to meet
him at the creek." Now this was a surprise.

Out back of Jordan's house there was a massive paddock, full of ... well
... realistically, nothing. We still don't know for sure who owns it; there
are some cows in there, but they don't seem to belong to anyone. When we
were younger we used to go roaming through it to see what we could find,
which for the most part was nothing.

However, there was one thing we found that to us was of interest. About
eight hundred meters west of Jordan's house, there was a small creek. It
didn't go very far, but we had thought it was cool. So, two summers ago we
built a small fort. It wasn't anything special; it was just a place that we
boys could go and chill out without the parents.

I knew that Jordan must be at the fort. We hadn't really used it much in
the last six months or so, and I was surprised that he would go
there. Especially given how sick he was. But I wasn't planning to tell him
to go back to the house.

I nodded to Casey, and then made my way towards the back door. Once I
reached the door, I turned back to Casey and saw that he had a distant look
in his eyes as he watched me walk out the door. I found this strange, but
didn't question him.

Instead, I closed the back door, and made my way across the back lawn. As I
was walking across I thought about why Jordan would be down there; it
didn't make sense to me. But I thought that maybe he just wanted to see the
fort one last time before he died.

Once I reached the fence that separated Jordan's yard from the paddock, I
took one final deep breath, then slid the loose boards aside and climbed
through the opening. The paddock itself didn't look any different from the
last time I had been there, but still there was something subtle that
seemed different about it.

I shrugged my shoulders and made my way towards the creek. I couldn't hear
any noises except for the occasional chirping of birds, and as far as I
could see, there was nothing or anyone around.

I was nearly at the creek when I saw movement just through some trees. I
figured it must be Jordan. I walked slowly through the trees, and was
standing in the clearing that held our fort.

Jordan hadn't noticed me yet, so I crept up behind him as silently as I
could, and as I placed an arm around his shoulder I said, "Hey, buddy,
what's up?" Jordan nearly jumped a foot. When he spun around he looked like
he had seen a ghost. And I immediately regretted what I had done.

Jordan was short of breath. He looked at me as though I had lost the
plot. I tried to smile, but I just felt bad. "I'm sorry, dude, I shouldn't
have done that." Jordan didn't say anything; he just gave me an evil glare,
and then turned back to the creek.

As we stood there in silence, I wondered what was going on inside of his
head. He seemed so sad—sadder, than usual. Finally, after what seemed
like an eternity, he said in a quiet tone without facing me, "I've been
doing a lot of thinking, and I realize ... I'm scared, mate."

I waited for him to say more, but after a moment I realized that he wasn't
going to. I bit my lower lip as I tried to think of the best thing to say
next. I tried to look him in the eyes, but he seemed to be trying to avoid
mine. So I just said. "You're scared? Jordan ... of course you're scared. I
can't even begin to imagine how scared you actually are."

Jordan seemed to think about what I had said, and then he turned and faced
me. We just stood there looking at each other without saying anything. Then
he looked me square in the eye and said. "It's not what you think. I mean,
sure, I'm scared of dying. But it's more than that."

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I noticed that he had tears in
his eyes, and I couldn't resist anymore. I stepped to him and wrapped him
in a deep embrace. It wasn't that we didn't hug from time to time; it was
just that since I had found out about his disease, I had been afraid I
would hurt him more.

Jordan sighed and leaned into me; we were standing there, at the edge of
the creek, just holding each other. It felt so incredible, and I felt
something inside of me that I hadn't felt in nearly a year. Something that
I thought I had gotten out of my system a long time ago.

When I had turned thirteen, I had discovered two very shocking facts about
myself. Two facts that I swore would never be found out by anyone,
especially not my best friend. The first was that I liked other boys. I
liked them; I loved to look at them at school. I loved to look at them
wherever I could find them. But more devastating than that was the fact
that I realized, of all the boys I liked, there was one I liked more than
anyone else.

When I had realized that I had a crush on Jordan, I freaked. I didn't know
what I should do. I knew that I couldn't tell him. Jordan had shown me
numerous times that he hated gays. It wasn't anything he had done, but
things he said, directly and indirectly, that made me certain he would hate
me. So I had decided the only thing I could do was to ignore my
feelings. As difficult as it was, I tried to ignore it, and after a year I
was sure I had no feelings for Jordan whatsoever, 'But why am I doing all
this for him, now?'

That was, at least, until I was standing there by the creek holding him. I
felt those old almost-forgotten feelings starting to slowly come back. They
were so intense, in fact, that I felt myself slowly start to stiffen. I
decided to break the hold to avoid him feeling what was happening. When I
released him and tried to step away without him knowing something was
wrong, I saw that he was crying.

It took every bit of self-control in my body, not to go back to him. But I
knew the risk was too great. Jordan turned away from me and tried to swipe
at his tears. I looked at him as every little bit of my heart
shattered. "Jordan, what do you mean it's more than just you dying? What
else are you scared of?"

Jordan didn't reply for a few minutes, and when he finally did, he turned
to me and it looked as though he was going to pass out. I was worried for a
moment that he was actually going to fall, but I soon realized he looked
that way only because of his illness. "I don't know how to explain it; I
guess it's that I don't want to die without..."

He looked as though he was uncertain whether or not he should finish what
he was about to say. I had no idea what it was he was trying to say, but I
knew that I had to let him do it, so I waited patiently for him to
continue.

For a while, I didn't think that he was going to finish—that he was just
going to leave it as it was. I tried to silently encourage him to say
whatever was on his mind. Finally after what seemed like forever, he said,
"Look. I'm afraid that I'm going to die without finding out the truth."

Now I was even more confused than before. I didn't have the slightest clue
what he was talking about. 'The truth about what?' I wasn't sure what I
should say, but he seemed to be waiting for me to say something. I said the
only thing that I could think of. "Okay, Jordan, I'm confused; what are you
talking about?"

Jordan again just stood there silently I could tell that he was fighting an
inner struggle against himself. Finally he said it, but when he did he
sounded almost angry. "Goddammit, Jeremy, don't you get it?"

Then, completely without warning, he swung around and before I had a chance
to react he planted a kiss right on my lips. My automatic instinct was
panic, as I remembered he had Aids. But I knew I couldn't catch it from
just kissing. Well, at least I was pretty certain you couldn't.

Once I had realized this, I set my mind to returning the kiss. We kissed
for what seemed like an eternity but was only a moment.  I had wanted to do
this for so long. It was the most incredible feeling I'd ever had in my
life. I didn't ever want it to end, but I knew that it would.

Finally, when Jordan broke the kiss, he gave me a grin as he said. "Well, I
guess I now have my answer." I still wasn't sure that I followed, but I had
a feeling I knew. It made me more than slightly curious about a few things,
but I decided they could wait.

I was so eager to kiss him again, but I decided against it. "Jordan that
was incredible. Um, what does this mean?" He was looking back out at the
creek, but this time I could see a slight smile on his face.

Eventually, he turned to me and said with a frown, "It means that I finally
find out the guy that I've loved for the last four years likes me, too. But
it's too late 'cause I'm going to cark it in less than a month."

The brutality of his words really hit me. But I realized that it was the
truth, and when I realized this, I had tears in my eyes. We just stood
there staring at each other. Then I walked to him and wrapped him in a deep
hug. "I can't believe you like me as well. I was so afraid that you would
hate me if I told you how I feel about you."

Jordan looked at me, surprised, and then a light seemed to go off inside
his head. "I guess I've given you reason to think that." I was glad he
understood what I was talking about.

I nodded my head and then placed my arm around his shoulder again. "Yeah,
but it's okay; I understand why you did it. Now I think we should probably
go back inside, before your parents kill me for letting you out.

I smiled to let him know I was joking about the parent's part. But we made
our way back through the paddock and towards the house. I wondered what
there was left that we could do now.

******

The next week was more difficult than I had expected. Finding out that
Jordan had feelings for me, made it a lot harder to accept his dying. I
thought I had managed to learn to cope as best I could. But finding out
what I did, made it all the more difficult.

The Thursday after our meeting at the creek, Jordan was admitted into
hospital. The doctors told his parents and me, that he wouldn't leave. They
tried their best to make it sound okay, but we knew they had done
everything they possibly could. The only reason he was there was so that
they could make sure nothing else went wrong.

I thought that it would be better if he spent the last days of his life at
his home. But in the end, his parents agreed with the doctors. I spent
every night at the hospital with him while he was there. My parents would
come in and see us, but they pretty much left me alone. Even though I
wasn't attending school for the full days. I was desperate to spend as much
time as possible with Jordan. And sitting in classes was just driving me
insane.

I was at the hospital and it was just after eight in the evening. I was
totally exhausted, so I had promised my parents that I would come home
tonight. But I had told them I would be back late; they understood, and
even gave me money to pay for a cab home so I didn't have to walk.

Jordan's parents had gone home to tend to the other children, but were due
to be back about nine. Jordan's condition was so bad now that he couldn't
get out of the hospital bed. In fact, he could barely move at all.

Watching your best friend and semi-lover slowly die, is a pain I couldn't
describe in a million years. It was so heart breaking, watching the way he
interacted with his parents. His parents were incredible. They were always
trying to brighten him up, and even though they knew the inevitable, they
were trying to remain positive.

I stirred in a chair next to Jordan's bed and we were talking in quiet
voices. Mostly we were just talking about the different things we had done
together as kids. It was good to have a bit of a laugh, and Jordan was
certainly enjoying it. And so was I because it was so good to see Jordan
smiling.

But after a little while, Jordan got quiet. I had to look to make sure he
was still awake. But his eyes were wide open and he was staring at me. As I
was staring into his eyes, I couldn't help myself; I slowly leaned down and
lightly brushed his lips with my own. As soon as they touched, I felt his
open, and my tongue started exploring the cavity of his mouth.

By the time I broke the kiss, I had a raging hardon, and it didn't take
much effort to realise that Jordan was in the same state. As I looked down
at the hospital sheet that was covering his crotch, and saw an obvious
tent. I let a small smile play across my lips. Jordan saw the smile, and
looked to where I was staring and at first he looked embarrassed, but then
realising the state I was in, he grinned as well.

I didn't say anything as I slowly lifted the sheet. Jordan didn't protest
in the slightest. Nor did he complain when I slid my hand under the gown
that the hospital was making him wear. As I did, I realised that he had no
underwear on because my hand came into contact with the naked flesh of his
testicles.

I immediately set to work, massaging first his ballsac and then moving
upwards and beginning to stroke his hard shaft. Without looking at it I
guessed it to be just over six inches. Perfect in every meaning of the
word. He was uncut and I was having a field day pulling back the foreskin
and running my fingers over his exposed head.

Jordan was looking like he had gone to heaven. He tried to keep his moans
low, but it was becoming more difficult the longer I played. After a bit, I
slid the gown up so that I could now see him in his beauty as I worked on
his penis.

After about five minutes of this, Jordan couldn't keep from, then he said
as quietly as he could manage. "God, Jeremy, I'm gonna blow." I was so in
ecstasy over what was happening, I realised that this may be my only chance
to do this with Jordan before he died.

Without really thinking about what I was doing. I leaned over and sank my
lips around his cock. Jordan shot up in the bed, which caused him great
pain. But he didn't care as he whispered. "Oh my God Jeremy, what are
you... Ahhh fuck here it comes. I'm coming." And then in one glorious
moment, I saw what heaven was really all about as I felt my throat flood
with his thick boy-cum.

There was so much I almost felt like I was drowning but I didn't care. It
just felt so incredible. After we finally recovered, I pulled his gown back
down and replaced the sheet, so that it looked like nothing had happened.

Jordan wanted to return the favour to me, but before we got a chance, his
younger brother knocked on the door, and entered the hospital room. We sat
around and talked for a little while, but I had to get home; otherwise, my
parents were going to be pissed.

Leaving that night was extremely difficult, because I had a feeling deep
down inside it might be the last time. I tried not to cry, but Jordan
started when I said I had to leave, and pretty soon we were both in tears.
I hugged him and told him I would see him in the morning. It sounded so
ridiculous, but it was all that I could do.

As I was leaving hospital I was thinking of how badly I wanted to just take
his sickness within myself and be his CURE.

******

Jordan passed away three hours after I left the hospital that night. His
Mother rang me at half past one in the morning. I was numb. Even though I
had expected it, I still couldn't cope with it.

The knock on the door came as more than a slight surprise. It was three
days after Jordan had passed away, and I had barely left my bedroom, let
alone the house. I couldn't explain it, but my emotions were haywire. I
didn't know what I felt. I didn't know what I wanted.

At first I thought I wanted to die, but then I realised that that wasn't
it. In fact, there wasn't even the slightest desire to do so. Luckily. I
just felt completely numb, like I didn't feel anything. I felt empty.

I hadn't been to school since it had happened; I hadn't seen any of my
friends. I had barely even seen my family. They were pretty much leaving me
alone, sending meals up to me, just to make sure that I ate. I was eating,
which I thought was a good sign. But I just couldn't figure out what it was
that I was feeling.

My family has been so good to me, just giving me space, which was why the
knock on the door puzzled me so much. I looked at the time; it was just
after eight in the evening. It was Thursday, and Jordan's funeral was set
for Monday morning.

After I got stock of myself, I called out for whoever it was to enter. Dad
opened the door and barely held it open enough for me to see him standing
there, holding the phone. "Jeremy, someone is on the phone, and he said it
was urgent."

I was shocked. Why was someone calling me on the landline instead of my
mobile? Especially if it was urgent. I walked over to my bedroom door and
took the phone from Dad thanking him and then I closed the door. I waited
to make sure that he had gone away before I placed the phone to my ear and
said, "Hello."

I didn't know what or who to expect, but I sure as hell didn't expect Casey
to be on the other end. Jordan's younger brother sounded so quiet and so
sad when he spoke that I was certain he was crying. "Jeremy, I didn't know
who else to call. I... I..."

Once I got over the initial shock, I slipped into panic mode. I could tell
that something was seriously wrong. "Casey ... what's going on? What's
wrong?" He didn't respond for a minute and my panic went into overdrive.
"Where are your parents, Casey? What's going on?"

I could hear the tears and I could feel the pain. My mind was flashing with
scenarios. Finally, after a small eternity, Casey answered but when he did,
I didn't feel any better. "They went out to dinner, but I didn't. I'm
alone. I'm sorry, Jeremy; I needed to talk to someone."

I was still thinking of the worst and was trying to decide what the best
thing was that I could do. "Hey, Casey, you know you can call me anytime;
do you want to talk now, or do you want me to come over." I thought it
sounded desperate, but the situation that was running through my head
called for the most desperate actions.

All these thoughts were running through my head when I heard something that
made my blood turn to ice. I wasn't certain but it sounded like a pistol
being cocked. I stopped breathing as I leapt off my bed and raced to my
bedroom door. "Casey! NO! don't!"

I was already in tears when I made my way to the staircase. I wasn't
thinking of anything else, except for the fact that I needed to get to his
house. I was lucky that they only lived a block away, but I hoped that I
could move fast enough to stop him from doing anything stupid.

I raced down the stairs, taking them four or five at a time. Then I raced
through the hallway and out the front door within seconds. "Casey, I'm on
my way. Please don't do anything until I get there."

Dad noticed me running out the house and yelled, as he followed me, "That's
the house phone, not your mobile."

Realizing that the range on it would drop out long before I made it to
Casey's house, I started to run as I said. "Casey, I'll be there in a
minute." Then before I could say anything else, the phone beeped and cut
out. I dropped it on the footpath, without breaking stride and continued on
my way. I didn't see where it landed, but I knew Dad would be looking for
it, at least I hoped so.

I was at Casey's house within a minute; I saw that his bedroom light was
on. I didn't know whether this was a good sign or not, but I didn't stop to
think about it as I raced up the porch and knocked on the door. I wasn't
really expecting him to answer and I was about to see if it was unlocked.

The door suddenly opened and Casey practically leaped out at me, wrapping
his arms around me. I was so surprised that I had to struggle to keep my
balance. I rocked onto my back foot, and wrapped him in as tight a hug as I
could manage.

We stood on his porch for at least five minutes. Neither of us said
anything, but I could tell that he was crying and so was I. We didn't need
to say anything; this was just our chance to let out all our emotions over
what had happened.

Finally Casey looked up at me and said through his tears, "Thanks, Jeremy,
I was desperate."

I just hugged him tighter and he rested his head on my shoulder. While I
was holding him, I quickly looked at him and was relieved to see that he
didn't have a gun on him.

After another five minutes or so, I said. "How about let's go inside and
talk?" Casey just nodded and we walked into the house, still holding each
other, and I closed the door. Once that was done we sat down on the couch.

As we sat down I said. "All right, Casey, I need to know ... where is the
gun?" Casey looked scared for a few moments and then he looked
ashamed. "It's okay; you'll be okay; I just need to know for safety
reasons." Casey looked sad but he got up and walked out of the room.

Once he was gone I sighed heavily with relief. I just sat back and tried
not to think of what may have happened. After a minute or so, Casey came
back into the room looking sheepish, carrying a pistol. He looked at it for
a few seconds and then handed it to me.

I accepted the gun and then checked the chamber; there was only one bullet
in it. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself. "Casey, where did you get
this from?"

I figured that it was his dad's but I wanted to make sure, because I
planned on returning the gun to its spot before Casey's parents got home,
hopefully meaning they wouldn't need to know that it had been taken in the
first place. But Casey's answer posed a problem. "When Jordan died I was in
his room and found it, I didn't want Mum and Dad to find it, so I hid it in
my closet."

I was speechless, not only at Casey for hiding the gun, but because Jordan
had had a gun. 'How long had he had it? Why did he have it?' I wondered
whether he had gotten it after he was diagnosed with AIDS, and had been
thinking about ending the agony. I couldn't exactly say that I would have
blamed him.

Casey seemed to sense what I was thinking about. "I don't know when he got
it, but I think it might have been before he got AIDS." I was surprised by
this. But he seemed fairly confident, so it made me more then slightly
curious.

I placed the gun on the floor in front of the couch, for now, as I looked
Casey in the eye and asked, "Why do you say that you think he bought it
... BEFORE? I mean you said you just found it."

Casey nodded his agreement as he slowly eyed the gun. I noticed this but
left it alone. "Yeah, I did only just find it, but ... well, Jordan talked
to me a couple of times, when he was upset and ..." He suddenly clamed up
and didn't want to say anymore.

I was dying to ask more questions but I soon realised that he wasn't going
to want to talk about it anymore. So I changed the subject onto why I was
there. "Okay, Casey, so what's going on? Why did you call me?"

I looked at Casey to tell him I wasn't upset about him calling me. He
frowned and looked down at the floor. Then when he looked back up at me, he
was crying again. He tried to speak but couldn't; he was sobbing; I slid
over on the couch and hugged him; he again buried his head in my shoulder
and continued to cry.

Despite the fact that I needed to know what it was that caused him to call
me, I knew that I had to let him let his emotions out first. So I sat as
patiently as I could and I waited for him to finish crying. I was surprised
when he said, "I miss him, Jeremy, I miss him a lot. I just wish I could
have taken away his sickness and cured him."

That was enough for me. I broke down again as well. We just sat there
crying and hugging each other. I couldn't believe that it had taken
something that simple to break me. While I had cried earlier this was
different; it was almost as though we were literally sharing the thoughts
and pain.

I tried to wipe my eyes as I said, "I do, too, Casey; of course you're
going to miss him; you wouldn't be human if you didn't. He was your
brother, and he got taken away when you barely even knew him; it sucks. It
really does, but what you were going to do tonight isn't the solution."

I had no idea where that little pep talk had come from, but I had to admit
it sounded good. I was actually quietly proud of myself for my choice of
words. Casey was thinking about what I had said. He still had his head
lowered, so when he whispered, I could barely hear him. "I loved him so
much, and when he got sick, I tried so hard to help him. I was hoping I
could make him better. But now he's gone. it didn't work."

I let out a sigh. It all made sense now. I remembered how incredible Casey
had been while Jordan had been sick. I bit my bottom lip as I hugged him
against my chest. I was holding him so tight that I barely had to lower my
mouth to speak into his ear. "Casey you couldn't have done anything, more
than you did. Because of you, your parents didn't have to be with him every
minute of every day."

I paused to let my words sink in. After a minute he slowly raised his head
and looked at me. "Really? You mean I did a good job?" I couldn't help but
smile at him. I realised that I was saying exactly what he needed to
hear. And it didn't bother me in the slightest. Because it was the truth.

I could tell that Casey was starting to slowly calm down. He had stopped
crying mostly, just slight whimpering. I smiled at him as I said, "Casey,
you were the perfect brother for him, and he loved you for that." The look
he gave me after I said that made me think he was going to cry again, but
after a moment he grinned.

As soon as I saw that grin I knew that it was going to be okay. I was so
happy to see him smile.

"Thanks, Jeremy, I'm sorry that I had the gun." He looked at the weapon
sitting on the floor, and then reached his foot over and kicked it away
from the couch.

As he did, his bare leg rubbed against my thigh. His leg was bare because
he was only wearing a shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. When his leg
brushed up against mine, although it was by accident, I felt my penis
stiffen slightly.

This fact surprised me; not to say Casey wasn't cute, but I didn't normally
go for boys two years younger then me. Casey resumed his seat next to me,
and I tried to take my mind out of the gutter. "Casey, I'm just glad that
you called me; if you ever need to talk, and I mean EVER, even if it's
three in the morning, please call me. I'm not a genius, but at least we can
talk. Okay?"

Casey nodded his head. I sighed with relief; I knew that this situation
could have gone so much worse. But it looked as though, at least for the
time being, it was going to be okay. I could still see a sadness in Casey's
eyes that I knew I probably had behind mine, but for now, it was okay.

I made a silent promise that I would do whatever it took to try and get
Casey and his family through the next few weeks, with as little pain as
possible. Casey suddenly shot his head up and looked at me frightened. "Are
you gonna tell my parents about this?"

The question surprised me, because I hadn't thought about what I was going
to tell his parents, if anything. I didn't want to alarm them, but I also
didn't want it to go unnoticed.

After several moments of deliberation, I decided to leave it up to him.
"Look; it's up to you; if you want to tell them, I can be here, but if you
don't tell them, then you have to promise me that if this ever happens
again ... YOU will tell them."

Casey thought about this for several moments and then finally he nodded.
"Okay, and thanks for not telling them." As he finished, we heard a car
pull into the driveway. Now we had a problem.

If Casey didn't want his parents knowing about his suicide attempt, then we
had to come up with a good reason why I was here. But more than that I had
to get rid of the gun. Without saying anything, Casey got up and picked it
up and raced up the stairs, while I could hear a key turning in the lock.

As Casey's Dad opened the door, I only had one idea of why I was there. I
thought I could make it work; after all it wasn't entirely false. When
Mr. Sinclair had the door open, he looked up in surprise at me. "Jeremy, my
dear boy."

He left the door open and strode over to me wrapping me in a massive
hug. It felt so good. Mrs. Sinclair had come in the door, and upon seeing
me she came over and hugged me as well.

After they were done hugging me, they asked me why I was there. Casey was
coming downstairs, and looked at me pleadingly as I answered. "I came over
to see you, see how you were doing. I'm sorry I haven't done it sooner,
but..." I wasn't really putting on an act, because I had been worried about
them as well.

The Sinclair's loved it but as they both hugged me again, then we sat down
and talked for about an hour about Jordan and everything to do with
him. Casey came in and joined us. He sat on the couch next to me, and a
couple of times he hugged me. I was surprised but his parents didn't say
anything.

The longer the conversation went on, the closer the boy seemed to be
getting to me; I knew it was just my wild imagination at work, but it
didn't stop me from getting a boner.

Finally I decided it was getting late and I had better head home, but then
when I looked at my watch I saw that it was after one in the morning, and I
knew it was too late. Luckily Mr. Sinclair saw me look, and said, "It's too
late for you to go home Jeremy, stay here tonight."

I was slightly reluctant, because I was afraid they were going to put me in
Jordan's old room, and I wasn't sure whether I could handle that. Casey
seemed to sense my hesitation and said, "You can sleep in my room. James
isn't here so I'll sleep in his bed and you can sleep in mine.

I wasn't sure how many other options I had, so when his parents told me
that was fine, I reluctantly agreed. Casey seemed ecstatic, which surprised
me, but I didn't comment on it as I said goodnight to the adults and we
headed up to Casey's bedroom.

Once we were in the room and the door was closed, I pulled off my shirt,
and pants. I was only standing in my boxers, I noticed that Casey had been
watching me as I stripped, when I realised this, I felt myself getting
hard, so I tried to ignore it as I crawled into Casey's bed.

Casey pulled off his own shirt, and then made his way to James' bed, but I
said, "Casey, there's plenty of room in this one; you can sleep here if you
want." I wasn't sure what drove me to say it, but his face lit up as he
crawled in next to me.

I reached over and switched off the light. We lay there in silence as I
tried to let sleep overtake me. But it wasn't going to come easily.

After about fifteen minutes, Casey, who I had been sure was asleep,
suddenly said, "Jeremy, are you awake?"

I rolled over so that I was facing him; his eyes were fixed on mine. "Yeah,
buddy, what's wrong?"

He didn't respond straight away as he seemed to be choosing his words. Then
he said in a hushed tone, "I want you to know, that I know about you and my
brother."

I was speechless. How could he have known? I knew that Jordan never told
him anything about us, or at least I was fairly certain that he didn't.
"What do you mean, you know about us?"

Casey gave me a look that seemed to tell me not to treat him like an idiot.
"I saw you in the hospital. I walked in, and saw you playing with him. So I
walked out until you were done."

You could have knocked me out with a wet paper towel. I didn't know what to
say. I couldn't tell from his expression what he was feeling, but I was
terrified of what he was going to do.

Casey seemed to be watching my reaction, then he said, "Don't worry; I'm
not going to tell anyone. I know how much he loved you, and I know you
loved him, too. I've known that for ages."

He seemed as though he wanted to say more, but then didn't. He just lay
there waiting for me to speak. Finally, I recovered enough to say, "You
knew for ages; I wish I had known."

At first, Casey looked as thought he didn't understand. But then a little
grin came to his lips as he said, "Yeah, I think Jordan was thinking the
same thing. I'm just glad you got a chance before he died."

I couldn't resist. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him to me. Casey
melted into me, as we just lay there hugging each other. I couldn't explain
it but the moment just felt so perfect and I felt myself start to stiffen.

Casey looked at me and I knew he had felt it as well. He didn't say
anything for several moments as we just looked at each other. Then he said
really quietly, "Jeremy, I know I'm not my brother, and you could never
like me like you did him, but..."

Casey couldn't finish what he was saying but he didn't need to. I leaned in
and kissed him on the lips. He didn't even flinch as he began to return the
kiss. It felt so incredible.

After a minute we broke the kiss, and I could feel his little boner poking
me through his boxers. I just looked at him and asked, "Are you sure you
want this?"

Casey slid his hand down and lightly gripped the head of my engorged cock
head, which was poking through the fly of my boxers. I moaned as he flipped
open the button and got a handful of meat.

Within seconds I had his boxers pulled down and was fondling his three and
a half inches. I kissed him again as we continued playing. The taste of his
lips was so wonderful.

But the feeling of kissing him was nothing compared to the feeling when he
whispered, "I want to do to you what you did for my brother." Then before I
could respond, he slid down the bed and was lying face-to-cock with me.

I got my bearings pretty quickly, and before he could start, I swiveled
around on the bed so that I was also lying with his crotch in my face.

Then, without hesitation, I swallowed him whole; his boyness tasted so
sweet. In fact, so good words couldn't describe it. I sucked on it for all
it was worth.

Casey seemed to only hesitate for a moment, before he began to slowly work
my cock into his mouth. On the first stroke, he choked a little. I raised
my head and said, "Hey, hey, don't try and swallow it all on you're first
go. Just take it easy."

Casey looked up at me and smiled. Then he lowered his mouth back down, and
this time he let it slide. Damn!!! He took five inches of it on his second
go; that was impressive.

I instantly felt my balls tingling. As much as I wanted to hold off, I knew
it was going to be impossible. I moaned several times and then I couldn't
stop. "Casey, I'm gonna shoot any second." I kind of expected him to pull
off, but he didn't. Within seconds I groaned and let loose with a good six
volleys of boy-sperm.

I couldn't believe it as I watched Casey swallow every single drop. As soon
as he had an empty mouth, he groaned, "Jeremy, please don't stop." I had
stopped sucking him while I enjoyed my own orgasm. But I quickly swallowed
him to the hilt.

Almost as soon as I did, he moaned and groaned. Then I felt him
shuddering. And I suddenly realised that he wasn't shooting cum yet. I was
only a bit disappointed. But then ... as he was starting to slow down, he
fired a small amount. Only about a teaspoon worth, but it tasted
incredible.

Once I was sure that he was done, I turned back around and still with the
cum that he had shot in my mouth; I kissed him. His eyes opened wide as he
tasted his own cum, but he swallowed it all the same, and then we kissed
passionately.

Once we broke the kiss he said, "That's the first time I've ever shot
anything. I've been waiting forever for that to happen. Thank you."

I smiled. I couldn't believe he was thanking me.  "Don't thank me, Casey;
that was fan-fuckin'-tastic." I kissed him again and we lay back on the bed
just enjoying the kiss.

When we broke the kiss, Casey looked at me with sad eyes. "Look, Jeremy, I
know I can't replace Jordan, but..."

I placed my finger on his lips to hush him. Then I said seriously, "Casey,
you don't have to replace Jordan. I love you for being Casey."

And I realised that it was the truth.

******

My emotions were an absolute wreck. I honestly wanted to be happy, and
celebrate Jordan's great life, but all I could do was cry as I thought
about what had been lost. I guess this happens to most people at a funeral,
but for me this was my first one, and it was all extremely new to me. I
just hoped that it would be the only one I had to attend for a long time.

The funeral service itself had gone off great. All of Jordan's family and
friends were there, including a lot of school kids, who, while I wouldn't
have called them friends exactly, it was good of them to come. Everyone
tried to give me my distance while still paying respect.

The service ended, and we were out in the cemetery burying his body, in a
really grand coffin. I had been with his parents when they had chosen it;
they had certainly made a fine choice.

Over the last four days, I had been helping the family arrange things as
much as possible. I never realised planning a funeral involved so much. But
I was glad to be able to help, because it helped me not to think about what
had happened.

Casey was trying to give me distance. I didn't know what to do. I knew I
had feelings for him, and I now was certain that he had feelings for me as
well. But I still had major problems; he was only thirteen, and he was the
brother of my deceased best friend.

When we had awoken the morning after our encounter, I had told him I needed
time to think. He had been fine with it, and we still talked, but not about
that.

I had decided that I would try and make a decision after the funeral was
over. But I still had no idea what I should do. I knew what I should do,
but I also knew what I wanted to do. It was going to be a struggle.

After the coffin was lowered into the ground and the dirt was replaced,
people started to slowly make their way back to their cars.

I was standing looking down at the grave when Mrs. Sinclair walked up to me
and hugged me. She then said, "Look, Jeremy ... before Jordan died, he told
us to give you this. He said that only after he was buried, was I to get it
to you." She handed me an envelope. Then she walked away towards her
husband. I was to meet them back at the house for the wake.

I looked at the envelope and saw my name on the front in Jordan's
handwriting. I ripped open the envelope, and inside was a letter.

Dear Jeremy,

This letter is to tell you all of the things that I didn't have the guts to
tell you to your face. If you are reading this, then my day has
come. Please don't be sad. I knew that it was going to happen, and I trust
that you did as well.

Jeremy, you are the best friend that I have ever had and the best friend
that I could have ever wished for. I am the luckiest person on Earth, just
to have known you. Your heart will take you to great places. Please, just
don't hold it too close.

There is something I have wanted to tell you for quite a few years now. But
I was too scared to say. Because I was certain that you would never want to
be my friend again if I did tell you. I am now going to tell you, hoping
that it won't tarnish your memories of me. But I have to say it, because it
is unfair if I take this secret to the grave with me.

Jeremy, I am gay. I have known that I was, since I was twelve. Ever since I
realised that I had feelings for my best friend, a feeling that no boy was
supposed to have towards another boy. Feelings I couldn't explain, but I
couldn't ignore them, either.

It hasn't been easy for me to deal with these feelings. But I knew that I
had to control them if I wanted to stay friends with you, which meant more
to me than anything else in the whole world. Jeremy, I love you as a
friend, a brother, and a whole lot more. But more than anything else, I
loved you because you are one of a kind.

Please do not let this information destroy your memories of our
friendship. I'm sorry I kept it a secret. But the pain I went through was
nothing compared to the pain I would have felt if I had have lost you.

I will never forget you; please don't forget me.

I love you.  Jordan

"He wrote that letter the day before he told you he had AIDS." The
voice. It was the last person I wanted to speak to right now. And as I spun
around to face him, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I could only think
of one thing. I screamed. "You son of a bitch; you killed him." And as I
finished saying it, I swung my left fist at his head and connected.

Even though he was eight years older then me and nearly twice my size, Troy
fell to the ground, I knew I had quite a powerful punch, and I had
channeled all of my pent-up anger and used it to hit him. He wasn't knocked
out, but he was certainly stunned.

I wanted to do so much more to him, but as I stood over him I just glared
at him. I remembered my promise to Jordan and tried to control my anger. I
glared down at him and said. "You come near me again and I will kill you a
lot quicker than that ever will." I pointed at some form of needle I could
see in his belt. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it had something to
do with the AIDS.

Again I wanted to say more, but instead, I spat on the ground next to him,
sending a message and turned to walk away. I noticed that Casey was
standing about twenty feet away and had watched the whole thing. He looked
sad, but he seemed to nod at me.

I was starting to walk away when I heard Troy say, "Jeremy, I'm sorry he
died as well, but I..."

I turned to look at him, and could see that he had started crying. I didn't
know what to say or do. I wasn't used to adults crying, especially males. I
wanted to hate him so much that seeing him cry really confused me.

I didn't walk to him; I just stood, standing where I was, as I asked, "If
you didn't want him to die, then why the hell did you do what you did?"

Troy looked down at the grass around him, then he looked back up at
me. "It's not what you think. Please just read this." He pulled another
envelope out, similar to the one that I had just read.

I looked at it and said, "What is it?"

Troy looked hesitant and then started to slowly walk towards me. At first,
I backed away, but then I stopped as I waited to see what he had.

When Troy was standing face to face with me, he held out the
envelope. "Jordan gave this to me, the day before he went to hospital for
the last time. He told me to give it to you. He also told me what he told
you; I understand why he did it."

I wasn't sure whether I believed him, but when I saw the envelope had my
name on it, again in Jordan's handwriting, I decided that I had to at least
see what this one said. But first, I had a question. "Why would he give you
things to give to me, when he gave the other letter to his parents?"

Troy didn't even flinch as he replied, "Because he was afraid his parents
were going to read the letter. The one he gave them only had stuff in it he
didn't care if his parents knew. This one is more personal."

I nodded, it made sense I supposed. I looked at the envelope and then
looked at Troy. He got the idea and walked away so that I could have
privacy to read the letter.

I took a deep breath and opened the envelope. When I looked inside, I found
the expected letter, but I also found what looked to be a necklace. I
grabbed out the letter and began to read.

Jeremy,

Well, this is going to be interesting. I assume that you got the other
letter that I left with my parents. I also realise that you knew how I felt
about you before you read it. I wanted you to read that letter though. But
this letter is the really important one. This letter is me coming
completely clean, on what happened in my life. I should warn you though.
This is not going to be pretty.

First and foremost, Troy didn't rape me. God, he would never dream of doing
something so evil. Troy is the greatest cousin that I have ever had. He's
been there for me so much when I was growing up. He helped me out so
much. He's been like my idol for the longest time. When he got AIDS, he
told me and I balled my eyes out for a week straight.

I know you're wondering why I would lie. I did lie but only half of what I
said was a lie. Well all right ... most it was. I did catch the disease
from having sex with Troy. But it certainly wasn't rape. Well maybe it was,
but if it was, it was me raping him and not the other way around. Troy
didn't want to have sex with me. I had to blackmail him.

I won't go into details. Because that wouldn't be fair to him. But Troy
made a mistake a couple of years ago, a big mistake. A mistake he has
regretted ever since he did it. He told me about it a couple of months
ago. He expected me to hate him for it. But I didn't. I could understand
the mistake. But after a while, I decided I would use it to get what I
wanted.

I didn't blackmail him for money or anything like that. There was only one
thing that I wanted. That was for him to have sex with me. He told me I was
crazy. But I had made up my mind; I wanted him to have sex with me because
I was hoping he would pass on the disease to me. Put quite simply I wanted
to contract AIDS.

I knew that if I had unprotected sex with someone with the disease, the
chances of my catching it were extremely high. So I forced him to have sex
with me. Troy protested and begged me not to, but I told him I would go to
the cops if he didn't. He knew if I did that, he would go to jail, and it
would destroy his family.

So he finally did it. Don't get me wrong ... I enjoyed it. I mean I had
always liked Troy, but it had never been in a sexual way up until then. It
kind of upset me that the only way I had been able to get him to have sex
with me was to force him. But desperate times had called for desperate
measures.

So after we had had sex, it was just a matter of waiting. After nearly a
month, I started to feel sick. Mum took me to the doctors and I had some
blood tests done. And lo and behold, I got my wish. I was HIV Positive. I
told my parents it was from using drugs. They flipped out, but they didn't
really care about it, because I was dying.

That is the lie they still believe now, and I beg that you not tell them
what you read in this letter. They will never understand. I need it to stay
that way. Only you, Troy, and my little brother, Casey, will ever know the
truth. This is my dying wish. I am telling you because you need to know the
truth.

So now that you do know the truth about what I did, and how I really caught
the disease, it's time to cover the why. I mean I'm sure that you're
desperate to know why I would ... well ... commit suicide. Because that is
effectively what I did.

And that is, in a nutshell, why I did it. Because I wanted to commit
suicide. I wanted to die. I couldn't deal with the life that I was being
forced to live anymore. And I wanted a way out, and this was my way out.

There are a lot of things about me that you don't know, a lot of things
about me that not very many people know about me. In fact, no one that I
have told by choice. These are secrets that I swore I would take with me to
the grave. And never let anyone know about them.

I am only going to tell you this because when I realised I was going to
die, I relaised that I had to stop the pain and suffering that was
happening to others. I realised that if I died silently, that there was no
hope for the others.

Jeremy, put quite simply, ever since I was six years of age, I have been
raped and abused by my uncle. I can't go into details because it hurts too
much, but I will tell you enough so that you can hopefully do something
about it.

When I was six, my uncle was staying at our house. And when I was asleep he
came into my bedroom and started fondling me. I didn't know it was bad so
when he told me not to tell anyone, I trusted him. I didn't tell anyone.
After that, he and some of his friends, and other people, started forcing
me to do stuff with them.

I remember he used to tell me I was his special boy, and that he loved me
more than anyone else, even his own children. I used to love the attention
he would give me, and he used to give me gifts as well. I thought the sex
was one of them.

Then when I was nine, he started getting me to have sex with other boys as
well as the men. Sometimes it would be his sons; other times it would be
their friends, or his friend's sons.

And then when I was eleven, it got worse. He started making me go out and
find boys on the streets or in the parks and bring them home. I swear to
you, I didn't want to, but he made me. And when they would come over he
would make me do stuff with them. He would sometimes join in, but generally
he would just watch and jerk off. The boys he made me get were sometimes
only like six or seven. Most of the time he would film us as well.

When I was twelve, he got Casey involved as well. I begged him not to. I
told him to leave Casey alone, but he told me I was getting too old for him
and that Casey was nice and young. I felt like killing him at that
point. But he was too big and strong.

The things he used to make me and Casey do, used to give me nightmares.
Casey used to come into my room at night and cry while telling me what our
uncle had made him do that day. It's destroyed me; I'm always depressed.
And he still makes Casey do stuff with him and other people. He has stopped
messing with me now that I'm sick. He stopped by the house yesterday, and
told me once I died he was gonna make all of my brothers his sex slaves,
just to show them that I was worthless. That I couldn't protect them
anymore.

I screamed at him, but no one else was home. My parents left him in charge
of me, like they had done so many times before. I hate him so much. I want
him to die. But Jeremy, I don't want you to do it. I don't think going to
the police will help much, because we haven't got any evidence. I will
leave it in your hands to decide what you think is the best thing to
do. But please don't tell my parents. At least not until he is locked up. I
don't think that they could handle it.

More than anything else, Jeremy, please look after my brothers. Especially
Casey, he's been through so much, and he's a good kid. I love him so
much. He looks up to you, and between you and me, I think he might have a
bit of a crush on you. If this is so, and it turns out that you like him
too, please don't hesitate to go out with him. You are the perfect guy, and
he is the perfect little brother. Just promise that you won't deliberately
hurt him.

The last thing that I need to say is, please forgive Troy. I know you hate
him, and probably still will after you read what I wrote earlier, but
please forgive him. Everyone makes mistakes, and he didn't want to do what
he did. I hope that one day you will forgive him. As for us, thank you for
everything that we have been through together. Words can't describe what
our friendship has meant to me.

I love you; you've been my rock. You've been my greatest friend. But most
of all you've just been you. Jeremy, I will never forget you and I will
love you for all eternity.

I don't know how to end this letter properly. So all I can say is, I hope I
see you again some day.

Jordan Sinclair XOXOXOXO


By the time I had finished reading the letter, I was on my knees in the
grass, choking on my tears. I couldn't believe that all of that had
happened to my best friend, and I had had no idea. I felt angry at myself
for being so ignorant.

I felt a small pair of arms circle around my waist as I crouched on the
ground. I then felt Casey rest his head on my back. He said quietly,
"Jeremy, what Jordan wrote in the letter is true; Troy didn't do anything
wrong. Please don't hate my brother."

I fell onto the grass and then rolled over onto my back, still holding
Casey so that he was now lying on my chest. "Casey, I'm so sorry for what
has happened to you both. I don't hate Jordan, I just wish I had have known
sooner."

Casey leant down and placed a kiss on my lips before replying softly. "You
couldn't have known. No one knew that wasn't involved. Jordan wanted it
that way; he thought he could sort it out himself. He wanted to be the
hero, for me, for the other kids, for himself. That's why when he got sick,
I wanted to help him; I wanted to be his HERO."

I hugged Casey tightly to me as I kissed him, then I whispered. "Casey, you
were; you were his HERO."

******

It's just over three months since the funeral. Life is slowly returning to
some semblance of normality. School is currently out for the holidays and
not a moment too soon in my opinion.

This morning when I woke up, I read the newspaper and was shocked to see on
the front page a picture of Jordan's uncle, who turned out to be a primary
school teacher, was arrested for having sex with two of his pupils. The
boys, aged eight, claimed he had been touching them and doing other things
for over a year. A smile came to my face as I realised that the bastard was
going to get what he deserved.

As soon as I had finished breakfast, I raced over to the Sinclair's. I had
been spending a lot of time there since the funeral. When I arrived, James
answered the door and when he saw it was me he held his arms out for me to
hug him. I picked him up and hugged him as I made my way through to the
kitchen.

I found Casey fixing breakfast for his brothers. I walked over to him and
after putting James down at the table, I hugged Casey. We held the embrace
for a long time, and I was fighting the urge to kiss him, but it was far
from easy.

Casey and I have grown closer and closer by the day. While he hasn't
replaced Jordan, he is my new best friend and so much more. A month after
Jordan's funeral, Casey had asked me out. I had been hesitant at first, but
had realised it wasn't about Jordan anymore.

While I had loved Jordan, what I now felt for Casey was completely
different. It was unbelievably stronger. I had told Casey that I could love
nothing more, except for maybe him. He had laughed when I said that. Then
we had kissed to seal the deal. And seal the deal we did.

Our relationship is only getting stronger. Our love for each other, only
fortifying more with every step we take.

We told both sets of our parents a little less than a month ago. They were
incredibly okay with it. They had all figured out that Jordan and I were in
love, but had been waiting for us to tell them. Casey's parents didn't even
care about the age gap. I thought they might.

But we had agreed not to tell James and Kevin. Casey's parents weren't sure
if they were ready to hear it or not, so Casey and I had promised not to
tell them.

Now as I stood in the kitchen holding Casey, I noticed that James was
looking at us with a grin on his face. I looked down at him and said with a
smile, "And what are you smiling at mister?"

This caused Casey to look down at his younger brother. James just kept on
smiling as he said, "I'm just happy you two are together and happy. You
guys are really cool, when you hug and kiss."

Well you could have knocked me and Casey over with a stick. James saw the
look on our faces and smiled again as he said, "We know you wanted it to be
a secret and all, but Kevin and I have seen you guys kissing lots of times.
We're happy you guys are in love."

With that he turned back around and finished his cereal. I just looked at
Casey and he smiled at me. I leant in and we shared a spine tingling kiss.

THE END