It was Saturday morning. I woke up to see Brian laying in bed
next to me.
" Morning Darien," He said with a grin.
" Morning to you too," I replied. "Hey, isn't your
mother..."
" No, she's out of state. She won't be back till, tomorrow?"
" Well then, looks like we have the house to ourselves, don't
we?" I noted, trying to pull Brian back into bed.
" !...Darien, look- come on!" Brian squealed, tyring to
break free. We started to playfully wrestle on the bed until I
had Brian pinned on his back.
" Darien.." He whined, giving a chuckle afterwards.
" Yes..."
" Ok, see, I need to fix breakfast, so that we don't starve,
you know..."
" Ok then..." I finished, kissing Brian on his cheek.
He turned around, cheeks red.
" I'll...be right back," He said to me, kissing me on
my lips with such sweetness that it made me think of strawberries...
man, what a kid.
I was laying in the bed, relaxing, when I realized that my
parents were probably worried sick about me. I grabbed the
cordless phone laying on the dresser next to the bed and dialed
the home number.
~Hi! This is the Richardson household...~
Damn. It was answering machine.
~..So leave a message and well get back to you as soon as we can.
Bye!~ -beep-
"..Mom, Dad? Hey, it's me. I'm over a friend's house and I'll
be back in the afternoon. Bye."
My parents usually don't get worried about me staying over a
friends house. All that they ask is that they get a phone call
from me to let them know that I'm ok.
They're pretty understanding...for the most part..
After hanging up the phone and laying down for a bit, I began to
smell something from the kitchen...
" Brian, you're not gonna burn the house down, are you?"
" Shut up! And even if the house burns down, you're still
gonna have to eat my food!" He happily replied.
" Hey Brian..."
" Yeah?"
" Can I ask you something?" I said, getting my boxers
on, and heading to the table.
" Yeah, what is it?"
" What happened...with you and Sean?" I said, making my
way to the kitchen
" Nothing!" He said in a annoyed tone of voice. "
God, he is such a drunk! Stupid Sean Parker-"
" Parker?" I said, now looking at him in the kitchen.
" Yeah, he said his last name was Parker. I'm surprised he
remembered it." Brian remarked, cooking food on the stove.
Now I knew who he was! " Man! I knew why I didn't remember
him!"
"What?" Brian asked, giving me a strange look.
" Brian Parker... I remember they expelled him from the
middle school I was taking because he had brought a bottle of
Vodka to school when he was drunk that day and he didn't know
where he was!"
" Well, it seems that he didn't learn anything since then, 'cause
I've had to take so many bottles away from him...it was like he
was a mobile brewery! And the night of the party, I tried to tell
him not to exceed the 2 drink policy I put on him..."
" Policy?"
" Yeah! Otherwise he get drunk, and probably arrested too...
Speaking of the party, did you and 'miss thing' do anything?
" Trust me, 'miss thing' needs therapy. She's such a control
freak somethimes.."
" Darien: control freaks aren't sometimes. They're all
the time."
" Yeah you're right..-sniff sniff-"
I ended my sentence there because of the whiff of the food that
Brian was cooking (On all four eyes, nonetheless..)
"Hey Brian..." I called to him, " What's that on
the stove?"
" Oh, nothing...Some eggs; some bacon and link sausages;
hash browns ; pancakes ; some toast in the toaster, some biscuits
in the oven.. and some orange juice." My jaw dropped. Even
my mother didn't even fix food like that.
" Man, for a white New Yorker, you sure cook like you were
black or something."
" Think so?"
" I know so. My aunt is black, and also from Virginia. She's
the master of southern cuisine."
" Well, then I'll take that as a compliment. My friend's
mother owns a soul food resturant in lower Manhattan, and I guess
you could say.." Brain then turned off the stove eyes and
looked at me, "I picked up some tips. You hungry?"
As Brian handed me my plate that he had made, I was astounded
by all the food that he had made so..perfectly."
" You like it?" He asked me, hoping that I would eat
everything and then lick the plate after I was finished.
Hoping not to dissapoint, I told him that " It all looks
good."
" Hey, you know what they say- if it looks good,
imagine how it tastes!" He said to me with a smile.
As I dug in, I was surprised that I wasn't dissapointed. I guess
the expression showed on my face, because Brian asked me, "
You surprised?"
" ..Well, if you wanna know, yes, I am."
Brian's look was mixed. " Well, at least you told the truth."
" It's very good! I hope you don't think I think it's so-so
or anything."
" I know.... it's just that now...."
He paused. " Now what?"
" Now...your opinion is of more value to me, because we're...
you know..."
" We're...what?"
Before I could finish, Brian leaned over and kissed me.
" Oh...yeah, I see your point."
Well, after we finished "breakfast," I called my
house again to no avail. No one was there, so there was no
immediate reason to leave. Me and Brian were watching TV in his
room. Some court show or something.
" Darien..." Brian asked me during the middle of the
show.
" Yeah?"
" Where are you going to college?"
" College?" I hadn't brought up the topic in a while.
" Well, I'da know, I've sent out letters to a couple of
places...NC State, Some Ivy league colleges, NYU--"
" NYU?" Brian gasped.
" Yeah, I was thinking of going to New York and doing
something there. Why?"
" ...It's just that high school will be over soon, and I..."
wrapping his arms around me, Brian said,
" I want to stay with you."
I slowly kissed Brian's hand as they started to grip onto me. I
could feel his chest on my back, and the heat from his body made
me feel so...warm....
" Even though," I started to say, " My father only
wants me to go to NC State for athletics... You know how dads are..."
Brian didn't say anything.
"... Brian?" I looked up to see Brian's expression
change.
" Brian? What's wrong?"
Brian finally snapped out of it. " Oh, sorry."
This sudden mood change was too much for me to ignore. I had
noticed that the last time Brian's father was mentioned, it was
too emotion for Brian to bear. I took Brians's hands and released
them, and turned around.
" Brian..."
Brian's eyes started to water.
"... Brian, ever since you came here, I have
noticed the lack of a male role model in your live..."
Brian closed his eyes.
" And even though I don't know much about you, I would like
there to be no secrets between us."
"...I'm sorry...." Brian said in a raspy tone, saddness
in his voice.
" What?"
" I...can't tell you." Brian then got up and ran.
" Brian?!" I yelled, wondering where he was going to go.
To my relief, he had only went into the bathroom.
Still, I was shocked. What was in his family that could have
scarred him so badly?
I thought for a second. Brian has a diary...maybe he wrote it
in there...
I began to search around Brian's room..the dresser, the
closet, the bed... Finally I found it hidden in the back of the
dresser with the wall holding it up.
I tried to look for anything relevant. Most of it was about the
guys that he had liked (which there were alot of) Until there was
one place in there that I thought might be useful...
99
I feel that I have nothing else to do but to write in this. I am completely and totally miserable. I had a talk- more like an arguement -with John at his house today. It seems that he feels that all I want in life is sex, and that I was pressuring him to have sex with me. So of course, the next two words that come out of my mouth are " That's Bullshit!"
Around 5 minutes later, 5 minutes that I want to erase from the face of the planet, I left John.
I've been crying for the past 2 hours. It's midnight. I'm writing this under the light from the street light outside.
What was he saying true? I don't know but I can't
I'm going to stop writing right now.
07/04/99
Around 4 p.m, John left a bag of Hershey's Kisses and a card from Hallmark.
" Nothing
I say will make you feel any better about us.
All I want to say, however is that I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you."
The "I love you's" just kinda repeat from there.
Around 4:02 p.m ,I called John and reconciled with him over the phone. God, we put the hopeless in "Hopeless romantics."
Around 5:00 p.m., John was at my house. My parents were at a party. We were the only one's there.
Around midnight, John went home. I was still a virgin. My love for him flourished tenfold.
We just layed there on my bed and watched the fireworks from outside. It was beautiful. We didn't even think about sex. All we thought was about each other.
That's when he popped the question.
" Brian?"
" Yeah?"
" I love you."
" I love you too."
" Do you think we should..."
" Should what?"
" Tell our parents about us?"
I wasn't really sure what to say. My parents had no idea that I was gay. I wasn't sure what to tell them. But I love John so much...
So now I'm planning to tell them. And I'm afraid. I'm scared to tell them. Well, my father, at least. My mother could handle it. But it's always harder on the fathers, as I've been told. But I will hope for the best...
The next entry was from 2 days afterwards. It
looked like Brian had tried to write something down, but
something...or someone... had..
" What are you doing?"
It was Brian. His eyes still shined from the tears that he had
cried, the vision of bad memories come back to haut him was in
his eyes as well.
"...Why do you have my diary?"
" Brian, we need to talk."
" You're damn right we do."
We both sat down on the bed.
" Why do you have my diary again?"
" Look, you know I wouldn't go through it unless I
absolutely had to. I looked in here for something about your
father-"
" Why should you give a damn about my father?" he
snapped, suddenly standing up.
" Because he's the reason why you're acting like this!"
I yelled, not only surprising Brian, but myself as well.
After a moment of silence, Brian suddenly came down from his
frustration trip, sat down on the floor, and said :
"... There's something I need to tell you, then."
"...What? What is it?"
Brian waved his hand at me to motion me to come sit down on the
floor with him.
"...Ok. Since you want to know what's been, going on, I'll
tell you," He said.
" Me and my father, we were very close. I have always seen my father as this surreal figure, this-this force that surrounds my life, you know? Well, if you had seen the day in the diary... July the 6th, 1999-- There's nothing written.
" John and I were waiting for my parents to come home from work. It was supposed to be the day that I would have a happy coming out party. -Chuckles- Well, it didn't turn out as planned.
"When they got there, I asked them to sit down in the kitchen because I had an 'announcement' to make. And so I told them. Flat out told them.
"My mother was able to take it alright... but Dad... he started yelling at my mom....he said that she spoiled me, spoiled me into being a...."
I was totally stricken. It was this reason that Brian was as tough as nails on the outside, but was so soft and fragile..All of those other times suddenly seemed to make sense...
Brian kept going, fighting the tears from his grief stricken memories.... " And then he looked at John, and grabbed him by the throat, claiming that he had corrupted his son... John got out of his grasp, but then he stopped and looked at me....he said that.... if I were able to be his child again......"
It was too much. Brian closed his eyes and let the tears slide down his cheeks. Now I wished I didn't know what was in that damn diary...Not so that I would have to put Brian in pain...
" Brian....I'm sorry....I'm sorry," I
whispered in his ear as I held him in my arms, trying to create a
shield for us to get away from the rest of the world.
"....Darien.... there aren't any more secrets left....are
they?"
"... No, no there aren't any more left." I replied,
caressing his head on my shoulder.
I left his house in the afternoon, right when my
parents got home. I was able to spend a good portion of the day
with Brian, which was nice. Hearing the story of his father left
an impression on me, however.
It made me think, How would my parents react if I told them I
was gay? It didn't matter what anyone else thought about me,
but it would be impossible for me to lie to them. I love them to
death.
So how should I resolve this? It didn't need to be today...or did
it? I had just made a complete commitment to the boy I loved so
deeply.... But I couldn't tell a soul about it. It was starting
to eat me from the inside, this sense of a false truth....
My brain couldn't handle it all at once. The best decision would
be to sleep on it.
I headed into the house and saw that my mother
was already cooking dinner.
" Hey mom," I said to her, " Can I talk to you for
a second?"
" Of course, Darien, just give me a second..."
As she was wrapping things up in the kitchen, I sat down at the
table. Part of me wanted to restrain myself and say that it wasn't
the right time...
but the other part of me just wanted to blurt it out and make it
that much easier on myself.
" What would you say...." was what came out of my mouth.
" Yes?" my mother answered.
It was a difficult decision. I could say, "What would you
say if I told you that I'm in love with a guy?" and end it
all with one fatal swoop. And then I could just say something
completely irrevelant that probably wouldn't make any sense. It
was as if the rest of my life hanged on the rest of the sentence...
"...If I brought Brian over for dinner next Saturday?"
" Really? Well, sure, you can bring him over if you want to.
Just don't sleep with him or anything....."
My mental jaw hit the preverbial floor.
"..What?"
"...Just kidding, sweetheart," she said, kissing me on
the cheek. " You can feed yourself, I'm exausted."
"Ok Mom."
As my mother went to her room, I was faced with the biggest
dilemma since...well, since never.
Which would make it all the more difficult...
Ah, the scent of a new chapter! Did you guys like it? I hope so, 'cause were heading to the grand finale with each one! This way, I'll be able to make you guys wait for ANOTHER excrutating long-as-hell time period so I can tease you all the way through!!! HA HA HA!!!!!
Ok, on a serious note...
It took me a bit to get this one done because of the fact that my computer was out of commisssion, so that's why...well, that's why I'm releasing it now!
BTW, you guys gotta start emailing me!! I need to redo the mailing list for all of you guys who didn't get my "comeback" email that I sent to everyone else!!
Well, email me at Neo_Vincent@hotmail.com for comments on the story. And please, no emails on I-thought you stopped writing/were dead/ had joined a cult/ became a total nutcase and was sent to an institiute/ because I have to many already. Thank you! ^_^
And remember, email me for the mailing list 4 anything new, K? C-ya!