The Journey Begins 14

Author's Notes:

Before I get into the Legal stuff, I want to say thanks first to my Editor, Pete. He always does a wonderful job. Second, I want to thank my Readers. You guys are the best.

Okay, these characters are not meant to resemble any living or dead person. I make no apology to anyone who is offended by anything in this story.

If you don't agree with the idea of guys being in love, then find something else to read.

Let me know what you think of the story by emailing me at

_Hnstskr4@aol.com_

Chapter 14

Everyone Else But Me

It's Friday around 4:00 pm and Sarah and I are sitting in the living room. We've been sitting around talking as I've worked on my homework. Back at home I rarely sat around in the living room. I reached a point where I didn't want to be around my parents. I would spend hours in my room. There were days that I only left my room to use the bathroom and to eat dinner. Suddenly the phone rang. I glanced quickly at the caller id box.

"Who is on the phone?"

"It's Mom or Dad."

Sarah got up to answer the phone. She reached down and pushed the speaker phone button.

Sarah started talking to whichever parent was on the phone.

"Hi!"

"Sarah, Dad and I want Mark and you to come for dinner tonight."

My sister got a puzzled look on her face.

"Why isn't Erik invited?"

"Eric isn't invited because this is a grownup dinner."

Wow... did she just actually say a "grownup" dinner? Sounds like a big pile of crude if you ask me.

"So are you and Mark coming over or not?"

"We will be there. What time do you want us over?"

"Be over around 5:30."

Sounds like it's going to be a quiet evening, I'm actually going to enjoy the little bit of quiet. Sarah and Mom said their goodbyes and hung up. Sarah looked at me and frowned.

"I can't believe Mom and Dad can be so cold."

Sarah sounded a bit disappointed in our lovely parents.

"There are leftovers in the fridge. I also have some frozen dinners in the freezer. There is also a pizza in the freezer if you want it. I guess, I need to let Mark know what's going on, and then get ready to head out."

Sarah and Mark are running around like crazy trying to get ready for dinner. They finally walked out the door, leaving me alone in the house. Steve is off visiting family so I can't just invite him over to the house. I'm so not used to the house being quiet. One thing about me is that I'm really good at taking care of myself. Dinner won't be an issue at all. I can always have some soup or just heat up the leftovers from last night. I just wish that things could be different between my parents and me. I miss being around Alex. Hmmm... guess I'll hop online.

When I was living with my parents, I would spend a lot of time online. Just recently, I discovered a blog called Shadowvoid. It's written by this 30 something guy. I don't know why I like this site but I do. I've been hitting up the archives while I try to stay current with his posts. I've never left a comment on his blog, but I think that I might today. I kind of want to see what the guy says. Guess I'll read the blog first and then write him. There is one post that I've found that I really like:

"On April 8, 2000, I was to be married to a lady who I had known for about 3 years. Honestly, looking back there wasn't much there to base a life on. I came within 5 months of being the nearly perfect L.D.S. (Mormon) guy. At the end of those 5 months, if things had not changed, I would have ended up making one of the biggest mistakes in my life. What mistake, you might ask? If you haven't guessed it, the answer is marriage. It's no place for me. I'd love to have someone in my life, but I know it would have been hard, not to mention what I think would have been some parts of it that would have been unethical.

Being unethical is something I try to avoid in my life. Getting married to a member of the opposite sex would make my family, my church, and society very happy. At the same time, it would have been very hard on me. One, I am gay. That in and of itself provides for an interesting situation. I know of guys who have done it, and I am not exactly sure what all of their experiences have been, but for me, it's an area that I want to avoid. Two, Being gay means being attracted to guys, duh! What it really means is when I see a cute guy, I take notice. Then there are the times when I've seen a guy and wished, "Man, I would like to go on date with him," and it's at that point I would have crossed the line. Cheating, physical cheating, on anyone, in my book is unethical, so I wouldn't do it. I know myself enough to know that my eyes would stray a little bit, even if my body didn't. Third, at some point, that person to whom I was engaged would want children. To the best of my knowledge, my plumbing works, so there wouldn't be any problem producing a child. I am not sure how that would work. You grow up thinking everything is good between your mom and your dad, when all of the sudden, you find out oops! Dad is gay. How would the news affect your life? There is no doubt in my mind, that the news would be hard. Kids deserve to have their parents around them. Even in a divorce situation, kids deserve to have their parents close by. Again, this comes from a guy who has never been married and never had his parents divorce, so it's easy for me to say this.

What all of this boils down to is that I'm happy for the way things turned out. I don't have to pretend to be totally into someone. Was I friends with the lady? Yes. Would I have striven my best to be good? Yes. Would there have been more stress in my life keeping things quiet? Yes. Do I think the possible marriage would have suffered? Yes. I wouldn't want to put someone through that. Let me know what you think. Should gay men get married to women, just to fit and to do what society says is right?"

This piece stood out to me, because this guy says outright that he doesn't agree with marriage to a woman because it would be unfair to her and I think he is right. To be honest, I never really thought much about the subject before now. Okay, so maybe I thought about it a little bit. There is one other post that I've read tonight that also hit me a little bit:

"Hey Everybody,

Been awhile since I've posted to the blog. The few posts that I've managed to post have been filler material. I wanted to post my feelings and opinions on God and my view on his love. First off, I believe as many others from my church also believe. The trinity is three separate individuals. There aren't very many members of my church who would debate me on that one, but the next part of my entry they might argue with me.

We've all seen the signs that read "God hates Fags." Well, I don't agree with them at all. It is my understanding that God loves everyone, and that means EVERYONE. There isn't an exception to that, he loves us no matter our sex, our race, or our orientation. Sure, he may not agree with everything we do or say. I doubt it stops him from loving us. Those people who choose to tell us who God loves or hates need to remember that Jesus is our ultimate judge. It bugs me to no end that people try to say whom God loves or whom God hates.

I don't believe God hates me for being gay. It's not something that I've chosen, so why would he hate something he created? Get a grip, you haters out there. Now I'm not a scripture geek, but I know what I know. God loves me just as much as he loves the holy rollers of the world. Even with all my imperfections, he still cares for me and listens to me. Remember that guys, he is out there for us."

After reading this one, I felt a little bit better about where I am in regards to my relationship with God. Right now I am really feeling good about myself. He is right, Jesus still loves me. I've had some of the same exact feelings and thoughts that this guy has had at some point as I've considered the part of me that is gay. I've yet to find anything in this blog that makes me want to comment on the post. But finally I found it, the post that I want to comment on:

Who says that a person can't be gay and Mormon? It is true that if a person is having sex that they will be excommunicated and that means that their name is removed from the church rolls. But does that stop them from being L.D.S./Mormon? Does being excommunicated really take away a person's religious belief? It is my opinion that a person can be gay and be Mormon. Just because I am gay, doesn't change my views on my church. I will always consider myself to be Mormon/L.D.S. If I leave the church or if I am forced to leave the church, I may lose my membership, but I will still hold on to what I was taught, or a good portion of what I was taught. I am not sure this will be a good analogy or not. Here it goes!

An Indian cobra is venomous. We all can agree with that, right? Well, if I take the fangs out of an Indian cobra, but leave in the venom glands, is the snake still venomous? The only thing it has lost is the ability to deliver the venom. Sure, you've taken something away from the cobra, but you haven't changed its ability to produce venom. Okay, totally wrong way to compare the whole gay Mormon thing.

I know that I'm right. Sure, I could go out and get myself excommunicated. But, it doesn't mean that I have to throw my belief away. It just means that maybe I messed up big time. I see no reason for anyone to identify themselves as just gay. Because we aren't just gay and we never will be just gay. Hope this makes a little bit of sense. Until next time.

Now that I've managed to find one that I want to comment on, I guess it's time to actually write up my comment:

"Charles,

I'm a first time reader. I'm only 16 and, like you, I am gay and Mormon. My parents found out about me being gay and they kicked me out of the house. I have to say that was the hardest day in my life. I'm lucky though, my older sister loves me even though I am gay. She took me in without even thinking about it, so I'm living at her house. Unlike you, I am no longer attending church. Okay, so now that my little introduction is done. I wanted to comment on your post.

I agree with you completely. Being gay is such a small part of who I am as a person and yet my parents act as if it is all that I am. You make a good point about holding on to your faith. Thanks for inspiring me to comment!"

I wonder if he will read my comment and reply. I've read where he's replied to other comments, so hopefully he'll respond to mine as well.

I really am surprised at just how excited I am over this blog and this entry in general. I grab the phone and click through my contacts so I can call Steve. Just as I am about to click the send button, I remember that Steve asked me not to call. It's a good thing that I decide to heed Steve's request, because my phone needs to be charged. I'm feeling kind of bored. Looking around my room, I notice that my journal is sitting on my bed. I don't know about other people, but writing helps me to relax and to help sort out my problems and my thoughts.

"Journal Entry:

This evening, Sarah and Mark are both attending dinner at my parents' house. I wasn't invited. Mom said some garbage about it being only for `grownups'. I'm still a little pissed off about that comment. Somehow, deep inside of me, I know that the topic of conversation is me. Today, I found a new place to hang out online. It's a blog called Shadowvoid. I love it. Since this is my journal, I'm not going to get into a big lengthy paragraph about it.

Tonight, I am feeling a bit lonely. Steve is off visiting family. I miss him so much. Goodnight journal."

I think that I am going to sit down and write myself a letter.

"Dear self,

What a crazy year! You've been through so much. First, Dale, one of your best friends at the time, found out that you were gay. For what seemed like months, he was constantly trying to bring you to repentance. It ended up not going very well, and Dale ended up in prison. Oh... did I forget to mention that you ended up with a boyfriend? Yeah... his name is Steven and hopefully in ten years time, the two of you are still together. I can wish, can't I? He is perfect. If the two of you are still together, then take him out tonight. Celebrate this letter! Tell him how much you love him. If he hasn't proposed to you yet, then see to it that you propose to him before the month is over. How could I forget the most earth shattering event of the year? Mom and Dad disowned you. They kicked you out of the house for being gay. Luckily, Sarah and Mark still love you. They haven't given up on you. They love Steven too. Look, I'm writing you now so that you don't forget what has happened in your youth. Hopefully, you can look back and smile when you think about how these early events have shaped you.

Sincerely,

You"

Carefully, I get an envelope and place my letter inside. I lick the seal and then close it. Grabbing my trusty pen, I mark it not to be opened for ten more years. Even with checking the blog out, writing in my journal, and writing myself a letter, I find that I am still pretty bored. The computer seems to be talking to me.

I go back to the computer keyboard and bring up my email. There is an email from Brother White.

"Erik,

How are you doing? Sad to say that people are still talking about your day at church. Wish your parents would stick up for you. They seem just as happy to talk bad about you. What's even sadder is that they still claim to love you. Glad to see that your boyfriend is standing by your side! Anyway, just wanted to tell that my sister was very impressed!

Brother White"

Now, I need to sit down and reply to him.

"Brother White,

I'm good. You know it's pretty sad, that they have nothing else to talk about but me. As for my parents not sticking up for me, it's sad, but I've come to expect that from them. If they really, really loved me, they would put an end to this mess and bring me back home. Yeah, Steve is my angel. Tell your sister `thank you' for coming out to church to be there with me. Thanks!

Erik"

As I am contemplating what to do next, I hear the front door open and I realize that Sarah and Mark have come home.

Sarah and Mark are home finally. I hear them coming up the stairs. I step away from the computer because something tells me they are going to be coming into my room. Sure enough, Mark and Sarah enter my room.

"What's up guys?"

Sarah speaks up:

"Well, you were the topic of conversation tonight. They apparently have been talking amongst themselves about what to do with you. Mom and Dad agreed that you needed to be cared for, so they wanted to know if we would accept guardianship of you. We told them that we might as well, since you were already living with us."

This news is huge. I can't wait to tell Steve about this.

"Now, little brother, keep in mind that nothing is official yet. It's still a bit early to be celebrating."

I don't care if it's not official or not. I can't keep my excitement inside anymore. I stand up and hug both of them. Mark breaks the hug and looks at me.

"No worries bro, we are going to get guardianship."

He pats me on the back and then Sarah and Mark turn to head downstairs. As much as I hate to call Steve and break my vow not to call, I just have to.

I have to share with him this news. I grab my phone and dial Steve.

"Hey... what's going on?"

"I know you asked me not to call, but I have big news."

"Do me a favor, Erik, and make this quick, I'm like super tired."

"Well, my parents have asked Sarah and Mark to take over as my guardians."

"Awesome Erik! I wish I could be there to hug you and kiss you. I have news myself. My mom wants to meet the kid who is making her son so happy. I'm not exactly happy over this."

Why in the world would he be upset about his mom wanting to meet me? I personally feel honored that she wants to see me.

"Why are you upset about it?"

"I just didn't think we were at that level where we were ready to meet each other's parents."

Man... this doesn't sound good for us. Maybe Steve is thinking of breaking up. Nah... I don't think that is it at all.

"Any way babe, I love you."

"Kisses!"

"Good night!"

Steve isn't mad at me after all. I can hear it in the tone of his voice. I hang up my phone and sign off my internet account.

After school the next day, I'm sitting in my room, working on my homework, when Mark enters my room.

"Erik will you help me in the animal room?"

"Give me just a minute and I'll be right with you."

"Sounds good, man! I'll meet you down there."

After I finished my homework, I headed right downstairs. Mark has me watering and removing dead or live crickets that the animals didn't eat. Mark is also watering some of his tarantulas. As we work in the room, my brother-in-law starts talking to me.

"Erik, have I asked you if you're okay with Sarah and me being your guardians?"

I thought about this as I got ready to water another of his spiders.

"Mark, I wouldn't want anyone else to be my guardians. At least, I get to stay in the family and in the area. So yeah, I'm fine with you guys being my guardians."

He was quiet for few more minutes before he asked me another question.

"Do you see Steve and you staying together past high school?"

I have to admit that there is some doubt in my mind about Steve and I, but I'm also very hopeful that we'll stay together.

"I want us to stay together. I don't know what Steve wants."

As we finished up our work, I could tell that Mark had something he wanted to tell me. Why he wouldn't just say it is beyond me, but that is my family for you.

"Hey Mark, is there something that you want to tell me?"

He smirked a little bit at me and then he started talking.

"Don't say anything to Sarah, but I'm going to be a daddy. I guess that means that you're going to be an uncle."

"So why can't I say anything to Sarah?"

"She wants to announce it when the she's ready to announce it."

Wow... I don't know what to even think about being an uncle. I feel a little young. But, I suppose that I'm not really all that young.

"Looks like we are done here!" Mark said, as he headed upstairs. I too headed upstairs. Wonder if Sarah remembers that my birthday is coming up. Well, I had better get back to my homework.