The Lone Wolf
I wish I could say after I failed to die that life improved. However, in a painful turn of events, it became a living hell. Not because of the doctors, my siblings, or my parents bitching to me about how "I should have asked for help," It was none of these. Every night after I saw Ashley standing over me, I dreamt of her. I'd dream of the day we first met as kids. It was hell in my mind, I saw every moment that ever mattered to me, and each time I came close to being back in that time, it was ripped from me like a cruel joke. I dreamt of every significant moment I'd ever spent with Ashley, it tore me to pieces. Every night I'd go to sleep knowing I was about to be tortured... I told my doctors but they all said it would pass eventually, it never did. It got to the point where I'd sleep as little as possible trying to avoid the pain.
It was a year later when I final figured it out why I was having these dreams. For those brief minutes, I had her back. It wasn't a picture, or a video of us joking around, it was her. Things started to get rough around my house around that time. I had become more reclusive and tried to stay out of the spotlight as much as possible; my dad didn't like this. I guess he was disappointed in me.
I use to be an athletic god, I played at a sport and was instantly the best at it. He'd brag to all his friends about his "jock son" who won this game or that game. I was tall for my age, and even though I was thin, I had power behind me. So when that all stopped, he became aggressive with me. Maybe he was trying to relight a spark or something, whatever it was, it ultimately ended our relationship.
I was 14 and a half when I finally lost all feeling for my "dad." I'd done my mother a favor and said I'd let her friends son stay with me (he was my friend, at one time) but I had plans that night. The deal was I'd hang out with him until a certain time, and then do my own thing. All was fine until my dad came home and it hit the time for me to jump onto my computer and play an online game. It started out so small but... it crippled me in the end
My friend's mother came to pick him up twenty minutes later, she was with my mother. They came inside laughing to find me in tears because I'd been yelled at and thrown against the wall by my own dad. My mum came home to find a man she didn't know and a son she'd be sorry to for the rest of her life. The night was and still is a blur, but what I can remember is never feeling more hatred than I'd ever thought possible.
At first my mother hugged a tearful me, led me upstairs, and sat me down in my room. My dad was a ball of rage because my mum was on my side. He calmed down slightly, until we began talking. He kept saying how I didn't have any friends, or how I needed to stop being such a fucking girl. At some point he started lying to regain some of his self-respect with my mother. She knew he was lying as well. When I called him on it, he jumped up and ran towards me throwing me to the floor and standing over me with a look of pure rage.
"Are you calling me a liar, you little shit!?" He yelled at me.
<I was scared to death at this point, and looked around to see my mother nowhere in sight>
"ANSWER ME!" my dad yelled even louder.
I figured he was already mad, he'd already made a total ass of himself in front of my mother, and I truly didn't care what he did to me. So, I yelled, "YES!" back at him.
"YOU TALKING BACK TO ME NOW?" Wow,... he can be an idiot some times. Well not sometimes, kinda all the time.
"I don't see another bald, overweight, self righteous, dumbass in the room, do you?" In for a penny in for a pound. We all knew and agreed that if there was a little girl in my room, it was him. The slightest comment about him was this HUGE deal. Guess I should've expected him to be beyond pissed off. What I didn't expect was my older sister and my mother to come back into the room at this point, what they did shocked me even more.
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, NOW!" my mother yelled at him.
"Excuse me?" he replied in his usual ‘I'm the boss here' tone.
"You heard me, get out of this house now, and don't come back!" wow she said it.
"This m...-" he tried to say.
"The hell it is, get out now, or Jess is going to call the police. We'll see how your bosses like their vise president being arrested for child abuse!" I never loved my mother more than now. At the same time, it took her all of this time to show it.
"Fine, I hope your happy with your stuck up brats for kids!" he yelled to which my mother said, "I am", he grabbed his keys and walked out the door."
They both watched him drive off, I guess not trusting him to be very sane.
"Oh my god, baby are you ok?" my mum asked me.
I was still in shock, I knew my dad was volatile but... you never think you'll see it.
"Jessica, go lock every door and window now!"
"Bu...-" my sister was saying.
Mom cut my sister Jess off with "No buts honey, go get your brother as well, we're all going to stay in my room tonight."
My sister rushed off to lock and bolt all of our doors and windows; she also took the extra keys from outside in. My mother was on the phone to her brother at this point. I overheard some of the conversation and was shocked to say the least.
"Andy, I don't know what got into him. I came home to find Joe in tears and having been thrown into the laundry room wall."
Andy is her younger brother; he was a black-ops solider in the US army. My dad always tried to intimate people, there were a few it wouldn't work with, he is one of them.
"I honestly thought ‘my shotgun is in the safe' at one point... He seemed like a completely different person." <Guess this requires a bit of an explanation.> My mother is a 7 times clay pigeon shooting champion. This is one more thing that made my dad act like an ass, because he never won anything in his life, yet she had trophy after trophy. Her IQ is also higher, but that's another whole story.
"He's fine, but I think he's still in shock ... I'd appreciate it, Connor might feel safer with you here, I know me, Jess, and Ty would."
My mother left my father the next day, he came back and tried to play if off on stress, mum wouldn't have it and pushed him out. He tried to work his way inside until uncle Andy came into view; he backed away and rushed off. Mum took everything from him, and I do mean everything, even the car he drove away in.
I wish I could say life got better after dad was gone, but it didn't. Sure, he wasn't helping. He'd try and put me down so he could feel better about himself, I guess I kind of liked it in away; at least he actually needed me in some form.
But my uncle was great. He talked to me every night, and even though I didn't talk much back, it meant a lot to me. He was the dad I'd have wanted the first time around. He accepted me with my flaws. My uncle knew what I was going through down to the T, his soul mate had died 3 years previous. She was a beautiful woman, always had a smile on her face. My uncle loved her without regret, he said every night that "even though she was gone, that he still spoke to her, and never regretted falling in love with her. That the time he got with her was better than anything he could have ever hoped for."
Unfortunately it wasn't enough to keep the dreams away of what truly happened the day of Ashley's accident, if anything they became more vivid. Lately new dreams came forward; the dreams were of the end of her life. I watched her drift away every night. I would wake up with my pillow damp with tears. Eventually the tears turned into screams and cries of pain, it got to the point where my uncle moved into my room with me.
The final night of my old life was the worst it had ever been, I was in a "night terror" state. For anyone who's seen them, words can't describe how painful it is to watch as someone is quite literally scared shitless. That dream changed me... it was so real. I watched as I made the worst mistake of my life by goading Ashley into doing something stupid, something we should have never done, that caused have that surgery and get cancer. Again and again I watched as Ashley died, it broke me entirely, I saw the final breath she took, the last words she said were "It wasn't my fault" ... finally I woke up.
I woke up to feel my entire family shaking me, my uncle slapped me a few times trying to wake me up. I was broken. I had no emotions, I wasn't hungry, I didn't hurt, I wasn't sad... I was broken.
After that night I mostly just sat there staring out the window. People thought I was brain dead or something. Nope, my brain was sure as fucking hell working. I kept hearing the same words every time I looked at the river "It wasn't your fault Connor." A single song was played over, and over, and over again in my head.
I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
And with my wide eyes, I've seen worlds that don't belong.
My mouth is dry, with words I cannot verbalize,
Tell me why we live like this.
Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me!
‘Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
And oh the promise we adored
Give us life again
‘Cause we just wanna be whole.
I was broken, a part of me was missing. But I couldn't put into words what I was feeling, I wanted to talk but I couldn't do it. When Ashley died, it felt like a broken promise. We were meant to grow old together as friends. We were meant to go to college, and excel at our chosen fields, together. Now I was alone, life is now bleak and without hope. We've all had that moment in our lives where we see an indestructible future, where we are happy, healthy, and with the perfect person for us. My indestructible dream had been completely eradicated. I am broken, and I need help to be restored. How long I'd have to wait for that restoration I didn't know. But the day I was whole again... I'd make a memorial to all that was Ashley.
To Be Continued...
The song was "We Are Broken" By Paramore copyright of Fueled By Ramen Records.
Well that's it for part two, I hope it lived up to anyone/everyone expectations versus the first part, thanks to Dave my editor who always does a great job.
If you wanna drop me a line my email is SJfirstname.lastname@example.org hope to hear from you about your opinion!