~Note to readers : This special chapter was originally posted on the TBA( Teen Boy Authors) page in the AWW (Authors Without Webpages) section.However, due to the unfortunate shutdown of the page, I have decided to post this on Nifty so that the readers who missed out have a chance to read the chapter, which explains Brian's Past with John before the 4th chapter. The chapter has been unedited since then, so enjoy.~
Hmm.. Were you expecting this one? Hmm? I had discussed this with my friends in Comicality's shack out back, but I said "Screw it" and I'm planning to write this anyway. If you recall, Brian had a diary in chapter 3 that Darien had discovered, hidden under Brian's bed. But let's say that we are able to walk right into Brian's house... go into his room... take a look into his diary.. into his world... what types of things should we expect to find there...
04/16/99
My Spring Break has started... I'm pretty clueless on what to do for the next week or so... I have had my eye on John for some time now... however, I don't know to tell him about me being gay. I haven't told anyone about it at all. Not my parents, not any of my friends, no one at all... He'll be the first one...
I can feel the butterflies! Man, this is crazy, but I gotta do this...
Taylor is having a party
today at 8, and John's gonna be there... I'm still kinda scared
about this... But I feel that I should go for it and hope for the
best...
04/18/99
John's gay! I was actually right about something in my life! Not to mention I met some really cool new friends who are also gay/bi and out of the closet! Everyone knew that they were gay/bi and no one cared. They actually accepted them as regular, normal people.
But let's get back to John...:) He had his first realization that he was gay when he was 12. He didn't think he would tell anyone, in fear that no one would accept him for who he was.. Anyway, he had known Taylor from elementary school, and as she told me, she had her little theories about him (and me, for that matter) and invited him, knowing that I was gonna be there. I luv that girl so much...
Am I that transparent? Taylor knew I was gay... My new friends think that I should become more "outed," as they put it. They think that more people would respect me for being myself and being open about it. I'm not exactly sure about it, though. There are so many jackasses in school, it's not even funny.. they hate me anyway, and it's hard for me to understand what I did to them in the first place...
But let's not dwell from the main subject. I remember he asked me to dance with him. God knows how clumsy I am, I can't dance if my life depended on it... But we tried, anyway. Sugar Ray, wasn't it? "Fly"... I remember the way he stood behind me and put his arms around my waist and danced with me..( Kodak Moment..LOL) I was in heaven...
So here I am listening to "Fly" ( I bought the single) and sitting on my bed with this guy's address and phone #. Gotta go...
05/21/99
You'll excuse me if I haven't written in a while. I've been way too happy with John to even be miserable. Couple of weeks ago, we went down to Times Square to walk around and see the sights a bit. We started talking, about each other. I didn't realize that he played soccer (kinda jockish, don'cha think?) and was in the honor society.. I'm no slacker, by any means, but honor society was way too " bourgoise" or something like that for my taste. Anyway, I told him how my mom worked at home and how my father was a musician who played in an orchestra and a small jazz band.. He thought it was cool, and wondered if I had inherited any talents.. I'm not one to show off, but I sang a couple of notes for him. He started to laugh and said I should be in a singing group ( Backstreet Boys? Please.) So anyway, blah, blah, blah.. let's get to the good part, shall we?
We took a taxi and headed to Central Park. It was nice. We sat down for a while and held hands. That's when he leaned over and kissed me.
He kissed me! I haven't been kissed before ( well, not in that way and not by a guy.. ) And it felt so weird. And his face was glowing. He looked like an angel in that sunlight..
We've been making out now for a while. I'm not sure if we're going to have sex any time soon. To be honest, it'd be so weird for me to have sex with him... I'm still a virgin. My out friends say that you don't if you're gay or not until you have same sex..sex, basically. As for me, I've known that I was gay for a long time, even if I haven't had sex. I've always been attracted to guys more than females. That's just been natural for me. I didn't feel that I needed to have sex with someone to prove my sexuality. If I don't have sex with him, I'd still love him.
I am in love with him. I don't think love necessarily means having sex, hopefully...
05/23/99
This is very awkward. No, this is downright weird.
John is hesitant about having sex. He says that he's not ready. And then he tries to stick his tongue down my throat. And then I felt kinda cheap. I felt that I was being used.
I was talking to this guy on Yahoo chat, Neo_ Vincent or something. He was alot younger than me, but he seemed very mature and open. So I told him about my situation with John and all, and he said that John really meant that he wasn't ready. However, he also said that John could also not be ready to say that he's gay. "Most men want to hold onto their Bisexual status as long as possible before going into the land of gaydom." God, that's funny. He then said that give it some time, and if I felt that he was using me, then I had to talk to him about it. I hope I don't have to do that. I do love him, I really do. So it would be hard for me to ask him if he was only on for the ride. Hopefully it won't turn out that way. Gotta go . Peace.
05/30/99
I feel that I have nothing else to do but to write in this. I am completely and totally miserable. I had a talk- more like an arguement -with John at his house today. It seems that he feels that all I want in life is sex, and that I was pressuring him to have sex with me. So of course, the next two words that come out of my mouth are " That's Bullshit!"
Around 5 minutes later, 5 minutes that I want to erase from the face of the planet, I left John.
I've been crying for the past 2 hours. It's midnight. I'm writing this under the light from the street light outside.
What was he saying true? I don't know but I can't
I'm going to stop writing right now.
07/04/99
Around 4 p.m, John left a bag of Hershey's Kisses and a card from Hallmark.
" Nothing
I say will make you feel any better about us.
All I want to say, however is that I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you."
The "I love you's" just kinda repeat from there.
Around 4:02 p.m ,I called John and reconciled with him over the phone. God, we put the hopeless in "Hopeless romantics."
Around 5:00 p.m., John was at my house. My parents were at a party. We were the only one's there.
Around midnight, John went home. I was still a virgin. My love for him flourished tenfold.
We just layed there on my bed and watched the fireworks from outside. It was beautiful. We didn't even think about sex. All we thought was about each other.
That's when he popped the question.
" Brian?"
" Yeah?"
" I love you."
" I love you too."
" Do you think we should..."
" Should what?"
" Tell our parents about us?"
I wasn't really sure what to say. My parents had no idea that I was gay. I wasn't sure what to tell them. But I love John so much...
So now I'm planning to tell them. And I'm afraid. I'm scared to tell them. Well, my father, at least. My mother could handle it. But it's always harder on the fathers, as I've been told. But I will hope for the best...
07/06/99
Authors Note : Brian's few words are unreadable in this section of his diary.
08/10/99
I don't know how to start this off.
Me and my mother are leaving to go to her " birthcity," as she likes to call it. We moved out of the out house. We're going to live in my grandmother's house, even though she's no longer alive. I talked to John about this, and he said that he knows a couple of people in North Carolina who would be good friends. He said that he would be waiting for me when I graduate and go to college back in New York.. We are still in love.
This place that we're going to, " Outsbrook" or somthing like that- it sounds like the middle of hicksville. I'm not one to deal with rednecks. For several reasons. So of course I'm going to have some anxiety about this place. But who knows? I'll make the best of it..
08/27/99
Why, hello there! I haven't seen you in a while! I pratically lost you while moving here, but I'm very happy to see you again!
So, this place? Outbrook? Well, it sure as hell ain't Manhattan...
I decided to come out early this time. I don't want any doubt about who I am anymore. People were just going to have to deal with me and get over it.
However, I'm not sure that there's a high ratio of gay guys here to choose from...
There's that one guy, though, the one the girls drool all over. Darien something-or-other. He looks nice. Is it because he reminds me of John so much?
He probably isn't gay though. But who knows? I just might get lucky....
Hello again. Did you like it? Were you a little..dissapointed? Hey, I could've tried to trick you guys and named the chapter " Chapter 4, Darien and Brian have hot animal sex together!!!" I know, you wish, right? Well, the whole point of this was to make Brian more.. three-dimensional. I hoped it worked, though. Can you believe Brian's still a virgin? It's not that much of a stretch... Well, how many of you guys are waiting for Chapter 4, huh? Don't worry, it's on it's way... anyhow, tell me what you guys thought of this special chapter! Email me at Neo_Vincent@hotmail.com . Well, thanks and c-ya later!!
Oh, and for anyone who cares, I'm 15. Yep. I don't know how old you guys think I am, but I'm 15. Well..c-ya again!! ~_^